May 31, 2014

Am writing..

Never made it to GPs on Friday, couldn't make it to Supershrink either haven't marvellous Massuess in weeks..  At the moment it's like bad morning sickness and extreme period pains at the same time but without a period and without being pregnant that is aggravated by moving, leaning over, stress etc.. Periods are back on the cards now that the implant is gone.. Woohoo

Really thought getting it removed would do something change it give us a day or week or two off. It was great when we first got it in almost a year ago. Pain free for weeks. Just keeps getting steadily worse and I don't have to think to hard before getting lots of horrific ideas as to why this is the case.  :-(

On the other hand though the retro lap top is here and open office installed, one word processor file ongoing. :-) 

..help..




May 14, 2014

Ooh little pics! .. No there isn't.. :-/

Tuesday next week is that lastest that the implant will be removed. Possibly Friday but it's always a nightmare to get through at 8 for their same day appointments. πŸ

All that stuff about the pain being something that they could control is rising up as you would expect really.  Roach seemed to be involved in a fair bit of what we are being shown at the moment. Stuff from the mid ninties he was the guy that had the training, something deep and vaginal that stopped the pain being chronic.  I don't know how or even he was triggering a DID switch or something that had a physical result that stopped the contractions or irritation.  More from the preschool years to..same pain. And the late nighties  and zeros when all the rapists and traffickers had learned whatever ever it was that starts of these contractions as well as the positions/angles that made it worse. πŸ†

Roache's pain stopping/trigger internal procedure stopped working. πŸŠ

We covered some of this in therapy during a previous pain bout. Every time when it's been chronic there has been an increasing awareness a shifting away from dread and slowly towards acceptance about the pain and the memories and parts that come with so much damage.

Decent, grounded therapist and regular weed are definitely what makes it bareable and the income of course.  There is lot of relief in feeling we are facing things head on.  Excitement and a bit of intrepidation about knowing that at some point soonish we will get a decent sized device that will enable word processing in bed. Won't be very soon. Benefits aren't that good and when it's this bad the weed budget can rocket a tad.. We are up for it. Or up for it enough to make a good start.  We are not spending all that much time writing but it just opens up the context up of whatever we are writing about and other stuff to when we do. Thankfully with varying levels of censorship.  We are confident as long as the smokes are here..πŸ˜‡

Predictably nothing signs on the scan when I phoned the surgery. With every encounter we feel more and more done with the NHS the way it is and the way I am.  Although the doc that we will see is possibly a bit of a last chance job.  How can I have anything to do with them over such intimate and important serious life and death, quality of life determining stuff when there has been no recognition no attempt to protect me or other patients that I can be sure of. πŸ˜Ά

We're thinking maybe the parts that were hurt worst on NHS premises, by staff during scheduled appointments on not need to know there will be less contact with the NHS. Which is complicated what with having a 6 year old son and inhaler controled asthma..πŸ„

We started one of those 'plz give me ur money' web pages a few weeks ago now. Knew we couldn't finished it then and there it wasn't easy but also felt good think about taking our needs so seriously. I think we will probably be able to go back to it soon. 

🐝 xx

May 12, 2014

Dribs and drabs

It came to us in a kind of half asleep, half awake state, lots of stuff does it's the easiest way. When the farmer called us Quine someone said 'how does he know my name?'.  She knows a lot of rape from one man it seems so far anyway, an older guy rough voice presumably north east what with calling us 'Quine' and all. But now that part was awake and squished between a very concerned farmer and his dog. He saw his stress over our lack of well being. He swore about the state we were in not at her. She heard his fury at her 'parents'.  She woke up.

Need to see docs to get them to take out the implant. Was on all fours for a bit today. Not bleeding but contracting away.   




May 10, 2014

Yew Tree Emails 2012

Forgive us Karen Bradley, you seemed like you would of done more but were taken off Yew Tree..

From: "Karen.A.Bradley@met.police.uk" <Karen.A.Bradley@met.police.uk>
To: *
Sent: Monday, October 15, 2012 1:55 PM
Subject:

Dear Julia.
Police have received a referral from NSPCC regarding what you disclosed. Would you please email me back with your contact details including your address, or alternatively, please could you contact the office on 0207 161 3854.
Regards Karen
Total Policing is the Met's commitment to be on the streets and in your communities to catch offenders, prevent crime and support victims. We are here for London, working with you to make our capital safer.

Consider our environment - please do not print this email unless absolutely necessary.
NOTICE - This email and any attachments may be confidential, subject to copyright and/or legal privilege and are intended solely for the use of the intended recipient. If you have received this email in error, please notify the sender and delete it from your system.  To avoid incurring legal liabilities, you must not distribute or copy the information in this email without the permission of the sender. MPS communication systems are monitored to the extent permitted by law.  Consequently, any email and/or attachments may be read by monitoring staff. Only specified personnel are authorised to conclude any binding agreement on behalf of the MPS by email. The MPS accepts no responsibility for unauthorised agreements reached with other employees or agents.  The security of this email and any attachments cannot be guaranteed. Email messages are routinely scanned but malicious software infection and corruption of content can still occur during transmission over the Internet. Any views or opinions expressed in this communication are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of the Metropolitan Police Service (MPS).

*dutifully supplied*

 From: <Karen.A.Bradley@met.police.uk>
Date: 23 October 2012 08:49:18 BST
To: <*>
Subject: yew tree

Hi *.

Many thanks for this.

Cheers Karen

From: *]
Sent: 23 October 2012 00:27
To: Bradley Karen A - SCD2
Subject: yew tree

Hi Karen,
I just wanted to add to what we have already discussed, I think the more I have shared before the statement the easier it will be.  Its also because I've just watched Panorama..

I was picked up many times from wherever I was living by Jimmy Savile, who was often with two other men.  Sometimes they took me to him.  I was often forced to hide I'm pretty sure at the moment that I was taken to all of the institutions shown on Panorama.  I found what Merion James said about Duncroft being filled with celebrities and vulnerable girls quite triggering.  There was many high profile people and BBC staff members involved in abuse, rape and threatening anyone who they thought might talk.

I remember traveling with Jimmy Savile during the 80's in airplanes and on boats, usually small ones but sometimes bigger.  Sometimes on these occasions I did not have to hide as much.  I also remember thinking how strange it was that they would put a life jacket on when they caused me so much harm and brought me so close to death.  After awhile I accepted I was protected because I was their commodity.  I was taken to parties on islands and remember having to duck down as we approached a small harbor in a small motorised boat.

Lots happened on Jersey and the Isle of Man.  Their would be the pedophile ring parties then some people would leave and others arrive.  Chairs would be put around the sides of big rooms then someone would be brought in to be raped, humiliated, tortured and sometimes murdered by a member/s of the group while those watching cheered.  It was customary for whoever was made to clean up afterwards would be the next murder victim.  * my friend and neighbour at the time in * and whose father (Hector) is also an abuser was victimised at the same time and places sometimes.  She was also taken to Jersey sometimes she would be taken away before the fatal rape started and other times it would be me who left early.  I met one girl there, she reminded me of Anne because they both had straight blond hair.  I think she was a Haunt de la Garanne resident she looked totally dead in the eyes the first few times I met her.  I held her hand as we sat on the floor as the fatal rape occurred (like me and Anne would do) she looked at me like I had done something nasty but we became friends over time.  I was devastated when it was her turn to clean up, her turn to be murdered but she wasn't bothered, she seemed happy, free about it.  Afterwards Savile gloated about it, calling himself the King.

Think I will go and see if there is something funny on the telly..

Cheers,
*

Morag and Anthony Jordan who were charged with abuse in Jersey were from Angus and were a big part of the Scottish ritual abuse networks as well during the 80's.
Total Policing is the Met's commitment to be on the streets and in your communities to catch offenders, prevent crime and support victims. We are here for London, working with you to make our capital safer.

Consider our environment - please do not print this email unless absolutely necessary.
NOTICE - This email and any attachments may be confidential, subject to copyright and/or legal privilege and are intended solely for the use of the intended recipient. If you have received this email in error, please notify the sender and delete it from your system.  To avoid incurring legal liabilities, you must not distribute or copy the information in this email without the permission of the sender. MPS communication systems are monitored to the extent permitted by law.  Consequently, any email and/or attachments may be read by monitoring staff. Only specified personnel are authorised to conclude any binding agreement on behalf of the MPS by email. The MPS accepts no responsibility for unauthorised agreements reached with other employees or agents.  The security of this email and any attachments cannot be guaranteed. Email messages are routinely scanned but malicious software infection and corruption of content can still occur during transmission over the Internet. Any views or opinions expressed in this communication are solely those of the author and do not necessarily represent those of the Metropolitan Police Service (MPS).

.....

 From: Bradley Karen A - SCO2
Sent: 05 November 2012 10:20
To:*
Subject: RE: statement

Hi *

To be honest I have no idea as your matter will or has been passed to the Scottish Police to deal with. If I hear anything re your case I shall let you know.

Hope you and your little man are keeping well.

Regards Karen

From: *]
Sent: 05 November 2012 09:46
To: Bradley Karen A - SCO2
Subject: statement

Hi,

Hope everything is going okay.  I realise your all very busy but I was wondering if you could give some sort of indication of when I will be able to give my statement.  Do you know if it is likely to be before the end of the year or sometime in 2013?

All the best,

...
Me
To Karen.A.Bradley@met.police.uk
Nov 15, 2012

Hi *.

I shall forward your enquiry onto the Operation Yewtree officers for their attention and hopefully you'll be contacted.

Any problems please don't hesitate to contact me.

Regards Karen

From: *]
Sent: 11 December 2012 17:03
To: Bradley Karen A - SCO2
Subject: hi

Hi Karen,

I spoke to Tayside police who said that Yew Tree would be back in touch within the week but haven't heard anything. I have also just read on the BBC that investigations into Savile have been completed. Where do I stand in regards to this, especially since I haven't been properly interviewed yet?

Regards,






NSPCC Emails October 2012


Gona try put in order a bit.. taking some names out.. Yew Tree to emails to follow.. Left in some put not all of legal signatures.

From: "help@nspcc.org.uk" <help@nspcc.org.uk>
To: *
Sent: Tuesday, October 9, 2012 11:30 PM
Subject: Re: jimmy saville

Dear *

Ref 10060233

Thank you for your e mail which we received today, 9/10/12.

The information you gave will be referred to the police who are dealing with all the allegations regarding Jimmy Savile.

  Please  be aware  that the NSPCC has a duty to share all relevant information including any details you have provided about yourself.  However, the service does operate a strict confidentiality policy and it will be requested that your details are not disclosed.
Regards
Anne
Children’s Services Practitioner.
NSPCC



Thank you for taking the time to contact the NSPCC with your concerns. I hope you have found contacting the Helpline useful.
The NSPCC values service feedback and if you have any comments the NSPCC would be happy to hear them. Please send any comments by return email.


On 09/10/12 19:00, * wrote:
Dear NSPCC,

I am a survivor of ritualistic and organised abuse who remembers meeting Jimmy Saville as a child.  I was led into a room where Jimmy Saville was sitting in a chair while other men stood around him.  He was in a tracksuit, holding a cigar as he was often pictured.  I was told to sit on his lap and talk about my dad who was also an abuser.  I was very young around 3/4 (early 80's)I think and was taken to see him various times over the years for sexual assault and rape at the BBC building and other places.  I would be filled with terror and disgust everytime I saw him on TV but often did not know why.  It was a practice that was repeated with others.  I would be told before hand what to say then taken into a room where someone sat in a chair with men in suits around them.  I am unsure about going to the police because my memories are so vague, I had many differnet dissociated states and multiple personalities growing up but also because the cults I was vicitimsed by often included members of the police and other authority figures.

I was also abused by other TV and radio personalities, sometimes over decades.  I was going to wait to see my therapist to talk about this but because the schools have broken off for the holidays and I am a single mother I will not be able to see her for another 2 weeks.  I have access to legal support and am considering discussing this matter with them.

Kind regards,

*

Please read important notice below:

This email and any documents sent with it are intended solely for the named recipient and may be legally privileged and/or confidential. If you have received this email in error please destroy it and contact the sender, via our switchboard on +44 (0) 20 7825 2500, or via return email. You should not copy, or use the contents, attachments or information in any way or pass them to a third party without prior permission from the author. Any unauthorised use or disclosure may be unlawful. The NSPCC cannot guarantee the accuracy or completeness of this email after it is sent from the originator over the internet and accepts no responsibility for changes made after it was sent.  Any opinion expressed in this email is personal to the author and may not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Society.

National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC), Weston House, 42 Curtain Road, London EC2A 3NH.
Incorporated by Royal Charter. Registered charity number 216401.
Registered Scottish Charity Number SC037717


Please read important notice below:

This email and any documents sent with it are intended solely for the named recipient and may be legally privileged and/or confidential. If you have received this email in error please destroy it and contact the sender, via our switchboard on +44 (0) 20 7825 2500, or via return email. You should not copy, or use the contents, attachments or information in any way or pass them to a third party without prior permission from the author. Any unauthorised use or disclosure may be unlawful. The NSPCC cannot guarantee the accuracy or completeness of this email after it is sent from the originator over the internet and accepts no responsibility for changes made after it was sent.  Any opinion expressed in this email is personal to the author and may not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Society.

National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC), Weston House, 42 Curtain Road, London EC2A 3NH.
Incorporated by Royal Charter. Registered charity number 216401.
Registered Scottish Charity Number SC037717


Please read important notice below:

This email and any documents sent with it are intended solely for the named recipient and may be legally privileged and/or confidential. If you have received this email in error please destroy it and contact the sender, via our switchboard on +44 (0) 20 7825 2500, or via return email. You should not copy, or use the contents, attachments or information in any way or pass them to a third party without prior permission from the author. Any unauthorised use or disclosure may be unlawful. The NSPCC cannot guarantee the accuracy or completeness of this email after it is sent from the originator over the internet and accepts no responsibility for changes made after it was sent.  Any opinion expressed in this email is personal to the author and may not necessarily reflect the opinions of the Society.

National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children (NSPCC), Weston House, 42 Curtain Road, London EC2A 3NH.
Incorporated by Royal Charter. Registered charity number 216401.
Registered Scottish Charity Number SC037717

On 11/10/12 17:42, Julia Stuart wrote:
Thank you for forwarding my email.

The media coverage is bringing lots of flashblacks.  Espically the description of him forcing is tongue down girls throats.  He did this many times to me and I saw him do it to other girls.  I think I was about 2 when he first did it when I lived in *, Scotland.  I remember a group of men he was with laughing about it.  Jimmy Savile was the leader of one of the sex cults my family was involved in.  I believe the last time I was raped by him was in flat in Aberdeen in 2001 when I was 22, although it may have been in Glasgow in 2005.  He took me to his rooms in Stoke Mandavile, hotels, parties and would introduce me to other adults who would have sex and/or torture me.  Although I was never in care I was taken to Jersey for parties and rituals.  I have discussed the abuse with a family protection officer in Fife in 2004 in the presence of East Fife Women's Aid and in 2010 with Tayside police (Shoughna McMann?) sometimes in the presence of Dundee Women's Aid.

My name is * and I currently live in Dundee but was previously known as * until 2004.

From: "help@nspcc.org.uk" <help@nspcc.org.uk>
To: *
Sent: Friday, October 12, 2012 11:33 AM
Subject: Re: Re: jimmy saville

NSPCC Reference 10060233
Dear *,
Many thanks for your additional email which was received by the NSPCC.
This additional information will be shared with the relevant authorities to assist in the investigations currently taking place.
You have mentioned your father also being a part of this abuse and that your family was involved with the sex cults. This information is concerning and it would be useful to know if your father is still alive and if he still has contact with children. The behaviour you have described is not appropriate and it would be advised for these concerns to be shared further. if possible, we would request your father's details and his involvement with these incidents you have described. You can send this information via a reply email or alternatively by speaking to an advisor on 0808 800 5000.
Please contact the NSPCC if we can be of any further assistance to you in this matter.
With Regards,
CWoodhouse. NSPCC



 On 12/10/12 15:37, Julia Stuart wrote:
NSPCC Reference 10060233

Thanks for getting back to me.  I can tell you my father's name is * (*address*) and does have access to children but is no longer involved in cults or incest and would like to stress that whole families were involved not just men.  I am slightly wary of providing much detail at the moment, I have discussed the family histor, ritual abuse and curroption on several occasions in Aberdeen, Dundee, Fife and to other forces and it has not gotten any futher.  When I made an application to the Criminal Injuries Compensations Authority they could find no record of me ever contacting police in Fife or Aberdeen.  I have also given lots of information to and in the presence of Women's Aid workers when I stayed in refuge in St Andrews and in Dundee but do not know what, if anything was done with that information.  I discussed Jimmy Saville with Tayside police and I think also mentioned him to Dundee Child Protection Social Worker * in 2010.  It has only been within the last few months that I have found a good therapist and psychologist who are able to give me proper diagnosises and treatment and although I want to provide as much information as possible the abuse was very severe over many years, involving many people and it may take some time.  Due to past experiences I am also very wary of the police but would like to make some sort of formal complaint about Savile.

Kind Regards,
*
From: <help@nspcc.org.uk>
Date: 12 October 2012 17:08:12 BST
To: *
Subject: Re: Re: Re: jimmy saville

Dear *

Ref 10060233

Thank you for your e mail which we received today, 12/10/12.

The information you gave will be referred to the police who are dealing with all the allegations regarding Jimmy Savile.

 Please be aware that the NSPCC has a duty to share all relevant information including any details you have provided about yourself.  However, the service does operate a strict confidentiality policy and it will be requested that your details are not disclosed.
Regards
Sue
Children’s Services Practitioner.
NSPCC


Fuck U list #1

Have a Nurse Jackie/12 steps inspired item for a fuck u list...

Fuck you 'Dad' for fucking me all those times over all those years and then becoming the only one in the family who showed any real concern over my chronic pain, my need to not be constantly bullshited to by everyone and being a help with my son. Your not forgiven for all the rape though or being part of that trafficking system. I know you have regrets and I know you sometimes tried to stop it. It's not enough you are a dyed in the wool mysognist and your limited efforts to accept me as a human being and not a sexual toy for you and your friends hasn't changed that. We do appreciate those efforts though and the steak and vino. 

May 07, 2014

Stumbling on..

For the non tweeters...

We did already know this but if pain, trauma, stress are stored in the muscles and the muscles are massaged...

She worked on our legs yesterday for a bit it wasn't easy. We trust the determined parts but they can be as wrong as anyone else sometimes. 

The more we accept the more light is shown on hurt parts and their past...

May 04, 2014

Medicated in spring time.. :-)





The scan was better than the last.

Super shrink mentioned I might want to email my mp. No reply so far but they have always replied so far so it seems reasonable that we will at least here from his assistant. Have a feeling it is over with lawyers.. Not definitely Greenwood may get back to me again. I still can't face the thought of approaching Scottish law firms thinking about it triggers to much memories of been taking there by traffickers, being told there is nothing I can do about all the abuse and slavery and showed that the lawyers were abusers to.

Cant say the writing isn't happening though..

Twice now a GP has given us diazepam, same again 14 2mg. I don't want get into necking them constantly but the do provide a break from the anxiety particularly when there is no weed. It's always so good to wake up in the morning and not to feel stress as the first thing you are aware of.  

Taking 2mg was wierd we didn't like it, maybe triggering something nasty we are not ready for but taking 2 of them has been cool. Don't particularly notice it much just don't feel shit, parts less hyper or worried. 

It should be noted that we are also back on the anti Ds and feeling very glad for it. With the pain being the way it's been - fucking mental think we might need the rod removed. Very grateful for last summer of relief but I've been in chronic pain for  over a month and spotting for over a week. 

Not to good for the mental health..

We are ok though thanks a lot to the weed and pills making it possible to get distracted with writing, colouring, drawing and tonight season 4 of nurse Jackie. Tear enducing in its quality and fit to our general tastes.. 

And of course remembering. Accepting and loving the parts that have released and are releasing the trauma, tbh it does feel like it's getting slightly easier. Not in the sense that we are anywhere near the end of it just that we have what we need to not be destroyed by the knowing, by the details..