December 29, 2014

December 2014. Still.

Not long.. apparently..

Hope so coz the house needs cleaned. Would be great to get it done by the new year because January sucks for people in general but for folk who are over their heads in trigger dates there are whole other levels of misery and of course after January comes February.. Hope to spend it nicely medicated and stop feeling guilty about being 'altered' we are never more 'altered' than when our blood is clean of anything, what with the PTSD, the programming, the triggers and the knowing.

Some of us will never believe you are coming back. The rest are frozen. There is just rubble and dust here how are we supposed to build anything with that? We are too busy scrabbling about for day to day survival.. Whilst feeling guilty for having things so good materially. We can afford to buy wine and gas on the 29th, or rather we have cash to buy wine.. Debts are truly insult to injury.. Oh sweet ignorance, wouldn't it be lovely.. If the only thing that would bring you back is orders and traffickers and their associates arranging it means you will never be back. We can't roll like that.

Swear this bed has some sort of portal, before it was spliffs now its a lump of cheese..

Intentions for the New Year, getting back into regular therapy now that we are more settled here and turning it up a notch. Docs cant do much for the pain and nonfunctioning issues so intensive therapy is only hope for it. At very least it might get us to a place where we can at least seriously consider finding private gynaecologist. Or going back to that masseurs who probably has much better understanding of how muscles hold trauma anyway..

The usual day dreams about finding quality reading material, positive feminism.. We don't need to have the workings of misogyny and patriarchy explained to us, we know fine. What we need is writings that make us feel better about our selves, the worlds we live in and the future. Too many of us dont wanna read anyway, too cynical, too tortured. Finding what we need would probably tax out brightest and most confident so our current chances are extremely slim. New Years bring new parts, generally temporarily still doesnt make much sense to heap pressure on them before they are even out.

Guess we need to figure out what we are going to do with Jersey Inquiry. Seemed to have slammed into an emotional brick wall. It's all so much bigger than any individual inquiry, as our dreams recently keep reminding us. Wish they weren't all getting their way though, we are mute and isolated, UK activists are abusers and/or supporting rapists, truthers only care about crap on the internet and not about people, Government disgusting, press riddled, uninformed and controlled to the hilt, etc and we are out of wine and cheese.. Don't remind me about normal mature cheddar in fridge our needs are beyond that.

Gotta be said though, as we have said since sometime in the 90s every Christmas's will always be better than one before and we were right, these years anyway.

..We bought the album, Art Garfunkle with the song on it and played it over and over, trying to sing until we remember who we were singing it to. He turned up, said it was our song, for Rosa even though she wasnt his. He broke a bit when we said that. But we knew the surveillance we were under we had to keep weak parts upfront. But we are so sorry.

..
And people bitch about internet history being gawked at.. get a life.

December 28, 2014

Bright eyes.

Ow.

Its quite sharp at the moment and has been for a few hours. If it was a shape some of us would say a big curvy blobby orangey red, others spikey in cold blues and white. Others think yellow because of its association with cowardliness. The cowardliness of those that caused it  more than the weakness it causes in us.  To 'me' at the moment its the colour of his skin, its the ache of a phantom limb, the weight of how it feels to be bought and sold, to be less than livestock. Its the pain of being tortured from infancy and still being able to bond and knowing how that bond will need to be destroyed by everyone around us from those than gained the most from slavery, to the managers and fellow slaves.  They all saw us as something that can not be. Every second of love, of pride turned the world charcol grey with hate.

It's so far from over. How can we let anyone near us after knowing what it felt like to be touched by someone who knew us and looked up to us.. Someone who we found over and over again that gave us and still gives us our sense wholeness, of personhood.


Maybe it was around this time of year when Ferris murdered baby Rosa (the first).  Maybe it was around this time that he helped us remember so we wouldnt be so confused about why I was in such a mess. So I could at least make a small step towards mourning and accepting that is needed to get out of that state of terror, shock and disbelief that makes it so easy for the abuser crews to revicitimise us.

Its good to have furr balls about the place, even if the mom of the adolescent boy wont let him anywhere near her, she growls even if she hears him in another room and is possibly pregnant. Bit concerned that she is going to get too big and wont be able to squish herself flat enough to get out from underneath my bed.  The wee lad is great highly entertaining and doesnt do that whole attacking your hand because they get too excited from petting thing that lots of cats do. Had a lovely hour or so dozing cuddled up with him on the sofa, zonked out on gabapentin, codrydromal and brandy.  The only relief from pain is getting wasted. We love the way getting zonked up opens up our mind but hate that we have to take drugs to feel in touch and comfortable with our selfs.  Must be three weeks or so since our last spliff, we get the idea to try the things we would be likely to do if we had plenty, like keeping housework under control or playing with our toys but not the drive.

Anyhow. Cheers brother husband and sorry we wont use your names here, I know you would tell us just to do whatever we could to feel comfortable and always wept with us or for us when we couldn't.  Would be great if you could turn up soon. Couple of CID asked is I had heard from my 'husband' on the night Laura died, we just looked at them and shook our head. The more human ones asked if I was married once the tools had left we showed them our naked hands and said no, talked about how every thing is taken off me, the slavery and the DID.  When we were talking about Laura's two we said it would be good to talk to someone unbiased, to figure out what was best for them.  She said they were all biased towards me. Things feel much safer but dont know how true that is.

Bring weed. Lots of it. I have enough to feed us and their is enough space.

xx


Cant properly proof read this (when can we ever?)..

December 21, 2014

Named another fucker.

Weeping. Pointlessly and continuously.

Winter fucking solstice.  Its only to be expected. But those words dont come from a safe place or a caring person they come from ring members, telling us what to expect more importantly telling us what they will say when we meet them when we trying help ourselves, when they are in their day time postions in charities, police, counsellors and therapists.

Remember that politician in St Andrews. Him and a bunch of others standing in the door way, telling me not to talk, not to name him. We said 'OK' I think, feeling quite strongly that of course we bloody would. Physically I couldnt move but mentally and emotionally I was fine, the scared parts were well back. They looked like such a bunch of pathetic tools. Whatever had just been done to me and whatever was going to be done didnt change the facts. They were proper low lives no amount of careers, money or supportive contacts would ever change that.  I'm a decent human being. They are cunts.

The MPs name, we believe was Simon Danczuk. Current MP for Rochdale.. Looking at his profile on twitter is not making us feel very well. He was with the Exaro cunts back in 2001 as well, around in Glasgow, not sure if he was there in person in last rapes up in Aberdeen in 2010 but was involved somehow. Think there are some in here trying to say he was in Aberdeen in 2010 but others are not letting them through, to protect parts of ourselves from the memories. He is associated with Moyles and his lot.  But lots of 2001 abusers were working with them back then what with them being given the job by the intelligence/criminal powers that be. Getting lots of grim flashes now that we have named the fucker and much less doubt that we are wrong.

Much less weepy now to. Thanks to the hot milk and brandy, Carrie and the girls, and of course - naming the fucker.

December 15, 2014

December 2014. Post 1.

Hey Laura,

Thank you again for the house. And the furniture, the lap top, the kindle..

I'm sitting here at 9 am on Monday morning with a flat blim and a brandy hot chocolate coffee, the kitchen is an unspeakable mess but have made good progress in here and the decorations started.  Left pabs with mum. This cold has kicked our ass. We knew last Christmas that this December the annuaau dropping of the made up front to hide the trafficking and all signs of it would be particularly well .. dropped.  Haven't done any actual work on the actual paper collage we are working on with Therapist but the internal one has come on a lot. One part in particular was around for a while the other night has a fairly comprehensive understanding of where she comes from, who did what to her, how she changed and what she did to get out. She has a linear understanding of her history..

She is not shocked by remembering, by the details like usual day to day parts are.  She has such an strong unemotional view of it all, so grounded. Its understandable that others might feel she is too unaffected or cold but she was a bit like that anyway and it rooted her through all the horrors in ways that the rest of us cant begin to imagine.  She is aware of being in a system and rarely engages I guess in a human chatty way with other parts, if she is out she is out.  When she isn't, she watches and not in a cold way, its a humane and rationale way.  There were times when even she looked away.She was capable of being hurt just as much as any of 'us' when she is present she just isn't retraumatised by the recall because she experiences so much in the here and now, matter of fact way. She is acutely aware of her responsibilities to others internally but doesn't waste any energy torturing herself by worrying about things that she has no power over. She isn't vulnerable to grooming and emotional manipulation like some of us were. She is technically minded thats all. She isnt interested stories and art, just the truth.

Spent some time trying to think of a name for her. Got no where..Not ready for all that. They are not needed for internal communication anyway its only talking to outside people that they start to become an issue.

The last fat blim before we are out.. made mocha added an amount of brandy more you sized.. Something you wouldn't respect however is the pusses when they arrive. LOL! Going get every ready for them before getting them over. We are really looking forward to it the extra DLA has meant we can stock up on food, litter, toys and beds for them. Don't want pusses if we cant spoil them. Will be so good for the bairns. Who are fine. Gracie forgive us a little each time for being alive and not being a useless cunt like her dad ever time we let big little man stay over. We need the time, more of it to get house sorted and to begin to heal self. Unlike mother. She was be able to talking about getting back to 'normal' hours after a close family death.

Its been hard work, emotionally going through all your stuff, really, really crippling. Mum would be no use anyway she just chucks everything out without really looking at what she is doing, not processing anything.  The truthness around means there is too much rape and rape torture memories to want anything to do with dad, Lynne is a fucking bitch and your son is well, up their with them..

Bastards.

December 04, 2014

:-(

Gabapentin not working so well..Watching CNN.  British news showing disgusting politicians taking about some middle class bull shit.  I hate being choked.  Who the hell doesn't?
I'm so not an adult. Our tough parts are faked but sometimes is was people who cared that helped us fake.  Used to think that to, its being filmed, thats proof. But it doesnt matter.  Things determined by systems way before anyone alive today was born.

More pennies though but think the buying stuff has brought out self denial parts to stop us feeling like we are a person who is entitled to anything.  Cant do this alone.

But has been better memories handled better, accepted as the past and slept well last night, managing the school run happily and on time. Not sure if it will be the same tomorrow morning.

Kinda need weed. Getting that destructive, lashing out feelings when we have not had for weeks. Spoke to him yesterday though so thats better than phones off the hook or going straight to voice mail.

Sleepy now, took a second Gabapentin.

Hate mother, she takes kids to Santa's grotto, encourages belief in all that but will talk about buying stocking fillers in front of them. Like they are not there.

.. that was last night before the 2nd Gabapentin of the evening knocked us out. Felt horrid this morning and all day. Did a whole three minutes of sanding before having to gave in to cry. So horrible to think of people allowing and assisting what people did to us over all those years.  We keeping feeling, seeing the same moment over and over. Face down and naked on a bed in my room, the Dream Team trying to get me to relax.  The young girl from the 'Mummy' post was quite possibly one of there's.  Maybe we are about to go through a patch of getting details about the ten - twenty years of being the Dream Teams' gimp and source of income.  There is a lot there we haven't begun to process. There is always a will to get work done to get to a place where there is so much less terror about it all. Think it would test our therapist a bit, not that we dont think she has the reserves, the skills and the experience just that she is a human being who cares about us.

Lost so many people who care about us because it all. People who were manipulated into believing things that weren't true that in turn meant things happening to us or us being left in isolated when there could of been some contact, parts being created or broken up that wouldnt of been if someone who cared about us had said hello. No matter how much we understood and understand, we just couldnt forgive. Dont know if we could forgive them now they are not asking.

Keep thinking about how calls for help so often just advertised ourselves and what was going on to offenders and 'business' people while anyone that wasnt just looked away and blocked there ears and kept their eyes shut even tighter.

It's such a shitty world, for so many.

Patches like this they are flip side to bliss out days which we will have again soon, real soon.





December 01, 2014

'Mummy'

Fabulous Gabapentin not so fabulous today. Pain pretty bad. Well it is the first of December and yesterday was St Andrews day.  Someone posted something about the St Andrews cross looking painful we just scrolled on, wishing we answered 'yes we can confirm that' or blocked them.

No work on statement tonight not after last night which pretty much forced ourselves into it and then dissociated, in a 'shit where are we and where were we before that' it didnt last too long we have a just below the surface part that finds that shit amusing because it challenges the sense that we are just weak, lazy and making it up.  It creeps some of us out but it also helps avoid anxiety which is kind of a life saver.  Inquiry have said they have said they are going to send on the details of the support. What a laugh that will be.

Verbalising today. 'Mummy' Seeing the murder of young girl. When I had one bed on one side of the room and another, think that makes us about 14/15 in 79 years. She is about 2 or 3. She looks at me and says mummy, over and over as the men rape her against the South side bed while I am on mine on the North. We are not in total shock, we have seen acts likes this before and know it. Think there is three of them, white blokes, Scottish organised crime but the other two, rich fathers? media careers? music industry.. Can't say.   Doesnt make it less horrible when you are familiar with it just doenst cause the same level of dissociation. One of the blocks says to her 'keep saying that.' She does. 'Mummy, Mummy' Not like she was begging for my help, just reaching for a connection in hell, see me, remember me, love me. They obscure my view of her face for a bit and she isnt saying anything then her body starts to shake and jerk and I know she is dead.

The bloke who told her to keep saying 'mummy' zips up his trousers and says some stuff. I don't listen I never did. Instructions and threats probably. It's just a job to him but his pride in completing it was obvious, the other two were younger and had a look of relishing it like it wasnt a job as much as a leisure activity like they choose to be there.

After remembering that we saw the bottle feeding, sitting on my bed in the same place in the room, smiles, hugs and lullabys. They like to make sure I had bonded with victims before the killing. Tried and tested technique if you are determined to survive by staying human.

Think we have posted this before but maybe it was a draft or handwritten scribbles.  What does it matter, the killers are dead or protected. The bones crushed, limed, sunk, incinerated.  Or kept in places, no will be looking anytime soon.

I couldnt even get my dad to lock the doors, not that it would matter, him or my mum, sisters, of whoever would just let them in anyway.