December 29, 2015

Limbo

Feeling it today. Hiding out in bedroom while N and wee man play Zelda. A family meeting will have to happen soon. Never easy for any family but this family trigger our muted parts. Lips sealed because of the traumas and because no one listened or acted or even responded sometimes.  God there was so much hate for any kind of standing up for yourself or others. Even we were in trying to make the best of it states we could feel how much we weren't wanted it turned the air to smog and made the ground quick sand.

Some of us and others who did time with the rings torturing them and telling them that they were Louise and that they were me so they would have parts that believed thought Louise's family hated us because we were steeling her place. Louise wasn't treated any better though and they didn't seem to care or fight for each other much either.. Our memory is influential of course as is all of yours.

Did they think it was us that was bringing the traffickers in? Did so many people really enjoy raping and selling each other? Their trouble didn't start when Louise was born no way could that be true. Then we realised they were all just doing what they were told and weren't interested in even telling us apart.  Some of us realised early it was going to kill us. That the ' family' may or not be the ones to commit the actual murders but it the orders they carried out years, decades before placed us at the scene of our deaths and no one who could stop it would.

The aim is that the victim is dissociated to an extent that they never identity with their own flesh again and will be a meat puppet until death.  For us that fight to get home to our core, to control our own bodies and choices can't give up on ideals of basic human dignity but there is little here to give us much hope. Too many of our worst abusers have unquestioned support and everything is rigged to keep us from meeting our own needs.

We can't say it enough and we will never stop burning over the hobbling of generation after generation, we what the UK is and does. From the flimsy rotting facades of its culture to the absolute control of everything through horrific violence and advanced forms of social control behind everything. Not in a slaughter and maim people sort of way but in a constant physically painful need to be else where so my life can begin. So we can stop being scared of wee man and start truly accepting and processing anything.

We wish we could write better but whenever we read over what we have written we see what we want to say and the words we need and how far away they are. We've learned that the closer we feel to the things and people that make us feel safe and valued the further they really are. Its just another trick to destroy morale. It works.

We miss our kids. We need them. We are told nothing at times when we have a chance to really take in what's being said. Too busy trying to reduce the damage caused by everything else that is going on. Its not always the intention of whoever talks to us to overwhelm us so we become some kind of dissociated we have had many parts in many able states over the years but they get prevented from doing anymore working or socialising sooner or later. Its always devastating to the rest of us when we loose a professional, a communicator. Its no good having friends who would and could do anything for you if you have no means of contacting them or explaining the depths and complexity or the shit you are in.

...

We have to ask since we are in that kind of a pained mood. Was that an Xmas present from your people Liz? A sorry we slaughtered Anastasia but that is what we do after all but since your still annoying alive we better offer some kind of sick assed peace offering because we are being pressured into it?

..

We don't know what they fuck to do about having a name even for ourselves. If we asked our husband we think he would probably say if we forced him Diane or maybe Alexis. Its very hard to get away from the revolutionary well connected women since of who we are but part of that is being yourself and fighting for others to have the opportunities to be themselves not have a destiny mapped out for you before your born. It makes us feel unScottish which is always in it's favour if we are able to think outside the cell. 

December 27, 2015

Now what.

An other funeral to get through. More kids to miss. We havent been here for them much since their mum died we've been drowning and getting our fingers stamped on everytime we bash against a sea weedy rock to briefly clutch. Being alone with our wee man is triggering enough. The three of them and us like we have been the ridiculous and horrific crap that will kill us if think for a minute that we are safe leaves nothing.  Days before we realised we were scared to the point of physical illness at the idea of them not staying with Margo or me anymore. Were not comfortble with a language that talks about letting human beings go because its bollcks we were thinking that what with us still having an pulse and other shit that has happened over the last year and a half and not not discussed here in any way that we dont fear for the bairns safety like we used to.

Our head is still mince of course and we are no real state to mention names and not in a bad enough state to just do it anyway but the fuckers do not have the hold over Scottish victims lives like they have for centuries. They are still in control over everything else of course but we cant fight ignorance in high tech cultures at the expensive of our own flesh. I have seen to many sisters and brothers die because I thought they knew better. Broken hearts in cornered fighters. I guess its how they get anyone.

We never knew Margo as a fighter. Maybe she might of been or even was once but we never saw it and that always made it hard for us to respect or understand her when she was alive.  We have been so scared of her because we knew she would never have our back. There was no truth and we were whoever she was told we were.

There is relief but its still more shock with no one to lean on or talk to.

December 20, 2015

Just like mother..

She was always amazing and to be in an environment where we could just be and not hide what we were about was always so brilliant. She was just as bad. What a history. You won't be reading about it in a weekend supplement with a national newspaper any time soon unfortunately. Fighting more or less blind. We had so much tell each other. We were falling clues left by predecessors without any illusions about what happens to folk like us. So many kept locked up, squished and enslaved decade after decade. British authorities attitudes to intelligent sensitive people hasn't changed much in last few centuries, kill it or split it. She asked to track down one of the girls we still see everywhere. Scratched codes in attics and other places, there faces in mirrors behind us. Shouting 'Viva la revolution' in their Edwardian pinafores with double all the power and purpose of any of the French blokes that came before them. Women see their futures taken from them every time there is almost massive social change. We know we are betrayed and the misogyny from high and low alike will turn our sons into our most feared abusers so we do whatever we can to hand down whatever we can to the unborn enlightened in the hope that they will have a chance.  She said she could get us out of Scotland if we found her. They pimp our minds long long after our bodies aren't much value to them.

Still bloody waiting mum and my zombie 'sister' is still the fascist puppet on the throne surrounded by rapists of all kinds.

He who controls the hand that rocks the cradle rules the world. So much promise ruined. So much science held back. All these lies lived in terror, hunger and pain as the truth and dignity we are all entitled to is kept back so a bunch of vicious gangsters and their industries can maintain their false authority.

Separate the boys and the girls then manipulate, program, train, brainwash and torture them in different ways so we never have each others backs or can truly fight side by side again. Ritual Abuse, state sponsored mass human rights violations and all the programming in Britain did not begin in the 1980s.  They have been breeding people, slaughtering people, torturing babies and experimenting with turning people into robots for much longer than that. They did ramp up the scale and modernise it then though.

I miss my family. I worry about Andy I know he will be worried about us. I miss talking without having to bullshit or dissociate with Beatie and everyone. Miss bloody useless Will and I'm not all that sure about you H. Miss big ears of course and my Papa, who gave us a most wonderful education and some lovely troops.

Trying not to get depressed at thought of being stuck here next year. Survive a day at a time and our energy levels have been a bit better. Still though. Where the fuck is my brain and know we are terrified and trained to never actually be who we are here but come on, how the fuck are we going to get away with a mind like this?

As always we focus on the negative and not the positive..  

December 14, 2015

D.C

Didn't get out of bed much again today Daddy. Think about you lots and what they did to your legs. And how I got you out.  It will be breaking a lot of hearts as more people find out why we have such a horrific time of it over here and how horrific it is. We don't want to think to much about the therapist this now but knowing you know helps. What can we have ever of done differently? We wouldn't of been able to just be and serve in the states like we did if more people had known. Seeing someone question everything you have worked so hard for them to understand about you before your eyes. You can move forward from it but its changed the relationship forever. Just what they want when they prefer you not to have any relationships at all.

Which version of her can we believe was real? Her D.I.D was awful and there was only so much we could help her when so much of horribleness was the direct result of things she had signed for or was done in her name, her office. Russian mum always said it was useless that the violence against women and women in power particularly was too much. She was right of course but nothing prepare us for what's really happened to us here and how cheaply all humans but small ones in particular are treated. 

We all knew you fought with everything you had when you were a child because the years of breeding took out every women without exception. That was a Royal women thing not a Soviet thing.

Cried loads today. The cats a doing my head in. Ran out of money and had to ask M for some more for sanitary towels and food for junior and the bloody fur balls. Wasn't up for asking N for more. He is supposed to popping in over Xmas and we said great of course for junior to play with but now we are so triggered. What was going on with him.. Hes never been an easy guy to talk honesty to.

This is not forever. This is not forever. And I'm not going to die any time soon either.

Diane Capri.

December 13, 2015

None of this is real.. Right?

Mummy I just realised you hardly got out of bed at all today.

Hope he forgives us for all the times we hardly get out of bed. We never had a problem with it. As long as there were hugs. Sometimes we would get too scared and forget everything and wouldn't be able to go in and ask for one she helped us work out steps to get up the courage to go in. But what if we are wrong about everything. But your not.

Things were never simple though. We were never alone. His accent and vocabulary have become that of his favorite you tuber. Who is a well mannered young man but it hasn't helped how hard we take his know it all ness. We are scared of him and what this life if continues as it has been will turn him into. We know its down to us. We need to make him see us but we feel we have so little left for him and no where safe for him to go.

Sunday nights. Been our cutting or want to cut night for months now. Skene early nineties some of the worst of it all. The posh boys didn't get so hands on so much anymore they sent the Dream Team and others instead. They did what they wanted then put us back under. Always tied. Always heavy. Starvation and pregnancies.

How do you not abandon all hope of home during all that.

We could smell them and remember their hugs for a while. Mum and Dad. After a while we lost who they were but got flashes if their smiles and warmth. But we lost that to. They had mapped us to well. Pretending didn't work. There was no time after to fix our head after and remember who we were.

Florida Dad? You lucky bastard. But we know it means little with things as they are. Even if they are better in that they are quieter with less attacks. You were always so wary of pushing us. It was and is exactly what we need.

We will do our best over Christmas and try not to cry too much. Its still a couple of weeks away and a lot could happen in that time.. If it doesn't us and the dude will cozy, feed and have each other and the a Wii U from N.. Probably shouldn't complain but we bloody will.

Love you Dad.
I love you Mum.

Alexis.

Xx

December 12, 2015

Bastard (fuck the British Establishment)

Its not so bad, my arm. Hate that we are screaming like that. Not remembering as much as reliving everything that dragged us here. We are still mending bridges in our mind though. Blokes holding up notes, pointing at the profile and then pointing down at us. All so funny. Got the procurers excited in a different way. It was obvious they got off on uttering the very words to punters.  Posh palace paper pushers hated us and would still do anything to end this particular embarresment. Everyone else loves us but no where was ever safe for long. It was used in the Scottish RA as an excuse for other kids to be trained to distrust and trigger us. While anything we built up on our own would be undermined when it got out. When we were accepted we knew the violence was on its way and soon we would be back in Britain, torture, rescues, hiding, programming, escapes, capture, torture.. Filthy Soviet spy, little bastard whore and all. But they dont rape me mum and they care people and how can this get worse look at what your own people are doing to you.

Not all bad of course.  Food.  Hugs. Education. Takes a longtime to wish you could go outside if you have massive palaces to explore..

To scary often though. Round any corner could be the end to warmth and care and we would be back shivering, flithy and starving living feral in Scotland. Or worse. Like being kept to be bled dry for everything they can get with no respite until you are husk they can fill with their hate and their agendas.

We were so close when I was younger. She told me everything and was so loving and affectionate when she could be but the violence and all intricate nets off bullshit and brutality did its job.

We dont know whats going to happen but we have more sense now than to engage in any body and soul destroying efforts based on absolute impossibility that we could be left alone to build a life from the hate and slave trade they have surrounded us with here in Scotland. The posh evil paper pushers and the sick fucks win. They generally do.

Could do one of the major jobs that we wished we could of done last year since we are stuck here anyway. The kitchen has been not only cleaned but painted and winter fest deco up. Green, of course. We always want everywhere painted green. Its pretty marvelous.. Absolutely exhausted.

Wee man still needs to be in an environment where he can let go of his amnesia and his upfront Scottish programmed part so he can heal and begin his life as do I.

Christ that therapist was fucking awful. I cant believe we survived those years in Dundee and we are not saying that from a position of ignorance about all the years before.

Pig fucker or us folks.
No one flies until we do.
Bring it down.

RIP all my little sisters and brothers.

A.A.

December 03, 2015

Take me to church.

Plenty times there was no morning after pill though. If you are someone they are making effort to take down and we are regardless of how amnesiac or active we are then folk doing rounds aren't going to get near.  When they really have you, you need formal state signatures to get out. So if your in the UK your fucked because the forces that put you there work in the interests and direct orders of the fuckers who put you there. As the blood in Patrick Church testified. 

Safe. Spoonie didn't get that one. Mates dont need signatures and we dont always need signatures or mates to get out. Needed everything back then. It never came. Or came hurt and unprepared. Still waiting but need them much less to protect us from Gabe, Elaine, Shona McMann. Not sure about other Scots though or London & Leeds & Manchester crews though.

So close to saving Louise. Too close. If we had just been stronger on the day.

It was Gabe's. We keep saying it. We never stop. Help. Don't leave us alone. Its the dream team and their abusers. Its the BBC, its Westminster and their journo thugs. They will spin any crap and hire anyone. Rouge elements within British Militarily. Its the rings, they have everything and everyone that gets near me. Even back when we were trying to hide in Skene and other places when we were carrying Gabe and were 8/9 we couldn't just blame the 'Brits' we had worked with too many. Seen too many turn to mist, sewed too many back too together, been heard and held by too many.

They would try and get us to hate public more but we always have a healthy disrespect for the masses. Its not the same as wanting them to be raining down on each other. That wont help. We want them better educated. Better training, less rapes and mind control, ease up on the baby slaughter, stop telling them we are not at war with each other all the fucking time. Not blowing up planes so they rain own each other. Raining humans - not gonna help a community deal with its corrupt public services and organised crimes issues. Is it? As I believe we said at the time. They were very very British people. Working for very British agencies and organisations. Other elements? Always investigate OC first. RIP Lockerbie & travelers.

They mapped our worst nightmares, arranged them to happen over the next decades and they all happened. With us and others saying exactly was and was going to happen but all we got was more abuse and isolation. And everyone else of course but many of then will have enough of their pleasure centres lit up enough regularly enough to not be writing annoying blogs or working though irksome hit lists.

Fuck knows how many police, journalists, industry leaders, politicians, healthcare professionals, social workers, judges etc., had the same surgery and some of they same extensive abuse that the Dream team, Gabe, Nathan, the Girls had.

Nurse was lovely today at GPs. Gave us what we needed. Sympathy. Including arm stroke. And a tetanus shot. Records said we haven't had once since 1984. Isn't that the year I was born? Approx. (1979 Lej) Must of been carnage for us and everyone else with the tetanus shots when we were trying organise care for all the unregistered and the rest in Scotland. It was impossible. 

Lol. Your tune just came on. Losser Baebay.
Quine.

 

December 02, 2015

Just pretend its not real

Can't touch the clean memory button and vanish like the beginning of grim blog post that hasn't been saved. Its OK though. We are all struggling. Knowing we need to be in our own flesh but knowing that flesh comes with so much pain and revulsion at the way its been treated. And not being able to stop opening your flesh up with a kitchen devil. Also not good for any of us.

We bought that kitchen knife like we always do. We would love that we thought of preparing food or arts and crafts but when buying kitchen knifes but we don't. Some of us cant relax if there is nothing sharp in the kitchen or closer.

We weren't conscious of how new the handle looked when we took it upstairs.

Its been all about the mummy love me as I rape you flashbacks atm. They we after a pregnancy. Its all about the pregnancies and the fear of pregnancies. And orgasms. And getting specific shots for porn and public humiliation and hate. They are always very determined and would of got a pregnancy if it wasn't for someone getting the morning pill to us.  Your son's a pro Quine. Police involvement in organized crime is never good news in any community.

Sometimes doing rounds with painkillers and the morning after pill is all you can do.

We phoned the old guy today. Head full of the three girls and their driver deaths. They weren't children anymore and can't any more. I can't save Louise. And then walking into his flat without the piece.

Gabe still there
Aye Scuff's still here..

We knew this. It wasn't like it happened once. Its not like we don't know the damage the dream team and their owners did. Its not like we really believed we could get our baby back now.

Same script as years ago. Like nothing happened. None of it.

We talked a little while. Or at least both said words. Cannabis prices and quality. We told him we cut and weren't doing well. We just wanted to hear the sound of our own voice not bullshitting.  As if this was an occasion where that was possible.

Not sure who brought up Gabe again. We did the same routine as before. With a hand on the lid of our fury and terror.

Is he still with Elaine?

He makes all flustered sounding noises. We make out 'just pals' and 'you've got it all wrang'

Do we Graham?

We see Dasha in the playground. Nothing but bones and cuts and bruises. And eyes glad to see us, arms that hugged tight. And voice no one could be blocking out.

We hang up on him as he continues to object. Exactly like before.

Yea. Our littles have felt too much of it now to have hope. They are all in shock. As are they rest of us. We can't get past the catastrophic catatonic states induced by the therapist when times were at their worst. We can't punish our selves with all that public transport anyway.

December systems here now and we can cope with it much better than last year when we really were dangerously and so horribly dissociated. We are grounded better but its not exactly a rose garden we have get between our toes. We will never stop hating not having ID here in the UK and using Louise's DOB and NHS number is heartbreaking and triggering as the cunts designed it to be. Just me left now. That's not at all terrifying.

More Winter fest deco ordered. Don't think we will be too upset if we need to leave it all behind. Stuff we couldn't force our self to order last year purely because we really liked it. :-)

Its the present wrapping that fucking gets us. Every bastard year.

At least we don't have to worry about any cutting intentions. Not for a long while. Whatever is under the dressing slapped on by that cow of an er nurse is gonna break us. Like all the other times. No Watkins ID sharer here to weep with us either.

At least this time it was actually almost definitely our hand that did it..

Still avoiding all news and telly. Wish we could do good stuff.

December 01, 2015

Upper left arm lac

Didn't intend to cut so deep. All the other knives are blunter than we thought. Mostly bruises and temporary scratches.  Not the last time though. Needed stitches. We sang for them but none came. Stuck it together with a plaster and selotape. No one to take us and we weren't gonna bus it. Taxi there and back. £40. We were in and out in minutes. She said it didn't look deep before looking at. Opened up what hadn't healed as she cleaned it said it was too late that it didn't look infected and will leave a bad scar stuck gauze and a dressing and that was that. She called us some kind of affectionate term as we left but we didn't hear. Too busy scurrying out of there in tears.

Always check a cutters temp ppl. There may be others we are not showing. And it makes us think you might give a fuck.

Another cloud for the dragon tattoo. We would rather it wasn't there or wasn't as bad.

Programming.

Fucking hate it.

Help.