January 30, 2016

Violences

So the violence isn't very recent which means our brain isn't freaking out quite so much. By "violence" we mean the instructions of course that generally come with it. Do or don't do this or that. Say or don't say. Write and don't write. So the layers start revealing themselves more not enough to feel confident as someone who knows where they come from but not so exposed and unanchored. The intention to control every little action and limit the mind and emotions to well used stock easily maintained patterns. The having to pretend you believed so they would leave. Knowing I could believe in better days all I wanted its still there world where it matters out there. Not so much in here even if our mind has been targeted by mass cluster bomb attacks. The rubble can be slowly picked up and structures can be built to fit our needs. Very slowly. With constant flinching and uncomfortable hypervigilance that might still be needed to stay alive and unpregnant.

We've been allowing ourself to draw it out a little, what the real threat of pregnancies and no choices in relation to them does to peoples minds. What it does to children who told or threatened with this for a future or shown it to be the present of someone they care about. Some of us are scared to really face this because we are scared we wont be able to stop not in an abuser trained way because so much of that is still pretty opaque its out of love. So often we had to tell ourself no more knowing it was out of our control and nothing had changed. There are ring members addicted to it and they're protected by each other and the deferential culture towards people capable of the most damaging kinds of abuse.

We feel outside the references of most self help and professionals. How can we make plans, how do we grow roots when so many people who have and would do them so much harm are still driving around so close to us? How do we encourage parts that are burning to grow when we don't know if we have the means to nurture them.. We can't help but buy them books and toys anymore than we can stop ourselves from reaching out books we know from our education will remind us that we are not the only one who thinks in certain ways or about certain things there are actually people making a reasonable living out of it. We still have false hope worries of course we do.

What's very recent? I'm not the sort of voice that can answer those questions very well. Last summer. Attempts we saw or were warned about so they were neutralised just in time or we most likely wouldn't be writing this. Can't not be devastated by the estrangement and the manipulation of emotional bonds or child protection issues and still be human. Only things we came away with was that we cried hard.

We are recognising some of the damage done by supershrink. Some of us are saying that she is an abusers shrink who enables their behaviour and justifies it because her profession aims at stabilising people first and then challenging the behaviors. We can't believe she said some of the things she said there is just blank spaces over some of the sessions. She seemed so nice she can't possibly of just told us things the rings were saying about us because they were also her clients. She can't believe them over us we just couldn't handle that right now with all the other stuff the rings are doing. We wont be able to help any of the children. Things can't be that bad it must just be programming, this isn't really happening.

It did though. We managed to find ways to feel safe during all that we can manage to after, eventually. We can be aware of the children and not knowing how bad they have it without it destroying us and keeping us away from the one we were so generously allowed to keep as long as we don't have support and are completely isolated to make sure there arnt any unforseen factors should they need anything from us.

There are almost always unforeseen factors though. We know from our own ops. It helps if you are open to a fuller spectrum of human behaviours and potentials rather than the dehumanised perspective of career rapists and slave traders.

She is with the legions of people in our life who we believe did us some good at some points but who we were not able to defend themselves when the full force of their methods of control were focused on her. No one can. But we are never that amnesic that we ever really drop our guards much. They get exhausted and overworked they don't decide take it easy because every thing will probably be fine. We learned we were not as split as we act and the tough littles will wake and strong we needed them and we had any chance of defending ourself.

We are so glad you don't ask questions blog. We understand when people do and hope they don't mind too much when we can't answer them.

..
Goodnight Sweeties. Xxx *skwish hugs*

January 25, 2016

Not quite so urgent.

Hey Chris,

Listened to a guided muscle relaxation audio last night and tonight. There is so much available for free its overwhelming particularly if you are all ready overwhelmed. Hopeful that we have used one and are quite excited about trying more. Its the only start. Finding new ways to make our muscles somewhere we can be again. Again..

Being in a place where we are eventually following doctors orders with the Gabapentin has been difficult to get to. Theres been so much shame and and anger over not being able to function, we read some tweets that were talking about that same stigma. We are moving away from that place where its impossible to emotionally identify with other peoples horrors. It's a survival thing of course like so much else we rationalise on our horrors being particularly mental. 

Cultural history is the way we challenge that alienation. Its easier to start with by emphasising with people who have been dead for centuries if we feel its to dangerous to be building emotional attachments to humans now. We wrote this last night

What are we interested in?
Women's history. Taking apart the heavy but unquantifiable knowledge that its always like this or that. Knowing that the misogyny we have experienced universally forever.

To wonder about the role of PTSD and DID in history without getting too into the RA.

More not Western European history

How much it's all been about peoples leaving, moving, mixing not always just taking. We know the slave trade as always been huge we don't want that fact to keep us from all others.

To revise and add to our understanding of the history of history and empiricism.

We've also been playing a lot of Windwaker HD..

Love you of course.
Lexi

(What if I'm wrong!!!!)

January 20, 2016

Is this the best for us planet?

Its so difficult to keep feeling love from people we never see or talk to. It makes us doubt everything like real friends and family are just our Rabbie Burns. So real because it was parts of us making a life that was tolerable for the rest of us. The rest that had their own flesh were all just grooming, just following orders. They get everyone who thinks there is something in the rapist controlled world that is worse saving. We need to do what we are told to do to the Quine, all the other Louise Johnstons, everyone that resists and their babies or we could end up like them! Its quite mutual. Death is preferable to a life where you hand your babies and children over to pornographers and experienced programmers and then tell them afterwards  if they are still capable of screaming and crying that it " wasn't that bad. Everything is not going to be OK. They do not let people go because they gave in obviously its more likely you have just brought in your whole family & friends & their unborn kids for generations.

If you don't respect or fear the police they will use drug dealers, petty and/or organized crime thugs for hire depending on your class and contacts. If you don't respect or fear the underclass then its police and professionals that will be controlling your life, making all your decisions for you and keeping you traumatised and amnesiac. We are from a few different social layers what with peoples attempts to adopt us and keep us out so we get to see the full array brain dead capable of anything tools, there only fear is real exposure or their protected status with accompanying state paid for security surveillance ending. The best way to avoid for them to avoid this they have been told and they take in nothing else anyone says is to keep doing what they are told and never consider anything else.

It is kind of impossible to resist anything when you have been so tortured and dissociated that you remember absolutely nothing about who or where you are though. Think it might be the times we spent outside the rings when very little and all the times after that have out the barrier between me and people not the other way around.

Why pull us out, feed us up, make us feel human, loved, wanted and respected just to send us back to here to be constantly attacked. They needed our help with something which we sorted so they had no use for us anymore particularly as we have all these radical notions about human rights and stuff that don't go away after a couple of weeks of quality living, working conditions. We didn't believe we would always end up back here being raped and fried and obliterated but we knew it was possible. The ones who weren't in on it all along would sometime manage to call saying they were told we were safe and well by Brit Intel..

We usually had one thing to say to that. " how the hell could you believe them? Don't you have any Intel yourself about where I am and what goes on here." If our emotional state or mental age was capable we would add ' go see if your porn reps will tell you anything they probably won't though they will all be sex offenders and its their job to protect shit like this"

We try not to hate too much on people tweeting about how bad things are becoming because they know about some of the evil shit the establishment is doing and how toxic the media is. It's not there fault things were OK for them.

We are proud of the work we have done and the lives we saved or protected when we could and all the proper statements even if they are never used but to have achieved so little for myself..

We found a small spliff worth.. It is still our replacement for friends, work and family.

Just can't see or feel any real words or hugs coming our way soon Daddy. Wish we had found a way to never stop warring. But they will always have child abuse, the press, politicians, police, social work, public opinion, academic thought as a main weapon while we have DID and DNA. Our wars could and have improved peoples lives. The parts that just wanted a safer life, cozy with love to heal and then maybe write or study are turning cold, turning inward because of the last years. We kept them warm for so long through so much trauma designed to destroy them but we can't protect them from is the silence and distance from people they believed in. It feels like we have no choice but to completely wipe the slate clean of everything and everyone we ever fought for, all our hopes and all of the work. Impossible of course because abuser culture, networks of our rapists or have forced to work then took all credit and payment - many of them won't be wiping the slate clean.

Where then fuck am I Dad?

And beside our soul seems to be very much still with Sonny. Fuck you Todds. 

January 19, 2016

Hey. Its our shit money week so we might not be posting much. At the moment though we have a crumb left and our diazepam. The doctor said we obviously weren't abusing it we obviously failed to mention we neck what they give us evey two months in a couple of days..

We can tell by the way we are cooking and cleaning a bit more that we are growing. We have a bit more space to breath. We don't go to bed or open eyes in the morning telling ourselves that something could happen the next day there would be contact or something huge on the news that meant the networks really were permanently fucked. We had to but we dont bother so much now. We hold onto the feeling though when we can, the anything is possible in a good way hope but its a struggle. They were hitting us very hard for many years the cynicism needed to survive that doesn't leave it needs to be pushed out.

We hate it. Its what they wanted, one of their longterm objectives that they would damage us enough to kill belief we would get far away from them all and like so much else went unchallenged a lot of the time. How could we stay positive when we knew that if we didn't die, didn't end up locked up for full time rape then this what we now was the best future possible. It was designed to stop us form having much fight in the preceding years so we would end up dead or worse. We had our selective amnesia though and the friends and parts saying we wouldn't be left there by everyone for forever. That this now was the beginning of our life not the end.

We have been so broken though Dad by all the times they got our flesh, what they do to children and babies how it matter who promised it wouldn't happen again, it always would. As soon as we felt any strength to smile god forbid parent, to vaguely function the worst would start up again. Physically we have been very ruined by all that rape and pregnancies it meant we barely even heard people when they repeated or accused us of the horrific bullshit we were fighting against. Not that we don't hurt over all the opportunities lost from words or simply just the moments lost to feeling horrible because of it. They often have their people making accusations against victims that are the same abuses that the victim is surviving. The whole psychological, triggering side as well as the isolating and making survivors seem untrustworthy is a constant aspect to it all. There is some are very clever and creative thought when planning, arranging and coming up with stories depending on who is doing the scheming of course.

The only way to stay alive is to let go adults that say they are helping us when they obviously arnt and focus on our internal world only we knew how we could survive it. How they get absolutely everyone we have ever trusted even vaguely to have absolutely nothing to do with us unless ordered otherwise we don't know but its how we know to stay alive we need call on us not anyone out there. Of course peoples love and training are what made us to and we will always have that.

We have a couple of months before there will be another call about getting us into work. Being around people is very stressful we just start dissociating.

We could come up with our own therapy schedule or least good parts of it but it seems like a heartbreaking waste of time without the resources to put it into place. There are moments when we think about jotting down ideas for good habits to get into. We would like to have something we went to no more talking therapy for a while after the last one but something creative, using our hands. Everything involves travel on public transport alone and whatever we attend we will find the other people triggering, too triggering especially since we will have to find our way home alone afterwards.

We are not doing that denial anymore, blanking our reality so we could feel like it was possible that we could find someone or something to lean on or could just be fun that wouldn't land us back in the mud. Anything that might be out there that could help is not an option at the moment because we would have to travel through Fife to get to it on pain stimulating anxiety inducing public transport. In Fife, Scotland where they keep us down between "assignments", punishments and clients.. Too fucking much on my own. All of it too fucking physically painful and too fucking triggering.

Can't get away from the 'every point of contact thing' there is so little out here that might be good for us and of course the surveillance and the violent control getting to anyone and everything we came into contact with was never that challenging and we don't feel up for testing to see if its still in place as it was, by our self.

Making our shelter here more comfortable isn't being resisted like it was little bits at a time, remembering to stop before any tantrums start up. You will some of them - its not good enough, things will never be fair and others triggered from doing house work when so little.

The wee General was impressed with the kitchen and said its was beautiful. We were chuffed.

I'm not even sure if he is fed and hugged Dad or if he is fed and hugged but then handed over to baby rapists who think they will have him for decades like they have the rest of his family.

Its not over. Some people would say that but its also something that people just say, as if some invisible force is going to come down and bring all to justice but it is over for seeing him today and yesterday and many many more people and possibilities.

We dream of watching fire burn down old grand old buildings, feeling relieved. Feeling new

Lex.





January 18, 2016

As always. Xx

We get him mixed up with our best pal and in American not Canadian forces. Theres a definite association with big boats, carriers with at least one. We don't think they are both dead. We cant be certain so we have to not torture ourselves with it... Brother?

The book is Edge of the World: how the North Sea made us by Michael Pye we are into the sixth chapter now about the development of formal written law. Its still engaging us and we haven't read any kind of books in a long while browsing kindle libraries did us some damage by being punctuated with abuse porn sometimes sandwiched between survivor literature. There's has been triggers of course but that is why we wouldn't of been able to read it before. We felt the description of a Viking funeral wasn't necessary but we are familiar with how slave traders treat people so maybe it was fair enough. Much like how we prefer novels without any descriptive shagging if they must do it all we prefer historical overviews that don't go into detail 'rape and murder was involved' followed by some endnotes will do fine but something like ' extremely brutal' would be preferable. I don't need to know about gore we already know.

It didn't stop us from reading we couldn't help thinking about David Mitchell on some show saying the same thing about novels and sex and how lovely he is. We love approaches to history that can paint pictures of timescales and events and peoples that seem incomprehensible and we know the dangers of studying and writing history but we are enjoying it without our radical voices shouting down the writer before the rest of us have any idea what we read. They are usually right of course. If we are not in a place to deconstruct, to identify the what is pissing us off so much, what it is that the historian is overlooking and what privilege or bias causes it then cant go near it. We end up feeling acutely unemancipated and exposed. If we don't have an identify, a home of our own then we can't criticize or someone else's never mind reduce it to rubble with our formidable intellect, depthless historical knowledge and hypersensitivity to unexamined bias.

We know that when we find ourselves doing something like reading or colouring that we have felt too anxious and distracted to settle down to usually we will over do it and resent having to do anything else but we are mindful of that. It wasn't because we stayed up late reading that we bailed on the school run. We just couldn't do it to ourselves. We don't want to go up against all the trauma release. We will though. Today was the day they call the mkst depressing day of the year and once again he wasnt there. There is lots of good things about the school but we will have to step up if he keeps being bullied. Evil little monsters. We wish he never had to go near any school. He's not a playground scrapper he's too smart.

We are not out of the abyss but we are starting to feel like it might be possible. The wee one though Dad. How can that be "processed" into feelings that are bearable.. We need him. But we need and have always needed them all.

I'm sorry. Love you and as always hope to see you soon.

Lex
Xx

January 17, 2016

Need to know basis.

I'm alright. We just couldn't keep a hold on what happened and was happening our parts just weren't ready and couldn't see how it could was any safer. He wouldn't leave us in all that horror, take part in telling us we were something we are not, tolerate child abuse so too many peoples agendas required him to disappear.  We don't feel like dissecting it we have done enough of that in our small groups. They knew we wouldn't be able to communicate internally or externally properly and would be easily dissociated for a long time afterwards. Bastards.

He was so based in the now. He had incredible natural mindfulness. It was what we noticed. Really noticed. There was never any danger of him losing touch with what was worth fighting for. It meant he didn't need to think, wouldn't question himself when he was being subjected to all the crap. He had a core that just didn't wobble. He wasn't gonna appease them he knew too much and even when he didn't he just saw. Just saw us. We knew it possible, very possible but he never accepted it. We felt and still feel just not as acutely that if he didnt believe in us so much they wouldn't of got him. He fixed us again and again and still is because of that belief. When we couldnt be fixed he just held our broken bits and all our hopes and plans. Said it wasn't faith of course. All the violence and abuse in Skene. The fight to keep the lads mind and body as safe as possible, another product of rape pregnancy I didn't think either of us would make it. When we did I didn't think anything could kill us.

We don't feel the hate towards them that we have for so long. Blinding, searing, crippling hate. Or the fear. They are part of the grimness of our past. He's right here. Being ridiculously hopeful and positive without turning a blind eyes to what we are up against just connected to a bigger picture and confidence in his, mine and others flesh.

A lot has been done to take down the systems, the networks that took us down so much for so many years but not quite enough for us to really feel like we can come home to our flesh completely. We can only do it in tiny steps, trying to do what we can to believe it would not be easy for someone to push us back.

Saw Laura's two today. Margos house is cleared. Emotional of course seeing them. Its all so wrapped up together. The kids, the family, the rings and Tom's (?) death. Without an ID that you are or feel connected to names get so hard to keep a hold of.

He'd like that we were reading and got the book the chapter was from to read more of. It's about the early history of books, writing and reading. It really got us excited again like so much did in Uni lectures. We just spent ages looking at cultural history books not feeling like everything was out of permanent reach, too triggered by the traumas that were going on when we were at uni and the all the don't study don't think don't read tortures and abuse since. We know it will be a relief to you to that we are interested in history and ideas again Dad and you and others would remind us to go easy. The cultural history of sex and violence can wait. Irish scribes writing about being cold or wishing they had some vino we handled! It amazes us the distances people travel.

He wouldn't of been an idiot to get caught out by those twisted fuckers would he Dad? He said he bloody wouldn't. We were being programmed to believe they were going to kill him anyway so it wouldn't be difficult to fake. Leaving us in this shit is better than dying he said he could make it if we believed in him and trusted him and we did and do. So its not impossible. Yes we know we have to stop hating the not knowing its a trick..

Love you.

Lex. Xxx

January 15, 2016

Tomorrow

Hi Dad,

Hope your alive and OK. We are not too bad, we seem to be calming down a bit. The present is slightly less of an awful place to be now that accepting the here and now is not the same as tolerating the domestic abuse and organised crime that wants us compliant or dead as all we will ever know. How Lynne's oldest treated Pablo when we were up there has been on our mind a lot today and yesterday. Seven or eight years old and saying she wished the lad was dead at the dinner table, the way he was sobbing one time when we came downstairs and Margo wouldn't tell me what she had done to him, her hate to us was so palpable but to project that onto to baby and for that to be more or less tolerated. After Laura's died and her daughter was really struggling she told me she didn't wish I was dead like Lynne's oldest and others were saying.

Neglected, abused, groomed bairns. Family, police, social workers all involved in it, the murders and the cover ups.

So scared for them but we need to stop being crippled because we couldn't and can't keep them safe. It fills us with hate that so many people could be involved and let bairns be forced into DID decade after decade with no help, no safe places.

We need to love the one we have but me and lad need so much more than just being left to still be bullied but not physically attacked, for now.

Possibly stupidly wandered back into Twitter. Saw a quote about people without hope not being able to read nevermind  write novels. Christ aint that the truth. The lad once me to start reading the box set of dragon books but reading still makes us feel so isolated and so much less than second class. We think about trying to detangle it, there are books out there that wouldn't just piss us off (surely) but we just get flashbacks and dissociated which makes us so angry that people would deliberately do that to us and because we are still not strong enough to power through.

Breathe and flicker. That's what you would say isn't it? Just be. Its not up to Lynne if we have a home with locks on the door and we do believe we have enough support at least that people will get involved if they are planning on getting at me or the lad badly again. Badly. Its better than nothing but they have gotten a lot of what they wanted and that feels like the real reason for the quietness rather than all the statements, the working, talking, recording, organising, researching etc that we did.

After 30 years of being trafficked and 20 + of being bred there is little room left to feel anything. You either end up as walking dead or stuck as a needy kid. I know you would agree that we did the right choice when we opted for needy kid even if it makes everything always so difficult, scary and painful when we are not being contacted by anyone who actually knows something about us. Did we ever feel safe with anyone? Were we ever safe we have memories where it seems like that's what's was going on but they seem so unreal.

A moment at a time. Don't go on Twitter too much its choca with people pointing at evil doings and not actually challenging anything and people taking about their lives which we were disqualified from having since arrival as a small pink needy thing. As for bastards and their depression recoveries - fuck off. Bastards.

Isn't it amazing what a person can do if they have people to help and support them?!

Tell me this isn't it Dad. Tell me the kids will be found good homes. That they arnt all going to grow up being sold and manipulated so they can't love and can't grow. Tell me I'm going to live somewhere that isn't trigger saturated. That Sonny will know is nice mum again. That they will get find out who they are and not spend their whole lives under the all pervasive  rapist hegemony.

We have a phone interview with job centre tomorrow, to tell us what support is available to get us into employment. Hopefully when we say what happened recently it will be OK. Any contact with DWP or NHS is unpleasant, we take it so personally and even if we do say  "I wasn't born on 26/02/79. I am not related to M & B Johnston and those are not my medical records" its not going to change anything. The records are the records - they say who we are, not us.

Anyway. If you are breathing keep it up and we will try and do same. Plz phone or something..

Need hugs.

Your Lexi.

January 12, 2016

They would just grow up and leave me anyway.

.. missing the kids today. Heart broken. Wish we could of been there for them more but we think that about all the kids we come into contact with that are having their development messed with severely. I don't know what is going to happen to them I just hope they don't get filled with any more hate or damaged any more than they already have but I can't see how they can be safe or loved enough up there. I hope they are taken away from them we really do and adopted by a family that will look after them properly, giving them all the attention and care and encouragement and teach them love and patience and you know, castles in the sky. 

We don't believe it will be as bad as it has been a lot during their lives as well as ours though. The networks arnt what they were even if Lynne is the same and the rest of the family is still generally useless at best which is terrifying. We have said to her many times and we don't mean it any less now that Margo's battered heart finally gave out she won't be taking us out. We've thanked her for being consistently evil to us as well as we know that if she wants to see us or starts being nice something fucking awful is planned.

I could see Margo's fear over what Lynne was capable of towards me and the bairns more after she knew her health was bad. Maybe its always been there we just didn't see it much before to racked with our own fear. We have noticed her fear for Uncle Billy before though as a child. She called them both bullies some times. The death sentence made her drop her front and it surprised us to see her drop the bullshit. We called it a personality transformation. That was back when we were in Dundee and as we were able to we told her we were fighting for our own life because of external issues and would not be able to remember much for a while including what we knew about her heart. She did her usual make light of something terrible thing but this time it was fine. It felt like the first real conversation we have ever had.

It was a big part of what motivated us to cause lots of trouble by telling Lynne in front of the kids that as we didn't have a good relationship and she had a negative effect on our fragile health she couldn't use our flat as a public toilet on her way to Fife to see mum. We knew she would punish mum for it by not taking kids down anymore and we told her we were sorry but we were effected by the diagnosis to and did not want our lad near Lynne we hated the way she was with him. He isnt going to grow up thinking the way Lynne treats me and Margo is acceptable. She was ok about it. She seemed to really here that we were sticking up for her to.

Its part of the promise that we don't let Lynne or people who tolerate her abuse near us after Margo died. No more. Not Pabs. Think seeing her be so human those times when we knew she was dieing and wasn't taking steps to prolong it we felt like we had no option but to keep our distance. It was another reason to keep our distance.

It's good that Margo is out of the torture and the exhaustion and misogyny and the silence and what that does to people over the years and decades. Away from her brother and Lynne and all the people like them. She was only 64 or something like that it shocked us that she was ready to give up on living so quick but then we thought about another 30 years of the way we have been treated. We thought about her family and how little use I would be and we understood. We hated it but we understood.

Guess we better think about smoking at some point. We want to be travelling through our 60s, 70s...

January 11, 2016

RIP Margo

We have moved out of the place we have been in where we barely saw Margo as human. We were in no place to shoulder it when she told us she didn't have all that long and she wanted to spend as much of that time with the bairns as possible. That's why she didn't want the kids going up the road or even with me and no she hasn't told anyone else how bad it was. Whenever she tried people wouldn't get how serious it was. Lynne said she was making it up or exaggerating because she is a hateful murderous cow who will never hate any man no matter what he does like she can hate a woman.

Especially her mother after she saw there actually was times when Margo would defend us and others from her.  I think we said we would probably of been more use to her if she hadn't told us. We had a couple of real conversations before we went back to the dance of either one or both of us not being there. She apologized later when we said did she realise how it hard it was going to be for us and our attachment to the kids, we wouldn't be able to look after the three of them without her and without support from rest of family. She snapped when we raised it then said she realised we had a point after.

Conversations get mixed up but I think it was after a trip to Aberdeen that must of been particularly horrible. When she had tried to get Lynne to take the kids down more often and had tried to tell her again how bad her heart was and Lynne had said something fucking horrific that her mum wouldn't repeat. When she had been shocked at how much the oldest was emulating her mum and how much she hated it that she asked us to reassure her that we would not be trying to be sisters after her death. Of all gifts for an after I'm dead wish. We said she had no need worry about that nor need she worry about us lifting a finger to help with the house. Gallows humour is her comfort zone and we had not been ready to join her there on this particular issue until that point.

Her brother and Lynne have always been so close.  Both me and Laura had been on the end of a bunch of hurt and rudeness the times he talked to us thinking we were her over many years. His face lights up when her name is mentioned its vomit inducing. He's a horror story to. Obvs.

We got Pabs to carry up a bag of food and had the chilli that was in the freezer tonight. We have always hated her chilli she doesn't do spicy so its out a packet and minging but we went out to shop again to buy wine as she wouldn't eat red meat without it and ate what we could.

January 09, 2016

Just try to be. Again.

Focusing on small manageable things that what helps isn't it? Will go and buy bin liners tomorrow and clean out the kitchen. Make sure school stuff is organised. Stop to breathe, start hesitantly using relaxation techniques again. The migraine the other night reminded us that they are useful. We have felt so lost for so long its scary trying to find ourself again because when we do we are going to have to face all the losses again and how intentional it all is.

It was so good to see the girls again but not any easier to see their mother.  She represents so many kinds of violence and the ways it is tolerated and accepted to us. But as we can't be forced to accept Margo as a mother anymore PsychoSis and all the rings she is happy to hand me and mine over to feel that bit further away. Heart over the kids of course. So much wishing we could change our own and their past and make our presents and futures less uncertain, less risky and with more love.

There is still lots to do at the house. We are not going to be contributing any effort to that. What can they do? Not talk to us? Not support us? Make it difficult for us to see the kids? Make us feel unsafe and unwanted? Withdraw finical support? Stop being a positive part of our children's lives?  ...

The idea of us exhausting and triggering ourselves beyond the shit storm we are always already in for Lynny and Billy or our 'dad' is kinda funny to some of us..

We have to find a way to feel our own skin and environment is something we can live in, be in even if we can only be where we are long enough to get elsewhere. Sorting through Margo's house when we are still living with many of Laura's possessions is just not something we feel will be helpful to us at this time.  We understand there is much more and easier communication between them than with us so it will be easier for everyone if we leave them to it.

Just try and gently reintroduce some mindfullness. We can have thoughts about people, places and parts of ourself we miss without it always being overwhelming. Daddy. Blonde husband. Kids.
...

January 02, 2016

Daddy!

Daddy,

Well the fuck this paying 10 a 'gram' for bloody leaf I will just go without didn't last long. We got another 3 this now. Its not quite as leafy but it is a bit soggy. Today hasn't been too bad. Gran P must still be in hospital because she hasn't phoned. We feel for her and her failing health but we can't invent family feelings we can't stop being scared of what they are capable of and what they can tolerate. We have no idea who she is or if she cares about us. Sometimes when she phoned and Margo would say it to there's a slight suspicion that she is exaggerating. We kept getting Tony Soprano's mother flashbacks when we talked to her. Not sure who that says more about though..

Programmed or not we don't stop screaming internally that we are not safe and no child is safe around them. That hold Margo had on us, there was the badly tapped on front of some kind of daughterly duty but behind that is the very deep fear and awareness of the consequences for refusing to play the role. The wall of solid ice we would hit whenever we tried, begged to try and reach her. There was no one there. Not for us any of us anyway.

The silence that all the years of being with them has caused in us has been as damaging at times as the punishment for refusing. No matter what we do we end up devastated. Its what we are that's the problem regardless of what we do. You understand that. You must be so scared for us. I hope you are doing stuff I know we used to pressure you a fair bit especially when little to take or not take drugs and do more or less or different stuff. We wish you were able to get us back for all that. We know you have had to a bit but we want and need more. The dislocation and sense of not belonging at all is compounded when we can't do stuff or talk to real people.

Today we have letting ourselves feel a bit of relief and joy that we won't be triggered by Margo any more. Its not like we didn't weep for her when she was alive at the way she was treated by her family and all those outside forces. We have wept for them all. You can't stop feeling something so intensely if you never admit the feeling properly.

The sense that we should, need to do more for the funeral for her mum is fading. The only people we have ever felt any responsibility to is the kids. We don't want to go to the tea and sausage roll bit afterwards we want to walk off into the sunset except it won't be a sunset it will be Kirkcaldy in early January so we are probs best to hang around trying to make the odd sane sounding noise and wait for our ride.

We are already itching to delete our Facebook account. No more shots of ignorant motherfukers and their happy productive family lives. It was never used for the reason we set it up for anyway. Even the fucking logo taunts us 'fuck you Quine you sacrificed yourself because thought we were better people than we are and you were in a position to try and stop suffering and you feel for people while we took what we could get from you leaving you exhausted then went of with your abusers while you and your bairns are raped, enslaved and slaughtered as we pretend to care deeply about any other humanitarian issue that can fit smugly into a meme' ...

Memes or those picture with a written message on them that make up heaps of social media posts.

Keep breathing I know. Try to be whenever possible. So much is over. But we never doubted we could survive this far. We also never really believed that we could be kept safe until now either.

..

So hey. Fuck knows.

Love you.
Lexis

January 01, 2016

Dear Dad

Dear Dad,

Words, sentences, ideas, vision seem like they are things that other people can do. Something other people did using parts of us not things we could use, create and build ourselves.  Its not like we are physically separated or prevented from accessing words. There's a book case a few feet away and one in the living room with poetry and other stuff we can't bring ourselves to look at. We associate books too much with lies and respectable fronts.

We hate all this not knowing and knowing. What we have and what we get feels so real but nothing is ever enough to lift the sense of missingness. From this place looking back all that feels like me is all the sadness and aloneness and being cornered when weak.

We keep forgetting. We can we do with our time before the funeral. In the way back from the shop the other day there was a moment when we held hands on the crossing that made us feel less alienated from the big lad now that Margo has gone. We are so far from knowing how badly he's had it we keep remembering rapes in Fintry but all those times when we weren't there or couldn't say no when she asked to take him. Won't be calling him 'wee man' anymore coz the programming us slipped to much to keep the name 'Sonny' internally anymore. What a mess Dad. All too painful. He's amazing though they all are. So hard not to feel alive again around him. He's been here the whole time and we can't and won't let him go either. Even though we are sure of nothing. We are still sure of his little body needing us and us and the big lad needing him. We have barely noticed lots of the other bullshit and horrors that have been going on. Until they started talking about him.

What are you supposed to do when you have had all this deliberately done to you? You can't relate to people.. We can kind of hear your voice. We need you so much.

The brisket was/is highly edible. The whole festive cooking thing went down better than last year when the whole cooking for two thing just made it horrible. Only one frozen tattie was bounced off the worktop in heart break this afternoon which is pretty good. The big lad got the Wii U he has been after for years thanks to the Royal appointed secret Santa so he's been busy. We watched Home today and Inside Out yesterday. Loved it. Him to.

You were always good at getting us to calm down even when you didn't know it. We are scared about the family being around for the funeral. Especially as you don't need high level clearance to be aware that we are bit freer and generally so far that has meant something or someone will be stepping in.

We won't be alone. Of course. And a much better future isn't impossible.
Love you and think of me more and louder.
ffs.
Alexis