February 29, 2016

Course i cant trust ma therapist dad you do know im still a slave yeah?

We do try and write for other people its not like we arnt thinking about them. You. But we are just to little and want our Daddy. We cant remember much Mummies, beyond the ones mentioned and a few others, like Leigh. Its Daddy we have always missed the most until we found out how it feels to miss your own babies when you know they are not loved and safe. It made us wonder how he survived what they did to us.

We staying little. One of those oh we are taking a day off days and that's fine. This is a crying all the time little state so we gonna try hold on to it. I don't know how long she was seeing Elaine for. I think but in don't know cause we were awful state during the last phone call that she said she wasn't going to stop supporting Elaine when we cried because she is sounded so much like her and that's soo triggering of course. Trying victims that they are supporting their abusers, not even attempting a safe space. We worried a lot about shrinks safety with all the ring scum she was supporting and that is defo the word she would use 'supporting' told her not to leave something she was drinking unattended with Elaine in the room. We worried cause she was never going to be able to help us even a little bit if she is engaged with all the lies the abusers telling us. But she made so much sense sometimes!!

Pfft. All done for us now. No being more being so raped we drinking with people who hurt all our babies. Or seeing therapists we know are all groomed and programmed to hurt us and keep us isolated. Elaine and abusers like that they not going to shrinks to get help. Shrink so threatened got career, friends, car, nice house she got stuff to loose. We don't our "no option" it's really different? Why could she not say she couldn't talk about other clients. Why she say she stop seeing Anthony and tell other shrinks not to see him but make commitments to Elaine. She the victim coz she female? Stoopid shrink.

I got doctors appointment so gotta leave meeting after half an hour. We don't but that's what we gotta say at meeting with school tomorrow. Otherwise it will go on and on and we will be disappearing and screaming inside. This ridiculous Daddy.

OK little not distraught little. We OK. Not forever either. Sigh. Love you love you love you..
Xxx

February 28, 2016

Victory over the towels at last.

I'm actually feeling OK. We wanted to tell you because we know mostly we are not and really far from it. Have started sending him to his room an hour early on Sundays to give us back the time taken off us on Saturdays.. Makes a big deference for a little thing. An hour more of having no screen related dramas. He told me I always do that when we said he couldn't watch until the end of the video. We never do that except before school. Forced him outside into the garden for a little while to pick weeds and to ease our conscience over all the time he spends indoors. He often gets into whatever it is when we force him to do something after the denial and the bargaining. He said at tea he wanted to be sciencey witch. He was thinking Minecraft potions but we loved it anyway.  You can see he likes being helpful. He made himself weetabix for supper then put the bowl next to the sink (space there makes it easier for him of course) and he objected when we took the bin in after saying it was his job..

Actually doing a better job of going through all the remaining small stuff. Lessons from Hoarders. There are two of us. We don't need so many towels. More towels mean more washing things to lie on the floor chuck them out and admit it when they are trigger soaked. Always admit we cant replace fucking everything yesterday. The knowing but not knowing is not like it has been. We hear and see ourself and others crying in such horrific conditions. Its our body. Its good that its not in that much danger or pain where we can do that. Its not doing it because of ongoing rape and all sorts of other abuse like it was in Dundee.

God we need to mostly stay off twitter. People are unsatisfactory. They really are. Its good that they don't any idea where we are coming from of course. We need to be building bridges internally not reminding ourself that most peoples writing fades out and back into a big wall that we arnt allowed on the other side of because we are who we are. Bloody grammar excludes us. Its shit. I'm not a she. I'm not a he. I am a We.

Fucks sake we were all positive cause we did lots of different little things including napping! And eating. Twice! Not including the hobnob.

Appointments this week and next I guess they will be whatever they will be. Hope the momentum doesn't collapse as it often does particularly of course if we badly over do it. We are kind of confident in a sleepy kind of way. Yeah we will remember our meds and inhaler.
Xxx

I dont need to know its 6 am child.

The bunk bed has to go its really unsafe, it was put together by Laura in a state someone's husband fixed it enough that it hasn't caused any deaths or injuries so far, dude has never liked it and I need to move it to paint anyway. We have no doubt it we will be fabulous once its finished but there is already so much tears and exhaustion. True, once all the furniture is out and we can actually beautify it will be much more fun than it is at the moment. Which involves a lot of standing and staring at things that need to be done and fearing how much how it will physically take from us to do it.

All those big bits of wood will have to be unscrewed from all those other bits of wood and taken to the curd along with one of the mattresses and various other bits of furniture. New stuff has to be bought. The house needs to run and his basic needs need to met while all this and the sorting of the room is going on when its not exactly something we already have the hang of.

Time management, motivation, organising all the domestic stuff & keeping it clean, impulse control, regular eating, taking meds properly, self care it's all a fucking struggle all the fucking time. Today we have moved furniture from the front door to the shed, scrubbed down some of the grim, made the emotional breakthrough in regards to the awful bunkbeds (they in that room like that are in horrifically applauding footage & abusers are free), we are in habit now of washing a few dishes or clothes whenever we make cups of tea so a bit of that to and have eaten one chocolate hobnob and are breaking our heart at how exhausted we feel so often..

We are doing really well you would say. We always needed you to believe this isn't forever when we can't like we believed when you couldn't. It feels like its forever that's part of it. Look at the change that has already happened and don't own the hopelessness.

How do we get ourself to look after ourself and dude properly we don't know anything about this sort of life. Its never what we had. Its so difficult to maintain a sense of the real connections with people. Its not forever. How could it be? And people are working out there to stop this. We have achieved amazing things and will do again. Like sorting the room out like we sorted out this room 99% by our self. Obviously the furniture to curb bit is going to require physical assistance from humans/s but the delivery boy would help if he can as would the lass across the road.

The whole thing with every child they took away from us being a part of is so real daddy. You know.

Lex xx
And Julia if you need to know she's here she still doesn't really think of herself as a person with a name though. We think we have made progress but she has just made us help another one us which isnt wrong its just that we really need her to feel less alone and she can't because we are.
It was hard for you and others to get some of us to say that you love us, me and she was created and kept so far from you and everyone who is good for us. Godam shrink falling for abuse ring bullshit the difference she could of made to us in those early months by giving us so little more.

Total surveillance, maximum violence, total control. :-(

OK we will try and eat another hobnob and make more tea and maybe nap and definitely not get out the Allen keys and start on the big heavy wooden bunk bed.

Not forever.

February 26, 2016

Home, home, home.

Hi Daddy,

Its gone not too bad today. Got the lad in. As we often do we stay in bed and go back to bed for as long as possible before we have to leave. We are not quite has horrible because of the depression in the morning but we still get pretty nasty. The nights before arent good we are anxious, weepy and irritable. Made the full week. With only one significant lateness because waking up is so horrible that we are still often crying as soon as we get up and try to do anything. If we decide he will be a bit late we can drink tea and smoke until it settles enough so we can take him in then come home to cry some more.

When we got in today we watched some Frasier, probably went on twitter and got triggered. We have lost any tolerance for bias and binaries so the telly and twitter are out for any other than blasts of something we already know and know what to prepare for.. We would love to get wrapped up in something but we just can't find a way in. Brooklyn 99 is quite fabulous but its half our shows and we are up to date so what fucking use is that? We did get off the couch and start emptying dude's room. There was a fair bit of heavy lifting and when we got hungry after the school run we made food and then ate the food. Bacon tomato pasta. Third day of pasta based meal. Will need something alternative tomorrow. Possible curry we have a few pastes that need something else but they are always tasty and the boy eats them we still put butter in his rice to make sure though.

Gave most of the money left away for more hash. We were hardly going to say no.  When we were vacuuming up cat hair we caught ourself thinking I'm fine, see we are doing housework so we must be OK and maybe we don't need antidepressants. We just need to keep busy.. We will go back on them. It's the gabapentin that's getting us functioning and only sometimes. Its not something we thought at any point yesterday. When we are really struggling and he's nattering and nattering away and we can't keep up with any of it we feel so guilty form wishing he would shush or just talk slower. Particularly when its on the walk to and from school and there are lots of people and kids and traffic and its cold and we don't feel safe. Its horribly overwhelming.

We get so pissed that everything comes down to us. He does get into the habit of doing stuff for himself but he's eight so there is going to be battles. He will heat up our hot thing for us and that is very much appreciated.

Going through all the unwrapping memories is too much on our own. How could we of survived it all? How can we possibly survive the remembering on our own and not just end up splitting again? How can the rest of us start again?

Miss everyone Dad. I'm sorry we never sound much happier. We are homemaking here whilst hoping for change and that is much better than just constantly feeling that we couldn't cope with us never mind childcare and moving furniture. We feel closer to you and are remembering bits about the loon. Daniel. Don't stop holding our hand. Not ever.

Gotta drink a toast to our departed mutual friend. Scania. Not insignificant. But it is under the insult to injury that are British Inquires. Your not gonna be seeing his mug and his arms round so many folk over there. You have Trump. Lol. Sorry.. How can all this actually be maintained going forward system is so fucked. I don't even want to watch the infighting and the collapses it all represents too much starvation and rape we just want out. Away far far away. You would say we can't of course but you would understand where its coming from. I hate this. All memories, everything we have every been known and done gets blocked out by their limp and going cold little bodies the looks on the faces of the murders and the noises. Where do we take this? How do ever feel ok and not scared of all people?

We love. You love us. There is not one of us that ever believed or trusted any bloke that ever stole from you. And the parts of us that were slow in seeing or believing it was possible that you could feel the same about us are sorry.

It is occurring we can let our accents slip and slide a bit more. When we are feeling brave.

ASAP

February 25, 2016

30

Its done. After a year and half we have applied for his free school meals. We couldn't do it last summer. Couldn't do very much last summer when it came to building a life here and not much better now. An online form we won't need to hand in evidence anymore the check their own files to see that your are receiving benefits. So much anxiety over it. We have paid the £1.90 everyday he went in rather than deal with.

Are they really going to take 30 a week of us. The disgusting inhuman filth. It reinforces the message that we shouldn't have any kind comfort. That's for proper people who do what they are told are just lie all the time. We were unrealistic to think that Margo's mum wouldn't said us a happy birthday granddaughter card, with yes you know how much in it - 30.. Her son phoned twice today once to ask for the house number to deliver the card and again to say she has moved homes to a permanent one. Tonnes of anxiety and tears over what all that brought up. We were curt. Even if all the memories we have of him being significant in the abuse are manipulated or false there is nothing positive to be gained from speaking to him.

I'm not Louise. They took her away.

We will write a thank you note Gran maybe if we can manage that. We don't see us going in to see her though. It will not help our health. We really just don't know how to be. We have been triggering ourself intentionally by watching Hoarders to remind ourself of some of the conditions we have been kept in we can't hold both worlds in mind. We don't believe the memories we have of us spending happy normal times when grandparents there is to much weirdness and lies around it all.

The commitment to get him into school more has so fucked with our sleep. Which fucks with everything else. We don't want to loose him to Scottish fiction and we know its just the PTSD and the depression taking when we feel we already have. We have lost so much time but the more we really engage in being a parent the more we feel the loss of all the others. And just want all the ones that wouldn't be violent here now even though we know thats impossible. Some are still small. Some are older and really good at looking after me. We learned how to look after each other as siblings during the times they left us alone. We learned what each and other and each others parts needed and when they have us apart its each other that we need most.

We binned the your a wonderful granddaughter birthday card. We don't want the lad seeing it. The rest of the family haven't sent anything in years so we are grateful for that.

February 24, 2016

ShittyShrink

We talked about them with Dr Jacqui, told her how he was the only warmth and then he went cold to. Told her that because we didn't want to forget it all we would repeat anything we managed to form in our head over and over, it's used in programming when they want you to remember something completely out of context. We were worried that because we might of repeated the same word or phrases about the baby being the only warmth it made it less believable. She reassured us on that. We were seeing a man taking a baby out of arms when we couldn't do anything but pretend to be a asleep he suffocated her and then put her back in our arms. The ring members would then punish us for the death of the baby. Not that we noticed. We wouldnt be able to stop thinking about the baby and how there was nothing these people couldnt do to another. Of course our eyes were closed the second time after we woke up and sat up said something like "No" the first time.

We were going to try and tell her some of this but she asked us about the babies crying and if we had to keep them quiet. Her eyes were accusing and steely she said much later she had no idea how much she had failed to hide her feelings. She certainly isnt the first person or therapist who has said that to us. Your all obvious to us people. She says she worked with male offenders in prisons we wondered if she looked at them like that. We couldn't let the littles look into her eyes when she does that. We were going to try and push something verbal out but we were shocked by a brief flashback. We has to hide from her further and knew better tell her what just happened because she would be assuming we were getting flashbacks of us silencing a baby in some horrific way. It was Bill. In one of his nastiest states. He had work in the morning. He generally doesn't have any patience for registered bairns what like most folk he is worse to the unregistered. He stormed in. We couldn't stop the baby crying. He snapped her neck and handed him back.

There was so much of that handing the limp and wasted body back to whoever tried to protect her.

We made sure we wouldn't let it go. We ran it over and over in our head until it was possible to know it and whatever was going on around us, to us in the present until the horror and brokenness turned to rage.

Back in therapy we think it was maybe one of the moments when she started to move away from thinking of as an a abuser. Started questioning what other clients and police were telling her. We don't know if what was of those moments when one of our grown ups came out and told her to back the fuck down stop triggering our littles, start acting like a professional who doesn't share what clients say with other clients and keep her preconditions out of the "safe" space.  We carved out safe corners like when we out and little and got her to read 'oh the places you will go' and other times but it was no safe space. They got there before us. Gabe was already in there, ever word worked out by ring members and handed over to him and his addictions for heroin and child rape. The room smelling of him when he had been part of the gang terrorising and torturing me and the lad in the flat. We sent him away at times it was that bad. Everything so shut down we here still have no idea where to.

She did seem genuinely concerned that she had been the final for us dispute our determination not to abandon the bairn the rings which is sure to happen if we died but are not completely convinced that it was just self interest.

February 23, 2016

Not here forever.

The family photos from the eighties. There was always spooks around with equipment and authority. Bullying the adults. Treating all the children like objects to placed, moved around and manipulated. The hate for us seemed to be worse. They looked right at us with it pouring out of there eyes when other kids presence was only even recognised when necessary. The verbal and physical abuse from them was worse to. Everyone else usually just looked away. Are we remembering Bills dad getting out of his seat and trying to stop it. Shouting at them and trying to physically protect us. Not for long of course they just took him down, another time when they organised it better and tried to attack them together? Had they been told to do it by another bunch of abusers who may or may not of been working with the first.

They didn't want us being able to identify each other. They wanted us to never know is when we had dissociated out of our skin and was watching from the other side of the room or if we were standing at side of the room usually with someone keeping us there watching another child being raped. It didn't matter, we would be told if we ever had the wherewithal to ask any questions it was all the same and didn't matter who was who. We were who the told us to be.

God we are so tired. Couldn't sleep last night did some house work. It figures that now we are up for getting the house sorted now that there really is no one to help us get stuff to the dump. Feel to worn out for the lad and making his tea now but we have got some good work done in this room today and yesterday. In between episodes of Hoarders to keep us motivated.

Its a very weepy tiredness. We have ordered pizza. It seemed the sensible thing to do.

Tomorrow we may go to the council offices to sort out free school meals and get the lad a new giant coz the new one we just got him isn't bed enough and its ripped at the armpit. Massively. After taking weeks to arrive. We did locate forms we think we might need. :-/

1985

We were in that house where his cousins probably still are unless their grandad has sorted something out for their Dad. We had a new born and were nursing. They starved us. So we would be forced to stop feeding him to try and save ourself. He was only warmth for us that was getting anywhere near us but he went cold to. We were 9 or 10. We don't know if it happened more than once. The nineties were a very bad time.

February 21, 2016

Absolutely we can process the hell out of this.

There's not mum & dad there are mothers and fathers the education and the love is amazing and no BS so they were very serious.
Then there's hell and trafficking and running away and then Italy for a while but trouble is never far.
Is it through that US agencies become involved. Some time in states with us shouting at them and them scrabbling around not knowing what the fuck to do. Were dummies reintroduced? They got DID ppl in?

Bad states find out. Hell. Trafficked.
Scotland. Getting out for a while. Wars and stuff, touring but always back here one way or another and then trafficked.
Hormone injections and pregnancies. Trafficked. Fighting. Til now.

Are vaguely getting there?

1985

Not sure how far with got with this before. Don't know if we even attempt to allude to it in anyway here before. It might of been in one of the posts we deleted before publishing because we couldn't take the punishment. Maybe we have written about it here before things got really bad again and it was one of the excuses given.

1985.

As in that's the year the flesh was born.

More or less believe we were born from a human woman and not decanted. There are some excellent stories in there but so much of it feels to life affirming to be the truth.

1985. Just feels to awful to not be the truth.

What's the protocol for this again? Just let it sit with us. Don't have to fight of memories from a life born much earlier. We know that's what they did. Do.

Different trying to get your head around it happening to you. 198 fucking 5. As with everything else if its a pink screaming fact or the history of a part that we have to bring to the front for a while to untangle letting ourself consciously let it lie around is going to bring stuff up. Nothing feels distant like it used to except the bullshit.  The good stuff still doesn't feel very real though. Of course it doesn't its not being triggered.  Feels like a dangerous place to be a no mans land between dissociation and amnesia of survival and something else, something better surely. Something completely impossible to imagine or remember when your swimming in a crater next to what may be the remains of a dear friend.

Protocol.

1985.

Bastards.

February 19, 2016

Breathe

Breathe in confidence in ourself and our completeness.
Breathe out how it feels to be a child that is locked up for constant abuse.

Breathe in the love we have known in seconds that washed away months of horror.
Breathe out having made up to hurt us medical records that say we are years older and than we are.

Breathe in each tiny and huge step away from torture.
Breathe out believing its all we will know now.

In and out of triggered states and tears lots today but there has been moments that were brighter like when our period started and hormones shifted. Played lots of SuperMario. We woke up junior after we turned off the alarm clock that makes nature and other relaxing sounds at an ear splitting volume and neither of us even know if its even possible to turn it down. We were awake anyway because we drank too much red wine the night before and couldn't sleep. He came in to out bed and we felt so cosy with him there and so awful at thoughts of taking him to school and not taking him to school until we switched off and dozed for a while. He never went in.

All the years of knowing we couldn't stay where we were and couldn't get out either are pounding down on us.  We have made an appointment to see the GP we think was quite good and will be asking to be put on antidepressants. Its not until a week on Monday. We might start emailing others therapists to maybe go and see once we are back on the pills.

We could of handled the single parent on benefits thing but there was never any plans to just leave us be, we could be doing so much better by junior but they had to have more, had to take more had to make sure that we didn't feel safe not for a second. Stupid & ugly & pathetic. Its hard to comfort ourself with the fact that we are not abusers when they are everywhere and well placed.

Not in this house though, unless we turn on twitter or the TV of course but they are relativity easy to turn off. Ns not coming back and we don't feel they need to try and prove any points with him we just arnt tough enough to be around people who respond to us the way he does. The family have died or are estranged and the denial dams are leaking, cracking or collapsed. Of course we feel like we are drowning. There are already signs that we are starting to pick ourself up from recent traumas in terms of how much house work gets done or that we have been using relaxation apps.

He's here. The rest arnt. We wouldn't be betraying them if we felt better but how do we process it all without even a shoulder to lean on.

"We will be fighting for you"

We can only do the best we can even if it isn't enough until we can do better.

February 18, 2016

Would tell you to fuck off for leaving us in all in this shit but we cant coz your not here.

We can't take Superboy to school today. We can't manage it he's playing pikmin and telling us lots and lots about it. We can't manage all the memories and doing all the stuff parents are supposed to do. We thinking about all the reasons why it's so hard getting him to school to try and see what we can do something about - ALL our other children were killed or taken away, schools arnt safe is people are determined to make them not so, Dundee - abusers threatening us for putting him in and for not putting him in, abusers trying to take him from school and us being told to not pick him up, all the hate & prejudices kids pick up in schools, us feeling to little to deal with anything small or life threatening that might come up, the way his cousin attacked him, the fact that police have been involved in raping me and him and keeping us in danger.

That and our experiences of primary school teachers involved with the rings and attacks from and between other kids are all lots to cause anxiety when we are already down.

N triggers but it was it was particularly bad this time, the area, the school, the kids, the crowds, the being alone in the outside world in this state with sole responsibility for a child all trigger.

Its February.

We are not in therapy or on antidepressants but would like to be.

Don't tell us we are not alone.

February 16, 2016

The perfect time to binge on other people unloading all their garbage

He's gone. We don't see us agreeing to him coming back. We did think about not phoning him when Margo died but we knew he would get in touch sooner or later and we would have to tell him and he would company for the lad and practical help for us but that's always been undermined because his refusal to recognise how abusive the family is. We don't want to spend any longer telling parts of us that 'he's not that bad' to try and calm their fears at the same time as having to rile up others because we feel intimated by how confident he seems to be when he dismisses our experiences, our existence.

It was when he brought up that the lad had been asking about getting in touch with his cousins, when he wanted to know more about who knew what about Margos heart and the instantly defending Margo's brother over making a complaint that the triggers starting getting particularly unbearable.

Talked a bit this evening with the lad about why we don't want to make more effort to find a number that someone up their will answer so he can talk to his wee cousins. He seemed to respond to us saying we need a new start. We also talked about it not working if we are only ones making and effort to stay in touch, talked about the adults being not safe for us to be around used those words as we have often. "Not our family" because there is not enough love and respect and safety was also said again and that of course that we wished we could keep in touch with the kids but its just not possible but that he will see them again although we are not so sure. Mummy's health takes a nose dive around adults who have hurt and let others hurt her. We didn't say that but not all that far from it either.

Said the same to N to but much more dissociated just like we did when they had us in that forced front relationship in the late nineties but he knows nothing about any of all that and certainly would remember if it were true.. My life cant begin when we are still in contact with them. Obviously we haven't mentioned to the lad that he's lost N to. We know its possible for us to spend time with people without ending up all broken and even if we never get near any of them again we would rather the brain splitting loneliness than the soul splitting horror of someone saying they are your friend while siding with your abusers and you're children's abusers.

Been watching a lot of hoarders..

February 11, 2016

Just

We read that smoking makes cats twice as likely to get cancer and feel like breaking down because we are killing the few living creatures we have left. We can't see any replacement crutches though. None that we can reach and we are on our arse enough as it is.

Pain is nasty recently. There's no moving forward and getting bits and pieces done anymore.  Its February though. Never a time to be punishing ourself.  Just make more tea, take the rubbish out if possible and go back to bed. Buying new bedding was something we did not long after Margo died. It seemed connected in someway. She was in her bed when we found her, teeth all disjointed from the last struggle we guess and the scene hung over us maybe the new duvet, duvet cover and pillows are partly us trying to shake that off. One of the first things we remember thinking was how we couldn't deal another death and needed a break.

We can't get away so a comfier bed will have to do. We put the duvet that its too high a tog for our indoor sleeping temp underneath and the new one with the vintage pink cover on top. We are sleeping, weeping and hurting between two layers of down. There's triggers of course in material comfort but thats been pushed as an excuse to deny needs and wants. Its positive we are doing more work on that guilt some of us feel that every second we spend not naked and starving we are taking from someone else, someone worthier, humaner.

This flesh doesn't deserve anything but nakedness, coldness, hunger and rape. We don't now how many months or years when its added together that we spent locked up in rooms or houses in conditions like that. Or how to see never mind address what that has done to us. We act like a little self conscious girl who is desperate to please around people and we hate it but can't motivate ourselves to do anything about it because we don't think there is enough to gain.

People suck.

We never included you in that.





80s snippets ( multi generational trafficking)

"The adults are playing dress up again. You probably want to hide."
"Their so stupid I will never be like that." The other three agreed.
I tried not to know so much that they probably wouldn't because they would be dead.

"Whoes in charge of the games?"
It made a big difference to what would happen, who to and how easy or impossible it would be to run or hide. Some kids were legends for running and just not stopping until they dropped and that could be days.

The twins had a book. It was horrific and it terrified us for good reason it was about using torture to control someone, about creating and modifying DID. They boasted that there was hardly any in print anywhere. It looked like a normal oldish hardcover thick book. They left it lying around because I let them think I was to scared to go near it never mind touch it and that was only partly true. We threw it in the open fire, I think we might of poured fluid for Bills zippo onto to we didn't know what we were doing we were so driven. It caused a chimney fire. I blamed the twins because and was believed because they were troublesome teenage boys. There were mad about it of course saying we were in big trouble and would regret it. There was a moment when one of them seem genuinely terrified about what their Dad would do. We weren't that scared of him we knew not to be conscious around him and left it to older tougher parts. They were always saying what they were going to do to me usually using words and phrases we didn't understand but knew were very bad and boasted about who else was involved but we knew that meant they were boasting about the people that raped them. They fucking hated it when I said they were victims to and still did 30 years later.

She looks so chubby in those photos when we remember nasty bouts of hunger.

They led the older girl away, she was all sleepy and left me in the room with the twins. No one looked back. The twins faces were purple with rage. We knew it was going to be horrible and last a long time. I think I was four.

abscent

It just hurts today. Pain has been getting to us more, we are so easily startled, very irritable and am never far from crying. Wish dude didnt have such a blanket over everything we know he needs some of it we just wish we had someone to talk to. We are still trying to run on empty.

Each new part or group of parts comes forward with so much weight there is no point in getting up again. When they had us based in Skene and they stopped us from talking to you it was the only thing we lived for and gave us any hope. Then uni of course making sure we didnt forget it. So much abuse we feel inhuman because it. Just too much. Just like they planned.

How it feels to be working on something good and then we go back to it but cant do it anymore its too complicated and we feel too weak and we can never go back to it because they just keep getting us and we have too much DID. We dont want you to see how much that hurts. We are too proud maybe to. We are so angry and we cant see how that will ever change.

I feel like we must of wasted the time we had but we know its too early to be sure and just to breathe and not hate ourself for feeling the fallout from all that surviving. She just keeps crying Dad I keep crying she is too young to be on her own. She needs help after everything they did to her.

February 09, 2016

Cultural History

Hi Peely wally dad,

Christ. Like we say once we start letting go of knowing who we are and the lines that were pushed the longest have been acknowledged it becomes possible to start feeling out the contents and the cracks in our head better. We are in a remembering you phase. Beats remembering abusers considerably.

How are you? We don't know what your up to and as usual am not going to google you either. We do love you. Not up to looking at how much you're mind us been put on hold by all the shittiness and its so hard to try and look forward without fear but that's the injuries and they are healing. We know you always tell us not to be scared and believe in us even though you knew what was being done, as our first choice as birthing partner/ midwife no one can say you don't know stuff.

Lots of the Dream Team horrificness was aimed at controlling us and others after Margo died. Of course some of us are scared the scene that was programming them and their associates are having their way a lot all over the place but we are not doing anything that are going to feel the need to shut down immediately at the moment. Sundays though. And the need for other people that keeps hurting and reminding us its slow limited progress alone.

There is only two schools days this week and the dude has been has a genuine cold so that's we didn't have to take him in then either. Don't beat ourselves up about his life being in this house mostly. Its not helpful to hold ourself up to ideals of people who have had physical safety for themselves and their children. He's currently snotty and blotchy and expecting me to all the hard bits in a DS Zelda game on demand which is lots of the game on a handheld, yuck. Hes been reading the How to Train Your Dragon box set again and Minecraft books and plays, very into his playmobil dragons and weapons. We forget to remind ourself how much worse his life could of been, how much effort was put into making it so, how many more times he would of been hurt if we didn't fight so hard.

We knew they would ruin our mind for it but theres plenty always aiming for that.

Someone tool has posted some comment that might be against our parenting this post is from 2012 so there is no way we will be reading it particularly as it could been fiction by us or by someone else with a bunch of cunts putting the typist under severe duress. It got close to one or both of me and lad dying a few times and now we arnt being pushed to shelve that emotionally.. Don't think we are just saying that because that what we would say now either. Not when you are back in our consciousness.

Not in any state yet to really get things together. The no option but to wait for someone or something while doing what we can to ease our really badly victimised and brutalised parts. Ye olde tension between the need to feel connected to other humans and finding humans engaged in culture and activities that stop or push us back on our road to recovery is as pointless to mention but we will anyway because we know you bloody know. At least the made up by shitty middle-class line that anyone who isn't rightwing and very media compliant is unelectable is being challenged.

Twitter does of course gives us many genuine laughs and cuteness which can't be over valued.. Some of the other DIDers and others made us feel like we were caught in a net in the dark. It wasn't easy unfollowing until the moment that it was. We hope its not always like that though but feel ourself trying force other peoples' understanding of their systems onto us and that triggers of course..

We have started another blog. For writing we spend more time on away from all the carnage here. Might one of those things we don't go back to is the whole 'tell the story' thing us? Is it something we wont to keep trying. The answer is always yes but we don't know where it comes from..

We are not ruined. Yeah Dad we sort of believe you.

Of course we will write more about what we are reading it's just that when think of you reading it we want it to make some sort of sense. Gendered History it calls.. We don't always pick up. :-)

Lex (?) Not feeling 'Quine'
Louise
Xxx

February 04, 2016

February 2016. Goodness.

Hello.
Husband.
Of the living and non gay kind. But hi! To all living gay ones to & brothers & sisters.

School runs still take so much out of us. There's that sense that whenever he is there we need to watch ourselves very carefully, even more than normal. There are just so many layers of triggers on triggers, from the duty and expectation to get out of bed and leave the house in all weathers when we didn't choose and the promises of safety and equality are impossible for anyone to live up to. It highlights the isolation and how exhausted we are. We are scared about the ways he won't fit in and scared that he will and feel at home here when we never will. We have learned over and over we don't have a voice when it comes to serious stuff and it doesn't matter what we say or who we say it to traffickers and their associates face little or no consequences. Formal investigations go nowhere but we know there is plenty evidence. Obviously. Its all about getting people to appease then destroying morale. Same as ever.

Thinking about you a lot. How you woke up to "Rosa" interviewing you. Sign here Sir. Can't remember much about ceremony or eating or anything but we seem to remember more about times when it was just us. When the I we walked into Lochee and got questioned about getting married again in those amnesiac whatever states that the rest of us rely on and trust so much.. We only came out with a first name but Scuff came up with the second and gave a really good impression of not being happy about it after we confirmed, couldn't stop smiling and thanked them both because they didn't normally trigger us in that sort of a way.

We are trying to remember how it feels to know everything just isn't all over because the bad and stupid people have decided that is what is to happened for ever. 

All the lives being lived in various hells we know how every day is a world lost.

Where you at anyway?

Useless Pratt. There is no danger of us losing it to the point of heading over the bridge. Thinking about heading over a bridge to the burgh though but not to the extent of doing anything about it.  After so long being forced or forcing ourself into being out there alone when we weren't fit we still have a tools down type situation. I've no idea what happens next with all the programs and the prior commitments. Conversations with PsychoSis are always triggering certainly not any less so when she is sounding like someone who isn't capable of unbelievable horribleness towards us but the shit about Uncle Billy making a BS complaint to the NHS about Margo was bringing up Margo telling me that Billy had said that he was going to do that when to her, when she was alive, to her face. 

You can't think of these people as a family or even as people in the sense that you are we would be told. Their lives, their minds their words are not their own in very literal ways. We would go off in search of humanity and get ourself burned. We knew some were trying to encourage us to protect ourself emotionally and every other way, to stop us from trying to find safety, love or empathy where there was none. Some where trying to get me to stop looking for any humanity in everyone ever.  It wasn't always clear and not just because the surveillance has everyone pretending to be the opposite of what they are.

It must be killing parts of you. Like it is us. Don't give them anymore parts of you if they arnt going to give you enough back. Don't wait.

Not that we are holding our breath or anything we know we just make shit up to get through it.
Like Rabbie Burns. So cool. 

We love you.

Julia.

February 01, 2016

Miss you

 Hi Dad,

Its obviously the kind of thing we have always been very against but Christ we are sorry about that blonde terror magnet you've got prancing around over there at the moment... and as for Trump..

We know a glimpse at UK politics and you feel the same for us. All the utterly groundless talk sentencing millions to generations of misery.  Margo's death in December pushed back the friendly chat about getting us into work to March I think the DWP said..

It has crossed our mind but it wasn't til after we read the fuck anxiety book that actually the googling of PTSD therapist in Edinburgh happened. Train station is close to here its a short journey on the train, cheap if we ever get round to getting our travel pass sorted. Council Offices Dad. Alone. Or with a child. We feel like we are a character in a horrendous totalitarian distopian (been here with that fucking word for about 10mins. 5ish with the one before) novel before we step in the places. The bus would be free with the pass but it would take forever and I hate them. All of them.

After Dundee though and the way things have always been we feel a lot like we would just be walking into more of the same. Its the same as before we know it will already be rigged to hurt us but there has to be times when its OK and good or we wouldn't show at all so we choose to take what we can get. Fucking with our need for an environment where we can be out with someone and for it to be safe even for a little while. 

Not sure if we should be going into it with that kind of attitude.  Head down but muscles ready to pump up at a moments notice. Constantly scanning our own mind computer like to see whats safest to push forward and what needs to be stamped down so there is no trace of it all.

We're able to take it easier when some of us want to start looking at whats actually there. Not so angry about how much we were physically kept from everything we love. It's there of course but not so debilitating.  Same with when we look at post grad stuff. Lots of home learning available, amazing degrees. Without Margo and the kids and everyone else we don't feel so tied. Not that we have any of the means to move as things are and we arnt fit yet still, to feel things are possible again.

Knowing there's stuff we are interested in out there helps. We don't have nothing to build a life on here but its still heart breaking all these unfinished sentences. All the internal and external bairns screaming for hugs from each other that this flesh can't provide because its screaming so much to.  Whilst knowing we know everything have spoken about everything and recorded everything twice.

Bastards. Doesn't matter if the keys are broken.

It's not it all as ceased to exist in physical or any other form though and us feeling like it might as well be is the trauma talking. Catastrophising is common with people who have anxiety problems and it does help settle us to think that if someone has have survived lots of catastrophes then no wonder they expect the absolute worst as every outcome. We have been dragged along by our emotions for so long because the intellect is either completely detached or just not there. All those brain pathways that abusers tried to force on us or forced us through again and again. We know we worked hard to build alternative ones but there was only so much we could do. The big little man is here and generally being wonderful. We are just beginning to breathe and get our senses back. Slowly.

The book is by Robert Duff by the way Dad it did make us laugh and give really solid basic info, the guy seems really likable once you get past the caveman part..

Don't have a name so leave me alone!

And everyone.

Xxxxx