March 31, 2016

Always

There is a pull to face it head on be proud to be the ice dragon plunges itself into the heart of the volcano and through my destruction bring peace to the land.  To give in. We are grounded in something more solid than parable though. The littles sick shrink got to are very scared and we are struggling to organise ourselves in a way that we can communicate with them or reach them at all.

Wasn't quite as bad today as yesterday. Quite awful though. Dude is sleeping next to us. He said he was scared but didn't know why earlier, we said he was probably picking it up from me. We are just so desperate to be close to another human. Just lieing back to back with our legs leaning against each other is so nice we can feel stress leaving. He is a kid of course so the stress is topped up by all the essential saying that he couldn't sleep until he stopped saying it for a couple of seconds and feel asleep.

We waited til he was asleep before we made ourself hot chocolate. He brushed his teeth earlier or a least said he has. We thought it would be good to get him out on his scooter so he remembered. Guess thats proper again. Theres a lot of Margo in her and its not all bad but it hurts so much to living life trapped and in pain watching the lifes you could of lived pass by anyway without them pointing it out to all of the rest of us all day and all night.

We have done some nightshirts in the Capital Wasteland and some messed up nights sleep when we thought that surely we were so tired it wouldn't be a problem. They really have us at this time year. Even when they don't physically have us we still feel lots like they have.

Its difficult having Propers drug stigma and knowing that out whole life good, bad and indifferent guys have been throwing pills down our throat and injecting our blood stream and fat cells with all sorts. Still terrified about the new antidepressants. Beyond being a warm body for hugs and just someone in house that calms us dude can't help much and can't be a monitor for us those first few weeks.

Jess is sleeping on a blanket on the floor on the other side of us. We are glad she is here to.  Tomorrow day we asses then. Now we are very sleepy. More hugs please. Always. Xx

March 29, 2016

Properly

"Properly"

How we should behave while we are here. It comes from us being someone who wants to do things well if we are going to do them at all but we when taken here surrounded by people who do so much harm we can't be like that so we can't be at all. On top of that came the attempts to turn that thoroughness for themselves which we couldn't do they settled for focusing on bringing our the inferiority complex because we can't live up to our potential and did successfully force on us a part that wants to put all that drive into keeping our head down and basically doing what we are told within certain limits.

It really seems to worry them that those parts knew they were part of a system and they would call in help. We would pretend we we were parts we weren't some times to stop that but it wasn't always possible particularly during the times they keep us chained up for months.

She probably thinks she gave away more than she did. The whole cult of abuse is based on believing in torture as being a much better interrogation method than it is and the rest was about getting you to repeat things until they seemed real and are real if you are amnesiac of how you started believing them.

We are avoiding the issues..

"Properly"

Neat clean tidy 1950s housewife 1950s middle class man. Gender as natural - she knows what the rest of us know about that but got programmed she's still holding onto the traumas and telling us it relates a lot to Jacqui. She is to anxious for us to tell if she is trying to warn us or is just feeling what has happened, they made parts that don't work well together be stuck and always triggered by the other one. So miss neat and tidy and keep quiet are accompanied by fucking destroy it all and paranoias of doing awful inappropriate things just like we saw. That we were a do as we saw monkey.

Then the parts that were chained up and we feel the untreated injuries and exggeration of the injuries and the threats of exaggerating the injuries. Usually to or accessed vaginally, annaly or both. The prim and proper and nice parts are of course in danger of falling to pieces at being emersed in that. So the orders are to keep them up front causing paralysing anxiety throughout the system.

March 27, 2016

And when they make us forget everything we just start again and we always end up in the same place.

Time change the same as Ester almost never made it through a few of them and lots didn't in a DID way and in a being murdered during gang rape kind of way. Think we might of just overcooked the corn feed chicken yesterday though.

Wobbled over taking the gabapentin at regular intervals instead instead of being reminded of it when we start really wanting to die. The antidepressants that we went to so much crap to get are still setting at the chemist. Funnily enough we disengage with the medical profession when interactions with the medical profession cause health problems. Fucking obvious the first time or so someone seems really understanding and well briefed and then after that is a cold cunt. Its a pattern we see to often to not notice even when we are really trying not to.

This is the last time we need to remind our self not to go to that particular GP. There will always been a very strong sense of shit going on when we engage with doctors in particular and that stops us from being able to watch the triggers, support ourself. Too dissociated. Abusers often very specific and insistent that certain doctors are seen and certain things are said and of course as its not our ID various other people have seen docs with specific instructions on how to behave and what to say that has gone into the records..

Keep your head up, keep your heart strong, keep your mind set.

Stick the oven on, put some frozen potatoes on a tray, chuck some chicken on a plate.

We were talking about timelines, she gave us a big roll of paper for us to use and a cardboard tube to carry them in if we did them. She was saying she didn't believe we would ever be able to have a timeline of our life in any way. We said we already had it, not to share with likes of her or our self in this state though of course. It was fucking compulsory. It was almost like torture the way the bastards would make us go over it and not be too scared to talk about any or all of it. Almost. Making sure we had parts was just them doing there job. A job we agreed was necessary and were happy to support them with and be in charge of because of stuff that I knew if we told them about when it was ongoing they would go and get themselves killed over if we told them.

March 25, 2016

Cycle of life Saturday?

Slaughter Sunday?

You won't be able to get over the loss of your bairns at Easter that's what it will all be about for you.
We feel like that all the time anyway.
Yeah but it will be worse at Easter.
*furrowed brow*

This lot, part of the overlapping rings that are protected nationally and internationally, were are about finding out as much as they could about victims through speaking to people, talking to their other abusers, watching them and interrogation during torture and abuse aimed at accessing parts so they gave information about the rest of the victim's DID system whilst trying to keep victims amnesiac of the methods they used to get the info.

When we were back in a place were we could we couldn't stop ourself wondering if it was an IQ thing, why it had worked on them and not on me. We learned to anything but essential thinking when its ongoing the dissociation and parts that leads to are a nightmare to engage with after. Especially don't want to be wondering about IQs and selection because that leads to the even bigger scale stuff that has happened.

They wanted to estrange you from your values from your identification with yourself. To take any pleasure out of life and make every moment of every day in terms of your internal thinking and feeling and the things you do and all your relationships reminders of your slave state.

It worked a bit.

Where does one begin to deconstruct who one feels about Easter when one has comprehensive experience of the ritual abuse scenes? Well one doesn't when still hasn't gotten out of the reach of the authoritarian state controlled aspects of it..

March 24, 2016

Small victories

We were told share as much here as we could by people who seemed good. It always helps the bad anxiety. The parts that are triggered and fearing the worst see they are not alone and that whoever hurt them isn't as powerful as they make out.

We already made the appointment to cancel being on the list to see the Dundee D.I.D NHS counselor. Too many abusers have already said we are going. We have spoken to other survivors who were seeing them. Its part of the many horrible futures Elaine & Jacqui would say was going to happen sometimes without knowing we were in a state to think or answer back. Bertie's face that time we said we would not only be in a longterm relationship with Steff but we would also be giving him regular blow jobs was fabulous and hasn't lost its power to make us giggle. There is no physical way we could travel there, leaving Pablo here, to go back into that. An DID counselor. Who works with the NHS. In Dundee. Who we have been told is part of the rings. Yeah we have zero curiosity to find out how much we already know about them. Even if they were safe we wouldn't make the journey.

We hurt Elaine to many times for it for her too threaten murdering a bairn quite as much as she was doing to others but it would of been different with Jacqui. We could see her gearing up for it and getting all excited and prepare but there was other times she caught us of guard.

Not that it never got physical in there, during appointments. Our flat was the most unsafe place for us in the whole world there were quite times when we were hurt badly for long times not as much as in Aberdeen though.  We are just all fucked up on the specifics. Her husband is involved of course.

There was a lot of encouraging us to believe we were to little to manage anything and depending on how subtle she felt she had to be that we had no chance or fighting of experienced rapists and murderers. One time it was our little psycho and she sat there big eyed and timid and agreeded in detail even saying we were going to die that weekend when we not at all scared and were planning on how we would be breaking the limbs of the fuckers who tried.

She was not amused when we trotted into the next session. She said something about it can't remember we just the truth, we have DID, it gets less manageable when we are triggered that's why we see her..

Whole time of course there is the endless sagas with cops who are trying to the do their jobs and if we let them go the way they were going without support very bad things would happen to them, cops who make up the real infrastructures of the slavery or are just under the influence of those who are and trying to figure out which is which whilst trying to stay alive and  get kids out to safe places of course to.

Yeah.

Its understandable that we are tired and grumpy without specific rapists saying we would feel awful and make awful decisions on specific days.

Feel much less closer to death than this time last year. We were never to bad for being brought down by " we will kill you if you get out" because the same persons usually spent much more time saying "its impossible to get out" and our literal ever questioning brain would notice that. We soaked up Margo and Bills philosophy convos from the corner or the room and used them to undermine the brainwashing and keep us in touch with better places and people. One of the teenage lads we are assuming it was one of the Todd twins said something to one of the military types when he took me away one time about me not answering back to him. The military guy said it was because I knew he already knew they talked a lot of crap or something it was the way the military guy said "she" when he was talking about us that made us feel like he thought of us a person and not a thing. We had already noticed he kept his distance from most of the kids in the Glen and after that we noticed he wasn't present during the rapes and was motionless not looking during the programming when we were strapped to the medical chairs.

They starting raping him and all the rest when we were overheard taking sometime but he said it would of happened any way. We saw it in his eyes whenever he was AWOL we knew it, the pure sparkly joy of knowing what you are when deep in that shit - not one of them yet. :-)

People wouldn't believe us when we said its like drugs but it is.

March 23, 2016

Rosa

Rigid biological determinist social hierarchy. But it was so much the focus that we were always looking for what was going on under neath. We knew about the looking for people with certain potentials there was something else protecting activities. Mostly we were wrong though. Its the late 20th century and early 21st century transatlantic slave trade for recreational, surveillance and military use.

We know who we trained ourself to turn to. Always us. Always me. The stuff with Chris Todd telling us he was our real Dad. Calling us Rosa. When we had been tortured out of remembering are real Dad whenever we were being watched. Trying to get us to transfer our love and trust onto slaver who will never see as anything other than a bunch of parts to hacked apart and sold. It didn't work but it made it harder to remember we were Rosa and that we were strong and loved.

My problem with Diazepam in the past Mr GP is that traffickers force them on victims such as myself from a very young age you fucking tool.

Not that we said that. We were struggling with all words and not crying or screaming.

Hope to try and redraft the last post about the abuse Jacqui was triggering and the programming she was trying to reinforce from the British military ring. Not right now though. It does help us feel stronger when we remember the Jacqui/Elaine/Shona smugness over our feeling helpless. When we obviously weren't going to get any humanness from the GP when asked for more drugs which was stupid because that gives them more power and a chance to say more shit that isn't relevant or is just fiction. We smashed plate when we got back then hide in Fall Out 3 grateful for the amnesic barriers we have that mean we can play it without knowing it inside out.

Your are not going to be OK was the jist of most of what they said. Jacqui talked about us loosing our benefits because you don't get them without letters from your doctors saying you deserve them and she was happy to tell us was making that even harder than it already is. They say a lot of shit of course and they gloat about shit other fuckers do.

They cut you of from any memories of a good past, they make the present unbearable and trash any possibilities of a building a better future. Jacqui's job was to ruin our delusions that there is any hope of help for us and that we can manage on our own with Pabs and no contact and no support when we can't afford the cannabis anymore.

When stronger parts were around to hear the crap she was telling our most vulnerables we told her we are not from here, we were took here to be a slave and have never been allowed to forget that even if we wanted to.

You still have to go through the motions of being a person in Britain though. We have to Pablo of course as well. She gave up on turning us or convincing us we were an abuser as they all generally do and stuck to the facts as well told them because its obvious to anyone who isn't dissociated out of their boxes its the loss of the bairns that's kills us.

He has referred to us a DID counselor in Dundee. We are going to make another appointment and safe that's not a good idea and we can't travel anyway.

March 22, 2016

All scum and no pond

Its gonna be clear to some why there has been so much focus on Jacqui and what she said would happen to us the recent future. Her job was to to reinforce earlier stuff. Stuff that we starting to see without either feeling nothing but terror or nothing all.

They did lots of fake memory stuff. We see the lesser of the evils. What might of happened if whatever happened hadn't happened. What would school of been like today if you had gone, you were older than you are not in agony and not pregnant. If you let him into your fault and he had raped you what would that of been like? If you had let them into your flat and they didn't rape you what would that be like. Its a bit more complicated cause they are trying to play parts within a persons system against each other. Just like they do with children and adults. If you don't do this we will do that to them. So also not complicated. Its just that if you don't understand what DID is or how it used in extreme abuse cultures then trying to describe any aspect of human programming sounds ridiculous.

There was a handful of them. Very British upper middle class.

Greed, short-term if 1 thought we were weren't being fully exploited then they would try and go behind each others backs. They generally worked it out. The rape was always very violent they would try out the other kinds of programming based on producing automatic behaviors. They best they would get from us would be us pretending. They weren't the types to be drinking and taking lots of drugs with lots of deffernt ppl there everytime . they would say much just comments to each other or the instructions. One of them what call me a dog and lots of inferior type talk before he came.  The rest usually were silent. There was on older generation training a younger one up. The ranks and hiarchies where strictly and literally adhered meaning they were all raping each other. I was kept in compound type places. There was military vehicles, big fences big tin buildings, mud, rifles .. So we figured it was probably military. They would be present in Skene of course and other places.

Other than the rape and the filming of the rape, and murders and setting up of footage to make fake tapes a lot of it was about forcing us to live the fake ID and to make it as unsurvivable existence as possible by controlling our cognitive and emotional responses

March 17, 2016

and long live the Resistance..

She said we wouldn't be able to handle the remembering. That our littles wouldn't be able to survive what she was doing to us. We didn't want to show how much we doubted this because we weren't up for making things worse. There was so much basic misunderstandings about DID in people who thought they were mind control experts but were parrots and vessels for other people. We knew that through the sessions it would be impossible to hide from the ring she was representing that many of their real grandmasters and their favourite projects were long dead and their skills incinerated with them and the operations to neutralise the rest was ongoing. We played the truth because no one ever believes it, then the we can't tell you who we are working for they are worse abusers than you shit and that worked for a good while until eventually the 20 years of us telling and showing the worst that we would be involved in the neutralising with or without instruction or support caught up with us and someone told her we had being telling her the truth in the beginning.

Even when we were little we felt it would be a very dangerous time and that means "dangerous" within the context of our life. At the time we may of even wrote here (or got someone else to write here) that maybe we just told ourself that to survive everything that came before but we knew it wasn't true. We knew we didn't mean dangerous as in most raped and starved and captive we meant dangerous as in we might die.

Knowing some of what we were saying whenever she asked how we survived it all was being confirmed by people who were not our friends meant we could describe taking down some of the rings greatest assets answering questions that had been driving fuckers mental for years, throwing tonnes of resources into finding the answers and getting nowhere, in detail and maintaining eye contact the entire delicious time. Some within the ring would of been pressuring her to say she didn't believe it, to tell us we were not capable of defending ourself physically that our DID was into bad a state and too programmed to make tracking people down impossible as to not validate us in any way but others knew we would stop talking then and they wouldn't get any more info. The conflicts wouldn't be resolved locally not with everything we were doing in the streets and with the police, others would get dragged in higher ups had to be contacted and the whole fucking hierarchy was illuminated like a Christmas tree.

She often asked why, what was the point of talking to inquires or killing in self defense as there was nothing that could be done about it now because the corruption is so pervasive and the violence so unstoppable. Many have and its often seemed quite genuine. It's its own answer. So we don't end up in a place were our survival depends on asking people how they can have enough hope left try and find their own voice or physically defend themselves.

When she asked what was the point in writing, recording or speaking to police or anyone else about her or another abuser we explained we used it to recruit and for future generations. One time she asked what happens if people said no and we forgot we weren't pretending we were someone else for a moment then remembered that the only people who say no are usually active abusers who don't show any real signs of remorse. Another time she thought she had an isolated terrified little and was telling them nothing would either be kept or be looked at we can't remember which but the really traumatised kid knew it was crap and that she didn't have far to look for help. For a moment Jacqui was eye to eye with the part of us that figured out very early the only thing of value other than people was info. Information as in understanding and information such as evidence. Lucky woman.

Its the distance we feel from the me that figured out how to do all that that makes us feel not worthy of calling ourselves Rosa. But not so distant that we could reject Rosie we couldnt do that to our dad.

We don't have much sense of them getting anywhere when they tried to suggest that we or Pabs would be killed in or around 2016. Still plenty hangover from such a horrible horrible past though.

Hangers & Specific Threats.

He's not in school today. Its less the time in class or the playground that scares us as much as the walk there and back, too many people too many cars, our attention and focus all over the fucking place. A security nightmare. Its been ages since anyone told us we are not alone and their are tonnes of really violent people with motives to shut us down. Too many specific threats from Dundee and when they weren't getting to us, from higher ups further away, organised crime, American & British Establishment cutting out the middlemen. Sir our existence to date excludes any faith in the validity of the justice system we focus our efforts on gathering and sharing information such as phone calls like this..

Specific horrific threats not just about today of course. Jacqui for one listed them, possible attacks covering this time.  Even if we arw physically safe enough we can't force ourself to go through the fear and the chills and the not knowing alone.  We are acknowledging and communicating better but not enough to feel strong in face of the memory of a time when so many people in our life told us, all of us but it works best with the physically weaker littles of course that Pabs was going to be murdered.

We are not sharing internally how much we know about them saying the same thing to him to. Its what they do. Child abusers tell kids and adults who stand up to them that they going to kill them. Something they say lots and sometimes do.

How can we describe how it feels to have proved to the relevant authorities that you and your children are being raped and they are making threats against our lives but the abusers are still free to work with the vulnerable. Still free to support abuse. Still free to be a trusted professional on who is and isnt safe around children and free to assault those children themselves.

Can't imagine how it must feel to be employed as a relevant authority who isnt already  completely cynical and to see colleagues and superiors and the entire system as something of a very different nature than the public face.

That thing with the sensory depravation, the starvation and the constant rape in the Todd's flat, Skene and other domestic locations was up and down the country, tried all across the world. Warehouses in Jersey, military aircraft hangers in England, Canada, as well as here and States of course. It was on our mind after August 14 when we were trying to not let them win in regards to us speaking to Jersey inquiry. The dreams about whole communities being transported in horrible ways we had been having before the phonecall with the inquiry when we tried to add to the parts that made a statement days before Laura, Anna, and a lot of other people died.

Like we could see the Jersey Inquiry exposing the extent of the trafficking of children for rape nevermind expose a international network experimenting on a massive scale to make people 100% meat puppet for their own schemes and for profit from anyone who wanted any kind of slave or the even bigger network of people produced and placed to keep it all protected and safe.

Christ is was good too see the faces at times when their hold over the media might be undermined or that a world is even possible where their hold over "normal" and "possible" could be questioned. Keeping peoples intelligence, their ability to think critically, to have confidence in their own flesh annihilated is a core aim of it all and lots of people worked hard coming up with ideas and implementing them both in terms of torturing bodies and through their control over media, culture and state actors.

They seemed to think that when we are away from the warehouses and domestic locations if they mention anything about all those times we would wither away but often we just get disgusted and angry. We did our best to explain to her how it was quite obvious who was the victim of that shit and who was surviving. Who really had been brain damaged in a way that made it impossible to survive without the support of the network. Don't think we got any further than her than we did with Elaine or Deek or Lynne or any other full time abuser. Fully committed at a very young age and they have no inclination to go back far enough and deep enough to question or challenge it. Their comfort zone is keeping other people in discomfort they do not have protective instincts towards children but they can be good at emulating them.

Terrifying..

(Code - Where the fuck are our guns?)

March 16, 2016

That mask that they put Hannibal Lecture in .. Can we get one of them?

We took the playmobil out today. We struggle to play but just looking at them, arranging them and holding them makes us happy. We took the day off when he was at school. Except to hoover the and tidy up the downstairs a bit. Failing on the eating front. We remember Jacqui talking to littles telling us we wouldn't be able to eat, all the times she presented a sympathetic front to them but was pushing them down, its sad but you are all going die she would say, it is sad that everyone is going to die but that includes you to Jacqui and our littles smiled cause they knew we had their back.

Deek  rapes seemed to be pushed forward as an appetite killer and of course all the if you don't consent/act the part you don't eat captivity/exclusion/murder attempts. No one was allowed to let us inside or feed us.. Every time we saw Grace reject food and go a long time without eating anything hot, with protein we just wanted to run and hide. We couldn't tell what was us and what was her, if I dont eat I am controlling what goes in my mouth and it makes me feel like I have taken back control that is taken when they force their things in my mouth and down my throat and its horrible and stays feeling awful for a long time after. Especially my throat and my stomach.

Jacqui spent some time telling us how scared we are of Deek, why that was, what he was doing and letting happen to the kids and why it was going to continue. We take it all in. Regurgitate it all back out again. And fucking pray for those bairns and all mine. We broke our heart for the good bits in Laura when we saw what a nasty ring pet he is. We've never seen any good bits in him that we didn't think was completely superficial. We told Andrea the social worker who took info on Savile before he died how we went cold when we saw him hug kids because we couldn't spot any warmth or love in his eyes. We weren't able to talk about about the horrific injuries that happened to us up there, the torture, sex slavery that Deek  had played a happy part in, providing we were already severely restrained, drugged or already in agony of course.

Whenever our feelings started to soften during the time here towards Margo we remember her support for children living up there in that scene and we frosted up again.

We are nervous to, not just because we pushed forward with the room and are pushing forward with reintegrating our mind with our physical past. Its tomorrows date, it has some significance and we feel ill about it a bit like we did before Margo died. Some of the upfront desperation takes a back seat and the rest of us are like oh aye what the fuck now..

March 15, 2016

They've done it to everyone Laura including you..

Someone asked us last year to write about the Todd's keeping people in darken rooms and constantly raping them, starvation and ear plugs often to sensory depravation and torture to get someone to give up on whoever they were before so they can tell you what you are know  They talked about it in the Glen and where still doing it 30 years later. They did it to adults, children and animals. We remember one time getting out of the room in Charleston and begging Beth for help. She did the whole there is nothing she could do about it enabler line, her sister did the same. Another time we were pulled out of there with a very extended stomach and prepubescent, we weren't pregnant.

We remember the police saying no one was going to believe it and it clicking with them why we wanted everything filmed all the time. We don't remember what happened after but we think we got to recover out of the UK before being brought back. Everything as it was.

Laura would pass on the line that it was just they did it to sometimes when they were doing it to others at the same time as me. One thing is for certain for all the time spent there being kept like that not once did we regret burning that book. Whenever Elaine or Jacqui or anyone else started saying we were going back to that we didn't believe it. Too many of the people who worked with us when we were younger have found us again and we know too much about what we are capable of.

It was all hooked up to wider trafficking and experiments and favour systems of course but they liked to pretend they were in charge especially here in Scotland but we knew what their famous powerful contacts were doing to them because they were doing it to us and in front of us. They would laugh at us for turning down cash we didn't want and knew would all or mostly taken off them again. It would get quiet and pissed off at the injustice when that happened.. Women traffickers would tell us not to hate them they were victims and couldn't help it. They said that about all abusers but never about anyone who fought back or hurt people trying to get out.





March 13, 2016

I do, I do, I do!

It is nice to be here. When Jacqui told us we wouldn't be able to decorate his room we would be too tired we didn't think she really believed it. There was often a "its your choice" with a sense that it wouldn't be a good idea and if that didn't work threats would get less and less veiled. The aggression less subtle.

Ah thank you for triggering the memory of that torture session the amnesia another ring forces on us really gets in the way of us processing stuff but now you have brought to mind whats bothering us we feel much better..

I guess when slave production networks and facilitates are sold by the military they forget to include proper instructions. You would think they didn't care..

She tried to convince parts that our tiredness, our depression, our PTSD was all down to her. Yeah Jacqui we would say just you and Elaine and the Todd's and the Johnston's all by your selves if we were really lucky she would start listing others and going into details. We knew that the longer we looked traumatised the more she would say. Sometimes of course we had vulnerable and amnesiac and were deeply traumatised other times she would stop cause our stupid face would light up at the info she was giving. Stuff we had needed to be spread between parts and outside people for years but couldn't and know she was doing it for us.

She got to us more when she talked about the damage done to Pabs and her role and support in all that. But we would split in ways she couldnt predict and the rest of can question to deal with it. Sometimes she started gloating about what was being done to other kids. If we were able we would get professional, start taking about how she and people like her had undergone procedures and victimised in ways that meant she was incapable of feeling any emotions and were then trained to become addicted to extreme abuse as the only way to feel anything or any connection to anyone. Then we used the words she used a lot to mess with parts who weren't sure is she was being sarcastic or not, "Its very sad" but we weren't being sarcastic.

She said it about some of our blog posts that told the truth. She didn't suggest it was sad that we would be punished for what we had written it was stated. But we can't fucking remember we were to busy breathing at the time and staying primed for a physical attack then and there.

Its never gets easy to hear people being either overtly support child torture or be complacent about child abuse. Its something sick fucks always have against people who arnt sick fucks. They do what they do because it gets the results they want, it's an algorithm. Thinking about human beings who appear quite normal or even lovely but underneath everything they do is part of inhumane plots and schemes doesn't get easier. We just learned how to ground ourself in people who weren't like that.

Doors have been painted. And we cleaned the window. Done very little else and the lad has done bugger all. Did that thing when we know we need to feed ourself and the dude, just feel so small and exhausted and overwhelmed but when chucked yesterday's leftover tatties with the few chips left in a bag and a couple of fish steaks on an oven tray and with some peas once again failed to fail to feed him.

If there was specifics about what was going to happened to me and/or Pabs for decorating his room, writing the things we have published recently, not going back to Grahame, not going back to Jacqui, taking the Gabapentin as prescribed, whatever we do or don't do next we can't remember. We do know would of been making sure they would be falling on ears that wouldn't of been as deaf to them as ours have to be when getting us home is still outside our control.

When she was trying to get romantic littles upset by talking about the Jessie wedding are we were doing our best to keep them asleep we said of course he wasn't coming back we are a slave we cant get married she said "as long as you understand that" but was still obviously annoyed it wasn't getting to us like it had on a previous occasion.

"We were already married anyway Jacqui and have been for a long time. To war. Fighting people like you"


March 11, 2016

Finishing chapters..

Started the woodwork and then stopped when we started to feel the same exhausted weepines we felt when forced out of bed to do housework or go to school and pretend we are older than we are. Then we remembered how little sleep we got and figured it made sense to wrap it up. We did the door frame including the bit on the floor so that means we can't go back in there unless we want to fuck up what we have done. Keep worrying that we making a room we like rather than him. He just told us though that the most important thing to him was that we put in lots of effort..
....
.......

Don't know what kept us up last night. The writing has helped us getting to a place where the horrors of been trafficked into and from Aberdeen and Dundee feel like a past chapter but we are wary of that we know they encourage that just to take it down. Certainly seem to be past just focusing on the okay moments and using them to build fictional narratives about non abusive relationships and safe environments.

At till this point whenever this happens they start hitting us with anything and anything they can until we back down. As we believe this blog has shown.

The just leaving us in isolation was never what was going on for very long before. It was isolation and torture.

We feel positive though. Much more us. Much less desperate for a world that depends on denying us to start accepting and acknowledging us. Exhausted though but breathing through all the specifics as they are exposed and processed. Letting go of them when we arnt ready. Knowing it won't be so bad the next time we remember.

Utterly ready to destroy anyone to attempts anything on us or Pabs.

March 10, 2016

Churning

She was all up for taking credit for the state we are in, how our flat was looking more like Elaine's in terms of how messy it was, at how our mood was low child care was near impossible. They don't like when we mention that there is no way we would be in a position to be damaged by her if a bunch of others hadn't made it possible for them, how they are nasty cogs and it's the machine that's scary. They are like children when you deny them their only power as network members, the power to terrify an individual by repeated acts of evil. In the sessions she wasn't going to start shouting and stamping her but you could see could she how tense she was getting. Can only remember one time when she lost it and started shouting in sessions in Broughty and it just made our attack of the giggles even worse.

There was a fair amount of you will be a sex worker because the benefits system will not support you and you will have to eat and feed bairn/s. There has been a fair amount of that talk and efforts to make it true over decades. We are much more comfortable robbing and stealing from people we still can't consent to sex work it may be disgraceful to some but we would rather be hungry and children went hungry. Besides we are in the West here they arnt gonna like it but bags of rice and really basic foods can be bought cheap or nicked to keep total starvation at bay. The hard line in regards to sex work hasn't changed, fucking kill us and its not just cause it would benefit the abusers and their BS. We can't consent to sex work even you make a magical world where we are in charge of where, when, what and how much. We can't consent. Its too yucky.

Was like when the landlord mentioned that homelessness with Pabs in current climate with our health being what it is wouldn't be good, it would be awful but we have survived worse and there would be no way to get debts of us when homeless and if that is a warning can we have it in writing..

Rings are too broken now for us to be too scared that we would turn down help from a non abuser anyway. You might motivate them Tory scum that are friends of Savile and Jacqui.

She asked us about Scania. If he was a part of it and if so what.. We were saying fuck all. Obviously it wasn't safe.  Except that we knew his death date don't think she every got it out of us. She really wanted it though. We were pushed under sometimes but other times we would pretend to see what she was up to. We woke up laughing at her a few times, confused and annoyed and few other. She asked what happened to the kill switch we said we had put in that would physically go for her one time when she was close to a place where she might of done more damage than already done, we said she was no where near any of those levels. Then watched her face really carefully when we said it was true we had put in a kill switch and they knew it (meaning her handlers, her pimps) and that is why they weren't giving her instructions that would risk it. We were very relaxed.

So fucked up. Oh thank fuck she is gonna try some access deeper parts to abuse them which is going to give us the kick up the arse we need to feel our body and know our mind again.. They changed tactics.. Lol.

Petey. We meant it.

Pabs is here and not at school. I know another disgrace. He isn't over that virus though couldn't send him in when so pale and coughing so much and when we are churning through all this JacquiElaine shit.

There was a lot of supportive calls from all over when it was going on. We worked out a lot of our fears about parts speaking different languages. People helped us translate and it was so cool its just me us speaking in different languages. That made it easier to give all we could to bring down rings in non English speaking counties.







March 09, 2016

You think your therapist is bad? Pfft

So how much are the threats a factor in us not looking for more therapy? We tend to see them as a machine so focusing all its influence and all our fears on the hate from any specific cog or set of cogs never held. It is there though as is the fuck that drive to power through and try anyway. The exhaustion of traveling on public transport alone that scares us as much ring threats. Pabs isn't Laura people won't just stand by and let him be killed. And the king pins have been dropping like flies. No shortage of young or middle aged scum but we tend to see them coming and if we don't someone else does.

She was quite convinced and tried to convince us as did Elaine that Pabs was going to be murdered, that he wouldnt make adulthood. Plenty others who just didn't do it when we were quite so awake. People named here among them but which tbh would involve us guessing. But would probably be right cause the non public faces of organised crime are always going to be encouraging the public ones to keep us busy. Punishment of course if you name them we will make sure they rape you and your bairn again.

The more words we write the more convinced we are that we will see him reach adulthood. Its not the kind of thing we would rely on British people to secure but there are plenty to help and have helped but its outside her and all her Satanic muppets control.

Fucking brutal. Aw you don't think your therapist is hearing you? Ours is an important part of an international trafficking ring and keeps saying our kids are going to be murdered.

You wouldn't let us write like this if they had a real chance of getting him would you us?

We know some of the posts here weren't us cause we knew it was to dangerous at the time. And yeah I do trust us over them.  And yeah I do remember how confident we felt when she tried any crap when there hadn't been very recent very successful physical attacks involving lots of people with lots of expertise. And even then most of the time she would say something that would make us pull an involuntary "illogical captain" face.

We had to start making calls and found people who had fuck all to do with it and who asked we let them know if there was anything they could do.  There was also lots of necessary for our survival reconnecting. For all the making sure everything we did to get out just hurt us more we had to find ways to do the same to them. They rigged the world around us like that so we rigged our brain as best we could to do the same. Your definitely not nice to me and I don't like people who are nice to me just to be bad to me.

Its been so horrible so yucky so obscenely ridiculously violent and pointless and heartbreaking its hard to image anything else but we know its out there and all over.

We have spent time, unknown time, physically restrained with horrific human personality destroyers as a child and they were not using instructions these were the guys that work that shit out through gross abuse on hundreds if not thousands over their lifetimes in military compounds there wasn't any being read Dr Suess sessions. If we can survive them we can survive you.

But did you survive? I can still hear her ask.

Well what do you think Jacqui?

He loves me like a rock..

Its over. Yeah right. No more satanic shrinks, child rapist drinking companions, no more or at least very little BS family, no more buying weed from a bloke who a bloke who brings up bairns to sell them.

We do believe it its just we believe that all being over also means no hope of seeing people who love us or doing work we love again either.

Of course there were awful times when she hurt us to and she told us we would find it really difficult to get back into therapy, especially letting people work with the littles because of what she was doing. She told us we would not be safe if we went back into therapy and neither would Pabs. It was the kind of thing that would only get to us if we were already down. 

When she told us our period was late she was doing the you poor pitiful creature routine. Much more effective than when she told us she had written a letter saying we shouldn't get custody of Sonny to us in an arrangement that was amnesiac to Sonny's existence but isn't amnesiac to our non existence legally and how that was enforced in all official bodies or the fact that we can trust ourself. We fucked up at times by thinking she must of being playing stupid abuser when she wasn't she really was that badly informed and really did believe in the power of bullying, abusing a DID system can keep them under total control. That only appears to work with people who have accepted they are part of an extremely violent network and get pleasure from inflicting misery.

She told us her official abuser satanic title and confessed a whole heat of shit in attempts to trigger and terrify us into breaking down and giving up permanently. We were wearing a wire. Usual, we don't expect immediate results from most of the work we did but we did get information out. We would show people what we were fighting, how generations had been trashed and limited for decades and how they had them supporting it.

In the last email she wrote that if there was anything she could help with to let her know.. Today we saw a sheet about dissociation she gave us when she was acting like a really nice person. It lists things DID ppl need and it triggered incidents of her deliberately doing the exact opposite.

Been thinking about Laura today as well how the rings and their reps Todd's, Elaine, Scuff and co (we didn't have to spend time with any if the others in situations that weren't ingoing trafficking so we can't remember their names so easy) made her and the bairns life hell and killed her. If we were in current possession of the names of the Aberdeen rings that the bairns dad is in deep with we would be sharing them here and now but knowing that we will have helps at various times to various people both local, national and international helps. Not knowing what if anything is being done of course is a nightmare. Poor tykes with those loveless cunts.

She told us not to mention that she was an abuser when the benefit reviews come up we said she just made it certain that we would, if they happen of course maybe we wont need to because of access to our own legally earned money you never know. She looked uncomfortable then I can't remember what happen next she either threatened some shit we didn't hear or went back to pretending she was our therapist and we were in a therapy session

God I hope Leigh got out. Surely.

We remember crying with you Dad or someone who had to stand in cause theres so much effort to keep us from taking to you and we need you when we said on the phone that she had told us we were late. And you, they said it would most likely be the last time but we refused to hear in case it wasn't true but we guessed straight after what was said. 20 years of rape and unwanted pregnancies, miscarriages caused through violence,  births surrounded by abusers and traffickers.  We think we infiltrated them to send out orders to have pills forced on us when out and about the got the pills switched so they abortion pills. We probably just vacated once the pills were ingested the most vivid memory is seeing the blue lights in the sunshine on motorway when the train was near one and wondering what they were about someone else thinking probably us, not really caring then sinking away again.

She didn't seem to gloaty afterwards her and Elaine were so similar at times we could predict what crap we would be getting from one from the other.  We told her if she hadnt announced to our entire system that we were pregnant we probably wouldn't of been able to do anything about it and if she wanted to undermine our certainty that she was 100% abuser she had gone the right way about it. She said that hadn't been her intention and we believed her but didn't show it because it seemed to annoy her. Its not fucking easy or pleasant pretending to be grade A sick assed traffickers or their lackies that's ordering some kind of hit on yourself it needs lots and lots of us working together and finding ways to delve into very very bad times and nip back out again really quickly.

We sat there looking at how much ourself we had opened up to and found to be not abusive during the process and couldn't help feel glad that we had been forced to get in touch with us and how glad we were to be alive. We told her about that to. Think she got so uncomfortable she shifted in her chair.

"Why isn't it working" is something that's been said to us and near us many many times. Its cause our Daddy loves us. They can write and spread all the filth they like. They arnt gonna convince him.

Fuck you Jacqui Law. We never need any specific abuser to tell us we arnt safe. We arnt from here. The reason we are here is cause its the easiest place to keep us unsafe.

Duh.

March 08, 2016

No Jacqui an adult who abuses is an abuser not a victim. Your enabling them.

Did Dr Jacqui and the rest of the Dundee professional traffickers help Elaine get Dasha & Ems back to Elaine so they could torture, rape and sell them more? They are good strong kids but they believed in better days and there was always scum and victims around when I was little telling us things would be better soon to encourage us to not run or fight and destroy the hope when we it wasnt true.  We liked the way stronger us'es often came forward when she started the worst of the triggering and emotional abuse. Like on the phone when we asked if she was helping Elaine get the kids back and she said she was and that she believed it was important that she did that and harder us slipped out and told her we wouldn't be back then slipped back again to being broken littles saying what they were supposed to. When she would try and convince us that we were an rapist because the rings turn everyone into one and all the ring rapists she was seing had told her we are and we laughed. There was a few times we laughed. Hit and miss though when they know you are physically prevented from getting away any time soon they can learn and analyse at their leisure in meetings where results can be discussed and new strategies developed.

We learned early because of Todds, Elaine, Gabe/Anthony/Scuff, English media & friends, posh military, the US right the others telling us what we had been saying in sessions when they raped, tortured and threatened us over the phone that any hope she was evenly vaguely safe to talk to was impossible. We said at least once that it would of been worse for us if there had been more effort to pretend it was a safe space and the physical attackers hadn't said the stuff they have said about her, if she hadn't been so blatantly unprofessional in sessions more of the amnesiac parts would of groomed. She didn't like it. Got that twisted face of desperately trying not to wonder if might is always right look that we saw in her and Elaine often.

Like we when we refused to revisit whatever it was we were talking about when we got so terrified and triggered we fainted and wouldn't wake up til plods scooped us up hugged us and got our ass out of there. One of the most obvious times that stands out to us was when we were talking about how much we remember about the times the Todds came out to the Glen and stayed with the Johnston's.. The twins were always boasting about the people and parties they went to, about knowing Jimmy Savile amongst others, about being jigalos about trips to the states and we were playing with Jacqui whenever we talked about all that or refused to. She put on her best calm, not asking for any real reason voice when she asked if we could remember the name of the women in the states they talked about and we said in best casual upfront not hiding our mind voice that we couldn't in that setting but it was the kind of thing we had definitely been telling all sorts of people all over the world whenever possible ever since.

She thought she could access our unconscious. We are not other people. She was out of her league and we knew since the 80s and were 2/3 that she would be.

It was priceless.

Don't remember her asking outright if we could remember of the Scottish woman.

Conflict. Battling other peoples efforts to destroy us and all the bairns and anyone who won't rape or follow horrific orders. It's the only times we feel alive here. Its something we will always have and many people have told us that. We can't be only that though we and never always going to prepared and fit to defend the constant crap and horror coming from all directions.

The benefits Dads. The re testing we don't feel to prepared and tough enough for that alone.

15 but someone is saying 16 that's the number of different girls and women who Johnston's, Paterson's, communities,  various professions like schools and hospitals and others have identified as being "Louise Johnston"..

We did all the edges in Pabs room yesterday, green! Gonna have to put another coat on the ceiling again but it won't take much and it will be worth it. :-)

Oh and when she told us about Jessie taking out what they turned the original Louise into we said we were sorry but none of that meant anything to us. We used "not in a place to talk/remember that" as a shield whenever she started bombarding us with "supporting" people who were trying to kill me and Pabs and if they couldn't kill us keep me pregnant and estranged from the ones that either cling to life long enough for them to torture as newborns.

As far as we know she is still supporting abusers with access to their victims and undermining efforts to get and keep people safe.

We arent seeing people or writing any letters. Except to Gran P to say thanks for the card and 30.. But that's done. As is the stationary packs to the dreaded address at the road.

Might take it easy today. We have benefits to spend on new things for Pabs room and yes order food and sensible essentials while we still can whilst also smoking spliffs..

Decent plods and all sorts will be watching every move she makes as will the rings to keep her safe and comfortable of course to though.

March 06, 2016

No good for us here and music makes it worse.

Dad.
The day started well enough. Dude has bad fever we have hung out with him a bit. Even painted his bedroom ceiling. Whilst taking rests and snacking. But now we just hear our petrified voice when we pointlessly called out 'mum' when they put down the tarp.

For all the dream team hell and the morning calls its the reason we hate Sundays and can't handle Mothering Sundays. We haven't moved on. From that day on all we do is tolerate people until they go away again. See things that need to be broken and then break them.

We aren't remembering enough to remember what or if we named but we knew who we were and named her Alexis didn't we? Its one of the names written on the ceiling in Dudes room from when Laura stayed here and kids were coming in and out lots 'Lexi' its in purple pen or some shit and we have tried sanding and all sorts and will take all few more coats of paint for all their names to gone.

I'm very glad he has lost his appetite coz it would really awful to try cook quick simple fevered child food right now.

What do we do now after that? Horrid spooks made us listen to and watch all the people and all the steps involved in organising it. What inclusion, what healing, what 'life' can there be after that? When they still have control over our reproduction?

When the estrangement with the ones they didn't slaughter is still rock solid for the purposes of protecting abusers..

We just tired we know. After work and the way things are are, hes fine. We got what he needs. Just try rest but it either comes up or we feel locked down or controlled. Just like they want it. Yeah you call me Julia now.

Xxx

March 05, 2016

Hello Family,

Saturday. No School run. Or school preparation. Or missing him in the crowd after the bell went because he's a slow walker and we stopped leaving early so we waited for ages then scurrying home to find him waiting at the door when we really have cut off the vast majority of our ring connections and of course we have been told lots that they will kill the dude. Our flesh didn't freak out to too much it was more concerned with our fitness level. Mind went there briefly though. As minds do.

We are letting some of the emotions towards Jacqui flow. There's a lot of hate, lot of kind of disgusted confusion, little sense that the good she did for us was anything other than essential to maintain some professional validity i.e. grooming, a fear in some littles silent rage in others. Shrinks supporting trafficking rings are not helpful. Remember we wrote about her meeting with other RA therapists, how many cases over how many years, she was always in out of court, writing letters as a trusted professional, her work with offenders in prison. Awful. And utterly in keeping with our life here and something they told us about to undermine us when we first started being brought here. It was after that was up for grabs. Because everything and everyone is so locked down and on rails here.

Today? We put the first coat of gloss on the window sill and used the same paint to bring out the edging above the doors then came back to bed, rolled another and wrote this. Now we are going to help the dude with HD Zelda. He has eaten pizza. I have eaten a biscuit and gabapentin as prescribed. And tea.

Moar tea.

LoveUloveU

March 02, 2016

Yeah probs be on the Demon Headmaster shrink for a while..

In her own words she was just doing a job there are no abuser parts she would say. We were constantly second guessing how much she knew about what she was doing. We still are but as we are not sitting in that room or making that journey its not quite so pressing. Its what the rings do, make sure their abusers are looked after while setting out to destroy any sign of hope in the victims. She would get frustrated whenever we tried to explain how much she had endanger lives and the people she was telling me was trying to support were active. Sometimes it was like she expected us to just accept she was going to engage with traffickers, our traffickers and tell me what they were saying lies and horrific triggers because she expects us to believe they have treatable DID.

She was required to produce reports against us and our attempts at contributing to inquires and in support of rape and child abuse addicts for whatever they may require whilst doing there best to undermine us during times that were near fatal to me and various bairns and that is what she did. Its angered a lot of people. Really contributed to a lot of damage done and being done to a lot of people, a lot of growing or desperate to heal minds and bodies. There were times when she would say she understood they were too damaged and she was unqualified to deal with but then she would swing back again. Start trying to direct sessions, mention names or events, imply people were safe or dangerous, literally repeating the justifications used by our longterm local very serious abusers as clinical explanations. Trying to persuade us they had no choice they were so programmed which was to fit in with they "there's nothing you can do your going to die" programming we were getting from the same people she was either seeing as clients or because they were professionals like police she was in talks with. Sometimes saying directing that so and so wasn't and abuser or that she didn't believe some gang rape happened if it involved her other clients.

It was proper demon headmaster stuff and walked away from many sessions shaking our head thinking she has no idea what she is dealing with in us and neither do they. Before switching or dissociating of course because we would be on the street by then and can feel all the eyes on us, brain smog. Hate the isolation makes it impossible to forget our place in UK society.

And now we go back to be littles that don't worry about tomorrow. They are just so glad to be able to start to feel again. They are amazing they just keep coming back.

We feel all the insides of our skin. Our feat, our legs, our head our hands our everything and they are warm and safe and remind me of good peoples. That's our job.

Xxx