July 30, 2016

Sensitive Skins

Meeting the carers was really good. Massive relief. They seem good decent people and we weren't triggered by them. Conversely meeting them has empowered us. Can you imagine what the effect it would have on us if we were triggered by them.. we would be overwhelmed and anxious and a powerless mess. The docs, the social worker would see it and would be less inclined to give us contact and if we said we were triggered they would say we were delusional and psychotic.. Horrible system.

Disappointing we only got five day pass and not discharge but not surprising. It's when we go back that we need to say that our life has been owned, controlled, manipulated and out of our control and it's time we took it back. Not after a week or so pass. Now. We can trust ourself to take the meds, to eat and take care ourself. There is no chance of getting ill as we were. It took something over three decades for us to get and be forced into the state we were in. Social work will be all over us and we don't care. We want them to come over regularly. We are not scared that the house will be a mess or we will be too emotional because the house will be fine and yes we will be a bit emotional but thats us, thats life and we have the tools, the strength to manage it. Not that everything is going to wonderful. We are still here. But we don't hate and fear the land and everything and everyone on it and in it like we were.

The ward is particularly horrible at the moment for anyone who is present enough to notice and not institutionalised enough to care. Of course if they threatened us with section we will have to take the passes and speak to advocacy about it and maybe a lawyer.

Watching Sensitive Skin isnt exactly helping our cannabis cravings.. Not acting on them. Not today. The worst part is the sense that we are only not smoking because we are scared of doctors and social workers and not because we think it is right for us at the moment to not smoke. It's not like we can control the quality of whatever we buy and we will probably over use it. We don't want to over use and we feel better about not buying when we think about that. That we are not smoking for us. Not because people who know fuck all about us and either don't care or incapable of understanding us have told us not to..

Hated that in refuge to, how people and services that you go to for help take on the abuser role regardless of their "good intentions". Structural see?

Sex cravings.. Again Sensitive Skin playing a part in that to. Healthy of course to have sex cravings, relationship cravings. Any vague hornyness turns into the last times anyone of very really intimate with anyone and how the those relationships didnt get to end. They were just stopped. Outside forces. No phone calls. No regretful drunken texts to exes. No awkward bumping into each other on the street. Just people being led away by pricks with authority, by force and the threat of force.

Hmm. Such thoughts are not helping our weed cravings..not giving into them tonight though our selfharmy pride will see us through.. oh thats not the right attitude is it? Maybe I should give the ward a phone and tell them how I'm feeling? Lol. Thats funny. "yeah I think the main reasons while I'm not buying cannabis is because I see doctors as abusers and I have to do what I'm told or horrible things will happen and I'm horny but I've got major reps in some major places and I dont any fucker going near me if they have no idea.. I don't my exes numbers they're all in the states anyway.. fucking networks delete the numbers and the bastards all seem to have settled for gilded cages anyway. Cunts."
....
"Well we have seen you do lots of colouring and reading on the ward maybe you could do some of that."

:-/

tee hee

Goddam period pains. So glad we hugs from our lad today, so fucking essential.




July 28, 2016

his needs

News isnt bad Stina. The social work review went well. Social worker's boss is a very different animal than social worker. She told us our rights in much clearer terms and told social worker he had no grounds for court orders to keep junior in care once I get discharged. Cause of the weekend pass we were able to think and write and sent out an email saying all the stuff the ward and psychiatry kept us too stressed and dissociated to say and because we had written it we were much more able to speak in the meeting. He's not an easy guy to like is the social worker, maybe he thinks thats him being professional. Doesnt make much sense to us. Surely its within a child's best interests for there to be rapour between yourself and the child's parent. Instead of being so consistently icy cold. He tried it on again during the visit today saying he had spoken to a child psychiatrist who agrees with him that Pablo should stay in care while my parenting is assessed but there would be more visits..

So basically, a child who has lost so many relationships, has been moved around lots should stay in care while being assessed by an NHS child psychiatrist who hasnt met Pabs or myself and who only knows what they were told by a child social worker who has the people skills of a week old tuna sandwich and who refused to give me written information on my rights and gave me one hour of access in a month..

Seeing as I'm not mental and have been told my rights and do have the kid's best interests at heart we declined.. Fucking ridiculous suggestion. It would be horrific for Pabs. He would resent me, the docs, the carers, everyone even more than he already does. He needs to come home. They can visit as much as they like but there is no way we can agree to him living somewhere else because someone with no idea thinks the perfect storm of triggers and deaths causes another breakdown in us.

We wont know more about when I get discharged for a day or two yet. When they will probably try and get us to disclose again in ways that anyone who knows anything about brains and traumas would tell them is just causing more harm. We tried weeks ago to tell them not to as they arnt going to believe it anyway but they kept doing it and pushed back our recovery.

No point in being scared although it's perfectly reasonable response.


July 22, 2016

lawyer needed

Social Worker did say we should get a lawyer when we met him and he bonded soo touchinly with controversial junior doc after we brought him in cause we were in a fool in crisis. We sent an email to one who sent one back telling us to look else where. The thought of explaining it all, hoping the too honest parts dont come out and undermine whatever ground we have made by talking about rituals, or programming, pits of dead kids or famous people. Think we have to though. There is no point in shoulds, or wishes or if onlys and it would be better if we went into Monday's meeting with a lawyer but it would always of been better if we had felt safe enough to send Pabs to school in June or had gotten out the UK or at least the area so we would be with him tonight and tomorrow.

We havent scored, havent cut, havent took more gabapentin, havent smashed anything, didnt take all 3 pass meds in a oner, just took some cocodomal and some more four hours later, went and got our hair cut from a local hairdresser who knew straight away we were giving her much the same BS as last time, cept this time there was added BS about our son being "with friends", we dont like her cuts especially for the cash she takes and the lack of time she takes. Next time we will remember to go else where. Ate fish and chips. Emailed advocacy. Drank some wine. Still feel like time has been turned back by being told our discharge is further than we were told earlier in the week. That same impatientness that wants to turn to self harm. That same sense of utter voiceless and powerlessness and invisibility and pointlessness in the face of institutionalised nationalised violence, corruption, ignorance and cover up.


We've survived worse right?

Monday morning we start calling lawyers. And right now we try on our outfit for the review.

We mentioned SRA to the psychologist. Still mental if we doing shit like that huh?









What do you mean by asking that same question?

"What do you mean by trafficking?"

How many fucking times have I been asked that in the last three and a half weeks.. It's still being sold and transported around for sex and abuse. Same as it was every other time we've been fucking asked.

She said some positive regards to access to Pabs which of course is the social works decision and not her's anyway. Then she said she hoped I would be being discharged the week after next. Not next week like she said last time. She asked if there was any questions but as we had just explained again what trafficking means to educated adult who asked us the exact same question last days before and gave a brief talk on our experiences of said trafficking, Savile, hospitals, Jersey and even mentioned the BBC (premises not employees. obvs) and knew we had a weekend pass we just needed the fuck out of there.

Unsurprising we have a massive desire/need to score some weed but as we are under a Schodinger's pee test type situation (or just denying ourself what we need cause we are being crushed by British social work and the NHS and are so fucking triggered and so fucking terrified of them both due to a life time of bad and very bad experiences) we bloody wont.

Have emailed the social worker who got back to us saying we will probably get to see him on his birthday though..

We managed not to cry in the hospital, on the bus, scored ourself a bunch of junkfood then when we got in the taxi fucking Snowpatrol were playing (light up, light up as if you have a choice ..yada yada). Picked the shit of the floor cause Princess puss doesnt like pooping in the try, only next to it. Climbed up here and under blankets and now we are weeping.

Everytime we put our hand above our head when relaxing on the ward bed and feel the metal against out wrists we have to stop immediately because we remembered being tied up in hospitals on hospital beds in that position..

Oh well best we keep you here for another week then my dear..

She isn't Saviley her junior (DID is a controversial diagnosis but Delusional Disorder in sexual abuse survivors isnt said with a smile who the social worker liked is you got it back next week) is another case.

Hopefully when I get back after the review with the social work review on Monday I can press the need to be released sooner rather than later better...(!!)

Maybe I should be getting a lawyer and another institution who we have little but bad experiences with to the mix?

Not's not true we got help with our benefits from British lawyers.. ....

Niall is coming down tomorrow we wish he wasnt cause when we say the doctor has pushed it back another week he will say something offensive about maybe the doctors are right cause they are the doctors and therefore should be trusted. He's never faced up to anything horrific, ever.











July 21, 2016

Wrong circumstances, right direction

Highly likely the days of trying process all the massive amounts of trauma, terror and bullshit from our teeny tiny phone will soon be over. How long it will be till dude is interrupting us or sleeping soundly downstairs is another matter.. Social worker doesn't always return calls. Doesn't help. Hate the whole social worker approach of looking out for the interests of a child by not returning the calls of a loving parent. How can he observe and assess our parenting without contact, how can contact be arranged if he does not return calls. 'Quicker than they expected" he said when I told we would be out soon.. 'They' being docs who are not my consultant who went on leave and us of course, we knew with food and respite we would be much better very quickly. Nurses dont like him much. He called them to confirm what I told him over the phone when he had already been told by them..

I have emailed him now. Getting our written words to people who have horrific levels of power over us back. We are strong enough to badger. Clothes for review have been bought if not tried on. Hair dressing appointment booked, heels still to be purchased. We may even apply a small amout of war paint.. Treat it like a job interview.. Im sure we can be confident they will say something that we upset us so we will not appear too emotionaly detached.. 

Ridicoulous society.. Through and through..

Hoovered up a lot of cat hair today and made the worst of the stinky carpets better. Maybe too tired for fear.

Night Stina. Thank you for kind offer and wonderful words they give us lots of hope in many hard times.


Toothless

Time with a psychologist and a psychiatrist in the a.m. Not expecting that. Twice our morning cup of tea went cold. Nothing horrible to report happy for assessments and sessions to continue .. as an outpatient.. which we will be .. most likely .. next week .. fuck yeah..

To scared to sleep because of nightmares though. An evil doctor eating and steeling our teeth, there was someone breaking or attempting to break someone elses neck we don't feel that needs to much analysing.. Some of us are scared of the Family in the Doom, now that we are getting help and are not a utter wreck when comes to functioning in the outside world as it is though. The Family in Rotty to, or rather Margo's brother for similar reasons. We might run in to verbal nastiness from others and we are not going to say that will be no bother but there is more fear for up the road. We have pretty much put our feelings for the bairns up there on a fucking shelf but the chances of us saying something that might mean someone has to attempt a professional legal duty is higher the longer we are talked to.

It's certainly not conscious. The "dont say that they might act on it" it hides itself behind "dont say that they will call you psychotic and delusional" and "whats the fucking point authorities are either in on it or utterly unprepared and powerless". We still know its there though. We are often close to being back to whenever and wherever the detailed instructions after lots of major traumas when specific dos and donts where given. Which of means the aspects of us that survived it all enough to still be conscious enough to make the long term memories and not just receive the instructions is getting stronger and reaching out and engaging little by little with the rest of us.

On the other hand though, this means nightmares and deep fear brought to the surface.

Teeth, crumbling teeth though.. so many dreams and nightmares and we know its common as fuck. That bastard mouth wash ad man. No way are buying that shit if thats how the advertise it.. Often in the past they have stopped because we got to lucid. Oh we have another teeth falling out dream, or oh dont worry we have money we will get new ones..

Ok. Associates.

Ageing. Fear of powerlessness over physical ageing and the passing of time in general. Fair enough. Fear of the pain of dentist visits even if they are good, its not any fun. Unprocessed abuse in dentist settings. Sick to the back teeth, toothless meaning not bite, no fight left, or never having had any to begin with. Tooth also rhymes with truth and Booth who were an family in the Glen. We have at different and probably sometimes the same time been told to either not brush or to brush. Vanity, gendered desire to be young and pretty, a more general social need to be attractive or at least palatable and for sure most of out truths are not. We use our teeth to speak, to annunciate gotta be relevant. gift horses.. hmm feel creeped out thinking about that saying and not just because Laura's bairns Dad used it to in relation to PsychoSis and her ex. She has had a more bother with her teeth than we have. Sick to the back teeth. Dream therapist would and probably has said something about which teeth it is. Often starts at the back and we have lost and are loosing our back teeth, we said once "ah thats why its called salad days because thats the only time you can eat salad" when we tried to much down on lettuce with gums and gaping hole after one had been removed.  Some drugs make you grind your teeth, as does stress and repression.. Repressed shit coming out.. we like that.. would like to keep as many of our remaining molars if possible..

Theres more though.. for another night. What else has teeth? We immediately think of electronics.

It was a very cold, scary dream. Without lucidness. So cold and everyone else in the dream cold or violent. Gangs were mentioned hence the murder or attempted murder it was sloppy. Hmm may be getting some where there to. Dentists records are used to identify people. NHS dentists used to be part of the school system. Issues surrounding our ID and the faking, manipulating of records. What did we fight out? And of course - Jersey.

We could of been a much better parent to ourself and junior if we had just a bit more support.. He is almost nine, we feel like we both have missed out on so much.

Supertired now.

Gute nicht..

  

July 19, 2016

the worst is over for us

We will be togther again soon. Its so hard though. This is a place of safety. Thats a big part of why we are here. They would not try to harm Pabs or me when we are here and he is there to high a chance of that resulting in evidence, evidence that would be recorded by people who count, evidence that might even be acted on. Like we said to the social worker. He doesnt give us ring triggers or fears, or his foster carer. And that is the result of a lot of peoples hard work. I feel much more able to be aware of dangers when i just have one flesh to take care off. Our littles needed respite from isolated single parenthood. We have had that and now we are surronded by people who are much iller than us, people who cant read or dont care about there effect on others. People who talk at me and not to me. Who dont do conversations, they do ranting, moaning..

There is good people to and we have numbers of friends which is we had before, just a bit of human contact would most likely of stopped things from getting so bad..

How do you consent to treament when there is none. We need to be at home to build ourself up, to deal with the house. There are charities that could help. Another patient told us about them. Occupational therapy has been around for other people and we have asked for referals but its three weeks now. The occupational therapy i want is to being sorting out good habits at home, chucking stuff out, cleaning, painting..

Miss him so much. Its going well i know. Everyone happy with my progress. But doc said the ward is for very ill people. I do not feel or act very ill anymore..

Hate how people are inbetween me and Pabs. Hate that the inquires were whitewashes.

Focus on the positives. We slept upstairs at home last night. Terror and nightmare free. We have gotten through the worst of the triggers and the programmed parts have eased, faded or grown.

Tomorrow we research support while waiting for doc, call from social worker. Lots of positives. That fact that we want, hope and expect for so much more is not a negative. Fuck no.

Miss him so much..

We did the right thing. Didnt even just ask for the painkillers. We asked for a chat to. She was ok. The ready to go conversation and how it makes sense to not rush it. Back to feeling so weepy. Entirely natural though.. We dont want to not feel the effects of our past our present but we just dont want it to control every waking second like it us. We want to feel other things to and we are beginning to.

Of course we still feel for people we havent seen in a year and in the ridiculous horrific obscene and bloody incidents that is the norm when survivors and fellow battlers are around. There are parts of us that never stop believing often blindly that its safe now. Or that it doesn't matter because the isolation is killing us anyway so whatever punishment would be worth it.

Mindfulness.
Serenity
Bigger Picture

We still love. Still hope. Still yearn and believe in so much better than we have usually have. We smile easy. So many can't or won't.

Lots of positives.

Its gonna be great when we are back together.

July 16, 2016

much better

Thank you so much Stina. There are times when we would not write if it wasnt for your comments. Thank you for reminding us there is humanity out there, humans with the guts to not look away, the hearts strong enough to not dismiss the unpleasant and minds deep enough to know that we will always be victims always be abusers when we let outside forces determine what has value and what can be true.

We will hopefully redraft that..

Think the cleaners are the only staff members who have not asked how the hour of access went.. We are glad (we think) that they know whats going on. Its been visable a few times in quite a few of the nurses and care assistants an automatic parental empathy and fear of exhaustion and crisis leading to the crisis of estrangement and powerlessness.

We are truly starting to love our home though. Its not "the house" like it always has been no matter how much we worked on it. The jobs we couldnt do will be done. Of course we need the overnight passes or discharge for a lot of it though. At the moment though we are enjoying the bus ride on the twisty wee roads with everything in bloom.

We are most anxious here. Shops, public transport even waiting for public transport are ok to fine. In here its a different story. Without cannabis we are waking up distressed from nightmares every night are treating it with chocolate buttons which seems to be working and not too worried that we will develop half asleep night eating habits..

We are not planning on buying or trying to buy on our first night out. We have no idea how scared, paranoid, at risk we will be.. There is only the one set of keys. There used to be two. That is a genuine concern espically with the shit bag landlord who isnt going to be changing any locks any time soon.

Locks are a bit of a mental thing sometimes though arent they.. CID have them we believe, cause thats what they said.. We think. FFS.

To end on a positive note though we are a shit load more healthy than we were a few weeks a go, calmer, stronger, browner, we brush our teeth twice a day and scrub and moisturise daily, bought fucking nail polish today.. Its a pale greeny colour..

:-D

July 15, 2016

coping much better with crowds

Raining hard today. Went for a walk with another woman earlier on, its was good. Didnt feel all that uncomfortable when she asked how many kids we have and the honest answer came back. "Don't know".

Seeing the lad was great except for the wait because they got lost on the way and the look on his face as they left. Heartbreaking.

Bit worried we might of fucked things up by writing too much non relevant stuff on the care review form that was in the house when we got there.. Anyhow its posted. As is our application for free bus travel. Something that we can be assured is part of our future. Its a real thing. The abuse from Oshun was a real thing but not in the same way. It would probably help our self respect if we wrote down some our issues with the way we were treated and posted it to Dundee health board. It could also possibly trigger more physical abuse or the fear of it also.

Swear to god if she sighs like that one more fucking time we are not going to strangle her. Hate it when we come in from our walks & we are feeling great and hopeful and alive and she says something, the same things she is always saying about how bad she feels and we have not let it destroy the happy place we have worked hard to find in ourself.

Jesus psychiatrict hospitals are no place for the emotionaly vulnerable.

You are a help dear Blogger.


July 12, 2016

for ze ousband

Its not like i dont have paper and pen. But we dont get much sense of a connection with anyone or anything with that. Its was good to go home and see with fresh, different eyes not the ones we had two weeks ago. It will do fine. The sense of not needing to be here along with just not wanting to is stronger. The house needs work and we at last feel ready and excited for without feeling that to do so to want to is a total betrayal of everything we are and have ever been.

Their are so many good people in here but we dont share much in the way of sense of humour, politics or experiences anything else that matters the most to us.. Good people are good people none the less though.

Bloody scared about what tonight will bring. Its getting us tearful seeing others spliff up. It would help our post cleaning and traveling pain. Definitly help with nightmares. We can hang on though. For a bit longer anyway!

It was nice being on the wee bus going through Fife in July. Took over a fucking hour though and £25  taxi ride in. Not doable everyday. Do what we can do here tomorrow and rest. See what develops.

Btw where are you you useless cunt.

July 11, 2016

One day closer to rights and choices

So sick of all the clash of the personality disorders, people with mental health issues laughing, judging and being intolerant of the mental health issues of others. Some doc is back today and is disgarging heaps of folk whether they like it or not. He isnt our doc though. Dont have the same omg they are never going to let us go feeling, got longer passes. Will be heading back home asap and back here to eat and sleep. Doesnt sound to depressing Atm. A hell of a lot less depressing that all the bitching, moaning and crapiness going on here.

We know we need to start being more confident with the nurses. Easy said. We are self assured, comfortable and confident with NHS psychiatrict nurses.. We are confident, self assured and comfortable around NHS psychiatrict nurses..

Darg.


Ok. Maybe the drugs do work

Sunday

The dreams had us unsettled in the night but we tired enough from the early mornings and the walking we went back to sleep okay. There is nothing to be gained by "what's next" ing ourself. We have to deal with what we have, the threat of sectioning if we discharge ourself, junior under a court order and the house in Glenrothes that we need doctors permission to visit.

What utter grimness. But more hopeful grimness that we have had for a year in terms of our mental and emotional health. Talked to him today on the phone, the line wasn't very clear and we really struggled to make him out. Hate not knowing what they are telling him. Very glad they are getting him active. We know the feeling of him slipping away is natural in all the immediate and wider circumstances and doesn't mean its true. What a shitty culture we live in where we could of came into existence, where our life so far experiences could of happened, where this could be happening. To put us under the care and 100% under the power of the NHS and Scotland's child

At least we held the fuckers off until after Margo was gone so he is in foster care and not with any Johnston's.

We have another family in here who are not Johnston's and who we do not associate with all the horror.

Monday.

Positive progress is positive progress.
;-D

July 09, 2016

Homeward bound ( I wish I was)

Want fuck all to do with the extra drugs folk are getting in. Dont want to know. Dont want to see. Definitly dont want to smell. We are even missing our hot chocolate to avoid it. And its fuck all to do with piss test another patient has said we will have to take before we get to see Pabs again. Even if its true.

Neither do we want fuck all to do with other patients abuse stories. For obvious fucking reasons.

Want fuck all to do with the narcasist that has pissed of every woman in here and they are all or almost all much more people persons than we are.

Appart from that its going well. Worried that the staff may think we are partaking because we can genuinly say we are "good" when asked how we are.

Seriously though. Been thinking about the house and dealing with it when we get out for a while or for good. All the shit we couldnt face. The cupboards. The carpets. Painting the living room. We dont want to burn the place down anymore. We want to make it nicer. Would still incinerate the landlord if possible though. And the leaking roof in our bedroom. We cant fix that and neither can the roofer because the landlord wont pay for it to be properly fixed.


The other two woman who were in this dorm before we arrived remind us of Margo and Laura, in terms of ages, build and temprament. Even hair!

Not too much that we are creeped out buy it. Triggered of course by the L like woman and her stories and drug dependancies.

When we do get back to the house at least we can eventually know we will be passed that horrible programming that was going on with the masonic nasties male GPs. Everytime we walked in their rooms we felt ourself leave. Cunts.

Piss test us all you like. We were outa there at the first smell of pollen not wanting any extra pills either. Not happy about having to knock back the gabapentin and the other stuff in the little medicine cups. Not going to be adding more.

Other stuff is helping. But the rest and food and change of scenery may be doing the most of the work. But not all of it.

Anyhoo we are leaving hospital grounds tomorrow with Niall. I suspect we will handle it fine. Then next week we can see about passes to find out how we would cope with the house.. They probs wont let us go next actual week though. Of course. But maybe we will get to meet Pabs somewhere. I really hope so. Really, really hope so.


They have




July 06, 2016

as wanted as..

Ransom isnt? Shut the fuck up about Savile and rings or you will never see the one baby we let you keep again.

Doc today was talking Occupational therapy, psychologist over psychiatry and how better we seem and thats all good but i dont when i will see Pabs again.

Its hard accepting everyone you ever loved that isnt a child have fuck all respect for us and our work.
People so fucking scared of change, so easily bought, so easily fooled by fascism as long as it makes a bit of effort to appear otherwise.

I want home. Not to any of the satanic planets of course coz we destroyed them (your welcome cunts) and released the mines but that other one.. The quality one.. You knights templar tools can keep this one .. Might have to sterilise you all though cause its so abusive down here..

What's worse than a fart in space suit folks? Vomit in your space helmet.

Vivid imagination.. At least someone here has one..

Better quality of nightmare, set outside Britain in our museum. Technical details, secret messages written on CDs.. U see only once u do something then apply a dark light, then the words on the disk can be seen. U register them and get points but you loose points to if u register the same message. All the stuff we dug up over years, and other real history stuff.. The pictorial language on the stones are still quite vivid. Was it stone? Or concret stuff.. Like on the deserted planet.. It was our building. That cheered us up so did one of our guys turning up, Polish the dream said but that might be about something else, whitish looking dude with a breard. Someone maybe him said something about someone "holding up" a motrway. Not in a holding back the traffick kind of way, in a incased in concrete kind of way, there was lots of laughter in the dream. We kept starying at one of the shapes in the stone.. Shaped like a person, in the angular simple style. Things were bad there, we were destroying stuff at times.. Ppl there who werent safe for us.

What did we do with all that Cortez gold? It wasnt for helping any flesh but this one.

2 out of 4 of the other women sleeping in this room are snoring badly but at least the lass down the corridor has stopped shouting.

Anne is around. She ez not appy..


July 05, 2016

Staying Alive

Cheers Stina.

Got to speak to Pabs over weekend, he sounded good, lots of stuff around him that he likes, beach, park, xbox one.. Spoke to social worker today to and his whole tone was different with us and that was a massive relief to. Actually able to relax a bit and the other patients are mostly all sound.

When you add it all up its a lot of years of trauma and fuck all recovery and we couldnt soldier on any more, espically now the links with the fake family real horror stories have been broken with the death of Margo and the loss of spider monkey and snot boy to said fake family real horror stories and them of course not wanting the kids to stay in touch..

When they were down for Margo's funeral Bill and Nathan were talking about all the ppl who have died and Bill looked over at me and said something like 'but your still here' we had an easy answer, 'not exactly on the same side are we Bill'.. We knew they were trying to scare us. A few words of everything.. didnt make much difference.. Horrific existance..

Anxiety levels are getting down to what they were before we came in.. Maybe lower because the pressure of buying and preparing food has gone. Still to skinny for our liking though we cant lean back against the plastic chairs in out door smoking garden because of our bonny spine.. :-(

We are waiting to hear back from an advocay service and have had enough concentration to read a whole book!