August 31, 2016

It's September tomorrow

We often have to take a break from the books when we start getting clearer pictures of abusive outside DID management. So often we are not phobic of the trauma parts as there are parts who are phobic about the consequences if they don't stop amnesiac and non amnesiac parts from interacting. We worked through so much but then they would push us back again, in the hospital of course was the last time, there were phone calls and people turning up that we couldnt handle without outside help. When we came round and they were putting a noose around our neck, was the closest but there were other times to. Parts were flashbacking and blind didnt know what was going on. If it wasn't for the kid screaming I'm not sure where we would of got the will from to fight hard enough. She did though and we did and are still here to vaguely write about it and how quickly we switch from lost child to omg im so glad you just tried to kill me i was totally loosing the will to live there..

She's alright she stays connected to parts that feel quite spiritual and they help her not loose her self and the rest of us with her in nihilistic sarcasm.  Through their designs and our own work trauma parts don't come alone. They of course want them to all come with very powerful critics or whatever keeps them in a state of panic and most likely to make other parts be phobic and abandon them. It was amazing to hear what we have done with that system. Instead of someone spouting and showering hate on them triggered parts hear the voices or see pictures of whatever calms or lifts them. Instead of a fighter part being told "good girls don't fight" and "you know what they are going to do you for that." we hear voices saying well done for keeping us safe and trying to make them laugh to bring them out of flashback. To have other people around to help us with us its always so good but have to mourn the loss of so much more when it's over. The more you stay the more I'll get better and the more I'll be able to fight.. Everything is almost always ridiculously complicated and everyone has major post trauma conditions and ongoing traumatic relationships that have everyone trying to keep their chins above water though all the endless intentional triggering of the most programmed of the trauma holders.

It is worth reminding ourself that there was a lot of all kinds of trauma on the ward and we had to focus of getting out so trying to remember or make sense of any of took a back seat. "Please don't be human to us if you know you are going to leave us here." It's an old line but we used it in the hospital but I think it might of been from a place that thought she was still on a Savile ward there was a lot going to to encourage her to think that. We managed to remind her he was dead and we made a statement about him and that helped her a lot, she was so proud of us. It didn't matter that we gave the statement to an abuser and the police were almost all still abuser controlled, she knew that she was just so glad we had done everything we could.  When she calmed a part that must of been stuck behind her joined the conversation about doing things that make you feel like you haven't abandon yourself because the worst of the depression and the way programmers get in is by finding parts that feel hated or ignored by all other parts. We pretty much knew this but she said it so eloquently and so humanely many where quite in awe of her until someone walked in the bay and said something. We really resented the interruption.

Someone definitely found a way in during programming to make us triggered by being left into feeling completely used and abandoned by everyone. There was a lot to us that we couldnt and wouldnt let the Brit rings or the worst of the American's know about so had to keep parts amnesiac and this led to those who had no experience of these other worlds feeling very abandoned. They really had nothing and no one and are too hurt to be able to understand why we couldn't help them, as we are too hurt now to be able to understand why we have been left alone.












Abandonment

Whatever we write about there is also more detail and more extreme content in our minds. There are so many no go areas in terms of what we can think about and what we can write. Saying that though even in terms of just what written there isnt any sense of being in any kind of family unit/home in the really early years and if you don't have parents you can't be abandoned by them. Of course we felt it and trusted people but learned very early that any care given was either grooming and from someone only doing so because they were instructed to or from another slave who might mean to be safe but certainly couldn't stop much harm from coming to us. Bonds between slaves can be very strong though especially between a child and and a adult in a vault/institute/warehouse.  Some of the Scottish memories are Louise's or other girls we were all forced to imagine over and over that something we saw or where shown was us using drugs and DID management can give you really strong memories of being somewhere you weren't or doing something you didtn't years later.

We felt abandonment of course when hurt and alone in a cage, during assaults and procedures or when being hidden somewhere for a long time during travel but it didn't take a hold of us until later. The real sense that we were always going to be a slave and always going to be subjected and extremely abused didn't take a hold of us so deeply until the Brits had us under their domestic scene and the pressure to forget everything else was full time. There was to much change and to many good bonds even if we didn't see them much there was communication but this go so much harder in the early nineties. Somehow it all was lost and the rapists and the breeders and the torturers had us full time. There was always that difference between British and American agents, the Brits did much of the worse most destructive work on people while the American's did much more grooming and we felt such hate and abandonment  for the American's who had gained our trust when we were little while working to put us in permanently in the worst of the sex slavers, breeders, domestic abusers and traffickers. The situation was to bad for "when this gets out they will be in so much shit from our friends" to survive twenty something years ago.

When we get down it the real sense of abandonment is probably more on the systems that caused to exist and live through so much torture and the abusers rather than blaming other slaves or specific slavers for to long. We know we use this to avoid looking at how we feel people may of or did let us down badly. Too kept like that and raped with no way to escape you loose all real sense of a connection to anything before or outside of what is happening. 

August 30, 2016

Thriving

We haven't done much today. Got Pabs off, crawled back into bed, no books or writing this morning. We have been thinking about Baby Malcolm. It would of been obvious that was where we were heading that way with the stuff we have been working with. Integrating Baby Malcolm's existence with parts that came into being since then and reaching out to ones still stuck there.  It's was that that made us Scottish that got us in this state where we can't escape a sense of being victimised, hated and powerless and if we remember anything its only ever the bad.

  It was kinda cool in the hospital to go trigger big Malcolm a few times then take out our phone and ask again, "Where's the baby?" and see his flashback vanish and him smile as a child again and point to Pabs picture. "There's the baby." We did so well the to of us looking after and hiding him as two dissociated slave mental kids for as long as we did. He was thriving, we were thriving. Neither of us of has since. The autopsy guy used the word like Pabs health visitor used to, thriving. After he said it during the autopsy and over Malcolm all butterflied out he looked up at us and said something about it not being just that that made him think there was something different about this compared to all other kids I had taken to him. Then he looked at the guy and it clicked and he told us to get the fuck out the suite and we came to briefly and said something about not being well but what else could we do? Think we might of fainted and were carried out babbling after that but not sure we might of just turned turn round and walked out in the same haze we walked in.






August 29, 2016

back to looking at the vast mountain range that is everything and everyone we need to grieve

Cancelled the CPN. She isnt the one in Dundee who laughed at our disclosers and said it was ridiculous when we said we were trafficked by DJs and involved in the Dundee rings herself. Still though. Not travelling and spending money to present them with an opportunity to push us down. Rather stay home with duvet and books and get some actual positive work done.

As well as read about inner and outer critics and grieving we swept and washed the kitchen floor then went for a pokehunt after school. Wish our outer critic would get off wee man's case. We know she is covering up for all the anger we feel about everything we went through with him at the hands of other people and everything we went through apart to. We don't know what to do with that anger. We know she is flashbacking to times when no matter what we were put through the night/days before we were expected to look after other children the next day. We know she is flashbacking to the abandonment felt as child who was not only being physically, sexually and emotionally abused she was also pregnant and kept away from any healthcare and felt the abandonment and fear for the unborn to. They told her how they were going to rape and abuse and sometimes kill the baby to. That is the state we find ourself in so often. Extreme helplessness, Extreme abandonment and a brain that can't or wont tell me how to save myself and my young it's too busy dissociating and fighting itself.

 Junior is a reminder of the lives they didn't have and we feel guilty that they didn't, he is also a reminder of duty and how we have to fill his needs as a child before or own and feel that is just what abusers expected of us to, if the children didnt behave properly is was sometimes us that was punished, he is of course a reminder of the life we didn't have he is nine and we feel very sure that is about the age the pregnancies stated for us, we hate ourself for not being able to have prevented his existence and not being able to keep him safe or find him somewhere safe or meet all his needs. We are stuck in the moments when we got him back and knew he was different to the one we let stay with family or the one took from us. A lot of terror we can't shake off. A lot of resistance to being close to him. Why have they left us alone and together? They only do that when they are planning something that requires me to have bonded and feel safe and empathise with whoever they have left me with..Just can't shake off that holding room feeling.

We keep still wanting you and then being sad that we your not here then scared that us wanting you might make you turn up when your dangerous and not safe for us to be around. Rings work so hard to mess with all the grieving processes. If they think you have accept any lose they will try and give you taste of the past again or what might of been just to keep you steeped in false hope. We learned a lot about what healing meant and what it needed and how it worked by seeing what the emotional abuse was aimed at and doing the opposite of whatever we were told to do.






August 28, 2016

The abandonment depression.

Well this weekend shows we have a long way to go when it comes to managing our time and energies. We are tired out from housework anyway but have probably gone a little to far with the reading and writing and not far enough with the pokemon hunts and engaging wee man. It's not just the perfectionism drive to get approval from ourselves and outside sources at how quickly we can remember and work our self out again its the urgency drive to. We know that when we are in a state of mind that can do something well or can focus and repeatedly come back to something without having to force our self that it wont last for long. We need to make the most of it before we dissociate differently, we are traumtised again or might die and loose the ability to do whatever we are doing. We were hiding in the book and the writing today to hide from feeling unable to do some of the things we wanted to do with his this weekend.

We don't expect to deal with the critic and doom monger that trigger us so much around dude to disappear overnight now that we understand more about how and why they are so triggered and triggering but we do think it will get better. We hate so much that he gets exposed to the critic to and get stuck on a loop being utterly unforgiving to ourself for not being able to hide it from him which just makes the critic even louder and all consuming. We skipped over the part in Walker's book that goes in depth with the four fs. We are remembering to clearly the scenes where people tried and sometimes managed to take control over these instincts and direct the nature of the cptsd or even micro manage responses to planned traumas and stresses. What we don't feel particularly phobic about is facing the goddam inner critics.

There is a daily one who is bad enough but there is also another one that only comes out during non "day to day" events who is even scarier. We were up against him/her last in the hospital we have no clear recollection of what we were doing but we would take a guess it would be to do with contacting people and disclosing. We say she/he because they shift the voice depending on what ever scares the beejus everyone the most and s/he boasts about being able to do just that. We had answer's worked for her though we could glimpse all the times she had laid as low and it was devastating but then we started having a sense of talking to a bunch of blokes in like an aircraft hanger and felt our sense of self raise and told s/he that it was the collect voice of a violent and sadistic abuse ring and all the fear and terror they had caused but on this occasion we were not going to listen.

we actually wrote "carrier" there (then went WTF and deleted it) maybe should of just let it be.. Dropping the military/technical/science part phobias.. there will be many WTFs before we deconstruct the cynic, the critic, and all the fs that cause us to WTF over own work and feel utterly unable and not allowed to understand any or all of that work (while of course feeling like we must ASAP)..

We are on tooth fairy duty tonight and are feeling sad for ourself. We were pregnant and still loosing baby teeth but we weren't completely alone another victim was with us. He was all split to and would try and look after us sometimes. We would be so scared we would get to attached to him because we knew they would be planning something with us or they would not be leaving us together so much and whatever it was was going to be awful. Not sure what is planned for us both next but we don't feel like we will be dragged along behind our own nervous system and learned responses like we have been. It was when they took you away that the only good thing about waking up where we were had gone. It went on forever. Long enough that its the main part of the "abandonment depression" (p159) during the other times because we would find hope somewhere but not in Scotland without you after all that and with all that was going on.

emotional flashbacks

We are loving Walker's Surviving to Thriving..

Particularly the stuff about "emotional flashbacks" and these being a huge thing with Cpstd defined as "sudden and often prolonged regressions to the overwhelming feeling-states of being abused/abandoned child." (p.3). We understand our D.I.D being stages beyond Cptsd and where these emotional flashbacks have been constantly triggered so that this state of "overwhelming fear, shame alienation, rage grief and depression" and very easily triggered flight or flight instincts become the norm. We have been told that it is only when we are in these highly emotional traumatised states that we are "ourself" because it seems the only rational response to everything we have been through and everything that is going on. As aspects of us have felt is we are not in constant state of emotional flashback we are not honouring the dead, taking part in a culture of silence or making it easy for abusers to reach us because the only alternative to being in a severely stressed state is believed to be total amnesia because there is so many phobias in trauma holding parts.

Also of course was relieved of course to read the bit about misdiagnosis and how if post traumatic conditions were correctly diagnosed the DSM would be a much lighter tome (p.8) and how learned behaviours are not "innate characterological defects" and can be unlearned the labels people like me are diagnosed with which are "incomplete and unnecessarily shaming" (p9). It's so validating to know other people are seeing and experiencing the world in similar ways to us especially on the matter of psychiatry which triggers so many hard to get out of trauma states and emotional flashbacks for us.

Been about thinking the fight/flight/freeze/fawn response and about how the worst emotional states come under those four nervous system responses. Parts of us are involved in choosing which response is appropriate in any emergency and its control of those parts that abusers aim for. Walker says "these four modes become elaborated into entrenched defensive structures that are similar to narcissistic [fight], obessive/compulsive [flight], dissociative [freeze] or codependent [fawn] defences (p.13). When we read this we can see how the time and procedures where shared out between abusers to split us up permanently along these lines in ways that only they would have keys to inner communication and integration.

More chocolate and caffeine are required..




books are good

Quite heavy work that listing and identifying parts. We can feel how much some feel like they haven't been included. Like most of the non English speakers, scientific and technical parts who experience levels of integration and system awareness that we can't imagine from here. Seeing us write that we feel how left out they feel helps them. Knowing that you don't know parts of yourself who have complex lives and loves and the deep estrangement this creates is an emotional state we know we have been told to stay in and be triggered to return to often. We also know we have made commitments that need high levels of integration to be able to meet.

It's worked out really well Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving arriving. There is plenty of work to do at the level of thinking about complex trauma without remembering all the instructions and grooming it feels safer to be thinking in more general terms about how Complex PTSD works with or without ritual abuse and DID managers. Really liking it. Liking being in a place where there isn't total phobia about the complex ptsd, the DID and everything accept for denial, avoidance states and emotional states.

When we have read cptsd stuff before one of the things that made it impossible because the often talk about family homes and parents. The role they talked about interms of seeking acceptance is one that in our world best fitted the people who were training and programming but we were phobic of thinking about our childhood where "parents" meant a network of people involved in abusing, enslaving children and older or adult slaves. The denial day to day response is to think about the Scottish family which was of course a toxic and horrifically abusive environment. As neither response was acceptable to the parts that are perfectionist because neither are preciously "true", normal and acceptable, inclusive enough. .. So many different ideals of perfectionism to try and maintain. How many "parents" were we trying to get acceptance from? Awful.

We are beginning to be able to see all as "true" to different parts of us and accept their histories and not to catastophise so much when we can not figure out when they are from, we have figured our a lot and more will work itself out as long as we keep looking after our self and over time.

We are eating and drinking a lot of chocolate and. Even been dabbling in coffee again. It's a lot to have survived and a lot to process. We wouldn't say we are confident of everything that did and didn't happen in the hospital but we feel we are getting a better understanding of it. Slowly of course. We can't bully parts into giving up their histories like outside people have.

Time for more cake... and coffee..

August 26, 2016

The ones they can't reach and the ones we can't protect.

What else have we got? Speakers, there is a strong sense often when we make statements or are in meetings of this is my job and I believe and love my job whenever we speak.  I think they are parts that grew out of other much more trauma stuck parts after being helped and showed how by outside people. They encouraged us to look at parts and see what they needed and introduce them to other parts so they could support each other. So a part that was forced and trained to feel and hear nothing but questions and do anything to answer them for abusers who had the keywords and procedures so only they could bring them out and putting them away could grow being part of a group who were eloquent and very good at receiving information but not at other parts expense like a petrified isolated E.P would.

Think from here we see parts that are "allowed" or can be seen and parts that are supposed to only influence or help but never speak or show themselves. Many of them of them were created for jobs through the ritualised torture and keep themselves behind the scenes because they feel their traumas would be too much for most other parts and because the some of structures forced on parts during all the decades of torture and mental abuse are still present and still very much being triggered. There is at least one who will come out, speak and does know a lot about what is good for us but not always individual parts of us but day to day parts are mostly used to her swanning around doing pretty much whatever she likes because she usually knows what she is doing and understands where she has been when the rest of us know we have no idea what she has been through and how she managed to survive and thrive after.

Of course when this kind of trafficking where people force and instruct victims into having specialist parts to do all kinds of jobs who are supposed to be E.Ps but it doesn't always work like that. We can see the outside systems gave us a lot of helping these parts integrate but can remember how awful it feels when they are not. There are outside bastards who like to try and force us into the states we would be in if we never had any help at all and they have the run of the mill here in Scotland it's why we have parts that had to stop our healing skills to protect us from these outside bastards. These parts are now saying they are downing tools because they arn't needed anymore. It's good but we are bit unsure if its because the bastards don't have the power they used to or because we are permanently stuck in a state that the bastards are happy with. Cynical me needs help. But we don't think we have what she needs or can give her what she wants because it's the outside world that made her cynical not us. She wants the outside world to make her less cynical but we will try and think of ways to help her.

Social worker is coming round later. We cancelled pysch yesterday but can't get out of this besides we are enjoying keeping the house clean at the moment and hearing her acknowledge it. It's so much better after the painting and now the anxiety and amnesia is down we can do it feeling like it's just part of our day to day life not all of it. Our mind can wonder and remembers good things that happened and good people when we clean not just the bad and then suddenly finding myself cleaning like I would if being forced to clean when held somewhere. Besides. The bastard fleas and still going for dude and the cats were treated again yesterday so its a good time to hoover. Horrible things.. After we finish our mocha and this of course..



August 25, 2016

"keys"

Rest and appreciate what we have whenever we can.

There is the book case with our books and toys on it. Survivor work books with pages filled in others that took us from a lost place to one grounded and understood. Books relating to our degree. We would to like study again some day and maybe we will do a little reading today or maybe not it's good the books are there either way. There is also the photo of Pablo in the glass work frame in blues because we knew we were pregnant with Pablo but its pretty to thing to have even if we were wrong about who we were carrying. He's in the bath giving huge gummy smiles to his mum taking his picture. There tonnes of meaning and significance to loads of with it of course but it's easy just to appreciate it as a cute picture of a baby. We have colouring books and pens and toys on that book case to. We feel happy and proud to have collected and kept a hold of some many good books and toys. We feel some sadness about books that there is things missing but glad of the good work we have done. There is maybe some concern that we are not strong enough for what we have to do next but that is why it is good that we are resting. We don't want to do everything dissociated any more and the bookcase is full of tools that have helped us be less dissociated and can help lead us to what else we need.

When we can see past the role of the NHS and the triggers that lead to parts being told in the past that helplessness and hopelessness is all they will ever know books can really help. We reading Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation (Boon, Steele Van Der Hart) and am really glad to see us responding to it and not just turning away. It talks about finding anchors and using awareness of objects in the room to help stay present its the kind of thing we do all the time and it becomes automatic. It's good to bring it back into our conscious awareness and focus again. It's good to feel it's safe to be self aware.

We have been looking at chapter three which looks at different parts and starts by differentiating between ones that are responsible for day to day functioning and being in denial and others types that are stuck in the petrifying past. We are really comfortable with the description of types and feel we would like to try and use it to map ourself out better. We can see now how it was parts in combinations that cause us to be really ill and how those combinations are forced together and manipulated. So good to not have that "can't face that" feeling about working ourself out its always comes with sense that we are letting ourself and others down and bad things are happening because we can't face ourself. We know those feeling come from parts who are still in hell and for whatever reason must stop us from doing any work and parts that feel responsible for everything that happens everywhere and we know the specfic moments when patterns took old but we know those traumas are here and other parts and see them. Our abuser imitator parts might be sarcastic about it but out helper parts have reached the hurt and petrified ones and they must be responding to them or we wouldnt be able to read the book so calmly or write this.

Cynicism and sick jokes are the abuser imitator parts we notice the most daily. Our day to day denial parts are iritated usually more than bothered by them they are aware of very central mom/leader type part who us told her something about the system we are in but mostly to not to worry about weird stuff, it's not our job to deal with that. I guess when we are really in a mess and falling apart in all kinds of dissociative types and states its when we cant feel this leader/mom part and are terrified. What happens to her doesn't feel like its the kind of memories that we have now accepted are there and will look at them more if and when we need to. They feel much more hidden, unreachable but of course we do know we have been ritually abused and have remembered  a good bit about what that can involve so that helps us feel less triggered by the amnesia. Shame parts, yep we have shame part/s who seem to come out freeze everything particularly over the amnesia and it being exposed. Rape victim shame we just don't feel like we did sometimes as a child or teenager but amnesia shame. We get it really bad and it of course makes the amnesia so much worse. They forced her to be an in emergency day to day duties part then told her she had to do that job forever when she is a amnesiac shame E.P. No wonder we couldnt cope.

There are definitely messenger parts with us. There are more than one. Some are better are giving information with whatever answer, message or instruction they have and are obviously helper parts to. Others are precocious teens that will only give attitude or silence if parts ask for more information. Think in the hospital a day to day part asked a messeger what was going on we heard a perfect teenage girl meltdown that parts had no problem recognising as themselves to. She expressed what everyone else was thinking at the time "I have no idea and every time I almost fine out something else happens that puts everyone back to square one with no idea who, where or what we are and how the fuck would I know and you not anyway". A mum kicked in eventually and soothed everybody just by talking slowly and confidently and getting everyone to be more mindful.

Book talks about "passive influence", the way "Any part may intrude on and influence the experience of the part that is functioning in daily life without taking full control.." (p26) .. We have a lot of paranoia about that when things are not good. Knowing our senses our perceptions could be being severely messed with. We were born into some very serious situations and all but the most amnesiac and repressed day to day stuff have at least some vague notion of this. Feeling unsure of your senses and unsure of in how much danger your in is also a really unpleasant place to live.

"And most parts that function in daily life are phobic of parts stuck in trauma-time." (p29) Isnt. That. The Truth. We talk all this talk about having DID and its like really cool we have accepted it and are making the most of it but its bollocks. Not that we are not proud of the fact that many of the attempts to trigger us into a trauma state don't work because of the work we do but there is still massive amounts of fear and uncertainty about what we are capable of and who we are. Still know we have no idea how far we would go to avoid something.

The worst phobias for us if we talking about amnesia being the main sign of phobia in the day to day parts is the fighters. The fighters themselves have to be able to get any information they need quickly they are not amnesiac of very much. There are fighters that are from before and after certain breaks and they can be strangers to each other but usually they don't say much and know everything. They are desperate to be seen by the day to dayers they hate the low self esteem and the weakness they feel and also just need their work to keep everyone safe recognised. They do tend to know that there are day to dayers that feel the same way and are desperate to see them but the amnesia is thick. We get little flashes that must be of someone else and have to fight to know anything before its all cleaned up and back to normal. We also speak to parts to do know the fighters though and they carry a heavy burden being the go between parts who for some reason cant reach each other directly but who need to and who keep reaching.

It's not our own violence that is the issue its their history. The switch between being mostly amnesiac and being mostly not we from here anyway can't build any bridges even though we have had to do it thousands of times. We generally have had the attitude that its being very directly abuser enforced because over the years there has been many times we have managed to watch it happening to see how unnatural and forced it sometimes was. We do believe we have been in places and situations where it didn't happen. It's very much a British thing higher end trafficking thing, slaves should never be aware of their own potential.. The greater their potential the more they must not know.

Cunts..

Intoxicated/medicated parts of course not mentioned so far but I think we will.. They can be the go betweens across lands and barriers no other bastard can. There is also that thing of feeling the effects or something you haven't taken. Parts would come to us when we were experimenting asking if they could just be called the name of drug from know on because they wouldn't be coming out without it again. Some meant it to. It's quite tricky trying to give yourself drug enhanced interrogations but we would tape ourself or get someone to ask certain parts questions after taking something to try and find something out.  We stopped experimenting because the day to day parts would fade away to quickly and it would be overwhelming. Something is needed sometimes to help when systems are overwhelmed of course though and when we think about how there was efforts to make sure we had only parts stuck in trauma being making any amnesiac life impossible through violence and control we understand the cannabis use.

So I guess I need to and I am tentatively organising and creating a functioning day to day present and anchored rather than dissociated and amnesiac part and move away from the utterly utterly exhausted trauma holders that through all the constant fucking attacks were forced to attempt to function with day to day responsibilities who are refusing to handover over full time to any parts who don't understand enough about what it means to be us "day to day" and how important it is to be moving away from amnesiac dissociation because of the all round anxiety internally and external vulnerability. It always breaks our heart when we have to from knowing and remembering to not knowing. The last time was in the hospital. It's always horrible having to force yourself under. No fun for anyone who cares about me to see it either.








August 24, 2016

I hate evil - me to

How do I feel it asks. How do I feel after reading about dissociation and being told by such books that I should be working with them with an appropriate therapist.  I feel anger towards the NHS and hundreds or thousands of health service providers that are covering up for Savile and co and every other NHS pay roll rapist. I feel dehumanised that disclosers are labelled as fantasies and delusions and real fear from real experience and understandings about hows rings work are dismissed as paranoias.  I feel very unsafe of course I do. I believe in national health services. I also know British NHS was and is a safe place for abusers and enablers who are not going to care about messing with files, have you seen what they do to people? They love to gloat and prove to you that it doesnt matter who you are and what you do a few words from a ring member in your file and no one will ever trust you even if your words are proven true. The words aren't needed anyway the culture is so seeped in victim blaming and bitter denial they can't help but hate you for speaking out.

He's gone. Of course he is gone. They got him when I was about three or four. Nasty brain damage, tonnes of programming so he could speak and eat, life on rails. His voice and his light went out like so many others but the flesh they keep to toy with and use as a weapon against others stays. As does some of their own words or the words they heard that was important to them at the time of the procedures/assaults. Bertie gloated over being the one who done it and we said yeah we know and wasn't it the reason that Graham did it to him just for the fuck of it and Graham hadn't ever done that before? He didn't have much to say. The victims are rarely given much responses to being told their brains have been seriously physically messed with.

It was a huge lose. He was amazing. Beautiful insight, so clever and funny unbelievable good on stalking and recon and record keeping and they took it all.

Like we've said before through. So many of the feelings are still there. Puberty causes so much brain upheaval anyway that depending on the injury and the situation a lot of healing can happen or could happen. If you were in Scotland in the 90s your injuries and your situation don't make for a lot of hope.

So many of us just refused to get close to any of our babies or anyone encase it happened again but especially junior. It's not like they wouldnt be trying, its what they do and we look very vulnerable sometimes even when we really arn't. They knew they could use him to get our attention, to bring us down, to push us over.

We would be amnesiac somewhere far, far away sometimes and things could be going so well but it would still be there eating away at us, how much we had lost. We would try and blame it on other loses sometimes quite convincingly but sooner or later someone would force it or we had to come back to things even worse than what we imagined they would be without you. It was so hard to not resent you sometimes but the fact that they were waiting for it cravenly helped with that.

It's still going to hurt for a long time but hopefully will start to feel better now.

August 23, 2016

Monday Morning.

We go back to bed and put some music on and come to write be don't feel like we have much left to say and how can that be true? Someone was wondering about the teddy we lowered down with the bomb what was in it. Like the stuff that makes you itchy all over but isnt the stuff they put in you and something like what we are but much bigger and much worse. Made sense to us last night but in the cold grey light of a school day morning nothing makes any sense and nothing has much meaning. Few good meanings anyway. We remember our eyes kept straying to the other lowering straps. Not as good at ignoring the voices as we used to be because we had forgotten where so many of them had come from. Yeah what are those other lowering straps for? Something that made us feel very sick any way and we weren't sure how stable "stable but try not bash it" meant so we needed to focus on what we were doing.

We were confident that the parts that said that would of handed the job to us if they didn't think we could do it. This was real us and it felt great for a bit as we had no problem getting it to whatever depth we had to despite still wondering if it was possible to not do what we had to do next. We weren't sure what aspects of it were ritual abuse DID and what was real and therefore really necessary. There was no where on this place I needed to scout there was no curiosity of any kind. The place was beyond yucky and the longer you spent there no matter what protection you wore you felt it's sickness crawling on your skin. The statues and freezes were nothing compared to whatever it was that made your skin crawl and your mind get increasingly dark the longer you were there. People asked us what is was but we rarely had anything to say to them about it. It crawled on my skin even talking about it and we didnt have to words to explain it usually either.

We felt quite adult when we talked to her. Easier when she stopped projecting the image of us years younger and just showed the light that she was, that was left. We remembered when we were that little and had to or was forced to believe I was exactly that child and that light there now and how we laughed at the Teddy bobbing about in mid air as we carried him up the hill to the opening where they pumped and threw in everything they stole. So many voices and we heard them but could ignore them all. The ones they we would listen to would not be talking to us or about us, we kept them in mind as living the kind of not extreme all the time loving life we might one day lead. We talked for a few minutes mostly how about they pushed people in those reservoirs when they took the lid off in big ceremonies to show people who their suffering was producing and how we always wondered what happened to them. We were jealous even of them because even when we knew nothing we knew that stuff could not be worse than the people.

When we were brought round after being the girl that carried the teddy we were always had more answers than questions and scared the living shit out of the programmer the first time. She went from but how could you know that no one has ever told you that to no that's impossible to I need help in here very quickly. We always knew we knew more about that stuff than all the miners and engineers and programmers and their shadows and masters put together. It talked to us and it wasn't like talking to people or machines it was completely different.  

Social workers. Had not to resent people who talk constantly about providing support but never actually mention or perform any actual support. We find ourself talking about the Delusional Disorder diagnosis again and trying to say there is no support when that is our label. She looks at us like the guy before did whenever we talked about it. Like their minds have been made up about something and they are not interested in anything we have to say on the matter. Or maybe it's the attitude that is found in both abuser and non abuser support services that it doesnt matter what is done to you or what is said about you you have to perform in certain ways and get on with completing duties as if it never happened. We find attitudes towards us that feel or state that justice and safety is not something we should even bother even thinking about very triggering.. Just because it's true doesnt mean it is acceptable.

We can't see how we will ever be strong enough survive those kinds of interactions without it marking us. We are still heart broken about all his psychiatric assessments. "They made me do it" doesn't mean the same now as it does twenty or even ten years ago. And when he did finally get it we were relieved for a friend it wasn't enough for us to be able to pick up the really heartbroken ones who will be rushing to find out if its him whenever our phone makes a noise or someone is at the door. That or to exhausted from heartbrokenness to move at all because they know it isn't him.

Other people helped back then of course they are a distraction in them selves but also because they bring our parts of us that are feel stronger and happier.

He asked I think its all very hazy, what he could do when he realised we were gone and nothing he had said or done had brought us back. Nothing we could do could bring me back. We told him he would have to be there for us when we got out of hospital, as soon as possible. We told him he would have to be here now because we were alone with a child, our head and flesh with visits from social workers and appointments with CPN, psychiatry and child psychiatry all NHS to travel to and we would really need the support to get through all that for as long as it going to go on for.

I think he said he would try.

August 22, 2016

keep letting go

We were both switching in and out of Italian. We knew what we were saying and hearing most of the time but not all, so much of our life is untranslatable to our English speakers, we don't them to be triggered by remembering other better lives we don't give to them anything but definites we have been so close or felt so close to getting away from the British scene before and it almost killed us. We aren't sure we could take another. So many times we felt parts of our self go deathly quiet through so many awful ways, to feel they will be back and we will know them and us as we are with them, so much brighter and happier then have to see and always know in detail how it was taken away, from us, from everyone..

He knew the type of crying it was, little, stripped, cornered, starved us terrified for ourself. We did to. We kept trying to think of lots of other ongoing and recent events that gave us reasons to cry but we kept swinging back to knowing exactly what was the matter.

"You don't think he will be back in time do you Mum?"

"Apparently not.. It's all tied up with the past and what they made us do to each other as little kids."

"It always is in Scotland isn't it? Your relationships in Scotland.. your made to feel like they are controlled by things that happened during the abuse years ago.. and they set it all up.. then .. and .. now."

We were too proud of him to keep feeling as bad as were. "Yeah. It's determinism, Satanic and Ritualised. Slavers and desposts having been using it throughout .. like all the ages." We winced at ourself at turning into a vague teen to our son on the subject of our life's work. There was a little silence. We were lying on our stomach and really noticing how much better we were starting to feel, we could feel our toes in our socks they felt clean and warm and comfortable.

"But it's worse in Scotland isn't it? Thats why they never let you leave." Then he proceeded say everything we needed to hear and some.

We think we went "fuck it" enough to remember/get his number after the very real meeting where you said you felt I just wanted to get with you as a means to get out of Scotland because you obviously weren't there to see we weren't on game mode we were on this is it this all the life we get and so far its been really shit mode.  You came and talked to us after we got off the phone still seemingly convinced that we could see you as a stepping stone to somewhere else. It was devastating.

We remember staring at the bedside cabinet next to the bed opposite trying to keep our brain as calm as possible because we were seeing all the un used paint here at the house and were scared we were going to actually start hallucinating the paint and then get up to paint our home as an escape for everything that was happening on the ward and as proof of how we actually operated. We weren't packing bags. We couldn't think of a much more scarier place than an airport in the state we were in. We wanted, needed to go home and make the place more liveable while we wait for a way to get out that involves the least amount of trauma and danger. You were mentioning Palermo weren't you? And we kept looking at you as our mind boggled at how much we would have to tell you before we would be comfortable taking you to Palermo, the more you talked the more we felt we would have to tell you. We didn't know if what you were saying was for someone else's benefit. It didn't matter though because they way you were talking to us and the time that you were doing it just seemed so unforgivable. Just like they like it.

We called you a cunt to the other girls when you left.

"Remember it's all bullshit to keep you down and confused Mother."

You were of course, for the most part in a worse state than us and that possibly might make it forgiveable but there was all the fucking triggers. You seeing Guzman and Gallagher and Provanzano or the institutionalised stuff and what they have done to us here and what we are and what we do in places like Palermo cant be. Without knowing us and our work then the programming they put you through got you worse. You were too scared we were as scary as all the things that had you already. To scared of them getting us like they had you when we knew it wasn't possible in all the same ways because we know about us and Palermo and other places. It was very lonely for us.

You got it eventually. There's no point hating yourself for fucking up when you haven't done it yet and you seemed to be settled enough with it that we felt there was at least the possibility that you wouldn't be too too late or some of us anyway.

Some of us began thinking sarcasticly that since you put the idea in our head that maybe there was some way for to use you to get us to Sciliy or somewhere but we knew we were covering up heart break. There was just too many signs that we would be here without you and we got lost on what was the bad stuff we were programmed years ago to see and here and what was the bad stuff now.

You couldn't reach us. We had been warned off enough we weren't sure if it was you who did some of the warning. We still arn't. After some of the statements we made though we knew we would crumble and we too weak to fight of all the warnings and all the clever triggers. All that leads to shut down survival mode which is heartbreaking because we never shut down that much for long but never know what happened and are too scared to ask.

We have spent so much time convincing ourself that you and we are lost but it started so early, there has been so little time to grow and the thought of how much love pisses of evil pricks has always made it impossible to move on completely. When your not in contact we need you and at the same time have a head full of bad images and moments with you and we know some of them are real and some won't be and can't know as much as we need to. The longer it goes the more we just want to be done with it but articulating that thought internally or out just causes turmoil and specific horror triggers. We want the feeling of being whole that we get from being with you but we want to walk away from all the crap left over from being slaves who were raped together and ritually abused together. Whenever we saw how little a sense of self you you had of being a being that was outside of the world they gave us we would weep for us both because we didn't we could make it if you didn't and we couldn't see how us together would survive at all and we remembered why we hated Earth.

So many times we tried to find routes to ourself while avoiding remembering much about you. It was impossible though yous were just to close to too of the center's of too many mes. For all our hating of arranging your own or someone else we wanted so much to know we had a future together. We said them at least once that it was just well there was so much evil determinism about because if there wasn't I might of fallen into evil determinism just because we fancied we boy.

We couldn't take you or anyone else a lot of places we went to. Really couldnt of taken you. You were our centre. Some of them maybe but the risks were so high. But we never came back to the same you and when we could and did take you with us we could see in your eyes that you rarely believed it. We hated ourself for having to leave you here but when had only limited time out of chains we had to push the limits of what we could do and what we could know. We had to know on our own terms before the bastards push ourself our someone else there.

Sure. You needing time to do the same for yourself makes sense and sure my misery at you not being here is not the same as the violence and the grooming you were getting back then. It's just that it far from safe out there and you can be such an idiot we worry you are just being sucked into some other shit that we can't have anything to do with.









August 21, 2016

Gap year

Tired. Been Swimming. So yeah really tired. No buses though so not weeping and suicidal tired. Just snappy tired. Don't remember the actual swimming the last time or if its actual real but remember being snappy afterwards but there was a warning at least, we get super tired after swimming, even if we don't do any actual swimming. We do remember we slept through dinner and then was super sorry about being to snappy and snappy about you saying it was ok and of course we remember the kiss.

We talked about  a lot of stuff didnt we? That its probably a DID thing as well that makes always makes us so exhausted after swimming as well as a physical thing not that they are separate things, cant remember your profesional opinion or our response but we think you said something after it about us wanting to tie you to take a steak and burn you every time you sounded like a psychiatrist. We gave you an amnesiac "how did you know that??" frowny face. And then Little Voice "But daddy is a psychiatrist."..We remember the gist of the start of what you said next and how we were talking about that very fact and psychology.

Then something about us not both being able to have breakdowns at the same time. Then being Captain Jack for a bit which amused the bairn but gave ourselfs a headache.

Do want to start writing more about our pasts again. So many less pressing questions. Much easier to tell the stories we want and need to.

Pain has been quite unpleasant. Part of how we came in here to write. It was a thought taking our achy flesh out but we knew water always makes us feel better, dude loves it etc., and soluble co-codomal helped.











August 19, 2016

Friday.



Unsuprisingly bloody sore. Not because of physical reasons but because of what our mind let us in on, a bit more specific about the nature of state supported intergenerational extreme abuse and trafficking networks. Satanic as fuck. This really could be the last time our frontal lobes have to accept how bad it's been and how alone they made us.

We hate victim blaming but we also know we have a habit of projecting good qualities and good intentions onto ring members when they have us cornered and cornered is what we are. We have been here before of course but were always pushed back and our fear of what the good doctor was always a factor. There is no way we weren't always vigilant to his wife, her family, Louise's family and their associates but he was a different story. We still had littles that loved him, that would tell them anything and show and trust him with everything when he was very much at the centre of a shit load of evil. He was their eyes and ears when no way any of them could get any where near us all because he could have us hoping. Hoping that a lot of what has happened over the last year or so wouldnt happen, trauma exhausted littles are not good at child care they know this and the rings make things happen after giving them children to look after to make them feel even worse. He kept us in that state by pushing us back and convincing littles they had to push us back whenever we remembered about him.

Physically never hurt us. Was always gentle but never saw us. Not like he saw and heard the rings that had him. And they made him watch a lot of what they were doing to us whenever they had us like they had him. It was so hard to get away with his awful littles shutting down any escape attempt and his lovely littles just wanting to hold us when all of us just wanted that to.  We would see the Dorothy and friends in the poppy field sometimes, when the auditory hallucinations started and we hearing the music and the voices we knew we were in serious danger but sometimes there was nothing we could do we had no numbers and couldn't do any of things we do when we have no numbers either.

It all came out in sessions with Jacqui. She told us about it when we were already down and it felt like they had us in a place where they could tell us we were going to die some way soon and we might go along with it. But there was spotters of course who eventually got in there and disrupted the scene and got us out of that state. Later she tried again but we weren't so vulnerable in every way so we were just relieved to have the information back. We told her how the day dream would end. When I, we, all the littles had to go back the there to the hospital alone and talk about dude's history to doctors, including being questioned about his dad then travel back alone to duties here we would know he just didnt have enough older parts to help us. We do need to replace our pans because his are extremely unlikely to be coming here any time soon. We can't remember her having anything to say about it. We said we would be heart broken again.

It came out just through our internal systems when we first got the flat in Fintry and it was just me and dude and we weren't in a refuge any more. We were on top of the house work, going out to parks lots, singing in the flat lots. Not sharing living accommodation and child care duties with multiple with several walking horror stories. We knew trouble wouldn't be far but it just meant we had to make the most of the time we had.

There was some pretty good talking as an inpatient though. In the place we were in with everything that was ongoing there was no need to hide or hold much back and the stuff we that was held back we just don't listen to ourself speak. Abusers and abuse ring members in the mental health professional.. to finally be able to freely talk about everything we have in that portfolio. Oh my. Not that anything has made much difference to our short term but we knew we were crippled carrying that monster around and couldnt just put it down anywhere..(all those dirty, broken, public toilet and showers nightmares come to mind they don't seem so scary any more)

Right now we know we need to be careful about too many what next?s. We have a lot to recover and a lot of work to on our relationship with the offspring. It's going well so far. He starts like he used to sometimes. The huffy stance the stated refusal to do whatever it is he's been asked to do then when we remind of something I have already said we are going to do, he loses the attitude and goes and does it. Not that its suddenly become easy to balance his need for time, effort and interaction and everything here's but we are more able to give it a go and its not like its not rewarding.

































August 18, 2016

they are just knickers..

Ug.

Burn the lucky number 7s, burn the ones the roses and the pale blue elastic, burn this jumper, burn all the jammies..

Not a surprise. Attempting to give a timeline of Pablo's life and traumas didn't fit into an hour. Didn't feel to good after. Went for a mocha and a bacon roll felt like the most self caring thing to do. We were in a mess, kept looking for your car when we cant remember what your car looks like. Kept getting the image of a hatchback of some kind and colour driving away from us and feeling bad but couldnt work out any more. Fair few dry sobs, particularly when waiting for the bus and getting on it.

We feel like we are done with wondering about who Pabs biological father is. An awful lot of questions that we have been bouncing of amnesiac walls have landed. Fuck.

Us and our stupid wee strong girl fantasies, good bless them. They knew everything you were going to say to us was going to be an absolute kicking when already down so they kept you wordless for as long as possible. The night they gave in and told us was one of the nights in the hospital that was particularly eventful. We had no option but to go back to the amnesia when you were still there and still not changing any of your plans. No wonder we went deaf.

What a mess.
At least the lad will no longer trigger us as much now that we know. What about the rest? All the rest.





August 17, 2016

Not a morning person then..

The  day did indeed get better. Of course, we arnt so down we couldn't lie outside in the sun and that's a pretty good mood enhancer. Asda man came to and we did well when we ordered it last night. Not even ten past ten and he's sleeping. He was the same last night to.

Just the one pokemon hunt today, he was happy to play while the stop recharged it was cool, we bickered a bit on the way there we were both hot and the school gates always messes with us a bit. We managed much better on the way back and for rest of evening really. Proper food again pork with attempt at a BBQ marinade that was good, dude scoffed it all before touching the new tatties and corn on the cob that wasn't brick hard raw. We don't do corn on the cob we do coleslaw. To much coleslaw. Slightly oversized for one person sized tub that we ordered. We refuse to understand the weight of anything we buy online ..

Asda's extra special Cabernet Sauvignon is too nice. Seriously and it's a £5.. 

Hit the retail therapy this morning to and not on balanced meals. Twin pics for the purple wall. Its currently adored by the red should be in a brothel wall through and two simple flower prints that were Laura's. On Amazon the new ones are Chinesey and golden. See yeah that against the purple that will look amazing.. I know I can't wait for you to see it either..

Tomorrow will bring whatever it brings. Then we will take junior on a hunt and cook something highly edible. Chill out and build some more Lego.  Assistance appreciated as always.







 

don't leave it too long..

Mornings aren't much better. Just want to cry still. Cry and cry. We put tv on just to have voices around. Don't think we can go for walks after school run we feel to emotional, cant trust ourself to not over do it and not get lost. There is never much here to stand up to the cynicism. There is only the battle to do the essential things. Did them. Dude was on be good mode to. Talked yesterday what sort of eggs he wanted to have for breakfast. It's a good breakfast he often doesnt eat bread with his eggs and thats good to. Probs wont take too long for him catch up with his weight. He didn't argue about the teeth brushing and that was an issue for both me and the foster carers. Packed his bag with everything he needed. Have to have another look for wide fit gym shoes. Size 6 normal ones are no good. Hope he does gym in bare feet or he will be tripping over the toes. Can't get over his size sometimes he is only a couple of inches shorter than me.

It helps a bit when I'm actually writing but as soon as I stop I just feel sad and small again. Watching Big Bang so yeah very sad and small..

The travelling tomorrow will most likely help a bit. As long as the taxi driver isn't too chatty and we arn't too scared and little.. It's just the first term morning maybe they will wont all feel so bad. Describe it more ..ok .. we will get more tea first though .. Just seen the paralympics add "Yes I can" bloody brilliant.. which of course has us emotional..

We have looked at home the "school day" has a lot of really awful triggers, forced to go when exhausted from whatever was done to us all night, injured and of course the school environment was abusive itself often to - there's a lot of reasons why we feel awful at the thought of "school", we have looked a little bit a our fears for Pabs and how they are post traumatic to and the fear of losing him to mainstream culture in which I don't fit and don't exist - particularly awful if what we seem to have experienced a mainstream that was completely tolerant of different kids sharing school and nhs identities..

Likewise "authorities" as we have seen, if we don't take him to school the police who we already know are riddled with the worst of the traffickers will come terrorise us and they take him of us and take him to school..same goes with psychiatry..

And we have learned before that writing lists of the reasons why mornings are so fucking awful also doesn't really help, maybe a little in the short term which is of course important but not long term, it still keeps happening because there us never been enough care and time to rest between extremely traumatic stuff happening.

It's extremely rare for us to read over old posts, our memory is also so shifting and we are terrified of our people's judgement of it. Also hate knowing how much we just bullshit because we are scared of the consequences of telling truth. We can't tell when we cant write or think something is because of our own self protection systems or an outside one and it really isnt the same the only way to not feel constantly grindingly and escapable ground down by oppression is not think and act like you are. Outside of the extreme violent and physical restraints of course.

 No bastard has talked to us in weeks. Our DID means that when that happens we have to find ways to be comfortable with an increasing sense of no fucking idea of who we are and what we are doing here. We don't like this. It's cool if your on your own and the work and company and affection are still all good but still it's a nightmare to try and bring up a child well when you have no idea who the kid is or whatever you have been through together and apart. Our DID, the lack of communication and the resulting mental and emotional exhaustion, fear, issues with services has very much been engineered and we know the baddies are winning the war and that feels awful. We tell ourself thats all or nothing thinking, that its PTSD, etc but we still know that the state of our head and whatever is going on means we will only know how to contact other people in an extreme emergency.

Yep. Still feels awful. We eat a banana and almost felt like going for a walk but when we opened the back door we felt our mood swing, there was a lot of walking yesterday. Maybe we are just need to rest :-)

It is sunny though. Thats good.



August 16, 2016

try not to be too cynical...

He's been alright, its a constant effort though, checking ourself when we get all naggy or impatient but we feel better for it. Three times out of the house, without fights thanks to Pokemon Go..Had to persuade me a bit. The morning.. was hard to get up.. and didnt eat breakfast. The thought of leaving our comfort of our bed to being up and about and responsible for shit is still a crushing thought. We had fried eggs for brunch after we got back though, banana splits later and chicken and noodles for tea. Kitchen cleaned as I went along. Chicken was marinated - all good. Gave myself a steam burn whilst cooking corn that we didnt give long enough to cook and is currently still in the micro - can't win them all..

We always knew his refusal to do things was him reacting to us not engaging with him and caring for him enough and we knew when he first got home he wouldnt be as bad and because we are present and engaging with him things would be much better. He went in the shower with too much persuasion and has been brushing his teeth at night ok, I did it last night though on his first night home. Did social worker scary man have go at us coz he was an eight year old boy and I still brushed his teeth for him sometimes.. ....

Glorious day. Tanned topped and made a small effort to water, weed and tidy up the part of the back garden. Another easy drying day so dude got much the blanket his foster carers gave him without last nights glowing spatters. The goddam lucky 7s have been washed and dried again and put on again to.. we had a epsom salts and bio oil and candles bath.. was a bit too hot.. wine of course and other mild stuff. We have always hated the way medications make you see the passage of time, its worse with the ones that have the day of the week on them. It's not me thats worried of course. It's the littles. They are awake and looking to not be clinging on by their finger nails any more. You did that. We might of made it possible but you did it..  I'm worried I can't give them what they need.

Still struggle with engaging him and not the contents of our head.. We will always struggle with that with everyone though! Today its been what to do, what to expect, what it's ok to hope for in terms of the appointment with kid shrink. It's the day after tomorrow though so we have decided to spend the cash and go. That bus ride twice in one day tends to make me not up for much else anyway so the taxi which would be the only way to get there in time anyway makes sense. Not that its the appointment that we are stressing about its the thought of leaving the place after with the contact still in place. Getting too old for the "look on the brightside" hey at least he is getting help and I am being a good girl and speaking to them and being what they might allow.


But there is who I am of course and serious inner and outer resources we have but we would prefer to not be going into it alone.


August 15, 2016

be lucky

Ah the "Actually"s.. and the sense they convey that he doesn't think we know anything about anything and the guilt we have when we feel frustrated and triggered that oor wee dude maybe will be a life long mansplainer.. Noooooo. I am his mum he wants and needs me to be boss, trouble has always been that by the time me and him and left together I'm exhausted and childcare is challenging without having already been burnt out, seriously depleted and undermined.

Wish we could have more confirmation of anything that happened when we were in hospital. Seriously. Anything. You know how it feel to feel utterly lost and damaged and remember that recently, weeks, days, hours even minutes or seconds ago you were able to talk from a very different perspective. Self assured and aware instead of self conscious and no self esteem, confident and determined instead of inhibited and petrified. It's awful, you feel so badly betrayed by yourself and others. So trapped between a part of yourself that rightly wont let go and that has understandably given up and you are neither but ripped apart by them or are pointlessly attempting to build a cozy home in the frozen muddy craters between them.

Tired aren't we?

So good to here him humming and chatting away to himself as he plays downstairs though. Wish it would of been possible to work on the worst of the traumas that we shared in hospital but that just wasn't and wouldn't be possible any way.. We hate brick walls in our memory, in our self like that. Not a pretty picture of our internal world we are painting is it? Giant thick walls and scarred no mans land. They always put them to hide something from us that really helps us. They wrap all your quality and positive core memories and defining moments in horror.  It is worth it to find the gooey centre past all the rock hard evil but its severe fucking trauma and there isnt much of anything available in terms of tools or support.

Going to have to find a way in though because feeling victimised by chatty son is bullshit.

 And I believe we will.

We worked so hard to figure out how to get to know, how to parent the child after the trauma and find a way to accept it will never be like was with the one before. It's the same with every kid. It didn't start becoming too much because it was, it always was, it started really becoming too much because it could be.  Things were changing and that was enough for tonnes of us to bail leaving a promise to be back that the dissociated "I" when there was such a thing couldnt hear anyway.

Glow stick inners spatter all over wall and duvet. Spectacular. Also novelty something you have to turn the lights off to clean.

Coughed and had to change knickers. They had been pushed back to the drawer a bit but intentionally dug out the lucky numbers 7s. While there is still some elastic left in them.




August 14, 2016

Sunday

Took much longer to talk ourself into finishing up the gloss than it did to do it. Could of saved ourself some brushes if we had remembered we already had some in a bag that would of been fine. Think we were making sure we didnt decide to paint more. We used up the rest of the natural wicker on the bits downstrairs that are looking really shabby now the upstairs has been done.  Bought cooked topside, new potatoes and carrots both prepared for the mirco and ate at about 4:30. Stuck a couple of frozen yorkies that will rolling about the bottom of the freezer in the toaster. They weren't there best, but the did the job of sooking up the gravy.

After we had scoffed we grabbed a few rays outside then went in the bath. The new shower curtain still isnt up but hey cant do everything.

Also bought another one of the co-op chocolate cakes and have done serious damage to it.

He comes home tomorrow. We are so glad. And a bit nervous about it to though. We know we are in a very different places now and aren't to worried about the old habits taking over. Of course we wish we had more people, more information more words and promises that we knew were keepable for him but we have ourselfs more than were probably ever able to give him before and a beautiful house.

 We just needed it to not stop and not be wrong. We still do. DID and sexuality. Our DID and our sexuality, complicated. We need the other mes to know how this other person feels about us. We need to stop splitting, to be present in our own skin and like it, we need to not be raped and have a very strong will and belief in not being raped.

He said we had to stop because it was wrong. We asked if we were married would it still be wrong. He laughed and said no so we asked if would marry us. We were standing in the laundry room. He said yes but not yet. We were worried about how the rest of us who had been out of the count would feel a bit this "affair" and knew they were coming round. Maybe this was a way of making it easier for them. They wouldn't feel humiliated if they knew how serious everyone was. I don't think that is something we have done a lot of is asking that particular question. Think we have been laughed off and turned down for being too young/insane/embedded in horrifically violent crime a few times though but don't know if we really meant it or was just out of it or desperate anyway.

Umano. I guess. It all still seems too much on life being pain side of things but we would be feeling that a lot for sure anyway.. we hope everyone comes back particularly when on our own so that doesnt tell us much. It was all wonderful though in ways that made the utterly non wonderful moments wonderful in weird ways. We had forgotten what it felt like to not just survive.

He was given the serious talks and taken away to be shown the really heavy evidence and was back again afterwards, really back while he could be. You didnt like when you caught us thinking you had chosen to be there for us then but fuck knows about later. We fixed us both up and said then we really did need to stop having sex until we were "home ..er". Not sure if that really was the actual last last time of contact though..
:-)

We hated having to let go we knew we loose sight of him in everything that had happened and leave the memories outside us. We knew it wouldnt be for long but hurts so bad to have to let go of whatever anchor you have like that. It feels like it will be impossible to find it again and usually it is. Not always though.
















August 13, 2016

..and back to centre..


Went through the big box of playmobil and took back some stuff. Dude is more into the weapons ran the flowers and trees and doesnt worry about the need for different coloured peoples (we like the ethnic get up but suspect it would bug us a lot more if we werent white and very happy with a flowery tshirt and a pony tail that is often how we dress as an adult) . Guess we had enough real weapons as a kid we aren't interested in playing with pretend ones. We often put the me girl in the centre surrounded by friends and animals. Pretty obviously really spend so much time on our own when growing up and still am today we love to surround toy me with people and places she loves. Yellow haired girl has lost her flower bonnet but gained a brown baseball cap and she's cool with that coz it means something to her and she's a bit of a tom boy at times, we all are.

 It used to be really hard to watch other kids act one one minute and another the next, how could they just act like that? Anyway they wanted.. one moment loud and greedy then the next moment quieter and thoughtful, we weren't allowed to do that and when we did someone would turn up. We would often cry in the cloackroom in the school at Prosen. The smell of the paper towels, cracked dirty green soap and bleach sometimes, sometimes ajax.

We would try and trigger ourself into dissociating to escape the loneliness and the knowing when so little we would get no childhood but it wouldnt work. We just cared about all the time we would spend feeling alone and in need so far away from anything or anyone good and even further away with every agonising second. Parts would be told by outside ring participants what there core memories were. Strong sense that weeping endlessly, sometimes in physical pain, hungry, traumatised and alone when in that school was what "I" was told was my core memory, my defining moment. There was a program set up to take me to kinds of dissociation abusers have, where there is no continuous sense of self. A voice put there in sessions when I was supposed to not be able to hear just the most scared, abusers and a girl saying whatever they wanted her to say for me to recall and think it was a a part of me. Remebering her voice without context with lots of anxiety will lead to her voice saying something else another step, there was lots of talking to about the kind of things you are supposed to think when the experiences are repeated and the worst fears realised.

 But we knew ourself well enough to know there wasn't any immediate sarcastic response to being told that weeping in pain, in fear, in loneliness in rural Scottish school cloakroom was going to be a core memory, it was true, not the only truth but it wasn't bullshit, far from it. We thought for ourself and didnt follow the program set up on all those previous occasions and saw how it wasn't so magical or genius technical and saw ourself seeing the program for what it was. Broken people doing broken things to break other people. Beyond moments like that it's just violence and being extremely good at things. There was a moment when we got in touch with the parts of us that were being trained in all of it and already knew how it worked because of the training and of course the being forced to take part in other peoples and we wondered if the parts of us that went through it as a victim could forgive the parts that had followed order and been part of the victimisation. We had no bloody choice, not splitting was imperative because it meant amnesia and amnesia meant anxiety and a much higher chance of horrific things happening to me.

Because we chose to not block her out though it meant she could show us everything she got up to. Fucking awesome. She was basically just doing everything and anything she could to throw as many spanners in as many works as should and few people ever suspected. Eventually and if it had a chance of making a real permanent difference and step closer to the whole scene coming to and end we would take part with her support of course.

We could watch and listen to other children act and mimic it sometimes but that just hurt more and made us hate ourself when we were all we had.

Will we lean on a brother for a bit? Our only one. Someone significant has said and on at least earned himself a bunch of "yeah that's a good idea tell us someone is our only anything. Thats gonna really help." backchat. Present whenever possible girl has always had such problems with the fall fast and hard lot because they want to invest everything in one relationship as a way to fix us so present whenever possible girl has a nice present to come home to..

..

acceptance, talk and touch

Just us again. Which is kind of sad, some relief and some fear. There is a light shade to go up and another be changed and tbh we want to paint the wall its nearest - the one with the big colourful picture on it but not before the gloss on the remaining skirting and round the glass panels and any other bits missed so far. We eventually invested in a shower curtain we don't hate so that needs to go up to. Also the sticky back opaque plastic to cover the mother fucking safety glass. Yes that's right. safety glass, the stuff that has chicken wire inside in, inside a home in 2016. Just. Not. Right. Not feeling too pressured to do it right now we have today and tomorrow.

Tbh we want a day off but dont we have everything or anyone we need for it. We are remembering our own advice about having to go own way and recognise we have to be careful about the advice we take from people who have no idea what we are. Not easy especially when your own on and the only advice and support to hand comes from sources who know or understand very little to nothing about why and how we came to be what we are.

Mini pill is a likely factor in pain level when we have just started it but our body will also be telling us to rest some, to feel whatever we need to feel and the relief at being able to feel whatever we need to. Still it would be nice to feel what we feel with a bit more cushioning i.e. bring drugs.. lots of them..or at least some. Frustrating when all the painkillers we have do is help us feel our self enough to know we are gonna need help to really let go and actually be here and really start feeling that. Touch and talk is needed for lots of it but how are we going to let that happen wound as tightly as this?

Imagine how fabulous it would be if the NHS had well funded and proper holistic psychology wards and intensive DID crisis intensive care units instead of the inhumane approach we have controlled by the drug industries and rape apologists. I am not looking forward to the outpatient appointments.

We can colour and smoke fags and drink down the soluble co-codomal 5-6 hours apart, nap and colour, maybe play with the felt Little Miss boards and hope for touch and talk and real acceptance..

Beautiful windy day so we have been grabbing a few minutes of free heat and vitamins, perfect dryting weather to. And we are eating regularly and keeping up with house work so there are moments when we feel the glow of self satisfied home maker but that tends to fade when there is a shiver of terror goes through us because feeling like that triggers what if this is all we are ever going to be from now on. Diazepam etc can fairly kill or slow down triggers like that and if we were our doctor we would be prescribing using downers to help us see and de-construct triggers like that.

What else would we do if we were our doctor - like we have before lots of appropriate creative stuff most days, and we as our doctor would find those groups out so we the service needer wouldn't have to. Also some more focused on the really littles one to one sessions, weekly or maybe twice a week like one to one drama therapy, changes in scenery - weekly visits to places out in nature, culture but with time afterwards talking about what bad stuff came up or was triggered by whatever or where ever we visited. Massage, hugs and lots of journalling .. of course.. and lots of whatever we wanted whenever we wanted it with understanding that we know a lot about how to look after ourself we just struggle with all the very real "we are not allowed or something much worse will happen" fears. So hard to get past them if its not a real and immediate emergency.

"not allowed" and "falls fast and hard" and "this is my job, its what I'm for" are probably the three main groups of littles and they leave little room for "get as much goodness and fun as possible we will not be around for long" but they are the ones that drive us, that organise us.. How can we calm the anxiety of the first two groups? Well usually the trick is not attempt it, its by strengthening the third group that we start to feel better because they do know what the first two groups need and what just makes them worse.. But of course I feel like it isnt safe enough and our only hope is rescue to much to be even remember we do know how to look after ourself a lot of the time..

nap time










TBA - means "hope"

He's got the work that I couldnt do done today. I haven't done that much, little things mostly. Too tired and sore a lot to. The livingroom is done. Rug was put down. Curtains and lamp shade went up. Nothing really picked to go with anything else but it's good, not perfect but a massive relief that it the whole house now looks different to what it did. There a few more little things that we want to have done before junior returns but we can do them over the next couple of days without knackering myself.

We have climbed under duvet to write, to be away from the t.v., to be tired and in pain and emotional. It is good to have the help but the more tired, in pain and emotional we are the harder it is to feel anything other than "can't talk to him" its not like we haven't repeatedly tried over the years. There was a little while back in the hospital when we could see and feel a life in Scotland very different from the ones we have had so far but we know we are maybe to ready for that to be ruined because we would rather be mourning something that only just seemed possible that have something taken away from us that we have leaned on for much longer.

But as anyone who knows anything knows we have never had any hope for a real life, we have hope in TBA and still do but if the Brits are left to it then this will be more or less it has always seemed the most likely. The more time we spend shut of and terrified to be the more distance there is between the petrified "I" and states where we can recognise ourself and all our past and not just the worst of victimisation. If he/she/it didn't want  us to kept us dissociated, amnesiac and confused then he/she/it wouldn't leave us in exactly those states. We get trapped, bouncing between triggers and parts, trying to identify or remember or keep certain serious dangers in mind balanced against a need to be true to us and it just gets impossible.

We have serious issues writing about what gives us hope. Scared they are so flimsy that to put them and examine them in anyway would rip them or expose them as false. We also don't want to give them away, like we want to keep them for ourselves and not share them with people who wont or cant help us or even share them with parts of ourself who need convincing because their amnesia and the disbelief that comes with it hurts the ones trying to do the sharing.

Getting sleepy. Hope we sleep better tonight.









August 11, 2016

:-) x

What if it's all lies and I'm just a horrible liar? Well okay a really mad hallucinating person then?..

He will really help out. Especially with all the ladder bits I cant do. It's gonna look amazing. Tomorrow we have to try and figure out how to put the big rug down. The door is already quite difficult to push on the carpet. One of those things someone probably said the landlord said was going to be fixed years ago..

Should of grabbed the tablet but couldn't some how.

Between and amongst the purple edging and the glossing and the visitors we are remembering lots more about our recent time in hospital. We dont have the confidence to repeat it but we do enough to recall and feel it, acknowledge it and thats is start.

Love you both.

August 10, 2016

"..after discharge.."

The feature wall is now purple. Very purple. Except for a little stripe along the bottom that I will probably do tomorrow morning. Bloody tiring. Good to be putting some proper colour about the place instead of trying to stretch out every single lumen of light that gets in here with pale shades. Have also taken my meds and went to GP to get more and added the mini pill. Pain has been around a little and your promise in regards to it GD remains unforgettable.

. O.K. We can do it. Tommy, who gets sentence and a paragraph to himself.

Claire, Deek, Lynne, Nathan, Adam, Gran P? Bill? wider circles? Surely I just watched this in a film and got confused.

If I wasn't up for the first funeral we are hardly going to have made to any of others. Not on my own anyway. It the state we were in. We DID pin balled throughout mostly being others that have been trapped, their accents and memories we were too punished to let out.  Sometimes we couldnt walk, or see, or talk ..etc.. It always good to experience the high functioning that was never far away and rare for anyone else to understand the exhaustion that comes with having to switch between ourselfs and single white scottish thirtyseven your old female mother to one, NHS number whatever it is, formally Johnston, psychotic episode, claims there are people out get her, mentally ill long term. We have seen in other's people's eyes the pain of the bullshit, the pain of truth and pain at having to say, do and write things that maintain that bullshit.

Is Bill even a question?

Didn't a nurse tell us at the nurses station the police on the line to her. Too much unbelievableness. Once we told you we buckled. Fair enough and we were freaking out coz we knew we needed to rest but we knew as soon as we did we would forget, then remembered Tommy and remembered you and remembered why we needed to forget. It's all weeks ago now. Can't remember/recall most of the causes of death, except the motorheads going by they're favourite vehicles and Deek with drugs. We heard words over the phone when we were already too dissociated to hear them. Dad saying "Lynne..hanged.." before we handed to phone back to the staff and told them to hang up. For the rest of the night we kept going back to wishing we had listened to him say more. What if he hadn't finished the sentence?

Proper sleep was an issue for a while. He never left when we needed him not to. But once we feel asleep to GD on the phone to dad and woke up to it to. So hard not to hate it when you know that when you get what you need you will become an utter fruit loop because it all really was all to much before, thats how we ended up in a psychiatric ward and then Tommy died.

There was talk of some of them had made statements incriminating themselves and each other in statements after Tommy's death or maybe before in some cases. Someone in plain clothes asks if we know of many one who would want to hurt the family. I think, I hope we managed to tell them something and not just laugh maniacally. If they had fessed up or told any real truth in statements and interviews then they would of lost their protection and some. Jacqui was mentioned of course to ..at some point.. and we were very glad there is months of disclosers on here picking away at our amnesia layers and areas. Think we spoke to all of the people we most had to speak to.

The really important ones we needed GD's support utterly but were surprised at how much when it really, really mattered none of the rest the staff let us down. The ones that wouldn't handle any of it are never hard to spot anyway even when your a mess.

Finally ate that pasta sauce we stuck in the fridge. Didnt make much sense to order pizza with that sitting there and all we needed to do was cook spaghetti and heat it up and then not make eye contact with unknown humanoid. Love the bacon and tomato lumps at the bottom all lathered in olive oil, spicy sauce and cheese.

We have no idea how much in known out there amongst people. Someone came in the ward that repeat some it, less than had happened at the time. They didn't know it was about me until we said so. Then someone else heard something locally. Again though that was weeks ago.

There was a call or two with the girls. Essential. Needed calls.














August 09, 2016

Tuesday

It is done. Well not all of it. Impossible to not miss the odd patch and didnt do the skirting on the other side. But one of the jobs that has always bugged us about this house has been done.Didnt clean as much as we should. Much just painted over rather than removed.. Makes sense to leave one side dry so that can be the side the stay close to when walking up and down the stairs, we intend to not do to much of that for the rest of the day and are having a rest in bed, Doctors orders.

Guess you said to lean on whatever we need to lean on short term, until you get here.. And after the call we just had.. We don't feel like we need to lean, although we know we will. Feel like celebrating and making the most of having house to myself because it wont be long. Fuck yeah.

Lounged since the call from social work. Which we would of been doing anyway. Am leaning on/celebrating/making most of time with wine again and had some fish and chips. We cant pasta for supper. Don't think I will fit that really cute little summer dress in the charity shop window for much longer. Cleaned up the kitchen a bit, took our meds, now writing to you and drinking wine again and eating chocolate cake. Yeah I'm trying to say it. We could maybe manage a "husband" but not a first name, we are such cowards sometimes!

But we are remembering your lawyer a bit and how everything just starting coming back. We either knew nothing and remembered nothing or it was impossible to think of the past without feeling it was ongoing. We said that.

Fine then. Bath time. Suppose we could take another piece of cake with us. If you thought it was for the best.




August 08, 2016

Two Person Job

Today we were up pretty early, took our meds. It was warm enough to sit outside and drink tea and smoke. Made doctors appointment, told landlords assistant about needed repairs, Then tidied up, swept and washed the kitchen floor. Internally all our thoughts as far as you are concerned blog are all "can barely think it, never mind write it or say it". Everything that was happening during the first weeks I was hospital. Where it leaves me now. Trying to figure out, remember and communicate what happened during those weeks. Emailed the social worker.

He had said he might be coming over and we didn't want to see him, especially not when we are on our own. We washed the throw that was on Tommy's wall. It was pretty grubby and had fallen down weeks ago. Don't think it will go back up but its bright and beautiful so we might change our mind. Hoovered a bit. We took breaks in the sunshine and ate a cheese roll and ham. Then a strawberry fruit corner later on after social worker emailed back to see he would probably come over anyway. Directed our voiceless frustrations and fears at the side of living room door that hadnt been painted. Then tried to nap but we kept needing to pee from all the tea we had drank and because Jess kept standing on me and settling on my hip to sleep and it wasnt very comfortable. .

The social worker did indeed.turn up when we were managing to nap and we opened the door and reluctantly and sleepy in the light green strappy vest top that shows more bra of their purple bra than most people would be comfortable showing their social worker of any gender if they were awake, aware or cared enough. He talked about finding a happy medium when I said how long I felt it would be before I felt ready for dude to come home full time and asked when we will be meeting the new social worker, later on in the week probably. Asked if dude could be brought over a day this week was told maybe or maybe day after. Really doesnt help that sort of shit. Paint and rug arrived when social worker was in. Good stuff. Didnt have to wait in any longer for any of them.

We felt pretty worn out after all that and went to the shop, came back sat in the sun, came in and coloured in and tried resting a bit before we made our tea. The usual! Peppers and bacon and tomato sauce and had it with spaghetti. We made enough to have for tomorrow lunch to. Will have to go and get more cheese though. Think will see if Asda has live herbs on our next order. And need to learn how to cook more things.

Took our meds to.

We told social worker we would speak to junior on the phone later but we felt unconfident about asking the carer directly and had to make do with sending our first Pokemon Go catch and some texting back and for with the carer. Our legs particularly were all tense from everything and exhausted so we went in the bath. With wine.

When we came out be put some washing away, opened the packages with Pabs school stuff in and hang them up.  Took the natives to his room and brought up the pen box.

Sometimes we dreaded walking past the nurses station because of the calls. No matter how much dissociation lots of us could achieve there will always be and has to be some hearing everything.  We remember clearly refusing to speak to Adam. Think we told the nurse who had picked up the call to tell him that we knew and that we were really sorry but we couldnt talk to him, we were in hospital we wanted to say "well enough" but we may of lost the control and said "safe enough" instead..

There was some organised scoop monstering which sounds awful if you dont know what it is. Then fell apart a bit even more again with the knowing and not knowing. We were cared for through and were held together throughout it all. We got to hold others together at times to and we always love it when we can do that and it was made sure we didnt give more than we could. The meetings and some of calls required all kinds of higher and specific functioning. We could barely move we were so tired after sometimes. There was some really bad people on the ward at times to and it took a lot more than our internal collectives to survive that.

In bed now, drinking the wine and writing this and wondering if we should start on the purple wall tomorrow or gloss the stairs.. And of course as it 10 pm we will be taking meds and we are washing the olzapine down with water and not just wine. Vino in the evening seems to be giving us fuel to do little jobs. And we are settling well eventually but dreams will have us up at some point. We dont intend to lean on the vino tomorrow though.

How can we not be scared to think though? To not resent ourself that the only thing we can put down is the bit about us refusing to take the call from Adam and not even going any further here on that. It's only been a few days since discharge and know you are telling us to go easy on our self and to trust. And we are. We love the work that's why and how we can do it. Thinking of you. And yes we will try to not do to much and write everyday if we can. We definitly are old enough to do not attempt any of the definite two person jobs and can put up with patches of ceiling white on the natural wicker for now.

Pennies tomorrow so there will be time spent cozied up. Ordering curtains and shit.

x