March 31, 2017

Grown Ups.

It's not like we are in a place where we don't break easy but still we fell apart briefly but very deeply. Seeing and hearing the congress investigation dude who we don't associate with violence and toxicity talk in plain terms about the certainty of Russian meddling and support for Trump. I hope stuff about Russian, British MPs and organisations and Brexit comes out.. the sex abuse investigations, electioneering.. BBC, Indy. Murdoch. Or at least more awareness of troll armies and the influence they can have. Hard to even imagine seeing British accents say similar.

We Zeldaed most of today. Smokes to. It was lovely. We were thinking we wouldn't bother then decided to at least see if any was available but we probably shouldn't go without even if we do smoke too much. Sis. Remembering how much fun we had together, the high pithed stereo giggle. We can do stuff like that and smile, laugh sometimes even. No one girl could ever survive that role on her own. This role. Not as a child or youth. She stuck around as long as she could to get us through. We would hide some of our work from her sometimes because we knew if she saw it she wouldn't get how much we needed her to do it and think we would be fine without her.

There had been too much pointing her in that direction and setting us both up for it. We couldn't get any truth out they had so much and so many people so convinced.

..we feel like Julia without it and Louise with it.. but Rosie is always in here to. Even if she is very quiet. See is doing ok. A little better. Loves watching us play the game but isn't ready to play it herself yet and that's cool we are just glad she is enjoying it. The rest of us struggle with puzzles without her. We can do the brute force stuff that is so cartoonish it makes her giggle sometimes.








March 29, 2017

acts of war

As we wrote yesterday, as we often do things change. We become aware of things held back, parts move around so its not a shock we knew all along we just couldn't think or write about it. They started Julia's programming and conditioning to be their route to me, to be their way of destroying me as I was being prepared and trained to destroy them. It was so horrible, they never made her want to but we could never get her safe so could not stop being forced to betray me and Louise. We tried to hope but we always knew and it was impossible not to see the rare times we were together. They way she had no hesitation and didn't question when we told her to help us slaughter a load of zombie us. We also knew she was told to kill Louise back then but we watched her and she couldn't do it. If we had not been there it probably would of been different but we were so she managed to resist. We could feel it. She wasn't trying to trick us into trusting her. She didn't want to, she couldn't. She wanted to be.

We could fight all lot things me and Louise expect what they turned our sister into. We knew there was no real hope of getting out of the predetermination and the slavery while she was alive. We did get some time to talk back in Dundee. Awful, horrific conversations. We told her about the rape and the murder planned for us during the already planned hospital stay off last year. We didn't ask she offered. We offered to make sure she didn't leave after, she agreed and wept with relief. We tried to distance ourself because it felt like we were only seeing what we wanted to see but there is no denying that type of weeping.

So after she had been raped by people thinking she was me and they thought they had what they wanted and let people could move around again afterwards we took her in our arms and talked for a bit. Then she said she ready. We gave her the infection and held her tight, stroking her hair, telling her we loved her. She said the drugs were lovely we agreed. Then she drifted off and as held her we kept our fingers on the pulse in her neck as it slowed, got erratic and then stopped.

One of the agent/officer types hanging around was all shocked. We didn't have much to say to him. We did ask that he didn't tell the Russian's and that we knew that would be very difficult for him because telling the Russian's things that they will use to hurt me is precisely his job. As far as we know when he left the ward there was the sound of a single gun shot. When we all went to check it looked very much like suicide. Back in the ward we said something about how it was easier for people to kill themselves than disobey orders then we saw Julia she was still in the room and we didn't say any more.

Can't remember what the agent/officer types said as the left. We didn't fucking care they are all some cunts minions. There was one that we hated already learned to hate during the previous decades and he was trying to tell us something but it was pointless. They were leaving us on a locked ward with abuser staff, he might of known me and Julia's plan but we could feel the passion to rape and murder us in his colleagues, the fear and disgust that we were still alive but the one that was easier to manipulate wasn't. The hate is so strong you can see it, feel it, taste it in the air.

So there are no twins, no clones and no clones of twins left. Just me. Telling the Russian protectors of RA, trafficking and cultural control that she is just as dead as Louise and I'm still a non binary, anti white power, anti imperialism lefty feminist snowflake and none us at any point got any where your nukes or your nuke staff. They definitely won't blow up where they are if you try and lunch them. Of course not, other than the authorities, the military, the media and the organised tools we love Russians. There are reasons they keep us here in Scotland and not in Russia. They weren't convinced the Russian population would go along with it like the Brits do.

We remember looking at the vial of the drug we gave her. Seeing clearly there was enough left for us to. One of the agent/officer types saw us looking and picked it up and put it away. We weren't really planning it but it was nice to think about before be reminded we are not allowed choose to when die any more than we are allowed to choose anything else.

The women with offical jobs mostly in the police (family safety we have mentioned this before) were around. They work mostly under the mostly male agent/officer types. Think we laughed at them. What the fuck are you use against us now there are both dead? She looked pissed of we weren't scared and able to speak words and went for the obvious threat, "Pablo".
"Good luck with hen" He being protected by people who care about me for obvious reasons and also by people who don't because of the unfit to look after self and various child as weapon against mother reasons. Same as me. They don't want him being properly looked after or living in a culture where he can thrive but they need him alive. They got plans for that boy.




how

Clocks changed. So might as well stay up late anyway.. Day got a bit better. It was warm out the back and we sat out in it for a bit. Forced that kid outside for hardly any time at all but enough to make us feel a bit better and him to I think. Sent him up to the shop with a tenner and he came back with flowers and cakes. That was cool. Made beef stew and over ate, feel asleep on the sofa for a bit.

Couldn't write any more on Sunday or yesterday. I'm not sure how many times he has attended school or nursery on the Monday after Mothering Sunday/clocks change. Once I think.

We've fucked up the antidepressant persription again got it today though. They are only giving us a months a time so every fucking month we end up going a few days without and sometimes that will coincide with weedlessness like it did yesterday. We can't stop searching for Louise. Can't stop seeing that no one helped us. Yeah that includes you in an emotional way sometimes but in a rationale way.

We wish this would all end so much. Louise was the only person on this planet that knew us and loved us without her there is no point in this place existing. Not that we can do anything about it because our brain is shut down by programming that is triggered by our current situation and day to day life and events. We would still rather truth and hope and progress and all that but the place is already dead. We got the all clear, the do what you have to do from everyone we needed it from but we ran out of time and usness to act on it at the time. There was still that tiny hope that actions would be taken and the last four years would not go down like they did but now tiny hope has been left under and surrounded by the people and systems that enslaved and murdered Louise. It's hard not to see how everyone would rather we just died to.

They left tiny hope as the sole carer of a male product of rape rings, her and Louise's child, unable to look after herself and with no support or care of any safe kind.
..
How could you?

March 26, 2017

You ladies triplets? .. Nah Sir we're cousins..

Happy Mother's Day Sister Mother!

Thank you to all the bairns that got us to buy our self flowers & do whatever we can for ourself when they can't.

Feeling pretty crappy to be honest. The kid narrating Zelda from the other room is not helping. Any chance you could take him for a wee while?

Will go through and join him soon. The tearfulness is never that far away. She was our main mum wasn't she? That's why we went to such extremes to keep her alive. She choose to not leave us and wouldn't allow us to stop her. I know you would have done the same if you could of. We felt so guilty for not being able to get and keep her away like we did you. She decided she was our last line of defence when everything else failed and no one stopped her.

We said it was all just part of their master plans. To make her the only thing we have had here and then take her away so I would we easy pickings. She was very confident I would not be easy pickings and there would be a way for us to forgive people for their complicity in her life and death. That is the bit that worried us most deeply then and now. The don't kill them keep them slaves cartels usually get the upper hand because they are better connected, better educated and more presentable than the slaughter and rape now addicts. We couldn't help thinking it would be so much better if I died and she lived. I could program her in ways no one could touch. You know she did not see anything in those kind of terms though.

"Trust me." She would say and we knew we had to trust someone and no one else was remotely appropriate. We knew we could giver her access to all our systems and she could do what we couldn't with them because she had not been living with them and being tortured over them. "All that stuff we didn't get." I explained they were looking for which ones of us had it and it was very important that they didn't find out that was part of why we couldn't tell either of you.

Ug. gotta go.

Love to all.

xxx

March 24, 2017

Death To Patriarchy

Hey Sis,

Told the our lad the tooth fairy wasn't real tonight. He's lost a tooth and we find that stuff hard anyway but he's nine and we don't feel the same pressure to. He asked if Santa was real and we winked at him and said of course. He's not ready for that. Not if it just comes from me and I don't have something else to offer him as some kind of trade off. *drum roll* cleaned his room. Always amazes us that the carpet exists and is in mostly reasonable condition. We did it in little blasts running to and for between it and Hyrule. Death bloody mountain. Might go back later. Tired after the cleaning though and the bickering. The bickering is exhausting. It does make a difference if we stay on him case though. It's hard though because we get so emotional. We don't think he means it but he's learned that if he is rude and disrespectful to us he gets his own way and we end up sitting in another room trying to work up the courage and the strategy to survive it, to get our basic needs met like he's a well protected pimp. Exactly what they want him to be and exactly how they want us to feel and we know we have to do whatever we can to stop it.

He will be ten soon and it makes us so angry when we think about his childhood and how much his mothers and his mothers friends were taken from him. He just came in there and read some of this over our shoulder. He thought "sis" meant Lynne.. And started saying he had a right to know the truth and brought up stuff we have told him when we were really ill. We have told him we going to have supper together and he was trying to get us to do it early. We said half past. We have repeatedly told him not to read what we write. He needs more we have said it so many times but writing it doesn't make it easier.

Bumblebee came. It made us so happy. We have hidden it and the box. We kissed it we were so happy putting it away. We got a boy's toy. :-D We so proud. Got beef to make stew on Sunday. Dude said they made Mother's Day cards at skool but he said he found his ripped on the floor and didn't know what happened to it. He said he had the pieces in his bad and got upset when they weren't there. I hope he just didn't want to make one and made the rest up. He's terrible with the truth. He can't help it. Could all be true to though.


Ordered some game tshirts for dude. Had to order a Zelda one for us to. It's gonna get warmer soon. We will tidy up garden and order flowers. We are not planting seeds though we don't want to plan to be here, to nurture here. All the stuff we wrote just so something would happen and maybe a bit to die and we end up back here..

But we have us now or at least are starting to again. That is definitely something that helps so much in here but in terms of getting us out there for air and sky and exercise.. It does bug that air and sky and exercise are just there all we need to do to access it is open fucking door and we don't. It might as well be gasses that turn steel or bone alike to mist out there.

We are a long way from "accepting" all the threats and actual horrors from the sky there's been though. You can't live here and remember that. I thought they were bullshitting about that but they were right but only because they made it so. They made it impossible for people to turn to each other. We were so glad you weren't here.

xx





March 23, 2017

Good girls.

Still irritable and a bit tearful. But that's okay. There was big Kinder Eggs in the Co op that were bought and haven't made it to Easter. A My Little Pony one for him and A Transformer one for us. He has ran off the little Transformer. Think we will have a look on Amazon. Maybe if we invest in "boy's toys" it will help us get past a "not allowed" that always crush us. Even if it's something we don't particularly want. The whole thing about people having that level of power over me is so permanently horrible. Well you get it. It's a big part of why we had to keep you so far away so much. It just wasn't possible for any of us to survive it if all of us knew nothing else.

We have the doubts of course but we are not reacting to them much. Doubt is like worry it just means that something hurts more than it needs to. Having you and Louise as part of our constant daily consciousness feels to grounding to be bull. Feels to everything. All we can ever do when the time between contact is soo long is wait and see what our brain brings us tomorrow. Feels real. Feels soon. 

That has to have been the last time one of us ever does that for each other.

Sisters he is bugging us. Really bugging us. Any time we try and impart any kind of information or knowledge to him it gets returned to sender with actuallys, well Is and various what we just saids. It gets us snappy, tearful and down beaten and we feel we are not able to deal with the causes of it all.

It's not his fault it's not our fault. They don't need to have their hands on boys for long their hands are all over cultures that made the kids mind before they get there. He spent years living in a culture of hate and unpredictability, around people we all needed us to be safe and far away from.

Asda delivery today though, noticed Mother's Day stuff is every where and got as some flowers and smelly candles and Guinness. I need to go back through and try and not be horrible to him even if he's being crappy to me. It's only until 7:30 when his colour screen time ends and he moves onto his kindle and we get the living room. And the Wii. It's soo fucking palpable how much our hungry littles hate watching him play a game they feel they need more, cause he's doing it all wrong, cause he keeps shooting the wildlife when we only fish or because he runs around too much because they are not used to be allowed fair turn. They don't expect to be spoken to and certainly don't expect to be heard if they do speak so they don't expect any different when we are asked for helped then ignored but they notice how it makes the closest they have to care takers feel and they hate it. We hate they whole "he talks to us like that because that's how people speak to us it will never change." thing. What difference does it make to parts that feel that the strongest that he is a child. He is nine. What did we know of childhood experiences and norms at nine or any age? How have we been treated by other nine year old boys..

The slavers wouldn't of needed much direct access to parts that feel so small, helpless and in danger to turn the indifference and vague affection towards him into terror and resentment either. That's one of those not matter what we have said or how convincing we sounded saying otherwise there is no going back from that in terms of how we see the people that we asked to help us stop and those that enabled them. We're struggling to accept whatever happened. Struggling to believe its something we can handle as we are. Very much a favourite weapon at the cerebral end of operations, keeping someone in a place where they have to stay dissociated and making sure that dissociation maintains vulnerability. Makes one feel in need of a Royal Broadsword or three. Last bow we got from a Lynel is amazing. Just as well coz it took ages and we went through loads of food and weapons.

Entire Goron set was bought today to with his help to find the village when he got in from school.

He keeps humming "Stronger than you". It's been months and months. We have started calling him out for it. Whatever pattern in his heid that he is fixated on and going over and over we have to start interrupting. For the kids and school staff as well as us and him.

There's not too much point in moaning to you about dude when you have your hands full. Love to all.

Didn't have a completely unsuccessful day myself. Found the Zora helmet which completes the armour and that is very exciting. Extremely exciting even. We will have to try and not tell dude tomorrow depending on what time he is up.

She's amazing and thank you for what you did and sorry for feeling like we like we had nothing left to fight with or for.

There is one tin left. We are a bit tempted but we probably wouldn't get to the bottom of it anyway. Are you going to send a man to us? Or a woman we could really love a woman or a neither. Tell you more about Zelda well we are getting ancient arrows now that make those Guardian mother fuckers infinitely easier to deal with. Been able to register faster, wilder horses. Really fast. Dude did a much better job fixing the first divine beast than we did he didn't manage to figure our how to do the battle that gets you in but once we told him we watched him deal with puzzles we were totally dense over. We can compliment each other really well when we aren't really irritating each other.

Yeah the hormones suck. Your gonna do fine.
Love you.







March 22, 2017

No more hospitals

Struggled with being irritable today but we missed a couple of days anti depressants because of the change to taking them after tea so we don't end up chucking up the pill and half a stomach of bile. Don't think twice about taking whatever you need to end this. It's what it's there for. We are trying not think about keeping the lad entertained during the summer holidays and starting to save for a computer. Such thoughts arn't as hard on us as last year and so much has happened but you know how it works. It can so heavy and so permanent before someone has even shut the door never mind months later.

Breathe. Be little. That's always the problem falling or being shoved into pretending we are a big girl. We need to go into to town and get another fairy. Having only two isn't right is it? I think they had different ones and we would like maybe a bigger one for her because she isn't here to demand her's is the same as ours.

That would cut down our Hyrule time though..

We will see.


March 20, 2017

March

We didn't just finish each other sentences we finished each other's ...  ...
thoughts.

No hope of much in the way of mental health after a loss like that. Even without all the other surrounding trauma.

Two appointments today. CPN in the morning. School in the afternoon. Both were fine. Progress being made people ok with that.

Was ok with N being down. Our confidence isn't as low so that makes everything a little better. Zelda of course to and he took the lad swimming while we cleaned that was also good, very good. In the meeting today his teacher said he focused better this morning than she has seen him in a while. Wish we could exercise him properly it makes so much difference to him and his mood.

We picked at out toenails last night. Including a little one until it bled and we were quite close to ripping it off. It was too sore though so we stopped. We don't feel as vulnerable to being effected by things our visitor says or his general attitude but it's still tricky because of stuff at levels we haven't bagged and tagged yet.

Think that was one of the many things you told us to not worry about especially at this point.




March 18, 2017

I can't do anything about the I.D but should really try move on from Louise's Spotify list.

What else is lost with Louise? Well not just relationships and good feelings about people but most of both mine and your will and motivation to fight for Earth. She saw so much potentials and good here much easier than me or you. We just saw scorched earth. We made sure she knew everything we did, she did but there was a different emphasis and an interpretation of something me or you couldn't anywhere with. She had beautiful points that were totally recognisable as her but there was something else to. Something that really bothered us. Fucking Satanic bastards. The Earthlings were destroying the one of us that cared about Earth  the most because they didn't want their privileges question or criminality exposed. Seeing that makes us want to fight for this shit hole. Just to piss the fuckers off. Not to die for obvious but enough to fight pretty fucking hard for here, for her.

It was a shame. She heard some of us and your conversations about her and her attitude to here and what here was doing to her. She said she didn't mind because she heard how much we loved her. There was a bit of her that rigidly believed that where ever me and you are going she couldn't come. She considered herself a liability because of the damage and we said, "Louise if they are accessing something in your head that keeps us vulnerable then we can take it out and put some other shit in." That what she had made her way more safe than me or you and our 100% wet ware. They were very good a hurting wet wear. They had no fucking idea what she was partially running. She would look at me doubtfully and say something about how as amazing as we were we couldn't create the true potential of wet ware. Impossible to argue with of course but a totally different point.

She had a plan. Or thought she did. We did get to the bottom of it but its not something we could recall you know what those levels are like. We have a sense of how heartbroken we were. How much love and respect we felt for her and the blinding burning dissociating determination to destroy everything that pushed her to that place.

I mean seriously "world" how the fuck would we not know what you were doing to her? Even if I was the only other one. You've been fabulously played on grand impressive scales but we don't feel you are going to have the luxury of pretending otherwise for much longer. Extremely big bets were placed without attempts to assess all available information and disregarding a lot of very relevant material. Things are out of anyone's control. Hopefully! And likely soonish if not already.

Tired of mourning could of beens.

:-)
xx






Tapp

Hiya Sis,

Got some lovely delicious weed. Soo glad. Sooo sooo glad. Where a you? We think we are seeing you all surrounded by panels and displays and buttons and tubes and stuff, enough room to move about, a rec area and a sleep area and shit loads of stuff we can't think about because we are here without any of that shit. People to, not many but there are all very focused. Which is good cause you have us blabbering to you all the time without us being all blocked off and you too scared to talk to us in case you trigger us and we arn't on a tight limit schedule.

That hasn't sunk in for us yet.

Now we are back to a place where we have to keep talking and thinking and feeling for you or we will feel triggered. What a relief. We are chuckling along to Modern Family while we write this, episodes we haven't seen heaps even better. We skipped onto the next one when J brought his black friend round to show the new black neighbours he wasn't racist because he was getting security put in. It was pretty painful. The stuff with Gloria and her accent gets like that. It's well adorable and funny when it's not being excruciating. Properly loling at times.

What did we say I was to do with all the hurt and rage and fear? Just be little. Yep. The state of the kitchen will tell you we are doing not too bad at that.  You reminded us that my survival was paramount. More important than truth, more important that here, more important than anyone else. After all the work we did we can't die here like this. We were so relieved. You didn't know quite how isolated and dissociated they had us. That must of been horrible but once we had showed the damage we could show you what we had done despite off and sometimes because of the damage. Then we both could be us again.

You told us to not care about how much we spend on weed, we need it and it's not forever. You told us to not feel ashamed of thinking and feelings one day that next something contradictory. Cause it was us, cause of our history and brain's we could show you the hardest stuff and you knew exactly what to say and do. Cause it was us and we all work endlessly to make sure we can.

It's no suprise that not enough is being done about Trump. Everyday that goes by more damage is done. Sure the budget won't get through as is but U.S was already right wing af. You will know all about that in lots more detail. Not like a vague overview is much fun either.

Behind you. In much bigger shinnies there are lots more and they are more relaxed and happy and excited.

I told you it doesn't go away didn't I that disbelief. No matter how much you experience it, how much you study it, how much off other people's experiences you share and how much science we've seen proven again and again you still don't believe they would fucking do it and keep doing it.

Yeah I'm getting there. Articulate what is lost with the loss Louise, who was the twin of us both. I feel our relationships with most of the U.S high profile folk is as frozen and dead and unrevivable as she is. Sex and lies and oppression and fame and lots of very satisfied supremacists and naive liberals pretending their hearts aren't broken by stuff they never talk about but somehow they are going to be ok.

I'm not going to tweet Jessie. Yes it would make sense to block him to avoid getting distressed and confused and all that. There is so much that is so very ouchy.


What a mess. Glad it's not my problem.


March 16, 2017

17

No weed left sis and not enough cash to buy more. We might end up deciding that we can afford a little more. Or can get over our pride/shame and ask N for dough. Found a mostly unsmoked spliff under the bed. Lovely weed, I just need more and more and more of that. Picked up the diazepam usual though its only a little and we don't like it that much.

But your on your way. Even if its gonna be little while yet.

March 15, 2017

stupid bloody zombies

Put some proper Zeldaing hours today. Not much else but did go to parent's evening. Sounds like he's argumentative and full of attitude there to. There is going to be a longer meeting next week. It's pretty shit when meetings with your kid's teacher are something you have to survive. It's too late.

The "I think" yesterday and the returning discomfort of not knowing. How many of us were there? Not knowing that is something we are okay with for now. The whole, "you think I would choose my mental health over your life? When I wouldn't have any any way." They were not going to change their minds about us existing. They had no minds to change. It was worth a shot. It wasn't easy seeing how bad things were going to get and then choosing that path anyway, not that there is much in the way of paths of course.

Did we really not tell you about the other one? There was stuff we had been keeping from you for a while and it had been driving you mental. We wanted to be certain first. Did it work? Probably.. how long until I know in any real material way, I have no idea.

The poor other girl. She took the name Louise. What with so many people around rejecting that name she wanted it. Which always makes me smile and shake my head. So her. We almost lost ourself, you, kids trying to make it a little less horrific for her but she was always too useful to them. She had so much heart we could never end it for her, we needed her, everyone needer her. You couldn't do it either. She wanted to do everything she could to fight for as long as she could. She was so awake on the day. It felt so wrong that I would be alive later when I was such a mess and she wouldn't. She was so fucking proud.

Are there any more? I don't think so or at least none any needs to worry about. God it was always soo good watching cunts blood pressure rise by saying that. I don't think so though. But it's hard to think straight through all the blood and shiny clinical surfaces. We agreed didn't we that we because of how she would be treated and her chances of getting out we should of probably finished her to but unlike the rest there was still life in her. So we didn't. Decades we kept her alive and as safe as we could.

We couldn't believe you just did what we said without asking, without knowing they were already very hurt and we got that creepy sense of someone much older than tiny little you and me watching us and judging. It wasn't working though. We were no more to blame for what we were doing the laid out little ones with the scooped out brains were to blame. We didn't draw up plans for instillations like that, we didn't staff and populate them. We were just two little kids trying to get away.

Yes we can entertain the possibility that you are alive. I'd rather not bother if you are going to die soon though. It's hard to get through all the local related horror, the generic Scottish Police plain clothes female abuser. It's around so much whenever we try to reach you or reach a part of us that can reach you. Could they have gotten you? Not impossible but well known to always be trying so it would depend who they were working with. Lots of reasons why that's unlikely to like the training, life experience, empathy, insight, intelligence and the fact that your my sister and not an abuser so we would of been bullshitting you a lot less.

Jacqui fairly pulled out lots of tricks to get us talking about you. One time she was talking about you and we said we knew it's just that its something we know there is no point trying to talk about not because it was too triggering but because it wasn't worth the punishment. We quite often knew what her order's would be before she did and knew what she was going to pull and have parts prepared for it we felt so strong after. Pretty sure that's not how therapy is supposed to work but you take what you can get. We knew the UK, especially Scottish police/intel/military/masonic abusers believed that mentioning our twin was too much for our littles because we missed you so much. They believed that because we told them it during RA that they were unaware we were more prepared for than they realised. It had to be true enough and is especially for the last few years but back then there wasn't a better way to sort us out than mentioning you. The more powerful Russian network had set up it up to be so. They were supposed to be my only way to access you as you know. They were the ones who enforced it and made sure it was enforced. It wasn't like there was regular communication going on and what was generally one way so finding who it was and persuading them to say what we told them wasn't that hard when we able.

Jacqui must of fucking hated us when she told us that indeed we were right there was to be no talk about being a twin. I don't know if we laughed and said "no shit" or just smiled at her. It felt pretty fucking good though. Incredibles style the only way to take these monster systems down is too get it to attack it's self. Oh my god I wonder how many times I have said that. All the internal pits and walls caving in as the thing they said to make us workable and rapeable turn us superhuman instead. Marvellous. "There's no way we would be feeling like this if you were about die soon." Then we would remember what was going to happen and fall to pieces. We know what they would say "you wouldn't know" but that comes from ranks who don't actually  know how it works at it's core and how the combined intellectual and cognitive abilities of slavers is not intimidating. They don't seen those things as routes to freedom or power they are committed to the sadism and dirty cash route. They had literally been breeding intelligence and creativity into their slaves while deseleting it from themselves forever. What need did they have to figure anything out they had been forcing others to do it for them for a very long time?


Our support of course to. Support that we have seen enough of to know it still exists even if it's been a few months. Tired now.

Love you Me.
xx




March 14, 2017

might not be predetermined this time

Breath of the Wild is fucking excellent babe, soo beautiful. We aren't doing massive long shifts of it, can't really concentrate that much and it's too good to binge anyway.

It's amazing being a twin isn't it? Especially us. Learning to share, support and take care of each other was easy. No wonder we burn our lungs out when you are not around it hurts so much to breathe anyway.

We've been remembering about the whole you saying we were right thing and that of course relates to our very early origins. All that shit about going back. You can't go back it's gone it doesn't exist. There was only so much brain we could give you back though and it showed sometimes.. Your body had been through so much. So much deliberate damage by others So much obstacles to us being left together and alone. ""Can't happen". Scum. We saw it back then of course. Think that was when we really started to find ways of staying alive regardless of it being true or not. We would deal with it later and it might not happen anyway and we would fight for you no matter what. Attempting to look after me was one thing but you were worse when we were little. So stupidly brave because you knew we had to. I was the one who had to focus on us staying alive and we do feel like we failed pretty horrendously there. We think.

Another ref though thank fuck. A light and some fresh air in the descending fascist smog from who people who will destroy everything for everyone to maintain an irrational sense of superiority.

There will be so many really nasty sorts against it..:-D. We're such a war addict..

Wish you were here to help me stop giving a fuck and just care about me.


March 13, 2017

ouchies 2017 style

Well the kid is in school with food in his tummy and a snack for break. And we have took our meds and had a piece of raisin toast. It's a bit sunny outside we stood in the door way and felt the warmth of it while the kettle boiled. Maybe we could take a little walk later. Maybe not though to. It's a crying forever kind of day.

They want me to feel like you might of made it if it wasn't for our amnesia, that they were doing their best for us both but we hadn't told them what they needed to know, that it wasn't that bad. It's all utter crap of course.

We can't seem to care much what the consequences will be for writing about you but we know we wouldn't be able to write and think if we were that scared but maybe its just gotten to the point where it's essential to our survival that we remember and mourn.

We had a few days of taking the pill late or not at all and are feeling pretty achey. Maybe we would be more active if it wasn't for that. We do want to live. To go out. To see things. We just don't feel ready to do it alone or alone but in charge of nine year old. It's terrifying and we know we feel that way because it was arranged for us and forced on us but it doesn't help.

It was such a relief when I was little and was trying to figure out what I should do, there was so many opinions about what we needed to be, what our prioritise should be but we had good help navigating it all. The most important thing was to be myself and trust myself to know what I needed to do. That made it easy because all we needed most for that was you.

Of they knew that is what we would decide although some genuinely believed that was how we felt because that's what they told us to feel and not because that's what twins often say. People like that would go mental when they saw that I had said what they wanted me to say and then other stuff that they hadn't and looked all confused when we said that was because we were going to say it anyway and that was the only reason we would ever say what he wanted me to say.

Baby steps..






Made of Love.

Wasn't gonna write tonight. Need to though. The lad has add a really bad attitude and tone of voice with us. It's no wonder but it still breaks our heart, triggers us, makes us a bit scared of all the distance that everything has put between us. I don't know if he remembers you. We have said a few wako things to him over the past few years from all the horrible states we were in and we don't want to add it but we are still worried that a part of him is waiting for us to and needs us to say something and we don't know what to do.

We did make it out for a little while today. Not for long but enough to stretch our legs and be in open air.  You will be as disappointed as I am that it is still the same place out there and we still have meetings at the school to go to alone.

Got some lovely weed though. Sticky enough to be tricky to skin up with.

Remember that conversation in the flat when you were smoking and I said something about you not being all that into it and you said you didn't like when they had us apart I could easily get how it would remind you of us to much. Then we wondered out loud if that was why we fucking detested not being stoned because it reminded us of you. Then we sat on the couch and talked about weed and DID and surviving all the places we had been kept, abusers and things that had been done.

We had avoided this conversation for long enough. The one where we share the information and skills that if the other one had known would of made so much difference.

Things would generally go really awful really quickly whenever we were together and alone. It wasn't to happen and they would use all their systems to separate us. It was impossible to get anyone who wasn't already in or wanted in to believe so much what was going on. Rarely much time to argue of course as well. While everything that surrounded them would be pushing them to never be able to believe it and see what we were showing them with real verifiable evidence.

So much belief in "due process" and "respecting established procedures" we would both lose it with them. "Do think the people currently doing X, Y and Z are going to respect any of this when they come into power."

We often had a sense that it was more did't care than couldn't believe that in later years some people went to a lot of effort to make us question that. It was to late though and it was actually quite nice to listen to them explain themselves at length and the carefully and beautiful worded requests and then say we couldn't do anything if we wanted to because it hadn't worked out for us so far and because America was about to become another failed Trump "business" enterprise we had to remove any all of our moveable interests out of the U.S. Sometimes there was "how do you know"s or "no they said that wouldn't happen"s or other highly scoffable stuff.  Then the calls would usually move onto when the next call would be and we could say that due to the nature of the British and Russian based Surveillance and violence from various sources that no one was doing anything about we would not be any more communications until situations changed.  We would feel quite content for a little after sometimes for a long time. It was tried in the hospital though. We watched as the hospital staff pretended to be us to save their sorry asses? ideological hate based reasons? cause they were victims who had lost the ability to be anything else?

Whatever. It was truly disgusting. Every aspect of it.

I was glad you weren't around to see it in the flesh like that. Then we wished you were because you would off slaughtered them then realised I wouldn't be in that fucking place if you were still alive and that was going to have to start accepting it. Soon. But not there, then.

I was hardly in a place to support that and that's why it's so hard to be here and why they are so determined to keep us here.

I believe that determination for us to be elsewhere exists though. Even if we are struggling to have any sense of it at the moment. Music is so youish its too hard to listen without a glass of wine. I'm not expecting you to do anything about I'm just sayin..

Anyway hun, gotta go lap top in bed is killing our back. Love u. xx









March 11, 2017

Oh no Sir it's just yourselves, the Brits and the Russians left at this level and I've already had this phone call with them.

Remembering with more and more vividness. Her faces. Her voices. Her physical presence. When I said we were taking down the centre of the twin slavery system even if it would cost both our lives the entirely predictable answer we got was "It will." It couldn't wait any longer or they would be able to kill us both and we might of said something like that to him, he repeated about of fiction that he believed but we knew was fiction because we helped create it. The call ended not long after that it wasn't like we had ever seen much sign of agency in the guy. We sat on the coach in the flat and Dundee desperately trying to think of a way we both could live. We had done a lot to fix our mind but it wasn't any where near the level we needed it at to fix this. Even when it was there was always too much pointed at us to be able to do enough.

We had to live. We couldn't live. Just what some them wanted. With only me alive there would be increasing split between those that thought I could be of some use or who didn't seen us as a real threat and those that want us dead at all costs. Without her we would no longer be vulnerable to being manipulated or groomed with promises or hints that they could help us. I wouldn't have to worry about them knowing when did or didn't know where she was. I wouldn't have to worry where she was any more. We watched these thoughts run letting them become less identifiable as anything to do with us then we closed our eyes and let ourself go back to where and when we had heard this shit first. We are already knew or pretty much knew from working with all the files but knowing what lots of paper and surveillance is pointing to is not the same as actually remembering. When we did and after the sudden rush of anxiety and terror we felt a rush of warmth and strength and truth. We felt ourself and our edges so firmly and could see and understanding the relationships with the past and everything ongoing.

Some of us already where this was heading of course. That we wouldn't be able to stop ourself from wondering why this had just happened. That they wouldn't be able to keep us there, freeze us forever in that joy and relief. Just the warmth and strength had spread all over and through us it vanished when we saw what had woke us. There was no point hiding or pretending any more we were going to loose her it was all for nothing. We couldn't be. We would have to figure out something else.

And not die of course because the thought of how smug that would make the bastards is what has kept our heart beating. (and the scale of the horror that would be unleashed on innocent people of course) We had no choice there was no way we could be conscious of Julia and survive all the Johnston/Fife/Brit/organised crime/Masonic/Russian/Supremacist Yank evilness over the past four years.

The time apart and the torture really made us some of the most insufferable boakingly close twins you would have the uneasiness of coming across. No twins are ever that identical though.. knowing how many people knew what was being done to us but went along with it. Massive amounts of shitty, deadened jealous and owned people. All the time knowing we were not able to handle why we hated the family, communities and the institutions here the way we do. Not the kind of thing that is likely going to start getting better because we aren't as split, can remember her and us and could even talk about her when they still have so much.

Big difference though eh for any infant and it didn't get much easier as you get older.. how and who you are when you are with your twin and who you are when you are not only not with them or allowed contact but are being told that they do not exist over and over and hurt for mentioning her by the people who decided if we got food and shelter.

Hope your with us tomorrow gorgeous so you can help us take our kid out to the park and not be narky with him if we do..
Love you.






Hey babe,

Me again. Don't know what we have to write but we wanted to try anyway. We just miss you. All the time. When I was cleaning my room we saw a stack of notebooks in one of the drawers we realised some of it would of been written by you and are wondering now if we can figure out which.  We are probs just wanting to rush or skip steps though. How much did we fall for any of the "only way you will be able to keep her alive is by sending as little time with her and by pretending you don't know her when you do see her shit. Not much I don't think it was too painful.

Christ I wish I wasn't doing this alone, physically alone. I know you are here. I love you to. xx

March 10, 2017

We are stopping the work on twins even if it costs both our lives..

Bed day today. Getting the lovely clean bedding all messed up with bits of baccy, hash. ash and chocolate.  The lad is at school though and it's Friday. We know what our job is this now and it is to remember you and the terror that if I talk about you, if I am with you if they even think I am thinking about you they will kill you. Of course they had no idea how we were in touch. Master manipulators of our own and each other's DID. They had no chance the Russia specialists could tell a hell a lot more about us but we had both made sure they did't do that much because it was too risky for them. What does it matter who they took as to if the people taking us there couldn't tell me were all awake and all prepared and very much focused on ridding the planet of certain skill sets. We were both a bit jealous that we couldnt do it all and had to send Russians or other stateless trafficked freaks like us to deal with people and places that while we were elsewhere with clean hands.

There was no way we couldn't do it, there was no way they wouldn't find out it was us and there was no way they would be letting it go. We were a bit surprised at some of people and communities that were working hard to protect us both but it was too late. They had no idea what they were up against and how physically close to them it either already was or could get very quickly.

They mentioned you when we first started taking dude to that school didn't they? Not that we could of written about it then but it was one of the mental triggers that was pulled on us then at the school. We knew it was planned and at least had some words to say so there wouldn't be that thing where they all sit and stare with cold eyes while you drown. Think the neighbour said the police told her when she lost her lad that was a twin. I'm not sure if we said something about it all still being to traumatic for us to talk about or hear about especially when it comes from police who spent our entire lives telling us that we don't exist while producing and spreading total fiction about us to everyone else.

Bit of a conversation stopper if we did. Saying things that stop a conversation dead isn't usually something we struggle with.

Seeing them all standing around pretending they gave a fuck. We have never hated Britain more.

So what's the deal with Russia, Masonic networks in Europe and America and white male supremacy? Must be bugging to be in a position to wonder those questions and wonder who knows what but not have all the answers..








I believe there are fairies who use magic to help nice people..

Yo Sis,

Well there was another non happening today with the lad and school. His attendance has been a lot better I don't know what it was today. Something about seeing the new social worker maybe, or recovery from the virus or just cause I know you would rather he never left the living room than spend a minute in that fucking school. I was always a bit more able to accept as part of being kept here and not taking him means intrusion from people who are working for institutions that never were or never will be safe for us. You never needed to be reminded of that.

Got a phone call from the school. If they were phoning to check on us she didn't say she made an appointment for us to go up. Parent's evening is coming up but that is only ten minutes or so. She said it wont be quite a big a meeting like the previous one's in terms of how many will be there. It doesn't matter how it goes it's still going to trigger 2014 which triggers everything ever and that's gonna fuck us up a bit.

Day wasn't a total no goer though. We got the bus into town. Went to Game bought him his first subway he has been wanting to try for a while. He didn't like the sauce with the meatballs though and most of it was left I scoffed my spicy Italian. Should of got more salad. Should of went for the foot. Got us both new socks and us a new jumper. We thought of you when we were standing in the cue and then went back again to the rails with the another grey garment and bought a bluey grey one instead. Went to boots for hair product. I dont know if I have the right stuff and I'm not very sure what to do with it but we do know that short hair can be a nightmare first thing if you can't always be arsed showering before leaving the house.  It's still so decent to have money to buy socks and subs and hair product and go to Game. We don't feel the same anxiety about it being taken away not that we don't think it could happen. We just bothering with the anxiety so much. Not that we could do that buying shit every day but remembering how awful it was before we got the benefits and how we were scared for so long because we are told we would be punished for having enough to eat, buy clothes sometimes, smoke..

I'm in fresh line dried bedding again! Spotify folk list on. Halleluji came on. We weren't sure you know. Probably because we were never sure about him. But yep. It was perfect. He was perfect. We said sorry after about being so suspicious of him for ever he said it was okay that no matter how suspicious we were we did well by him. We got him out. Then we both looked towards you because we both knew that it was you needed him it didn't matter what I thought. I gave him a hug and really meant. We were truly glad he was there and we knew that wasn't the first time we have thought that about J.E.F but we were often resentful as fuck around him.

 Giant sleeping t-shirt lined dried to. We got you into them to. We were going into town and was able to buy stuff for us both and asked what kind of jammies you were into. You were ambivalent and we said something about if she wanted girlie shit or not, we don't mind the jammie bottoms but the tops were too chessy and never fitted comfortably round the bra less boob area and there was no way we would wear a nightie again. Then it dawned on us that you probably had similiar issues with women's pjs and nighties so we offered to buy you some of your own and showed you the XXL on the label on giant man t-shirt that was lying around. We can't remember what we bought. There is a bit of an impression that we would of aimed for more colour for yours than we go for. Think we can remember standing in the hall when you were in the livingroom next to the big table and showing you what we had bought and you going quiet. Then saying they were perfect. We knew they would be. We were so proud.

There is something else we bought. We were in the works. We've been pushing the lad a bit harder about reading the classics. He buy's £1 minecraft stories and they are done in twenty minutes. We got him to read the lion the witch and wardrobe. Took since Xmas though.. We forgot it's the second and not the first which hasn't helped. He told us the word for things being in numerical order. I can't remember what it was and couldn't spell it anyway.. We picked up Peter Pan for him and harangued him into picking another. They had Enid Blyton box sets (Magic Faraway Tree!!) he doesnt want anything to do with Horrible Histories either because it's to horrible and we get that but still.. he went for Treasure Island. Fair enough.. It's got lots of words.

There was a fair amount of fairy stuff in as well. We bought two little fairies standing in front of doors. We kind of wish they were mirror images rather than they same but in different coloured dresses and flowers. Yellow and blue. There was a few colours. We didn't want to hang about there thinking about you and me and colours for to long. That wouldn't of been good. We will try and put the pictures of them here.

Yesterday he got crap at school and said later on like he felt like nothing mattered.. We know he needs more, more exercise, more people, more education, more peers.. and less of course to less screens, less Fife, less trauma in his flesh, less of a trafficked mom and less of a dead mom to.

Matty Grooves came on :D

Okay so the fairies had poems inside the packaging. Individual poems..

Love you.





March 08, 2017

Wednesday

Hey Sis,

International Women's Day today. It puts some good stuff on the news and on the TL but it can be reminder of how shit things are to.  The new social worker was round and was actually quite glad because it got us off our arse and did some hoovering and dishes. Knackering though. We are so out of shape. Forced into the shower to which we would of done anyway to wash all the crap the hairdresser put in it. Love washing our hair for the first time after its been chopped. It's so short at the back. Not so sure about the fringe its getting in our face and bugging as a bit but its cool we needed the change. And to stop pretending we are you.

A couple of people have been viewing old blog posts and its good to see the titles in the stats without the veil covering you and us back then.

Wish you were here so we could laugh at Wikileaks and the CIA. So you would be sitting on the couch next to us watching world leaders on tv with  us. Saying "ooooh" and "wow" and "fuck" while playing the new Zelda with us. Wish you were here to help with our son of course to. Really, really wish you were here for him.



March 07, 2017

So close.

Hey Sis,

Today wasn't so bad. As crappy as it was yesterday we did make an appointment with a hair dresser that we went to today. The "lovely thick hair" and the "are you sure" about cutting it off. They were nice though. She cut off a decent hand full of it and then put it on the shelf below the mirror in front of us. We couldn't stop looking at it and smiling. The weight of it.. After she cut it though she started back combing and hair spraying.. We didn't say anything we were kind of curious as to were she was going with it. You would of laughed. She gave us inches. We didn't care much but don't like that lovely short hair is all full of crap and hard and sticky. Don't want to wash it again today. That would be three times in one day. I think it us been through enough.

Bit more able to remember good stuff and appreciate it and not just feel the loss. A little bit. It was very cool being your twin even when they were keeping us physically close to each other but not letting us make eye contact. It was always so good when however's shift it was was friendly, negligent or just dumb so we could hang out in a cupboard for a little while and not be dissociated.

Fed him steak tonight. Tuesday is our pizza night because of the two for one but I am so sick of it. Thankfully he was open to negotiation tonight so  I defrosted a lone streak for him and ordered chips from a Chinese and a started platter for me. Like the sauces from that place they taste decent and don't turn to a solid as soon as they are lukewarm like they do from the near by place.

Got some vino to.

So fucking close. And we were so fucking close to not ever telling you how fucking close it was. It meant distance in the remaining time we had though so we had to say.  You finally got why we sweat the small stuff so much because so often life and death swings on the small stuff. The final straw can be almost nothing but without it pivots wouldnt of happened when they did with such horrific consequences.

But it's not like I could give you back everything everything nature gave you and broken human's running twisted systems took away. We knew someone out there horrific and well connected would be putting everything they could into finding out what I can do but you couldn't. Someone who didn't have to worry about and try and survive local police, local thugs, local rapists and national governments like us and yours always have.

It's not just losing a twin, or a sister in surviving and resisting, we lost a whole system. That takes a long time to "recover" from. We believe in you though. We trust you. We will wait to see what you and we believe and us together so much so we can wait to see what you have done. And what we did together when we didn't have to hide anything from each other any more.












March 06, 2017

Hey Sis,

We aren't fevered any more and the cough is getting better but mood? Ug. We can't do this without you. We tried so hard to keep you alive. We didn't care about our memory, about the truth about money or justice we just needed you. I was the butcher one wasn't I? Until they stopped that. You hated having your hair short like I hate mine being long.

What I am to do with all this hate? All the people that knew about us and did and said nothing. We can't understand how they could all do that. Not without you. Just feels like there has been endless effort and sacrifice for very little. It's impossible to be proud that we got us to a place where we could write and publish this when so much more was possible.

It always took both of us giving everything we had just to make one of lives liveable for a little while how are things going to get any better for me and our son without you? We could defend. We would feel nothing before, during and after but our body would keep us safe from immediate threats but improving our situation? After all the horror, lies and loss and cover ups and betrayal.. I pray our friends have got this but when they haven't before hope seems so far away.

Thats how they work it. Making it so you only feel like yourself with your twin and then taking them away. So you can never feel like yourself again and can't work while they keep everything they got out of us when we were together.

We long for destruction. Not for ourself but for the individuals, networks and institutions that made us and make this shitty little prison of a planet what it is.

I miss you Me. I love you.






March 05, 2017

So many.

There were times, a few times when it seemed so possible that she could make it and we could be together and look after each other but there was too much and too many against us for whatever paranoid, greedy or made up reasons. She said it would be okay to not worry but it wasn't ok. I needed her there was too much for one person to do and because she knew and loved me and I knew and loved her even when I was too dissociated to think or be anything. The manipulation of attachment needs between twins.  So many volumes from over the centuries on how to torture us. So much fairly well perfected by the time me and Julia came along. The more identical the better, R.A, trafficking, D.I.D, twins and other identical freaks. It was going on everywhere. Not so much now. How far we got in shutting down Russian operations and how much people have managed to continue the work without us I don't know atm. We used to spend a lot time trying figure out who was first and who was worst now between the Brits and the Russian's but would eventually come to the conclusion it was a waste of time that trying to do so was splitting hairs then we shudder at the very RA pun "splitting heirs". As we got older we would notice how how our train of thought would fall apart at such questions and decided to have another look over stuff if and when we could.

The graves go back so far that it just gets impossible and too overwhelming to be confident about the earliest origins but things kept looking a lot less muddy when it come to the modern systems.

We avoided the American's for as long as we could trying to get our head, our feelings into something more manageable. It was working. We were in standing in the middle of our little room the world literally spinning. What could we do, not tell him how things were looking because we hate it when the smug bastards are right? Deciding to go find him and tell was the only thing that stopped the room spinning. We didn't want to talk to Julia about it. She would just look at us with big innocent eyes and say something like, "I know." or "of course."

When we found him fears about smugness evaporated at how worried he seemed at the state of us. Then we remembered clearer our history with him and how he had no idea how far back "really far back" meant and he wasn't the type to gloat anyway especially over stuff like this. He was very quiet and pale and in shock by the time we got through it as people generally are. We showed to him the differences between what we thought the Brits were and doing and what they were actually doing trying to put a positive spin on it but because it was all new to him he didn't have any "worst fears" about the Brits there was knowing there to comfort him. He wasn't seeing any positives.

We hoped once he pretty much staggered out that we hope he would remember some of what we just told and shown him after they did whatever they were going to do to him because of us.

Every turn in her history seems either through accidental or design to have emboldened the worst in Russia and obliterated the good. Like Britain but everything on a much much bigger scale.

Lungs are not getting much better and its no wonder. We are struggling. Can't even face the stunningly beautiful new Zelda. It was so horrible being in states where we had to not think about her or remember her when she was alive but now there is no end to it. Not that we are thinking about ending it of course especially when their is so much entertainment coming out the states. It's just hard to see how we are going to ever to start to feel better. It's not like there are people all over twitter calling for Theresa May to be impeached or whatever the equivalent is. The Tories arn't being investigated for ties to Russian gangsters and oligarchs although there is plenty to look into. Believe people are looking into the intelligence that came out of Russia in regards to myself and my sis and the relationships between Brit intel community and Russian and by intel community I mean abuse and trafficking rings.

Unlikely that we see Jake or Don on air disclosing any of that any time soon but you never know. That sense of the outside world being stuck in a place I can't get into isn't like it was. Doesn't feel quite so lonely to be spinning any more.

Wish we could talk to the bairn about where we are at. We haven't been able to talk to him about it since he asked not long after it happened if his other mummy was dead. Someone had told him. We have been so lost to him. He lost us both and so much else.

..

"Do you think we will be leaving situations as they are?" He was serious faced and said it motioning to the files between us on the desk. We took a deep breathe and attempted to be in our body and looked into him then shook our head.

"Nah Sir."

March 04, 2017

"Sorry Sir but I'm not giving Steve Bannon or any of his mates me or my sister's eggs and that isn't negotiable."

They didn't want us thinking or talking about about her. Some because they are still pushing line about neither of us existing, some because they didn't want people knowing she was dead and also because they didn't think the loss, the amnesia and everything that has happened over the past few years would be survivable. To some killing one of us would always be a step in getting rid of us both, others figured would be much more manageable without Julia.

We were thinking about the service yesterday and the working out before hand who we needed there, who we would be happy to see there and who should definitely not be there. I'm so glad we were able to do that or parts of it anyway and could say something on the day. Everyone did amazing work. The place was so beautiful and so many people were in as much of a mess as we were it was kind of wonderful. Marshall sharing what feds had told him what had been done to her brain and what we had done and been doing to bring her back. We hadn't be able to tell many people about that, at all, ever. We told her when she was able to start asking questions it is so important to be able to ground yourself in reality when you are fighting this shit, regardless of what that reality is. All those agents and institutions pushing the "complex lies are essential to keep you safe" line its profascist crap and we always knew it. And they don't have her or most of their tech anymore so we don't have to find ways to try and tolerate it. We had a twin. They wanted us to be their slaves and help them enslave others we wouldn't they kept trying to force us and then killed her. "They" is international networks that can reach pretty much anywhere on Earth but the architects are from and based mostly in Western Europe with the especially the UK and Russian where it has been going on the longest. France needs a mention to because of the Knights Templar.

Empires and colonialism, war, culture, capitalism and politics it's been all over it for along time and is currently trying to roll back rights for everyone through the populist right wing coups currently ongoing on long prepared for. As you can also see. It might not all go according their plans which are of course based on fiction..

I need my sister.

We can't let them kill us both. We used to safe and she said to, a few times, near the end especially. It feels like it was weeks ago, not years. That's the oppression and denial for you though. And maybe being a twin to. There was lots of us. Sets of twins where one had chunks of them removed and the remaining twin was forced to work with them to help hide the damage while protecting whatever programming they were instilling. Far from the only one to be left without their other half, which is a little comforting but doesn't really touch the overwhelming sense of devastation all that much either.

We were asked by those that had her remains and have been asked before if we had been created using natural processes. We can't remember any detailed answers just saying that we believed they had ways of encouraging what happens when identical twins are created naturally and even asked to bring those specifics back. We would either have to bluff or say outright that no we were not bringing home human cloning techniques to white supremacists as I was already currently engaged in trying to get human cloning techniques out of the hands of white supremacists. We've been asked why. We have given various answers from, "Don't like it Sir it's all false." to "Lots of my favourite people are white.", "It's bad for the economy." or "White people are scum Sir their day is over." but the truest is the most simplest and easiest for us all to keep centred on, "No one should have a life like me or my sister." When possible or just "like I'm living" when it wasn't.

It was usually the answer that resulted in the most silence from whatever it was asking the questions to.

I love you Me.



March 02, 2017

post catatonic

She would want us to get up, to go out, smile at people, breath outside air, feel better but we can't yet so she would be glad we are listening to music. Lots of jazz recently but made by us list today. We will get some stuff done later. Christ it hurts so much. I'm not sure how much before Laura's death it happened. Not much but long enough that we weren't catatonic any more.

We know what we need to do now is not worry about what we need to do or what's going to happen next. That although it feels like we are going to spend the next four years feeling like I have over the last four but that probably isn't true. Remember how dissociated we were? How vast swaves of ourself and our past were no go areas? Now there is just patches that keeping filling themselves in.

The rage over the loss and why they did it isn't going to kill us either because it doesn't end here. Knowing some of her words and truth are here helps.




March 01, 2017

Extreme actions were justified.

At least we know right? All that knowing something utterly devastating had happened but we have to keep it out of our mind because we are already dealing with too much already we weren't sure we could make it. Dude is her's. Like we said we weren't sure  about carrying him but we definitely breast feed him. She hated it anyway. Dumb sickos can't tell one female from another even when we couldn't look any different never mind us when aiming to confuse.

It wasn't like we were the first set of twins to be created to be treated in the way we were. It didn't start with the Nazi's either. After the wars the people involved in organising and protecting it worked for States and were doing it with military budgets and other twentieth century resources..  It all sounds like right wing fake news we know, we saw the size of the operations against anything anywhere that promoted universal basic rights before they happened. They used us as much as they could so both of us had to keep ourselves and each other stupid to limit what they got from us. It had be tailored over centuries, "how to keep a person a subservient slave and exploit them to their full potentials without loosing those natural abilities for longer.."

But yeah it was really presidential if you like your presidents to be the villians from lego movies.

..

We know people are needing us to say it, the line about hating Tory Britain and everything it stands for but at least they didn't make our Jimmy Savile P.M.

I don't know if the information getting out late as usual will make any difference. We were already lost. So was everyone else. Like we were interested in those conversations? "Sorry our ignorance about yourself and the nature of reality in general has meant we have been working initimately with your slavers and your childrens' slavers while we refused your calls and it cost both of you everything including your sister's life but aspects of Russia, U.K and U.S and others are really really bad and have really awful things are ongoing and worse planned will you help us?..
...
......

Gonna drink some tea. Take a break from the vino. Don't think we will handle be in room with lad and TV too teary.




Twin

There's a bottle of wine downstairs but it's only four o'clock. It can wait. We went back to sleep in the morning and woke up to "twin" and "sister" blaring in our head. We felt too awful for the CPN so we phoned and cancelled, we still have enough of the cold and sound awful anyway. Considered phoning the school to tell him to walk himself home but didn't, the sun was out it had some warmth in it and we needed supplies anyway. Gave him a heads up on the way back "Mum is having a bad day could can get sweeties and a magazine." That always goes down very well and we get told we a whole bunch of lovely things.

"You will have to choose a snack or ready meal for tea sorry." On the other hand, does not. Before we were sent into hospital and him into care there were times he cried when we said that. It doesn't happen so often now so he grudgingly accepts.  We ate most of a shop bought blt with orange juice then a fudge doughnut and tea so we are doing well. Back in bedding we dried on the line yesterday with Laura's old laptop and way more spliffs than is wise for lungs in this condition. It's lovely weed though.

Everything is opening up. As it does. Specific moments in landscapes of specific moments spreading out with increasing detail for as long as we can bare to look. The good times to. Those times when we were both with my soldiers, "Our soldiers". They other side would let us bond for a while, heal then they would take one or both of us back and used torturing us to manipulate the other and everyone else. We were too lost without her. We  had to not think about it. We had to not be.

I don't know how many of the people immediately involved in making that night happen are still alive. She worked out the best damage limitation she could. Certainly lots of the people who supported it and paid for it are still alive because they appear to in charge of various nation states as they were then in some cases. It had been decided that one of the three of us me, her or junior there had to die and had to die then. There had been to much lies and ignorance and danger for too long for us to be able to get the support we needed  in the time we needed it. Afterwards of course there wasn't much point in trying to speak to me because I wasn't there.

It's 16:46 that's wine o'clock enough.

Your me

Felt well enough for some fallout today, first time in over a week i think. Stinking colds. We are mostly wondering around the edges of the map seeing what we can find. Got flame power armour paint job. Nice.

We wanted to write something about her. We avoid the word "twin" and don't think it is just because we have been told to. She was us but also not us and lots of the time we couldn't bare the thought of the existence that meant for her so she couldn't escape and couldn't protect either of us. We knew my brain could find a way out eventually but she didn't have that. They took that from her. We would slip sometimes and start sympathising with people who were repeating the fiction that I was torturing and trafficking us both but whenever she knew we were feeling that her rage was very palpable regardless of how coherent she was. "Just bad." She said just like people had said to me and I had said to her when we were wailing and screaming to know why. She would get so frustrated so quickly if I was slow to know what she was meaning.

It was so hard, just impossible to think about and know either of us when we were still having to play at families with people who are just bad. Margo blotted her out completely and we seem to have a long way to go in understanding how that came about. It wouldnt of been Margo that blotted her out it was the mother and all her associates.

There was a funeral. It was beautiful. We remembering wishing we were in a better state to appreciate it.

We are still scared of feeling it, the rage in particular but we are beginning to. We definitely refuse to continue to feel scared about how our feelings might effect other people and am losing the the distorted sense that we are in responsible for anything that happens because of other peoples unmanaged feelings.

They knew that life in Scotland after Julia's death would make it even harder to survive and they figured they had so many options someone was bound to finish us but they didnt reckon on how much she was with us and everyone else whenever we fight or are close to giving in. We have hated ourself so much for not being able to keep her safe, for the things they were doing to her and using her for and hated ourself for feeling something so strongly that upset her so much and putting more distance between us when we had so little time together in horrible conditions. It's time to start wading through all that. Wish she was around to help us with it.