September 17, 2019

New things

Stuff from Amazon starting to arrive. Very cool except for the cardboards boxes filled with paper and another cardboard box. It will all get in the recycling bin eventually. Bit worried about spending too much and equally about going for cheapest options that are not fit for purpose and wasted cash. Hope arrivals tomorrow inspire me to make flat nice been slipping. Usual reasons, pain, mood, not sleeping, sleeping during the day.

Psychs today were talking about sleep hygiene, was sent away from a leaflet that we haven't look at yet. Even if we could (and we can't) get daily exercise, use relaxation methods, not eat much or drink tea in the evening the sleep fear is still going to be there. As lucid as our dreaming can be its not lucid enough to be able to get away from the misery themes that have been the basis of so much of lived experience and the things we are afraid because there was a real possibility of happening when we slept are not all things we could discuss with NHS professionals and of course its those things that are the roots of the deepest fears and dreads. We don't feel able to attempt to start a list here on in handwriting that we have been doing more of mostly about Louise.

You know in the past as we chocked on and forced out words about Louise and have been asked about the nature of our relationship it would get us confused, we were no where near ready for that when still struggling with her existing at all. Now we feel those questions were asked because whoever was asking already had information from another source, another source and authority on us that doesn't help me, never helped Louise and was all about enforcing the slavery and the emotional/physical tortures from a position of state provided security and comfort. Now we really wish we had punched them hard and repeatedly in the face and maybe sometimes we did but the memories lie out of reach along with most of the rest of the violence that we dealt out or were subjected to.

There was also talk today of having a plan of what to do should I or Pablo be approached by nasties. Sensible, sure and our waking and sleeping nightmare have had us worried about this anyway but we don't know what the fuck we could do beyond employing inner resources. Every agency, charity possible source of support is another risk and we don't feel like adding to the existing ones. ''There is security.'' We have be made to repeat it, hoping that is we said it enough and if we got the right parts to say it, it might sink in. Hasn't worked yet though. We don't have the specifics so we don't believe it even though we know we don't have the specifics on an shit tonne of stuff that doesn't mean there aren't real.

Stupidly watch some of Morning Joe. Don't think there is much that sickens us more about America than second amendment rights, or rather the far rights interpretation of them. Fuck social, employment, health, childrens' or legal due process rights we just want guns, lotsa them. And that prick going on about it not being a good idea to impeach people that repeatedly ignore and break laws and have clearly zero respect for the constitution. Those oaths are not legally binding of course why would they we, there just oaths.. Will stick to Maddow, Reid, the Rev and the rest of them and ignore the a.m. reach out to Fox watchers. Over hear Johnson makes us feel the same as Trump, Kavanagh and the ancient evil insanely greedy turtle prick that runs the U.S senate - physically ill and horrifically dissociated with a lust for large scale destruction.

House improvements on the way though in the form of plants and pretty pots and hangers. Van Gogh prints. Clothes for both inside and outside some of which surely will fit comfortably.. 

September 15, 2019

You will never understand how it feels to live your life with no meaning or control

Some of the songs we have been listening to recently reminded us of it and inspired a mental note to look up that Mazzy Star track. We had already gone from noticing and no longer disregarding the memories when it came on without us looking for it when we stuck on a made for you Spotify list.  There wasn't any 'I think..' about it, it just was. She stuck with the name because it was the easiest for both of us to remember and because it really pisses the ranks of slavers when their efforts to completely alienated you from yourself becomes a basis of empowerment. Then when Pulp's Common People come on after the memories on lying on the bedroom floor in Skene together with getting seriously, consensually and intensely physical for the first probably last time with her or anyone.

As younger kids we had collapsed on a prickly forest floor together when we could run no longer and were sure we had lost them but had to stay low and still we were so overjoyed at finding not just someone alive but another girl I couldn't stop myself from looking too deeply and seeing where see was headed. It was impossible for her not to feel relief at knowing that she would definitely be out of it all one day and that day was only about a decade away. I couldn't cope with it though and did the only thing I could and that was to give her my mind in its entirety as it was back then before most of the genocide, before the breeding to try and find some kind of justice revenge anything that might make it a little tiny bit better. I know we would be nothing but absence and hate knowing we couldn't stop it from happening and even worse after for a long time so we couldn't look at what she did.

I wasn't there when it happened but I'm sure the image of her distressed in that room with blood coming from her mouth that has been around a lot recently is real. They had me elsewhere doing everything they could to make sure I knew and then took me back after when there was nothing that could be done. In the months and years after convincing us that things could always been worse was well executed.

There was one of those program routines to convince us to do something that had already happened in response. Stuff like that was about making the handler ring look way more powerful and knowledgeable than they were to the buyers who were not to know that us slaves did everything. The skills the local and national handlers have is in torture and most of that is given to them from elsewhere. Everything and everyone neatly compartmentalised. Cogs in a machine designed to destroy anything vaguely humanitarian, unaware and unfeeling automated objects making up a massive machine that will always be so much less that what any one of those individual cogs was or could of been.

We learned and are still learning what it can do when it succeeds in forcing you to abandon yourself.

We overheard the calls and were vaguely aware we were being sent to Fife, 'to stay with Paterson Gran and Grandad' and we knew there wasn't much we needed to prepared that we wouldn't just automatically cope with in the moment. The trip to the Woodside shops with Margo's mother was the trickest though we were so exhausted from the constant psychological torture. As we knew he would some teenage boy stopped us and said some shit about knowing who we were, what had happened and saying he wanted to help us which was almost made us laugh but we were physically incapable of a genuine smile or even a fake laugh. We weren't hearing or taking in much of what people said to us but he did get some response out of us that was maybe not what he was expecting as he looked at bit startled and some of the boys with him were disagreeing but it was very simple to us,

''I am Louise.''

If I am Louise then Louise can not be dead.

September 12, 2019


Too much feelings to eat. Had a wonderful walk today though. Really wonderful. So glad we moved here. Been missing our old house though because it was a house, a kitchen with space for a table, a microwave AND chopping board space. Missing the pusses of course to but not the shed next door, the summer days and evenings of constant unbelievable verbal and all the night time violence we can't remember but know we walked away from when others didn't. Don't miss the piss, puke, flea infested carpets and how they were a constant reminder of how we are seen and treated and how nothing we or any one else did or could do would change that. With have trees outside some of our windows here and no spitting when we leave the house just people saying hello.

It's kind of impossible to sufficiently distract ourself from everything we were put through and couldn't acknowledge at the time by ourself. Not that we wish to always avoid all of it but to have some help at doing and being someone else would make such a fucking difference. Think the tiredness from the walk has inspired some bitterness it's not difficult there is so much to be bitter about but I think we do well at not eating ourself up but also not just accepting that things are always going to be some shade of fucking awful for us and that if we haven't forced it to happen it won't happen. Sometimes. To survive though has been dependent on knowing there is no safe people and the more they are in a place to help us the less chance there is of seeing any genuine compassion or truth from them and that's not just a formal power thing but skint and struggling people we have met to because a little humanity goes such a long way if your starved of it.

There is another factor in our emotionalness and not just our repeated failure in getting to the docs for pills from stopping the hormone swings and the not particularly regular bleeding. We had given up on it but they are in fact backdating the UC. So we are all ''this is amazing'' and ''hang on think of where you have been and what you have done .'' It's not in yet but we are already working on an amazon list. Would like us to stop seeing clothes buying as an extravagance because it's not, it's getting colder and with that attitude we end up with stuff that doesn't fit, is so cheap that it just makes us sweaty and uncomfortable. Dude needs new fluffys to. Should be able to avoid the bin baky for a while and that is a definite positive.

Been reading Virginia Woolf, finally finished To The Lighthouse and have started The Waves. It's kind of suiting were we are at and our broken attention suits stream of consciousness, no we didn't miss a chunk it did just totally change subject and voice.

Been watching a fair bit of MSNBC still can't bare any Brits. Really wanting to slap Pelosi and her fear that doing her job could backfire politically, sure the same arguments were used during the rise of Hitler.

September 10, 2019

'..and get this.. under his own fucking name..'

Feeling different today, this evening rather as we were awake all night and slept most of the day only woken by the posty getting sight of us wincing at the light in a grubby giant tshirt, sweaty hair and tracky bottoms we couldn't fit into but needed something to open the door in then when junior came home. Maybe related to yesterday being the eighth of September, there is no one upfront sharing what the significance of that it's that when we were doodling a week or so ago it was written and didn't come with the typical drowning suffocating crushing sense that comes with horror anniversary or upcoming events. It felt clearer maybe even a little sparkly.

Sharp solid edges in our consciousness are the visible tip to whatever is underneath the thick solid ice that separates us and recently we been thinking about how Graham helped us recognise how much of the awfulness had not gone down as expected. None of the programmers, abusers, slavers or rapists that had gotten into the flat had left alive but we had to work the faked memory systems hard to keep certain rings from trying harder until they were weakened. Me, my mum, Pablo we explained, flicking our head a bit to shift how it felt when our mom crippled and wired up in a secure slaver science and technology institution talked to us through Pablo's pre school and early school years mouth. The three us together almost completely unbeatable. We could see it burn in him when he saw how much horror, hunger, corruption and oppression is a fucking choice and not something that is beyond peoples power to stop, how there is zero chance of returning to how things might of been and how that doesn't just effect me, my mum, Pablo and him but the whole planet, everything and everyone on it.

The only thing that stopped the work done back then from happening before was too maybe people making sure it didn't, leaving us with no option than to keep reducing those people and their abilities to make us Pablo and I's life, body and mind in constant serious danger.

It is starting to dawn on us, how different things are as compared to what would of been but its impossible to recognise that without also acknowledging specifics of what was and how much still is and that is really difficult.

We slept overnight as well as most of yesterday. Woke up and checked there was available funds to get baccy and juice rather than being awake all night and waiting for the shop to open. Still quite tired and doing the whole there's so much to do maybe will just do nothing thing. Pablo just came back because he had forgotten the PIP form I asked him to post on his way to school but had forgotten about this morning. He's a good boy. Not happy about me having to ask again for the money we need. Me neither hun. Just relieved at the moment that it's done but I'm sure we will return to worrying about how much detail we put in, we said 'social anxiety' but didn't go into any detail about what that is or how it feels.. Did describe how we can get so bad when out and about with Pablo that we forget he's there and are hands are sore daily now so hopefully that will help..

Been watching a bit of Maddow this morning. Lots of remembering discussing things that are in the news now years sometimes decades ago.

''Of course there will be efforts to make sure we get you out before trump and co ID's you..''


''...They' will that is.. not 'we'...''

Our mood started plummeting rapidly again but he put his arms around me and gave us a long tight hug and it levelled us out, he only pulled away and went into pre fight or flight when someone entered the corridor but relaxed him again when we explained they guy who just entered the corridor was friendly and had been since we had coerced him into babysitting.

''That'll' do it.'' We agreed.

The other guy approached put his arm around him before making sure I got out safely. Muttering about stupid self destructive Fascists. Before I left the guy I had been talking to called out, think it started with an R then he changed his mind to, ''Daffs''

We turned round with our face all screwed up, why the fuck was he calling us that?

His own fucking name.. bet he never has to worry about dentists, food banks or go bin racking for baccy. All so fucking despicable.

September 03, 2019

Very glad to have found a new spooky thing to watch after devouring 'Somewhere Between' and there being no chance in hell of going back to the latest serious of American Horror, not just because we prefer some historical context and distance with our horror especially since it's centered on violent Trump supporter. Maybe it will be more watchable when the Trumpster fire is over but it just seemed so trope packed and totally lacking in any nuance or real creativity, not that we got very far into it. Way too fucking soon, way to fucking heartless, a fucking homage to nihilism and no one needs that, not even nihilists coz they don't fucking care.

Our new thing is 'Ghost Wars', which has what we like in our creepy entertainment, an isolated beautiful physical setting that makes us long to live there, the dead messing with the living, a freaking out cast that's talks to people that aren't there and who is the only one who can handle whats going on, Meat Loaf and I'm pretty sure the long haired Rev is the CSI/Corporate Pile dude who is always very cool are all adding to our enjoyment. Also loving that so far the ghosts don't seem to be murdering or messing with people with any particular prejudice, everyone is being fucked with. Before Netflix failed there was a guy trying to escape on his boat because that is only way out of town finding himself back where he started and a tragedy at a physics accelerator lad. The cynical Major shot a police dude after hallucinating that he was a risen corpse lunging for her.. So yep, good stuff.

Been doing a fair bit of US watching. If there was a British equivalent to MSNBC maybe we would be watching it but there isn't and we have been in Britain so long, gotten out so many times and achieved so much just to be forced back here and have everyone and everything taking from us, even the memories of what we achieved and any sense of better life that we don't even hope anymore. We caught wots his chops talking about Johnson on Last week Tonight on youtube we were hungry for some reality on the current state of British politics and an immigrant from England seemed a pretty good source. Glad we are mentally in a place where we are not freaking out about Brexit, not that we don't think it would effect us we do buy our food from shops and need medications it's when it comes to Britain we are beyond a place where we can even roll our eyes or shake our head. There is no 'at least' or 'that's something' with Britain, just triggers, retraumatising and improvements in living conditions that my sisters, family and friends died to get for us.

The good old 'do every thing that we can when we can then let go' is such a help, it makes it easier when bad most people things happen that we knew we were going to happen happen. We are much upset about the rainforests and the states gutting their environmental protections, the separated families and abused children probably because slavers. Not that we could of done more think we just feel very strongly that if people had been more willing to accept what 'populists' and 'conservatives' do with accepted legal norms and 'respected' institutions things wouldn't be so bad. 'Believe history if you can't believe me.' We fairly broke our heart over it a few times but we are done with that now we just need our emotions to catch up.

Almost finished our PIP application! Just have to additional information essay to finish including as much as we can saying we can't be put through a face to face assessment. Easy peasy except of course it really isn't, far from it.

September 02, 2019

The beep

Been smiling at the date. September 1st. Has this been out first summer ever without serious abuses and/or trauma? We did hear a little girl say something like, 'I like this garden don't you Dad?' and a male voice saying he didn't because it was 'chocked with weeds' have to presume that because we heard them so clearly and mine was a bit weedy at the time that they were talking about here. It did have us feeling stuff that we recognised as triggered, even weeks afterwards we kept finding ourself thinking about the way he talked to her, the accent and how it was very much the type of thing that would happen daily in Fife when things were going okay. That petty nastiness and the sense that so much of things we overhear from strangers are scripted. We are not bombarded with that feeling every time we are exposed to any person ever as we were. Thinking this has us easing up on feeling guilty and mournful over not going out more, not going places or doing more things. We have existed and we have processed past events and do not have big fat files of new traumas to process.

We even saw a psychiatrist who stated a belief personality disorders are the result of issues during developments and that we 'do not appear delusional' although she did add that she hadn't spent much time with us to base her judgement on. Fucking wow. Seriously. We have been assigned a CPN and hope we remember the next time we see her to mention the beep. Not that she will necessary have any explanations but just the act of hearing ourself talk about something aloud can bring up new stuff we cant do without talking to someone. All we have at the moment if the guess that relates to some type of programming. We hear A, do or stop B. It's a proper auditory hallucination. It's woken us up a few times with a jolt, heart racing other times it's happened we were falling asleep and had us in the same state. It's a definite noise, a clear electronic beep and it isn't coming from our phone or from outside part of the reason it makes us jump and wake up so completely is because it didn't come from the outside world. It's really fucking loud sometimes.

What would past shrinks have said? H would of asked of our associations with loud electronic beeps and that just makes us think probably programming or maybe somewhere we were being held that had a door that beeped when someone got access to it. L (forgotten her first name already) when she wasn't being clearly evil would maybe have said it might be part that was once very buried and is know coming forward and bringing her beep with her. It's not brand new its just how often its happened that has us thinking about it. Where ever and whenever it originated its not going to be good and is extremely likely to have been very awful experiences and times. Someone suggested it was the new birds singing, which amused lots of us. Someone is also suggesting it's from our own efforts to deprogram ourself. The beep it stopping patterns from repeating, keeping our mind from going places we would be going it didn't rapidly jerk us out of them.

This morning we had one of those times when we really start to feel and remember ourself because we hadn't slept. It was a beautiful morning and we had to get baccy and ended up going for a short walk. It was lovely, the blue skies, the quietness, the old buildings and the peeling back and wearing thin of everything that keeps us from ourself. Wasn't the worst when we eventually woke up, it was tea time but we didn't too messed up from nightmares, a huge relief as there has been some doozers recently with the complex awful story lines.

Noticed today that we don't feel quite as alone as we often have, don't have that sense of being the only who cares, the only one willing and able to fight for us and against everything we fight against. There is people out there and things are ongoing. 

August 23, 2019

Should of Quit While I was Ahead


'Freakshow' and its creepy cool animated intro was fairly excellent. We are always a fan of bio diversity on the telly and some kind of justice being achieved at the end of a long story. Even if some of it was props and effects bio diversity, not all of it was. So good to see more of Pepper and her story. Wiemar and snuff...And the songs, the Bowie was something else but the 'Come as you are' fucking amazing. The stuff about upper classes and inbreeding and psychopaths, 'Jack the ripper was a Winsor..' Science attitudes to unusual bodies and the trade in exhibits seen through the eyes of the loved ones.. More exposure of how 'normal' people commit horrific crimes and how easily it can be pinned on those that are different that was a big theme Asylum. Bates (not Burke) as a bearded lady and heaps of other actors we were already a fan of or certainly am now.  Some seriously cathartic and life affirming stuff.  No regrets about skipping the porny half arsed Coven.

'Hotel' though...

The blood drinking from wrist cuts, the abducted children that can't go home now, the Devil's Night murder party. The casual slaughter by the privileged of anyone they fancy. Way too close to home. Feeling quite queasy and messed up. Ga Ga  is fucking terrifying as we figured she would be. Do love art deco though don't know if it will be enough to get us through the cutting and drinking though. Warmth of the lips on our wrists and us not being able to console that warmth with such cold and dehumanised act. Some older kid, a teenager told us we were a vampire he pointed at our wrists and said it was proof because we had cuts there but were still alive. We said we something even more special, we had blood that clotted to stop us from bleeding out because I was a human. Stupid sick fucks.

We need to cut back on the extreme binge viewing anyway. Got that form to get through. Have reached the 'Communicating' section. We really don't feel up to communicating our difficulties with communicating. Don't want to rush it either. Think it would make sense to ask for a bit for time to ease the stress of it. It will probably take a few attempts and a lot of waiting to get through and that will be stressful just not as stressful as trying to fill in the form when not filling it in and posting it off immediately will result in them taking a chunk of cash away. That would just get us in a state and we wouldn't be able to write our pretend name and the National Insurance number of 100 ghosts never mind go into coherent detail about how our conditions effect us and how inappropriate it would be to force us to a face to face assessment.

We are here, not there and that is a step towards not being so alone.

August 21, 2019

Hello me

Its not just that we picked up the codine today after a few days with none, we have been thinking, feeling it. More usy. But now without the achey joints. Cept for our wrist that's been a pain, seriously clicky, feeling like it needs to click but when it does it doesn't feel any better. And our knees because we have been failing at keeping up with the exercises. In the past increasing feelings of usness is usually a precursor to battling, winning then communication both internal and external. Then of course too much horror and triggers of past horror, exhaustion, injuries, damage, then just pain, all kinds of pains, all the time.

Is it going to be different this time? Dunno. Not present enough to answer that for ourself and probably wouldn't want to share it if we could. So many bullshit patterns, for survival, because we were forced or because situations required it but thinking that there is a chance that it is different now, different enough anyway isn't followed but feeling of plummeting. Our feelings about our thoughts is so often all we have to go on, constantly articulating something internally then doing our best to notice the reactions to it, more or less present, grounded or alienated, stronger or petrified.

Been watching American Horror Stories, says something if we can be entertained and distracted by such stuff. Murder house was fairly amusing, Asylum was pretty cool, Operation Paperclip and an Nazi war criminal continuing his experiments in the US for decades easily hidden by the Catholic Church and psychiatry. Mentioning the role of the Red Cross in all that. The psychiatrist serial killer.. Why not bring it alien abductions it didn't bother us. The ending, we loved the ending.

Started Coven but unimpressed to pissed of with it but maybe it will improve. Maybe we will just skip to next one. The writing of the first two managed to balance out any crappy bits with non crappy but haven't got that yet from the third serious. Actresses are doing their best but their parts are fairly atrocious, a collage of cut outs without any depth. So much misogynistic fantasies, 'sounds like a cliché but its true all clichés are..' Ug. That after the teenage boy's gory death because he had sex with a witch.. We knew it wasn't looking good. Kathy Burke though might have us going back. Its way too porny though so maybe not.. Its set in New Orleans and has slavery as a big theme, so many reasons for some sensitivity. Might just skip straight to the next one see if it brings a return to some cleverness.

Fair amount of government related BS going on, they want more money back because we had the limited capacity money which we need to pay the electric and avoid the food bank but the line is always too busy to get through, not even in a que just an engaged tone after the robo message of course. The want money back for our prescriptions because they haven't put Universal Credit on the forms yet and of course the personal independence payment form.. We have started it. Its hard going though and hurts our hand but we got to put every crappy detail in.  Its the third time we have had to do this since November so we do have lots to say its just horrible having to say it all again. And then again if we have to appeal..

August 17, 2019

I miss him too much

We've been immersed in Glee, in season three now. Have noticed a few times how we can be amused by school dramas, we remember not feeling the enslavement so much probably because we weren't we were too busy, the worst of the genocide was over and we were too supported, too special, had too many resources and were too successful. When it comes to the late teens though, the uni, work, relationship options often played out with parents still parenting.. We must of gotten captured and not just for a little while but for the long term, never rescued, still not free, still annihilated by dissociation with no means to get better and stay better. Not physically chained and kept incapacitated but not safe and making my own decisions or speaking to people to love me and fight for me and against the genocide.

When we remember him, we feel guilty about 'forgetting' then terrified that remembering his existence is part of coming to terms with him never coming back. Then we just feel sick of being so alienated from our own truth, from our own history, our self. The DID and the culture of keeping us in a state of permanent terror, isolated from ourself and the truth makes memories of speaking and seeing him on little screens, feeling him and knowing in those moments that he was definitely alive and not going any where, just don't feel real. They could be fake.

We were told by some police type back in Fife, on the day Laura was supposed to have been murdered but wasn't because she was already dead when it was sinking in how much things were not going the only way it was thought it could go. We cant remember the exact words but it was about Epstein and the 10th of August, the same date. We knew it wouldn't be the year after, or the year after that but we didn't say anything and didn't to be falling head first into the swirling awfulness of the upcoming years we had to stay grounded in the ongoing awfulness of Margo's kitchen. He added though, looking stressed  and uncomfortable, choking on the words, 'Your husband will be on his way.'

Think we did an almost perfect job of maintaining the poker face. 'And if he isn't someone else will be.'

He nodded but there was a look on his face like he had to deal with fresh hot cat diarrhoea on the carpet.

Just because the Epstein bit was right doesn't mean the rest of it is.

Hate the feeling when we have to pull ourself away from Glee or whatever else we stay steeped in we get that physical sinking feeling. So much of our insides ache, we keep reaching for a part of ourself that isn't here. Its too much missing, too much loss. Have to keep the faith vague, that we will feel better some day but it feels so fake, need him, not some vague betterness based on extending periods of time without contact with the perpetrators of some of the worst crimes against humanity that can ever be committed, anti depressants and disability benefits from the state given to us via the name given to other girls who state representatives stole, tortured, enslaved and then murdered.

We need him.

We can't cope with having lost him as well.


August 04, 2019

Tell us everything again.

Last night was nice, drinking pink wine, toasting marshmallows, playing cards and chatting.

Today, not so good. Arm pit infection the worst we have had for a while, was using roll on deodorant for a while may of been a factor. It did burst today but we've been so tired and weepy, a bit shaky a times as well. Might of forgotten to add the arm pit and other places nasties on the PIP form when it comes in but not now. Quite ug of course having to fill out another 'how you condition effects you in as much detail as possible' form, hey maybe we will end up with more than we are currently getting for DLA.. Would much rather not be put through it again, we have just gotten out of dread of being subjected to a face to face assessment and the state it would leave us in. Got really shit at taking our inhalers in last few months and that of course has caught up with us, tired, out of breath easily, wheezy..

Stunning weather today to but did drag the kid out yesterday and it was Saturday in summer in a touristy town and therefore busy as fuck out there, was barely in the garden either. It was lovely but we too weepy and didn't want neighbours to see us and be nice while we felt like that and were trying to dry out the festering. Got junior to put out some towels and we persuaded ourself eventually to put out at least half of the other load we put in so we would have clean jammies. Very glad we did.

Casual gamming has kept us distracted and the codeine keeps putting us to sleep. Fucking dreams though. How can anymore escape anxiety when it fills up so much time during sleep?

August 01, 2019

Any orders Sir?

He's all inward smiles and chuffed looking, we can feel his relief that we are here but there is something else to, something closer to positive expectation. We cant think what the hell that could be about. We sit down on the couch opposite him and give him an inquisitive look.

'Happy birthday.'

Eh? Today isn't our birthday, our birthday is .. oh yeah... fuck..

The two of us in a shack I had started then when he ran away as well and joined us he helped improve and maintain it a lot. Everything was so much easier when there is more than one body trying to do all the work, emotionally though it made for a completely different world, there was real comfort, laughter and fun. Think was rainy day when we were inside safe and mostly dry talking about not knowing when our birthdays were and wishing we did. Think it was me who said we could make one up, it wasn't like most of the kids we knew we eating cake, being taken on trips, getting presents and having parties on the dates they were actually born on. It was definitely you who suggested the first on August you had more reasons for it being then than we can remember other than that date being close and we would still be together. Remember feeling they were wonderful though. You were doing that thing we you looked out at the near distance and spoke with so much insight, intelligence and warmth that it would remind us we weren't the only kid with half a brain left alive, always made us love you even more than we believed we were capable of and sometimes made us cry.

We had gotten a gun and silencer of some dude from one of less horrific gangs. Blokes in expensive suits and shoes wondering around the glens and hill always looked so out of place. I asked them one time when I was taking them somewhere and it was raining hard why didn't wear more appropriate attire and they all looked at me like I had used a language they didn't understand but we were absolutely certain we hadn't.

You woke up and sat up with a jolt by the muffled pop its not like you didn't know exactly what that noise was. You reached for us and we could see you struggle to bring down your panic, you terror.

'What was that?'

'Protein.' I answered then got off our stomach were we had been lying while you slept looking out the open front of our shack when a rabbit had hopped by. You were to triggered though and sobbed for a little while, we were very sorry.

Rabbit skinning wasn't a skill either of us acquired by that point but we both ended up laughing at how much the both of us together were messing it up as well as the grossness of it. We were so glad you were feeling better. Then when it was dark and we were chewing on lumps of charred rabbit we cooked on sticks, picking of the ash when the fell off, smiling at each other you were definitely recovered. It had been a while since we had protein and we talked about how it made us feel so good it was like drugs.

A much better memory than being in a shed made by adults with no open sides that we couldn't get out of and you weren't there and we ate spiders.

Sister was in our dreams last night. Reminding us that misery and abuse can be so much worse when there is someone who cares to witness it but cant help. Her fury at the cannabis denial, calling us a cracker, or crackers, or both..

They have been particularly debilitating recently, the dreams and experiences they bring with them that don't fade during the day but often expand, get more detailed. Pablo screaming and crying for us and being unable to do anything but try and survive what was being done to us in a different room.  We remember it as being Sam when we came round, she was there by herself with us in that bedroom in Skene, the one that we had gone through so much us when we were younger and was now and maybe still is Bill's. I think there most of been outside assistance or some fuck up that left her alone with us. We fought with everything we could then once she was down we looked around the room for something to help us make sure she wouldn't be getting up again. Her brain or whatever was in her brain had to not be a functioning anymore if me and Pablo were going to have any chance of being okish. Think it might of been an iron but we may be guessing because we remember the iron and ironing board being permanently set up in Bill's room. Maybe it was his radio, furniture, an ornament. We didn't stop hitting until we saw brain matter and then kept going a few more times just be certain they have had some crazy skills and tech after all and we have been wrong about thinking slavers were dead and gone before.

Once we were very sure we dropped it and ran to Pablo's room. He was hiding in his caught but said, 'Mummy' as soon as we pushed open the door and went into the room. We lifted him out his cot, trying to not look to long at any bruises, cuts or marks. We were both shaking, both sobbing, we were so relieved to him try and speak even if we couldn't make out what he was saying. We couldn't stay where we were so we grabbed blankets and head back to room they had had us in. Pablo's room had a out building roof outside one of the windows and it would of been a way in. He cried and started to shake when we tried to put him down again and we hated doing it but we needed to get water, nappies, formula and any food we could grab from down stairs before someone came back. We also had to drag out the corpse. The mess when we did was a relief, she definitely wasn't going to be used to hurt anymore ever again. After we ran back up stairs with the few things we could grab. we started barricading the door with everything we could, the bed base, the wardrobe, the dresser. We kept having to push away flashbacks of times when we had done the exact same thing in the past, with different furniture, different wall paper, with others, alone, with other babies, pre teen and pregnant but all that same fucking room.

We couldn't decide if the barricade needed the mattress to or if would be okay to use it for us to sit on. Think we managed to calm down a bit there was still no one in the house so took it down for us to sit on. We got a bottle ready for him we had just taken up the kettle filled with water. Sitting on the mattress with him in our arms, we started to feel better. Proud of ourself, proud of him. He clearly had survived whatever had been done to him, as had we.

When people returned and people started shouting banging pushing at the door Pablo was terrified, curled up, clung to us and shook but after a while he started to follow our lead and put his head up and started shouting back at them to. We laughed.

It ended us such shit often ended. A different 'them'. Better spoken, extremely well equipped, better dressed,  better smelling, who moved around with a great efficiency and grace, reeking of training, and privilege, they always gave us pangs of jealousy but a little less every time so barely any at all by then. They had some machinery that lifted them high enough and something else that took the window out its frame with ease. They didn't hurt us or threaten us, they state things seriously and even with compassion. Pablo grinned at them but we knew better. Their seriousness was about getting themselves out of there as quickly as possible and it was me they were scared of most not the baby raping slavers. They would end standoff and sieges, stop the daily attacks and attempts but leave us there or bring us back if we can succeed in getting any where. Everyone had to pretend none of it had happened. We had long stopped listening to closely to anything they said. We gave one of them a look when he started saying something about help being on its way I just had to hang on there a bit longer and he looked away, couldn't bring himself to finish it. I had been being told the exact same shit since I was Pablo's age. There was not going to be any help from anyone in any kind of salary, uniform, or military gear and support to get us out but plenty to keep us there.

We did watch them as closely as we could though, their body language between themselves, the words quietly spoken to each other or over communications tech looking for any sign of the work been done to weaken them. We saw it. A tiny deviation in protocol, a hair crack in discipline. It hit us hard. Still with the back against the wall and Pablo in our arms our whole body went loose and we started sobbing. One of the newer less familiar looking ones who acted more like how police/slavers normally do asked us why we were crying. There was clearly a shit tonne of things to be weeping about if you were me so we just looked up and him and asked,

'Are you fucking kidding me?'

He was going to get uppity but a more familiar one shut him down and sent him out. The very fact that someone like that was with them was a solid sign they were falling apart. We felt more present than we had felt in a very long time, we could everything and so aware of and in love with Pablo in our arms as he babbled away like he hadn't recently been tortured and sexually assaulted with the involvement of people he saw regularly, 'family members'.

July 22, 2019

Its a shame

All the peaks and troughs in the memories gets dizzying. Sickened by the slaughter and enslavement and the no where is safe all pervasiveness of meticulously maintained ancient hate that has consumed this planet and annihilated its human cultures and their potential one minute then warmed and fortified by times spent with people capable of seeing all of me with affection and acceptance, people capable of witnessing the genocide and all the physical acts, decisions and words that that word represents without it washing their values away like the water from fire engine hoses washed away so much blood from concrete, tarmac and grass.

Felt better today than yesterday, the dreams didn't hang over as badly. Paid the council tax and did the dishes, got the kitchen floor cleaner. The humidity seems to have lifted even though its been raining for hours. There's some wind to so its cooler and air feels like air again instead of a grubby sticky suffocating blanket.

We have a day of not pushing our self, just doing what feels easy followed by a day of putting a bit more effort in. Its seems to be working not to bad. Its about giving ourself a break from 'should's as much as trying to not let the domestic chores becoming overwhelming. We need to work it around the occasional appointment though and keep in mind they are stressful and exhausting even when they go well.

Its going to be our first summer spent not mostly or entirely spent in some sort of hell surrounded by rapists and people actively trying to kill us for a very long time and we are starting to accept that. Our survivor parts have not gone into retirement from being constantly upfront but I think it is starting to occur to them that it is something they could begin considering and making plans for. We have no reason to push them when it's still just the two of us and there's so much awfulness that we haven't processed or accepted. To see people treated in those ways, to be know how it feels to be treated so horrifically ourself. There was so much of it that was just unsurvivable and we are not keen to face the damage and count our loses yet.

We are trying to recognise our wins though even with some of us feeling like the distance between ourself and monsters, being ourself and unsurvivable experiences could be taken away at any day. Even so though I think to some of us it is starting to be dawn even if it is terrifying to do so that it can never go back to the way it has been, that it can not ever be as bad as it has been again.

There is a thought to add 'for us' to the end of that paragraph but mostly there is a sense that its not necessary, that it would trigger an old intentionally instilled misery and guilt based on exaggerating potentials and possibles just from the explain and demonstrate how it would be made impossible for so much improvements to lives, to decreases in suffering to happen. We don't feel for people like we used to.

July 19, 2019

We've been going back to the dancing a lot and the regular weeping breaks. So fucking sick of the endless totally together but extremely far apart shit. It makes every victory hollow. Separating the double teamers from the rest of us and thanking them for their assistance even if their displays of casual joy at killing their own comrades creeped out everyone with any authentic feelings. They were so separate from their surroundings, everything, all deaths and all destruction was entertaining to them in ways that undermined all relief and made it impossible to not wonder why they were so incapable of understanding what was going on. Then tellinig them their handlers were all gone but we weren't going to make them walk home to the crappy jobs and loveless families that had been organised for them, their associates in the constabulary were available to return them, if my people allowed it. It was the usual fucking momentous, beyond anything we could dream about, life would be very different if it had happened before it did stuff that means so very little if it couldn't get us back to together then and there, or shortly after.  It was the longest patch of weapons discharge so close to the hospital and while it was ongoing we felt present, glad, proud and aware of other people. Then there was another mess to cleat up and still no you.

We night of cried and mourned all we will mourn for the double teamers but there is never an end to the tears and aching for us, for you and never will be.

We have remembered the birthday you picked, don't know if we tried to explain a bit of it to Pablo last year or if we will try to talk about it this year.

Distractions are good but as soon as they end or we take a break the tears and the hurt flood back. I hate that we are not together. I hate every second, every day, every month and year that goes by is a victory for the worst of the thems and we can never get any of it back.

Pink ones are pretty arnt they? We have been doing not to bad. Was so active for a couple of days after not being that we had thighs were so sore it hurt to sit down for a pee. Went for a good walk in our new shoes that have been squishing our little toes and didn't but socks on so they were a blistered painful mess. Wish we could get better at avoiding pain and discomfort instead of letting the old orders to suffer to keep running because we don't have enough or have ever had enough for long enough to replace then.

Going to Juniors school prize giving was pretty special it added a bit to the disbelief that we are where we are without contact or help from any of them. It ripples over us as well as sinking a little deeper quite regularly, moments of remembering what it was like being around Niall, having Johnston's as our only 'family'. How could it all of been allowed to continue, how could it all of been supported for so long. We know that isn't just us amnesiac who don't understand its others to, us that know as well as it could ever be known how many generations and centuries and how successful.

To use a child's own life own humanity, instincts and needs against her no amount of digs, autopsies, math, reading, forensic science, interviews or interrogations can ever give us anything close to a satisfactory answer.

There is just hate and we could see, feel and survive that without doing any work it all.

We put out star and heart back on for a day or two we kept reaching for it and not just in a something round our neck to fiddle with when we are anxious type of way. Been rewatching Orange and not long after the lake scene with Tovah we took it of again. No tears, it just feels inappropriate to wear it, no strength in it anymore for us just lonelineess