January 09, 2020


Currently working on our PIP appeal and Netflix of course. No surprise about the PIP, knew we didn't put enough information in it. It came just after filling the same fucking form for UC and couldn't go through it all again also when a woman turned up for the face to face we knew we would downplay and make out things are not that bad as people tend to do, especially people who have be ''trained'' to. Plan is to send in our scrappy request for mandatory consideration saying we will write more if andy when we get a printer because handwriting is fucking painful, holding the pen too tightly because of the stress and anxiety of it doesn't help.

Think its likely there will not be much posts now, since the last one. Quite a few have been started but words wouldn't flow, there is a strong sense in a various aspects of us that one of the main reasons for this whole blog was to get us to a place where we could integrate the memories described in the November post. The being brought round covered and surrounded by the hacked up body parts of someone who loved us. As we already had a complex system there was a lot of dissatisfaction that we appeared to have forgotten that it had happened so it would have again. Last night we saw a birthday candle in amongst guts and being told ''Happy Birthday! Eat up!''. We know the whole thing about it happening again because we survived is the usual crap aimed a making the victim feel responsible for being victimised. It's our old neighbours we see saying happy birthday and their forced loud laughter we hear. You left me and our son living next to them for years and that has resulted in us just not seeing and feeling for people at all, just non human non entities.

Of course we are not certain of how many times it happened but there was one word that came from us last night as an answer without any supplementary images, noises, smells or sensations thankfully. Just ''Five'' with our left hand with fingers stretched out.

Been reading 'Alone in Berlin' thankfully so far its been light on the descriptions of atrocities, we are not or are likely to get any better at not really struggling after descriptions of murdered small children. Also switching between reading it and its depiction of the personality of the Fuhrer and those loyal to it, the opinions and rationalisations of the German populace and reading news from the States in particular is something we need to be careful with because of the similarities. It's not him it's the people around him/yes something should be done about the Jews but not so extreme and so quickly/He can't handle it when he doesn't get his own way/to question or critise is treasonous/party loyalty is most important when it comes to getting and keeping employment and promotions regardless of merits and skills. The state sanctioned and enforced thievery but that's hardly just a Nazi Germany and Trump American thing. The disregard for truth and facts. The superiority complexes based on nothing.

Yesterday we managed a half decent walk in the morning, it was a bright cold day and enjoyed most of it but of course that meant we couldn't sleep last night and can't keep our eyes open now. That's okay, we will just nap there is no one here to stop and punish us for it. And it's raining.

December 12, 2019

30th November, St Andrews Day (Scotland) All Day

Its been easy to not look directly at it. Plenty things on the calander to distract and hide it all behind. There has been attemps to reach up to the front of house to try draw attention to it. Whatever it was that would veto that wasnt something not many of us could consider challenging and whatever it was is gone now. There is no definite need to keep it at arms length anymore. It's the kind of thing we had to be confident was so buried that no amount of gloating or more active attempts to trigger the memories and feelings would fly over our head so we could stand firm and just look them in the eye and let them all see whatever they were attempting was not having the desired effected. The opposite even because so many of us know what they are doing and know what we are doing to defend from it and are very certain there is no way any of them can get round it. It gets quite therapeutic watching them getting more and more desperate sometimes.

But then we went back to how it was. That it might not be true and if we don't know, we don't know so nothing can be done. It's about the boy, our boy, the 'why isn't he here' boy, family, best friend, lover, soul mate, other half, reason for caring, for living. Early/mid nineties we were both captured and kept drugged, restrained, injured. So drug was given to me so I would wake up and found myself covered in chopped up parts of Paul. His head positioned so I could clearly see the his face, his dead eyes. In the bedroom before the blue wallpaper was put up. Then I was taken through the room that decades later would be mine and Pablo's and raped. Nothing and no one has been be real since.

We have a sense it was mainly a 'Scots only' op. They could get past their various handlers when motivated and severe sadism is all that ever motivated them. Although I don't think that Scots believing they were working alone means that it was true and big chunks of us reckon it is completely impossible for the Scots to organise anything alone. Just because they can't remember Russian, American, English and other accents giving them detailed instructions doesn't mean that isn't exactly how it went down.

We found a grey hair recently and pulled it out and looked at it. It came with the same flashbacks of having seeing it decades before, the same oh yeah we knew this would happen that accompanies so much of our experiences. I regular reminder of how ancient and deep the bullshit is and how it has stolen almost all our choices and of course how utterly alone we are.

November 30, 2019

..do solemnely swear..

It's whatnowism but it's also our over developed cynicism. We know the fact that we are here and not there and no one is calling, or coming round or shouting shit acting out detailed but ignorant plans to keep us feeling shitty and that this isn't something that anyone on at any level would of wanted. We know the brain of an adult is not going to be able switch to pumping out confidence and motivation chemicals, fully able to acklowdge, develop and exploit its own potentials after a week of not seeing people and places that had essential roles in the most unsurvivable events We have been through. It's not a developing brain, it's all grown up biologicaly anyway. That feels like a lot to mourn.

We did write before the move that we were worried about how much it would take for us to do it all alone but over the last year it isn't something that has gotten us down there just been so much relief, it's back now though. Wasn't particularly aware of its return until looking through a notebook for the thing we wrote on the last time we took the train from Markinch to here and saw the pages of lists, phone numbers and sums. The dead ends, the stressed mistakes that led to lots more stress all laid out as well as the steps we actually took that worked out. It's just bring back the exhaustion and the heart break from then but it and something we wrote recently about the promises used to keep ourself going, how we couldn't sort out the benefits for like seven or eight months, the anger is back to equalling the heartbreak.

We knew we wouldn't be making any attempt at socialising or building a support network for a long time if ever because we just don't have anything left and also because it isn't change enough. It's me going to extreme lengths to stay alive and keep Pablo alive with no little help from anyone else, same as always. What has changed is the physical attacks, the physical, chemical restraints, and all the tortures or the constant threat of them, the work. Quite sure though the only reason it is not still going on is because of the resistance efforts of myself and mother. Other people didn't change. The power systems and the cultures are the same exact ones put in place by slavers in order to maintain slavery without any signs of change. Genuine justice is as impossible as it ever was.

We cleared our self enough space to have a little peace and that is something that most people don't have any real chance of doing and the will that we depended on to believe it was possible and to keep fighting is not going to suddenly let go, look around and feel satisfied with our little bit of lonely dissociated peace.

We have been drawing a little and that distracts her but we catch her looking at what We've done being pushed by the hazy recall of some specific training or work we had to do that involved drawing into the 'what if' abyss.  We don't feel the same intensity over everything to so with the music industry, we can see a guitar and sometimes almost feel nothing so it's not surprising another creative industry is going to dominate the fury over our talents and the skills we were given that we will never be recognised as having, work we will never be paid for and the sick slavers worshipped as geniuses in their fields when their entire expertise exists in doing harm.

Hope this mood shifts soon, keep going round in a cycle of needing people and needing to not to try and explain what the fuck we are to anyone, of needing to not be waiting then realising we are not fit for anything else.. Think too much US news isn't helping, how could they let that thing on TV, let alone run for office? Our American was nearer the surface for a little while, loving some of the statements during the hearings, think she is someone who actually is letting go though and beginning to join the rest of us in accepting statelessness. There has been some crazy stuff gone on stop us from feeling any loyalty to the US from all over nowhere as committed to that as some people in America.  The rest of us are very sorry she has to move on, we would of preferred to have to work to get the rest of us to join her but that's not what's happening as we are not in the states and have had no contact with any American's for a long time and that is something they promised would never happen. He would laugh as say not unless they killed them all but I couldn't laugh back knowing that was actually a lot more likely, easier and without consequences for the murderers than he realised. Suppose there is a chance they could be late but our insides say otherwise, they're gone.

November 24, 2019

There is moments when We are really unsure of what to do with ourself. There is an old fear of the consequences if we are not doing precisely what we were told to do and if we found that we had ran out of instructions it would mean some really awful attack would be about to start. There is also the will formed with whatever we could find left in ourself that if and when it was possible for us to be comfortable and do absolutely nothing alone then that is what we would do for ever if possible.

 There's the dreamers to, they wanted to do things usually creative and also alone but there is still the small voice from a very small girl that believes in people and believes time spent with them being honest but hopeful and caring will make lots of things much better. There's lots of others to heartbroken trying to find away to bring us together whilst not having figured out a way to articulate their own needs but there is a cautious relaxedness and relief that often feels like it is going to hit us like a tsunami but is more regularly falling into bottomless puddles of ice water.

We are wondering what will happen to Ms Of Course who knew we would end up here as surely and definitely as she knows most things that would put us here and had decided the best course of action was to delay responding emotionally to all events until the conditions were more appropriate. She may be in the role of the main just stop everything and softly cry. The cry has changed recently and it often does.

Things that we fought hard and long and with everything we could to keep but lost, memories of family, self awareness based in who I am outside of slaver control starts slowly returning, waking up. Sonny, long before Pablo.


In Dundee someone amongst all the endless physical and verbal and institutional hate someone called up sounding all privileged and hate made pumped up on some shoddy and bloody intel thinking him and his particular group of fellow human sellers would get our attention by saying that they knew who Louise was.

It did get my attention but only very briefly but did trigger issues that don't go away and helped kept us awake during a night when it would of actually been okay to sleep.

There's only one answer to 'I know who Louise is.' and that's 'So you know about the genocide then? And all the other types of mass slaughter like how sometimes they just wanted kids of a certain age and didn't care where they came from or colour they were. So you'll know about the slavery as well then? The breeding and all torture and extreme shit that goes on? Well of course you know. You called me. You called me and said you know who Louise was. So must be at least involved in the slavery then? The big markets in huge under ground car parks where people of all ages are auctioned? Where there is arguments about precisely how much sampling of the goods is allowed and at what price? And you get beaten for even accidental eye contact.

If no one bought someone sometimes they were just shot in the head then sometimes in front of their families or they would be sold to be worked to death somewhere like the snuff farms, organ stealers, death rings and murder party organisers, the fatal experiments or some other evil disgustingness ancient or brand new.

November 20, 2019

bye bye back to hell you mysterious horror dresser

It's gone. It's taken some of the poison from the worst times from before and after moving to Dundee. The details are high up on a shelf in a locked box and we have no motivation to try and find the key. The extremes of we were put through feel in the past now and not stuff that we are still going through. Thought we might be a bit more motivated to re organise and find places for all the stuff taken from the dresser. Weirdly though we don't feel inspired to go through all the existing drawers to make space. We wrapped a couple of presents instead and covered them with a sheet, that will do for now until we have finished sorting out the cupboard. May have to buy more storage boxes but don't to buy anything that isn't definite basic essesntials or xmas presents for Pablo or Us.

We had to make promises serious promises to get ourself here last year. We said we wouldn't attempt to sort out the benefits straight away if they didn't use the ESA form and they didn't. Sitting on the edge of the bed in Fife, or in a B&B walking through towns to catch buses we had to keep ourself going and then do it all again, completely drained and exhausted. We haven't been able to make much genuine promises to ourself during previous moved. It's frying pan, fire or floor and being eaten by a dog. We were fully aware it would be that way until things out of my control made it possible for us to live safer and with some comfort and we had to make sure we still had the mental capacity to recognise it when it happened and the emotional and physical capacity to do any thing about it and there had been at least layers way above the street based stuff that knew that the hiarchies were changing and falling apart so they had to go all in in making sure themselves that the slaves were all dead or permanently dead.

You can see it the Republicans, a total abandonment of ethics and respect for the truth. It's all there is over here but we don't check. It's too horrible, physicaly triggering even. It's not pretty watching such a really sad grasping hold of control over culture where no violence or crime is too much to keep giving them a sense of supreme privilege for just a moment longer and making everything materially and socially worse for everyone including themselves. It's a sickening paranoia and we haven't attempting to watch the long statements from Numpty Nunes or the twat in the shirt or the conservative women bot.. No one wants what they have but people will have their rights to exist and have at least a chance of living with some hope and comfort to be respected.

So glad there is signs of a genuine effort to prevent fascism from taking over the US constitution. It feels real. Not like something where the verdict was determined millions of years ago. We wish we had the self awareness and mental capacity to understand fully what that means. We can feel though and it feels different better and like I've gone from living in the dark in a small cold room to being outside and warm and safe. It is definitely better of course to be watching the hearings and listening to committed solid Americans than watching the putrid ones gloat it all goes wrong but we don't catasrophise like we used and don't instantly assume that it would start bringing the end to any decency in power across the planet or that would mean the instant death of democracy in the US. Especially since they are doing such a good job of pissing off the military, pissing the intelligence community off and most of the rest of the civil services and anyone everywhere who cares genuinely about anything daily.

We gotta fill some more promises. Food and maybe booze. But definitely hot water bottle and bed.

November 18, 2019

Decorative small object

I think we had came on it when scouting through the miles of remnants of what was once someones living room and I asked one of the boys what it was and what it was We stared at it for a long time or what counted for a long moment at that time and place. It felt like it had been awhile since there had been any day and night,

. The boys roamed and kicked through the debris looking for food ammo or something useful without any enthusiasm none of wanted to be there and it made the exhaustion worse. We just stared at this thing. Can't even remember specifically what it is now but it was something not unlike the shit we surrounded ourself with and shelped dragged hawled across Scotland through poverty flits. Shabby Chic, tea light holder, hearts and butterflies made of metal or wood. Floral things from decades ago that look like they could be easily picked out through charity shops. Couldn't believe how many large boxes of it there was when flitting last year.

The image of it whatever it was kept popping up afterwards, during the achey hungry eternity drive back to the base with the guys. All of us sleepdrived some withdrawing some still dealing with the consquences oof over exposure to something and another. No one was talking or moving around or messing about each other about or giving each other crap were all just sitting there being jostled now and again as the landrover. eyes half closed. Filthy and exhausted. Eyes where blinking slowly and sometimes staying cold. There had been instant relief that the truck wasn't freezing but now it was stuff and musty and the air just felt heavy damp and dirty. I tried to remember how long the journey back was going to be and where it was we were going but couldn't get any where meaningful.

 and there it was again. that decorative thing. why was I so fascinated with it until we started to try and image what kind of life someone would have to come into possession of such an object and how much it might cost to buy one and where. It was decided that if possible will we have lots of objects like it, things that exist only to be pretty and make a room look better. We were going to stay in one place at some point when we were grown up and didn't think such things would cost that much, it wasn't like they needed to be made of expensive materials or looked like someone need high level of skills to create. It was just a small decorative nice thing that we knew wouldn't fit in our backpack and even if it could there was no justification for it that space could be used for something that might save my own or someone else's life as I knew I would certainly would be told if I tried to take it or something like it and he would of been very right.

The tires bounced of something as the landrover tilted and climbed down a small embarkment or something outside and far away. I reached out my hand and steadied myself on one of the guys held on my hand, he didn't look at me or say anything and had never done it before. He held it all the way back I began to lean on him. No one had any words.

It was less the cost it was oppurtinity, the kind of shop that might sell it the kind of day where someone might browse and choose it, the relationship where would be given as a gift. I was told later that the smile we gave as we thought about that kind of living and us living that life was noticed and appreciated.

It was feminine but we thought it was more than a longing to be and feel  pretty.. The life was hard and paintful and we were never physically well and a life of about wearing pretty dresses, eating party food and gossip and giggling in a nice warm clean room decorated room would be fine but it wasn't possible at that time.

It starting to add itself to sleep issues when we did get back and we began to feel colder and scared that it was us, a child and a soldier that was the thing that shouldn't be we were getting fevered and ended up just falling over when we got somewhere safe and warm and be carried to a bed. They said they had fed us over the next few days but we don't remember it we still don't but to begin with we weren't even opening our eyes. Seemed magical how much we felt better when we were up and about couldn't believe you feel so awful then sleep and eat for a couple of days and it would be so much better. We were less scrawny and skin was so much healthier parts of us wondered if the boys had been practising some kind of healing magic that we knew nothing about as we slept.

it became a thing, a joke us cleaning and tidying up and finding the aesthetics in holes in the ground and pock marked and obliterated buildings. Sometimes we would chuck grenades at them as we left and it was always a relief to see whatever it was disappear behind a dust cloud and falling rubble. Of I didn't want to live in a pile of rubble but knowing that we can when we have to makes for a better frame of mind.

and now.. trying to negotiate our over indulgence that is easily slipped into after a life of literal feast and famine. we read Virginia Woolf, have a little have a pink folding chair so I can rest when cooking or cleaning without going to another room.  .

Memories of young men holding my hand and keeping me alive as best they could are the islands that break up the progession of denial to accepting possibility of somethin awful, to recalling in increasing detail and confidence.





November 16, 2019

Not being somewhere we really need to not be

Momentus event next week. The big dresser is going. Don't think it's just it's literal size and weight that weighs on us. Must of got it when we moved out of highly unsafe refuge to really unsafe flat in Dundee but can't remember. There's always been some hidden bad associations with it that we have really struggled with. Next week though. It goes. There is going to be some serious room sorting and beautifying. There will be room to give it's mirror that isn't going anywhere and we don't have swampy suffocating associations with a proper clean, there's a large whitish streak down it that I believe is from an arm pit explosion and knowing that is jarring with the hippy chic loveliness. Feels really right thing to do to mark the first anniversary of being here and not there.

A lady from PIP was round. They phoned the day before so we didn't have too much to overthink it and get debilitating anxious and lots of new details about appoitments with government agencies or charties in the past when we knew we were going to gets lots of disgusting antisemtic misognistic and get told we would always be a slave. Think it went okish. I know we are not going to be able to give more details than we could in our own time in writing and that face to face there is always going to be a tendency to gloss over and not look at the details of things like incontinence and weepy DID. We actually laughed when she asked us to start counting down in sevens from a number near 100 than 7., we definitely got one right but no idea how good our guesses before that were. Guess we hoping that it wasn't too good can't see how we could of gotten them all right. Remembered to not do the physical actions that are asked for as any time we have agreed to them in the past it has left us shuddering and queasy when we remember after. Did forget our blind spot, the possible autism.

 It can be quite painful thinking about children needing and getting extra care and support when your own childhood it was usual for universal child needs were not met and seeing how uncomfortable and stressed kids who are being really well cared for can get and trying not to think about the effects of deliberate abuse on a small developing person already so sensitive because it's too awful. We start getting flashes of being forced to watch adults torture and train severely autistic kids and then we need to do something else.

 if an appeal is necessary we can explore it then.  We are anyway but slowly because its hurts and watching Atypical and thinking about it and knowing autism is associated with behaviour that wouldn't of been tolerated and would of been met with severe violence. States can't half make some wonderful positive funny soaps that we can seriously binge on when were are okay for watching people love and care for each other in entertaining ways without focusing on what we don't have. We are not accepting that One Day At A Time is not coming back.

They are a wonderful salve to our wounds unlike the other and older soaps where the endless gender enforcement and other shit that goes has us back staring in the bleakest abyss.

For a while we were in a system that had teenagers and others taught to keep all the kids quiet and handle able through trauma and use drugs only when necessary. Drugs cost money, violence doesn't is something I think might actually of been said. Some even went as far as to rationalise it and say it was better for the kids if they didn't experience what was done to them and in front of them. They were taught in interpret the looks in our eyes. They were taught to experiment to find out what physical pain each child could tolerate the least and to talk to them and to all of us to try and find out if any of us had any source of hope or comfort they didn't known to use against each infant, child or older and they always worked hard at slowly destroying whatever comfort it was.

There was also this place that I think the guys who worked there called the lab. I was mute or rather stopped learning how to talk once separated from my mother. dozen or so of us kids brought from the markets and one already there who didn't know anything else. I was mute it was the only thing I could think of to do to survive but I remember staring at that tiny kid feeling so angry thinking how there was just no going back for people who did something like this. I got good at faking states through the look in my eyes fast. I knew they didn't know about my mother but whoever they worked for didn't trust them and hadn't told them. Two of the main blokes talked in front of me a lot because they didn't think I could understand and couldn't talk any way. Another who generally dressed and smelled better and talked quiet and smarter would tell them not to talk in front of me. He had seen something and kept watching us with his narrowed icy eyes but it actually helped us stay vague and appear out of it. We had a horrible sense he had killed more, harmed more than all of the rest of them put together and we had to work hard to not let our eyes see and ears hear and brain know how true that was.

I did start occurring to us that our Mama wouldn't be able to rescue me and might not even know where we were. We tried to think of any other way for it to all stop. There was lots of concrete and metal bars and small bare looked rooms and boxes is all I can remember about how what the place actually looked like. There might of literally been only a small pile of straw for sleeping, porn magazines sometimes the young men wouldn't stop you if they caught you using them for blankets, pillow or as something between the bones sticking out the skin and the concrete floor.. There was youngish guys that spent a lot of time on computers or boasting, bickering and messing around when they weren't torturing us. Sometimes they put on lab coats for that especially in the beginning. After awhile it was just plastic apron things the quieter more bookish one that still wore his lab coat though.

 One day we were been taken from one area to another and remembered it was the same way we had been taken when we had first got here and we felt the difference in how everything looked and felt, in our height. We knew we wouldn't be able to survive much more and we knew that for us probably wouldn't mean death but we had no idea what would happen to the others being held with me and we didn't want to add to their misery.  We figured we had to some how get stronger and then something would happened that meant I wouldn't need to try and figure out any plan I would just have to figure it out at the time and that's pretty much what happened but I have no real sense of how long it took but I remember we were taught to steps to help our mind and to strengthen muscles by tightening and loosening them and we did that when we could. One of the loud ones spotted us and shouted on his mate he was laughing and saying we were masterbating and when the other came in grabbed me and held me and tight while the other one raped me. He was going to as well but there was something schedulaed that the one that had wanted to get on with.

Then, now and always We have that searing longing to not have to go through such horribleness, to not see so much murder and loss and disgustingness and savage injustices and feel so much pain and always be fighting to live, to be running, hiding, locked away, tortured, raped, sold. We wanted a world that doesn't have people farming people. We need a world where people don't farm people.

The big markets didn't get raided much. The smaller ones, say in bars, parks, small business or someone's front room did. Sometimes it was just cops from whatever area wanting a cut and a look at the wares. It would be years sometimes before we would find ourself at one. Reading the faces of the other ictims and searching for a familiar face and hoping they didn't look to bad. Some of us came with lots of conditions. We were only availed for limited times we had prior commitments that were none negotiable we had to be picked up and returned to Aberdeen Scotland so that would put lots of it was always sickening when the guy went 'oh hang on we might be able to work something out' citwe would try not to hear country and city names so we would not just think of the slavery whenever it was mentioned so there was generally lots of haggling and yaking going on. There would be others that were obviously a higher end of the market. There would only be a few of us taken and we would be scrubbed up and giving nice clothes, there would be sophisticated lighting and the buyer usually just an black outline if anything to us.

We knew we had to pick something to build on quickly while we still had a mind and as Scotland always the literal centre of so much of, and experiences there or directly from there haunted and hurt for weeks and years after is seemed a good a place to start as any. They want me to pretend I'm their daughter, that there is an actual family here that all the slaughter, blood and screaming never happened. Fine. But she is still us and she going to see she can have no life, no fun and nothing she wants while still in contact with such a abusive and violent family.

 To get away from them was to break the ties with all the rest of it anyway. It was all same, business far from Aberdeenshire kept us in Aberdeenshire. They were paying for the endless bullshit campaigns, the day to day violence, the clean ups after bigger violence constantly looking brief access to be subtleing trigger or not subtly awful to us and spit out stream of anti semtic, misogisnistic, racist rape and murder threats againt myself, the vulnerable and others who may been slack on treating me like shit

. A few of the British networks worked together on the trying to get as close to as many people say we would never get out of Scotland and never be safe or happy, We remember being curled up in a cupboard I think and could hear them make plans for how they were going to make sure everyone I came across said it, who was going to organise it if we were going to be neat a town or village and did anyone know about any tourists coming espically if was rural areas we would be in. We listened and wept. Wept for them for spending there time doing such a thing and for everyone else who had any taste of being treated like that. When we came to weep for ourself we stopped and looked around at the crampt space and felt our brain gently fall into efficient working order.

The memories rising to the surface don't effect us so badly for as long as they did now that we are away from the scene of decades of crimes. We are here, not crying with exhaustion and stress and pain trying to find here and get here or crying in exhaustion and stress and pain and having no hope of being here. Accepting is so much easier when your life isn't totally unacceptable.

Looking out at the backdoor not long after the movers had left we couldn't stop ourself from not focusing on the present especially when there so much that had to be done and starting wondering and hoping about how things would be in a year. We feel we have done her proud, that we do live how she has always dreamed about living. It's difficult to word how it feels, slowly opening our eyes to our surrondings, hearing, acknowledging and telling ourself nothing, saying wordless as possible until we hear ourself spontonusly state 'We did it.'

It didn't feel certain we would still be here, that it would be okay, or that US would defend itself. Don't know how many parts know the deal with the origins of impressions we have about part of the anti slave tradition became focused on limiting the plans for the U.S. To make sure enough of the work done to make sure there would be effective resistance to slavers and fascists and misognists taking  control and dismantling the institutions that uphold the constitution that there was a chance it would be stopped. Even if efforts failed they was a chance that they could regroup and restore but that couldn't happen if the flesh bots where all in places and correctly programmed.

Interesting to think about this time next year. What happens over there doesn't feel as relevant to us as it did but not many things do. Netflix feels relevant and keeping an eye out for price drops in dragon stuff on Amazon for Dude's xmas. It was such a hard year before we got the benefits sorted out and before that it had pretty just been a really hard life. We are so glad we have the big mug we deserve with dream big written on it, that there is a large fluffy onesy under the bed and a new DS. Things are not as really hard as they used to be and that's more than okay but is going to take a while to adjust.

October 31, 2019

been worse


With all the sorting out, moving around and getting of new shit Laura's painting has ended up on a wall almost by itself and it looks right. The stupid giant dresser is still around making every around it a hassle. We are going to have to get that thing out of here by our self, down that narrow staircase. Then the short distance to the kerb. It might not be impossible to get help in that area and are beginning to accept the possibility that it is impossible without. The new bedside table here and its the same height as the bed and making us feel like a grown up. It's very gorgeous if we can get the giant dresser out we might get something else of the same or similar range. So still a sucker for wicker baskets in small simple wood frames. This has a little drawer.. and a pattern on the basket linning.

the kitchen the kitchen. It's really a cool place to be now and the little padded chair is something we should of thought to get ourself long before now and we would then forget couldnt maintain the grownup thinking of own physical care comfort thing up for long. Really looking forward to painting over the big stains where tea bags propelled at rubbish bags on the floor and missed their marks badly but not feeling all anxious that it must be done now. There is paint for is and the bathroom tiles here on the way. Little  jobs that we can do without making our health way worse can we done and cleaned up in short peroids of time.

We have personalised the home screen of our miniputer.

It can be confirmed that a reasonable portion of the pictures taken on my phone are now also on here. I believe..

There's been a thing sometimes with people not feeling like there moved in properly until they have changed or put in new lampshades for the overhead lights. We really didn't care or notice them until recently. A monthish from now and it will be a year. Looking at photos from before was difficult. We could feel the pain again and the all weight of everything and everyone that had or would ever hurt us never got lighter. We get chills sometimes of the 'but what if's, what if we lost all this but they are expected and hurting less.

 started the new best colouring book with watercolour pens..

October 17, 2019

Nght and Day

So here we are. In bed with a turquoise fluffy hot water bottle and clean cotton bedding. In a room with a wooden table by the window and stripy colourable table cloth for eating at, for doing homework and hopefully soon for Us to colour or paint or write at with a trailing plant in a patterned purple pot hanging in macramé above it. We are in a seaside town in Northern England where people smile and say Hi and no one has spit or at either me or the child yet as far as we have noticed where we read Virginia Woolf and scour Netflix in flesh with it's contracting uterus, drippy urethra, aching locking knees and badly scarred arms, smoking habits despite wheezing lungs making sure we stay grounded in violent realities that our mind keeps mostly hidden whilst she slowly exposes the events she needs recognised the most, the times of enforced immobility that we needed to be escped to be survivable.

At long last the phone very rarely rings or peeps and we don't have pretend to that the people constructed to make and keep me broken are family. We don't have pretend all the murders never happened we don't have to tolerate people who tortured and killed the only person we ,have ever be close to calling us by her name. It goes on in our dreams just as the American's still support genocide but they don't call their stolen land a beckon of hope like they used to. While the empowered British and swaves of the hungry and hateful population have given up pretending they having souls, intellects or consciouses anymore. Tearing each others throats out in fights over scraps that fall from the tables and attacking the source of any suggestion that they deserve better than scraps and kickings while licking the grease of the hands of those that take everything from them. The sick old man ranting over the garden fence about slaughtering innocents to punish us for surviving what he couldn't and for enjoying the sunshine, Johnson, Trump, Putin, Erdogan  and all are the shades of Fascist leaders everywhere are all the same machine, the same flesh, same brain, same hardware and same software that can't learn, can't interpret, cant cognate, their senses are pretend, painted on, connected to nothing.

People are stamping on the breaks and pulling on steering wheels after cutting the cables because they were told it would stop someone their own direction in life it didn't occur they would ever be in danger of becoming a smudge on a tree themselves. We were never allowed in the driving seat or even a verbal passenger but still we could do without more noise and more mess and would rather hug trees not lathered in fossil fuels and spattered with human grease. We've seen that already and have nothing more to learn from it.



October 12, 2019

The plan for today, shower, attend the big little man's eye appointment, eat food, a little shopping then come home, rest then make a start on the kitchen, change the bedding, maybe do more work in his room but after a two course meal and two glasses of wine after not having much appetite for weeks the 'rest' became hours of sleep with weird but not totally awful dreams. Nothing productive happens on waking so still in my grubby pit. He is sitting in a gamer chair with his feat on the silky pink rug he choose in a little clean island. He actually should of gotten his butt out of the new comfy chair we put together last night and into bed ten minutes ago as ordered but Is feeling pretty crappy. Stupid cold keeps making a come back and its not surprising considering our fucked up sleep and appetite and how hard it is to get outside even with these beautiful Autumnal days we've been having. It's that run down, depression, unhealthy habits cycle after viruses that is so hard to get out of without help. Sucks.

Tomorrow! Surely will include a clean bed as well as sorting out school uniform, cleaning and cooking. Will be so glad we did. Mounting amount of things that need done that include phone calls for Monday might be best to write a list and prioritise. Tsk. Thinking about how much better it will feel when jobs are done doesn't help much with motivation when physically rough because of the extra weepiness during and the even more exhaustedness and irritability after chores.

There was a stranger danger, creepy dude has been asking kids their names on the way to school email that went out so need to have some kind of talk with him. He especially needs to be wary of strangers talking to him and asking his name when out without me. Mummy has pissed off a lot of bad guys, its not fair but that means you gotta be extra careful. He's so friendly and innocent but he's also not an idiot as he will be clear in telling me no doubt. Hard not to panic and feel internals preparing for trouble though. We wouldn't of made the move if it meant more of the same but less of the same in a much better place.. Well stressing and not doing anything is less than useful We are well aware of that.

Sleep, food, fresh air makes us a lot better at dealing with things, wish it was easier.

October 10, 2019

A Wee Bitty Better

Best boost for Hidden City, free energy and a seriously higher chance of finding items, it got Us too excited though and didn't have enough tools so kept losing though. Activated it to force a decent break from gutting the child's midden. Half of it is not like a midden at all now, the area around his desk gets absolutely disgusting. Its a grab big items, use a dust pan and brush then the broom before getting the wonderful new Hoover in about it. There is a carpet join that's falling apart so will get him a new fluffy rug for under his feat to protect the carpet, cause he loves fluffies and will hopefully encourage him and me to not let it get so bad. His chair and coffee table came today but there isn't the space or stamina to build them yet.  Hope to have a bit more done by the time he gets home from school tomorrow.

My room is of course just getting worse, as all our energy is going to his room. Had clean bedding for days and am still in a grubby nest because after doing other stuff that desperately needs doing there is just no energy to move about and wrestle with a fitted sheet and duvet cover.

Have wisely not put any money down get but have been spending some time looking at paint colours.. Would start on the bathroom, kind of inspired by the retreating mould above the window as well as the hanging fern. Slightly freaked out when first noticed it. Mould fading by it's self.. WTF.. did someone treat it when we were out? Did one of us treat it and not tell the upfront me? Is it the magical powers of the fern? The only other thing it could be is the air purifier that we got with the backed dated too fucked up to work money so we could smoke fags in bed sometimes without feeling guilty and reeking the place up. Quite impressed with it as it must be cleaning the whole flat as its not like its ever ran in the bathroom. Our lungs of course would prefer it if we went back to having to of our arse to smoke at the door and kept the purifier.

White walls, white woodwork. It's too much! Décor helps but a lot some something else on the woodwork would be cool and just keep the walls white. Get something washable and hope the bits we paint over don't stand out to much. White on white probably only noticeable when it's really bright and your looking for it. We would be sensible. No definetly biting of more than we can chew because we are so desperate for an improvement. Furniture paint for a couple of drawer things.. Maybe after cleaning up kitchen We could think about the doing something with the black fireplace. We would enjoy it not being black and sucking up all the light in the room..There's the fancy bits on the doors to... Tentatively thinking the bathroom could be done by Xmas, health depending of course. Would be ever lovelier than it is already.

It's all fun to think about whilst looking over vintage inspired paint colours and a hell of a lot easier that getting that dresser down the fucking stairs. Will be so glad once its done and have physically recovered. :-)

October 07, 2019

Yep We were right definitly should not of read that

It was a piece in one of the online new sites about anti Semitism, specifically ''blood libel'' and Jews being blamed for missing and murdered kids. It's not the first time we have heard about it and it brings back smaller brain realisations and anger about peoples being accused of things that they were close or sometimes exactly things done to them. Not that we believe that all anti-Semitic communities have ritual abuse at their heart but it's not that we can feel any surety that this hasn't been the case either as we don't have much experience of communities and societies that haven't had internal, mythologised and central practices of rape, murder and enslavement while assuming rational civility outwardly. Gaslighting as social norm, a major industry and export of the West.

We got the abusers history that said they were and are behind all human culture everywhere, social and technological progress and the outward public history which denies the existence of the people and practices that gave me the first stuff we mentioned so both are majorly clearly majorly flawed. There's our mother's stuff to of course and that confirmed some aspects of both but we can't remember specifics because the parts with the first hand experience are too isolated, lonely and terrorised. All we say is 'hug'.

We are over the worst of physical symptoms of the current horrible virus, not being hit with bouts of fever as often but still just wanting to cry and cry a lot and wish so much someone would bring us soup that hadn't come out of a tin and help us with the housework. Junior was sent to shop twice today, so much of a relief that he can do that it makes us want to cry, not something We would want to make a habit of but we did get him to get us pee pads today, soggy, stinky pants and jammies do not make us feel any better. Had an appetite a little bit without having taken codeine about an hour before and managed to hang the macramé at our bedroom window, wash and dry school uniform and made a tiny start on his room so didn't spend all of it chuckling at 'Good News', finding hidden objects, shivering, sweating, sobbing and marveling at the genius of Virginia Woolf. Not into 'The Years' as much as we were the other ones we have read recently but its not finished yet. Glad there is quite a few we haven't read at all yet but may need a break from all the English middle classness, all that exposure to social and material loveliness can get upsetting even if it is through Woolf's humanity and wit.

We will soon have got rid of stuff we don't need, put up new prints, be showering regularly again, gotten a bit more organised and feel very chuffed at our hippyfantastic décor and a present without immediate horror. We have wanted a plant in a nice colourful pot, in a funky macramé hanger at that window since we were shown round and now we have exactly that, We will show you soon. Damn shame we keep missing the window cleaners.

October 03, 2019

hghly unlikely

There's no way any of that was real. I can remember giving one of that little gang a kicking out side the house in rotty and I think I remember the one I was supposed to have had a thing with standing with them in a show of 'see I hate you for your DNA to because someone who doesn't give a fuck about anyone said it would be materially beneficial to me' but when the streets are full of people intent on doing me and junior more serious harm is not when we get effected by tricks pulled to make us think we have had relationships that we haven't. Clearly or we would be dead or worse long ago.

Been think about the afore mentioned again. All the efforts there has been over the years to get us to say where he is and how they can get to him. Thinking if they tortured me enough he would show up, that's an obvious ploy and one we thought of when we sent him away. They don't believe it when we say we don't know, that we can't just summon information on request, that if it appeared we did in the past it either wasn't us or we were bullshitting and that he might be long dead. We said so many times so many different creeds and colours of scum that the more they hurt us the more irretrievable the facts become and will remained so. It gave us Pablo though. Think some of the Scottish women offered us a termination if we told, ''What in an actual hospital? Without any abuse or torture? I don't think your in a position to guarantee that.'' She gave a frustrated sign and looked away. Yuck. Not sure if that was one of the one's that is dead now. I hope so.

Stupid brain been watching U.S too much and had us doing the, where does he get the money from to bride people? Deutche Bank apparently but where to they get the money from and why would they give to that lot where they are clearly really shit with it? We don't get words as an answer but we get an emotional response, a sinking, a freezing, disgust, horror, fury and flashes of our mother.

 There's been times recently when I think We saw her face.

We should maybe stop watching so much. It is getting better but we are still easily out of breath and exhausted so doing more would help but its hard not to do more without getting so exhausted we can't do anything. Waiting for update for hidden object game

 desperately waiting. Remembering how he searched our eyes to see if it was safe as we sat in the swirly arm chair underneath the window where I would play with the threads and touch coldness of the exposed metal button where the fabric had worn away during so many long phonecalls in Torry. Afterwards he said what we needed to here so perfectly we couldn't believe he was real. And Louise, he asked about things Louise had said before she was killed.

It's after midnight maybe the update is in.