..dear reader..

Winter Fest was pretty lovely.  There's no getting away from the improvement in general base levels of depression, anxiety, feeling controlled and terror at intrusive memories for the moment anyway.. Lots of chuffedness at the presents we got ourselves and the old privileged parts who usually turn up at the end/beginnings of years were quite impressed with everything, but they are generally very happy anyway to be away from the privilege and from being part of determining injustice, current life is like a big ethical glamping commune for them.  At the other end of the scale things a much better too, benefits are ok and we are not paying the credit debt so the "having nothing = being nothing" feelings are triggered less.  Much more able to ask the friend whose not a big spender himself to bail us out instead of excepting suffering as 'what your here for'.  Hogmany, like Christmas day was just us and junior, like it should of been last year but was too worried the ...

Can't put a price on feeling positive and inspired. Sooo. No one has contacted social services about my sister yet.  Well not as far as I know anyway.  After her last binge mum agreed again to give her one last chance, as long as she went to her sessions, took some drug that might help cravings and stayed sober.  Mother also offered to pay for Alkysis's to have private therapy.  This had me spitting a few feathers at the time.  Alkysis has never shown much interest in therapy whenever she has been offered it in the past.  Legend has it that she went to one AA meeting and turned up gutter and was asked to leave.  She made out she was still going for weeks taking my mums and money and hitting the pub, or the bus shelter toilet with a bottle of rum or whatever it is she does.   Whereas I have a sense of 'therapy' being one of my first conscious words along with 'no', 'lawyer' and 'sore'.  'Police' came a bit later.  She has n...

...mixed with water and some of the kids apple and blackcurrant in fact its delicious.  Can't be very fine if you down it neat in bathrooms though.  Anyway.  Tia has been on my mind a lot.  I'm sure I'm far from being the only one who finds themselves watching girls and cute boys trying to memorise what there wearing, the time and anyone they may talk to. On a much happier note.  There is pollen in my possession and in mother's to probably by now.  It's a massive trigger seeing my sister drunk with or without her kids.  Seeing my mum seriously stressed out and not copying is as well.  The kids are all fine though except for mine who has picked up the cold and is sprawled on the sofa with a hot water bottle and Ben 10. He's excepting calpol, he must be feeling really crappy.  Ate a good bit of macaroni pie with extra cheese, peas, sweetcorn, prawn crackers and fruit though.  I decided ...

'I'm an alcoholic.'  Her wobbly face seemed puffy but its hard to tell because the hell in her eyes makes it difficult to look closely.  'What do you want me to do?'  Her centre of non focus shifted from my direction to the vague direction of Mike the kids' father and then our dad.  Mike asked her if she had any money and if she did to give to dad or her adult son up in Aberdoom.  He's twenty, just left another broken family with two wee ones, he's usually fine but gets aggressive when drunk or angry sometimes.  He is also best friends the last person who assaulted me (just a slap and a push) and boasted about sexually abusing my son.   I wonder how far the aggression from my sister's son towards her drinking is a factor sometimes.  I remember a shared abuser, you see, between me and the nephew.  He was our downstairs neighbour when we first moved to town before my sister got p...

So the twins are in. A bit late they were literally like beansprouts by the time I got back from my mum's. I'm having the whole infinity with it again. Feeling for them. Not sure about the led though but only time well tell. This is Scotland remember, not much of acceptance of medicinal benefits of banned substances. I feel writes growing in my mind. Little capillaries linked what I was, what I am and the kind of life I used to dream about. Maybe that's why I dream about the Glen so much. Getting so close to the contours of pine forests, the hit from rhododendrons. Something happen in my when I spent a lot of time outside an moving around out there. I feel in love with the rural landscape and it made me feel like a poet. Still want to punch middle sis if I see her for more than a day and a night. She keep repeating in her usual style when drunk, that she 'loves' her nursing work. I'm glad she is getting on better with her two. She still turns into...

Scotland hitting the early twenties in March. Bloody brilliant. Wierd walking around in a T shirt when the trees are all still bare. Maybe I could of made more of it but I'm not a big fan of sunburn, I hate feeling cooked. Sunshine makes me want things though. More/better friends, entertainment, opportunities. Sex. Starting taking meds more regularly. Made some decisions, feeling like more of grown up who is learning how to care for herself. I keep seeing, feeling, sensing something I used to be much more aware of. It hard to describe, its like a dot, a point, a spot even, in the center of my mind. I'm not sure what it means, is it a center, a blind spot, a full stop? I'm not sure but I've feeling like I can explore being me. Like I'm more aware of my environment, the Earth, my body. Like I can allow myself to be. I cried in dramatherapy last week. Someone else in group wasn't her usual self. She looked so hurt, so small and vulnerable it bro...

New dramatherapist is lovely, the first was good but this one maybe has a wee bit more feistiness about her. I'm a good bit further on of course as well though. The reading I've been doing, and just that bit longer living on my own and feeling more or less safe. We talked about Little Me and I picked a furry animal with big eyes to represent her and put her in the sand box. I choose others to, an eagle for angry me, a ram for obvious sheep/lamb related reasons, a Russian dole for party girl and a dolphin for harmony me. I was worried the eagle might eat the sheep. She talked about individual dramatherapy and I am quite tempted but we need the group stuff as well, its a laugh, I like the other group members, its extremely good for me to be around people and feel safe. I could see people coming out in individual therapy in ways that wouldn't happen in groups though. She suggested individual sessions for when I wasn't up for group, a very good idea, I think wee migh...