..dear reader..

Last night I thought about attempting a coherent, well structured satanic shrinks piece but I can't be arsed.  I've been engaging on and off with NHS services for 20 years.  I talk about incest and am questioned about my sexual fantasies and relationships regardless of how old I am.  Before he left the Psychiatrist who gave me the Persistent Delusional Disorder diagnosis 3 years ago said he wasn't as confident in it as he was but because I said cannabis use made by memories clearer, easier to manage he wouldn't change the diagnosis.  I asked him if there was lots of research about cannabis and DID and if there was had he read it, he shrugged, looked away.  He said he if was true there was no way I could of gotten out which helped me understand how I got out, they just cant see me..  His English was good but his accent is strong, like me I guess and sometimes I wan't sure if he wasn't answering a question because he didn't...

Reading Olgo R. Trujillo's book, have stopped after the part when her dad gets her brothers involved. I remember that hope to, seeing my sisters with him. They want to help me, to talk about the truth unlike Olga though I can't go into any detail about what happened next. It's not even blackness, just that the nanny part of me stops me from seeing any more like 'dont worry your pretty head about all that my dear'. There are flashes of my sisters on top of me anything else gets pulled back before it comes to the surface. I love the fact she writes about her eyes moving back and forward, the flickering, daytime REM I've talked about in previous blogs, inner restructuring. I'm sure I used to hold moments in my fist like she did as well, until it was found out and I had to think of something else. Left hand making cord shapes along to Beth Orton, I used to think that the first thing I would do when the trials were over was learn how to play the guitar p...