..dear reader..

Gonna have to just regularly plan to not have the sonshine around after therapy. Its always been an issue, the exhaustion afterwards but now there is the extra travelling and the extra work.  Its always tricky trying to find words to describe what its is like in this DID system but at the moment our day to day consciousness is not what it was. This voice is painful difficult to use, forced of course because our usual voice does not speak for us, its under orders and often comes from a place of abject terror.  We are even less anchored to a false and manipulated consciousness, passed a point of no return - ditch the road metaphor this a jungle. We have been playing Skyrim, still. Its helping parts that want nothing to do with conversations, human interaction and everyday life. Everyone is starved of so much normal world development stuff and human needs its impossible to recognise them all. We are headed towards somewhere we cant imagine and its difficult to rest when everyt...

Forgive us Karen Bradley, you seemed like you would of done more but were taken off Yew Tree.. From: "Karen.A.Bradley@met.police.uk" <Karen.A.Bradley@met.police.uk> To: * Sent: Monday, October 15, 2012 1:55 PM Subject: Dear Julia. Police have received a referral from NSPCC regarding what you disclosed. Would you please email me back with your contact details including your address, or alternatively, please could you contact the office on 0207 161 3854. Regards Karen Total Policing is the Met's commitment to be on the streets and in your communities to catch offenders, prevent crime and support victims. We are here for London, working with you to make our capital safer. Consider our environment - please do not print this email unless absolutely necessary. NOTICE - This email and any attachments may be confidential, subject to copyright and/or legal privilege and are intended solely for the use of the intended recipient. If you have received this email i...

Gona try put in order a bit.. taking some names out.. Yew Tree to emails to follow.. Left in some put not all of legal signatures. From: "help@nspcc.org.uk" <help@nspcc.org.uk> To: * Sent: Tuesday, October 9, 2012 11:30 PM Subject: Re: jimmy saville Dear * Ref 10060233 Thank you for your e mail which we received today, 9/10/12. The information you gave will be referred to the police who are dealing with all the allegations regarding Jimmy Savile.   Please  be aware  that the NSPCC has a duty to share all relevant information including any details you have provided about yourself.  However, the service does operate a strict confidentiality policy and it will be requested that your details are not disclosed. Regards Anne Children’s Services Practitioner. NSPCC Thank you for taking the time to contact the NSPCC with your concerns. I hope you have found contacting the Helpline useful. The NSPCC values service feedback and if you have any c...

For the non tweeters... We did already know this but if pain, trauma, stress are stored in the muscles and the muscles are massaged... She worked on our legs yesterday for a bit it wasn't easy. We trust the determined parts but they can be as wrong as anyone else sometimes.  The more we accept the more light is shown on hurt parts and their past...

I think it was my child therapist who first described DID to me when I was about 14/15.  When she talked about the chronic depression of the Apparently Normal Personalities becomes they are so disconnected from the Emotional Personalities, from the body, from everything my eyes must of lit up and jaw dropped.  It was truth, bloody truth.  From the NHS!  From another human being! Not in a setting that was very. very wrong!  To me! Whatever ANP was there to hear that has been behind a lot of the parts since then are recognisable as me.  It was an exit sign, I couldn't always see it or know if it was possible head in its direction but I'd still seen it, it existed.  She never gave it as a formal diagnosis, she wasn't sure that police getting involved in whatever was going on at home would help, she didn't have any confidence in her colleagues in psychiatry either. The other day my current therapist talked in terms of being David a...

Last night I thought about attempting a coherent, well structured satanic shrinks piece but I can't be arsed.  I've been engaging on and off with NHS services for 20 years.  I talk about incest and am questioned about my sexual fantasies and relationships regardless of how old I am.  Before he left the Psychiatrist who gave me the Persistent Delusional Disorder diagnosis 3 years ago said he wasn't as confident in it as he was but because I said cannabis use made by memories clearer, easier to manage he wouldn't change the diagnosis.  I asked him if there was lots of research about cannabis and DID and if there was had he read it, he shrugged, looked away.  He said he if was true there was no way I could of gotten out which helped me understand how I got out, they just cant see me..  His English was good but his accent is strong, like me I guess and sometimes I wan't sure if he wasn't answering a question because he didn't...

Wee man's wee facial injury has been causing me a whole heap of anxiety and some specific flashbacks.  Being held down in my bedroom while someone hit my front teeth with a hammer.  Very calculated blow enough to cause lots of pain and bit of bleeding but not shatter them. It was my family and Savile related but I can't remember exactly who was there. I had no chance of of not being aggravated even if I had tried.  I had an at school alter who knew she could never wonder why she felt so awful or where she was in pain and never to try and do anything about it.  I bit into something at lunch, twix or something and ended up crumpled head head down weeping in agony in front of a packed dinner hall. There was another time a lot more complex tripping me up, again in my bedroom with my hands tied behind my back so my mouth would hit something carefully placed before me.  Given instructions on how I had to fall, that time was with Scottish Ritual Abuse type...

I think I might give the blog a rest for a while, I need to take a step back to figure out where I want to take this.  I need to focus on integrating, getting fitter and therapy.  I need to figure out what I want to do here. We are about to start spending some time talking about current thinking on DID so I also need to start trying think of ways to articulate what I mean when I use the term 'mind control'.  I've given her an outline of where I'm at regarding abuse growing up during the eighties and explained a bit working back from contacting her last year but there's a big chunk called the 90s that I'm not remotely ready to think chat or write about.  Ian Watkin's arrest has started that process off, in terms of me remembering who I am anyway and hopefully in uncovering the networks.  Savile's death and the scandals afterwards have made it possible to fill in some of the long term every day blanks in my memory without some...

Txted my pal this morning to find out my chances of getting any weed today, she said probably not today but soon. Today is the anniversary of a still birth for the couple she gets it from.  This was enough to set me off, crying loud enough and long enough for wee man to hear and come in the room to ask why I was sad, why I was crying.  Still birth? In a hospital, with medical attention, the support of a long term partner/family/friends, a burial, a name, a date without being concussed, drugged or hit with enough mind control so you forget the specifics, feelings never go though.   Flowers, hugs, sympathetic GPs.  I don't think many of mine born after 22 weeks or so were still, to begin with anyway.  Why the little fuckers would hold onto life so hard I'll never know anymore than I know why I held on to life when I could of so easily just of let go.  Except of course to piss people off.  It was the thought of exposing my family one ...

Someone on a forum put up the email that Jimmy Jones put up on his site about Savile.  Someone read it and replied that it 'read like fiction'.  As a past and hopefully future student of English I found that quite interesting, as was the stuff I read on Digital Spy today. Like Fiction. Soz ma unkempt grammar, fidgetin voice an messy register don't satisfy your info lust. Soz the bastardised language, unlikely themes and scatty tense teases but never places in your lap the perfectly formed balance of immaculate grammar and convincing graphic imagery.  Ma fractured & crushed attempts at truth can't gratify all that starved, surging longing for an empirically structured but hard hitting first person narrative.  Coz any mes (you see) that went to school, they never got away and are all rotting still with him in his unmarked grave or wrapped round our friends at the bottom of the Irish sea. 

Over the years he took over how I was treated by other groups.  Taking away any ritualism that wasn't completely abusive.  If they refused Savile turned against them, there was some mixed feelings at seeing men who considerable themselves untouchable being treated in the same way that they had treated me.  Savile wasn't too interested in discussing nuances of Satanic theory.  He had no time for any 'genuinely religious' Satanism, he explained to the leaders how to simplify things and then demonstrated on me and others.  Harm for the sake of it which was 'real' Satanism as far as I was concerned, all that bookishness and dead languages missed the point because it didn't cause enough harm.  Of course anything that went on that didn't directly hurt me was to be cherished and he took a lot of it away from. I looked forward to the time when Savile would introduced himself to and infiltrate the groups and bloodlines that were big on se...

Sent this to to Jimmy, https://renegadesblog.wordpress.com/2013/01/27/the-devil-inside/ . He spent time in North Wales Care homes and refuses to keep his big gob closed on this and lots of other matters.  I've re-posted it here, then I'm going go back to it later and try and fill in. 'I'm not sure when I met him for the first time.  I remember a man who I think was Savile sticking his tongue in my mouth when I was a toddler and a group of men in suits laughed about it.  After that I taken to various places by various rings and was introduced to someone who definitely was Savile and was told not to let on I had met him before.  I cant remember him being part of anything definitely ritualistic until after we moved out to the country when I was four but I have a strong sense of ritualised abuse becoming very normal to me very early.  'I' wasn't hurt much during rituals before we moved, I was told they were 'just pretend' and ...

I feel like a fraud sometimes.  I should be discouraging people from being too nice to ritual abuse victims,  chances are we have hurt hundreds of people and followed countless orders to quash the vulnerable.  I'm scared that someone is going to come out with something that I can't deny and I'll will loose all the support I'm getting.  I've got to challenge my self censorship though or I will never move on from any of it.  It terrifies the thought of opening myself up and finding mes that were broken and programmed to a point of being pure evil, actually getting pleasure from hurting those that can't fight back, relishing the creative procesess during the planning stages.  Well if anyone did come out with anything I wouldn't try and shut them up I would admit everything I believed to be true and explain as much as I could of the circumstances on the way down.  That's why its unlikely I would ever face legal problems, I would h...

everyone for the encouragement and kind words, you reward all my efforts when no one else does and that means way, way more than I hope you will ever know ;) I was prepared for the 'so why haven't you mention Savile before'.  Previous conversations are mentioned in  my emails to Yew Tree and to the 2 PC's back in December but I knew I would still hear it.  I told her I have, of course.  She hasn't spoken to her colleagues that have spoken to me yet so why ask that?  I'm preparing for a flat out denial from all them all regarding me saying anything about Savile before he died.  I know though. I talked they wrote, then I signed what they had written, if and whenever asked. They were pretty dismissive, in attitude and tone to everything I said so no chance of any chatty mes coming out.  I asked her if she would be able to find out for me why Yew Tree didn't want to me to be interviewed before compiling the report saying there was no evi...

So polis the marra, nae bather though, dishes are done, there's notes writtin and I'll run the hover over the hall again later.  There wis a wee bit o fonin back an fore over the time and a hav ti say, shi soonds like shi mite be a wee bit ov a numpty.  I've been wrang aboot folk on tha fone bifore tho. I've even had a go at Wonder Webbing the curtains that are dragging on the floor in the living room.  Did a good job on the first side, the other is a bit of a disaster, but its all off the ground. I'm just glad she is coming in the morning straight after dropping of wee man.  Not enough time to get properly stressed about it.  Therapy afterwards, which is really good. I wont be able to curl up into a ball afterwards and mutter stuff or think about smashing a cup and then using a shard to slash my arm, or going to the pub. Maybe it won't be like that at all, maybe she will come across as professional and non-judgmental, empath...

I have opened a new emailed and called it B.B.C.  I've stopped now, I'm here instead, not knowing where to start.  But the radio is on (6Music - BBC), wee man entrenched in Epic Mickey 2, I have tea, I have heat, I have weed, there is plenty of bread and peanut butter.  When I spoke to my therapist about speaking out she didn't like the idea that I hold things back from formal investigations because they were unbelievable.  All of its unbelievable its starts in unlikely and ends somewhere far beyond current scientific understandings.  I could never come up with the right alternative and I wrestled with it a lot, thinking and rapping with it over years.  Everything always comes out like the stutterings of someone with significant brain abdornmalities, sometimes it seemed very apporiate and I went with it and creeped people out. A restart and giving up on Chrome and a premature search for Pulps new single that was playing when things st...

There is a few typos left and its bit clumsy at times, especially towards the end, I have resisted the urge to fix them. Behold below! My letter to the investigations...  As a survivor of networks in which Savile played a very significant role I have found and still find it difficult to remember, articulate and find the right person to talk to about this.  There is a lack of witnesses and victims coming forward and a lack of training in the police when it comes to taking claims of extreme organised abuse seriously.  I am sending this letter to institutions who have ongoing investigations into Jimmy Savile to request that those involved keep an open mind in regards to the possibility of abusive networks that may have included the day to day staff in institutions from various roles and professions.   I am aware that the recent Yew Tree report stated that 'offences were normally, opportunistic' (7.11,p.12) but I hope the...

Twisty, ancient fucker isnt it? Well if it is just a part one then the  Yew Tree Report  is a not bad example of big bureaucracy making some kind of attempt at recognising a very messing problem.  I have to acknowledge it seeing it written up like that  gives a sense of new freedom, a wee bit of faith in society in general.  One document alone doesn't change culture and practices that are generations old though but they can mark the start of processes of real and lasting change. I didn't like the brief nod in the direction of anything organised though but then I wouldn't would I?  Article 7.12 'no clear evidence of Savile operating within a paedophile ring'.  It was good to feel the old history skills waking up.  At school I loved using documents as primary sources but I did cultural history at university and could longer understand why you would want to spend weeks of your life reading some...

Then the weed ran out and I got the letter saying I got no points and wasn't entitled to ESA.  The whole 'Im gonna get myself a MA in English' was much more 'wiz up' then, than 'yea man'.  I might as well put in the effort with the wee scholarship application though.  I need something and if not this than maybe trying for it will help me to figure out what.  I didn't want to completely abandon the idea because it is outside what bloody Cameron and his mates think I should get money for.  I've considered it a couple of times before but the idea seems to be germinating big time this time.  I'm not 'just' an unemployed, partially disabled, single mother with a difficult past, I'm all that but with an impressive academic record.  Not completely mental all the time and actually quite good at figuring things out. I'm tough enough and sane enough to know that the current local job market...

Before we broke off I said to my therapist that I wanted to continue giving a brief overview of my teen years but I think we will be going back to talk about the eighties. Its not images and sensations connected to the sexual abuse by my Scottish dad that flood every time I feel even remotely connected to my own sexuality.  Its all about Savile now.  I came round and remembered various times through out the years. Every time I would notice how much older his body was and how closely I had seen it age, how much my body knew him, it felt like big chunks of me had been cleaved of. He was one of those that it didn't matter how much I did or didn't fight, who I did or didn't tell I would still myself being raped by them and them with the same void in their eyes.  The flashbacks from previous traumas would be so common and so intense sometimes I didn't know when I was remembering something that...