..dear reader..

Felt less awful today, especially after my 'Wordless Wednesday' award. People have called me 'strong and courageous' before but it was hard for it to mean anything. It wasn't a choice, I woke up, sometimes in the middle of being brave. Answering back, making phone calls, remembering everything, smashing up their objects, smashing up their people. I get too cocky about the violence and omit that one of my survival skills was nothing to do with violence although it did motivate it. I fell in love with people, I would see someone who had something I needed, a position of power, a personality trait, a way of seeing things and would dedicate my life to giving them as easy a ride as possible, sometimes literally. I would fight their abusers, hide their money, give them new names, new identities, everything I couldn't do for myself. I was well aware that part of my motivation was just that, to give someone something that I needed but couldn't get. But there...

Back in my urine soaked buckled office chair. I didn't pee on it, my son did several times. Cbeebies games much more involving than body functions I can understand that. Its just that this room is my bedroom, it's carpeted. It has study area and is quiet beautiful underneath all the books, scribled on paper, toys and all the other human crap. No actual poop today though. Living room is truly spiffy, its worth the pain, even if that washing thats been out for two days gets rained on tonight, its not a big deal. Tomorrow is penny day and as supplies are very low we will be going out early. He's eaten all the apples and the dairylea, he's got megamind on now. Wasn't in the mood to tell anyone on match.com they have lovely eyes. No reply from Zep hope my style of flirting hasnt scared him of. poof. Shame, his eyes are very involving..

Mum had to get me up to take wee man to nursery.. Smoked up pretty much all my hash, not writing much mostly just feeling like a bam. I mean, posh bubble bath, strawberry's, Carol Ann Duffy lesbian love poems, to a regular class A user, HELLLOO. Never mind, I've invited her out later if it stays nice. I do want to see her but aint having no gfd that chooses that filth over my sweet self. I don't think so. Maybe that's what the shit dreams were about, not aiming high enough, not sorting out all the crap I have lying around. Cheap badly fitting clothes that should just be put in the bin. Anyhoo, first draft 'Sanctity', I've been peeing about with it long enough, treat it as serious arty poem about the spiritual reality that exists in every human and maybe in every social interaction.