..dear reader..

'Potential' he says, 'I like to support people in realising theirs'. Yea I know. It's a word I've heard before, many people have said that about me. That I have 'potential', potential to make them money, potential to become something I don't want to be, potential to scrub up well, potential to be starved, potential to be drugged, potential to kill, potential to please people, potential for a photographic memory, potential to rememeber nothing, potential to be manipulated, potential to become nothing more than a shared lump of pain riddled ignorant flesh. He didn't mean it like that of course and I never told him the word is a bit of a 'trigger' for me. Everything is a 'trigger'. Espically people looking at me and talking. Going back there has stirred me up in ways I wasn't expecting. I want to go back. To be part of a city where there are lots of possible sources of support. Where hundreds of thousands have been a...

We haven't been getting on as well as we were. It's only to be expected I have had three colds in the last three months. Each one hitting a a lot harder and longer than the one before. He was great at first, leaving me to sleep and not shouting or repeating himself lots when he talks. He's sick of it now though, too much Tom and Jerry, too much time with a ill, fatigued or pained mother. As the last cold faded in to a nagging cough and general knackeredness one of the lumps in my armpit started growing again. I knew I couldn't go through what I did with the last cyst, which was to be in constant pain before eventually giving in and going to see my GP. She lanced it after spraying my hairy red swollen pit with some sort of freezing spray and talked about how her daughter had used the same spray when on holiday as she squeezed out the red smeared clotted stinking green sludge. My eyes watered. She said she had never seen one so big. So this time I went for the...

Back in my urine soaked buckled office chair. I didn't pee on it, my son did several times. Cbeebies games much more involving than body functions I can understand that. Its just that this room is my bedroom, it's carpeted. It has study area and is quiet beautiful underneath all the books, scribled on paper, toys and all the other human crap. No actual poop today though. Living room is truly spiffy, its worth the pain, even if that washing thats been out for two days gets rained on tonight, its not a big deal. Tomorrow is penny day and as supplies are very low we will be going out early. He's eaten all the apples and the dairylea, he's got megamind on now. Wasn't in the mood to tell anyone on match.com they have lovely eyes. No reply from Zep hope my style of flirting hasnt scared him of. poof. Shame, his eyes are very involving..