..dear reader..

I think I might give the blog a rest for a while, I need to take a step back to figure out where I want to take this.  I need to focus on integrating, getting fitter and therapy.  I need to figure out what I want to do here. We are about to start spending some time talking about current thinking on DID so I also need to start trying think of ways to articulate what I mean when I use the term 'mind control'.  I've given her an outline of where I'm at regarding abuse growing up during the eighties and explained a bit working back from contacting her last year but there's a big chunk called the 90s that I'm not remotely ready to think chat or write about.  Ian Watkin's arrest has started that process off, in terms of me remembering who I am anyway and hopefully in uncovering the networks.  Savile's death and the scandals afterwards have made it possible to fill in some of the long term every day blanks in my memory without some...

Very draining fortnight, the statement last week, three sessions this week and next week its my 'birthday' next week. As usual I can't bear the thought of the birthday.  It's my Halloween.  At least at Christmas there's lights, decorations and chocolate everywhere.   There's been a shit load of tears and there is probably going to be a shit load more.  My supplies haven't been supplied and the poor lanky female in the cupboard whose due in about 10 ten days has lost a few lower limbs and was far from over ever endowed before.  My god, I forgot how good home grown bud can taste, even when its well immature and fresh out the oven.  Must leave the rest.. The psychiatrist wanted a nurse to be present while he takes a history.  He's quite open about the fact that he's 'working in the dark', as he puts it.  He seems to think that if he reads my file more and looks into things he's going to figure out what ever is going o...

Txted my pal this morning to find out my chances of getting any weed today, she said probably not today but soon. Today is the anniversary of a still birth for the couple she gets it from.  This was enough to set me off, crying loud enough and long enough for wee man to hear and come in the room to ask why I was sad, why I was crying.  Still birth? In a hospital, with medical attention, the support of a long term partner/family/friends, a burial, a name, a date without being concussed, drugged or hit with enough mind control so you forget the specifics, feelings never go though.   Flowers, hugs, sympathetic GPs.  I don't think many of mine born after 22 weeks or so were still, to begin with anyway.  Why the little fuckers would hold onto life so hard I'll never know anymore than I know why I held on to life when I could of so easily just of let go.  Except of course to piss people off.  It was the thought of exposing my family one ...

Sent this to to Jimmy, https://renegadesblog.wordpress.com/2013/01/27/the-devil-inside/ . He spent time in North Wales Care homes and refuses to keep his big gob closed on this and lots of other matters.  I've re-posted it here, then I'm going go back to it later and try and fill in. 'I'm not sure when I met him for the first time.  I remember a man who I think was Savile sticking his tongue in my mouth when I was a toddler and a group of men in suits laughed about it.  After that I taken to various places by various rings and was introduced to someone who definitely was Savile and was told not to let on I had met him before.  I cant remember him being part of anything definitely ritualistic until after we moved out to the country when I was four but I have a strong sense of ritualised abuse becoming very normal to me very early.  'I' wasn't hurt much during rituals before we moved, I was told they were 'just pretend' and ...

There is a few typos left and its bit clumsy at times, especially towards the end, I have resisted the urge to fix them. Behold below! My letter to the investigations...  As a survivor of networks in which Savile played a very significant role I have found and still find it difficult to remember, articulate and find the right person to talk to about this.  There is a lack of witnesses and victims coming forward and a lack of training in the police when it comes to taking claims of extreme organised abuse seriously.  I am sending this letter to institutions who have ongoing investigations into Jimmy Savile to request that those involved keep an open mind in regards to the possibility of abusive networks that may have included the day to day staff in institutions from various roles and professions.   I am aware that the recent Yew Tree report stated that 'offences were normally, opportunistic' (7.11,p.12) but I hope the...

Before we broke off I said to my therapist that I wanted to continue giving a brief overview of my teen years but I think we will be going back to talk about the eighties. Its not images and sensations connected to the sexual abuse by my Scottish dad that flood every time I feel even remotely connected to my own sexuality.  Its all about Savile now.  I came round and remembered various times through out the years. Every time I would notice how much older his body was and how closely I had seen it age, how much my body knew him, it felt like big chunks of me had been cleaved of. He was one of those that it didn't matter how much I did or didn't fight, who I did or didn't tell I would still myself being raped by them and them with the same void in their eyes.  The flashbacks from previous traumas would be so common and so intense sometimes I didn't know when I was remembering something that...

I feel that people need to take a step back from the whole black and white thing when it comes to Satanic & Ritual Abuse.  What we are trying to expose here involves activities so evil that it happened beyond the scope of human memory processing abilities and so insidious that is corrupts everything and everyone it came across.  Feel the anger, express it. Please do not believe that 'justice' can be resolved with quick fixes or long term investigations that bring very little in the way of real consequences for those who gained the most or improved opportunities  for victims to find safety and healing. After all what we are taking about here is people being routinely and expertly forced to do things that were totally against their conscience and everything they held true.  Then to do these under order or suggestion and then out of preference. I am not saying all pedophiles are victims to, or that there is any circums...

  Haut de la Garenne on the telly again, not for Bergerac though this time.  On my knees in front of the BBC, new carpet but and a crawling drooly infant. I felt my hand still gripped rock hard until I opened it and saw those bloody broken roots in my small palm, dark dampness and a violent face. They didn’t dig up much, just words scrawled in cellar, a concrete bath, ashes in an improvised fireplace and lots of teeth. Your not a bad boy. But you left more in the damp earth, concrete pits, lakes and spreadsheets we screamed in. Something still burning when those that ate the evidence are getting promoted and buying bigger houses. Something permanent and recoverable in the meticulously crafted torture tools, tarpaulins and fallacies of ritual abuse: the dark energy of the human sciences. Definitions: exclude human foot soup or marinating foetuses minorities and neighbours crushed under crosses and put through the mincer.

One of those big spinney kicks I think people call them round house.  I came back just as my foot is about to connect. I'm in my 'normal' Scotland clothes; jeans, a Tshirts and the boots that I wore to school.  The men in suits and rich clothes siting around the edges of the room are laughing.  They know I have come round.  They know I was aware, that I had seen what I had just done.  The kid was already injured, bloodied.  I don't know if it was me that did that.  I have the echo of one of their instructive voices in my head but I don't what he said.  The knowledge came like it was supposed to, input processed, assessment reached; fractured skull, broken neck.  This four year cute blond boy wasn't going to scream in agony or have his hopes purposely raised to be destroyed again.  He was nobodies' toy now.  It was his face that helped a lot to keep me floored d...

Hmmm. Tried not to get too down hearted about it.  He's such an easy target.  The sort of common or garden paedophile that took up the lower levels.  They were looked down on by most ranks.  This meant they were exploited, bullied, blackmailed, humiliated and abused to an extent I found it hard not to feel sorry for them.  I argued about it with a friend in the mid eighties, she hated them all equally.  I felt that at least the ones that had sex with kids because they found it irresistible tended to talk to you more and were more likely to be a bit nicer to you.  The other ones, people with more clean cut, family man, respectable type public roles had to take drugs, watch films and be raped themselves to have sex with a child.  It was a means to an end.  Many rings had ideologies built on some sort of belief that by going against every social and humanistic instincts a human had brought about liberation and would eventually ...

Not all at once of course.  I need to figure out as much as I can as part of the mourning process, to figure out who I am, to figure out where I want to go.  Talking about Savile, Jersey, ritual abuse and all the rest is me looking after myself and those I love.  It will not take over my life though I will take my time put my health first.  I cant keep hiding from the names and faces that lurk behind my eyes, forcing them into the pitch black, no words zone.  I will say whatever I say and write whatever I write.  Stop thinking so much and be more.  Getting back in touch with the truth isn't something I only do when there is some shit in the media it is a constant long term process.  I will hope that others come forward and accept it when I feel like I need them but remember the reason I remember, the reason I talk is for me.  I have nothing to prove to anyone but I would like to be part of something which expo...

There has been some rain this week drenching the outside of my windows as watched TV under a blanket or was wrapped in cotton in bed in the dark.  The light has bee tremedous.  Something in its angle or nature that goes right through people and wakes something primitive and positive, something cosmic.  Alexander McColl Smith, watching the search for a lost girl.  Whats the point of dredging rivers if there is any chance the kid is still alive, shouldn't they be knocking on and kicking down doors, pressing the snouts On Monday I had an appointment with my GP.  Stronger painkillers prescribed, a brief discussion about the vaginal scan I put off because of pain and fear.  The flu jab, I mentioned pulling my medical records.  The records of a fictional character, the legal front to a life undocumentable.  Tuesday is dramatherapy day, every session getting more emotional.  Making body sculpts for the last week.  I place someone as m...