..dear reader..

I think it was my child therapist who first described DID to me when I was about 14/15.  When she talked about the chronic depression of the Apparently Normal Personalities becomes they are so disconnected from the Emotional Personalities, from the body, from everything my eyes must of lit up and jaw dropped.  It was truth, bloody truth.  From the NHS!  From another human being! Not in a setting that was very. very wrong!  To me! Whatever ANP was there to hear that has been behind a lot of the parts since then are recognisable as me.  It was an exit sign, I couldn't always see it or know if it was possible head in its direction but I'd still seen it, it existed.  She never gave it as a formal diagnosis, she wasn't sure that police getting involved in whatever was going on at home would help, she didn't have any confidence in her colleagues in psychiatry either. The other day my current therapist talked in terms of being David a...

Last night I thought about attempting a coherent, well structured satanic shrinks piece but I can't be arsed.  I've been engaging on and off with NHS services for 20 years.  I talk about incest and am questioned about my sexual fantasies and relationships regardless of how old I am.  Before he left the Psychiatrist who gave me the Persistent Delusional Disorder diagnosis 3 years ago said he wasn't as confident in it as he was but because I said cannabis use made by memories clearer, easier to manage he wouldn't change the diagnosis.  I asked him if there was lots of research about cannabis and DID and if there was had he read it, he shrugged, looked away.  He said he if was true there was no way I could of gotten out which helped me understand how I got out, they just cant see me..  His English was good but his accent is strong, like me I guess and sometimes I wan't sure if he wasn't answering a question because he didn't...

Quotes from report for ESA appeal.. "There is identity confusion even involving her sexuality as she reports her first voluntary relationship in her teenage years was with another girl and this was sexual" "She always gives an elaborate and sometimes complicated past history of alleged sexual abuse with some disturbing details but typically does not appear disturbed or distressed whatsoever and has told me that the reason is because she has repeated the stories over and over several times, and used to it at this stage. "Diagnosis - 1. Emotionally Unstable Personality Disorder which among other symptoms explains her possible variable mood, history of deliberate self-harming behavior, chronic feeling of emptiness, identity disturbance and possible dissociative like state particularly under stress. 2. She had also attached in her notes a diagnosis of Persistent Delusional Disorder due to the non-bizarre nature of the alleged strings of sexual abuse which altho...

Very draining fortnight, the statement last week, three sessions this week and next week its my 'birthday' next week. As usual I can't bear the thought of the birthday.  It's my Halloween.  At least at Christmas there's lights, decorations and chocolate everywhere.   There's been a shit load of tears and there is probably going to be a shit load more.  My supplies haven't been supplied and the poor lanky female in the cupboard whose due in about 10 ten days has lost a few lower limbs and was far from over ever endowed before.  My god, I forgot how good home grown bud can taste, even when its well immature and fresh out the oven.  Must leave the rest.. The psychiatrist wanted a nurse to be present while he takes a history.  He's quite open about the fact that he's 'working in the dark', as he puts it.  He seems to think that if he reads my file more and looks into things he's going to figure out what ever is going o...

Wish my psychiatrist knew a bit more about Ritualic and Satanic Abuse. I was talking about nightmares and how May the 1st was an important day in the calender and she asked me if I was a practising Satanist (because people have the right to practise whatever they choose).  The look on my face answered her question.  I started talking about how I have heard there is 'satanists' who aren't into killing babies and eating shit but I trailed of and said I believed in healing and would like to get more into  meditation.  I said that I didn't know what my parents believed during the abuse in terms of their alters/drugged up/disassociated states or whatever but outside of it they're both staunch atheists.  I've always found it a bit stifling.  Sure a share a healthy disrespect for organised religions but to rule out all spiritualism, all sense of being part of something bigger, of a connection and wonder in regards to everything and everyone, not for me....

quite a long reply. I've been chatting with Zep but he's rubbish. Very limited notion of 'flirt' think he expects me to keep telling him stuff when he doesn't give much back. Don't think so. He's from Motherwell anyway. Get the feeling he is looking for ass to take out all the frustrations from his last relationship on. Not mine. Very handsome is writing longish interesting emails. He's a bit of a poet to even though he has a masters in business managment. Very interesting, educated thoughtful banter. He uses mock classical thous and shit sometimes which would probably make any one but me cring to point of vomiting, just makes me feel warm and fuzzy. 1 Easter egg down, should I break open number 2. It's probably going to happen. It's not than unreasonable to exptect support from support services that doesn't make you feel worse. Every second I spend talking to people whoes job involves making judgments about me and who disag...

Well the resiridone might make me eat more but at least I can keep my eyes open after taking it. Tried the new one today, no frisbee, no parks, just the boy pooping his pants at my computer and me asleep in front of the telly. bollox. Bastard doctors. Reading the leaflet scares the crap out of me. I remember heart problems and seizures that arn't in my medical records and wont be taken into consideration when meds are given. I'm not sure what to do tomorrow, supposed to take 2 at night and 2 in the morning. Theres no way I'm taken 2 in daytime but I need to leave it a couple of days at least to make sure I've given them the a go. I've got an essay due on friday, bollox. Wish gp would give me a hand remembering when I need refills to! I suppose I have to show I can manage stuff like that. Don't even have the energy to write back to my lovely eyes.