..dear reader..

Over the years he took over how I was treated by other groups.  Taking away any ritualism that wasn't completely abusive.  If they refused Savile turned against them, there was some mixed feelings at seeing men who considerable themselves untouchable being treated in the same way that they had treated me.  Savile wasn't too interested in discussing nuances of Satanic theory.  He had no time for any 'genuinely religious' Satanism, he explained to the leaders how to simplify things and then demonstrated on me and others.  Harm for the sake of it which was 'real' Satanism as far as I was concerned, all that bookishness and dead languages missed the point because it didn't cause enough harm.  Of course anything that went on that didn't directly hurt me was to be cherished and he took a lot of it away from. I looked forward to the time when Savile would introduced himself to and infiltrate the groups and bloodlines that were big on se...

Sent this to to Jimmy, https://renegadesblog.wordpress.com/2013/01/27/the-devil-inside/ . He spent time in North Wales Care homes and refuses to keep his big gob closed on this and lots of other matters.  I've re-posted it here, then I'm going go back to it later and try and fill in. 'I'm not sure when I met him for the first time.  I remember a man who I think was Savile sticking his tongue in my mouth when I was a toddler and a group of men in suits laughed about it.  After that I taken to various places by various rings and was introduced to someone who definitely was Savile and was told not to let on I had met him before.  I cant remember him being part of anything definitely ritualistic until after we moved out to the country when I was four but I have a strong sense of ritualised abuse becoming very normal to me very early.  'I' wasn't hurt much during rituals before we moved, I was told they were 'just pretend' and ...

Pretty hard to prove historic sex abuse, pretty hard to prove sexual abuse that happened 20 minutes ago.  Your word against theirs and abusers have a sixth sense for the vulnerable.  They know people don't want to know, don't want to believe, would rather accept things 'the way they are'. There was plenty witnesses to many things that happened in Partick from November 2004 to March 2005.  Most of them have criminal records and already have complex relationships with the police.  My mate kept calling me a Brit coz he saw me talking to Blair.  This pissed me off considerably as he had also seen me talking to IRA members.  Not that I think blowing up civilians achieves fuck all but I've spent my live trying to escape the clutches of British institutions.  There was stuff in the press about me around then I think, I could never see it.  Definitely a few occasions where there was heaps of journos outside the bar. ...

I started by emailing the NSPCC.  The media was saying people should contact with them or their local police.  I didn't want to call the local police although I do have the name of someone I talked to when I first moved here and a social worker who I also discussed things with.  I was told it was being investigated but they were very busy I have hear nothing since.  My therapist that is destructive for me.  They forwarded what I sent to the Met.  Felt great when I saw .met in my inbox, from an actual police person, with their own email address and a direct dial to Operation Yew Tree.  I sent of my details and waited. Last Thursday I was riddled with it all and anxious about the transvaginal the following day so I phoned and asked for the some officer.  Half an hour later I got the call back.  I repeated much of the stuff I have said to Woman's Aid workers and whoever Woman's Aid workers had wanted me to repeat it to.  She wa...

'You mentioned something about birthdays being difficult for you, and it brought to mind what I've heard about Satanism.' My body sagged as every muscle in my body relaxed. The massive anxious crippiling weight on my brain lifted. It was like the sun coming out. I stared at her, my eyes all big and non-scary, the breath all gently left my lungs. Then I looked down at my fingers as I fidgeted with them. 'Well, I think so. Judying by all the big wooden crosses, backwards talking and stuff. Theres lots of talking. I don't know what its all about but its like a huge dark patch in my head. When I think about it, it isn't just orders, do this, do that. There's loads of it'. She was quiet and covered her hand with her mouth, leaning her head to the side, blinking. 'It's why I come here'. 'I'm not going to remember this.' It hit me hard and I recoiled into weeping. Grammer, spelling, punctuation, tone and style changes...

In the late 80's early 90's whenever I saw Saddam Hussein or Gaddafi on TV my first thought was always, I know him, he can't be that bad he was nice to me'. I remember big round tables with Baath party members, rape and torture from their sons, gold taps and serious levels of opulence. The casual disregard for life that I was already familiar with although it wasn't used to it being so public and in the open. Bloody hell I would think if this is what they are 'publicly' what the fuck is the Satanism going to be like? There generally wasn't any. In my memory the responses of middle eastern dictators to ritual abuse was extremely refreshing, they weren't fazed much. They thought it was all fucking mental, Gaddafi, Saddam, indignant in response to the inhumanity, the basic anti social nature of Satanism. I had to laugh. They reminded me of my Scottish Grandads sometimes. Of course the vast majority of contact was over the phone and you never r...

I want to go through my notebooks sometimes slashing line breaks and impaling full stops all over the place. Deleting, embellishing, cleaning up. With the old cliqued witch Virginia Woolf at my shoulder, smouldering away in her Victorian clobber. Vanishing if I dared turn my face from my writing habit. It's different now though there is Twitter, and an Arab spring that no matter what the summer brings has unleashed feelings and thoughts that violence cant bottle up again. I wish I could write pulp or proper academic standard literature, consistently. I am moving away from just aiming to rock the tiny minds of people with instrumental poetry about lost babies. I will always to do that but I also want to share the other stories. Amazing stories, in stunning dramatic settings, with compelling people and triumph over severe adversity. Now I am in a position to build, to invest, to grow I can separate the language I use from what happened whilst admitting how much of an in...