..dear reader..

Very draining fortnight, the statement last week, three sessions this week and next week its my 'birthday' next week. As usual I can't bear the thought of the birthday.  It's my Halloween.  At least at Christmas there's lights, decorations and chocolate everywhere.   There's been a shit load of tears and there is probably going to be a shit load more.  My supplies haven't been supplied and the poor lanky female in the cupboard whose due in about 10 ten days has lost a few lower limbs and was far from over ever endowed before.  My god, I forgot how good home grown bud can taste, even when its well immature and fresh out the oven.  Must leave the rest.. The psychiatrist wanted a nurse to be present while he takes a history.  He's quite open about the fact that he's 'working in the dark', as he puts it.  He seems to think that if he reads my file more and looks into things he's going to figure out what ever is going o...

I've been thinking a lot about studying drama and acting. Thinking about the practicalities. I feel quite lucky at the moment. I have a supportive GP, a psychiatrist and two forms of therapy. Sounds like a lot, putting it like that. Lots of people to write letters. Sounds good. Difficult but great choices to choose from. College (if they let me have time out for therapy) or put the college off til next year and do other stuff. There is an art class for mental health service users. I'd love to do it. But it clashes with drama. I feel like I should be carrying pomp poms and be all skinny. I have been enjoying my Glee recently. Skipped the Michael Jackson one but watched the Latin one and the Valentines day one. All extreme musical related cringing is cancelled out by all the gay people and the dancing. And boyish Britney. I feel so naughty watching it but it helps resolve many body issues I have ;) Have to admit I love the time to myself. I really, lurve...

New dramatherapist is lovely, the first was good but this one maybe has a wee bit more feistiness about her. I'm a good bit further on of course as well though. The reading I've been doing, and just that bit longer living on my own and feeling more or less safe. We talked about Little Me and I picked a furry animal with big eyes to represent her and put her in the sand box. I choose others to, an eagle for angry me, a ram for obvious sheep/lamb related reasons, a Russian dole for party girl and a dolphin for harmony me. I was worried the eagle might eat the sheep. She talked about individual dramatherapy and I am quite tempted but we need the group stuff as well, its a laugh, I like the other group members, its extremely good for me to be around people and feel safe. I could see people coming out in individual therapy in ways that wouldn't happen in groups though. She suggested individual sessions for when I wasn't up for group, a very good idea, I think wee migh...

Had a fantastic laugh out loud dream last night. I was reading Triumph over Darkness by Wendy Ann Wood in bed, its very simply written and maybe that helps the messages of hope and healing get through. Anyway in the dream I was very drunk and very happy, falling over, getting lost, dancing with other weirdos in weird jerky styles. I didn't feel like a weirdo though and they didn't look like weirdos either just people, experienced people dancing and letting off steam. I ended up in Cardiff, where I snogged a the member of a boy band and got a lift home in a a big black flash truck-car. On the way to the car I passed a stretch limo it had something on the roof, I'm not sure what if was - a piano or something and I remember looking at it and saying 'tasteful' and who ever I was with laughing with me. At one point in Cardiff I wondered off down this narrow street of white houses and realised I was alone, but all I had to do was say 'stereophonics' in a We...

I looked it up late last night, courses starting new. Voice projection and audition preperation. What the Doctor said really stuck in my mind, 'Your still young enough to do anything you want to do'. That and the women in a shop who spent 10 mins telling me how young I looked for my age. Folks who went nowhere near as I did carry a lot more scaring. I'm lucky. Looked at Humanities postgrad as well, would love to do that at some point. But I need to look further for my healing than books and hiding. Acting out could be exactly what I need. In dramatherapy we did work on how it feels to be in the spotlight. I was dieing to burst out 'I love being in the spot light, as long as I'm okay and I know what I'm doing there its fantastic!' I felt like I should be able to give examples and I couldn't. I felt like a freak - but in a good way. The college isn't that far but its 2 bus journeys and is full time. It's the only thing at the momen...

in drama therapy today. I drew us fighting in beautiful countryside when we had to come up with two characters in conflict. I drew it in pastels, so every week we had to go back an use out pictures my hands and jeans get covered in green and blue. I wanted to have them calling each other names like we used to do. She was older and better at it. I called her 'pig' she's call me 'cow', I'd say 'tart', she'd say 'whore' etc. I couldn't do it though and kept it to myself. I hated remembering the constant yearning in me to understand why, wandering about that Glen alone and trying to figure it out, I think I was 7. Today I played the part of the character based on middle sis while young dude asked the questions I wrote for her. My questions were all based on asking her why she hurt me. My answers were short just whatever came into mind. Then everyone else could ask my character questions to the group 'teacher' had lots. A...