..dear reader..

made the trip over the river yesterday, very successful but very expensive.. very glad. Getting the free bus travel that we are entitled to would be worth it - will be very uncomfortable making appointment, and getting through whatever and whoever is triggered in the appointment which will probs only last minutes. But the potential that could do our heid as someone whose travelling us mostly been very controlled and on someone else's itinerary .. to have free travel. Think about what means..  Drop kids of at school on a day when mum is up for picking them up and keeping ours over night.. Scotlands our oyster .. yikes ..  Tricky. Of course. Would it be self abuse, is it active processing? we have always had big strong sense that the talking was essential but so is other stuff, creative, occupation stuff would be equally essential. We still break at what we got a taste of but was denied with the Drama. Such a stigmatising word 'inappropriate' and the whole 'your poor ...

Gonna have to just regularly plan to not have the sonshine around after therapy. Its always been an issue, the exhaustion afterwards but now there is the extra travelling and the extra work.  Its always tricky trying to find words to describe what its is like in this DID system but at the moment our day to day consciousness is not what it was. This voice is painful difficult to use, forced of course because our usual voice does not speak for us, its under orders and often comes from a place of abject terror.  We are even less anchored to a false and manipulated consciousness, passed a point of no return - ditch the road metaphor this a jungle. We have been playing Skyrim, still. Its helping parts that want nothing to do with conversations, human interaction and everyday life. Everyone is starved of so much normal world development stuff and human needs its impossible to recognise them all. We are headed towards somewhere we cant imagine and its difficult to rest when everyt...

We worry sometimes that we will get in touch with too much too quickly and get stuck as a part that can't look after it's self or junior. The pain could take us to a place we can't get back from. Much more likely when the visitors with all torture skills, experiments and paraphanalia was regular and some of us worried about that a lot. We thought it had happened sometimes but of course some kind of walking talking state always returned for more of the same but with a little less hope. It seemed such an unnatural thing for a body to do itself to return to a conscious state knowing it would just endure much more. Anything you like but try not to bruise hur face. Sometimes they were allowed to and suprisingly some of the indivuduals, couples or groups I was sold to didnt care about the rules or respect the seller.. We don't get it. We never will. How can you enjoy pain? It's just fucked up. Sometimes they would ask each other to do some of the things that was being don...

It does get easier and starts to feel a little less ongoing, a bit less unmanageable the more we start to is share it with ourselves and other people.  Intentionally letting something excruciating return instead of pushing it away, knowing that what happened to cause that pain was not momentary or a one off or accidental but is actually hours and those hours connected to weeks and years of deliberately and carefully planned torture, exploitation and damage. Violent abortions and other extreme horriblenessess are not exactly something that is exactly discussed much but we know ritual abuse survivors talk about it. No idea if the nature of the violence used by traffickers is part of any of the ongoing awareness discussions because we avoid all it because of very strong triggers.. the mainstream media the focus on violence is politicised as always anyway. Brown men traffic white men occasionally share and of course the mutilation of girls genitalia needs to never be tolerated but whe...

We we have the same right for the violence we experienced to be exposed, investigated and subject to the same due process we believe everyone anyone else is entitled to. Those words might seem obvious but they were just as hard to type as the most agonising of words we published last night. Think we should of drafted that more?  We decided not to push it. Its not going anywhere it will still of all happened tomorrow and the next day. It will still be in our head and in our flesh. Besides, its better to wait a while until it becomes easier to deal with when we have gotten more used to it all being an increasingly exposed parts of our head furniture. There increased communication between parts and the revealing of the past, the unravelling of the denial and more detailed body memories and everything else that comes with being in parts that talk to each is not temporary. There are still plenty of blanks of course but we know a bit more about what went on during those times and t...

Really really happy with them and extremely happy to be in a place to do them and to remember doing them and to keep and show them.. Super shrink has given us plasticine, straws and cocktail sticks so we can make 3D models. Haven't done any yet but we probably will quite soon and we have lots of strong ideas about where to start..  Lots of moving around in our system, which is good a real sense if becoming more myself and confidence that I know how to become myself, ourselves and do what we need to do. It's exhausting though, the pain at times is so hard to bare and the knowledge and memory of the physical experiences gets us dangerously close to full on awful flashbacks. But we ground our selves, stop trying so hard to run from it and remember all the progress already made.  

Tuesday next week is that lastest that the implant will be removed. Possibly Friday but it's always a nightmare to get through at 8 for their same day appointments.  🍏 All that stuff about the pain being something that they could control is rising up as you would expect really.  Roach seemed to be involved in a fair bit of what we are being shown at the moment. Stuff from the mid ninties he was the guy that had the training, something deep and vaginal that stopped the pain being chronic.  I don't know how or even he was triggering a DID switch or something that had a physical result that stopped the contractions or irritation.  More from the preschool years to..same pain. And the late nighties  and zeros when all the rapists and traffickers had learned whatever ever it was that starts of these contractions as well as the positions/angles that made it worse.  🐆 Roache's pain stopping/trigger internal procedure stopped working.  🐊 We covered some of t...

For the non tweeters... We did already know this but if pain, trauma, stress are stored in the muscles and the muscles are massaged... She worked on our legs yesterday for a bit it wasn't easy. We trust the determined parts but they can be as wrong as anyone else sometimes.  The more we accept the more light is shown on hurt parts and their past...

'Cheapness of life' is the theme for tomorrows therapy session.  We didn't feel quite so isolated and undermined  last session when she tried to suggest a murder we had described wasn't real.  We have sall gone through periods of not believing it was ever real, some of us still do.  We are not as worried as we have been about how difficult it will be for her to put down the books and the reading enough to see me and all that we are.  We sent her the Exaro link and are getting the impression from the emails between us since that its maybe is starting to dawn.  Hopefully. There are plenty that aren't going to even think about waking up or reaching out if their experiences growing up in a culture where death and violent death is mundane isn't established as a shared truth. The floor in her office was inviting for the first time last week.  There was a wee toy down there.  The floor though. I can see it really easily, take boots/shoes of and get do...

Winter Fest was pretty lovely.  There's no getting away from the improvement in general base levels of depression, anxiety, feeling controlled and terror at intrusive memories for the moment anyway.. Lots of chuffedness at the presents we got ourselves and the old privileged parts who usually turn up at the end/beginnings of years were quite impressed with everything, but they are generally very happy anyway to be away from the privilege and from being part of determining injustice, current life is like a big ethical glamping commune for them.  At the other end of the scale things a much better too, benefits are ok and we are not paying the credit debt so the "having nothing = being nothing" feelings are triggered less.  Much more able to ask the friend whose not a big spender himself to bail us out instead of excepting suffering as 'what your here for'.  Hogmany, like Christmas day was just us and junior, like it should of been last year but was too worried the ...

By christ its been awful.  Poor beautiful 12.  Not as awful as it was when it was ongoing but still seriously awful.  Those bastards emaciated me and loads of people were involved, loads knew something or enough. They hurt bairns, outside bairns and not just mine, hurt them a lot and no one I told was able or willing to do enough to stop it.  Its probably been about a year since that particular system of seriously traumatised trafficked parts came forward so completely and so devastatingly and for so long.  Last time we had only just started seeing therapist and were pretty mute then too relieved when they went away again to want to trigger them back by talking about it much.  Surely next time its not gonna hit so hard we have all done a lot of work.  Basically gone from having words like 'DID' 'Rape' and horrible pictures floating around a mind that had little awareness of what it was to drawing system  maps.  Its been said before but it ca...

We've been neglecting you Daff.  We've also stopped watching the news and have been reading for pleasure.  Twitter is only really being accessed as a reminder that there are people out there working for truth. Now Summer is here now though. Real Summer. There's a lot going on internally as always but needs are being met and that can take a while to get used.  The walking wounded are all standing around bewildered and unsure how wounded they actually are.  Doors are starting to be left open and some are starting to notice. There is also much less of a sense that our existence needs to be known about, to be proved or it doesn't count and isn't 'real'.  We have somewhere to talk now so the issues feel so much less pressing.  Since we last posted there was a couple of drama therapy sessions, fairly regular talking therapy, another half hour session of finding out more about the inner life of my psychiatrist, the implantation of a sex hormone manipulating devic...

The current diagnosis from Super Shrink, we like much better than the 'Persistent Delusional Disorder' from the bloke who had spoken to us for half an hour and hadn't read any notes.         ...chronic history of childhood neglect, child and adult physical and sexual abuse, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Anxiety Disorder, Personality Disorder, Attachment Disorder and Dissociative Identity Disorder manifest from early childhood experiences. Prior psychotherapy and medication appear to have encouraged little resistance to these issues.  This is reflective of the chronic nature of the sexual and physical abuse experienced by *** has a formal diagnosis [from NHS psychiatrist, she's a psychologist] of Emotionally Unstable Personality.  This is an enduring patter of inner experiences and behaviors that markedly deviate from the expectations of the individual's culture. [man that is so loaded! Suspect that a small amount of reading into "personality diso...

Felt the progress in therapy this week.  More of the teenage girls have come forward, that know love, friendship,  fun and were musicians, dancers who needed and worked hard for their art.  I hear and see them see them singing and playing almost constantly, awesome.  Some spent enough time in the states to become functioning conscious ANP's who knew we would all be heading back to Scotland sooner or later and usually via some English and/or European rings aiming to make a lot of money fast over a few days and were going to work and sell me to get it.  You know it works with sexual abuse, porn and anything else for that matter if you start to get into something.  It was always getting worse. Sometimes I'd arrange to avoid all that by going back before being picked up from where ever it was that I was starting to think of us as home by a group of government drugged, raped and mind control enforcement agents.  That would leave ...

First post from my bed on the budget tablet so we will see how it goes. Tunes are essential sometimes aren't they? I can't always here music properly. Then something allow happen and start being able appreciate all the different parts. Gotta be repeated though - wtf. So apparently its wine night again. I'd rather it wasn't though. There was a fair amount of over indulgence in booze and food last night. May holiday has put money in early so that's a relief. There's weed here to so we were not depressed as well. Could do with another parent. Or 20. There was so much acting, role play, scripts and sets going on that I can't see going back to that would be a good idea, especially at this point in the healing journey. Animation though. I feel out enough, l know enough to know how good we've got it. I remember enough to know I live a life have dreamed about and thought could never happen. The tit for tat. It's outside anyone's control. ...

We were doing work on the naked truth - short story she called it.  Story asks the naked truth why she is crying, she says people keep inviting her in then kick her out again, Story says she needs to be dressed in order to be accepted, so her light doesn't blind them and so they have time to except her pain without being overcome (our telling, not the drama therapist's).  It used to bounce about the brain a lot as a child, very timely to come back to it now. That psych apparently mentioned, 'False Memory Syndrome' to my DID therapist.  Nice rigorous empirical approach then...  She has sent him some material.  I'm wary of these psych investigations that he's got lined up but I've already got the safe place and started the treatment for the disassociations and all the different parts so there is no desperate need to be begging NHS mental health services for help, takes the pressure off a bit.  Like abusers and dodgy police th...

I feel like I should write something.  Its not easy for me to engage in anything, probably because there isn't really such as thing as 'me', there is just programmed personalities, victim mentalities and a sense that sharing is essential if I'm ever to escape the constant depression and the belief that the truth is irrelevant.  Had an appointment with the psych today without the psychiatric nurse that openly scoffs at my disclouser of abuse by djs involved in child pornography.  When that same nurse walked into the room in refuge the first time, I was a bit sickened, nothing specific memory wise, just the knowledge that her face was very familiar.  I lived in this same town as a child for a little while, my parents went to Uni here so I'm not assuming anything, I can't when whoever knows her is saying nothing but I wasn't remotely surprised by her reactions. Anyway, pysch has referred me for an EEG (could be wrong initials there) and to some kind...

Spring ANPs waking today.  Girls that came from good homes, that laugh easier and freer who developed their understanding of themselves outside of abuse, who were loved when they little.  I will never be comfortable using the term 'Apparently Normal Personalities' in regards to anything that is me but its what we working with at the moment and it has a ring to it. ANPs are the parts that manage the day to day running of things.  For me that has to include who deals with the constant flashbacks of horror and disturbing associations in every day objects and activities.  I haven't read or reviewed any of the reading on ANPs and ritual abuse victims recently, I'm trying to work with my therapist mostly and notice who is around with us rather than delving in to other people's research.  Due to the holidays I have two weeks until there is any more appointments though, my brain will probably be pretty different by then anyway.  Sure its b...

I think it was my child therapist who first described DID to me when I was about 14/15.  When she talked about the chronic depression of the Apparently Normal Personalities becomes they are so disconnected from the Emotional Personalities, from the body, from everything my eyes must of lit up and jaw dropped.  It was truth, bloody truth.  From the NHS!  From another human being! Not in a setting that was very. very wrong!  To me! Whatever ANP was there to hear that has been behind a lot of the parts since then are recognisable as me.  It was an exit sign, I couldn't always see it or know if it was possible head in its direction but I'd still seen it, it existed.  She never gave it as a formal diagnosis, she wasn't sure that police getting involved in whatever was going on at home would help, she didn't have any confidence in her colleagues in psychiatry either. The other day my current therapist talked in terms of being David a...

Very draining fortnight, the statement last week, three sessions this week and next week its my 'birthday' next week. As usual I can't bear the thought of the birthday.  It's my Halloween.  At least at Christmas there's lights, decorations and chocolate everywhere.   There's been a shit load of tears and there is probably going to be a shit load more.  My supplies haven't been supplied and the poor lanky female in the cupboard whose due in about 10 ten days has lost a few lower limbs and was far from over ever endowed before.  My god, I forgot how good home grown bud can taste, even when its well immature and fresh out the oven.  Must leave the rest.. The psychiatrist wanted a nurse to be present while he takes a history.  He's quite open about the fact that he's 'working in the dark', as he puts it.  He seems to think that if he reads my file more and looks into things he's going to figure out what ever is going o...