..dear reader..

We worry sometimes that we will get in touch with too much too quickly and get stuck as a part that can't look after it's self or junior. The pain could take us to a place we can't get back from. Much more likely when the visitors with all torture skills, experiments and paraphanalia was regular and some of us worried about that a lot. We thought it had happened sometimes but of course some kind of walking talking state always returned for more of the same but with a little less hope. It seemed such an unnatural thing for a body to do itself to return to a conscious state knowing it would just endure much more. Anything you like but try not to bruise hur face. Sometimes they were allowed to and suprisingly some of the indivuduals, couples or groups I was sold to didnt care about the rules or respect the seller.. We don't get it. We never will. How can you enjoy pain? It's just fucked up. Sometimes they would ask each other to do some of the things that was being don...

We we have the same right for the violence we experienced to be exposed, investigated and subject to the same due process we believe everyone anyone else is entitled to. Those words might seem obvious but they were just as hard to type as the most agonising of words we published last night. Think we should of drafted that more?  We decided not to push it. Its not going anywhere it will still of all happened tomorrow and the next day. It will still be in our head and in our flesh. Besides, its better to wait a while until it becomes easier to deal with when we have gotten more used to it all being an increasingly exposed parts of our head furniture. There increased communication between parts and the revealing of the past, the unravelling of the denial and more detailed body memories and everything else that comes with being in parts that talk to each is not temporary. There are still plenty of blanks of course but we know a bit more about what went on during those times and t...

The chronic pain has always been very consciously connected to the kind of procedures that was used regularly for their experiments in dissociation and the value of the footage for the hard core proper sicko markets. But lots of the gangs and rings did similar stuff prefering and trying out different methods, orifices etc. Groups espicially but most individuals would get more extreme in terms of pain suffered, risks to by life with abusers becoming less and less able to show any empathy at any point. For many of them it seemed to us to be such literal woman hating, hating where you come from to abuse the womb in such ways by forcing things of increasingly size and/or variety inside then watching as whatever it was was pushed. It was rehearsed and done for show & profit. Used for punishment and to keep us in place or just cause abusers enjoyed it. There would be filming sometimes, the same kinds of extremes and dead walking porn producers and enforcers coming back year after year a...

For the non tweeters... We did already know this but if pain, trauma, stress are stored in the muscles and the muscles are massaged... She worked on our legs yesterday for a bit it wasn't easy. We trust the determined parts but they can be as wrong as anyone else sometimes.  The more we accept the more light is shown on hurt parts and their past...

http://the-tap.blogspot.co.uk/2014/02/robert-green-arrested-by-scottish.html Below is an ohmygodImdrowninghere email from yesterday to my MP that we have cut and pasted in. Have also forwarded it Green's MP. Drummond, Paterson et al - I might be mostly amnesiac but we will always know everything.  RIP Hollie. Writing to ask whether, as another abuser who told me they would get away with it gets away with it if you were given any kind of time frame as to if and when the police will be in touch.  Also to ask if you are aware of any other way to get my experiences of highly organised rings involved in violent abuse of children and adults taken seriously.  Uniformed and non uniformed officers were involved in the networks from early memories of being raped and assaulted by a group of police uniformed men as their radios went in off in the background in the family home in Glenrothes during the early 80s, to years of being taken across Britain with Savile and ot...

Winter Fest was pretty lovely.  There's no getting away from the improvement in general base levels of depression, anxiety, feeling controlled and terror at intrusive memories for the moment anyway.. Lots of chuffedness at the presents we got ourselves and the old privileged parts who usually turn up at the end/beginnings of years were quite impressed with everything, but they are generally very happy anyway to be away from the privilege and from being part of determining injustice, current life is like a big ethical glamping commune for them.  At the other end of the scale things a much better too, benefits are ok and we are not paying the credit debt so the "having nothing = being nothing" feelings are triggered less.  Much more able to ask the friend whose not a big spender himself to bail us out instead of excepting suffering as 'what your here for'.  Hogmany, like Christmas day was just us and junior, like it should of been last year but was too worried the ...