..dear reader..

I get jealous of the clarity in which other survivors write. They know what happened to them and how did it. No so many poeple want to talk about being handed about between hundreds of people over 20 years or so. And the the lights flickering as they took too much power and feeling nothing. I find sites but they're not current, guess I'm not looking hard enough. I would love just to speak to someone though, 'remember Jersey', 'remember all those castles' 'remember the antamoy lessons,' remember the philosophy, theology, diplomacy, weapons training and being sent to war zones'. I remember today being on the phone to someone from Thames house, I think, security services anyway. I said the rape just made me work harder. When it stops I see the sunshine, feel food in my belly and I don't want war. But with the rape, the manipulation of people I spent time with, the theft the murders made me need to dedicate myself to protecting myself and ev...

The drive is always there, people need to know that their governments were involved in thr ritual torture and the development of trailored programes of rape, humilation and truama of babies, children and adults in order to produce killing machines. Most people probably already have their indifferent suspicions about governments and organised crime networks. I think the fist time I heard about Mk Ultra was in a forest in the glen in the middle of the night. I think I was running from the incest, when someone from secret service sat me down and tried to explain it all. I didn't bother listening much, but I remember the trees against the sky when the moon wasn't covered with clouds and sitting on the pine needles in my pygamas. I hated nighties, rubbish for running away in. He was kind of distant, drugged probably, his words and eyes would drift of then come back like someone woke him up. The acutal words though, I think I keep them to my self because I know people are de...

Work on Psalm, before any furthering indoctrination into Western philosophy and hegenomic artistic criticism.. like if I'm going be here I may as well make a good job of torturing myself, its better that than leave it to others because they're just not as good as it as I am.. The old title is better, psalm espically given the remit of 'scared and proface'. Trevor Nelson's Soul Show, oh why oh why can't can't he put this show out everyday, now that would be theraputic. Of course it might not be accepted, it has a very good chance though, so it what I do for a while right poems about ritual abuse, novels about MK Ultra subjects. Not that big a step. 2nd year literature course first, then a 3rd year English language... and of course the philosophy is going well maybe I should give it a bit more of my soul to classify like well fingered letters in a sorting office.. Anywho.. least I can relax a bit more knowing I'm not losing interest.. Who needs ...

take is easy It's not like I have a choice in the matter and don't call me 'easy'. Why did you look so scared when we hugged goodbye? Did you think I was asking you to stay. Or did you think I would kill when I looked up into those stormy eyes with my head on your chest. Did I remind you how vunrable I was when they turned you into a tool. For all that its the Arab Spring like we talked about its time to come home. I can say 'MK Ultra' without getting woozey and Alice in Wonderland is entertaining and enjoyable. Take the kids if you like I'd like another new one to. Thank the meds and the nervous system that brought us back to me still breathing depression soup with the ghost knives twisting in my uterus that give the old withdrawl pain when I recognise my needs and wants. I saw Andrew and he sends his love eyes still down but not like before his furrows soften in pixelation instead of sharpened.