..dear reader..

Spring ANPs waking today.  Girls that came from good homes, that laugh easier and freer who developed their understanding of themselves outside of abuse, who were loved when they little.  I will never be comfortable using the term 'Apparently Normal Personalities' in regards to anything that is me but its what we working with at the moment and it has a ring to it. ANPs are the parts that manage the day to day running of things.  For me that has to include who deals with the constant flashbacks of horror and disturbing associations in every day objects and activities.  I haven't read or reviewed any of the reading on ANPs and ritual abuse victims recently, I'm trying to work with my therapist mostly and notice who is around with us rather than delving in to other people's research.  Due to the holidays I have two weeks until there is any more appointments though, my brain will probably be pretty different by then anyway.  Sure its b...

I've been struggling with the raw writing on survivor blogs. I'm jealous of their articulation skills course and part of me wants to find a criticism to justify not reading more. But there is so much love and acceptance out there I am angry at myself, as always for never being able to look on the bright side. Although I have no right I can be a right snob, when things dont meet whatever ideas I have about what constitutes art. All that time with eyes searching for an exit, a weakness in the system that would lead to another hell closer to the surface. I cant just sit back and think about the good things I have sit all tensed up thinking about the bad. But thats what rape can do, accepting the physical pleasure that sometimes happens along with the pain, disgust, terror, humiliation and sense of overwhelming injustice just feels impossible. I would make my self a million different people than do that. But it happens, especially if the rape is a regular thing and whoeve...