..dear reader..

I read myself back into the footsteps I refused to follow because it might do me good and that makes them right when they said ‘do as your told and everything will be fine’ but as long as its short I give it ago. The child is away so mother plays desperate for views desperate for trouble still flinching whenever anyone thinks my name. I am a survivor and I stand amongst the documents that prove that I was there and he was here but today they are confetti clogging the drains when it rains. I walk on the ground but it feels like wet paper.

for sending her an email about child sacrifice and my alcoholic father that was meant for someone. Well, its certainly an ice breaker, I don't need to worry about what she will think about it all.. I overuse disclosure as a way of testing strangers, not as bad as I used to but still have that urge. Especially in polite or formal situations. I start fantasting about talking about horrific injuries, who they treated children and the way it undermines everything that is upheld. Especially job interviews. Lots of communications from the man from match.com. Hence the mistaken email, christ the things I do when I have no spliffage, scares me heaps. I'm definitely telling him a lot more about me than he is about him, but that might not be a bad thing. We share a lot in outlook, my scared brain worries that its dangerous because when things are going well, problems come out the blue at me. I'm taking a break from studying after the philosophy exam. defo. In general I d...

Day of ouchies seriously brightened by being called a Satan worshipper on twitter. In not generally very secure, call me a whore, a slut, a lazy bitch or a junkie even bits of me flinch. Call me satan worshipper though and it all goes crystal clear. I'm good. I'm emphatic and its universal not in a way that is restricted to people that serve my interests. I have always gotten off on arguing with people who have restricted ideas about religion. Haven't had much opportunity for that recently but now I have twitter I am satisfied again. It's safe, controllable and I'm already losing my appetite for it. It's not particularly constructive telling people their beloved texts are ancient propaganda. I do feel like I know what I'm talking about though.

The drive is always there, people need to know that their governments were involved in thr ritual torture and the development of trailored programes of rape, humilation and truama of babies, children and adults in order to produce killing machines. Most people probably already have their indifferent suspicions about governments and organised crime networks. I think the fist time I heard about Mk Ultra was in a forest in the glen in the middle of the night. I think I was running from the incest, when someone from secret service sat me down and tried to explain it all. I didn't bother listening much, but I remember the trees against the sky when the moon wasn't covered with clouds and sitting on the pine needles in my pygamas. I hated nighties, rubbish for running away in. He was kind of distant, drugged probably, his words and eyes would drift of then come back like someone woke him up. The acutal words though, I think I keep them to my self because I know people are de...

I could help me strech my voice, little and often, keep chipping away one day you will wake up with a masterpiece... Or at least something approaching functional. Boyz asleep, got up at 4 and had a busy day, chances of him making it through the night slim, very slim but I should be free at least until I start feeling knackered, he'll get up then, bless 'em. Mas picking up her keys today, really glad their moving down here. It was totally obvious it didn't work for any of us up there. Sometimes you need to give up on changing yourself and just change your enviroment. It's much easier and will bring about some change. Working on another poetry compition entry, back to my instrumentalism. No news about song, could be a wee while yet, I want to see it in print sooo much. I wasn't expecting it with the first 3 but with this one it's different, it's long a later draft of the 100 line submission for course, they gave me a distinction. It's got the ...