..dear reader..

Have you ever leaned against a wall in camp site in Tuscany and watched the smile on Keith Moon gets to grips with a drum machine you designed and built for him while one of your dudes who really needs to get some calories in him attempts to eat his pasta. Mission impossible. Obviously. We gave him some space goo. We always ask for it to be around for ourself and others would have problems eating or cause their is just no fucking time. Taste like shit of course but your not going to pick something off a tree or through something together in a kitchen that gives you everything your body needs like that stuff. Have you ever played with him, Jimi Hendix and Prince at the same time? Can you turn out all the lights? Did you know the bad guys had the power to turn the lights out and still would if it wasn't for us? Ever sat in the shade watching loved ones you haven't seen in years go about crushed lives, watching them struggle to keep their body language subservient around ...

Don't wanna write. Don't fancy running over hot coals to try and find some TV distraction.  It's a shame we dont use that room more. Found the canvas picture that just needs its frame screwed together and we could pin it and get it hung. We are not going to be decorating the big room but hanging a picture of a line of zebras with multi coloured butts would definitely cheer the room up. I hate this. I know you we hate it but we wanted to tell you anyway. When the diazepam left our system the "this is your life forever" feelings just start clicking back into place. Its hardly a wonder drug, it didnt stop us weeping or wanting to weep before it knocked us out last night but today when we were walking Pabs home from school instead of everything he says triggering us to unmanageable levels we could just chat. It would be so nice to have that dose once a week or even every month. To know that at least every now and again we would have enough anti anxiety there so w...

Well the every second eight week prescription of diazepam has been filled. Picked it up around 2:30. We haven't taken eight since then and we arnt feeling that much better. There is fuck all point in trying to make the last, taking the whole "two months worth" at once would add up a whole 28mg.. The human sized rat water bottles they put in our cages if we were lucky to get any water all at probably had double that. Sleepy and bit better though, couple of beers to. We have eaten food, wahey. Always helps, we really want to eat our feelings. Especially all the John Oliver stuff.  Coming round to him programming and threatening terrified isolated littles with all sorts in the flat. Seeing him looking down on us side by side with lots of others from lots of different rings in many different places over the decades. .He was cloaked but we knew we was around. We could feel a plunging of our mood and parts dissociating and then remembered the kind of things and the people ...

We did very well to put it of this long. It's a bastard attachment issue. A zero to three bastard attachment issue. We were dissociated bad. Brand new part bad. New toddler that couldnt remember anything about Grandad or anything. She knew pain and horrific adults then she was put in a cage with an older boy who we came to know as Ollie. He was so nice to us sometimes and not at all other times. He mostly did what he was told and we already knew that they told kids to pretend to stand up to them to try and get us to trust them. Sometimes he wouldnt let us sleep and would tell us we had to stay awake. One of the other girls said he was bad and we said he wasnt but we also didn't think any us in there were "good" but didnt have the words for that yet. He was given the task of keeping us as this new slightly younger than I actually was part from remembering about before. They especially didnt want me remembering my granddad. It broke our heart when we had gotten a bit...

Ah well. It's what I'm fighting isn't it? The system of slavery. The manipulation of attachment needs that enables it. It's why we had a "not engaged party" we were not fucking engaged. Christ cant I go back think I'm in love/married to/waiting for my pimping brothers.. Maybe he's a pimping brother to! Can't wait to get there. Really. This is awful. It's all crap. Every relationship we thought we built out of that fucking compound. They are all programmed, groomed and handled. They never saw us. Every promise was the them repeating what pure evil wanted them to say. It's like we told Jacqui. When the sex is that orgasmic to a DIDer it's as likely to be caused be massive denial as by the opposite. Brain isn't gonna let you know what is really going on here. It's not an idiot. Paying Dr O'Maly. John Oliver. Your a cunt. We are attempting to balance it with Tuscany before Palermo. It came first actually. Raised us up...

They weren't blistered. Just a bit sore and hot over the rest of day and the next. A physical reminder to a mind that was being pushed to forget everything. I think it was Jessie and not Noah we were talking to. We were pissed of with him but not enough to not talk to him. We knew there would be someone showing up that day pretending to be him and the impact of whatever the brobot would say and attempt to do to us would be a lot less if we didnt speak to him at all. We felt it before we saw it. One of our ships in that had been in fascist hands for years. We half dropped, half chucked the phone to some well else. We built them to very sensitive to our commands and we were on top of it had the lid opening pretty quickly. We felt very ill at looking him in the cockpit of own of our babies. He struggled briefly, screamed "mum" then his neck was broken and we dropped him back in the cock pit, put in his limbs and told her to close. We jumped back down. She needed a ver...

It's Hendrix. We keep Nelson as a middle name. I'm my grandad's. Very few people are cut out and supported enough to survive the compounds. He's not that kind of fighter. It's been tough. Really tough. The way it was set up so that when we wanted to see and talk to him again we would find him with industry rapists or with other girls that were being trained to pretend they were me. There was surgery. We were told in the Glen I think, on that patch of track that went behind Logiebank that where we know a few meetings happened. We were so fucking relieved we wept. Think we said that if he was just telling us to make us feel better we would totally forgive him because we needed to here that some much. The guy didnt like that and asked when he had every lied to him. He was certain. We agreed and said we probably already knew. That they had probably done it in front of us. Probably so because of what happened to us whenever we wondered if they had. He knew us and ...