..dear reader..

Hello. Cool isn't it and so totally not cool of course to but to not live under the fear of dying while people you love having little idea of who you are. Living like that was always a kind of death anyway. We made an amnesiac part who would describe how she was going die because it was all too much and made sure she sounded literal when she was actually telling them about the end of the worst of the amnesia and isolation. She was telling the abusers she knew she would not exist in the future and all the rest of us agreed and they thought we were telling them we were going to die when it was a roll that would no longer be needed, a state that would no longer happen. Sometimes when it happened we realised we were also showing ourselfs this because it felt so obvious that what we were saying wasn't real or literal. They went higher and higher through the networks trying to find out if it was certain and lots of good work was done. It was our sisters who fell for the "...

Sunny spells but a wicked ass wind. We watered seedlings, moved a planter so it would get more sun and surveyed it all from the kitchen sink. The work will be hard enough I'm not that worried about it being warm when the tools arrive but we are not going to be working in the rain. Forced the lad to take his scooter out then tidy his room for a few minutes, usual it's hardly meeting all his needs but its something. When see appeared on the screen we went even littler and called her "Mummy". I felt Dad take a sharp intake of breath that I think we probably giggled at. She was concentrating really hard on her English and we were her top priority. There was a few people around who were pretty shocked by that and we had focus on not being distracted by their internal worlds all collapsing. We can't remember much specifically and don't expect to, for one thing she has never bullshitted us and that in its self is enough to put the contact between us when I am down...

The buddleia is almost definitely going to arrive before the tools we need to put them in the ground but that's okay we can stick them in a trough planter till they arrive.. and we have done the work... :-/ .. They we will be earning and needing out Epson Salts baths as we have pretty much committed to racking up chuckies, taking out whatever tarp is left and breaking the ground up on the bottom patch.. :-/ .. as always.. help would be greatly appreciated.. Ordered a couple of ferns..and I think we are going to be able to bite the bullet and pick a spot for Gracies tree so it isn't waving about in the centre of everything in one of the boring troughs that are a nightmare for bloody cat poop, shouting 'Hi I'm Gracies & her mum's tree, you weren't much use there were you but I'm thriving.' .. It's bloody freezin today so we are indoors in bed guilt free. Dude has just finished the korok trials he had to take a food break but he did manage to do ...

We've been quite busy the last few days. Two fucking meetings! CPN and social worker.  Social worker who wants to help us socialise the son. Which is appreciated. Cleaned a fair bit yesterday to, had to what with the sw coming over. Was glad except for being a bit migrainy from overdoing it on the sticky. Gardening, hoovering, washing, beds changed, kitchening and food was put away, big packs split up before being frozen and everything got done anyway and it helped sort us out eventually.. Couldn't help ordering more garden stuff last night. A cast iron fairy, a cast iron butterfly, a small metal dog that glows at night and a green plastic through planter that can be hanged from the fence. They had offers on garden paint  There's a load of seedlings that we propagated indoors. Can't remember of course, giant colourful daisy looking hardy annuals and more night scented stock, ffs. Its turning up every where already. At least I think it is. Something came through in th...

Weed guy has just been. Thank goodness. He was kinda later than usual..:-\ Got Chinese delivered to but forgot not to order satay from that place because both the chicken and the sauce are not good which is a shame cause we like their other sauces they don't turn to a solid the moment they are luke warm. The salt and chilli ribs had plenty quite tasty bits on them though. Wine to, fuck it. Wanted to eat food we didn't have to cook then drink wine and smoke spliffs and write to you. The new Zelda game got him into all the old ones again so he is pretty distracted. Wish you could teach him how to talk to us Dad or teach us to be less bothered by it so we could deal with it ourself. We have been thinking about the time in the hospital together. Holding your hand when we went down to dinner. How weird that was. Our stomach responded the only way it could when we looked at the food back then but you were sitting next to us so it couldn't keep doing that either. We ended up la...

To begin with it was easy to hate what they had done to him, what they had him saying and doing but that became impossible over the years because of the evil and the harm he was doing. They would trigger the little that remembered him not being an abuser and he wouldn't do and say whatever he was told to and say to her. Like the guy who did his show before him he doesn't exist, he died and is now is just layers of his victims and his abusers structured by his programmers with nothing underneath. It must be such a relief to our littles to know they are not alone in here when it comes to him. That we refused to take his call in the hospital and more people found out about him. Not sure if it was js or someone else pretending that came to the hospital because we had refused the call and were resisting programming but thankfully there were people around to help us we had been heavily drugged and he might of got us if they hadn't been around. We did everything we could t...

We are translating of course. Back then especially she didn't, wouldn't speak English. Maybe respect, esteem, pride or trust would be a better translation but the word and a sense of its meanings and power was already hidden inside us but we needed her to wake it up again and she did. All the people the were not working for the slavers and experimenters did. To her, the word "love" and the language it comes from was inseparable from the systems of oppression, theft and slavery. We could see when she talked where there highly intelligent survival morphed into the concepts of abusers who help you a little but are actually part of the slave systems. We understood, we knew you can't be ripping away peoples crutches, their defence systems especially when there is nothing else available. We could see she already questioned some of it by the way her eyes and body moved when she talked. She wasn't sure but it was the best they had. It was such relief, she was alive, ...