..dear reader..

Been happy to leave to the neighbours in there's over the past week of bright dry days. Today we were out there though, staying mindful that we will want to do some watering and feeding this evening as well so don't go stupid. Glad its not the first year with the outside areas we took on with the lease. The major obstacles to us enjoying and loving and getting creative with the space are gone or greatly reduced. Start at the back and work down. Focus on what we put there and has survived not getting too much new stuff we can't afford and can't look after then feel guilty about. Focus the excitement on the things that are on the way and preparing for them. And of course the things we already have. The extreme and most unpleasant work already done. Plans we are currently working do include a fair bit of digging. Carefully. And not for too long. Late start. But it has begun. Junior utterly non enthusiastic. To get him to move some heavy stuff and then got him to put a l...

Beautiful morning. We haven't slept yet so are feeling good. Sometimes we have gone out for a walk on early spring mornings like this but not today we want to keep our energy for flat, garden and son. Not quite as petrified by the home schooling as we were, as well as the stuff from school we can do some stuff, yesterday it was to set up the printer, neither of us managed alone but by splitting the task it was achieved so now I can send messages from my phone to the printer next to him.. Set an everyday timer on my phone to be consistent with screens off time, difficult to remember all of his devices though. Taking them all and the wifi booster out the room would be best. He confessed to something Still can't find the kindle and can't let him talk us into letting him use the old fire 'just for reading' .. Not that he could say thank you for it removing the temptation will be a relief for him. It's not like he hasn't got a load of books in there. Gotta do ...

The other day we wrote about feeling more parts of us around, of being very conscious and very strong, missing people, wanting to hear music but how that just makes us miss people more. Been getting more active combined with the sleep issues that meant we got tired enough for a good nights sleep then waking wanting to get stuff done. New hemp oil came today, we giggled just after taking it, pretty sure it does something for us. Tastes even more foul than the last stuff. Glad to have it though but its not enough to fix the sleep dread tonight though, doesn't make for better dreams when before sleeping all we feel and hear is 'hug'. Listen to same Maron. Too much, feeling resensitivised to talk of family, growing up and careers and the normal stuff many people have. Biggest mistake was listening to and old episode where he's talking to someone about their experiences with music industry and the interviewee mentions hating the sausage factory work of writing for other a...

We've read a book about a girl who lived in a shack in a swamp and was abandoned there where she was six, she became a successful author, artist, researcher and conservationist and was never raped but it was attempted. We read a book with short stories by Alexi Sayle it was mostly good weird but sometimes a bit grim. We have read a book we were a bit wary of only because it was called 'Little' because it was partly set in the French Revolution some of it contributed to nightmares but they have been bad any way. It's based on/inspired a real fascinating woman's life and am glad we read it. Read girl, woman, other lots to love in it but of course the people having other people can be hard for us. Liked the holy grail one by one of the very few British comedians that doesn't fill us with bitter fury. We are of course struggling with giving Junior much in the way of structure, exercise and home schooling. He's pretty happy though, missing his friends as they ...

oh no but what about all those mass events we had planned..  Do feel for people with social lives and those in the caring professions and parents with kids of school age in general. Its going to be tough losing the only time we get when Junior is being cared for and educated by other people. Not like we going into this after a weeks or even days of feeling not too bad as we have been able to recognise March is a bit of a monster for us mood wise usually we are so focused on February and don't remember it's actually March that has us drowning in nightmares, savage depression, migraines and of course catching every virus Pablo takes home form school and from the occasional sniffing shop assistant. The one before this one was particularly nasty it was before other countries outside of China were testing but we vomited when it was kicking and ended up having to stop when we did get out self to go to shop or do house work because of breathing problems. It shifted with the steroid...

Currently working on our PIP appeal and Netflix of course. No surprise about the PIP, knew we didn't put enough information in it. It came just after filling the same fucking form for UC and couldn't go through it all again also when a woman turned up for the face to face we knew we would downplay and make out things are not that bad as people tend to do, especially people who have be ''trained'' to. Plan is to send in our scrappy request for mandatory consideration saying we will write more if andy when we get a printer because handwriting is fucking painful, holding the pen too tightly because of the stress and anxiety of it doesn't help. Think its likely there will not be much posts now, since the last one. Quite a few have been started but words wouldn't flow, there is a strong sense in a various aspects of us that one of the main reasons for this whole blog was to get us to a place where we could integrate the memories described in the November p...

Its been easy to not look directly at it. Plenty things on the calander to distract and hide it all behind. There has been attemps to reach up to the front of house to try draw attention to it. Whatever it was that would veto that wasnt something not many of us could consider challenging and whatever it was is gone now. There is no definite need to keep it at arms length anymore. It's the kind of thing we had to be confident was so buried that no amount of gloating or more active attempts to trigger the memories and feelings would fly over our head so we could stand firm and just look them in the eye and let them all see whatever they were attempting was not having the desired effected. The opposite even because so many of us know what they are doing and know what we are doing to defend from it and are very certain there is no way any of them can get round it. It gets quite therapeutic watching them getting more and more desperate sometimes. But then we went back to how it was. ...