..dear reader..

 Sunshine and showers. Wonderful for the garden and for us with our glasses on scribbling and watching the dogs jog past and knowing if a shower is particularly heavy from my bed by seeing the walkers on the wall put up hoods or umbrellas. Not so pleasant for Junior who was on a sports field in the pouring rain and roasting sun. Very happy to do no work out there today anyway lifting the grass yesterday was hard going. Very glad it is done. There is lumpy turf over the bit at the bottom of the steps that grows chocking weeds instantly. Next is to do more with that first area on either side. It will be further pleasing when We have that first entrance area properly improved. The bit that gets walked on the most came from where the furniture is now and all lush and green now so We will just do the same cover it patch magic and try and remember to water it and feed the birds enough so some of the seed survives. A couple of the funky red sunflowers have sprouted next to the stump. They...

  Did indeed get some work done today, a rosemary to replace the one we keep ruining by moving was tucked into the side by the stump and there was some nasty roots so it wasn't easy. Not as crappy as lifting turf for the final bed there though. Fucking turf. Worst thing is some of that grass we wrestled with today has grown from seed we fucking threw and probably watered as well. Buddleia is in now a long with some of the salvia and a couple of fox gloves that hopefully are not too small to get going. Think tomorrow we will focus more on plucking blades of grass out from among the pansies and the lobelia. Maybe put some mini sunflowers in the ground. School phoned today, it has been discussed that they might. It's the same old story though, how does phoning someone up and telling someone their kid is worried about their health help with stress levels? We said he could do with more ASD support, especially since We are not fit to chase it up and said the truth that there is ups a...

 It's a real pleasant Sunday feeling. Did some bird watching, ate noodles and watched some Bob's Burgers with Junior and the newly moved about living room. Eventually got round to putting Spotify on the xbox so now we have our tunes from the old Dell speakers just came out the shower and it's good. We are using this room more now after we maneuvered the eating table out of my bedroom into the small tv/family room. It's tight but the window faces no street light so we get a strip of evening sky with chimney pots above some buildings and our little haven in the shared garden. Nice to have to space back in my room to. Hope we are in the mood to a little work out there tomorrow. Then we can just watch the stuff in little pots get stronger and plant them out where and when We feel like. Also we spent more flippin more bloody money on it. Lights, coz they are super cute to look out into and a pair of flippin fairy windows for the stump. Holidays soon means food vouchers and t...

 Moved around enough and even worked out the weights a little that we slept easily and deeply enough and feel it today, the sleep and the exercise. Really quite achey but very glad to have worked through the heart rate and the worst of the crushing medically concerning anxiety.  School shirts for the last week of the term before what I believe is an extended for royal reasons mid term holiday. Yes it's that time in the school term folks where anything to do with school system past present or future has us in full on mortal terror and chuck in monarchy related bank holidays and its remarkable we can persuade ourself to eat and keep any thing down at all. Even is We had access to all cannabis in the world. Do have access to some though and our stomach lining and I are especially and mortally grateful for that Tea, toast, bananas, cold meat in the fridge for tidy protein nibbles, eggs. Little and often. Manage the anxiety don't fight it. Full fridge, stocked cupboards, superstron...

  That’s the view from my living room window. .. All the things needed to start the last bed are here. We waiting for the grass to dry so we cut it and start digging up the turf for the buddleia. That is maybe all the digging today we already but a couple green mossy ones down between the pink rose and to washing line pole. Buds on both the roses. Looking forward to planting all the stuff in little pots as they get healthier. Superduper anxious. Eating little and often as required by iffy guts. Trying to use codiene as an anti anxiety only works a little occasionally and we have a cider in the fridge for later. And we had steak last night. Good things. Still cant keep my heart rate down for very long but my head is going to some beautiful places sometimes.

    Got all excited about it not being winter anymore and wasn't too bogged down issues with antidepressants, by pain or no money or coherent linear memories or self esteem in March and April so stuff got done plants were bought and cared for and it was fine to see everyone out the back again.  The area that gets the sun most of the day that we first wanted to make something of but found it impossible of the stones and the lining under the turf is actual where we often sit now getting some sun or just watching the birds . We put alpines, last year’s from seed pansies and lobelia plug plants we nursed indoors for a couple of weeks around the slabs and the bird pond. They are all coming in well. There was a Newcastle hospital appointment about junior's gait and before that a cleaning appointment that we did without valium and shouldn't of . We did have damage limitation in place the oven on low kitchen and bedroom clean enough, food and wine in the cupboards. Even made sure...

It doesn't feel necessary or helpful to do this anymore. English and our little flat are the same thing. Ridiculously hard fought for but very far short of what we need. This is the best it can give me now. It was always the language of slavers but that meant it was the language of resistance as well. Now its just the language of  institutions and disconnection. Bought a kids introduction to Spanish. It did make us want to get out a notebook and pen start copying stuff answering questions. It will also make Us want to speak and thats a lot of feelings that have to be managed or at least not self destructively plunged head first into when our hands are still tied. That plane. Those words. Out loud words and not just at my end in Torry, recently escaped and needing to convince everyone everywhere I wasn't actually there whilst it was made more and more necessary that I proved I was. It was a conversation that was not entirely annihilated afterwards and has kept us wrapped up and ...