Its a shame
All the peaks and troughs in the memories gets dizzying. Sickened by the slaughter and enslavement and the no where is safe all pervasiveness of meticulously maintained ancient hate that has consumed this planet and annihilated its human cultures and their potential one minute then warmed and fortified by times spent with people capable of seeing all of me with affection and acceptance, people capable of witnessing the genocide and all the physical acts, decisions and words that that word represents without it washing their values away like the water from fire engine hoses washed away so much blood from concrete, tarmac and grass.
Felt better today than yesterday, the dreams didn't hang over as badly. Paid the council tax and did the dishes, got the kitchen floor cleaner. The humidity seems to have lifted even though its been raining for hours. There's some wind to so its cooler and air feels like air again instead of a grubby sticky suffocating blanket.
We have a day of not pushing our self, just doing what feels easy followed by a day of putting a bit more effort in. Its seems to be working not to bad. Its about giving ourself a break from 'should's as much as trying to not let the domestic chores becoming overwhelming. We need to work it around the occasional appointment though and keep in mind they are stressful and exhausting even when they go well.
Its going to be our first summer spent not mostly or entirely spent in some sort of hell surrounded by rapists and people actively trying to kill us for a very long time and we are starting to accept that. Our survivor parts have not gone into retirement from being constantly upfront but I think it is starting to occur to them that it is something they could begin considering and making plans for. We have no reason to push them when it's still just the two of us and there's so much awfulness that we haven't processed or accepted. To see people treated in those ways, to be know how it feels to be treated so horrifically ourself. There was so much of it that was just unsurvivable and we are not keen to face the damage and count our loses yet.
We are trying to recognise our wins though even with some of us feeling like the distance between ourself and monsters, being ourself and unsurvivable experiences could be taken away at any day. Even so though I think to some of us it is starting to be dawn even if it is terrifying to do so that it can never go back to the way it has been, that it can not ever be as bad as it has been again.
There is a thought to add 'for us' to the end of that paragraph but mostly there is a sense that its not necessary, that it would trigger an old intentionally instilled misery and guilt based on exaggerating potentials and possibles just from the explain and demonstrate how it would be made impossible for so much improvements to lives, to decreases in suffering to happen. We don't feel for people like we used to.
Felt better today than yesterday, the dreams didn't hang over as badly. Paid the council tax and did the dishes, got the kitchen floor cleaner. The humidity seems to have lifted even though its been raining for hours. There's some wind to so its cooler and air feels like air again instead of a grubby sticky suffocating blanket.
We have a day of not pushing our self, just doing what feels easy followed by a day of putting a bit more effort in. Its seems to be working not to bad. Its about giving ourself a break from 'should's as much as trying to not let the domestic chores becoming overwhelming. We need to work it around the occasional appointment though and keep in mind they are stressful and exhausting even when they go well.
Its going to be our first summer spent not mostly or entirely spent in some sort of hell surrounded by rapists and people actively trying to kill us for a very long time and we are starting to accept that. Our survivor parts have not gone into retirement from being constantly upfront but I think it is starting to occur to them that it is something they could begin considering and making plans for. We have no reason to push them when it's still just the two of us and there's so much awfulness that we haven't processed or accepted. To see people treated in those ways, to be know how it feels to be treated so horrifically ourself. There was so much of it that was just unsurvivable and we are not keen to face the damage and count our loses yet.
We are trying to recognise our wins though even with some of us feeling like the distance between ourself and monsters, being ourself and unsurvivable experiences could be taken away at any day. Even so though I think to some of us it is starting to be dawn even if it is terrifying to do so that it can never go back to the way it has been, that it can not ever be as bad as it has been again.
There is a thought to add 'for us' to the end of that paragraph but mostly there is a sense that its not necessary, that it would trigger an old intentionally instilled misery and guilt based on exaggerating potentials and possibles just from the explain and demonstrate how it would be made impossible for so much improvements to lives, to decreases in suffering to happen. We don't feel for people like we used to.
