I miss him too much
We've been immersed in Glee, in season three now. Have noticed a few times how we can be amused by school dramas, we remember not feeling the enslavement so much probably because we weren't we were too busy, the worst of the genocide was over and we were too supported, too special, had too many resources and were too successful. When it comes to the late teens though, the uni, work, relationship options often played out with parents still parenting.. We must of gotten captured and not just for a little while but for the long term, never rescued, still not free, still annihilated by dissociation with no means to get better and stay better. Not physically chained and kept incapacitated but not safe and making my own decisions or speaking to people to love me and fight for me and against the genocide.
When we remember him, we feel guilty about 'forgetting' then terrified that remembering his existence is part of coming to terms with him never coming back. Then we just feel sick of being so alienated from our own truth, from our own history, our self. The DID and the culture of keeping us in a state of permanent terror, isolated from ourself and the truth makes memories of speaking and seeing him on little screens, feeling him and knowing in those moments that he was definitely alive and not going any where, just don't feel real. They could be fake.
We were told by some police type back in Fife, on the day Laura was supposed to have been murdered but wasn't because she was already dead when it was sinking in how much things were not going the only way it was thought it could go. We cant remember the exact words but it was about Epstein and the 10th of August, the same date. We knew it wouldn't be the year after, or the year after that but we didn't say anything and didn't to be falling head first into the swirling awfulness of the upcoming years we had to stay grounded in the ongoing awfulness of Margo's kitchen. He added though, looking stressed and uncomfortable, choking on the words, 'Your husband will be on his way.'
Think we did an almost perfect job of maintaining the poker face. 'And if he isn't someone else will be.'
He nodded but there was a look on his face like he had to deal with fresh hot cat diarrhoea on the carpet.
Just because the Epstein bit was right doesn't mean the rest of it is.
Hate the feeling when we have to pull ourself away from Glee or whatever else we stay steeped in we get that physical sinking feeling. So much of our insides ache, we keep reaching for a part of ourself that isn't here. Its too much missing, too much loss. Have to keep the faith vague, that we will feel better some day but it feels so fake, need him, not some vague betterness based on extending periods of time without contact with the perpetrators of some of the worst crimes against humanity that can ever be committed, anti depressants and disability benefits from the state given to us via the name given to other girls who state representatives stole, tortured, enslaved and then murdered.
We need him.
We can't cope with having lost him as well.
When we remember him, we feel guilty about 'forgetting' then terrified that remembering his existence is part of coming to terms with him never coming back. Then we just feel sick of being so alienated from our own truth, from our own history, our self. The DID and the culture of keeping us in a state of permanent terror, isolated from ourself and the truth makes memories of speaking and seeing him on little screens, feeling him and knowing in those moments that he was definitely alive and not going any where, just don't feel real. They could be fake.
We were told by some police type back in Fife, on the day Laura was supposed to have been murdered but wasn't because she was already dead when it was sinking in how much things were not going the only way it was thought it could go. We cant remember the exact words but it was about Epstein and the 10th of August, the same date. We knew it wouldn't be the year after, or the year after that but we didn't say anything and didn't to be falling head first into the swirling awfulness of the upcoming years we had to stay grounded in the ongoing awfulness of Margo's kitchen. He added though, looking stressed and uncomfortable, choking on the words, 'Your husband will be on his way.'
Think we did an almost perfect job of maintaining the poker face. 'And if he isn't someone else will be.'
He nodded but there was a look on his face like he had to deal with fresh hot cat diarrhoea on the carpet.
Just because the Epstein bit was right doesn't mean the rest of it is.
Hate the feeling when we have to pull ourself away from Glee or whatever else we stay steeped in we get that physical sinking feeling. So much of our insides ache, we keep reaching for a part of ourself that isn't here. Its too much missing, too much loss. Have to keep the faith vague, that we will feel better some day but it feels so fake, need him, not some vague betterness based on extending periods of time without contact with the perpetrators of some of the worst crimes against humanity that can ever be committed, anti depressants and disability benefits from the state given to us via the name given to other girls who state representatives stole, tortured, enslaved and then murdered.
We need him.
We can't cope with having lost him as well.
