New things
Stuff from Amazon starting to arrive. Very cool except for the cardboards boxes filled with paper and another cardboard box. It will all get in the recycling bin eventually. Bit worried about spending too much and equally about going for cheapest options that are not fit for purpose and wasted cash. Hope arrivals tomorrow inspire me to make flat nice been slipping. Usual reasons, pain, mood, not sleeping, sleeping during the day.
Psychs today were talking about sleep hygiene, was sent away from a leaflet that we haven't look at yet. Even if we could (and we can't) get daily exercise, use relaxation methods, not eat much or drink tea in the evening the sleep fear is still going to be there. As lucid as our dreaming can be its not lucid enough to be able to get away from the misery themes that have been the basis of so much of lived experience and the things we are afraid because there was a real possibility of happening when we slept are not all things we could discuss with NHS professionals and of course its those things that are the roots of the deepest fears and dreads. We don't feel able to attempt to start a list here on in handwriting that we have been doing more of mostly about Louise.
You know in the past as we chocked on and forced out words about Louise and have been asked about the nature of our relationship it would get us confused, we were no where near ready for that when still struggling with her existing at all. Now we feel those questions were asked because whoever was asking already had information from another source, another source and authority on us that doesn't help me, never helped Louise and was all about enforcing the slavery and the emotional/physical tortures from a position of state provided security and comfort. Now we really wish we had punched them hard and repeatedly in the face and maybe sometimes we did but the memories lie out of reach along with most of the rest of the violence that we dealt out or were subjected to.
There was also talk today of having a plan of what to do should I or Pablo be approached by nasties. Sensible, sure and our waking and sleeping nightmare have had us worried about this anyway but we don't know what the fuck we could do beyond employing inner resources. Every agency, charity possible source of support is another risk and we don't feel like adding to the existing ones. ''There is security.'' We have be made to repeat it, hoping that is we said it enough and if we got the right parts to say it, it might sink in. Hasn't worked yet though. We don't have the specifics so we don't believe it even though we know we don't have the specifics on an shit tonne of stuff that doesn't mean there aren't real.
Stupidly watch some of Morning Joe. Don't think there is much that sickens us more about America than second amendment rights, or rather the far rights interpretation of them. Fuck social, employment, health, childrens' or legal due process rights we just want guns, lotsa them. And that prick going on about it not being a good idea to impeach people that repeatedly ignore and break laws and have clearly zero respect for the constitution. Those oaths are not legally binding of course why would they we, there just oaths.. Will stick to Maddow, Reid, the Rev and the rest of them and ignore the a.m. reach out to Fox watchers. Over hear Johnson makes us feel the same as Trump, Kavanagh and the ancient evil insanely greedy turtle prick that runs the U.S senate - physically ill and horrifically dissociated with a lust for large scale destruction.
House improvements on the way though in the form of plants and pretty pots and hangers. Van Gogh prints. Clothes for both inside and outside some of which surely will fit comfortably..
Psychs today were talking about sleep hygiene, was sent away from a leaflet that we haven't look at yet. Even if we could (and we can't) get daily exercise, use relaxation methods, not eat much or drink tea in the evening the sleep fear is still going to be there. As lucid as our dreaming can be its not lucid enough to be able to get away from the misery themes that have been the basis of so much of lived experience and the things we are afraid because there was a real possibility of happening when we slept are not all things we could discuss with NHS professionals and of course its those things that are the roots of the deepest fears and dreads. We don't feel able to attempt to start a list here on in handwriting that we have been doing more of mostly about Louise.
You know in the past as we chocked on and forced out words about Louise and have been asked about the nature of our relationship it would get us confused, we were no where near ready for that when still struggling with her existing at all. Now we feel those questions were asked because whoever was asking already had information from another source, another source and authority on us that doesn't help me, never helped Louise and was all about enforcing the slavery and the emotional/physical tortures from a position of state provided security and comfort. Now we really wish we had punched them hard and repeatedly in the face and maybe sometimes we did but the memories lie out of reach along with most of the rest of the violence that we dealt out or were subjected to.
There was also talk today of having a plan of what to do should I or Pablo be approached by nasties. Sensible, sure and our waking and sleeping nightmare have had us worried about this anyway but we don't know what the fuck we could do beyond employing inner resources. Every agency, charity possible source of support is another risk and we don't feel like adding to the existing ones. ''There is security.'' We have be made to repeat it, hoping that is we said it enough and if we got the right parts to say it, it might sink in. Hasn't worked yet though. We don't have the specifics so we don't believe it even though we know we don't have the specifics on an shit tonne of stuff that doesn't mean there aren't real.
Stupidly watch some of Morning Joe. Don't think there is much that sickens us more about America than second amendment rights, or rather the far rights interpretation of them. Fuck social, employment, health, childrens' or legal due process rights we just want guns, lotsa them. And that prick going on about it not being a good idea to impeach people that repeatedly ignore and break laws and have clearly zero respect for the constitution. Those oaths are not legally binding of course why would they we, there just oaths.. Will stick to Maddow, Reid, the Rev and the rest of them and ignore the a.m. reach out to Fox watchers. Over hear Johnson makes us feel the same as Trump, Kavanagh and the ancient evil insanely greedy turtle prick that runs the U.S senate - physically ill and horrifically dissociated with a lust for large scale destruction.
House improvements on the way though in the form of plants and pretty pots and hangers. Van Gogh prints. Clothes for both inside and outside some of which surely will fit comfortably..
