Looking forward to the sounds and smells of heavy rain.
Laura and Margo would of gone nuts for a May like this. It's horrible to think how Laura's last summers meant enduring the constant evilness from so many sources and the child abusing, murderous, police protected meth heads on the other side of the fence making sure she couldn't even enjoy the back garden. It's better feeling sad than scared, disgusted and furious constantly though.
Has there really been no fighting, no threats, no abusers getting into the home and doing their jobs, no trigger calls, no situations forcing us to pretend the triggers worked when they didn't or forcing us to figure out a way for them to stop working when they did, not even people hanging about outside since we came here? It feels quite wonderful to let the weather and the light help get us moving a bit more without the certain knowledge that it will be deliberately fucked up by grotesque ignorant hatebags pretending to even more ignorant than they are.
We are apprehensive about the summer, of course and it's still difficult to go out because exposure to people means exposure to slavers and there is no point in pretending a face or voice can't bring us down even without eye contact or verbal or remembering specifics (they always seem to think they had/have a special role but none of them did. We can't recognise faces just the space where a personality should be) but we can feel some skin forming. A real tough durable skin it will be to because we are growing it completely by ourself there isn't anyone helping, can't fall because support is ripped away when there is no support.
We are encouraging ourself to think in terms of being much physically younger than we are so we feel less like we need to hurry up the healing and the integrating so we can what? 'Be normal'? That's meaningless anyway but particularly to us when 'normal' has meant horror and desperately trying to reduce the horror experienced by others and little kids whose lives are totally outside out control. It's not like we are trying to pretend that decades haven't happened more about slowly figuring out how to be present by letting go of the programming that we wanted to be true because it was based on thinking of ourself as a member of a society, a person among people who have vaguely similar experiences and expectations. The only thing that made that shit sink so deep in us was the need for it to be true because the traumas took away absolutely everything else and of course the programmers wouldn't stop and leave the room until they turned us into something just passable.
The 'what now' feels very much a part of all that, it's short hand for 'what should we do with our life?' and 'we should try harder for normal things'. What we need to do is nothing but be and enjoy it and be comfortable as much as possible because we don't know what is going to happen next. Maybe there won't be anything major like we have always had to deal with in the past maybe there will be. Maybe our parts will rearrange and take us somewhere we can't currently imagine maybe we will be fine with quietly settling. Same with outside events we might have change forced on us or maybe this uneasy quiet will just continue, slavers waiting for instructions forever from long gone sources unable to come up with their own because they weren't built for that. Either way we can still grow, are still capable of empathy, capable of knowing things could be better without feeling we have to or should fight harder to do something about it.
It's not our planet. None of these peoples are our people. We wish it was different but can't make it so and really wish there was a lot less unnecessary suffering caused by fascist supremacies..
Damn shame though. We could of done a lot to improve this place, many people could instead all our energies go into not dying from paranoid hate and cynical short term greed. We have our flesh, our son and we have our little flat and strip of garden we will do the best we can with that.
Really glad to see rain in the forecast for this week. Garden will be very glad. Probably do some weeding and tidying tomorrow in preparation for it and get some more wine for making bolognaise and drinking in the sunshine. Maybe play some Mario party, or continue the D&D adventure but that's tricky because we have such problems trusting even the dungeon master and don't really know or get the whole D&D world.
Has there really been no fighting, no threats, no abusers getting into the home and doing their jobs, no trigger calls, no situations forcing us to pretend the triggers worked when they didn't or forcing us to figure out a way for them to stop working when they did, not even people hanging about outside since we came here? It feels quite wonderful to let the weather and the light help get us moving a bit more without the certain knowledge that it will be deliberately fucked up by grotesque ignorant hatebags pretending to even more ignorant than they are.
We are apprehensive about the summer, of course and it's still difficult to go out because exposure to people means exposure to slavers and there is no point in pretending a face or voice can't bring us down even without eye contact or verbal or remembering specifics (they always seem to think they had/have a special role but none of them did. We can't recognise faces just the space where a personality should be) but we can feel some skin forming. A real tough durable skin it will be to because we are growing it completely by ourself there isn't anyone helping, can't fall because support is ripped away when there is no support.
We are encouraging ourself to think in terms of being much physically younger than we are so we feel less like we need to hurry up the healing and the integrating so we can what? 'Be normal'? That's meaningless anyway but particularly to us when 'normal' has meant horror and desperately trying to reduce the horror experienced by others and little kids whose lives are totally outside out control. It's not like we are trying to pretend that decades haven't happened more about slowly figuring out how to be present by letting go of the programming that we wanted to be true because it was based on thinking of ourself as a member of a society, a person among people who have vaguely similar experiences and expectations. The only thing that made that shit sink so deep in us was the need for it to be true because the traumas took away absolutely everything else and of course the programmers wouldn't stop and leave the room until they turned us into something just passable.
The 'what now' feels very much a part of all that, it's short hand for 'what should we do with our life?' and 'we should try harder for normal things'. What we need to do is nothing but be and enjoy it and be comfortable as much as possible because we don't know what is going to happen next. Maybe there won't be anything major like we have always had to deal with in the past maybe there will be. Maybe our parts will rearrange and take us somewhere we can't currently imagine maybe we will be fine with quietly settling. Same with outside events we might have change forced on us or maybe this uneasy quiet will just continue, slavers waiting for instructions forever from long gone sources unable to come up with their own because they weren't built for that. Either way we can still grow, are still capable of empathy, capable of knowing things could be better without feeling we have to or should fight harder to do something about it.
It's not our planet. None of these peoples are our people. We wish it was different but can't make it so and really wish there was a lot less unnecessary suffering caused by fascist supremacies..
Damn shame though. We could of done a lot to improve this place, many people could instead all our energies go into not dying from paranoid hate and cynical short term greed. We have our flesh, our son and we have our little flat and strip of garden we will do the best we can with that.
Really glad to see rain in the forecast for this week. Garden will be very glad. Probably do some weeding and tidying tomorrow in preparation for it and get some more wine for making bolognaise and drinking in the sunshine. Maybe play some Mario party, or continue the D&D adventure but that's tricky because we have such problems trusting even the dungeon master and don't really know or get the whole D&D world.
