..dear reader..

Did help last nights post. After we still felt pretty shitty but we did start remembering more than just hell. A male, and not an afore mentioned one either. We have been feeling gay recently what with thinking about Louise and seeing Zoe from Nurse Jackie adapting to the loss of most of the men folks in Godless (oh my) so of course we are going to remember intense physical experiences and serious commitments to a male.. I'm not interested in writing much about him, if it's you your gonna know. It wasn't some fuck with the dissociated slave by making her littles think some excessively attractive person from the telly is gonna come back and rescue her if she just does what she's told. Not like there has been many genuine flings. We starting kissing and didn't stop until an extremely loud alarm floored us both. He looked to for a sign of what might the hell might be about to happen but we knew what it was about and were just rolling our eyes and swearing so he laug...

Week two of shitty shitty cold virus. Closing my eyes just puts us back there, under blankets that there isn't enough of, no heating in the room, single glazing. Symptoms just dragging on and on. There's no past, not future. Just an awful present. The virus making it impossible to distract our self from our core, of not just food insecurity, lack of physical care and Margo's unpredictability, the chance  of a slap from Lynne or someone or much much worse it's all these things and the living with seeing the torture and deaths we have witnessed of people who would and in some cases did do what they could to keep us warm and fed well and the attempts at our own life and the knowing there would be more. The uniforms, the accents, the connectedness and the privileges of the killers. The knowledge that left us with, the understanding that there would be no safety and no healing. The annihilation of what propaganda described as normal childhood, we were forced to believe in...

It didn't work. We read a bit, wrote a bit. Then avoided sleep for hours and hours. Amazon always good for avoiding sleep espically when you know you have issues with impulsiveness and indecisiveness. Finally ordered clothes for junior that will hopefully fit him. He cares about clothes even less than We do (going to start with We meaning me us, we deserve a capital) so even on the couple of occasions We dragged him into a clothes shop he wasn't much help. So today we have been sleeping, feeling shitty, eating and bugger all else. Going to give it a better go tonight and not find excuses during the window of sleepiness. Think it was the writing that partly stirred us up, the exact opposite of what we intended. Yep. Too tired for fear of nightmares. But then bladder got us up and now we are very small and very upset and very  alone even though we have  been remembering  being helped in the  past. We keep the feelings of people saving us or phoning as long as we...

The night nurse has been helping but think its the kind of illness that makes us sleepy and that's always preferable to being kept awake to feel rough as fuck. Did a little today, dried bedding, tried out the new hoover, put new bedding on all of which resulted in serious out breathness and severe sweatiness. The shopping arrived just before he came home from school so we were quite exhausted and grumpy after getting it all up the stairs. Decent lunches for us to help us recover. Too ill for vino but got brandy to aid with night sleeping, drinking it in tea with honey like we do over winter fest and strangely enough ended up looking at advent calendars after our soak. Pablo's wanted a quite pricey and because there was money there we could get one our littles are all excited for. Little lego tree decorations.. Little fingers are craving lego quite a bit. That's good. We defended ourself against Bill in a dream recently, stabbed him repeatedly. Gruesome but better than aw...

Well if I'm gonna be flattened by a virus Pablo has taken home from school for us it's not so bad if the worst of comes of a day when new cotton pj bottoms and very soft fleecy jumper arrives. We are well coordinated, it's all about the duck egg shades, the new stuff, our duvet cover, pillow cases and the towel on the bathroom floor are all pale greeny blues. We particularly like it against the vintage pink bath mat.. What's not so good is the house being a bit like after moving in because there is so much boxes and stuff everywhere. Will be cool when we get it all organised and get rid of the overly large dresser, chuck out or donate stuff and stop keeping things we never use. Including the new flares that are supposed to be a size 14 but are closer to 8 - 10 and we don't send stuff back, our mind freaks at the thought of that. The only other new stuff fuck up is plant pots that were supposed to be for in doors but are huge. They will be good for outside though an...

Stuff from Amazon starting to arrive. Very cool except for the cardboards boxes filled with paper and another cardboard box. It will all get in the recycling bin eventually. Bit worried about spending too much and equally about going for cheapest options that are not fit for purpose and wasted cash. Hope arrivals tomorrow inspire me to make flat nice been slipping. Usual reasons, pain, mood, not sleeping, sleeping during the day. Psychs today were talking about sleep hygiene, was sent away from a leaflet that we haven't look at yet. Even if we could (and we can't) get daily exercise, use relaxation methods, not eat much or drink tea in the evening the sleep fear is still going to be there. As lucid as our dreaming can be its not lucid enough to be able to get away from the misery themes that have been the basis of so much of lived experience and the things we are afraid because there was a real possibility of happening when we slept are not all things we could discuss with N...

Some of the songs we have been listening to recently reminded us of it and inspired a mental note to look up that Mazzy Star track. We had already gone from noticing and no longer disregarding the memories when it came on without us looking for it when we stuck on a made for you Spotify list.  There wasn't any 'I think..' about it, it just was. She stuck with the name because it was the easiest for both of us to remember and because it really pisses the ranks of slavers when their efforts to completely alienated you from yourself becomes a basis of empowerment. Then when Pulp's Common People come on after the memories on lying on the bedroom floor in Skene together with getting seriously, consensually and intensely physical for the first probably last time with her or anyone. As younger kids we had collapsed on a prickly forest floor together when we could run no longer and were sure we had lost them but had to stay low and still we were so overjoyed at finding not j...