November 28, 2013

Take Care

....I completely understand.  I hope you are well again soon. Please keep in touch if you want to.  Take good care of yourself...

Thanks SuperShrink.  Neither the first nor the last time a sense of being able to talk at length about a lot of ongoing stuff instead of going vague one day is is followed by waking up on the appointment day and cancelling everything without regrets. Drama therapy started again yesterday.  It didn't go well.  Its over a year of talking to a psychologist who has DID experience and is open to researching and listening to some talk about ritual abuse, the drama stopped back in June lots has happened since then.  There had been graphic repetitive nightmares in the few hours sleep I did get, reached out to L who was the center of so much of it all.  She was the base that torture and experiments to try and create parts that were tailored for their needs, EPS trapped in states of total mental subjugation and dislocation from our flesh and the world around them, unconscious programs to abuse others, gang and cult parts, littles, parts with particular mental disabilities, abilities, and on and on.  There's not much left of the dream, something about being completely distraught about breaking someones foot, verbal from ring member faces that made me even more terrified and ashamed, an image of a white smooth object that is supposed be the broken foot but doesn't really seem to me.  Trying to figure out what it is just gives me white sheets in morgues and same message about Savile trying to get me accept hurting people by practicing on corpses.  I said I could pretend I was practicing to be a doctor, he said ok but got bored of letting me do that pretty quick.  

So how much did we blog about Watkins?  It's the shame that's wondering, shame that he got away with it for so long because by abusing her or involving her in the abuse meant he wouldn't be touched.  The ANP is very aware of some of the main parts that are being triggered and are making a safe place for them as best we can, its the same parts we needed to work with anyway. The parts that are most in need of help is L of course, it was her job to hold all the littles to be used for abuse.  She was supposed be the real 'me' according to much of the external world.  She's expecting a knock at the door and to be arrested for abusing children with Watkins by the same officers who part of it all and then to be talked about like the other women involved are being talked about. 'If I have you. I'll have your baby' and words to those effect and in different languages, we heard them repeatedly from the early 90's.  More like the well used recycled script in a huge lines of filmed stuff I've heard it that often.  We detested our flesh for being present in our mind and in footage while beautiful wee bairns were hurt like that, over and over.  We are getting through though to her, there is no shortage of other parts that will help her with the little ones so she has time and space to realise she still exists even though we still have contact with our family and live isolated in Scotland, life is paradise compared to what it was.

Took a little while to get out of victim mode and back to the present on waking.  We were struggling but functioning until drama therapist - lets call her Daisy, started talking about growth, new beginnings and asked us to go into twos to discuss how 'a tree' can represent this.  We had to be a little ball of mess in the corner for a little while after that, horribly split, physical having to hold my hands together so the other half of my brain knows the other half is there.  Littles in my thumbs and corners of my mouth whispering to each other. It didn't last long before we got through it but we suspects that thinking it all wasn't too obvious and weird was like telling yourself your subtle when drunk, done to avoid adding anxiety to the situation not because its true. When she came over to talk to said she didn't know this would trigger me which is always a fucking stupid thing to say to an RA survivor, of course she didn't know and if she did she would hardly be admitting it.  Wouldn't say the therapist is dismissive exactly but during the one to one session she did say she had read the file when we started to say what was going on as if there wasn't any point in me saying anything else.  Hate those feelings that we talk 'in the wrong way' about it by repeating ourselves or whatever.  Some suspicion that she just doesn't believe that much of it happened.  Like she was surprised to see me flailing so badly. Never reacted to so badly with the previous drama therapists, their instincts towards us always seemed really good and held us together even when they were completely out of their depth.  Better to miss drama because of a heavy talking sesh than the other way round, especially when struggling to bond with the drama woman on any level.

Everyone is terrified L will still step forward if we were in great risk because she thinks its her job to just take it.  She saved a lot of us so much agony but she is trained to hate any violence she commits herself as worse than anything that is done to her, she had to accept she doesn't matter like other people do.  She knows there is no point in running and can't was heavily programmed to believe she is too weak to defend herself, to freeze and not fight.  She won't ask for help from other parts because that's what the abusers do and doesn't think any of us would want to or be strong enough to help her anyway.  She talked though and let her littles talk or play and comforted them all when she could.  She never thought any of it was ok and frustrated the abusers a lot.  Watkins was named in 2004 to Woman's Aid and to whoever police and non police where around at the time and in Glasgow of course cause he was around and so were all kinds of police.  Definitely talked about there being severely dodgy coppers who were manipulating people who made complaints by persuading them they needed more evidence when they were working with horror porn producers and disturbers. Didn't I? Definitely. And the other times and the other places.  You did and you do not need to prove it to us. Its not your shame. This year too, we all remember that reaction when you named a sugerbade then had abused us with Watkins, like a quite loud 'wow', or 'whoa' that startled the witness dude whose opening gambit had been 'Have we met before? You look very familiar' in a room you didn't know how often you had been in before with the shelves filled with awards for charity work in, keeping calm when they start keeping forward, 'I hurt here'.  No one's blaming you for the fear but it is safe to start fixing ourselves now.

In other news - have an appointment with the local MP tomorrow.  Emailed him on Sunday, yesterday his assistant emailed back with a time and a place for tomorrow.  Took a bit of womaning up but we mailed back without over thinking it saying 'see you then'.  Not planning on great soul bearing details obvs hopefully just an adult chat about the wider issues.