November 29, 2016

So far I just can't see.

Did pretty well today. Didnt turn off the alarm we had set half an hour early so we could go in the shower before town and order from somewhere that is selling a dude xmas present cheap when everywhere else that selling it have sold out. All going well he well be getting both Skylanders imaginators and Lego Dimensions. And a heap of other shit. Aiming to spoil him, N agrees and its definitely going to be his best Christmas in terms of presents. The shower was a bit ambitious but the orders were made and we went into town after dropping him off at school. Standing waiting for the bus we wondered about driving before remembering we couldnt afford it and we cant rely on our concentration.

In town we picked up some decorations and toys we hoped would be small enough to fit in the pockets of the advent calendar Margo made. Went to greggs but couldnt really stomach the mocha or lorne in a roll but ate and drank at least half. When we got home we were quite excited to see which of the little presents fit, wrap them and hang up the calendar.  Margo made the calendars and put christmas tress decorations in the pockets to hang each day and we have always wanted to put little presents in and have it all ready for the first but have never managed before. He's quite excited about it. He says he still believes in Santa and I believe him. I hope he wont hate me for lying..  I would of been subtler but Laura and Margo were never keen on that and when the kids were little and together at Christmas you can't really be telling them different things.

We got a letter from Grace and Tommy which brought up a lot of mixed feelings, glad that they are both alive but worried for them with such a horrible family, it triggered long term feelings of powerlessness over their safety and our own to. It brought a big smile to Pablo though and that was great to see. We will try and send up some tokens for their Christmas we arn't expecting anything for Pablo from any "adult" up there but it would be good to send them something to say we are still thinking of them.

We even txted friends from the ward. One of them phoned back and we answered, sounds like she is doing really well and we talked about meeting up. Promised ourself to phone another girl we have avoided calls from recently because she has so much energy and we are miserable. The CPN has arranged for the antidepressants to be put up. It's November and that is never much fun but we arnt in the self slashing place we were last year. Just miserable. A lot. Bullshit is being unpicked and truths rediscovered personally and there isn't any fears about doing or not doing something that would bring about a Trump presidency because thats already happened which is depressing as is the MSM supported rise in right wing white nationalist populism anywhere. It disgusts us. Deeply.

The not unexpected death of mad bastard Fidel hasn't exactly helped raise our spirits. There are people who feel as we do about the education and culture Pablo is getting. Hearing Western Capitalists claim a moral high ground on human rights isn't something we can tolerate. We know. We have and are experiencing their horrific crimes, their cover ups, their endemic corruption, their violence, their experiments, their systems of oppression, their theft and the hopelessness and voicelessness that results.

We are regretting our tweet about footballers and how it would off been much braver if they had disclosed to press when they still had careers. It wasn't Eric Bristow level of cuntyness but it was close. Raped footballers became rapist footballers in some cases, we were triggered and obviously felt some need to be horrible. Not that we have spotted any of our or Louise's rapists as the ones talking now but just like before we don't expect the scale of offences against children and gang rape in eighties or nineties in Britain to be exposed.

What else can we write about? We aren't reading but have ordered something that interests us and that means we were interested which is positive. We are struggling to hope for change, for contact but we are currently weedless and its often the case that we feel that way without it. We are grounding ourself in the wider realities of who we are and where we are from when we can but it all feels so far away with no means to get closer to anything or anyone. Nothing to do but wait and it feels like such as waste. Will put the decorations up over the weekend I think. That is something to do that will cheer us up and that means brandy season to if we can stretch to it, also a positive..

November 21, 2016


Wish there was more money so we could bury ourself in materialism. Make the house like a grotto, go to shows, bewilder him with presents. And fill ourself with fine food and booze and weed until you get here. He would rather have his cousins anyway. 

We also kind of want to distance our self from whats been written here over the years. Not the space stuff of course that's real and makes sense or most of the rape.

We have been colouring again. A Christmas one we got last year. Still not reading and unmotivated to try. Supposed to have an appointment with psychology but ditched it. Its too cold and we won't be there enough for there to be much point in it. In the new year the anti depressants will have had longer to work and if we are still alone we will feel more able to make the best of it then. This year as been another highly traumatic year after many highly traumatic years its impossible to think what could happen next. Not that we can't daydream at all. Its scary and difficult but not impossible.

November 07, 2016


It's an uncomfortable restlessness that has bothered us today as well as the usual sinking low mood. We often notice that the time of day when we feel a bit brighter and less weighed down is about mid day. Its reliable enough that on really bad mornings if we remember to tell ourself we will feel better then we usually dont regret it. What can I do with that time though. It often only lasts about an hour before the thought of walking up to the school and standing around with all the noise has us trying not to cringe. We have been on the sertaline for two weeks now so if there is going to be any unpleasantness from them it will be about now.  Hate it when we can't watch Grey's Anatomy any more. Arn't listening to much music. Except Dire Straits occasionally. Glad we did that trauma theory reading but it's not something we are doing now. What the fuck do we do with our mind? It rejects everything I can offer. It's a big awesome mind and it's rotting.

Well maybe thats not entirely true DID complicates use it or lose and its not like we arn't making constant progress in reaching out and reintegrating parts of our self and the past but its not enough to help the unsupported CPTSD and situational depression. We feel the loses so much more than we do the wins. The wins are still out there happening to someone else the looses are here and now.

At least we are stable enough to take the meds and eat cook clean a little and sleep. We have made a start on the Santa shopping. For one. And there's going to be a conversation this week where we have to face what we were told in the hospital on the same hospital grounds and then bus it home alone.

It's the kind of thing that makes me pray for all the relationships we have or thought we had that happens quite a lot. We have to let go of so much to go through something like that. Too much to rebuild because everything is so different and too avoidable to leave any will to start something again.