Disappointing we only got five day pass and not discharge but not surprising. It's when we go back that we need to say that our life has been owned, controlled, manipulated and out of our control and it's time we took it back. Not after a week or so pass. Now. We can trust ourself to take the meds, to eat and take care ourself. There is no chance of getting ill as we were. It took something over three decades for us to get and be forced into the state we were in. Social work will be all over us and we don't care. We want them to come over regularly. We are not scared that the house will be a mess or we will be too emotional because the house will be fine and yes we will be a bit emotional but thats us, thats life and we have the tools, the strength to manage it. Not that everything is going to wonderful. We are still here. But we don't hate and fear the land and everything and everyone on it and in it like we were.
The ward is particularly horrible at the moment for anyone who is present enough to notice and not institutionalised enough to care. Of course if they threatened us with section we will have to take the passes and speak to advocacy about it and maybe a lawyer.
Watching Sensitive Skin isnt exactly helping our cannabis cravings.. Not acting on them. Not today. The worst part is the sense that we are only not smoking because we are scared of doctors and social workers and not because we think it is right for us at the moment to not smoke. It's not like we can control the quality of whatever we buy and we will probably over use it. We don't want to over use and we feel better about not buying when we think about that. That we are not smoking for us. Not because people who know fuck all about us and either don't care or incapable of understanding us have told us not to..
Hated that in refuge to, how people and services that you go to for help take on the abuser role regardless of their "good intentions". Structural see?
Sex cravings.. Again Sensitive Skin playing a part in that to. Healthy of course to have sex cravings, relationship cravings. Any vague hornyness turns into the last times anyone of very really intimate with anyone and how the those relationships didnt get to end. They were just stopped. Outside forces. No phone calls. No regretful drunken texts to exes. No awkward bumping into each other on the street. Just people being led away by pricks with authority, by force and the threat of force.
Hmm. Such thoughts are not helping our weed cravings..not giving into them tonight though our selfharmy pride will see us through.. oh thats not the right attitude is it? Maybe I should give the ward a phone and tell them how I'm feeling? Lol. Thats funny. "yeah I think the main reasons while I'm not buying cannabis is because I see doctors as abusers and I have to do what I'm told or horrible things will happen and I'm horny but I've got major reps in some major places and I dont any fucker going near me if they have no idea.. I don't my exes numbers they're all in the states anyway.. fucking networks delete the numbers and the bastards all seem to have settled for gilded cages anyway. Cunts."
"Well we have seen you do lots of colouring and reading on the ward maybe you could do some of that."
Goddam period pains. So glad we hugs from our lad today, so fucking essential.