May 29, 2015

hallucinations and babies

Coming here probably isnt the best idea if we want to eek out that last fews grams but theres been baby's around and we keep thinking about that thing where E,Ps could be programmed to see what they were told to see which meant other parts would also have these preprogrammed illusions and hallucinations.  Although sometimes parts who weren't small emotional parts or new would be around or come forward and we could see what was actually going.  At times this meant our vision was like a double exposure photograph.. At the moment most of what we are getting is when we would be programmed to see particular abusers when in its actually others, people who hadnt been involved for so long, people who hadnt put us through all kinds of extreme torture, regularly for many years, so the newer abuser could use the main abusers' triggers, instil the same kind of terror.. We know it had many uses though and varying levels of effectiveness, some of the tough little kids we are have none of it. Others have no sense of anything outside the worst of the networks and abusers and things like that can work. Not a very pretty world..

..unlike the bathroom which is coming on nicely..

The babies.. think we said early on we don't know how any pregnancies we have had, how many babies lived, how many died, how many of those abortions, how many more clinical ones. But we feel a bit like we a starting to begin to be able to count, to list, a few any way. our hand stroking little backs, or sometimes when they were to small to cup our hand over their backs we ran a finger down the thin skin on their spine.  We see the blood more. Of course we do with the pain we are in, we are reliving them so obviously sometimes.  Today that longing to hold and cherish an infant - 'broodiness' has been hitting us and sensual, visual recall of their little bodies as well as the births.

Some of us weep for the girls that are going through stuff like that this now, angry, bitter tears because this violence often isnt as private and behind closed doors and secretive or not talked about or just in the nonwhites. Its accepted as how some girls are treated and if you down there anyway luv would you mind?..goan.

Others, were just still there in the precious positive life affirming cherished little moments. It was our job to show them as much love and care as possible in whatever short times we had. So many times though some of us started just turning away and prayed to other parts to try and get help to us because they couldn't, they had already tried really hard.

May 27, 2015

very military

its the day to day misery. the hopelessness, the humiliation, the agonies of all kind, the knowing that it was going to be like this for a long time, the being so small and having a body that made constant demands that i didnt know how to meet and had stopped expecting any one else to, the knowing you were less than human in so many peoples eyes including those who made important decisions about everyone, the knowing that people would rather show acceptance to people being treated as objects, inferior lifeform fit for experimentation and murder rather than risk being treated that way themselves. We appreciate its easy to be righteous and say but you have to fight to protect others and protect everyone in the future when you already have nothing to loose. We still couldnt understnd though, I mean look at was going on? what do people think its all fo? How could you think that doing as instructed as best you can everything will be ok?

Very military, in the 80s they were setting things up, organising to smallest detail it was a big operation over years. Next to them our main abusers looked like how our 'dad' looked next to the gangster and telly rapists.  'Rogue' military and high end organised crime - not the best mum and dad a girl could have but at least the arguing gave us opportunities to slip out the back door from time to time.

The Glen was so beautiful when there wasnt any people there we loved it and identified with the way it was stolen, owned, traded and exploited to destruction and found we could feed off its will to continued being when we had none again and again.

 I was everything those military bosses types weren't I valued everything and knew some things could never be justified to the same degree that they executed any means justifies the end with absolute professionalism. We couldn't understand how some people somewhere far away possibly wanting to hurt people who hurt people really badly anyway could justify totally abandoning kind of humanism or ethics. They were officially trained and chosen well to never show any emotion ever except the anger and adrenaline needed for punishing. As kids we were impressed by it, if you hadnt done anything you weren't supposed to you never knew what if anything was going on inside.

Jersey accents? Same types that were around when heaps people were rounded up and shipped over at once.

..weird accents in the Glen..  christ. not tonight.. (OK!)

We were very concerned about the future, back then in the early 80s. It seems sometimes we thought about nothing else when we weren't doing the thinking processes that were ordered of course. It was thinking about the future that would take us out into the hills by our selves sometimes. So undermining of course, when I think I have anything that seems solid enough to be  good foundation for a positive sense of sense the words 'might be programming' and 'might be survival fantasy' are never far away..

We were so worried though and we didnt know if they were intentionally letting us see and hear everything to trick us or because they didnt care what we saw and said because we were officially slaves, everybody knew it and no one would dare to do anything. Other kids said the didn't believe it or didnt't care when we talked about what we were overhearing, some already knew and seemed to have accepted it.

We decided the only way to figure it all out was to separate everything that didnt make any sense out into different question and give our different parts different jobs, different things to find out and would put it all together once everyone had got the answers we needed. A technique that had been forced on us and experimented with. We also decided that we had to believe we were thinking and doing things that were unauthorised and off the radar or we would never feel good enough to do anything.

..feeling good enough means occasionally being in a place emotionally and physically where we could see, or be awake or feel anything. We would get longer moments sometimes though, when we could feel the ground under or feat, smell the air and see the stars and it would our commitment to stay human and to love, even if was just the stars, the air and breeze in the trees. We grabbed those little moments in every place across the world we could.

but to some these moments are not as meaningful as they are to others, they say those feelings are from a someone who doesnt come from somewhere. Someone who doesnt have people. We dont know how to answer them back we welcome as us even though we are a bit scared of them.

May 26, 2015

you start of thinking about incest and end back at radio 1 DJs..

Well thank you landlord and landlord's people, we have a bubbly noise in our ear that is starting to get achy. We havent been sticking in ear headphones in them minutes after showering, we have been washing our hair in the bath because you haven't replaced the sensor in the boiler. And expect a call any month now about either of the blokes who were supposed to have fixed the living room damp patch. Our skills are fairly painting over shit based, whats up there .. way up there.. needs more than paint..

Would like to think the decent moods and motivation thats been around a bit more might help stave of a full on ear infection, we've been eating some pretty healthy home cooked meals in evenings. Tea, joints and biscuits if anything solid at all during the day though. We know that we dont have the kind of metabolism that can cope with that, it feels like self abuse and self care at the same time.. emotional rewards being, not having the pressures & triggers of sourcing/preparing food, not fighting the instructions to not eat well and acknowledging that we are in kind of permanent physical shock, stressed constantly which messes up the digestive system and then of course pain killers and their digestive unwanted effects. If tea and spliffs is what we need then dont self shame, its rare at the moment that we wont eat well later anyway sometimes really well.

But then there's the starving parts that are always crying out for food, eating again after starvation isnt a simple thing, its traumatic and parts that are upset because they know how not eating well effect all of us. Therapist reminded us of little children and how they need to eat regularly and how it felt to be deprived of food when growing up. Guilt of course is an appetite killer, the guilt of feeling that know it is me that is starving them. Rape, especially oral rape and be forced eat disguting things and things forced down your throat, antibiotics, witnessing violent trauma and death - all big appetite killers of course to.. Doesn't matter if we are in a place where we push away and have built steel walls between day to day life and the experiences or now when were are gently breathing through the specifics while channel hoping or getting the kids ready for school, we still find we are getting well depleted sometimes.

Its the domestic stuff that really seems to make problems with food built into the fabric of our being. The abuse at the hands of people who fed you when you were very tiny little. All the years of being forced to sit around kitchen tables with those people, eating meals, like a normal family.


Just seems so overwhelming when we start drawing out the different aspects to it, the parts and what was done to them, over and over and over, the things that we have to do to ourselfs to allow us to eat anything at all.. there might be other stuff we can deal without feeling small and broken but eating breakfast and lunch most days isnt one of them.

Blaming the incest, well its hardly incorrect but incest is pretty handy for traffickers in many ways, people to open doors, administer drugs of course but also because years later you have non famous people to blame all your crippling PTSD on. Rape as a distraction from rape..

We just start seeing peoples faces whenever we think about or look at food options and knowing the physical hells those faces are connected to after that most plans are delayed or cancelled most days. I think on days we do eat breakfast, lunch its not that the faces and the body memories are not there its just that we are stronger and know it cant be avoided. We know the faces and all that will start getting more vivid but we are stronger, motivated, busy and distracted. The posts about abusers connected with support for CSA inquiry are the result. There seems to be a lot unprocessed about the MP and we are not exactly enthusiastic about heading into it and typing out whatever the fuck it is we end up getting in touch with again. Bastard St Andrews. So many of these hells within hells that happened we just come back to again and again, not any stronger, not any more confident in us and no more confident in other people.

As for processing the worst from the worst of the 'DJs' - still makes us laugh out loud..

There is some pretty good motivation for managing something tomorrow though and thats the energy we are gonna need to prepare and start the woodwork in the strawberry icecream coloured bathroom.. scrubbing away and painting over the last of Alkysis from the upstairs bathroom.. fairly emotive.

Will put up pics of finished results.. just a warning to those of you that dont like pink, or butterflies, or flowers., or shabby chic. our Buddha print is already up and s/he isnt complaining.. Really hope there is enough sunshine and we water our backie enough to so we can post pics of all the tonnes of randomly planted flowers that are growing.

..the rose is fine.. lots of sprouty bits..

May 24, 2015

initiating pinkification..

We are excited.

After living here for eight months of living here, five months since the paint arrived and three months since we took down all the fixings, the decorating of the small bathroom has begun.. All those metal hearts and flowers and butterflies will soon no longer be languishing under piles of stuff. The hardest part, getting the ladder/scaffolding in there without death or injury and then getting paint into the worst to reach corners is done. It is very pink. Paint is never quite the shaded expected but who cares when you go from patchy dirty walls to fresh clean paint.  Swear its down to all the extra communicating with the male parts that has unleashed all this 'feminine' aesthetics.. 'Get what you want.' our comfort is theirs..

We didnt know it would all get started yesterday but we realised that when found ourselfs working in the garden that we were in less pain and had more energy.. Its the landlord that is holding up the living room, there is water damage to fix. We will be quite excited about it when it gets going to. There's a big dream catcher wrapped up in a cupboard for it and hopefully junior wont have pulled all the fluffy feathers out of it by the time it goes up. We have a profound respect for native American cultures.. but it was seeing the decor in Skyrim that gave us the idea as much as anything else..

Special Branch coming round tomorrow.

They are tree specialist company that are hopefully gonna take a chainsaw to our hedge. lol..

May 21, 2015

Social & economic inequality without any clothes on.

We really, really need to remember and not waver from the whole never clicking on referring urls thing unless we know exactly where it will lead. No matter how innocent the URL may appear.. There's nothing we can say except stuff like we really genuinely hope you all die soon & suddenly & alone you sick capitalist cunts.. 

May 17, 2015

the opposite of entitlement

Evening dear reader,

we are :-).

Haven't taken any more of the diazepam today, ended up taking a couple more last night. No school run to worry about we were so happy drinking tea and colouring in and thinking and stuff. Dozed up enough that when woke we still felt lovely and move around easier between the pain bouts.

Even after mother pressuring us into selling a precious gram to adult nephew. Not amused.

He was here just after his mum died and hasn't been here since. He looked well. We chatted briefly about the work he has been doing and his gran's new hoose. He may of said something about being happier about her being down here now.. we weren't listening to that, he has a very triggering way put his point of view across sometimes, reminds us of how he would talk about punching his mum if he she turned up drunk and how we could almost hear the nails on her coffin lid every time he said it. We know they do pressure mother a bit to go back up or let the kids go back and she thinks about giving in when her health is really bad.

We arn't wasting too much time victim blaming ourself about not being able to do more and be as fit as she would like for a second carer. It wouldnt matter if we were running marathons she doesnt value us, all those times she let people rape us and sometimes try to kill us was a bit of clue..

.. it helps to remember the horror on Therapists face and how she talks about it being extremely triggering it is that no one in the family has helped out with Laura's possessions, Laura wasn't valued either and couldnt value us because of it.

We're stronger though. A little bit anyway. much more up for banishing her ghosts. Easier to be positive  to about mother and the kids when she is the lovely place her health will be better and we feel like we are getting over the dead sister/abuser in the rain and suddenly finding ourselves in a place we weep with joy to call home.

The stuff that people just take for granted, especially in the West, we totally don't and we cant identify with other groups whoes rights are being denied because the fact that they are an identifiable group fighting for a voice means its not us because we can not be seen or talked about.

So far to go though huh reader?

To get away from feeling that is horrible but natural that for others to advance their position, to improve their lifestyles it will be at our expensive.  Even though we know its now true we still get nervous around people which means programmed subjugated behaviours are acted out and we really struggle to stop them as long as we are nervous. The awareness of  this means we have to stay away from people because we know it will result in unhealthy relationships but by staying isolated we are limited to the family and people that tolerate them.

However we also have less distractions and more time to accept wave after wave of trauma release, body memories and parts coming forward desperate for validation and to have their stories heard and feelings respected, to experience empathy..

There will be words for it we cant remember - the opposite of entitlement. The way it gets inside every part of you. We will have some of the books here but we know their solutions were always unsatisfying or just wrong and we would struggle to read those sort of texts for any meaningful length of time now, whenever it was discovered what we could get out of studying it would always become a priority to make sure couldn't do it any more. Doesnt seem worthwhile to try and push through all those triggers just to relearn someone else language.

 We still take it for granted that those close to us, other victims would be allowed things and receive treatment that we wouldn't and it wouldnt change.. finding ourselves in Scotland in various states of shock, injury or whatever with only pimps and mother on the phone it kind of hardwired that sense of personlessness.


We can talk about DID all day long.


And we are comfortable and dont have to work through pain and all the other lovely thing we have listed elsewhere like the drugs that tackle the constant cycles of anxiety and triggers, that help us crumble the walls between me and me rather than make us incapacitated or delusional or bring about the need for life saving trips to emergency rooms. And the goddam judgemental bastards that were sometimes there when we came round or had gotten rid of whatever it was had to be gotten rid of but I didn't take any of the drugs the forced them all and never agreed to the rape its not my money I'm not a prostitute please help


We have fluffy blankets, a ridiculous amount of telly and on demand disney films and puss cats and a fridge with food the space is ace and we have a boy. he's healthy and happy and doesnt get taken away by men in suits or women who say they work in jobs to keep children safe but are actually the opposite.

And we have you, dear reader. Whoever the fuck you are who we are not as scared of as we were.



May 15, 2015

Hello lovely drugs..

made the trip over the river yesterday, very successful but very expensive.. very glad. Getting the free bus travel that we are entitled to would be worth it - will be very uncomfortable making appointment, and getting through whatever and whoever is triggered in the appointment which will probs only last minutes. But the potential that could do our heid as someone whose travelling us mostly been very controlled and on someone else's itinerary .. to have free travel. Think about what means..  Drop kids of at school on a day when mum is up for picking them up and keeping ours over night.. Scotlands our oyster .. yikes .. 

Tricky. Of course. Would it be self abuse, is it active processing? we have always had big strong sense that the talking was essential but so is other stuff, creative, occupation stuff would be equally essential. We still break at what we got a taste of but was denied with the Drama. Such a stigmatising word 'inappropriate' and the whole 'your poor little mind can only one person helping you at time thing'. We are plural ffs and we cant all be reached from the one room.. lots are though, the way we are getting more and more comfortable with a wider range of us coming forward and hanging around for a while in the room with our therapist. We didnt think we could. We are.. :-)

We are pulling away from the colouring in and the scribbling. The DID sketches though we could maybe do more, clay would be good and it will happen. But not know though. Why not? Today is a duvet & drugs day. It was a long night, restless that way someone gets when the hours of darkness are shorter. A energy that is so stubborn. We just want to run. To loose any sense of where and when. Just us and the hills. Maybe some of the walks they had us doing. Anything that didnt involve rape or nakedness we were up for and applied ourselves the best we could which led to pride sometimes.. and the prevailing sense that the only people we ever really appreciate us and our skills are military/paramilitary .. 

Do not worry dear reader, there are currently no feminist, socialist armies recruiting in our area and we  are really not up for trying to start our own just yet.. Speaking of politics.. do you think we should approach our new SNP MP.. its not Hosie anymore.. would sticking pins under my nails be a more constructive and less soul destroying use of our time? 

Picked up our repeat prescriptions so we are stocked uo on co-drydramol, gabatenin, inhalers, citralapam and the usually very temporary little tiny box of diazepam 2mg.  Weepingly grateful for them all. We've been concerned recently bout the ages of the littles that are surfacing, about the physical crap that is always going trigger really badly, about what the fuck is going to happen next and how some parts wont know how to deal with that.. 


Once the military & intelligence lot had finished with us for now we were thrown back into the organised crime gangs and families,  the VIPs that are really just violent criminals with media connections.. We feel its probably time we started think more about the states. Being stuck here means its mainly the British stuff thats triggered and processed. Some of us are found the nasty Brit intel prick that snared at us and told us it wasnt their choice that I was trapped in the UK and we know he meant it but arnt sure about the rest of the 'community' and their bosses. 

The nature of the relationships between the US and UK at the top high end that really made the decisions alludes us a bit. We start falling into all the illumanti bullshit traps - the partly true mythology that protects the criminal networks that run almost everything. Keep It Simple Stupid.

Very hard to remember that though when your trying to figure out if people prancing around with newborns on spiked poles is real. Yeah it was a puppy sometimes and there was rubber things they had made up but sometimes it was real. the intestines, the mess, while other people hang around. Some with glazed eyes and flushed faces singing, chanting or saying something, others were so white they looked like they were standing corpses. Sometimes it seeing the white faced people was the scariest thing and some would hate them for it. We can see how the cycles worked so well parts had been forbidden, severely punished for communicating with each other so they had was the cult or whatever the fuck it was and who it was that was around them.

Talking to yourself was not allowed.. They always covered the walls, sometimes it was outside and they used hoses or fire afterwards. We see Savile among those over seeing a lot of the light of day clean ups, but we always see ourselves, watching them calming, organise and joke knowing there was something wrong with our eyes.  I knew I wasn't seeing everything that was there but there was a part of us that did but we were struggling to achieve co-consciousness so we could see what we were programmed to see and what as there at the same time, or one after the other but without an amnesiac break in between. We knew we could do it at other times but couldnt do it now.

Whatever it was worked out, lots of police often but not always then it would be discovered that we had worked it out so a new system would be forced on us and we would have to start again from the beginning. From knowing nothing.  Literally not having to watch other people use cutlery to remember how to eat

We would like to try and write more with you in mind dear reader.. Slightly.. its not east and we are sure that if you are capable of appreciating anything, you can appreciate that. When we say things like 'a new system was forced on us' it means that we were raped and tortured day and night until all the existing day to day identities were either split into emotional parts or had to hide away and have no contact with anyone internal or external other than their appointed abusers. You know the faces of some of these appointed abusers if your in the UK and US. As we said yesterday when parts of our identity are  happens they take everything with them, in terms their understanding and memories with them. Whoever is formed or forced forward in their place has no idea what's been going on. Wouldn't always work as they wanted. Sometimes they bring out a identity that would cause them more problems than the one they were getting rid of because it was one that had previously been put down for learning and causing problems.


It is some comfort that there are definitely some that make it to the end of these posts and who didnt come directly from a porn site.. 

Yesterday someone was thinking about Savile talking about his 'American friends'. We knew there were already 'friends' in American and wasnt sure if it was any of the same ones. It wasn't it..

kinda feels like come back in a couple of years for the next instalment of that chain of traumas though..

most be time to take more drugs..surely?



Strange and inconvenient truths and wondering if I wrote this..

Mother has a new place to stay, its closer to here, a bedroom for both the kids, outside space , done really nice inside. Stone tiles in the kitchen ffs & no chickenwire glass. Doesnt make me love this place any less just makes me wish we were further on with the decorating. And wish we owned here and/or could do more than just paint it.. Its a relief to know the bairns are that bit closer, they all will be so much happier their.

So much feels like it has been processed. We feel like we are getting a break a bit in the surfacing it seems right now. The vivid unravelling of relentless trauma has slowed down. Physically it's been pretty bad for a few days, sore, exhausted. Therapist cancelled and we were quite relieved. Some us wanting to push forward but others are weeping with exhaustion. Its always very difficult to be honest about some of whats occupying big chunks of our internal life especially if its to do with something that feels like it might be ongoing in anyway. Emotionally ongoing especially. Sometimes naming the fucker and spilling out whatever is on the surface doesnt result in a sense of closure. Its leads to deeper layers that are arnt opaque as they were.. 

He was hurt so much. Nasty racist shit, connected to some of the really violent and fatal rape porn traffickers and producers. they wouldnt leave us be.

Walked and smoked with pretty decent dude today. A bit terrified he would make some sort of move but we always are of course. We know we do not want and are in a postion to fall into places where we there is a total split between our feelings and our actions. To be spending time with someone and thinking non stop about someone else the whole time. 

We can see the times in the past when we thought he was hurting us and see how separated she had become from anything outside of the life abusers chose for us. We cant see how it can be possible that we can somehow 'know more' that would undermine what we know and feel at the moment. We can't go to google to verify something that comes out of networks of wealthy high profile people involved in networks that rape and murder people.

And the bastard images we do find refuse to contradict it. Just leave us shaky. Knowing that if he is an abuser what with the money he has and the persistence of the denial he must be really really bad and we cant think that without hearing a calm clear down to earth us voice saying 'he isnt'. Who then starts showing us the faces people who we have no problem with pointing at and saying 'he's an horrific abuser' and know from bile in our throat, the tension in our shoulders and every other part of our physical self that we were right.

So much horrific programming is triggered, we cant get to him, or figure out whatever it is from here. But the constant pulling of the need to know as hard and as sure as the need to stay unsure pulls us back to switching between amnesiac and non amnesiac parts without question, without trying to sew together any coherent sense of who we are and what the fuck is going on.

Dude. I need a sign.

Obvs this post isnt about anyone British. S.C. FFS Weeping into rabbit stew. It just keeps getting realer.

Did Anne hate us for it? Or rather, does she? But his hugs we just the best and he always talked to all of us, whenever he could. He was a slave just like we both where. She said she gave in and wanted to do the best for herself and work with the abusers.  We thought it might kill us at the time. But he was still there.  Of course we know how manipulated things could be. If they hurt a part until they hid that part didnt just take the bad memories with them they took everything. It was and still is so hard to trust anything that happens internally and of course our interpretations of whatever we perceive.  It became impossible to know when you talked to another kid if whatever they were saying, if it was them or because they had been forced to do it and didnt mean the words at all. Everyone was different people inside.

All we can do is bloody wait. Try and make ourselfs as comfortable and as healthy as possible and do our best to manage whatever the seasons bring up. We get stuck. Sure. What we find away out eventually making sure we destroy all the routes back to it whenever possible. Cant see whats on the other side of this and that does make us feel alive a bit, sometimes.

Sometimes, a lot.


Too much bloody Disney.

May 09, 2015

Election Migraine

Felt so badly for the English left for so long. Amazing inspiring social history but that's not the heritage that's promoted.  Now we have turn outs in the 60%s and 'Labour has become too leftwing' being repeated in working class accents like children saying lines in a school play.  Its not a new though.  The betrayal by Labour interns of tolerating and courting corruption, abandoning its ideals and history makes it a nonparty for us. It should split. At least the Tories tell you they are going to screw you first. We smell the kind or worst that happens before things start dramatically changing but we would wouldn't we were up in the yellow bit, with higher turnouts where socialism isn't a dirty word.

Migraine that's we've been successfully dodging eventually caught up with us.  Possibly helped by the misery of the exit polls, the excitement of the SNP swing. And the bottle of wine. And the non impressive 'pollen'.  Headache was awful but had worst the vomiting though. Eesh. Lost all the red wine and then some yellow bile.. Elections always trigger that searching for signs in colours and random daily events part and her highly programmed assistant. Less healed, earlier parts always around more when there is big physical distress of course.

We are feeling what can definitely be described as not cynicism.  No one expects the Tories to fight for the people they have always punted that good business trickle down BS. But the whole New Labour/Savile thing was almost too much for us in lots of ways.  There was more and worse being pimped out than during the 80s.  Maybe just worse because we were older and not prepubescent anymore the dissociation works differently and they used different methods. Maybe just worse because its fresher and less exposed publicly. Scoffed pretty loudly at a 'no choice of real CSA Inquiry with the Tories' tweet. Any hint of people politicising it makes us suspicious. Such and anti victim anti survivor  anti truth thing to do.

Jeez what a mess we are in. Soo weak, wobling about on our legs.

We once told Therapist that post migraine is like post earthquake internally. Dust has cleared, nothing is recognisable, just rubble. Everyone wondering about in shock or switching between states of shock and early painful awareness. Whats the big change? Therapist would say if we told her about the migraine and the rubble.. More parts and the start of identifying parts rather just reverting to Shrugger and We dont do names. Starting typing that it was a relief but it is actually more scary. We are heading to a place we have not been before. We have always known exactly what was going to happen. Its not like when a part with a lot of understanding and ability to communicate with other parts comes forward for a while. This is permanent stripping back of the stuff we had to think, do and feel because we were completely abandoned to networks of well connected wealthy abusers of the worst kind year after year.

Its where we want to go but its also deeply scary.

May 05, 2015

Bad, useless or dead.

Back to this then. Its been around for a few days, pushing its way past the weed. The irritability, the plummeting self esteem, the constant edge of tearfulness and the sense we will never be safe, never find and keep people who we are ok with. All the words and acts of hate from ourselves and others from the past are a constant bottomless presence that refuses to be analysed.  We felt so desperate last night looking at the stalks and scraps we had left, knowing what was coming.

Still we have gotten stuff done in past few days, after 8 months the kitchen is actually starting to feel like our own and we are not just saying that so we start to believe it plus the living room has a floor again and is that much closer to being decorated. Thinking maybe the break in pain we have got near the end of the last few cycles might possibly be stretching. Its back and nasty today though but its not as bad a feeling as being terrified and lonely because the adults trained loads of kids to hate and hurt us while all the other adults we know are bad, useless or dead.

As much as we go on about DID being pretty amazing we do hate it sometimes to especially the way it doesn't matter how much processing you do and how hard you work sooner or later you wake feeling exactly how you did when locked up in some flat or whatever, with years of rape, violence, hunger and exploitation behind you and years of rape, violence, hunger and exploitation ahead of you.

It doesnt feel like it means all that much but we did notice a kind of readiness that the we know hasn't been around much for a long time. There wont be much gladness about that, it means more details, more devils..

Think we messed up again self care wise and its contributing to the current stinky cloud.  We get so desperate for positive, validating human contact and we know that will never be without risk so we rush into things ang ignore fears, going to be in miserable mess anyway, thats just what its like, we have to accept the triggers and the fear or we will never feel any better..

We understand of course. But when we in a mess because we were exposed to someone or something that we maybe could of avoided its hard not to feel some anger. The rings where i was number one victim, our family here in Scotland.. we can see how some of what it felt like to singled out for extra abuse, to be victimised by victims has been triggered by CSA activists and activism partly because we were programmed to keep feeling that way but also because all the abusers, relaxed and above suspicion and untouchable due to state and criminal contacts who will continue keeping the language retro, keeping people focused on the much smaller pictures and bravely fighting public battles that they know are utterly unwinable.

Feeling better now, really does work articulating issues necking gabapentin like their sweeties (exaggeration there, we loose count after 1) and our new lap top table is ace it has a wee round dent for a cup,  room for side plate and an ashtray.. :)

We think sometimes about going drug free but we are not there yet, so many years of being denied comfort and denying ourselves comfort its unlikely to be anytime soon.  Its not like our battered conditioned trauma riddled brain is going to be clearer without. The pain anyway. Our body is screaming that we have just be raped and they have left the objects in there when the last time was years ago, we are not in a place where we can hug or mediate that away.

May 02, 2015

cupboard clearing

She used sex work to fund the drinking sometimes.  Not sure how much when she lived away. There was one in particular who would hassle me when she wasnt around. There were times when she would try and push us into it. She was busy with baby 'just go with him'. There were rapes of course. We were in various dissociative states and were vulnerable. Particularly to the sort of guy who doesnt mind picking up a very drunk teenager to for sex while her distraught little sister was left with a small baby.

'Sex work' or 'being raped and then handed cash that someone else would take of me' as we called it wasnt exactly a opportunity it was easy to fall into. It was compulsory. If we started tomorrow to be in public places out drinking and talking regularly its quite likely that people would show up and start trying to force us into it again, using drugs, violence and manipulating and bulling people around me.

Still amused in our grim humour way about the MP tweeting people shouldn't pay to watch the boxing because its enabling violence against women.  I mean, where do I start? ..

Boxing in particular, which is of course about nothing else but violence against men and is so completely inhumane on every level that makes it a blindingly obvious example of how uncivilised every nation that thinks its culture is some how more progressive and impartial than its victims.

Rose Cottage

  Doing little things in the garden, love it, know their is a philosophy of gardening that's all about controlling and mastering nature but it feels more like a buffer between our world and out there. Bought a rose bush today, or at least it will be one day hopefully at the moment its a couple of sticks in small pot of dirt that we paid  fiver for, its name was 'Perseverance', deep red if it ever comes to life..

A small Japanese Maple to, mum used to have one during our twenties that some years got so glorious it would trigger our talks to plants parts and we would dream about being it..

We noticed it before when growing weed, we get real sense of straightforward healing from planting seeds  watching and waiting for the roots, leaves etc. Brings out someone who calms so many others, they are very timid when the gardener comes out like they are scared because she/he are easily scared of. Its so much warmer with her around. There is lots of awe for her, she's core and can be very powerful against abusers and helping others  but she's been very badly hurt..

..It's a they, a mother and daughter from when system was simpler.  A fantasy to distract from everything, a mother and daughter who lived in house in the middle of a beautiful forest. It took hold and became very important to us but the people who had to hit anything be had that made us feel better found out about it.  I heard them argue or question, even beg the ones giving the orders, 'C'mon can we not leave her with something.' We she tried to listen to the answers she couldn't hear, or the words stopping making sense before they reached us. Sometimes we heard because they were more the simple words used a lot and they were said loudly and clearly.  It offended us to the core but we got desensitised to that over the years.

Not that we are repeating those words now.. Why not? Part doesn't want to. But she's not too far we are not too scared for her. Sometimes they hold onto details like precious treasures. We understand we have been there. Staggering out of some war zones, ears wringing, disorientated, amnesiac, dust in eyes, nose, covered in blood you dont know if its your own or not and clutching something very tightly.  Can't look to see what it is. It could be mangled remains. Could be everything you are going to need. But we dont and cant let go because whatever it was we saw fit to clutch it tight in war zone. If we look we will know. There will be no more pretending that it might be something nice. ..

We wont be able to avoid responsibilities we are not ready for anymore?

Its loaded with programming of course. As we write this we can see and feel us in the past. Sitting usually, in the backs of cars, sofa's in their houses, holiday homes, our beds, their beds often. Using there quiet voices. Holding our hand. Telling us which of out parts are good and we should do as they say, which are bad and we should ignore or hurt. The levels of awareness, understanding and perspective varying in the moments and over the years. Body changing, rooms changing, their faces ageing but the parts they like to talk to the most stay the same. Still being bullied into making the same promises.

Clearing though. With less anxiety and before, that whole 'this is to horrible to be real, too horrible to deal with' feels reassured. Not that its not terrifying. Its just terrifying in a different way. Without the mystification there's is no longer mortal fear of something supernatural but there is violence. Violence. Extreme violence.

..that only trees and nature and stuff is able to listen to us talk about or can be trusted.

so they cling to their details, their bundles, holding them tighter as more and more weight is added and the war zone never ends. They only reach out to the trees and the flowers and only the abusers can reach them.

The first answers we always get are that we wont get anywhere with speaking. Not to begin with. Need something like some of the better stuff that went on it drama therapy..

some of us might be able to research and figure something out with Therapist.

..someone is very happy to have their clipboard up and functioning..