November 30, 2014

Goddam Press

Not wanting to cut. Just weepy so we are here with Pinky Pie and a duvet more House on Netflix colouring books on standby.

Works doesnt it? The talk of children's toys and colouring. Childlike behaviours means we can't be trusted and makes you feel a bit ichy. Good old fashioned 'otherness', adult rational, child irrational.

Obviously not in a place where headlines bring relief, a sense of light being spread on the darkest corners of our society. Just triggered. A well planned beam putting whats outside that directed glare even further into no where land, a pitch blackness as thick as soup. More mentions of Exaro on our timeline, another unfollow.

Buckingham palace, the possible murder of a Scottish bloke stuff like that doesn't just 'come out', there is total control in the media over anything vaguely relating to Royals and the high level white abuser networks. Stories are timed for release, worded to cause anxiety and hopelessness in victims and survivors.  Sources and publishers carefully selected, money assigned, careers arranged. All this as far as we are concerned was negotiated between the big players and their pets back in 2000/2001 and decades of meetings and power struggles before. Lots of programming to keep everyone in line with little chance of even seeing possible alternative directions never mind actually coming of the rails. Lots of torture for us to make sure the stuff in the press doesn't cause us to get in touch with parts that can really talk, with better or total recall or can contact outside people that would make us feel better, stronger.  When this is in the papers, these parts will follow these orders - making sure we remember nothing that results in useful disclosers just flashes of building fa├žades, corridors, agony and hopelessness. Triggering terror, weakness and that creepy dei ja vu.

We worry about suicides with every headline and what is all ready and waiting for people who come forward without the rhino skin of of having done so before.  There is still little if any genuine support or challenging of the apparatus of corrupt police, charities, mental health workers and the general heartless ignorance that keeps survivors down. People are being triggered and asked to come forward, needing to believe its true when they hear its different now, that they will be taken seriously that there is appropriate support available and there will results. If your name isn't on list to be used as an example of how things are different, or if you didnt make a deal with them then you will be let down same as always.

 Its a dangerous time but its during the dangerous times that there is really any chance of getting off script of something unplanned by the top ring happening, something that cant be managed, something real.  We said and thought all this after the Savile story broke but nothing changed as far as we can see, doesn't make it any less true now.

Good luck, keep breathing and I love you humans with humanity.

On  more positive note, thanks to the Gabapentin the curtains are finally up! Ta dah! And the mirror also made of mess of putting up the hooks for the backdoor but not to worry will sort it out when we decorate the kitchen. Gabapentin not quite enough to stop the need for weed though. Only weed does that.

November 28, 2014

Lego Captain Jack (rotten, rotten through)

Think we better try and write it out rather than going to bed with cutting urges.  The butterfly coat hooks is up! And looks fabulous.  Not enough to distract us from the the mystery of the missing lego Captain Jack. Which is isnt a mystery. Conrad took it after him and his associates inserted inside me and then he took me upstairs and raped me in as painful positions as he could manage before dad came in and stopped him. Beats him joining in like he used to.  I know we have gone through all this before but we obviously haven't processed it enough and need to go over it again.

 We were left on our own switching on our bed in wee room and got the pieces out, thank you parts that handled that. Dad washed them as he has washed countless objects on countless occasions over countless years. Cant get the timelines worked out. It was the earlier occasion when we hit Conrad on the head with a small hammer as he walked down the hall and said we would kill him if he came back and he said they would wait until after I'd finished decorating to come back. So we are thinking he must of come back upstairs after talking to my dad and he went back to work because we remember him saying 'thought you said you would kill me if I came back'. Before he picked up the CICA application that was on the windowsill and threatened my sisters and then my life when that didnt get much of a response and told us not to talk to the Jersey Inquiry.

We thought they had gone and the 'hey we survive anything' part that doesn't feel pain was forward, practically bounced down the stairs and into the kitchen then stopped dead when we saw Conrad. We stood firm and told him to get out.  He picked up the lego man where my dad had put back on the kitchen work top where we had placed it originally before it all happened, we had found it and knew our neice was keen to have him back. No wonder, it was lego captain jack.  Conrad said he was taking the lego guy think he said something about why he was taking it not sure, we weren't hearing, didnt process his abuser talk beyond the word 'you'. We would be triggered by its absence so we guess thats why he or they rather deciding to take it. The rest of them must of been hiding out the back.

When dad got in from work he asked if we were OK. What could we say, except 'fine', he did the same during the days after and hugged us.

 My niece kept asking where her lego man was in the weeks after. We were amnesiac, but amnesia doesn't always stop anxiety, depression and pain. We felt guilty like it was our fault the lego guy was gone, because of this blog. The pain, our mood in the months after was predictably awful but the CICA got posted as long term readers will know and we did speak to the Jersey inquiry. Parts keep wondering if they were involved in Laura's death three days after speaking to inquiry. There is a few unanswered questions about the night she died but that doesn't necessary mean anything. Like one of the CID women said they might have given her a bit of a push but its not like we haven't been expecting it the way she drank and then stopped often without help. Me and Laura had even discussed her death no one else in the family did and apparently she did disclose something to the police one of the times she was picked up but they didnt say what other than she wanted me to have the kids.

On the night of Laura's death we were talking about my family and my history with the police and told one guy to ask dad about the lego captain Jack once he got in from the pub, to see if that got a reaction.  Hours later the guy asked us 'What did happen to the lego captain Jack? It got a response but no answer' so we told them. We had already told them that the last times we were raped was 2009 & 2010 and told them about this blog. But maybe the time on the stairs and the hammer was 2008. Not sure but it could be worked out, recalled if needed.

Would be pretty awful if we have the wrong guys in all this wouldn't it?  Whenever we wonder that we remember how triggered we were by seeing Ian McFayden on our TL and they way he responded when we ignored the triggers and @ him, just like the way we were when DMing and emailing with Conrad. Its their faces, they bring up a whole heap of horror, different parts pointing to the same cunts.

CID said they would be back, I think we discussed in about six months time at the wake. Usual though, dad isnt going to ID them and we have DID and a history of whatever they fancy to make us an unreliable witness and we would have a lot of powerful people and organisations with a lot of real sick fucks on the pay roll.

Yea we do feel a little bit better now.

November 26, 2014

No one is free unless everyone is.

No one is free unless everyone is.

Then why watch the porn when you dont know or care how it was made. What happened to children to put them on paths that gratify you when their hairy bits eventually grew in to be shaved off again.  How the directors and producers pressure, blackmail, drug and steal to get whatever they want.  How they started us very, very early, telling us 'this is what your for, someone has to do it.' You like to watch strangers have sex, everyone does it, its an evolutionary thing,  for all you know they do get pain and are allowed to say no just like your boss takes no for an answer so what's the problem?

No one is free unless everyone is.

But you dont care that your anonymous masks trigger people who were hurt most by the systems, organisations and individuals you claim your fighting, people that have a lot of insider experience and knowledge about those systems and individuals. Your camaraderie means way more than us being raped by  people wearing the masks long before of you were called march in your millions in them to intimidate the people that put me and the rapists and those masks in that bar at that time with those orders.

The people you know are your friends you trust them you know them of course they mean more than a victim like me who you dont know and is isolated from ever knowing anyone enough to trust them enough to tell them what we went through and whats going on now. You trust who you trust so cant take us seriously when we say that there are many you cant trust and there were representatives of state and corporations present at anons inceptions and drive many of its aims and activities and always will and there is tech around you cant image. But good luck with it all anyway.

No one is free unless everyone is

You want to challenge child sexual abuse but if a victim says your sources, your allies, the public figures you want to lead this fight who are in a position to raise awareness to get something done have made deals with traffickers, have committed horrific attacks as adults have consensually signed the secrets act have handlers you would rather believe them than us. Because they have reputations, public reputations. You say you understand that abusers come from all walks of life, not just Tories and creepy DJs not just men that they put themselves in position that put them above suspicion but cant tolerate an accusation against someone you like or just happen to know.

You know the press is propaganda, that its controlled that its heavily censored one way or another that the BBC is run by military intelligence and full of sex offenders but maybe not that those offenders were trained in rape, child abuse, murder and mind control and and we dont mean by saying things that aren't true on TV and radio but real mind control the kind involving torture and extreme trauma but no amount of us saying so will stop the BBC from being RTed into our timeline or will stop you watching Newsnight or Mock the Week or going on the Newsnight or Mock the Week or taking BBC contracts.

No one is free unless everyone is.

You know horrific things happen to people that are invisible, by people who arnt and people who are and they are protected by skilled and powerful apparatus and the prejudices of the general public and that the police and press are corrupt but still you take nothing seriously without evidence but evidence is impossible to find or provide if people like me are not taking seriously when the press and police are corrupt and inept.  How can you look in the eyes or read the words of a 12 year that has been raped uncountable times and whoes baby she bonded with inutero because the baby was innocent and would love her and would loved to be loved by her mother and found a world that was good and the opposite of everything she knew in the eyes of baby Rosa and her siblings in the moments they had alone after birth and between the attacks because she was strong and just kept breathing before eventually the abuse was fatal and it all happened in her bedroom and her parents told her to go to school the day after and then say 'prove it' and believe that you are not also an abuser.

No one is free unless everyone is.

But you care more about your privacy and 'wage' slavery than the actual slaves that make your entertainment and whose invisibility protects your world view. Easier to blame a state or Rotheschilds, Rockerfillers, Westminster, Zionists, Tories, the military industry, patriarchy, racism whatever than examine your own life choices and your own entitlement, to consider that most of your sources were written by slaves in rooms full of people typing what we were told between warehouse rape for your porn, between murders to fuel your theories between cooperate meetings because they use us to spy and cause our intelligence was useful and formidable.

Easier to blame a new world order than study history, study the history of Western cultures and the history of history to see there's nothing new about it expect the connectivity many of us know have gives us a chance to challenge it like never before. The 'New World Order' could us being heard, could be you being all you can could be us all shining light on everything hidden but cynicism is much less risky that breaking out of your tight little groups where you feel validated and safe and seeing you and your friends tastes, your likes and dislikes for what they are or what they might be. Easier to search the web to distract from your own desperation to continue to be anything above the bottom rung. At least your not me at least your not them.

We are not the 99% because we are not counted.

No one is free unless everyone is.

November 24, 2014

lovely to be in body that is not tense from jaws to ankles..

Well the hoovering is still undone, the butterfly coat hooks and curtain rail still on the floor but we did meet a GP who seems pretty decent.  There wasn't any problem in getting up because we never slept.  She had  friendly chilled out manner and understood that there probably isnt much point in putting myself through exams that will be very traumatising and still find nothing wrong.  The scan back in May was fine so it might be best to focus on pain management.  We pretty much agree. Although Therapist has offered to take us to a gyny examine because she knows its inappropriate for someone with our history and DID to go through something like that alone like we always have in the past.. Its extremely difficult for us to trust the NHS anyway because of all the time spent being abused in NHS premises by NHS staff and seeing what they were doing to peoples records and during procedures. We are a long way from completely believing any test result and don't feel there is enough known even if they are genuine. She gave us some gabapentin which we are pretty sure no one has ever tried before, asked if the abuse ever caused infections (yes), gave us some diazepam with the obligatory 'we dont like prescribing these', understood that when she pressed on our tummy that it got worse after she took the pressure away and knew the latin term for heat rash. Impressed we were..

More of our amazon xmas delivery. Is it wrong that we are intending to keep the two playmobil flower fairies for ourselves? We've got the spider monkey other bits and pieces, not sure she is all that into playmobil anyway.. not as much as we are anyway!

Commented on twitter earlier about how we like Mr Men and used to think they were made to help DID kids.  Told therapist once about a wee memory from one of us, she wasnt with the cold Scottish family. She was somewhere else, dont know yet about what ever bad stuff was going on connected to that time, place and people. We just remember a woman who was looking after us opening a kitchen cupboard and asking us which of the Mr and Little Misses we were today then getting that plate out of the cupboard to put food for us on. Whoever the woman/family was they weren't as poor as the Scottish family.  There is some safety connected with it.  It would bring up lots of mixed emotions when we see Mr Men stuff. We remember that feeling of acceptance and validation of being in an environment when our plurality was accepted and being encouraged to engage and allow different parts out regardless of their gender or mood.  That never happened them with Scottish family any more than it does know. Of course anything that brought us warmth had to be stamped on so the 'that's not for me its too nice',  'Im not allowed that' 'we cant afford that' soon became the biggest response when ever we seen any.  Hate those inferior feelings but now we can challenge that so effectively with a few pennies and a couple of clicks.

Looking at stuff online today, we've wish listed a mug, DVDs but most importantly a lampshade which we think may well help us with our not wanting to spend time in our bedroom, with all its fresh paint, new carpet and cool stuff on the walls..Its too grown up but a Mr Men and Little Miss paper shade that will be sorted. Not like we will be taking any lovers any time soon! No shopping or weed this week though and not much next either. Bloody money its a stinking racket.

Think there is sister issues probably hanging about in her old room as well. Increasingly concerned she was getting 'visitors' and phonecalls not like it didn't think abut it before but it brought up so much fear that we couldn't consider it for long. Keep seeing one of the fuck ups we have named in recent months here, particularly when we are near some of the door ways. To some thats us seeing Laura's past, to others its a possible future, to others that's just entirely predictable and natural paranoia/fear of trafficked DIDer.  Whatever its source, we know feeling close to each other and as confident in our self is the best way to deal with it. Not that we are not scared, certain faces in or near our home or voices on the phone could put us right back to amnesiac, dissociated and physically very weak states but all that stuff works easier if you are already hating yourself for being victim and don't believe you are capable of defending yourself.

If some shit does happen, we will put as much of it here as we can, once whatever will happen with the police of course. After everything that happened and was said on the night of Laura's death we would call them, with concerns that doing so is part of a horrible scheme but not enough to not reach out.  Providing we are in a position to do anything of course..

..and we would be.. ;-)

Fuck it 'viaduct'

It's unlikely that people who are also triggered are going to get this far but we don't intend to mess with you with our titles. We believe trigger words lose their power to cause massive anxiety if they are talked about. Sometimes we have to blurt out the trigger to get away from muteness so we can write anything at all...

It was a Moyles and his crew thing, his show has some game or something on that they called viaduct as well. Not that we listened.. No part with any kind awareness of anything could be programmed to believe they would voluntarily listen to that shite. As Rosemount viaduct was between Aberdeen Uni and the blokes that gave me weed we passed by it and saw the sign often. Everytime for a while we would here them "yes we have a thing on our show called that, how would you know that if you don't listen?' Then the flashbacks would come. It never really stopped we got better and worse at dealing with it but the same horror would still be there is walked past Rosemount Viaduct tomorrow. When we lived just up the road it from it in 2002 it was the 2001 Torry stuff that would come back, when they stopped us from dissociating, what they did to Petey, the murder of the bloke that tried to help..

Have we written this post before? Think we tried but not sure if it was published, abandoned as a draft or deleted. Even if we did publish something no way it was as easily written as this is.

Stupid bloody pain. Been biteing and pinching to try and distract from it came very close to burning several times but we feel so crappy when we deliberate hurt ourself. Been hearing screaming to. Have label the morning alarm 'phone doc. Please' hope it works, we get an appointment and are given something that will give us a break. All three things happening seems a bit unlikely but none will if we don't phone them in the morning.

Actually a lot more tired than thought possible considering the time we got up at. Still don't want to close eyes and feel parts replaying good sex to distract from excruicating rape & torture memories and coz they are lonely and miss people desperately. 

All that watching House has thinking about Savile and the hospitals. Waking up from general anaesthetic in settings that seems like normal hospital, recovery ward. What the fuck did they do to me? Was just being sewed back together? Objects extracted? 

November 23, 2014

'a title that isnt an obvious trigger'

Feeling pretty good. Caught up on some sleep, not during the night of course.. Junior woke us after 10, remember telling him to get himself some breakfast then closing our eyes just for a minute or two. When we opened them again it was half past two.  Looks like its been a nice day to. Not the junior minds obviously or he wouldnt of let us sleep all that time. Have vague sense of smiling as we heard him chat to his ds game in between non traumatic day time dreams..

Had a couple of littles/less educated parts writing and scribbling last night. Often feel wholer and less anxious after. There was also an internal commitment to let littles out more and readiness from more parts to engage in therapy more. A little more crumbling away of the wall between the internal and external world. Less 'we cant do that', 'thats not allowed', 'we are not allowed' and the solid white mute fear. They are ready to try EMDR and others are ready to let them.

 Feels very liberating to look at scribbles or be aware of mind contents and have a much better understanding of what the fuck is going on. Not just  thinking I am a bit mad or knowing that it makes sense on some level I am not currently conscious of, which usually means ongoing involvement in ancient dark secretive shit that 'I' am not think, speak or write about without outside instruction.  A bit better at being able to identify different parts, not the level other fabulous DIDers on twitter can do but thats just coz systems as unique as individuals. We seem to have levels of co-consciousness that others dont, thats why we dont get the black outs to the degree others do.  Programmed for different functions, different aspects of victims personalities that may jeopardise operations that had to hammered out, turned against us.

The human centre, that was great at resisting programming, grooming and internalising that we were writing about yesterday was called 'Nature' by some, after an external friend said that humanitarianism was our true nature.. although 'militant hippy' seems more accurate to some.  She wasn't an EP we remember her being around when the body was little, she grew older, learned, developed. Until some point in the early mid 90s.  She must of somehow come back after Ferris abused beautiful baby newborn Rosa to death and Coulson and co's 'You will always be 12'.  Thinking about it now it was the 'you will always be 12', the Dream Team and their military intel support stuff that pushed her away. It just took a few years.

We cant elaborate but the award given to Blair by Save The Children makes us think/remember that Save The Children should be investigated for being riddled with and/or run by abusers as well as the NSPCC.  Its chilling now to think of child protection charities being run by people who participate in the activities that their charities are supposed to be challenging.  Remembering how that felt as a child though..  How does one move on from that when the individuals, organisations and institutions involved have not been effectively challenged or exposed when we are not in a position to do anything and there are no systems currently in place that can?

Pain has gotten worse since we woke up but we are not beating ourselves up about it.  Just swearing lots when we go up or down the stairs or have to bend down.  School day tomorrow and will need the time alone so he's going, hopefully but not necessarily for 9am... Looking forward to getting some of the stuff we didnt get done this weekend done tomorrow.  We have a butterfly coat hooks to put up, a curtain rail to fix and might even start putting up some of the big pile of nature inspired wall stickers that were bought coz they were cute and cheap.  Generally not a fan of writing on indoor walls but have you seen the Dr Suess ones? OMG..

Saturday Night

hey off all the trigger phrases & manipulated thought process we have in our heid this now thats the best we can do..

With therapist the other day, she has asked a few times about parts causing the pain and if its possible to ask parts to stop.  It always feels like its not like that, like that is a simplification way too far.  We have said before that its programmes, you cant 'talk' to a programme. It has to be instructions, steps in the only language the programme recognises. You can shout 'off' to a computer all you like but its bloody stupid if the thing doesn't have any voice recognition or that function has been turned off. or the thing isnt even plugged in. Its not good to ask parts who have no idea how to cause pain in the body if they know anything about it, makes them feel unknown, confused. The parts that can do stuff like that, if any dont respond from questions from us or from a therapist, they are not personalities, they are operations.  Completely created by the worst torture and control experts and teams, completely out of our reach.  

When we were challenging it when it was ongoing we found that keeping human, loving trusting ourself, our heart and intelligence, staying centred on warm feelings and hopeful without total denial but accepting that some denial was inevitable. It kind of relates to what we were on about the other day, the co-consciousness of simultaneously feeling the innocence, their simple thought processes that never learned no matter how much the same people tortured her, hearing her words whilst knowing exactly what was going on but being unable to communicate with the innocent simple parts or the outside world. It was obvious the stay centred, stay human, stay smart approach worked well so they separated me into an understanding that cant move and upfront parts that cant process experiences and have very low IQ.  That too is probs an over simplification but doesnt feel wrong.. at the mo anyway. 

 There isnt any recollection of ever getting back to that strong place. Ever.  We were most likely getting love, compassion, affection, respect from outside sources. We kept most parts amnesiac of this so there was less chance of them talking about it at a time and place that would mean it would be destroyed.  They found out though, eventually. There was no more warm centre but there was a lot of hate and rage that we did are best to direct to guilty parties and not other victims or passersby. We did a not to bad job, we are here writing this after all.

Back to the pain, which hasn't been there so much as we have written this.  There is a big strong sense that discloser, detailed discloser will help with the chronicness.  A lot of wariness of that because of the abusers therapists, police, jurnos and others that encouraged detailed discloser coz they got off on it. One of the many aspects of  the myriad of grooming and exploitation techniques that whacks us in the face whenever we try to move forward, like standing on a rake but there doesn't seem to be any where to step that isnt a rake.. *drags ass off couch* SMACK

Therapist worries about how much the pain means withdrawal and isolation. But so does our need to mourn, to slow ease parts away from the frozen in terror, to just think, feel, remember, process in peace. And so does all the crappy, brutal and ignorant culture out there.  And the fact that we are so often a bairn and it feels so unsafe to be around people.  She also said she was concerned with the stuckness that there has been this year and concerned we didnt feel sessions where'nt therapeutic.  Hope we reassured her that having someone there for us is massively therapeutic, even if she is frustrated with the lack of apparent progress!

November 20, 2014

Happy Littles

Little, sore but pretty happy. Pain is hardly a surprise since yesterday the woodwork down stairs wasn't even preped but has been painted since about 10 last night.  Its beautiful.  Going to be even more beautiful when stickers, hooks and everything is up on wall. Gonna tweet a couple of pics when its down and say 'Can't believe we live here. 'It' 'hur' lives here .. and not just kept here..'
Put in that big order the other night.  Its the bairns first Christmas without there mum, want to make sure they feel loved and keep them distracted!

Mother agreed to keep wee man for another sleep so we can stay little or whatever, thank god! Not that we said that was why we wanted her to keep him of course.. Said we were really sore and kids, school uniforms and sticky gloss paint not a good combo. There is wood between floor coverings between rooms that was dark stained and paint splattered. Already stood on the kitchen one in socks twice.  Cant afford any more paint for like a fortnight.. Darg. On our own without coz our mate is a postie and you see them through late November or all of December. We are going to have to negotiate the ladder/scaffolding all by our little self. Yikes. Gonna be so amazing.

November 18, 2014

Love the good bits.

Camping out in the living room again. The temporary curtain pole came down before we have been able to coordinate ourselves into fixing it.  The bedroom is too perfect. Too ice. Something not quite right.  We will get it more lived in when the time is right.  At moment we need the telly and the comfort of a decent sofa without the triggers, pressure and anxiety about going to bed.

Our little cute little castle town is coming along lovely, its charmed quite a few littles, all of us seem to using to practice patience with varying success..We've made a list of Christmas presents for the external bairns, more than we can afford but we have seen stuff and Amazon disappear before and we wont have to think about Xmas for a good while..Its all stuff that we have thought about and want to give them, nothing over a tenner but quality little stuff.  Think it will definitely make us even happier to actually check the list out, it was lovely choosing stuff.  When it arrives and wrapping it will all be great to and we are reasonably sure our choices arnt too off, hopefully.  Something for us to of course, a forest fairy. Also eyeing up vintage moterbike adds.. yum. Externals first with the shopping this week though.. :o)

Happiness is good.

Moving forward with the additional info for Jersey statement.  Good progress, taking it easy on our selfs.  We need to explain the voice in the original statement, that means explaining our DID. We also need to answer the questions she couldn't answer at the time about our back ground. Of course, the additional information for the 'abuse on mainland' and 'abuse on Jersey' sections is not an immediate concern.. A fair bit more processing, acceptance, mourning, hurting etc., before we will be producing any coherent approximation of events.. It's there though and so are the parts that can get us through the worst of the horrors we return to when the thickest of the amnesia walls come down.  They had to use their worst stuff to break apart our strongest parts. Getting in touch with them and the best parts of us getting in touch with each other again makes the memories survivable.  We know we have to get through it. They are so worth fighting for.

Gonna buy those presents. There is talk of finally starting to finish the downstairs.. we shall see.

All is good. If a bit understandably wobbly.  Long may the weed last..


November 16, 2014

Do not read lightly..

It has continued to be a bit of an onslaught. But we at kitchen table. Jazz radio on. medicinals and coffee in hand. All the horror memories are starting to link hands because the parts of myself that hold them are reaching out to each other. The is lots in the joins between the worst that was and still is positive.  Obvious to see we have levelled up against denial.  Its rock solid entirly necesarly denial some of it though so we wont know how much there is until we get through it if ever do. The pain shows us so much it doesn't gloss over or get distracted it just give it, as it was, as complete as was consciously experienced at the time.  A time when there was no numbing, or amnesiac switches, unless it was wanted by them though.  The fuck do I call them. They said 'owners' 'masters' 'pimp'  and whatever of course but we don't use their terminology. Decades of media, state, crime, intelligence supported organised efforts to experiment with enslaving whole familes, areas, classes of people, industries, whoever they wanted makes from some really sick puppies with lots of time, encouragement, freedom and resources to specialise and flourish.  There wasn't much being trafficked out of the house at the time in 2000-2001 that is never far from our day states.  Some names already mentioned. Some not.  Wasn't in any state for being painted and dressed up, it was all about pain, being repeated told how by them I was an object, their object. Not human, and had to agree to saying that and repeating whatever they said and do whatever they said no matter how disgusting, painful, degrading. Trained like the dogs some of them trained for fighting, fucking and slaughter.  When I was taken out our flat it was to places were there was crowds of rapists, all drugged up on some horrific shit. Paying each other and making bets about what they could or couldn't get us to do, what they could get each other to do. Telly faces, crimelords, porn extremists and whoever I had stupidly talked to, smiled at, or thought kindly of. There was a check succession of them in small groups, paid for the access and know how, skills set. Struggles of course between the worst of the sick fuckers with the usual scenes, usually winning until it became obvious to a whole other bunch that yes they really were going to kill me and it eventually got quieter after lots of money crossed from human hands to a system that made us, and the McCanns, and Jimmy Savile, and the Corrie Cunts, and ALL those DJs.. And Leon Britain, And Cyril Smith, and a whole buch of other stuff that if you are looking for 'evidence; out there and not on here you wont of heard any mention of any where.

November 15, 2014


Bloody buses.  They do they job in the end though, even if its possible to cross a half the planet in the time it takes to pop in to your pals in the next town..

Ended up having a some food, wine & smokes with 'mom'.  Wasnt too bad. talked about how there is only so much of her daughters stuff I can go throw and/or bin my self.  It was when we said 'what do I do with her red shoes' that we got her attention.  She suggested we have a night when she and the kids go through what we have left. It sounded lovely at the time, the bairns shouldn't feel like we forgetting all about their mum. Now its later we are thinking that is cool but she is avoiding spending any time with Laura's stuff, her space on her own, childless with us.

Shes not particularly triggering us at the moment though we are not seeing enough of her and when we do its mostly associated with childfree hours ourself.. We are triggered out from pain, trauma processing and being an intelligent female who is aware of popular culture.

Back to having a laptop. Mum has one but held on to this one for a while, for the kids which was fine. We had Laura's house & contents to sort out so wasn't volunteering to go through her C drive to.. seemed to have done enough for decent functions atm.. Not gonna treat this one like its a wad of paper that can be chucked down or stood on. .. much more space now to.

Apparently, this came from mum talking to Psychosis the other week, Dad has been taking time of work and not getting out of bed.. and the bairns dad told mum that he seemed to have forgotten the phonecall with mum where she told him she didnt want the kids going up there for Xmas day.  To many of us have spotted to many of them bullshiting to often to really take much of it to serious.  We are getting though the rawness and

Obvs relief that mum was firm on something..

A bairn is for life not just for Christmas.


In therapy and during moments when we are relativity self aware and feeling strong enough to not dissociate, deny or rationalise when triggered.  We dont ditch each other like we always have. Integration'. not in the parts merging kind of way but in terms of amnesiac walls coming down without if causing system failure, panic attacks and amnesia. Been close though! So much fear. Feels so fabulous to get a break from it :-)

Never sleep again

Nightmares all last night.  Not the utter terror kind just the excluded from society kind, was refused service in Tesco and think saw a murder, or murdered earlier on in the night, other stuff to we cant remember, all disturbing and unsettling.  Been feeling weird this evening, awake REMing which isnt too big  problem it often soothes us except for knowing that my brain is hiding heaps of serious shit from me and it wont all be related to the past.  All that programming, not just about how we remember and our ability to talk about the past it also aimed at controlling future behaviour at specific times in very specific ways.  There's been tremors and twitching with associated intrusive memories too, revolting stuff. Someone's terrified of Children in Need after show parties.  Someone feeling guilty about how the tremors and seizures were used by abusers to aid their gratification and they maybe faked them sometimes to give them what they want so they would go away again. Someone cant bare the dreams and nightmares and wants desperately to never sleep again. Someone is asking for help in Italian.

Hate how the pain stops all activities, stuff we want to do like keeping on top of house work, decorating, getting on with the Jersey statement.  Worst of all is how it makes us feel so distant from Junior, all the normal day to day normal fun parenting stuff that is so much harder or just not possible.  Hate how it puts us back in the same place, feeling the same hopelessness, writing the same things, over and over.

The bairns tool of a dad is down for his monthly visit which kind of scares and sickens us, only partly because it means the spider monkey goes back to treating us like we incinerated her teddy bear blanket.  We haven't but when did wash it for her after we found it covered in her mum's bloody vomit.  Her dad didnt. Coz he was a job and finds things difficult.  Prick.

All misery and inactively maybe transformed tomorrow if the promise of the usual works out.  Then we will clean our big kitchen then sit at our table with Alkysis's old laptop and write, some jazz or blues on the radio and smoke away all the bad dreams.

November 12, 2014


Still not any further forward with the pain. Makes us feel so little and desperate. That earnest and honest little girl that is in so much physical pain and knows without any doubt that what people are doing to her is very wrong or the wrong time. She can't understand it and believes if she told the right person the right way it all would stop and she would be taken somewhere safe and looked after properly. She blames herself when she tells someone and nothing changes, must of used the wrong words. She can't believe that when people hurt her after she asks them for help that they choose to. They must be controled by all that government/gangster stuff. They must be programmed. Why else would anyone do that?

We remember where we were when we realised that no one was going to help. When we switched from spending lots if time as that honest hopeful child to one that trusts no one and expects the worst from everyone.  Who cynicaly protects herself by keeping a naive amnesiac part up front so people didn't know that we knew. We did a lot of thinking and talking there under a tree on the edge of the wood behind the house. Must of been around 1986. It wasn't summer but it wasn't winter either. Spring I think. 

All respect to people who function with chronic pain. Not something we have mastered or want to because of all these of having to block it out or carry on doing what we were told to do because we would be hurt even worse if we didn't. And it was already unbareable and all the time. 

Must be sickening for kids living lives like that now that are aware of the inquires. So hard for them to ever believe things will change or that they are valued and cared about. 

November 10, 2014

Why give it away?

It's really hurts some of us when parts are able to share how much we have talked. It's easier for many of course less intellect and learning involved in talking than writing. Too some it feels like giving in to sex that isn't wanted but that's what we are for so that is what we will do. That sense of being less than so it's important to give the grown ups what ever they ask for or no one will never want or be able to help us. So many parts are just not able to come out to us programmed to never show themselves unless we are talking to someone who appears to be listening. They don't understand they are part of a system that wants to help them and doesn't want them to be hurt or exploited in any way again.  They are so lonely, so scared, so desperate to go 'home' where it's safe, loving and no one takes or plays with us.

It's an effective technique, certainly with us anyway at making us too depressed, too hopeless and defeated to be any threat to anyone. I would be given what I needed and wanted the most. For a little while. Then it would be ended as easily as it was handed to me but with any chance of it being rebuilt destroyed. To show us the control they have over everyone. To make it impossible to trust anyone ever because we can't handle any more betrayal. Can't cope with any more loss. Can't survive seeing any more people being chewed up by a big sick violent and untouchable machine.  

..proper convinced on soo many levels that we will never have any serious, good relationships, friendship wise nevermind anything more intimate. Partly because we are hurt so badly by common attitudes but also because it's impossible to meet someone and feel as well understood and safe as we did with someone who had been picked and trained into making us feel just that.

Who the hell is gonna what to get to know a DIDer with a history like mine that isn't a sicko or fully briefed on what to expect? 

What could we do together? Films, sport, music. Mostly out. We could go for walks and I could share whatever is triggered. Listen to me talk about my mother then go to her's for tea. They could introduce me to their friends and I could tell them I can't remember who my friends coz that information was drugged, fried, cut and generally traumad out of us and we suspect are real friends we have had have been murdered or weren't really our friends at all..

What are we suppose to do with 'Sorry's? Are they some sort of code? Or trigger? Or just an admission that we are all pathetic little pawns being pushed around by hands we are kept to dumb/scared/greedy to spot. And that bad things happen. So it's better those bad things happen mostly to other people. No point in risking bad things for you and your own when bad things will be happening to people like me and us who were considered past helping before we were born.

We want it back. All the explanations we have given about what was happening to us, the who the how the why. Not for the inquires but for us to see how hard we fought to stand up for ourselves and other victims.  To prove to our doubter parts that none of it was our fault because we were too damaged to ask for help. It was other people and the fucked up organisations they take part in and the rotten cultures they reproduce that was and is too damaged. 

November 06, 2014


After the stuckness with the Jersey statement recently things moved forward last night. Weed. And all the effort we have made over the years to understand what was going on so I could limit the damage, to figure out and work towards organise ourselves into something that could figure out a way and then do everything that involved. And the new setting and all the changes that is brining, positive stuff and becoming much more confident in our system and it's stages. ..

We have talked about going to Jerset with Savile, La Vell, and know there was others via small boats. Little fishing ones or leisure boats, aeroplane and of course there is all the being hidding in cramp dark places and being transported ans being pulled out cramped and nausous. 

But there is also a strong association of being transported in bigger boats with lots of other people. People known through all the various abuse and crime networks. Victims. People denied voices and documents. Care kids.  People labeled mad etc 

I get flashbacks about when I think about Eastern Europe, WWII. 

They said we were nothing, scum, our bodies there for whatever others wanted of them. We were its. Not human. We would never be believed but do not talk anyway.

Lots of rape. porn. Training in horrific shit, being forced to train others in horrific shit, lots of interrogation and torture to force us into agree and behave to do stuff in the future. 

I remember staring at the broken up tar that was on the rise from the rest of the village. I saw it to and from school when our playing and know everyone from school, from where we used to live and others to were being marched past it and people were being murdered. It was real.