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Showing posts from December, 2014

December 2014. Still.

Not long.. apparently..

Hope so coz the house needs cleaned. Would be great to get it done by the new year because January sucks for people in general but for folk who are over their heads in trigger dates there are whole other levels of misery and of course after January comes February.. Hope to spend it nicely medicated and stop feeling guilty about being 'altered' we are never more 'altered' than when our blood is clean of anything, what with the PTSD, the programming, the triggers and the knowing.

Some of us will never believe you are coming back. The rest are frozen. There is just rubble and dust here how are we supposed to build anything with that? We are too busy scrabbling about for day to day survival.. Whilst feeling guilty for having things so good materially. We can afford to buy wine and gas on the 29th, or rather we have cash to buy wine.. Debts are truly insult to injury.. Oh sweet ignorance, wouldn't it be lovely.. If the only thing that would bri…

Bright eyes.

Ow.

Its quite sharp at the moment and has been for a few hours. If it was a shape some of us would say a big curvy blobby orangey red, others spikey in cold blues and white. Others think yellow because of its association with cowardliness. The cowardliness of those that caused it  more than the weakness it causes in us.  To 'me' at the moment its the colour of his skin, its the ache of a phantom limb, the weight of how it feels to be bought and sold, to be less than livestock. Its the pain of being tortured from infancy and still being able to bond and knowing how that bond will need to be destroyed by everyone around us from those than gained the most from slavery, to the managers and fellow slaves.  They all saw us as something that can not be. Every second of love, of pride turned the world charcol grey with hate.

It's so far from over. How can we let anyone near us after knowing what it felt like to be touched by someone who knew us and looked up to us.. Someone who w…

Named another fucker.

Weeping. Pointlessly and continuously.

Winter fucking solstice.  Its only to be expected. But those words dont come from a safe place or a caring person they come from ring members, telling us what to expect more importantly telling us what they will say when we meet them when we trying help ourselves, when they are in their day time postions in charities, police, counsellors and therapists.

Remember that politician in St Andrews. Him and a bunch of others standing in the door way, telling me not to talk, not to name him. We said 'OK' I think, feeling quite strongly that of course we bloody would. Physically I couldnt move but mentally and emotionally I was fine, the scared parts were well back. They looked like such a bunch of pathetic tools. Whatever had just been done to me and whatever was going to be done didnt change the facts. They were proper low lives no amount of careers, money or supportive contacts would ever change that.  I'm a decent human being. They are cu…

December 2014. Post 1.

Hey Laura,

Thank you again for the house. And the furniture, the lap top, the kindle..

I'm sitting here at 9 am on Monday morning with a flat blim and a brandy hot chocolate coffee, the kitchen is an unspeakable mess but have made good progress in here and the decorations started.  Left pabs with mum. This cold has kicked our ass. We knew last Christmas that this December the annuaau dropping of the made up front to hide the trafficking and all signs of it would be particularly well .. dropped.  Haven't done any actual work on the actual paper collage we are working on with Therapist but the internal one has come on a lot. One part in particular was around for a while the other night has a fairly comprehensive understanding of where she comes from, who did what to her, how she changed and what she did to get out. She has a linear understanding of her history..

She is not shocked by remembering, by the details like usual day to day parts are.  She has such an strong unemotiona…

:-(

Gabapentin not working so well..Watching CNN.  British news showing disgusting politicians taking about some middle class bull shit.  I hate being choked.  Who the hell doesn't?
I'm so not an adult. Our tough parts are faked but sometimes is was people who cared that helped us fake.  Used to think that to, its being filmed, thats proof. But it doesnt matter.  Things determined by systems way before anyone alive today was born.

More pennies though but think the buying stuff has brought out self denial parts to stop us feeling like we are a person who is entitled to anything.  Cant do this alone.

But has been better memories handled better, accepted as the past and slept well last night, managing the school run happily and on time. Not sure if it will be the same tomorrow morning.

Kinda need weed. Getting that destructive, lashing out feelings when we have not had for weeks. Spoke to him yesterday though so thats better than phones off the hook or going straight to voice mail.

'Mummy'

Fabulous Gabapentin not so fabulous today. Pain pretty bad. Well it is the first of December and yesterday was St Andrews day.  Someone posted something about the St Andrews cross looking painful we just scrolled on, wishing we answered 'yes we can confirm that' or blocked them.

No work on statement tonight not after last night which pretty much forced ourselves into it and then dissociated, in a 'shit where are we and where were we before that' it didnt last too long we have a just below the surface part that finds that shit amusing because it challenges the sense that we are just weak, lazy and making it up.  It creeps some of us out but it also helps avoid anxiety which is kind of a life saver.  Inquiry have said they have said they are going to send on the details of the support. What a laugh that will be.

Verbalising today. 'Mummy' Seeing the murder of young girl. When I had one bed on one side of the room and another, think that makes us about 14/15 in 7…