August 19, 2014

We will see

I want to be there I just don't want be there alone and I can ditch the wake. Would like to be there through whole thing with a heap of support but hey.

 We made a joke with our therapist once not long after we started seeing her and were still figuring out boundaries. I asked her if it was possible to rent her for funerals and weddings then wondered off briefly thinking about what a good therapeutic service/business opportunity that could be.  She seemed equally amused. 

Next time we see her is the day after the funeral. It's been awhile. Need to see my mommy!

Oh god I'm back in a place where Psychosis seems so obviously the current main abuser in the immediate family. We're remembering instances of seeing her talk to Laura in such horrific ways and at times and places I wasn't prepared for, causing nasty dissociations in us. When we were little and in recent years too.  In front of other people though it's always been me that's the point of her hate. With the odd bit if sisterlyness thrown in that just unnerved us anyway. Emotionally blackmailing everyone else to go along with it. Bringing in abusers and punishing those who talked.

Dead nice and friendly to lots of people to though and great with kids sometimes.

..Christ I wish we were a family that had enough money for a burial plot. So I could push the sociopath in after Laura.
Screaming something appropriate..

Genuine sympathy for mother. And maybe a bit if irony that the only daughter she has ever been able to say goodbye to is the only daughter that will be there for her.

Mwah ha ha

August 17, 2014

Things we are mostly not going to say to mum..

The bridges are burned mum, they are nuked and the land on either side too there is nothing to build on.  I will not be there. I will not take part in the line of family members who put her in that box and shake hands with her friends and her son's friends who all have gave her a wee shove along the way. The support there for me will be you, maybe gran and an aunt or two I haven't seen since the last funeral anyway and me and my DID are gonna need more than that. If middle sis sees me getting any support anyway she is likely to make a bee line to piss all over it any way.  There will be far too many sexual abusers, bullies and enablers there I will not feel safe and will be terrified for wee man what with his abuser probs being there. 

I will not be there because it's expected. People also expect children to not be fucked by family members and forced to drink and hurt each other.

I know we have talked about this before but I think you are going to have to come to terms with me not being part of the rest of the family. At the moment I feel like  I need a year before I can be in the same room as any of the Aberdeen lot. I understand you can't handle it when psycho starts getting abusive towards me but comforting her and listening to her and her hate while I am left alone has only ever made things worse. People also expect to be able to discuss finding a sibling dead with another sibling, less than a week after the event without being  dismissed with sarcasm and indifference. We all cope with loss in our own ways and it is out of respect for your oldest that I say that psycho is not my sister and that man is not my dad. I can not stand to should respect for someone who is dead with a bunch of people who had no or little respect for her when she was alive.

Maybe we can do our own thing once the rest have fucked off again.

August 14, 2014

Later sis.

:-) xxx

August 13, 2014


Going to have to be careful not to launch into the mother of all feminist rants against and in the faces of the adult males in the family over the next while. Particularly around the funeral. Not that we know when that will be she hasn't had her autopsy yet.  

The police are being as silent as you would expect considering the particular Scottish CID dept that are dealing with it or not really dealing with it they haven't said anything to the family much since the night. They were alright then though. A young lassie in uniform first then nightshirt plain clothes. 

We were a bit lost, really struggling with all the details they ask for.  We thought the bloke was doing some obvious sussing out staring but it's not like we had any need to hide anything and was in too much shock to do so any way. He was a local lad by the accent probs not that far from our age and said it sounded medical, particularly after mum and the adult son came back and pretty much repeated everything I said.  We didnt really think about it much at the time but we are very glad now they weren't obviously familiar or abusive.  

We are not sure if she knew what was going on before she died. Mum talked to her that morning and she wasn't making much sense. She hallucinated badly the last time went through withdrawal after a major bender.  The neighbour who was with her the most and brought flowers round today said one of the other neighbours said she had walked into their flat and was sweating, then she said she was going for a sit down outside. No one tapped here that I know of. 

We ignored the buzzer the first time as you do in someone else's flat and when bottem door is never locked anyway.  The second time was a bit more persistent though and we ended up looking out the window.  Some of us knew straight away. It was Alkysis though. It's not that unusual to see her lieing down and impossible to wake in inappropriate positions and places. Still though. 

I saw the nice neighbour crouched down and a bloke from another flat hanging about and no other souls. Just a bundle that looked like what my big sis looked like sometimes. 

They were asking her name when I got down the stairs and had put a dressing gown and something else over her she didn't have her bag, coat or glasses. I knelt near her the rain was pelting off her. I'm not going to get into describing what she looked like. We said her name and touched her face but pulled it away again almost instantly. She was so cold, so dead.

Nice neighbour said she had seen that she was breathing one minute and then couldn't any longer.  The poor woman is in pieces. We hope to see her around.

The ambulance was there in minutes. I stood with the nice neighbour, ran up to get shoes and a coat on. Don't know how long the van was there, bouncing a bit. The standard amount of time I guess. When one of crew came out she put her hand on my shoulder and said it wasn't good I said I knew. She said I should get to the hospital as soon as possible but we couldn't  and we knew. She was gone. Not just Alkysis 'gone'.

Our dad, the kids dad and her adult son came down and left together taking the spider monkey but leaving the wee lad who is getting on with big little man anyway. Regular readers will know we don't exactly cope well with Alkysis and the serious drinking, lies etc but I've heard the son talk about hitting his mum over it, the kids dad and her own dad were not much better. None of them can put kids needs before their own for a pissing minute and of course not offering us any support as the only one who was here other than BLM who didn't what he was told and didn't move while I was outside.

PsychSis is making her way back from the states where niece has been getting treatment. Glad both the girls are over there and away from all this shit. 

Not surprisingly we are not feeling any anamosity towards the remaining sis. They were always much closer than I was to either of them growing up. I knew it often wasn't good if I saw them wispering together, which was often. She will be devasted.

We are feeling bit better after a proper cry yesterday.  There's going to be lot to figure out and no one has any money, not funeral cost money. We are hoping the blokes end up leaving me and mum to deal with the kids in the long term to be honest.  Espically what with us feeling from pretty early that it was misogyny that was lethally poisoning Alkysis long before she was old enough to be sold alcohol.