June 29, 2016

Give me a break. Im in a locked psychiatrict NHS unit. There is no Wifi..

June 18, 2016

what next..

I need to get home to Versailles now..

June 16, 2016

Fuck You Vatican

We know no contact and no news does not know that no one wants to contact us and that there is no news. We also still know we are alone in Britain and all the worst antihumanitarian shit is untouched and ongoing. We can still feel that Reading station. Just like we were programmed to through ids that still stroll in and out of BBC, NHS and/or government buildings. We were kept there tied up a lot. It's Britain. Keeping high IQ children drugged up and in various kinds of metal boxes, putting explosives in them that will go off if they are rescued or sometimes, just gently held is what all industries and officially sanctioned "creativity" just like the US.

The U.S is bigger though. There are much more resources of all kinds. It is possible to find people who will listen, who will act, who recognise the only borders are between people who acquiesce in such total control and total fascism and those who don't.

We could hear them last year. We knew there wasnt any more children in boxes of the basement of Nasa buildings any more and we didnt blame them when finally got another Sonny out. Comedy Central's. The horror U.S networks and the British slavery enforcing masonic police and organised crime are always very, very close.

To see new to the clean up CIA destroying the brains of a group of christ what can we call them, I'm sure militarly me will have some very specific terminology. Hard to call them humans when there is that much tech in them and that much near and far control..They put a sheet of transparent plastic over us but after what they did that day and depending on what they did next they could have Quine tech privilidges by now.  For a moment we could be.. they asked us if there was explosives in them we said "and worse. If you see terror in us its not a rape or DID programming trigger Sir it's cause they are riddled with all sorts ..and there's rape and DID programming."

We always love just sitting and watching as information, skills and technology are being shared between people our evil overlords who rather never met never mind sharing everything they had with each other. If shit like that keeps up they are doomed.

Another pile of corpses that look like Radio 1 DJs but we all knew that the DJs would still be with their "families", never left their "work" and were with "friends and associates" the whole time. Chris Moyles and his pair, Spoony and his. That should be the last of their decoys though. Not necessarily though. Ah this is Britain it's me they design those places to keep us out of.. yes while also forcing us to stay here..

Wasn't normal day to day life for the new to this or newly awakened CIA they were varying from pale faced and speechless, to obviously dissociated, to pukeing his guts up. Never apologise for puking your guts up over this shit Sir, everyone experienced concurred. You have no idea what sound means to us. How hard we have all worked for that mess you've made there..He got a pat on the back and some words of encouragement from a passing Italiano. Seemed to work as well as that does for us.

Pale was sitting on the road next to a colleague.

"Dude did you get how to help dissociated colleague training?" We said and nodded towards his colleague who was obviously dissociated to fuck. Sitting there listen as mother fucking CIA gave each other umano anti dissociation aid. So fucking wonderful. I wasn't the only one who had to employ some of those very seem techniques to get through it.. We didnt them to see the state we were all in over it. Their faces, the cloaks they came out for under fine whatever, the state we were all reduced to over the new umano CIA, no, look away Sirs..

Obama on the blower. Nae bother. Hilary or Trump people we will not be willing calling or taking calls from either of that pair they are the same fascists, half dead, institute program. Exactly the same shit will happen. Exactly.. "Your taking Milne now yeah?" We could feel the enthusiastic head nods he's the president though so its not like he could not get even a partial fucking brief. Showing long term FBI Louise Milne got the same faces I got when we banged on a van full of guys who knew us as an American Forces friend and sometimes boss after walking out of a Royal residence..

All those fucking years, all that surveillance and the FBI didnt know what the Quine's actually looked like or who they were actually related to. Thats just it "all that surveillance" They were searching for us. They would have me and Louise searching for ourselves. Sick. Cunts. It's devasting for the FBI too they who had be told to find these children at any cost and given budgets.. Poor buggers.

Not. Happy. People.

So good to finally say to Amanda and Katrina after we picked ourselves up and reluctinatly left the field.
"Girls see that group of Feds over there taking DNA swabs. Much sure you let them swab you, actual you and give them your locked in box Scottish name."

Off they casually strolled. When made like to then wisened the hell up and stayed to assist in the following bloodbath which might of been the or at least one of the longest running gunfire battles of the day. We had just a signal to one of the Feds who were all alive bar for one who wasnt there anyway to cover the table in their lovely plastic see though sheeting. Jokes over that of course as we scraped, wiped, rinsed etc ourselfs off about ffs girls did no one else think to bring clingfilm? While we individualy all messed up to the shit we were carring after collectivly agreeing it was probably best we didn't. But it was bloody good we did.

The Feds would of noticed us all switching. And certainly noticed as we were forced to hand to hand our self defense items over to masonic scum while Feds who were about to take DNA when it was possible to ensure they only got theirs. Quite a moment. Trina did the wise as fuck dumbed down thing with one of them. Giving him repeat samples because the guy was saying their was multiple donors. We did our best. And certainly made a pretty good job at swabbing every kid any of the three of us came into contact with here in Scotland.

Milne out the fucking country, the attacks it triggered almost entirely contained. Almost was enough to demonstrate the effects that shit has on us.

There has been times when there was kids in those boxes and CIA/Nasa Nazi program carriers across the British mainland and the Americas installed and showed their plants and tolerant locals who to use and maintain them..

Might just be me and Pabs left now on that extreme end of things.


It was shame the field had to be cleared so quickly. In any other country it would of been possible to preserve the scene longer and let more folk see. They would have to make do with VT. Someone complained about it to us and we agreed but said that this was the only place in the world where all these old well protected well cared for human coders and dissocation experts . ould agree and it be agreed they would all be sent to at the same time. He looked shocked. Yes I might be here Sir but remember how the masons and the rest have kept all information from getting any where and its a fascist stronghold of course. The hospitals, the schools the government buildings have never been cleaned. It never stops and their will never be any intention of it stopping. The stations Sir.. the shit that is being blasted at me and shit the stops us from reaching our friends or collegues" We motioned towards him took a deep breathe and continued. "Our comrades. Its untouched. They just turn it down .. or up.. depending on what suits them."

We turned back to admire the field. "Easier .. possible for you to know more know though." all splayed out in by nation or language. Amanda kicking that guy's head off. How fucking marvellous that was. Too marvellous we got quite distracted

Jesus imagine if this was Italy or somewhere hot and not bucketing down. It would stink in seconds.


We completely stand by our comrades declaration of land war to start a year from then a year ago. But I think that's quite apparent.

June 15, 2016

ever decreasing circles eventually go pop

Yeah we will most likely be coming back to all that.. Mental. The fucking whole fucking world has either declared war on you UK or refused the fight against us and you are all pretending it isnt happening or wont effect you..

We've remembered what we found when we peeled back Jon's face.. Someone had been here before, once as an adult an once as a child at least but no obvious sign of physical trauma. A lot of effect for a trafficking network to go to.. or was it attempts to keep him out? Lizzie said she didnt know but like she could talk but me and Margerat always find a way. Oh yeah that fucking voice in our head saying "Russian" .. did the KGB say they were missing someone and feared the worst. Dude I'm more Jewish than you are.. Vlad shared the DNA profile. Oh thank fuck.. yeah Putin eventually being able to talk to the KGB and vis versa is kind of one of those "oh we might not always be slaves things" .. but it will take fucking years..

oh my god.. all those files...

Goddam British Nazi breeding programs.. ah well at least I've remember who my mum is and that is fucking cool. She's fine. Her head's fine, she fucking mental but thats fine she's our mother she has to be mental.. She's Janice. She's still Janice.

Here you go. One picture of me and living family tree which I still can't see fucking all of. Bits at a time. But still not all. Taken in Tuscany. What a jolly family joint that was..

We gathered the coffee shop around and opened the picture. There was nothing but gasps, swears, the sound of dropped crockery and the sight of blood draining from faces.

Eventually. Everyone is sitting down. "What the fuck am I supposed to do with that?" He's searching for something in yiddish we can tell but he can't find it. We did though. It's not currently translatable.

Sir you how there is issues everywhere with DNA and DNA files and we do have files and databases we you show you but its really hard for us and would result in a security nightmare for yourself what with the masons and all.. And youve been really respectful because its obviously not just me that is fucking this shit up for people and besides you cant get near any of our systems anyway.. Well we thought we should show you this as an example of what we are dealing with here.. My friends... and you know who I mean by my friends don't you Sir have really encouraged me to share this you and start opening up our systems to show what else we have..

I hadnt puked yet but we were starting to dissociate really badly. Breathe out. and continue...

It's not getting to the bottom of things thats the issue here Sir. We have all that. All of it Sir. It's always been getting information out to the people who need it safely that's been an issue but is going to become much less of one..

We were floundering. I put myself momentarily back in one of the cages, in one of the metal boxes then back to the present. Oh this is ridiculous.. Back to basics. Who or what are speaking to here specificaly? We thought of our most clear headed bro and squinted at the fucker.. ah ok thats helps.

Trying to sound as we had but moving towards being more confident.

Sir are you aware that we got everything out of the Vatican we needed.

Much better. He's wasnt looking so confident now. We knew the routine he would act like he was taking it all seriously say some good sounding stuff then go of and order us to be killed. We knew this system Sir. Come on. I've been in your lecture rooms you fucking trained me yourself. Individual's don't exist in systems like though. We saw who was approaching and who would be given the order and we were physically cringing at it. Ah well. At least we don't need to have the "yeah about your boss" conversation with him now.

It's alright I'll deal with it. He was up for it though its not just that Sir he's riddled with tech and explosives and we need teams of people to deal with sort of stuff. Another portable incinerator down. We left with our arm round a dissociated CIA guy he sounded about four as the Russians and Koreans playfully argued about the replacements programming while the Chinese explosives people looked on in dismay..

As we were leaving the replacment started joining in with the banter in Scots and triggered us badly but we were leaning a pile of smiling parts so that helped as did hearing teams explain in English to the replacement how fucked the masons were. They volunteered for that shit. To not exist and be nothing but like in an chain that sought to keep down everyone. Our guy cackled fabulously when he heard and asked if it was all true and all we do was dissociate and nod and say yep..


We left Jacqui's before and after head scans for her and them to find in the basement of Woodend. The lab and theater someone built for us after the last one was blown up. Where we did some very fine work, right below where they did some of the worst of theirs. Someone wrote fuck you Jacqui on the light box between the scans. She told us she got the message in session but also said didnt believe the scans. Either off them. Hard not to smile when a long term destroyer of the human spirit tells you it doesnt believe you performed surgery on it.

No you wont. Even if someone if turning up the make Jacqui believe dial your not going to recive it. Dont worry you still have all your programming. It's just that if they want to contact or eliminate you they can do so through conventional means. You do know it was your mason police friends who organised it dont you. The same that took you up there to see it.. you do recognise that as something that they do or at least is done. To take someone back to the site of trauma and gloat and trigger someone.. Your no use to them now. You were supposed to fuck up me and have completly failed. And your a women.. And their masons.. Or at least that's what they thought anyway they are all victims of very serious mind control and brain damage and are very easy to manipulate, particularly if you know their triggers because you were forced to be there when they installed them or if you are very experienced with this stuff and could figure them out..

The DNA records Jacqui. Thirty years of different kids being sent to school or the doctors being told they are the same kid. Everything the NHS has done we recorded and it is all save.

That was the one she really didnt like. As we left Milne walked in and it had been indeed quite a therapeutic sessions. We knew like the CIA bloke we had said the thing that meant she had to call a hit on us. That meant Jacqui Law called a hit on the Quine through the Scottish masonic murder networks..(...)Which meant heaps of folk playing us the phone call and phoning to ask WTF..


Ah well. Had to get a hold of you some how.


What was it that made us puke so much when we put in in the attic back in August 2014.. A dummer downer we called it, a dream fuckeruper, they have scripts for our dreams for the next two years do you want to see them?

Cant even go in the room now it feels so horrible in there it always did even when we got it looking nice. It's the 16th tomorrow..

June 14, 2016

The Purges. (1st draft)

Thank fuck for the German's and when we got there after being pushed back from up in Scandanavia somewhere, Marseilles. German's of course had seen it coming. There was plenty there that had survived every kind of buracratic psyduo scienticific Satanism that had crushed everyone around them. Plenty humans around in positions of authority. Orders were switched on a massive scale. Hospitals, schools, industries, militaries and business who deal with dead, were cleaned by this side and not the other. We knew there was nothing that umano FBI could do in the states they would just be destroyed but working with what the fascists were doing to corpses in Germany while they heard everything they loved in what many of them still thought of as their "home nation" kept them safe and Germany in the end to.

"Don't believe everything you are hearing. We are evacuating some areas by force and letting the enemy think they have taken them" We kept telling them. You see it actually click in some and others had to have it explained them in their own language in clear terms by their peers, there isn't any "nationalities" there is people who put shit like this in all the dead people they get there hands, people who keep living children in metal boxes and people who don't..

We saw you sometimes when were still had lines and when it was just you and me and we had to try and not hate ourself for being glad we finally had some time alone with you..

Jesus how our Italian wept when she found out his "nationality" she knew the last 20 years were a gonner and wouldnt be able to explain it to the rest of us without also explaining it everything out there that wanted us destroyed and didnt already know.

Our face screwed up "British hospitals down" that couldnt be right. Be asked someone to say and translate what they heard. "consolosated" yep that is more like it and then something about the schools that few bothered listening to because it was nothing we didnt already know. It's Britain. It invents, it hoards and it teasures a perfect balance of horror and ignorance. You could walk into peoples houses and find them lieing there and you could wake them up easily sometimes and say what was going on and what was planned, force them to took at their streets, their skies, what was being done to their family members but they would just push you away and go back to pretending it was too scary and looking at the pretty pictures prepackaged for their vacous nature hating heads.

Any sigh of life is fucking trap. And it always always. Living heard the evacuation signals before or when it was ongoing as their distress calls quietened it was like it often was. Their was no dead heavy air but a peaceful stillness, like the night before Christmas songs and dreams we sent out to the kids to protect whatever was left of their minds.


the Ukraine station, then later this morning/lunch time Timbuktoo .. feel it..

June 12, 2016

Exploding Humans.

I'm born and bred in the compounds and factories with natural potentials than had me ear marked as someone who could be broken down into something that would take over from the old Nazi and other source programmers. This meant privileges when we were very young to show we were one of the fascists and not one of the subjects. They would take us to their posh homes, put powerful or very valuable objects in our hands and tell us it would be ours one day. We knew we werent alone though. We knew we didnt have a choice and not in the way they were telling us. The issue was always all far to go along with it. The longer and better we pretended the more we saw of how they operated and the closer we got to doing real damage to them and their systems. Of course though, the more damage I saw the more damaged I was.

 So from tiny babyhood we saw and were being trained in what they were doing to people and how they did it and what the long term plans were, what the brain damaged hate bots running the compounds thought was going on what the investors who never or rarely set foot in the places had planned. They weren't going to stop us destroying stuff, they had their own plans for the victims and for us.

One of the main activities that went on was brain surgeries and experiments with brain injuries but there was lots of other surgies to, reproductive related of course but also inserting small very small explosive capsules inside the bodies of children and adults and then showing the victims the video of them doing it after. How horrific is that, how could we fight to keep a person alive and have hope of surviving with one of them in them? They had us scrubbing in and present in surgeries since toddler hood and they put monitors showing babies horrific stuff running hour after hour so you learned so much more than you knew. Jackie Law was a big presence in at least one of the compounds.

 It must of been so awful for kids and adults who had other lives before. When they didnt injure the brains they just kept them starved and raped with one of them inside them. We shared as much as we could and didnt listen to the voices who said we should make sure they never found out we were sharing and that the best thing to do to help people was to do as we were told. We had listened to them. We had been present in a brain surgery. Where the just keep drilling, and probing and cutting and inserting. Never again. As if just being a slave and not being one of them who had rich, comfortable homes was enough to make me agree to be present in another never mind 1,000s or 10000's more.. Showing them how much we were telling people stuff was they changed our program and thanks to the double agents got put in a cage with our grandad.. lots!!

You cant run home to your loved ones or cross to the other side when they know you are riddled with explosives. Although in reality most of the people who they put them were also given so much brain damage, receivers, modulators, things that emit electrical pulses, hormone excreter etc that they had no idea who they were before. How much they broke us by exploding intelligent, sensitive children by exploding them in front of their families I don't know. We do know they didnt really start successfully mining us until after the wall came down and the only real organised resistance in the Industrialised West was destroyed, driven underground. As literally underground. And any other way anything alive anywhere could think of to hide and protect and limit the total fucking purge that was unleashed and is documented else where..

 Lots of the RA kids were told they had them and no amount of us telling and proving to them that they didnt would change their behaviours and get them to challenge their programming. Christ its just as well they never picked any of them to replace the source programmers. They weren't smart enough. Not smart enough to be selected for the elite, was not smart enough to not know when to challenge programming and also not smart enough to be used in the worst of the breeding or be exposed to the real worst of what was going on.. 

There have been years when the scale was so massive that a a lot of people had them and we take them out but the people, people who tell us we are not helping them or their theirs by having explosives removed from their internal organs would work and be worked so hard to stop us.

It was so fucking isolating. What else could we do but start filming and sharing whatever we could. Not like it would be hard to get cameras, access to uploading tech, feeds, or servers as we were being victimised by and with the surveillance and pornography industries.. 

Woodside Hospital Aberdeen.... (not that ARI was a place of healing) .. Just on the edge of the town on the road to Westhill where the absolute worse of the anti humanitarian work was ongoing on in Aberdeen.. Or was until we battled our "evil twin" took her in to autopsy, showing her real definitly adult non ours face under the mask, the utterly waxed legs and pubes, which we compared to our full head of hair at 10/11 but only after we took of the fake hand skin, ran her prints through our multi agency system where it came back as "Rose Hendrix" Nasa employee.  Cause all scientist women in their 30s or 40s go for the full wax huh? 

We didnt do much autopsy after that. Just rolled her over to the inciniator and set the timer. 

Outside the Italian military where there (Tia Amo.) to see the destruction rout when the incinerator sent of the explosives. Double stripe? Triple stripe? Several Singles and a few others? dunno.

Outside the caravan we saw a group of single strip Brits dressed as Italians standing the round the corpse of the same as them. Keeping him safe for the fascists adding for shit in in an attempt to restart it or for harvesting. There really was only one thing to two. The Brits invested a lot in radio, radio to control their military application meat puppets. Radio that controls the shit in their head that controls their movements and the bomb but they were pretending to by Italian military and we knew had to let some of them keep the weapons or their slightly less meat muppet controlers would notice. Sure enough. We linked up to him and got him unholster and point at the corpse while sending signals to keep the others blind to it. 

Quick warning to the actual Italians and others around, trigger pulled, the corpse goes off and we see one, two and the start of a third and fourth before we under the coroner and several other livings. Our body judders a bit which he mistakes for a cry but it isnt and we say after everyone has picked up themselves and has started picking off bits and our apologies have been brushed off, "I think Anaiese would of approved.. and Robert." No one disagreed.

We did get to hug him before he died. Anaiese helped and others.

Ours are either much less or much destructive, Mk1, Mk2, Mk3. Mk1 will hurt you if you standing near one when it goes of but probably not kill you. Sounded like gun fire that was quite far away when two went of in our Fintry living room when we where next door in the bedroom. What a mess. But no burning on the walls or structural damage. Mk 2. issues with bones resolved. They go off in packed clubs and there is no "collaterol" but everyone is very, very messy... It's bit RA I know but hey fuck you. They are remotely triggered. So there are no scenes like there was when guys in proper explosives suites were trying to lift the three women explosives bags very gently down the stairs when one off them went off and hurt off the guys pretty bad.. We helped him onto Pabs been very gently and dozed him up and went help get the other two out. At least one of them was a lot easier to handle now.. Been there. Its very painful for days. Everything hurts. Everything inside, everything outside.

The most important difference of between the stripes and all of their shit compared to mine is mine doesnt go off if its moved after the host has died. 

Can you imagine what would of happened if we had let Scottish Police in on nights like that. Hint: they only way they will get access to armour and bags like that is if they given to them by us or ours. They are of course filled them all sorts with all kinds ongoing programming and triggered going on.. all of them.

Mk 3 (4??) thats a bit more destructive and will and has taken medium to large seized buildings down. A hotel once. Atl east. It got on the Western MSM and everything, not us claiming responsibility and explaining what was going on on it the hotel and what else had to be done to stop it of course. But locals knew and the national government listened after that was what mattered most to us.

Our forces are out there. Always. Removing and returning those that were replaced by such horror because the fascist scum thought they had us and put us in charge of the murders and the murderers..

Ohh. Incoming message .. to Comedy Central and the BBC from the folks at NASA who don't keep children or adults in metal boxes for fucking and mining.

We are coming for you and we know everything. Everything.

June 08, 2016

battle lines

Well Pabs programming is anything other than we that it would be "what is the news said a meteor was on its way? Not a meteorite mummy a meteor there is one ever 10000 years.." "what if this glass in my hand exploded mummy. Ever since I was hit in the head twice with a tennis ball I cant stop thinking of explosions" "this is how I speak in my dreams to the aliens.." When we suggested that if a meteor was on its way we would have to leave our stuff and he started crying.Well tomorrow is tomorrow after all.

We he said the shit about the tennis ball and after we road the wave of anxiety we said loud and clear "that's a trigger honey. .. Just means you got a scare.." and whatever else we could muster like "we gotta your head fixed honey"..

No fucking way is he going back to that school after the break. We will be able to burn this place down and head to Glasgow with him this year. We cant stay in this house or this area. You sick fucks.

Ok. We don't get out much or at all and when that's going on we always know the few opportunities we do get to go out are part of the problem not the solution. And of course there is all the stuff with Jacqui talking about her and CIA, NASA's ongoing programming and abuse of Pablo and tomorrow. So unless we decide fuck it find a part that can find a reliable fire arm we will probs give the talk thats going on in Pablo's school tomorrow by two Nasa tools a miss.

You know for reasons I'm pretty fucking sure have been pretty well illustrated by now. Even if their plans have changed since the last time we checked. He is going to be safer here. Hopefully..

fuck u world... seriously ..

Of instructed of course we are remembering Scottish Police involvement in taking eggs after were back in Scotland. Isnt help us feel to safe as I'm sure you can imagine. The did the blame bigger bully thing "we wouldnae hurt yi its the CIA" is what they have been saying for 20 years of course and they usually only ever talk to the English, very rare for anyone on the books CIA to have any contact with them at all. Rare we said not never..

Their "it's all the Brits fault" stuff is some quite wonderful material and there are speckles of truth about how it all started but mostly a fabulous example of how the Satanic CIA operates. We were happy to spend long hours listening and reading from them with an eye out for any signs of someone that didnt expect us to believe all this crap. All we usually got was way too exaggerated to be real.

"Your in a room with me alone Sir and you dont expect me to be aware that we are being watched."

How they tortured their own sending them to rescue us just for them to slaughter or capture them.

How when we told some really high up NASA guy everything that was in the building in terms of surveillance, mental and emotional modulation was horrendous. "Scotland levels" we called it. He didnt like that..

We watched and puked our guts up as they all went back into work the next day.

June 07, 2016

Anaiese and Roberto.

Nathan said some stuff and asked some stuff when we got back. God it was so horrible to be back with people who weren't there. He asked if the autopsy footage was real and if was us, about the caravans with less holes in the sides. Just repeating the words and running through the reactions as arranged. Every fucking word any of them has ever said to us. We could see them reading the script in their head. Word for word.

We were sitting on one of the steps outside one of a van we had cleared a day or two and it was spotless now. We were drowning. The flashbacks, the battle between useness and nonusness that we know is RF when its that bad. We keep telling ourself we were just triggered not because we believed but because it calms us down and anything that calms you down when your losing it helps you.

The running through the forest calling Marco Polo sex after forgetting we had been tortured is crap of course. You have to be seriously out of it even with DID for your body not to tell you its not a good time for sex your injured. The walking through the park alone, cursing ourself because we couldnt believe what we were seeing as someone we had set up to happen to no confidence parts before switching and jumping through the other Marco's window to avoid speaking to someone who was about to turn the corner and see us.

It felt very real but that means nothing, not to a couple of institute kids like us. Think was the next day. The self control he had was so triggering. By the time we were passing the empty caravan it was so bad we were struggling to stay on our feat and had to sit down. We couldnt tell our own plans from the rapist programmes, couldnt tell our own traumas from other peoples. We saw him and tried to focus on him. Even as a child we found young Italian men highly watchable and distracting. He hadnt seen us and we were glad we didn't want him talking to us. We were in no fit state for any conversations in any language. But his presence was enough to calm enough of the littles especially when we was close enough to see how unhappy he was.

She hates she seeing sad boys, she cried a little before stepping back to look and give room for the rest of us in the hope we would help the boy and when we saw the way he dragged his feat and the caravan he seemed to be heading for and that he had a family member that never got up and kept in touch with us as any real hope of getting him out. There was a moment of fantastic clearness where we stood up and thanked ourself and everyone who helps the way we use slavers plans to trigger us in submission to trigger their own sudden death. As with every other time we let the fear and the push to submit wash over us knowing all I had in that moment was keep breathing as we watched the teenage boy get closer and closer to the caravan without fighting the triggers.

We were over the bank and he was down. We felt bad for that but we knew where he was. He couldnt be talked in trusting himself or any human again. He had to be shown. Usual. Combo of adapted gynnastics, dancing moves, self defense and combat moves, using the weapons they are coming at us with, deciding wether or not to keep a hold of them but using chuck em their just a distraction and give a false sense of security that dumbs the senses. (pretty certain some of the dudes who taught us "leave no weapon you are the weapon" when really, really little found themselves on the wrong end of their own training).

We weren't hearing music, just the past and our own voices telling us who was where. The walls. No contact. Not something you pick up in the West. Of course there has been many who wanted us to be teaching what we can do to whoever and whatever they choose.. Sometimes we have to switch tactics from not telling them to just giving them what they want but making sure (whenever possible) that we make sure whatever we told them or whoever we told doesnt get very far after. That kind of thing, that violent despots of all kinds are not so much allowed by Brits and Non rougue CIA as arranged and its been allowed to continue decade after decade after decade, that makes us very very angry.

This wasn't the time when there was a lad in his twenties standing around and we ran in and out of the bloodier and bloodier state pointing at vans and asking him "porn" and then running in if he said "yes". His shock decreased as it went on and we started noticing the twinkle. We noticed these fuckers are porn. As they lay at our feat. Christ they were worse. We ran out of that one determined to at least pretend to continue. We could see by the way he had to swing round with his and on his month and not make eyes contact for second. Neither could we. We ran up at bit and pointed to next and he was smiling when he nodded and we turned to run then swung back and said "are they fuck" and we both laughed. He hugged us!

In the state we were in!. Then he got help le grande initiation of the scraping off and hosing down of the Quine. He freaked when he heard voices at the door but we didnt. He was much more uncomfortable with the uniforms than he was the bloodied corpses all over the floor so when he said he could just leave he bolted and we laughed with cabaniere we looking impressed up at spray and down on injuries. We don't even know it was that time when we sitting on a worktop after our gyn checked us out and it was requested we involve them or at least give them a warning next time and we said it was that was impossible because we were too fucked by the Brits and black white power yanks. Our gyn said nothing. We could see he wasnt happy and was distant. When we made eye contact with him we couldnt help but looking down but they all said "no" and wouldnt let us. We explained our actions weren't planned like that. They were being triggered by them attacking us and we know if we go anywhere or even dont go anywhere we will be attacked by the worst of the worst from everywhere.

This wasnt any of those times. These people weren't just another lot who repeated programmes of sexual, physical, emotional, mental trauma on kids and who were trained in fucking with peoples DID, some of these fucks were sources. There wasn't going to be lots of laughing American's slapping our back and encouraging us not to look to at the corpses to closely. There was going to be lots of very peeved CIA, porn producers and slavers of all sorts.

This was the time of the metal cases, that when they arrived and they made sure we saw it we had to be scooped and held we just kept say "umano" and looking, pointing towards them. We knew those cases well. That was when we screamed when we shot one box twice and the other three times. 24 - 2.

 Lying starfished in grass in the sun looking up through the tree there was so much peace, so much quiet, but there was birds, normal external bird song. We wondered if we had ever felt so wonderful. We felt every blade of grass on our shins and arms, every little nugget of crunchy undergrowth. We were drugged? Well probably but this was more than that and we remembered. We were about to cry when we thought, no fuck it, we can do whatever we want and that means feeling that, we know what it is, it's love. We couldnt move we were so tired but we remembered spotting the patch of speckled sun light of few yards away as we took the knife of a long term prolific and extreme child rapist and took it through his throat. We were listening for the sound of metal on bone and that upset us. We were so glad to run to the patch and flop there because we knew with all the physcial exertion we wouldnt be moving for a while.

Someone was calling "Julia" and we hoped they found her because they sounded really upset. Then we remembered we were sometimes called Julia and the young lads were calling for us. That was nice. Someone was wondering about near us. Had we fucked up. Left one injured and alive. It was the boy from earlier on. We had stopped going into the caravan. He was very close, in shock, think he spotted our shoes first and looked up at the rest of us with a mixture of more horror and relief when he met living eyes and then froze as he realised. We tried to tell him with our eyes we were no threat to him. We all know not to smile at people who dont know us very well when covered in blood, not if we want to calm them down anyway. Little wanted to say something. Thankfully he stumbled off before she could and we were alone again with the sky and the ground and the clouds. So exhausted, so at peace and knowing we should enjoy this new amazing feeling.

For a little it occured to us that we might of "gone to far" this time, that the yanks would have us for this. Then we remembered we were heading back to incarceration regardless. Even if we hadnt done a thing. And that American exceptionalism isnt a thing, not like some of them like to think.

 Something moved in the thicker undergrowth. It was a rabbit that we watched for a little bit and wondered if was real and decided it definitly was. So good to see life. Nibbling and hopping being alive and totally indifferent to us, not a rapist, not a slaver, not helping people rape us, never going to hurt any children, not needing to be killed. We were ridiculously emotional. We closed our eyes. As we did we could feel him, the kid, he was standing a bit of the way of watching us and was calmer. That was good.

We woke up when someone in uniform almost stepped on us but still didnt see us. We were going to call out his name but we couldnt speak yet. There was voices, radios, lots of people around know and they were all looking really worried. We have understandings if not the ability translate expressions that mean "on" or "off the scene". We couldnt figure out what they were calling us but they were definitly saying we were off scene. We looked around at the people and spotted a couple of fat cat uniforms that we didnt want to see us anyway. Maybe the dude that almost stood us did see us. Doubt it though. He looked stressed. Not like someone pretending not to see someone. We were still happy to lie there recovering and not being in Scotland or under massive sedation somewhere. Tuscany it's so lovely.

The fat cats looked like they were about to head off and the dude that kept talking definitely hadnt spotted us or he would be get that lot the fuck out of there ASAP. There was something going on. It was in their heads and not in mine. One or two of the lads in the huddle kept looking right at us and still wasnt seeing us. We weren't that far off and the blood equally shade or earth camo isnt that good, not if your actually looking. Whatever it was it was bothering the kid the most he kept rubbing his eyes and shaking his head, been there we thought. Got more and worse recent experience with that shit and thats why he is being more bothered by it. We hadnt moved off. He knew. But he couldnt see us and it was triggering on top of everything else. We focused on him, willing him to calm down so he had some chance of getting through it. He's was being reassured by the cab.

And we remembered the first night, very similar scene but not as major and we were lying in the dark so the blood camo works very well. That time the guy who almost stood on us spotted us. Think we tried to say hi but we about to cry so we stopped and just looked up at him while he breathed and stared. Someone else saw and wondered over "Another one?" we could translate that and we said "Nope" I think. There was lots of swearing and laughing before we had to be scooped up because we couldnt stand and they took the piss out off for letting the side down because we needed to be carried off the scene..

We knew the scooper and cuddled in in a way that took their breathe away and they began an understanding of DID.

The kid looked more relaxed and when he looked over again we could see the relief that in having his senses back and maybe a bit a seeing us. Then he went on with saying he saw nothing and knew nothing. As the fat cats were only just slowly heading off that was for the best. The huddle of lads though. Was it Rocco? Or Tao? no thats not Tao is it.. oh for fucks sake we dont know our own name right now. He was almost seeing us know and he wasnt looking away. Before if we managed to move a foot or arm it made no difference but now he moved his head and looked frustrated. We willed him to us see so hard he had been the first to spot before and eventually there was eye contact and we could see the relief go through him and we so glad to smile at some who would just smile back, regardless.

It spread through their little clump. Well to anyone with sense to see. Eventually the fat cats were getting far enough away and we were not happy about just lying their while our men where getting more and concerned. When one of them started sniffing. We looked over at the kid. We really wanted to communicate to him it was ok to say, someone had spotted the body language in half the lads had transformed and went over and said something we nodded and tried more eye smiling and he pointed.

We still couldnt sit yet. And we could speak. He lifted the sodden girly summer top to check for injuries and I think we managed to say "ok" but out throat was so dry. He called for water and helped us sit up.

After a bit of being held, and watered and cleaned off a bit where we were we remembered why we we couldnt speak. "cases" the guy holding us didnt know what we were saying and came over. He knew. He said no one had been in any the vans, he motioned over to one of them and we couldn't help but snigger when saw the size of the whole in the side of it. The hugger held us tighter out of relief but we could see in his eyes he didnt know. We hoped he would still be able to hug us like that once he did, not because he would think we did something evil but just that it turns everyone cold.

We were helped up, crying know and talking. Someone put there shirt or something over us, we started feeling cold. In the van. There was a few of us three or four in what was left of the van. We said we should open but that was refused and we didnt argue. He knew what was in them. We knew at least one of them was not in any way prepared what he was going to see and we tried to prepare him by showing him to breath deeply once the box was opened and then pointed to the coach but he wasnt understanding. We crouched to the opened once it was done, he was struggling. Trying desperately to keep it together for us. We let him know with a movement of out eyes it was ok for him to run outside an puke and whatever the hell else he needed to do.

We breathed a bit and moved closer to them and made to look back but i dont any eye contact was made and when reached gently in one of them the guy who who told to stay back moved to stop us but was stopped by someone else. He struggled a bit but we heard shocked exclamations when he saw. Ze.

If we lived in a world where we could of got them out in any other way they wouldnt never of been there to begin with. We told ourself that we told them that through all the crying and shaking and switching. To hold their bodies against ours, for us to be given that time and space and to treated with respect whilst we did meant the world. The malformations were bad, genetics, untreated injuries, being kept in a box, we tried to kept our eyes of the genital areas but they were naked so it was impossible not to glimpse some of results of years of horrific sexual assaults. We looked over at the second box and paleness inside a few times, we were putting it off. We didnt want to put him down. We hadnt held him at all before now.

One of the broken since the institutes Marcos appeared behind us and offered to hold him. We told him to go away. Someone had no idea what was going on or didnt care and let him through. We asked if the opener would. He had come back. They were struggling without the military and so were we. It's not like they would be choosing to stay away. He had opened the boxed so the rest reckoned he should be the one to see it through. We notice when crouched back down we were to busy crying and talking to the boy and stroking his hair.

The girl was harder because someone messed up the anaesthetics and we came round during the delivery and saw her before we were told to back to sleep and made to. We told opener this, we had forgotten how much English he spoke and hoped it wasnt very much. He said some and he wished he knew more. We talked him a fair bit with her in our arms. We said how much she looked like Pablo, she was quite fair to and held her limbs and wondered aloud how much the twistedness was down to the genetics and how much was down to the cases and constant sedation in infancy. He agreed she did look like Pablo and sobbed when we talked about her limbs being exactly the same when she was born years ago. Ages are hard to tell in a child who as all developed stunted or prevented but there were about 6-8.

 It took him a while but after a while his professional brain kicked in. He was looking at the bullet holes in the boxes and on the kids. Wtf. Had we opened the boxes, shot the kids,  put them back and then shot holes in the boxes? We saw his confusion and told him we shoot better in the dark sometimes, he looked even more confused. We can feel them we said, a voice in Italian behind us agreed. She was born with mental impairments to match her physical ones. She had two shoots to the head and one in the heart, her brother just one each.

There was a moment of almost light relief when he tried to gently ask if there was incest involved when we were young and literal. We just looked down at the facial features and the limbs of the child in our arms and back up at him and back down, our internal opened her mouth to say something but there was the flash of an older part behind and he had to look away and not laugh as we tried to hold back or at least moderate her sarcasm.

It was increasingly obvious the number of Brits on the scene versus Italian and what was happening to us whenever they walked in or out the van. We were ready to deal with the living again. Opener said he would do it there was to many for to deal with alone. We didnt feel at all up for but when we looked at the kids and the metal boxes we knew we could if we had to. The guy with no English who did sit it ass down eventually so pale and quiet that we forgot he was here until he moved to leave and we looked back at him and to outside and shook our head, he wanted out of there but the coroner wasnt back yet, we didnt want to be alone and we didnt want the Brits killing him stepped up so we sank back down on our hunches. The of two them and whatever out there that wasnt evil would have it covered, especially as most the non sentient Brits still couldnt see that most of them weren't even fucking armed.

They did it. Looking at the faces and the scene after we couldnt help thinking how relieved we would be feeling if this scene was at any other time. We were being led away when we spotted the Italians. Lying face and alive where the dumb blind mind control victim Brits had thought they had shot and killed all of them and were held down until safe by some non visible means and could get up now. One asked if it was us but we said no but we had probably trained them. There was lots of smiles and agreements until some asked what was in the van. We looked between it and them and the coroner. We wanted to tell them to go and see but were so little we needed and adults approval he held us closer and nodded. We told them to wait until we had walked on a bit though and said seconds later to coroner that they wont. He looked back and we could see his eyes roll and rolled ours back him as I braced and leaned on him a little more until out of vomiting and weeping ear shot.

On the walk back down through the site it was dark now and cold and we were chatting coz it helped, trying to remember Italian words for things. We tried to say "cold" but say cauldo instead and then remembered that was wrong and explained that in Scots cold was "cauld" he asked and we talked about Scottish languages and Scotland, he asked what we we thought of independence and we talked about at least with smaller states mean smaller scale centralised corruption. Putin popped his head out of the bushes about then and we smiled and he came over and gave us a hug, warned us about a bugged caravan and offered a sedative we agreed to. We weren't getting any length of quality sleep and the park wasnt going to be quiet.

It was when we walked up the hill and we turned back round that swore under our breath and rolled our eyes at the coroner. Remembering the way he had carefully put the needle back in his pocket. Had the bastard just played us, had we told him it was ok? Coroner was worried we shook our head, maybe involved in protecting the Italians but not the creation and torture of us or the kids. We have said to him that any time you need to administer emergency sedatives he should keep a hold of the DNA if possible and this certainly qualified.

There was hugs from others to, men standing crying with their fists raised. Women battling against triggers. We took all the hugs from all the padres we could before the sedative hit hard and I think we were out before we were changed and in the bed.

That was 08. The production and experimentation to produce armies of humanoids without empathy, without critical thought and without self awareness continued. And there is Sonny so that's 24-2+1 and everyone the product of nothing but slavers, anaesthetics, rape, experiments, and physical restraints.

Nathan said something like he thought the autopsy footage and the cases were from the same incident. We laughed at him. They wanted us to think it was the laugh that sealed out fate but how fucking ridiculous was that? "Our fate" was sealed before we were fucking born.

All those years of kids in Scotland being programmed to be terrified of adults caused they were already dead from some mass war related event that hadn't happened yet. We allways thought it ridiculous, what had "killed" these people was the past and the present and not the future of course but worried about self fulfilling it could be. After finding ourself back being raped and pregnant and injured back in Skene after Italy in 08' we have little hope for much else since.

They are never going to let us be anything else so at least we always know there will always be more war.

June 05, 2016

Fascists versus Socialists Sir same as it always is. With us anyway..

How often do we see "Italy" in our stats? Somewhere between rarely and never. "Just break your heart anyway Quine." Front page internet its not like we dont know that it all varies between a suggestion of truth and fiction. We fucking hate you fascist internet engineers. No one has any time for "I had no choice" once we show them you did.

"when the women that play you are all dead who do you think they will go for"
"my daughters of course.. but they will always be after all of us anyway and we are a lot less concerned now that you have just told us your intentions"

He sounded all smug and male and completely groomed to believe that they are all power as long as they act like they are all powerful. And denied everything. Then we started listing details. Cant hear enough of that rapists' smugness evaporating. He changes he's tone. Starts talking to us like we were a junior male staff member. We list more. He's talking to us like we a direct inferior now. That's enough for us. We end the call.

That was in Dundee of course not last year. Of course.

He would of had to speak to one of his bosses before he would of felt able to talk to us "man to man" and our interests will never be served by talking to people like that. People who can not drop the bullshit everyone is invested in and talk human to human.

We promised our Grandad we wouldn't be scared to talk about anyone. We were in an outside cage and he was holding us tightly leaning against a back wall and felt the fear and disgust in him when Cassius Clay was brought in. He was walking, talking. Not drugged, being carried or beaten, walking in past the cages of humans chatting to whatever horror CIA he was with. He told us to never trust him. We must of looked at him like he was a bit mental. We felt that. We couldnt think of him reacting like that to a person before, what a person was going to do surely but this was different.

We will never trust anyone who makes my Daddy feel like when walks past. Besides dad have you seen the footage they put on TV he's obviously on something and probably insane. Boxer's preaching faith and love.. and people by that. Someone in a cage above us agreed and there was some talk between folk who still could before a guard gave them some abuse to shut it down. It was then we noticed everyone in cages today apart from me was dark skinned and we shuddered and held our Grandad as tight as we could while we still could.

We noticed more and more how people were being taken in were considered to be in demographic groups.

"But if they are racist and sexist and everything grandad they aren't going to have a fucking clue what they actually taking through those gates. Grandad we need to know what they are doing to peoples that arn't either of us so we can help as them as much we can."

Those fucking calls from the calls when we in Dundee. They were fucking mental. "Dads" would say we must never talk about it. but they didnt let us near him anytime we were not seriously drugged so we never knew what was him and what wasnt. Or if any of them were. They hated our little survival loop. "He can't be my daddy because he raped me."
 "He is your daddy, he did rape you and were are going to make sure it does it again and again."
"He's not my daddy anymore then. He's a rapist."

The more they tried to make "daddy" and "rapist" synonymous the more we would drive the words apart, not in a fathers dont rape daughters way but that a father who rapes is not a daddy and his rights, roles, duties ect even if he meets them will never make him a daddy and if ever had any love for them they would stay away from them.

Hated the smug look on their face when they thought they found someone sicker and more experienced than them on stuff they couldn't get to hold.

Biteing off the hand that keeps me starved

We know this isnt going to be any kind of cathartic, take the power back "fun". This was up against everything 90% of us had been taught and experienced. This was going to hurt and be scary. There wouldn't be any nano to nano programming in the victims. They had to have no idea and be completely convinced we were prepared to accept their ideas about "compromising". Then it hit us as the simplest and best stuff does, like falling arse over tit after walking into an object that you were looking at the whole time you approached it.

What if we told the truth? That is what we have always, if we dont know what to do, if we want to make sure it's self defence. Tell the fucking truth. Give them Julia.

"to be honest Sirs with the things we have done here in the last few days, the rapists that we know will not be raping ourselves or any infants everyone again and the love we have gotten for it we would be happy to cancel the Palermo plans, forgot about our money or anti war crimes work, even out anti slavery work if we get to stay here, or even back to Scotland but not without I.D, healthcare and a little support with at least not stopping us from being able to defend our own and Pabs life."

Not happy faces. Then for a horrible second we thought they might agree, then for an evil horriblier second we realised they weren't. They asked if we were joking we said not all and that we were prepared to share some of the Palermo plans with them to show them how serious we were.

We could feel the witness crouched in behind something his back killing him in the humidity he was never a stoic for literally sweating his balls off head to toe in black "I'm sorry Quine but this as "mediterrain climate suitable" as I'm prepared to make any recon gear." Bound to better than whatever the Brits are in the poor bastards we grabbed a thought as she tried wonder off.

We didnt get too scared when they started the proper horrific triggering and we could feel our guy's body temperature plunge in the increasing distance. We knew long, long ago that fighting the feelings of terror is how you fuck up the fight coz there is no where to run to instincts and training. We were back, there was no spray and the birds were fucking deafening us we lay on the floor getting out breath back so we could breathe in any real chance for any self determinism for the first time.

Outside. Few of our loons are waiting when we probably told them not to be because that way we knew they would be and we are screaming like a banshee and when it clicks for them they start screaming like banshees to. Whatever is in the van with them would have to be secured and processed and figured out where the fuck it would be safe if its all to be kept (it was) would have to be dealt with but not right now. We wanted to see Marco, no other Marco. We had to say sorry for avoiding and ignoring him so much and that we wouldn't have to so much anymore and how much it killed us to have to lie to him each and every time. Babe ran to go tell him and we walked down the track, folks clapping, shouting and hooting from their pitches, us lot all switching and laughing and crying with every part we all had.

We checked back in a while, our plan to been three sheets to the wind by that point hadnt worked out. He was still there. Sitting in the dark. Between the two of them. We could see it in him, his past, everything he every had to forget or shelve was currently flashing past, bouncing around and meandering through his mind. He was fine. We could see when we asked when he was standing around after we got the call that he didnt understand why we had asked him. The guy was highly skilled and we had basically asked him to be the flesh that fills up a camera suit and we were a lot closer to a lot more there that night but we had him positioned so we would ask him. He got it now. Highly skilled. Didnt really know us. Exactly why it had to be him. He did know us anyway but a lot of the work we did with him we hadnt looked like us so its fair enough when people are slow to connect those dots.

He said a name as we turned to leave. He had figured that one out. We were going say more but we could see he didnt need any more information from outside sources he had enough to work with. Walking away we sighed, a wonderful deep Tuscan early autumn night air sigh and were so glad we werent wasted yet. It was lovely little moment to ourselves which the lads had respected stood back from and waited and let us enjoy it as long they could before ultimately succeeding to help get us proper inebriated.

How impressed were the older gen with lads having a scar that is identical ours. Very impressed. Very relieved.

Pretty shitty that we were forced into sharing these stories with her in "therapy sessions" before the vast majority of people we would rather be sharing them with. Or would just not mind sharing them with quite so much, i.e. anyone at all anywhere except people actively trafficking us.


"yeah the dude knows the real deal in places like Rwanda and shit like that. Uses machetes a lot on white people.. And works alone a lot." Boyz were quiet.

"Like you."

"Mmm. Machetes are not a weapon of choice for us. We were on the ground."

We remembered the couple that we saw acting out a little "we are going to die" humbleness for us didnt die in a caravan..

Was that the same guy who asked us about violence between ourself and he who we got everyone calling Ceeci short for cheeky cut who had used his aptitude to enlist a look out of us that IDed us to him on the first night when he saw as looking at his scar. We made out like we were Louise and about to answer and then grabbed a fork of his table and stuck through his hand? and said something about that not being the BDSM they were into and how it often worked like that. But only cause people were standing about looking at us expectatly and the girls eyes were begging, begging we give the crowd a line or two.

 We didnt think it was that funny. Lots all seemed to disagree but that's maybe just the violence and not wanting us like them buy laughing at our jokes. CC found is all very amusing. We were convinced there. Which meant he got a telling of from his boss who hadn't seen it or us but did as soon as CC pointed us out and his boss remembered he wasn't actually CC's boss .. before CC had..

We ended up having to show CC a couple seconds of Palermo street plans to get him to stop being such a constant shit stirring pain in ass made worse by the language barrier and folk winding him up when we had already arranged for the shit to be being stirred quite sufficiently already. He remembered who is Mum is then.

We remember thinking as everyone went back to pretending that everything is perfectly fine that he had just bolloxed up our whole fucking mission just because his boss was making him clean too many caravan toilets or some shit we would probably completely forgive and cover his ass. Prick.

It is actually quite traumatising for us to when we seem to be physically every at once and don't know where we end and the metal starts. Not as scary as being raped but still pretty scary.

June 04, 2016

Marco. Polo.

Kind of spoiled the romance and passion at bit didnt it. Stumbling through the woods using the game you used as children to fall in each other's arms and make love and then she is in incredible agony because she has DID and forgot she had been hurt bad recently and his mates didnt want to tell him because it would upset him..

Your on your way yeah? Your English will be even better than it was a year ago. They are very serious. We were in their care when we were lost to the worst and the breeding for years. They were and are no more happy about that than we are. They forget nothing. They treat as really well so we havent been fucking with their computer systems for the last 2 decades like we have everywhere else with the possible exception of Palestine who have nothing worth fucking with any way. (Dude would really love you help you out here but I suspect if I did I would be as well bulldoze your family homes my fucking self)

We remembered being up on the roof with a few of our wumin getting ready when one of our "Charlie's" pops his head up and asks if he can join. We were all, both internally and externally quite happy. We all had proper sniper's rifles but he didnt his was a hunting rifle. So we swapped for a whole bunch of obvious reasons. "You'll be Rose then" he might of said when it was ongoing and we weren't hearing very much. They were serous long term traffickers and abusers getting all set up for a big day time rape show. We waited until everyone was in place and it was about to start, then started firing together on three.. People who been doing that shit for years and who brought kids up to carry on the same traditions, same industries, loyalty to the same slavers. Not any more.

Well you know. The worst bit was when one of our wumin was running around down there for some fucking reason instead of being tucked up under a table as discussed.. She did have her reasons. We weren't entirely convinced. It looked like she was just having a laugh at the time so we shot near her feat and she squealed and hid under a table after that. We were are laughing. Desperately at times looking for the this is serious, tragic traumatic events but could get there. What they were doing and had been doing and had no intentions of stopping and were so supported. It just feels so right.

We told you didn't we? About overhearing a familiar couple when we first arrived. He lit and cigarette and we could tell by her tone and body language she was berating him for it and he said it didnt matter they were all going to die. We couldnt make out much of the next exchange between them but we were looking straight at her to see the colour drain when she checked to see who on earth her husband could possibly be taking about.

They might of been in the cheating bastard caravan who had gone by each other and their own hands by the time we got their all relied up.

We still have the daydreams about that site or a site like it and taking out the horrible caravans and replacing them with yurts and those type of things. Look so pretty under the birches. Scotland is actually having a go a having a summer and it's just upsetting us. It's not Italy.

 Our bench with the rose pattern has arrived (as has the micro stand with the sun flowers) but we arnt up for assembling and sorting out the areas where they have to go. We just scurry back to bed lots but we are watering the flowers and seedlings even if we aren't washing the dishes. Mould can be binned. Flowers can't be resurrected. If you aren't here to see them yourself when more are in bloom we will post some pics. Chelsea Flower Show it isn't but we are quite proud to have made something pretty while we have been going through such ridiculous awfulness.

We drew a map didnt we? Of what our social situation would be and is. 16 = :-D, 17 = :-), 18 = :-/

It's not like we don't trust. We totally do and it is much easier now we can remember a bit about people. But that abandoned, lost child in a very dangerous place feeling doesn't shift we just get better at knowing that is what we are feeling and knowing people felt the same at losing us and our kids have and are all going through the same or similar. Doesn't hurt any less. Good to feel more of us though always and remember where we are really from of course.

We bought a thumb support. Possibly wouldn't of if it had been clearly prized. The right isnt so bad but the left has been bothering us and really easy to wind up. We do find them comforting though. Daft I know but we associate them with being cared for and rescued, accepted and nurtured.

Solo sempre.

Loco molto.

Forze. Forze. Forze.

Are you sure Sir?

We already knew. It's how it works with us. Phone calls are verbal confirmation when we its so serious we cant fucking believe they are going to let us do it.

We had to walk. We didnt get far. We knew he would spot a strong emotional reaction in us from very little, very quickly and we were going to have to come up with something but not just yet we were going to have to sit down because we feeling very large colourful spots. The steps behind the back of the bar will have to do. It's not like privacy was any kind of option anyway it was daytime and busy.

"Are you sure Sir?" and repeated whatever utterly obvious code between us that we were using. He was defintly saying yes. He sounded like he could be either pissed off that we need to be told and told repeatidly told or like he had a gun to his head. Either way. That would be his problem. There was a permanet record all over the shop just giving us the order..

The big colourful blotches werent going away even off the phone and sitting on the steps. Shaking our head to make them go away so we could start thinking wasnt helping. All my gorgeous friends coming up and asking what was wrong and what they could do to help werent helping either. We shooed them all away until eventually managed to tell one that the best thing they could do was stop people from asking if the could help for a little while so we could think. He was happy with that. Likes clear orders that one and goes about them with an earnestness that we always find very charming to distraction.

Wow. Okay. Head in hands. Ah darkness where we do our best thinking. Priorities. Number 1 - calm the fuck down, 2 -  come up with an explanation for the obvious important call we just got for the CID guy that would be convincing and would lay the ground work for calmly walking into their van with them in a highly relaxed manner and then ending the mother fucking pair of them in a manner that impressed the bosses whilst staying true to ourself. We kept out head hidden and had to kept rubbing our chin and on our Tshirt and shorts we were salivating that badly. It just wouldnt stop. This was not a good look. We remember we had DID which at least stopped the drooling and meant we could stand up and breath and start trying feebly to shake it off.

What do we do, what do humans do when massively emotionally overwhelmed? When we don't know which way is up and which way is down? We lean on mythology to get us through. We checked the Scottish RA brain area. The drooling triggered vampirism stuff and we made a commitment that they wouldnt bleed much or at all and we definitely didnt want to be accidentally tasting any spray. We had to hide in the trees and stay back from the lads after that happened the other night. Not because we thought we were going to attack them and drink their blood or some shit but because of horrific programming that had been triggered and had us drooling producing uncontainable amounts of bile and flashbacking. They scooped us and hugged us and it settled down.

We didnt mind eye or physical contact from folk our own age but we couldn't look at the older guys. We had just IDed ourself to some of real killers amongst them and triggered fuck knows what in them and we didnt think seeing the major fucking tempests that would be rising and reawakening in them would help us or them much at that precious and precise moment. A good friend wiped our bottom chin and lip for us, he remembered it from when we were kids anyway. He didnt puke much at that damage we could do any more, it was the speed and the strength and the other stuff that made him loose his penne.

He just made his eyes all big and then walked off he were so fucking glad that he exists. We felt human again. Took a deep breath and looked a particular older gentleman in the eye. We had been avoiding him so far because we knew the moment we looked straight at each other we would both get more than what we prepared ourselves for. Swallow it down. The dude was rocking on his feat and this is not a guy that was prone to fainting. That was of course noticed by loads and we prayed for him internally. God speed my man.

We just smiled and nodded and went back to Pabs and Margo and go work on our story. Just another job. One that would involve even more than normal of us working together internally which was a very good reason to do it. And because of who they were and the power they have over all the victims from a the compounds, hell holes and institutions. 

Was he ever here Daddy?

He had stopped coming into our bed so much in the mornings and has been getting up later. We had to wake him one day this week and neither us of know anything until after nine on Monday. Think we will take that bank holiday to thank you even if it doesnt apply to Scottish schools. We was chatting hard from 6 something this morning though. We wanted to cry. We weren't there at the gate for him yesterday he walked down with other parents. We were asleep.

Didnt think we would be writing so early today. But seen as everyone, everyone on twitter is saying someone who choose violence for money was the greatest man ever we had to come here. How better a way to keep the white watchmen of culture happy than boxing. Punching people for a career isnt nice. Never had much time for all that "yeah but its just to get in a place where real positive change can be made" shite either. Tools. Where the fuck do you think that comes from? People who really are making positive social changes for anyone? I don't think so. They talk about in boardrooms. All white board rooms. A career based on appropriation, intellectual property theft and calling women "bitches" also keeps them happy.

The photo of him and Prince didnt help. Cant get the stinking resemblance out of our mind. "Wish we looked more like you Grandad." He would always shake his head obviously he didnt not to validate any self hate but we could get him sometimes to look us in the eyes and smile and agree.

When we looked today. We feel raw emotion of the compounds and institutions and estrangement but there is a lot sickness to now.

The resemblance, the ways he was hurting us, the make up.. the compulsory "work done" look.. your not my dad..

Some fucking year. Who knows. Track that went behind Logiebank, but probably not. I'm in my grandad's arms. That part is real. He's on his hunches with us standing between his long legs and leaning back against him looking out at "Dad".

"Thats not him is it?" We say. He shakes his head. "That was real wasn't it" We said thinking about the reoccurring image we had of Grandad fatally shooting him by the burn. He nods again. He looks dissociated and we keep looking up at him until he looks down on us and we give him a "shit happens" shrug and he smilies, laughs and moans, squeezes us and says he loves us.

We let a blast of stressed and arguing feds, a guy in a body bag, a guy one the ground by the tree line being franticly treated and maybe someone else being hurriedly walked away who all look like "dad", Louise pale faced saying over that she thought we would save him and feeling defiant, standing frozen as we lip read Eazy speaking to fake investigators while our ears were ringing, blood on the rocks and in the burn, dead pine needles stuck in our palms and so much else from that day wash over us and reach out for none of it. We already had what we needed around and we felt ok now.

We were committed now and there was no getting round that everyone was massively relieved about that. There really was no other options now.

Oh "brothers" the full horror of the slavery and the grooming and the children is going reign down on us now and we are still alone and still under the heal.

Many, many people are greatly concerned.

You know it works, the natural and unnatural relationships between internal and external exchanges. What you dont know about is all the humans we have studying that and supporting us with it.

If we could freeze the whole world until me and Pabs were out of the UK we would. Let us go.

Think we will be buying any more paint? I don't.

June 03, 2016

Blue Moon

Going to need the air con vans, reception. Saw to look on the guy when we checked in. We figured he would be happy to help. We were not wrong.

How much of this can be do without asking CIA guy for help?

its brain surgery, I have DID, there are lots of people who dont want us doing brain surgery, any ptsd person can tell you a nasty trigger can stop you from doing whatever it is you are doing, they would be planning on making it impossible by blasting us with triggers relating to traumas we had not processed yet.

Basically I cant do surgery unless all the people we are most scared of are being watched very carefully. Gotta sit down with different people and list the people we are most scared of the things we are most scared of them triggering and will already be doing. This was looking more and more like a very good idea.

We wouldnt of been physically able to have these conversations before. We wouldnt of been able to motivate ourself to have them now without a specific task, something to focus on, a shared goal.

Everytime we slipped we thought of Margo saying in a shocked voice that the old black guy singing and playing the guitar looked like Jimi Hendrix and how easy it was to answer. She wept. We wept and sang.

We cant write up properly today. Too sad. Too broken.

We remember how we couldnt walk past that van. We remembered we were down, being carried in up the steps surrounded by hate that was thicker than dark and the heat and the nature night stenches.. Then we were up and being pulled away, shouting in our best Brit street rat "Jon your fucking dead. And you to Ollie. Noah your not my fucking brother."

We didnt make it out of Tuscany without any sexual torture. We desperate tried to tell ourself it was possible sitting rocking on the bed in the wee room in Skene but they knew thats what we were doing and made sure we knew they were planning on being there and destroying our chances for the next ten years. But we got their shields and cloaks and a whole lot else from them and exposed their whole history to people who mattered to us but we had plenty ways and means of doing that without us being tortured of course. Seeing the way the lads wept and held and each other up as our older lads held us up and applied local anaesthetic after the rescue. And comparing it to life here.

We did the surgeries, always training others, whenever we can. But not that night. We had statements to make instead. Between listening to the ripples of fire arms and shouting across the park and beyond. We look at the stars whenever we can and they noticed and it was decided to not give a fuck who else might be listening and take the interview outside.

"It's fuckin with the programming you see.." we attempted to explain. "We're told that no matter where we are or what we do we are Louise..theirs.. but before and during that Sirs, we were getting a whole bunch of really practical education. from other sources." They were looking at us waiting for us to explain further so we pointed up at the stars. "We're not in fucking Scotland.." and with lots intoxicated exaggeration "anymore.".

We could feel them smiling without looking at them. My neck was getting sore from looking up for so long in a plastic camp site chair so we slowly straightened and stretched it out without wanting to look to closely at them. They were burning even hotter in the dark. Against themselves and their people, against all rapists everywhere, about these rapists in particular and everything in play that meant we all knew that these particular rapists would be leaving the site in comfort and returning to their creative and interesting middle class lives when we were running on space and sources for refrigerated trucks and vans for the dead most of whom had never got the chance to get near us while us living would have you reigns tightened around our necks and weights on our shoulders beyond breaking point.

"Those American's really didnt want you lot to know they were here but there was no way they would stand back and do nothing when we were in that sort of pain and distress when they could do something about it. God bless 'em"

And first time since we got there we heard a soft laugh from one of them that we really needed to hear.


"It's like it was with her Sir" He said. Pointing to me. Maddie draped over his shoulder again for about the third time that day there had been another serious attempt to snatch her back in sex trafficking and surgery rings. "I know." Says his superior quietly and looks back down at whatever he was doing and said something low we couldnt here from where we were. Guy turns round and walks of. We know he would be storming off proper if wasnt for the clingon. We are hoping. Willing him under our breathe, come on man wake up..

He hesitates mid step when just about the past the restaurant and for a nano second that you wouldnt of caught if you didnt know him and where not watching him very closely his whole fucking body froze. We saw it gave the hyper vigilant Maddie a little start before he walked off. Just a holiday maker with a bairn.

"By jove I think he's got it." We said sneaking up to the "superior" once they were out of range and folded our arms and stared at him. "Your very unlucky Sir this is a very bad time to be getting involved in that game." and smiled at him. He started to say "what game" but our head was to the side and we were squinting at him with all we had. He pulled his vicious face and was about say something abusive and remembered in was fucking surrounded and wasnt going to be getting any air support..


They hadnt been in there usual spots for a day or two. Someone saw we had been looking at the empty chairs for a while. "Bad sign?" He asked as he sat next to us. It was all feeling very real. "No. Definitely not a bad sign. Maybe even a good sign." We looked over at him, our throat quite dry. "It might mean we have been promoted." We both sat in silence. Before we took a deep breath, "Either way it makes no fucking difference today or for years. So there is no point wondering about it." We got up to go to see to Pablo and he went of to deal with whatever park job he had to do.

I need my brain surgeon.

"Can I try some less physically invasive exploration in there before we take an axe to his skull and I separate the pink to find whatever the fuck is in there?"

There was no immediate objections. Someone didn't look to happy and was looking thoroughly unconvinced by everything but that was maybe because he didnt understand what we were saying or more likely didnt believe a word of it and thought we were up to something. And also we remembered when we took another glance and saw him a decade or so younger standing smoking in a forest of tall tress somewhere that's just how that dude looks when he's lost.

Whatever it was in there we didn't like the look or feel off down to a very deep level and needed it not to be transmitting or receiving or doing whatever the fuck it was doing with everything ongoing. We hate that shit. How they  literally took the light out of peoples eyes and there was no switching it back on. He didnt hold himself like a man who there raped over decades and we were getting something about when whatever it was put there. How we used to cry and cry and beg Mother not to rape people. Did they get us help with the designing and surgeries? We suspected not standing there in Tuscany in 08 feeling far from acclimatized to this amount of warmth on a clear September night. Making kids think they had helped when they hadn't was something they invested a lot more time on that actually getting them to do stuff. The chances of them sabotaging was to high. We remembered a tiny object in a surgery bowl in a theatre, its standing at about our height the operating table is higher and we are telling ourself we didnt help them make these and if we did thinking it would mean there would be a bit less rape when we were a little kid with everything they were doing then we forgave ourself.

 It was a metallic looking but we knew that was the casing she would turn her back and unscrew it and put a towel over it and "switch" us before they trained us in inserting it thinking that way they could control the surgeon we became without the rest of us knowing 

We had been made to watch what they did to older kids and were shocked when we they put us through the same steps at those ages as to why it didnt work.

They did catch one of us with the "help us make devices that will do what we want them to do with rape and we wont do it so much" line. How she wept as she heard what they doing to the victims after. Begging Mother why when she said they wouldn't have now they had those things and she said they would still have to rape and torture and traumatise because how else would they calibrate the implants. We woke with a start at those words but kept our hands covering our eyes without back against a wall and our forehead on our knees and tried to keep crying the same as we had been.

"I'm not buying that Rosie" she was now standing up the corridor now. We knew there was no point in pretending to her.

"Fine then." We jumped up and spun on our heals and bridges so quickly we got a quick sharp shock of friction burns of bare feet on the easy clean institution flooring. "We will calibrate them with love and hugs". As we ran down the corridor like the precocious brat we were supposed to be but in the wrong direction entirely then got ourself locked in a cage and told the orderly to say there was orders from higher than her saying we weren't to be let out. She stared at us throw the bars. We heard the noise she made as we had ran away. She was stumped. She knew those orders were fake and was relieved as much that we had made it up. Not sure where we were or what was going on but they were short staffed. She didnt want to be in room with me alone.

We had a laugh about with the orderly when she went walked away. We thought as we curled back up later to try and rest that maybe it would of been smarter to not have told her what we were thinking. The orderly saw we were scared and told us not to worry and turned off the cameras to unlock the cage and hug us. He turned up the heating so we would be warmer and more comfortable and quietly left. We knew what he was going to do and for a minute we stressed because we hadnt even thought to ask him to leave the cage unlocked so we could help cover his tracks and our oh so loud and clear words. Then we remembered they way he had held us and told us not to worry and feel asleep feeling nice.

We brought our focus back and looked at the bloke. They cant generally be "recalibrated" this was deep with a relatively short patch of extreme physical horror and then out again. Not the total fucking half experimental half based on decades at least of solid internal moral authority removal where anyone who knew them knew they were not the same person. This was subtler, meant to have more of gradual effect while the victim is politicly positioned.  He had seen most his crew slaughtered and was expecting the same for himself and was keeping himself dissociated. We waited. We had a stubborn little telling us to and seeing as they were only the ones that knew what we were doing, we did a lot of listening to them. There it was. A slight movement of his head, the squint in his eyes as he focused on something from years ago, the shift to face us and then the eye roll and the smile as it dawned.

"Dude. Your a fucking mess." He didnt disagree. We said we might be able to help him but maybe not. We were very busy and its was extremely skilled work that we wouldnt be able to on our own. We were heading towards talking ourself out of it permanently when he agreed and said he'd cooperate in anyway, that he had nothing to loose. Then he said "and everything to gain." and we said it together with him in Italian and we both were back in some corridor neither of us should of been in, for reasons I was not supposed to be motivated by, with neither us wanting it even occur to anyone that we were even knew each were alive and totally surrounded. Whatever the fuck happened we got out. To never, ever, ever talk of again.

But we might have to if wanted the kind of people we would need for the surgery which would mean negotiating with more Feds. Not just the "got a couple of recently deceased gentleman in a Mr Sir Elton John's service here who were attempting to interfere with anti child sex trafficking operations I believe you requested I was to contact you if a situation like this should arise Sir" Feds. Their would be a high chance that who ever we talked to would insist on being here and they probably know us. In fact they would have to know us or we wouldn't be letting them in ten miles of the place nevermind through the front fucking gate.

Damn it we we wouldn't be able to do the surgery without contact with US proper Feds but some already knew for certain we were here because we have to tell them where we are all the bloody time so they know it's us and not some bunch of deranged sadists. They would want to know who the surgery was for. They would want to know why there wasnt anyone there that wasnt familiar to them. They would want to know about whatever they had caught from satellites.

Folk were standing about watching us rub our chin and our eyes enlarged whilst we stood physically squirming at the thought of the questions they were going to ask us about what was going in Tuscany.. never mind Palermo.. What like they wouldn't of noticed the flights were booked? That they wouldnt have any questions about why we were going there.. after here..

We had no option but to woman up and not give a fuck. We would be able to draw out the story with guy who needed surgery to distract them for a while and there was plenty going on and people who would help us distract them. Besides if all else failed and they were still asking questions and making calls we rather they didnt the CIA we already here and already knew enough so they would be helping to.

We turned round and he was still there smiling. He was with various "The woman"'s though and it really brought us down a few times especially as he was such a clever dude and so fucking committed. I could see it in eyes, same as always, willing us to do it.

We told the surgery candidate to chill out, that we might have to stick him in a coma for a few days to stop whatever it was doing whatever it was supposed to do and as we were going to get it all set up and go to all that effort and there was probably others in similar states around so we might as well do more.

We figured it was pretty good time to time to start saying goodnight. It had been a mental day, tomorrow would be the same and so on and so on. We needed to see Pabs hopefully sleeping and he was.  And we knew that the sooner we were settled the site would also. Margo was drinking on the caravan step. We didnt stay up long. We couldnt really speak. In the horrid static caravan bedroom with the lights off, lying on the hard bed and sheets that arnt any less carboardy even if you do wash them we felt so fucking good. So fucking good.

We lay listening to park noises.  Bits of us lighting up like a switchboard recognising voices, odd words, at drunken singing, we let them all smile and laugh a little sometimes but told them not to tell each other too much too quickly as there was so many parts with much to tell and so much important work to be done.

We were briefly worried we would fall asleep completely and not wake up till morning and what a nightmare that would be but we didnt want to stop listening to voices outside and Tuscany in general anyway.  Plus someone was going to tap the window later.

We werent in there when they did but had remembered about them and were hiding in the flora, glistening. We sent one of them in the caravan to grab the change of clothes that we left on the bed. The were pretty shocked at the state of us. Two guys who were in one of the vans in front of ours though had seen us like that before and they thought our "yeah a wet wipe isnt going help much" comment was brilliant.  The Naples guys just looked on horrified as they English and Dutch dudes lay down towel and bags down so we could cross the van floor to the shower. We asked as they helped us strip if it was all the blood or our DID or both that was phasing them. We just got reassured though from the English dude and a head shake and some quite funny and very true verbal abuse from the Dutch guy.

"Just as well we are little" we said as the English dude attempted to help wash us off in the awful over toilet caravan toilet. The Dutch guy had used the the lack of space to pretend he wasnt phased and left his mate to it. It took fair scrubbing where it had started to dry on the backs of my necks, a few pans and kettles of water  but eventually my hair starting looking like my hair again. We weren't sure what had happened but we weren't worried although since the worst was on our back it probably wasnt us that did whatever it was that had made this much mess but we were more worried about the drains..

"They wouldn't of grabbed the sanitary towels of the bed did they?"
Was really glad that hadn't cause it meant the guy who was walking between the caravans was asked to by the Dutch dude through the living room window to nip in and grab the towels. We got pretty excited when we heard the name and voice of the Australian dude.

"You rippa" in very little voice, we whispered out the bathroom window he was well happy to see us to and came to the window for a proper greeting. He always looks right into our eyes and it always reminds us that if someone tells us we are someone else and treats us like we are someone else then we sound treat them the same and not see them. Then he will whisper stuff to us like its the most top secret important information ever but he's just saying he loves us and he think's we're ace.

"He's cool" We said to the English dude who was almost finished with our hair and Australian dude had continued on. He agreed. I got dried off and dressed and sorted out then went into the living room where the Dutch guy was winding up the Commora who were watching their universes collapses around them because the Dutch dude was just repeating all the shitty rumours that were being spread because he had no time anyone who isnt as briefed about us as he is.

We have always appreciated that about him.