Showing posts from April, 2018
Its horrible to back bursting into tears again. Wanting and needing to eat but can't clean or cook. Horribly triggered by everything dude is watching or talking about. Desperately wishing we could forget how to speak and not think properly in English. "Knowing" there is and has been more than violence, slavery, genocide and hate but not being to feel it,see it or touch it. Being so alone.

We have eaten though, a bowl of pasta in the evening as well as pancakes in the morning. We have taken the pill, the antidepressant and ordered painkillers, watered seedlings, made sure he ate something other than crisps and bagels and hang out with him for a little while. Hoping those plants arrive tomorrow we need the distraction. They are a definite positive to look forward to and maybe some weed might turn up to we will have the cash for it. Will be struggling not to give all the cash for it if there is any available but its highly unlikely there will any risk of that.

Wish somethi…
He's not here. He never will be. We were not closely related and I'm not sure he ever understood for long anyway what we meant when we said "I love you." So much keeping us apart. So much programming, trauma, surveillance and slavery in us both making it impossible for us to keep who we were in our own minds. We were so close so many times to getting out but everything here is based on antisemitism, hate and keeping keeping smart loving people suicidal until they have used us up. Everything here is about keeping easily manipulated, greedy, those incapable of empathy or imagination as leaders and role models. Everything here is sadism.

The calls were different afterwards. Sir you have murdered your only leverage. And yes we know it wasnt "you"just things you have been working extremely closely with for a very long time despite all the intel we provided to prove they were all lying and despite the massive daily damage to myself. May all of you, everything th…


Hate the way running out of good weed turns out all the light on our positive feelings and turns the full glare of a military grade spot light on our negative feelings. There is a lot to cause very bad feelings. Took the last of the diazepam in the early hours along with the last half of a big bag of Revels and bag of steak flavour McCoys when we got a headful of Paul. Paul and the Scots. Paul and the Brits. Paul and the Russians. Paul and the Japanese. Paul and the American authorities. Paul and all those Fascists pets pretending they are criminal everywhere. "Paul" because that was the only name he could remember being called. Like us and "Louise". Like English is the only language we can remember.

There isnt weed good enough even off planet to quell that war lust. Now we are hurting and sore didn't order more painkillers because we didn't need them. Hope the bloody plug plants don't arrive became we couldn't face it today. Already had a meter ch…


Jolly excited. Saw a deal that was wood, kindling, firelighters and one of them long lighters that should be delivered really soon. And the plug plants that are all from same place have also been dispatched. And of course still stocked up freezer and fridge terms. Well we need milk and marshmallows. But that's all. Some big skins would be good but the bank balance has been severely annihilated. There was a set with hedge trimmers and three other types of pruning shit for a tenner.. And we put the wine box on the list before we knew about g..

Candle and ornament rearranging weed..
I really don't want to be smoking it all waiting for the fire wood so we can smoke it under the moon. Could clean the kitchen but we will have to be in there later anyway to cook the spag bol. The wee shop has stopped doing the Aberdeen Angus mince but we found it on ASDS. Hell yeah.

Man its great we have finally stopped freaking out long enough to easy way to get photos we take on our phone to the t…


It started showering so we got out our dirty clothes, made a cup of tea and came up to our comfy hoovered room. Lovely isn't it? One plant came today glad more didn't come because we do tend to over do it. 

Found the final bolt missing for attaching the flume today. Chuffed.

Did we publish us wearing a star? We have been very much told not to do that. It will be our fault whatever they do because we wear that.. 
Love the whole lazy around, doing stuff indoors, doing stuff out doors, lazing around, having a bath, lazing around thing. Although we have been struggling with our highly mentally challenging tablet games because the weed is proper and kicks our ass a bit. Lol. Hope there is a little bit of sunshine tomorrow. Sunshine and showers works well for the plants and us at the moment..
Oow! Didn't we stick some sweet pea seeds in pots in the autumn .. Think a couple have made it.. I'm not going back out there to take a picture of it. I'm knackered. Love you Davey…
Ordered plug plants, fire wood and put in a big Asda order, with quite a lot of booze and a hedge trimming set. Annihilated the cash but looking forward to how fabulous its going to be out there. It was well into May last year i think before we started getting much done out there last year and Im glad we got out there earlier this year. Haven’t ordered anything we can eat though, just flowers its crazy for pests out there, something is munching the growing tips of one of the clematis as soon as they appear and its in a spot we struggle to keep cats out of. We chucked some bulbs in there but are not expecting much from them. The buddleia in the wicker cone is doing ok and the other is even better. Buddleaia we put in last year is looking happy. The rose is doing its best with all the cat shit. Bless it. Wonder if we will get some flowers from the honeysuckle will flower this year think it was going to last year but then we moved it around and over fed it and it came to nothing..

Cute …

I wasn't wearing my star when they came to the door

We took it of because we were gonna be in the sun and with the intention of cleaning it a bit before putting it back on. Also because we wanted to know we could just take it off and put it on again if we choose. After they left it was one of the first things we did and made sure it was showing when we went to shop with our teeth brushed and face washed. Hot water bottle know for the first time in a good few days. Unsurprising. So good to see the kids though and see them look so thriving. Unpleasant and uncomfortable being around the adults though but we all did a good job of pretending otherwise. We never said anything when called "Jules" or "Julia" but will have to as Deek did leave with our new phone number. For the kids of course. My name is Rosa. Am a victim of forms misogynist and antisemitic slavery that are both ancient and modern as was my mother and her mother and her mother before her. Your all cunts. The genocide is very real. I am wired to make sure I …

My twin..

Ooh Davey Baby we are so excited. You know how sunlight when we have been without can have us high as fuck. This year we don't have to sit on it like its an impossibly over stuffed suitcase with constant damage limitation over all the stuff we let slip. Even when it was safe we couldn't handle it. We couldn't bare the thought of them getting you but we did such a good job of keeping you out of our mind they we completely blind to you to.

Isnt it cute? The smell of wood smoke has come into the house and we love that. Reminds us of that Yurt me and you were in one winter, somewhere Northern and on a different land mass. Saw in your eyes your loved it as much as us we did and coped well with the cold on the way there. God the relief at size of the wood pile. And inside it was fucking adorable. There was some plumming but not much and i remember you playing in the buckets of snow I brought in to melt. I showed you how to make a mini small man and you thought was amazing but d…

he's my home

Its no one else’s business.

.. I could make decisions and not explain everything in great detail to people who didnt care about me and werent equipped to understand anything. Everything opened up. We were no longer trapped in the superficial and disjointed ways of thinking and feeling we had been instructed in and tortured into repeating. We could see how we were forced into that state and we could see everything we were before.

Its your decision.

My decision. Not theres. We didn't want to spend to long staring across all that was lost before we had been reminded that us being a person was a thing but we knew we had to see it or we would not have the motivation to convincingly pretend to have never left there.

He seemed to think he deserved to die because of the consequences of decisions he had made. We were shocked. But were glad to explain to him how grateful we were for what he had just said and that we didn't think it would help us to kill eveyone who unintentionally caus…

Dear David,

Hardy annuals. Thought you would appreciate them. Its hopeful seeing flowers from plants we put in a year or more ago. It got us to acknowledge the garden exists again and is ours for the time being. We might even of done some clearing up out there because there is sunshine but its stupid windy too. Ventured force into town today. Bad weather is fine for spending money on the garden and one of those cheap home stuff shops has lots of cute bits and pieces. We got little ceramic painted pot waterers, a tall metal flower, some bulbs, seed disk, a couple of jars with straws, solar lights.. We didn't buy dude any razors yet but we did stand and stare at them for a bit and accepted a little bit more that we will have. There's garden cushions in there to.. 
Haven't told him yet but we ordered a chimina.. Hoping he will come home from school one day and we will have a good little fire going out the back. We have been researching fire pits and such on Amazon for a while now. Detac…

Dude we are in a zombie apocalypse

Super duper irriatable. Need to take as few codiene as possible but its dam hard when in pain. So many times we have written the same shit about hating what it does to our personality, our patience with pabs and the cats and ourself and everything and everyone. It makes everything even harder. We stopped saying in every blog post that we need hugs but its still true. Its still heartbreaking how any good eating and cleaning habits fall to bits without weed. Its still impossible to not be repulsed at everything in the media. Forced the lad to take a break from his Walking Dead lets play videos to expose him to all the rampant supremicies of Guardians of the Galaxy. We knew there was plenty in it for him to enjoy and we needed to see the dancing baby Groot at the end.

He went back to the walkers after that. We didnt say the title to him or at least not out loud and hes not able to hear us well even when are. We did mutter something about not finding it entertaining if you have like live…
Hey maybe I can phone the chemist and find out what happened to that prescription then we check the time and realise why that suddenly felt doable, it was after six and the chemist is shut. Will manage tomorrow most likely as the cramping is getting us fairly nauseous as well as damn sore. We had a look at the few contacts in our phone. Seeing shitty texts and promises that never materialised from people and remembering crappy treatment from them enough to rid us of any urge to reach out for weed. Theres one that might get back to us but this is skint week anyway and we still haven't bought the lad the new shoes he needs.

We were linned up on platforms surrounding them and cloaked. Someone was worried that they would know we were there but we said they had little awareness that they were there so would not be noticing us. We listened to some of his speech or some of us did it was too horrid for us but we caught what we were waiting for, a declaration that if they failed to kill u…

i believe in you dad

Maybe we are giving us hints. The British soldiers who heard what their superiors promise to kill us like they  had the rest of my “kind” if we didnt do as they say, the monitors showing stuff we knew would happen but we still collapsed when it hit these more isolated parts that this is going to end. The associate we were with stopped us from hitting the ground and proudly handed us over to you.

We started to feel better after our codiene nap today, good things feel real again and we dont feel so hopeless. Its so good to get snippets of being happy and being loved and not just horror. Its so good to know we dont have to lie to ourself about all the genocide or split ourself by letting some of us follow  programming so we believe its not that bad, authorities arnt all fascist and maybe its okay to trust people. It was and is that bad, the authorities everywhere will stop at nothing to maintain their privilage and the rigid binaries that the unquestionable patriarchy requires. Crimes a…

The Winter returned

You do feel closer Dad and family but not close enough. Brain patterns have been particularly repetitive and irritating, the precursor to an attack from slaver bots who are long gone. We know to stay as calm and comfortable as possible or it will get worse. Its the boredom to of course poor brain desperate for something to do or something good to read that isn’t toxic bull or endlessly reproduced drivel.

Tell you about our day? We woke up soggy at about half ten when pabs climbed in our bed and complained about the sound our soggy jammies made against the soggy sheet. Hes right it isnt a nice noise but it doesn’t feel too good either. We chucked our old sleeping tshirts and havent bought enough new ones yet and was really glad when found the only other one we have dry on the bathroom floor. Was hoping to get some xxl tshirts this week we had tickets to see a kids show at the rep but the snow came back so we couldn’t go. Messed about with games on the tablet we do that a lots they can…

babies all big now

Hi Rosie, Cosmo and everyone else,

I might just end it there.. It feels so huge, so enough..

But it isn't of course. Just because we are having an okay couple of days doesn't make it okay that we are apart. The memories of all the horror might not be too much for us to admit as real but that doesn't change the levels of evilness or catastrophic loss. Its good to feel warmth towards the mes from then and their huge relief at being seen, accepted and supported by the rest of us. Can't wait to see you and hug you and see you hugging Pablo and know we are not alone with him anymore. We shouldn't be scared of him because of his size but we are especially when we are hurting and he's floppy/flappy. Got a for kids and parents spectrum book and a mental health one as well. We don't expect to start being able to articulate painful feelings any better any time soon but we feel better knowing that some vocabulary is there for him.

There is little big illusions left a…