April 30, 2018

Its horrible to back bursting into tears again. Wanting and needing to eat but can't clean or cook. Horribly triggered by everything dude is watching or talking about. Desperately wishing we could forget how to speak and not think properly in English. "Knowing" there is and has been more than violence, slavery, genocide and hate but not being to feel it,see it or touch it. Being so alone.

We have eaten though, a bowl of pasta in the evening as well as pancakes in the morning. We have taken the pill, the antidepressant and ordered painkillers, watered seedlings, made sure he ate something other than crisps and bagels and hang out with him for a little while. Hoping those plants arrive tomorrow we need the distraction. They are a definite positive to look forward to and maybe some weed might turn up to we will have the cash for it. Will be struggling not to give all the cash for it if there is any available but its highly unlikely there will any risk of that.

Wish something or someone would give us a reason not to hate. We would rather not hate. We prefer to share and help and love but not enough people here want that. Its a shame and such a waste of life and time for everyone.

Think further. We are trying. But we hurt so much. 

April 29, 2018

He's not here. He never will be. We were not closely related and I'm not sure he ever understood for long anyway what we meant when we said "I love you." So much keeping us apart. So much programming, trauma, surveillance and slavery in us both making it impossible for us to keep who we were in our own minds. We were so close so many times to getting out but everything here is based on antisemitism, hate and keeping keeping smart loving people suicidal until they have used us up. Everything here is about keeping easily manipulated, greedy, those incapable of empathy or imagination as leaders and role models. Everything here is sadism.

The calls were different afterwards. Sir you have murdered your only leverage. And yes we know it wasnt "you"just things you have been working extremely closely with for a very long time despite all the intel we provided to prove they were all lying and despite the massive daily damage to myself. May all of you, everything that created you and everything you have be used to create have a speedy and painless death.

I need you Paul. There is nothing but hate here without you.

April 28, 2018


Hate the way running out of good weed turns out all the light on our positive feelings and turns the full glare of a military grade spot light on our negative feelings. There is a lot to cause very bad feelings. Took the last of the diazepam in the early hours along with the last half of a big bag of Revels and bag of steak flavour McCoys when we got a headful of Paul. Paul and the Scots. Paul and the Brits. Paul and the Russians. Paul and the Japanese. Paul and the American authorities. Paul and all those Fascists pets pretending they are criminal everywhere. "Paul" because that was the only name he could remember being called. Like us and "Louise". Like English is the only language we can remember.

There isnt weed good enough even off planet to quell that war lust. Now we are hurting and sore didn't order more painkillers because we didn't need them. Hope the bloody plug plants don't arrive became we couldn't face it today. Already had a meter checker and a Jehovah's freak at the door which hasn't helped. Had a banana on a roll though and the dude is good for food. And we got a hot water bottle. And some cats. Here is the cats..

We go outside for a second or two. Move a pot into the sun, pick a slug out of a basket. It helps a little seeing things we planted last year or those two tiny green leaves, the night scented stock still as easy to germinate as ever. He was supposed to be here but it was impossible to communicate. Impossible to get near him. Possible to get any human near him. He was the boy me. We were told they always kept one male and they have Pablo now. They had him convinced that we wanted him dead but we loved him and just wanted to not be held hopelessly in the worst slavery and torture. We could do nothing. Think he felt it when he went down though and for a second or two knew how we felt about him.

There was far too many ops and ongoing horror to survive for us mourn at the time. We had to help Laura, we had to protect Pabs as best we could, we had to not die, we had to keep fighting to get the truth to places where it mattered. So much of it meant so little to us though. We were on autopilot. They won. We truley hate this place and want it annihilated leaving nothing left but dust and a memorial.

We cant put off the mourning anymore. We would never of survived without him. They never stopped torturing one of us to manipulate the other.

Love you boy whatever your name is, I think it probably isn't Paul and I bet there is people out there that will never stop looking for you and loving you.

April 27, 2018


Jolly excited. Saw a deal that was wood, kindling, firelighters and one of them long lighters that should be delivered really soon. And the plug plants that are all from same place have also been dispatched. And of course still stocked up freezer and fridge terms. Well we need milk and marshmallows. But that's all. Some big skins would be good but the bank balance has been severely annihilated. There was a set with hedge trimmers and three other types of pruning shit for a tenner.. And we put the wine box on the list before we knew about g..

Candle and ornament rearranging weed..

I really don't want to be smoking it all waiting for the fire wood so we can smoke it under the moon. Could clean the kitchen but we will have to be in there later anyway to cook the spag bol. The wee shop has stopped doing the Aberdeen Angus mince but we found it on ASDS. Hell yeah.

Man its great we have finally stopped freaking out long enough to easy way to get photos we take on our phone to the tablet that's big enough to be useful. Yes it helps us with our human origins but twisted up through torture need to share. At worst we grow our flowers and share it with whoever and whatever through blogger. Think we've had a few dreams about going back on Twitter. We are not curious enough to go back on to see what if anything people are saying about us going back to writing about genes, genocide and ancient and endemic antisemitic slavery rather than the sanatized "ritual abuse" stuff and focusing on the misogyny.

If there is any people on Twitter..

I'm not takeling that living room with the main source of the filth in there. He can help out with that before much else when he gets back.

Still really excited about wood and the flowers. Its gonna be stunning. We've been adding summery songs to our Spotify list.. Bought jeans that we may even shave our ankels for.. Got a flashback of showing one of the boys how to shave using our ankels because he was staniding in front of the mirror without a clue what do and we were in the bath. In Skene. We think.

Other places and other boys to.

It turned up after we had cleanered the kitchen and downstairs toilet floors and had tea. Perfect timing really. Kindling is wonderful. Long lighters are very useful. Big bag of silver birch that's a little too chunky but will see how we go.

Fire, sky, moon, loving it and didn't feel too much of a failure when we took skinny ma linky sausauges that hadn't fallen to the flames or to the ground and Jess in the house and into a frying pan on a gas cooker.

Had a shower and got our hot water bottle and a cup of tea. We are chuffed but we have that fear that allowing ourself any comfort any happiness will stop any efforts to help us because we are considered fine and safe and nothing to worry about. We wouldn't be feeling so good if we were in real danger, if people were not working to get us out. We can feel okay whenever we can because we know it will help them not slow them down.

April 26, 2018


It started showering so we got out our dirty clothes, made a cup of tea and came up to our comfy hoovered room. Lovely isn't it? One plant came today glad more didn't come because we do tend to over do it. 

Found the final bolt missing for attaching the flume today. Chuffed.

Did we publish us wearing a star? We have been very much told not to do that. It will be our fault whatever they do because we wear that.. 

Love the whole lazy around, doing stuff indoors, doing stuff out doors, lazing around, having a bath, lazing around thing. Although we have been struggling with our highly mentally challenging tablet games because the weed is proper and kicks our ass a bit. Lol. Hope there is a little bit of sunshine tomorrow. Sunshine and showers works well for the plants and us at the moment..

Oow! Didn't we stick some sweet pea seeds in pots in the autumn .. Think a couple have made it.. I'm not going back out there to take a picture of it. I'm knackered. Love you Davey.

Ordered plug plants, fire wood and put in a big Asda order, with quite a lot of booze and a hedge trimming set. Annihilated the cash but looking forward to how fabulous its going to be out there. It was well into May last year i think before we started getting much done out there last year and Im glad we got out there earlier this year. Haven’t ordered anything we can eat though, just flowers its crazy for pests out there, something is munching the growing tips of one of the clematis as soon as they appear and its in a spot we struggle to keep cats out of. We chucked some bulbs in there but are not expecting much from them. The buddleia in the wicker cone is doing ok and the other is even better. Buddleaia we put in last year is looking happy. The rose is doing its best with all the cat shit. Bless it. Wonder if we will get some flowers from the honeysuckle will flower this year think it was going to last year but then we moved it around and over fed it and it came to nothing..

Cute isnt it?

Im not looking so cute but here is my nervous and determined mug and a sterling silver star with a rose gold heart..


We liked this one because our face is blurry but not the star. And we couldnt take anymore its excruciating. But that is how we were dressed when we went to the GP for a blood pressure check because we are on the pill and smoke tones. Blood pressure normal we were surprised. It was fine she asked the usual stuff about inhalers and we said the usual stuff about only needing the brown but getting out of the habit of taking it regularly then we need the blues. She smiled check geninily at us which was nice. We have been treated like that before and similarly but there's been some severe horribleness gone down in docs surgeries and of course it would be impossible to commit acts of genocide and trafficking systems where multiple child are torturd to amnsia then told they are the same differnert individual  before being murdered while the next child or adult to be forced into that role is made to watch without the NHS. 

Big Asda shop today Davey. More booze than usual because we didn't think their would be weed and there is so we have love lots of booze some weed and plug plants and fire wood on the way. So that's pretty cool. We are gonna love being under the sky in the evenings when its dry and the sky all colours with some heat crackeling. Then doors we can lock, electrical equipment and plumbing for when we are tired and done with that. 

Yeah the undead at the door hasdnt really made us want to get out quickly. Its a good house and we have done lots of work in the garden. We are not attempting to organise and pay for a flit now anyway.  Does have us gearing up though. What we have always said about it being networks who have changed in their pro slavery perspective and plans for 2018. There is always major shut goes down in the summer. Christmas might go past without attacks but a summer without at least some kind of nastiness in the street or a major attack/attempt in the home or elsewhere. The low level shit like comments between passers by, dirty looks and the gobbing near but not on us can goes down unnoticed. There usually plenty of folk around that will smile and chat and all that. That is always a relief but we get scared of the them saying something horrific at any moment. And of course the sense of not being certain in terms of the upfront parts about the danger of eating food prepared by some one else. We all feel sure that the parts that know the specifics are not going to let us eat somewhere we shouldn't but from the perspective of knowing but for the up front isolated parts its especially heartbreaking. Its because we know we can't genuinely say there fears are paranoia and lying to them is not gonna help.

Quite wasted baby bro. Got the teeny tinny diazepam that I'm graciously awarded every two months. We got wine to. We don't give a fuck. Didn't get the codiene though probably wise. Can't wait to see you so I can get some real sleep.

Would rather be with you. Getting wasted just reminds us we are always be anxious without you. Think some of us didn't believe you were real until we saw your stubble and just broke all over again. 

We've done it bro.

April 22, 2018

I wasn't wearing my star when they came to the door

We took it of because we were gonna be in the sun and with the intention of cleaning it a bit before putting it back on. Also because we wanted to know we could just take it off and put it on again if we choose. After they left it was one of the first things we did and made sure it was showing when we went to shop with our teeth brushed and face washed. Hot water bottle know for the first time in a good few days. Unsurprising. So good to see the kids though and see them look so thriving. Unpleasant and uncomfortable being around the adults though but we all did a good job of pretending otherwise. We never said anything when called "Jules" or "Julia" but will have to as Deek did leave with our new phone number. For the kids of course. My name is Rosa. Am a victim of forms misogynist and antisemitic slavery that are both ancient and modern as was my mother and her mother and her mother before her. Your all cunts. The genocide is very real. I am wired to make sure I am committed at every level for long, short and medium term survival.

We screened those eggs you gave us back Sir. Some of the kids weren't keen but when they learned about where they had been that complelty changed. Thank you for making sure they all now know your intentions in regards to wiping us out because you can't make our natural abilities work for you are a ongoing and unwaivering commitment.

I love you Davey. Gonna go make more tea check ma games. Its always been so much worse than now and that's a relief but its never sad to. 

April 21, 2018

My twin..

Ooh Davey Baby we are so excited. You know how sunlight when we have been without can have us high as fuck. This year we don't have to sit on it like its an impossibly over stuffed suitcase with constant damage limitation over all the stuff we let slip. Even when it was safe we couldn't handle it. We couldn't bare the thought of them getting you but we did such a good job of keeping you out of our mind they we completely blind to you to.

Isnt it cute? The smell of wood smoke has come into the house and we love that. Reminds us of that Yurt me and you were in one winter, somewhere Northern and on a different land mass. Saw in your eyes your loved it as much as us we did and coped well with the cold on the way there. God the relief at size of the wood pile. And inside it was fucking adorable. There was some plumming but not much and i remember you playing in the buckets of snow I brought in to melt. I showed you how to make a mini small man and you thought was amazing but didnt like how quickly he melted. I loved the little noise you made when you got the connection between cold, snow, heat and water when you saw the one we made outside hadnt melted. Watching you help yourself to water from the bucket with your hand was also fucking adorable.

I don’t know how late long we were there but it really stands out as really wonderful time. We would cry sometimes for all the horribleness or because we missed your brother and sister but you would cheer us up so quickly you were so happy. I think someone found out we had a kid there with us and that was the end of that. Fade out again.  It was so bitter leaving and they we were there ending. We didnt notice the cold. It didn't go as bad as we thought it was going to though and not being separated from you saved us.

I hope you want to come home to me and Pabs and not have to do awful things to our own and each others mind to stay together and stay alive. We see you sitting next to the fire we knew we would but your maybe bigger than we are imaging now.

Happy to not sleep tonight. Drinking cups of tea and smoking the meh hash. Wierdly looking forward to it getting love light in the middle of the night. Its not like we can just run the burner all the time wood is not cheap. I really hope we can speak to you soon. Love you Davey.

April 18, 2018

he's my home

Its no one else’s business.

.. I could make decisions and not explain everything in great detail to people who didnt care about me and werent equipped to understand anything. Everything opened up. We were no longer trapped in the superficial and disjointed ways of thinking and feeling we had been instructed in and tortured into repeating. We could see how we were forced into that state and we could see everything we were before.

Its your decision.

My decision. Not theres. We didn't want to spend to long staring across all that was lost before we had been reminded that us being a person was a thing but we knew we had to see it or we would not have the motivation to convincingly pretend to have never left there.

He seemed to think he deserved to die because of the consequences of decisions he had made. We were shocked. But were glad to explain to him how grateful we were for what he had just said and that we didn't think it would help us to kill eveyone who unintentionally caused us harm due to be given very wrong information. He agreed to help us get as much truth out there as possible and it became a lifeline for us. At times we hated it though he was so rational and untwisted it was horrible watching him trying to comprehend what we had to share.

We often had to deal with sources before we got anything out to explain why and knew that would be used against us by whatever was left. Can't believe all that's over.

Hope you enjoy the work as much as we would, planning it was just a frustrating chore that could and should of been avoided so its was no fun.

Wish we had someone here to appreciate the house and garden. Someone who gets the scale and number of operations that have gone down to us from being here now. This should be some random female of less troublesome stock and history with a headful of nothing they didn't put there.

We keep thinking about livestock and how much better they were usually treated and feeling the pains of the abortions and the news when it was a girl. "They're not black." He snapped. It wasn't like we expected a different response we just didn't think we could go though it again and a left to term pregnancy might of given us some time. "There Jewish." And he added in a sneer to make us know that this was what really disgusted him, "They're yours." He might of spat at us then we are not sure it happened a lot and we got good at anticipating it and ducking if it was physicaly possible for us to do so.

You kept us alive through all that. We can keep you alive now.

April 17, 2018

Dear David,

Hardy annuals. Thought you would appreciate them. Its hopeful seeing flowers from plants we put in a year or more ago. It got us to acknowledge the garden exists again and is ours for the time being. We might even of done some clearing up out there because there is sunshine but its stupid windy too. Ventured force into town today. Bad weather is fine for spending money on the garden and one of those cheap home stuff shops has lots of cute bits and pieces. We got little ceramic painted pot waterers, a tall metal flower, some bulbs, seed disk, a couple of jars with straws, solar lights.. We didn't buy dude any razors yet but we did stand and stare at them for a bit and accepted a little bit more that we will have. There's garden cushions in there to.. 

Haven't told him yet but we ordered a chimina.. Hoping he will come home from school one day and we will have a good little fire going out the back. We have been researching fire pits and such on Amazon for a while now. Detached grill, comes with rain cover. Cool. Lots of future and weather permitting cooking and eating outside. And burning things and watching them burn...

Its okay we can write about how miserable we are to. The not so farness of the worst times they so very far away good times. We love you David. The overwhelming joy and the unending persecution and betrayal. All those baby boys over all those centuries. All those broken girls. You don't need to listen to any of them anymore. You got every we need you to know. Where will we meet? 

April 12, 2018

Dude we are in a zombie apocalypse

Super duper irriatable. Need to take as few codiene as possible but its dam hard when in pain. So many times we have written the same shit about hating what it does to our personality, our patience with pabs and the cats and ourself and everything and everyone. It makes everything even harder. We stopped saying in every blog post that we need hugs but its still true. Its still heartbreaking how any good eating and cleaning habits fall to bits without weed. Its still impossible to not be repulsed at everything in the media. Forced the lad to take a break from his Walking Dead lets play videos to expose him to all the rampant supremicies of Guardians of the Galaxy. We knew there was plenty in it for him to enjoy and we needed to see the dancing baby Groot at the end.

He went back to the walkers after that. We didnt say the title to him or at least not out loud and hes not able to hear us well even when are. We did mutter something about not finding it entertaining if you have like lived through anything like it. As we write we remember him screaming in Dundee, the terror in his voice the knowing they would split him again and we could do nothing. People did turn up to help that time i think. We were so out of it but remember him being brought to us in the bedroom so pale and shaking but we were so glad to hold him. Someone from here i think turned up and said they were going to take pabs away but we refused. He said he wasnt safe there. We said we wouldn’t be safe anywhere while everyone wad fascist but we would be better off together. We were trying not to panic we knew if that scum bag had took pabs that night we would never see him again. There was some talking between him and the other blokes then he left without him. We could see the rest of the blokes just wanted out of there its not like they had helped because they cared or anything so when one of them asked if their was anything they could do without looking at me we just told him to leave and they did.

We had no option but to use extreme security measures after that and that broke our heart because it meant no communication with anyone, effectively splitting ourself and leaving neither of us with much in the way of real memories. We took a moment to register our feelings knowing it would be a long time before we were so whole again and watch the tiny remaining scraps of hope and faith for Earth “civilisation” disappear forever. No one was going to care that we felt and feel that way. There was always a belief particularly in the English speakers that killing off all hope for here would make us killable and we have laughed in their faces about that a few times.

We are not laughing now though just sickened and sickened even further whenever we check the headlines or talk to someone. Soonish though. End of days brings a beginning of days for me and pabs.


April 09, 2018

Hey maybe I can phone the chemist and find out what happened to that prescription then we check the time and realise why that suddenly felt doable, it was after six and the chemist is shut. Will manage tomorrow most likely as the cramping is getting us fairly nauseous as well as damn sore. We had a look at the few contacts in our phone. Seeing shitty texts and promises that never materialised from people and remembering crappy treatment from them enough to rid us of any urge to reach out for weed. Theres one that might get back to us but this is skint week anyway and we still haven't bought the lad the new shoes he needs.

We were linned up on platforms surrounding them and cloaked. Someone was worried that they would know we were there but we said they had little awareness that they were there so would not be noticing us. We listened to some of his speech or some of us did it was too horrid for us but we caught what we were waiting for, a declaration that if they failed to kill us then and there they would get us in the summer of 2018 and the big cheer coming up from the gathered was our que to open fire. There wasn't many that got away but there was a couple  with all out fascist protection that managed to be ushered out in time. Like we are always saying the ones that are instructed to talk to us, folk whose numbers don't disappear from our phone are usually amongst the worst of the raping murdering fascists. We could of taken the shot we clearly saw the blonde hair being rushed away by some plain clothes cunt but it was before we took lots more of the horror tech down. We were tempted but glad to find out we were not so desperate to take that way out. It was such a relief when she texted a bunch of shite after we didn't give her a quid for toilet roll and we could end it without forcing the desperate upfront parts to remember.

We arnt scared. Not in anything like the states we were in before the hospital, or living in Dundee with fuck all memory or with the Johnston's, etc. Its horrid knowing the community and country you live in is literally creaming itself over the thought of torturing and murdering you and your bairn though. Its never going to be home. You can never trust or truly relax, not ever and that's exhausting but we don't feel it is constantly unbareable as we have.

Can't see how Fifers can take us out on their own. They have never done anything by themselves and there is stuff in place for when and if official state forces from here and abroad start making moves that they hope to be fatal or worse for us. If we can survive the ninities, all those times we were captured, held in restraints, drugged, anesthatised, Pablo's pregnancy and the last few years we can survive whatever's next.


We got your eggs back mummy. We can get them somewhere safe.. Do you want us to..

Make yourself a family.

Think that was maybe the last time we saw her smile at us and recognise us. She held on until she knew they were safe.

i believe in you dad

Maybe we are giving us hints. The British soldiers who heard what their superiors promise to kill us like they  had the rest of my “kind” if we didnt do as they say, the monitors showing stuff we knew would happen but we still collapsed when it hit these more isolated parts that this is going to end. The associate we were with stopped us from hitting the ground and proudly handed us over to you.

We started to feel better after our codiene nap today, good things feel real again and we dont feel so hopeless. Its so good to get snippets of being happy and being loved and not just horror. Its so good to know we dont have to lie to ourself about all the genocide or split ourself by letting some of us follow  programming so we believe its not that bad, authorities arnt all fascist and maybe its okay to trust people. It was and is that bad, the authorities everywhere will stop at nothing to maintain their privilage and the rigid binaries that the unquestionable patriarchy requires. Crimes against humanity and mass slaughter are essential in order to keep past crimes and genocide secret from the very populations who took part in it.. We have always wondered who the talk on the news, in churches, schools etc was trying to convince but its just how things are done. There’s the extremely vicious misogynistic antisemitism thats socially complusary across the social classes and the denial and pretense at humanitarian values because it sounds all cozy and nice while running both in people’s vacuos heids keeps everyone split, stupid and too confused and scared to do anything about it.

Im so glad im not like that, that i never agreed to slaughter people because they were smarter than me, because they were slaves or just because i was told to hate them. We never agreed to hand babies over to baby rapists in exchange for being left alone the rest of the time or for material gain. Our mother never agreed, nor her mother..  but its mostly irrelevant what women do or dont agree to. We are not given real choices, neither are the men but they are groomed and brain dead enough to believe they do and also to respect fascist orders or they themselves will be treated like they have been instructed to treat women.

Its kind of weird knowing and remembering stuff and not feeling so petrified or physically ill from it. Not that we feel nothing their is plenty rage and revulsion but we dont feel completely overwhelmed by it we dont feel like we died to like we did for so long. There is no fear that a part will remember something ze shouldnt and they will come back. There is nothing left to force us into letting extremely weak human shaped shells that they have power over us when it was something else entirely.

We are still stuck in this house on some very blood and heart break soaked soil on a depraved as fuck planet and its scary to say now that we are starting to truly believe it and not just saying it to try and feel less bad but things are going to get better for us, much much better.

Ohh after midnight. There will be new day gifts for me on the tablet games..
Love you.

April 08, 2018

The Winter returned

You do feel closer Dad and family but not close enough. Brain patterns have been particularly repetitive and irritating, the precursor to an attack from slaver bots who are long gone. We know to stay as calm and comfortable as possible or it will get worse. Its the boredom to of course poor brain desperate for something to do or something good to read that isn’t toxic bull or endlessly reproduced drivel.

Tell you about our day? We woke up soggy at about half ten when pabs climbed in our bed and complained about the sound our soggy jammies made against the soggy sheet. Hes right it isnt a nice noise but it doesn’t feel too good either. We chucked our old sleeping tshirts and havent bought enough new ones yet and was really glad when found the only other one we have dry on the bathroom floor. Was hoping to get some xxl tshirts this week we had tickets to see a kids show at the rep but the snow came back so we couldn’t go. Messed about with games on the tablet we do that a lots they can be a good distraction when we are not too sore or too upset then they just make us worse. Why does the inhabitants of Happy Street talk such total filth? Wish the pirates werent so sexist, a cheer leader? Seriously.. and one that sacrifices the ships health, both the healers are female of course and then there is “Castle White” where all the characters are just that.. No escaping shittiness and social divisions on phone games .. obviously. And why cant the energy in seekers build quicker we love the pictures and sounds. Have even returned to the three in a row garden one and are currently working on fixing up the pond. It will no doubt look spectacular if and when it gets finished.

Texted a dude about weed who said he would be round last night but didnt respond today its a new guy we got the number from the hash guy who gets pissed off with us asking for weed. We texted someone else who at least got back to us to say he would be touch if he can get some to us. Pain is not good and will probs get worse because we ran out of the pill because it never comes with our repeat prescriptions we always have to ask for it twice. Its maybe there now we havent managed to chase it up. We have the codiene even if it does seem to be making us feel a bit weepy as well as sleepy would rather just havw the sleepiness or no pain at all that would be even better.

The kid from over the road came over, that was good for pabs but the poor kid really irritates us when we are irritable and we are irritable a lot. Had pork and noodles for tea, later on we watched some Snicket, the hospital one so that had us clinging to pabs a bit. He eventually got into the books after saying he didn’t like them, the box set was in the charity shop window before Christmas and we had to buy them. We wondered if we would be up for rereading them ourself but cant. Although we are remembering our real past more and more we cant quite do it yet.

Thankfully after Snicket we were up for changing our bedding and taking a shower. After that we looked at the young persons mental health book we got for pabs with him for a little bit. He would rather talk about Harry bastard Potter or Stranger fucking tools of course but hes still picking stuff up. The book seems okay but not brilliant know kinda superficial and the trying to speak young person gets kinda cringy.

In our nice clean bed in our nice clean body now with hot water bottle, cup of tea and cheap after Easter chocolate. We’ve been thinking we might be up for going back to the dentist because if there is  any abuse we will be able to cope with and they tend to not give us so much awfulness when we are able to handle it. We would prefer to be safe of course though and have someone to help us, especially after.

How long? Knowing we most likely have the answer to that and are not hinting never mind sharing does not fill us with much hope. Love you all and get a fucking move on.

April 01, 2018

babies all big now

Hi Rosie, Cosmo and everyone else,

I might just end it there.. It feels so huge, so enough..

But it isn't of course. Just because we are having an okay couple of days doesn't make it okay that we are apart. The memories of all the horror might not be too much for us to admit as real but that doesn't change the levels of evilness or catastrophic loss. Its good to feel warmth towards the mes from then and their huge relief at being seen, accepted and supported by the rest of us. Can't wait to see you and hug you and see you hugging Pablo and know we are not alone with him anymore. We shouldn't be scared of him because of his size but we are especially when we are hurting and he's floppy/flappy. Got a for kids and parents spectrum book and a mental health one as well. We don't expect to start being able to articulate painful feelings any better any time soon but we feel better knowing that some vocabulary is there for him.

There is little big illusions left as you can tell. There is no separating people and institutions in the here and now from all those who participated in all torture and murder of previous decades or the shit that has happened and the way we have been treated more recently. It got us through thinking people would act differently if they had a choice and believing they were processing their experiences of mass crimes against humanity and would one day take steps so at least they did not work for or with them anymore and would stop legitimising smiling genocide machines.

Its so good though. Just being. Knowing you are strong and loving as you need to be. Knowing I will see you all again one way or another.

Feeling its going to be okay and not knowing we've worked with numbers that represent definite vast improvements and they were unavoidable as long as I stayed alive. Been damn hard staying alive though. So much organized to make our life unlivable but they are not used to adapting they are used to being handed a script then working with it in detail and making sure nothing happens that might mean some change or difference between the script and events. It was known my lots of the slavers that the source of these scripts was not infinite. They weren't trying to make it so that it didn't matter that there was no more scripts from a higher intelligence because they had such total control over everything and everyone. They had gone a long way in making that true. We knew we worked on and on and destroyed and destroyed. We knew we couldn't sleep but there was no time anyway if certain things weren't down by certain times it would all be pointless and truly hopeless anyway. But we got everything that needed to be done done that's why we are so tired and inactive.

Still need hugs sweeties but you all know that.

Love you.