April 30, 2016

We did this to your mum and we will do it to her to.

we did this to your mum to and we will do it to your daughters when they are your age. We will make you help us keep them alive for us to rape. Can you understand what we are saying there. Slavery by birth. Involving and protected by the highest levels. Can you see why mute and ignore people think that is somehow "not surprising" or the NWO. They get eight and nine year olds pregnant for the porn, ask us to sing to our already raped unborns and tell them our stories of trying to get to safety and market them. Put our words in our rapists mouths and tell us to be thankful our work is being appreciated.

Satanic trafficking. Borne out of empire and the hate and the greed and the hopelessness that breeds. But how will that help us survive tonight. How will that help the children survive the extremes of pain they are keep them in.

It was always part of the scene but some seemed really invested in it. It was devastating. Particularly when literally true but even when it wasn't because of the truth in what they were saying about they way women and girls are treated in general by men positions of power and how the rest of society tolerates it.

They got my mum, they got me, they got my daughters. We aren't in a place to know how many granddaughters we have and how many of them they got. When there are only ten years between generations they build up pretty quickly. We've helped a lot of abortions. We would never arrange a brutal one but when we had access to the right drugs. Sometimes decisions are easy. Sometimes not and we messed with our memory a lot to hide when a little tough bundle was taken far far away or if ze was cleaned and held and never knew anymore suffering. We understood how hard it must of been for people who rescued us and found us later than half way through a pregnancy.

There was so much encouragement and programming aimed at making us feel very connected to pregnancies. Some of believed they were taking to their unborn and could feel their pain. Usual there is a level of this we believe in but through all the sleep, food and sensory depravation, the rape that went on for days at a time, our age, the splitting of us, the constant emotional abuse and worse when the DJs and friends weren't around etc etc we don't think everything we remember experiencing particularly when we first start thinking about it is going to be as it happened.

Our biggest association from that time during the 90s, based in Skene is feeling so small and very pregnant and starved and sore, blindfolded and crying. There was something about "well this what you wanted, you remember your dad now don't you". Scottish bloke accent, we associated with Margo's brother but wasn't always. Then the handing over to Spoonie and Moyles and all those horrific scenes.

We know it wasn't anyone's fault but it was still so hard to forgive people for not being able to stop it and the longer and longer it went on the less anyone who loved us would recognise us when there was no time to show them before we were found again.

I know we did so much work to smash those rings but how can we not focus on all that is ongoing and what is just waiting and what is evolving even though we feel like we can't do fuck all from here so there is no point doing their job for them by torturing myself.

Where could all that hate come from? To hate foetuses. They are all just mad, skillfully manipulated mad, some of whom with essential parts of their brain removed to make them more compliant. They wanted us to fight them, to see them as an evil that we tried to battle and were defeated by instead of a it all being just more horrific shit that happened to us by people who had horrific shit done to them. They were terrified of our ability to stay grounded. They hated it. They would say they get us to do what they wanted just like our mum but we didn't believe it because if they had her doing what they wanted they wouldn't of murdered her.

The same games, same torture and rape routines were played out by different groups of people. Someone was trying to figure out what got to us most. We had no option but to never speak and only move if it could get us safer. It went very dark for a long time.

It is dark. We know the fake narrator is instead of a voice. We knew we couldn't have our voice when our mind has been segregated and sold off to most learned or creative tortures.

They would keep reaching us from whatever dark places we hide in. They needed us. We, catatonic and tied up and adolescent was the closest thing to a safe adult. How could we not look into Adam's loving eyes and not be forced out of the shade? How could we not see the stance and the pride in the girls and the fight in the girls and remember us and our mums. Or look at their hair and their dry skin and remember everyone else.

And little Suzie. Whoes real name is something our tongue aches to be allowed to pronounce. She needed her mum. We need her.

April 29, 2016

Many Strong Beautiful Phoenixs

We know that if we could die from missing someone it would of happened by now, when we went from great and good places to some of the worst. When our stomach had to adjust from a varied and fresh diet to one that wasn't. When we went from being seen and being loved to not.

There was some brilliant Christmas's in the bunker wasn't there? And birthdays to. Even when grandad turned up and some other mean fuckwit kids had shot us in the stomach with an air rifle. It ended up being a pretty good birthday. We remember Christmas morning sitting on the floor eating candy playing some game we had told them it was cool for them to sleep in. Our mum of one of our mums pretended to still be asleep when you called outside. It wasnt like anyone was going to be just passing. It was always so good to see you when there was no abusers around.

We remembered hearing the chopper when we were ha!f asleep a day or two ago and we knew how far away it was and it was something or someone good. There was one time came in from sledging with grandad and you were and from then on we couldnt come in from sledging without feeling excited and sometimes so unfathomably disappointed. We remember that feeling of not wanting to sleep or do anything that might waste a second or wasn't a good way to spend the limited time that could end suddenly at any point.

There hasn't been much ageing for us during the 90s & 00s, too much trauma, that must of aged everyone else so much. Everyone was tortured so much and with the conditions we were in it seemed to make sense that knowing how bad it was for us and the kids would of killed them. We were always so glad when we broke through that thinking even when it was just an attempt that they could easily stop before it started because we knew that if we kept thinking like that we would never get away from them at all. There would of been no now.

Of course we've been thinking about our three strong young women. The product of the Dream Team wanting a daughter from us each. Or at least that was being said a lot. They are not only phoenixs from all those horrific ashes either.

Knowing it isn't just us that wrestles with the hate, help. Knowing that we did what we could to show what what couldn't say. We were tied up and drugged and blindfolded so much dad and others and all the kids how do people tolerate that in their communities, their families, their authorities and industries decade after decade?

I'm sorry and know you have no more answers than us for whats being done to you, me, the girls and so many others over so long. We feel a bit bad for saying at least you won't have to polish turds anymore because you are so extraordinarily good at it and if we can't be together just get I hope you are busy and putting your talents to proper use.

Dreams have been hurting us again. Haunting everywhere searching for, grandad anyone who knows us and can helps us remember who we are. A water park that shows up quite a lot sometimes from a time we are still to distant from to know why we go back there again and again. It us an unsafe feel but we have had dreams about being all happy and confident there so rare for this system subsection it was brilliant. What we usually remember is being lost and alone sometimes trying to make the most of it but never being able to shake the lost and alone feeling. We see people who we think we know but they are cold and act like strangers when we approach.

Seriously sleepy know although having to get up to pee every couple of minutes will fuck with that.

Don't work to hard and I hope to see you in my dreams.

My name is Rose.

Rose. Its Rose. Rosa came about because we were going to say our name was Rose but then remember it was probably best if we didn't let people know we could remember. Her hair was mousy brown? Is that right? We can't remember being told her name. They wouldn't let us hear it.

April 28, 2016

Snow in April

There is no way we have put enough humiliating details in that form. We never mentioned that the before our period starts is common that we can't function for weeping. We forgot to mention the infected cysts. Dad they are probably gonna demand we go to an assessment when we can't do it to ourselves. We have lost that young and alive positivity that believes that just by leaving the house we have increased the chances of something good happening for no reason other than being young and alive. Even when we knew it wasn't true not for us and maybe not for anyone we could still feel the possibility at least but after Dundee and us ending up here broken and alone like we had barely fought at all, for the child abuse and the cover ups and the careers of people like Jacqui to continue like no one knew..

Anything is possible you were always better at believing that than us. We just believed in you and mum of course and that helped us believe that other people might also be worth the risk of talking to and maybe even trusting. Its really snowing, flakes in big soggy clusters. The trays of seedling are back in. One year we were with mum, it was just just and I had to go out for pee in the middle of the night and realised it was snowing like it is now. We covered the wood we said we had already covered and then pulled our sleeping back to the front of the tent and fell asleep watching the snow fall. Until mum woke up freezing and pulled us back in and shut the door. We feel back to sleep in his arms with him smiling. Think he just loved to see us act like a kid and to have us back.

Sometimes we would sneak out and grab extra blankets. He didn't approve to begin with but later on he was the one going or ordering others to get them. Balnaboth had all these antique down duvets and stuff no one was using and we were freezing it made no sense. Sometimes it was to risky and we just shivered alone. We were so glad to be safe though we didn't care about the cold. It was a different kind of cold. God it was a relief when we could go to the bunker though. Warmer and safer. So much safer. Sometimes we couldn't sleep in fear we would be snatched at any moment and would stay awake in his arms until he was awake, panicking at every sheep or pheasant.

It must if been hard for him. Seeing us turn from so happy and spirited to clingy and fearful. And you to. Soon we would start to get that we were to far out and start relaxing more. The shit that was pulled on us though when it was ended. Horrible gases and stuff. Cunts.

Thinking of the hours in tents as the sun rose in the spring and earlier summer we know we spent a lot of time wondering about our biological mother. We can see the face from the footage a little more.

April 26, 2016

Typical Scottish Spring

Tuesdays. We hoovered, opened up the new hose on tried it out in between hail storms, ordered clothes for me and dude from BHS, had a bath period starting hence the energy levels and the pain levels, smoked, ate salt and chilli ribs and chips for tea. drinking wine, taking a break before going back to whatever hes watching on cartoon network. Brave of us some would say to be publicly declaring the start of our cycle after what we have been saying. Not scared though. Too full of food and drink and weed.

Really bright again this morning. Margo would of loved what we've been doing with the garden. It burned that we couldn't do anything last year. Sure we wrote and repeated the lines to Jacqui about reasons why things were so hard but we knew it was fear. Fear of what would happen to the kids we cant get out and fear that doing what we needed to do here would fuck up what was ongoing for those we could help. You know, they know and we know they know how much the waste and cheapness of life gets to us and people like us. The total lack of value that their family saw in Margo and Laura is disgusting to us. The emotional distance from everything needed to survive all the time in that situation is catastrophic. We do worry what its going to feel like to hear from anyone them again after all that has been done with and processed, if and when it happens.

Think we are switching between relief and release over no longer being in contact with Jacqui or the families. There isn't much anxiety about not going to see the gran in the nursing home. Feel sick for Gracie and Tommy of course who are probably still in that house as the decades of torture and imprisonment and abuse there of all the child rape that happened there involving those people roll back. No words about them or anyone else from the police but we weren't expecting any. Its not on the schedule and we are doing anything that requires any scoop monstering  and "Quine what's going on?" and "don't tell him that"..

Bound to be some would like to though and the main things stopping them and in their heads. Their not my dad, grandad or grown up bairn of any colour..

Notice we hold a lot of tension in our jaw again..

A semi decent summer in Scottish out in the hills had the same effect on everyone "..the land, the land. Those colonial bastards.." Love it. Showing you what we had learned about wildlife. Taking you to all our hideouts and secret watching spots. Knowing we were telling you stuff people were going to ridiculous efforts to try and find out pay stupid money and you weren't taking half of it in because it wasn't what was important to you. Knowing that when they had you out there running you knew all the secret safe spots. God what a relief it would be to find you scruffy and bedraggled but safe and unharmed they hadn't got you.

The hours playing with each others hair ..

The frustration at the ripping at ourself open with the shards of the past and when we get a bigger picture we don't give a fuck. Theres seconds a minute or two of feeling our self in our self and the pure relief and then we go back to hacking at ourself with another shard..

Love you all

Not out.

I wasn't sure about them but they did seem different and things were awful so we listened to them. They were different they told us what they could tell me and what they couldn't. They weren't obviously drunk, high, dissociated or lying. They listened. We associate them with outside the back of Logiebank the most. Not sure how often or for long we talked to them before they showed us the tape. It wasn't on for long before we started puking, or collapsed or screamed or all three or something. They turned it off which was a bit of a surprise to some and started calming us down we think we can see one of them over our knees one of the women, two or three others.

Think its the same people who told us to "forget he's there" about the guy doing the recording and as they weren't already involved in everything didn't realise how literarily we would take it. They found out later on think the guy who did the recording told them we talked a lot to him. He was a bit younger than the others and from a different background we sensed he hadn't been as privileged. We developed a thing when as soon as he had packed the stuff away and no one else was around we would start feeling comfortable with him to remember in great detail and tell him in a chatty manner, think we can still remember how pale he was the first time, hands shaking as he tried to get the sound gear out.. Then one of the others walked in and the poor guy had to try and repeat whatever we had said and couldn't. It was impossible. We knew there was no way we would be able to repeat it. We saw how human and stressed he looked and it was so comforting we couldn't help smiling at him so much that everyone noticed.

It just became something we laughed about and it had be expected that it was impossible to record it all or to expect all our parts to accept being recorded. That was quite a digression. We have no female mother, we were lovingly engineered by aliens and then delivered in a ball of light or brought down in a space ship by Eagles loving space renegades. We knew how that tape ended. We knew what happened to her all the way through. They said they were sorry for showing us it, for asking us questions and they were honest about there being a lot they couldn't do and that was what really brought some of us in. We said we were on our own a lot of here and when we weren't we were being hurt badly a lot. All the kids were and the adults sometimes to.

They encouraged us to ask questions to.  We asked them the freeze the screen so we could see her face, my mum's face. We watched his back as he paused it at a good place. We knew they were going to choose one at the beginning before he started saying what they were going to do and it starting. When she looked OK. They showed us something we had seen before but it had been an accident someone let the tape run when they shouldnt and been they realised what we were watching they started frantically telling us to forget what we had seen, then forget that we had been told it was our mother's death and our birth and it was what was going to happen to us when we were older. He contradicted himself so often in such short space of time he accidentally grounded us in the ridiculous contradictions involved in mind control and children.

They said the tape showed we had known no love and never would but later on it showed my dad, or a man anyway picking up the baby from the pieces of her mother whom he seemed to know and love and holding her with so much care and love while he sobbed. They wanted us to see that love and believe in it when we knew we would die out here without help so they seemed worth a go.

They asked how we knew it was our mother and father and me that was the baby. We said we didn't. We said we didn't know. They were good at taking to different parts and not forcing us to be one or another. You would hear them openly discuss what was the way to do things and how to not hurt us more and include us in conversations sometimes to which dumbfounded us the first time.

We asked if our mother, the women was very, very clever. They went quiet and still. He asked if we very, very clever. We had to take a breath, ground ourself in someway before we could answer properly.

We were always much more worried about the people they were talking to, their bosses than them. They said we were right to be and sure enough they were replaced by abusers with the material forcing us to go through everything that happened with the non abusers and expecting exact same results. Getting frustrated that it didn't work and worked less and less the more I was put through out it without breaks and with worse and worse treatment. I remembering sobbing to one of ones that took orders that I didn't know what he excepted of me. They just stood around looking away or watching emotionless when they worst assaults happened. After nights like that we would be to tired to walk to the bunker or anywhere safer once they put us in Logiebank.

It would be so hard to say that he told us it was us to sometimes it was too much too remember anyway but there was a lot of abuse aimed at stopping from us from saying or remembering that. They would weep at the state we were in sometimes. We would tell them we would be OK and that we just needed more hugs. They had been officially replaced by whatever sent them over but they came back quite a lot. We trust them. They are with us now. But that does mean we generally have no idea where they are what they doing.

It irks.

(No longer without. Can you tell?)

April 25, 2016

Lines of light

We don't put the bathroom light on and shut the door. For a moment we catch ourself wishing we were back there. Not that we miss the rape and torture but the darkness in between with maybe just the outline of the line visible in the darkness if were being held in Skene, Dundee, Jersey or some other domestic type location. We remembered how our brain would play with that rectangular outline or just the line if that was all that was visible trying to keep itself alive. No responsibilities, no hope, no feelings at all just darkness.

We were like plants they wanted to flower. We heard someone say if there was any light at all it didn't work. The Todd's liked us positioned so we could see the line of light though so we wouldn't forget where we were and that we belonged to them.

Ffs how many ppl can we possibly belong to?

April 24, 2016

All out.

We've clean jammies on. They've been on the line since yesterday so they smell great. Was there phonecalls on Sundays and that was partly why they were so awful. They had to make sure we didn't take them in or in any condition where we would be fighting to tell the truth. For many of us you were something we knew there was no point in trying to have anything to do with. There was too many sick cunts interests involved and they were well connected and rich enough to keep things as they were. You were just something else that some rapists talked about and some other rapists told us to not talk about when we couldn't if we wanted to we didn't understand words lots of the time.

The only reason any of us wondered if there was any truth in it was because we were told to never mention it too many times. Sometimes we would keep seeing your name printed and would be so grateful if it didn't trigger whose name it was or what it was written on. What good was knowing that to us in that. Knowing it was a partly why we where there, why we were being raped so much and why we couldn't get out was of little use to most but the strongest of us otherwise it was another stick to beat us with, another carrot to get us to behave, another route to knowing how extremely dangerously corrupt everything is and how incredibly unsafe we were at all times.

When they could and they could a lot at different times over the years they made sure we associated thinking or talking about you with extreme violence and sexual torture. Pregnancy porn, the worst of the worst. It would be blamed on us talking about you even if we didnt believe it. Then of course we would be put in situations where people talking about it all the time to force us to trigger it.

We explained to Jacqui that we were too old and too scarred for the big money specialist investors to be as keen as they were when we were a child. We told her every scar basically represented a bunch of hell that didn't happen to us as well as bunch that did of course as well. She got that impatient, pissed off look. She told as you were a major investor but it was so obvious the next thing to say besides we know money that is "ours" is moved around in all kind of horror industries, its all part of the slavery and of course it was pretty obvious you would have porn industry issues. Ah the looks on the faces over the decades when we would answer "you dad is a perv" and "your dad is into everything you hate" with "actually the fact he can make those videos and we don't hate means he cant be that bad" and "yeah he had a very different childhood and he reacts to things in different ways to us". The best they got was knowing its not safe to talk about emotionally possible to think about.

I guess we could go on..

" oohhh our dad has been involved with the porn industry we had no idea we never would of guessed what with being a sex slave and all"

Its easy to see how we incorporated things we were exposed to in ways far beyond the creators intentions.  Guess it was something we forced ourselves to take from the porn - don't be afraid to ignore all the rules to suit your aims. We would be scared of course that we would find you tolerant to what was being done to us or too blinded by fear to see anything like Margo. If we can feel our gut at all we know no one that cares for anyone supports something like that.

When it was decided that we just thought talk of being your daughter was just more abuser manipulation it made as much sense as anything else. We weren't hearing words we were just trying to reduce the damage done to us second by second what could it possibly matter who we were or weren't related to. We knew children were told another child's history was there own and that they would do it in front of the child whose history was being erased. Hold onto nothing but the possibility of a life elsewhere. Otherwise they used it to mentally destroy you.

Then one time when we were feeling stronger but amnesiac of the pregnancy porn during a set up we were aware enough to know was being repeated. They had a bunch of girls and a bloke would demand to know who was your daughter. We knew dad things happened whenever who was told to step forward eventually did so. There wasnt a lot of them in the house so we stepped forward to see what would happen. The bloke look confused. Which we were expecting but the other girls seemed more confused and worried than I thought they would be. Not sure what happened next think the bloke tried something halfheartedly that we could easily fight off and left the room, it was the bedroom in Skene. Then they girls said some stuff that was just as unconvincing and left to and we were left alone, thinking "fuck". None of the parts around that day looked at any of those girls the same way again.

Think we might of had some questions to whoever had been aiding us feeling OK sometimes that we didn't think were that direct but things stopped being okish at all very quickly after.

We knew it was a technique to fill victims heads with fiction then stop them from thinking or talking about it so they can't process the traumas that were going on when they are being told to believe something and then figure it out and that they tell victims the truth in the exact same ways just to keep them confused.

What did it matter you are either a sicko or just a big a slave as us and be just as surrounded. If you were are biology then many of us saw the slim hope of ever getting out disappear. You would look so hurt whenever we told you that and would usually say you would die for us and we would you shouldn't have to. Sometimes we would say we wouldn't die for you and that would make you feel better other times we were just so angry that we live in a world money can give some people so much power over others we could only cry.

Other times we would say we would get them of course and get you out first so you can get away from your slavers because we could lots of help from people who thought I needed my daddy.

Its just so good to remember. I hope we didn't fuck it up and everyone manages to not fuck up whatever happens next. At least we have our memories now and how can we go anywhere without them? That's the point of taking them away. Getting too tired now. All out of essentials.

I love you. Don't do anything too stupid but don't do nothing either.

Yuck. Sundays.

So wish we could do more. We are just hurting ourself though oh we will just bend down or scrunch ourself up to pull up these weeds oh we will just pick up this big pot of earth and move it over there oh more watering ..

Ow. Ow. Ow.

We kept an old promise to the lad that if we sat in pee when we went to pee he would instantly lose the living room. Currently on the coach with comfies with Malcom in the Middle on while we humpfs through the glass on the landing.

After a while he gave up and went outside and did some weeding, came in saying he was proud so we let take his DS. We are keeping the couch and the big TV for know. There is enough cash to order pizza, too weepy sore to clean & cook. Glad there has been plenty good decent weed this week. Made the gardening more possible and fun. 

Thinking about the assessment form. Figure we have better shot if we write as much as we can, provide a sheet or two of extra information, remembering the kind of questions that were asked two years ago so maybe we won't ask us to answer them again in person.. Its just not possible to go through again and there really is no babysitter. We arnt dissociated enough to forget the pain, anxiety, exhaustion and dangers of going out there. Add an interrogation and the journey home again.. Like a lot of people we are scared.


Its the kind of thing we would hear people talk about but then stop when we were out the room, how we didn't know and other shit we would have to stop ourself from hearing because we would hate them so much. Then they would go back talking to us about Margo and Bill being our mum and dad.

We knew it was set up and encouraged to fuck with us, to kick away the denial that made life possible and it worked.

Yuck. Sundays.

April 23, 2016

Black Nazis Suck

Hi Dad,

We are OK. There was sunshine, yesterday & the day before so we were out in it, throwing seeds around, pulling up some weeds and sitting there soaking it up. Its not so warm today but we ordered some plants that came today, violas, sweet Williams and some other things we can't remember name of. Glad to fill the hanging pot with the pink flowers and the bright coloured Spanish one with some of the violas on it and hang them. There is lots of seedlings that we don't know what to do with except try and not kill them for now.

We have lost that unmanageable heart brokenness at the thought of being here never mind longer that was so fucking awful last year. Not that we feel at home or settled just that our mental health and shock levels are better. At least if we are stuck here alone there will be some flowers to look at. Tried to get Pabs involved but he wasn't interested and punished us for attempting to involve him..

We think of you and what you would feel and say if you saw us trying to keep going with something when we are in lots of pain and that gets us to stop. We were worked til we dropped and had to work ourself til we dropped because the very real danger of losing whatever we were working on if we stopped makes it so hard to get right. It impossible to avoid pain completely of course cause we are plenty sore from doing nothing but that doesn't mean we should me lift heavy stuff pretending we are fine and that our pain doesn't count anyway. How do well feel when our bairns treat themselves like that?

Did the usual "wish we had also said that Jacqui talked about this to" thing. We don't know precisely who heard live, who we told and we heard after but not that we think about know we hit the phones pretty hard at some point. We remember the bus station thing to, when we broke down on the bus after the session had that thing when you hear someone crying really loudly and then realise its you. Folk were cleared of the bus and we were scooped up out of there. 

Did someone have the balls/death wish enough to blog or tweet the words "well Jacqui you have certainly giving us all the information we need to fake it"?

So many levels, so many games..

All we can do is give people choices Jacqui if he's in that lift then he really is a thieving old queen..

We are probs paraphrasing from different occasions, it wasn't getting the effects she was after she was trying again and again. Telling more of us every time who all have their own contacts and methods.. You see how we had so much probs thinking she was on our side really?

Which is never to presume the shitty forces haven't won but when you have done all you can to make sure relevant parties have all the relevant information before some shit goes down it takes less time to be on your feat again after.

Inside of the house is mostly far from fabulous but its here if you need it.


April 20, 2016

We have the best Mum ever.

We didn't think there could be a goodness that could match the horribleness or love to match the hate but there was. I'm so sorry about yesterdays title. I know you know its our way of working through all the crap but still we hate it. You were the only mum we could of had, you never expected us to act normal and wouldnt tolerate us acting and we needed that so much and always will. 

When things were at their worst it meant all the crap that was forced on us when dissociated would fall away and we would remember you and who we were, the bunker, the smell of damp waxed canvas and sweaty blokes, the taste of tin.. home.. There was no better place for us and we only doubted it when we felt like a burden and we were always talked out of that. Summers in the hills were the best. Its so hard writing this. I dont want to remember them separating us from you or what its like when they have us locked up or locked in. We know there were times when we decided we would never remember you to protect you and how you looked after me from them but it hurt you too much.  You were right, spending as much time even if it was just minutes together was too important to give away but I hated them knowing anything about us, they didnt deserve to, they didnt understand anything about anything that isnt horrible.

We talked around things a little with Jacqui, she asked for names we said that was often difficult for us back then and hadnt gotten any easier. She didnt want to let it go but we said it wasnt important to our therapy that we told her your names. She said it might convince her that is was real.. Think she pulled out her programmer behaviour we were not to worried she would get much out of us, think that was one of the times she asked us a question when we were under but the answer to what ever she was after woke us up, "Fuck off Jacqui". Thank you.

We were always trying to get back to you but the more we tried the more they knew how important you are to us and they would drive us further apart. With every kid we had we knew more about what they put you through by torturing me and keeping us estranged from you. Sometimes it made us want to hide from you, some we wouldn't have see that pain but we couldn't keep it up, we needed you and would go and see you even if you couldn't see us. There was so much being done to us we didn't want to put you through it all again, the surveillance we were under was just unbearable.

Glad we talked about how much help we would need as an adult, even if everybody is all still entangled in premium grade bull shit to do much about it. I love you mummy. Need you.

I'm sorry we can't write more, about when we were really little and you tried to do everything perfectly before you learned that no one can do that for any kid. Or in the bunker knowing you would be coming back. We felt so special, so valued, seen and safe. Fuck. Really wanted to do a thing there, you know when we say the thing we wish we could do  but cant and then do the thing we just said we couldn't do. We can't ..

Don't think you are ever not our real mum or that we never thought of you as our real mum. Leigh would tell you they same and everyone else. They did a bit of mothering but what we had been through what we had ahead of us meant it had to be you. It was right. It made sense. Not much else did or does.

April 17, 2016

I dont have a mother.

How do you empathise with people who demand love or friendship or support or money after they have tortured you? You can't and they show signs and say how they get a bigger kick out of torturing someone who who doesn't want to torture back, kids who feel for others the most, adults with an inbuilt revulsion in response the loss of human potential.

The rich black abusers in the states, Mr Harris are on our mind a lot.  Taylor to but not so much from the beginning and we both little kids we said she didn't have the IQ to survive or to really get at us after and the hold her partner had on us is because shared time in the Scottish rings and the DJ scene so he had a lot more training in ways to get at us. We faired better when we stopped being scared of what he knew about what had been done to us and who we were and all the horrible people he associates with. He brought up our "real mum" in what looked like a desperate attempt to push us back under think he said what we have been saying in the last couple of days that she is black and rich of trafficking but we were past any triggers like that working. All we cared about the present and horrible death it was going to lead to if we didn't fight it with everything we had.

Every time someone tells us they were forced to do something horrific to us we buy it a little less and he said it a lot. Lots of people would say it a lot. We weren't very old a tall when we started believing there was only two types of people dumb heartless ones and everyone else. We have no problem with empathising with what happened to someone when they were a child but we don't turn that into identifying with our abusers and the abusers of children. You are not the person you could of been, you are the person you are.

So were we sent out to Scotland, fulltime trafficking and poverty because we wouldn't do what we were told over there?

But its not like that birth with our dad there and the woman being slaughtered has gone anywhere. If anything its stronger. Its been hard not to notice that whenever we thought about our mum being dead we felt sad in a calmer way instead of confused and quite so terrified. Of course it also meant there was less chance of us being fooled by any of the women they presented to us as our "real mum" but after a while they used this as a way of getting us to feel like Margo was the only mother we had and if we couldn't remember our lads at all it would he really awful.

Our feat could usually find them even when all the rest of us are completely lost.

Christ we have been grateful for the contact that goes on between Johnstons, people who agree to tell us we are Louise etc and the rest of the trafficking networks because when they are trying to convince someone isnt really an abuser over hearing those conversations would always brings us to our senses. You all talk to each other about me but no one talks to us except to lie, none of you can ever be my friends and family. Even if you keep our people away for ever and we die skint or if Pablo spends his whole life thinking he's Scottish and we arent being held hostage.

"White Power"

There is times when we can appreciate this. We are not beyond sabotaging them though. Of course not it might of been half a year or more since the last session with Jacqui, since we let the programming run its course at Grahams and propositioned our rapist son who thankfully had been sufficiently warned off. Its not like he can lay a hand on us without it all coming back up for us anyway sometimes in very literal ways. Over three months till we found Margo with her teeth half in and the paramedics asked us to preform CPR and her scum bag horror story of a brother walked in.

The absence of abusive relationships on a day to day, personal level, is slowly stating to sink in.

The fear that we would be crushed by the past unravelling is gone. Not that the horror can really leave but the hold of the people who were there and who put us there starts to crumble.

That was last night. Latter on that night we getting stuff that was about a mother who is an abuser and not white skinned, part of a wider American network that stirs up hate in the states and internationally and aims to keep "race relations" to make it impossible for black VIP organised crime to be exposed. Yes indeed the Dream Team werent just working for the Brits, the BBC isnt just working for the Brits. They are very closely linked to the actual white power, actual cuts eye holes in pillows, card carrying KKK groups as well as the hard core human slaughter porn industry of course, some of them know and they don't care. The rest work very hard to make sure it cant be proved they knew. They are abusers and abusers exploit any and everything if they think is to their advantage. That's what abusers do they abuse and exploit horrifically.

We wouldn't buy it. When we were in the bunker alone or places where there was much easier access to us that "I need my mummy" voices, the pain it didn't seem to match, there was something not right about it.  We didn't feel like us when we tried to own it. We would experiment with different faces and seeing if any of them fitted "mummy" but none worked. The only big emotional responses we got were for people who we knew were mother figures but definitely weren't our biological mothers.

We started watching the lads whenever we talked about "mum" and we saw there whole body language change. They went totally subdued, depressed, heads down, irritable with each other. We hated it. It was spotted that we were figuring shit out but when we were back showing them that we truly felt that whoever she was and whatever colour she was they were my people because they were looking after me in all the good ways and if she did love us on any level she would understand. Some of them cried. They had been crying a lot anyway because bastards had them convinced they wouldn't get me back. We wanted to do it before the bruises and the injuries had healed. That felt important to us and we were right saying what we said with all those physical marks left from people telling us not to say what we were saying was really healing.

Later on away from the group with someone we starting getting frustrated at the done this before feeling. He just smiled at us and told us not to worry. He smiled even more when it dawned on us and be moaned at the chore of every part having to go through the same processes and come to the same realisation. We still are.

Of course it was the eighties to so babies being born to women who are not their genetic mothers was no longer something that not many people knew about. We always found that grounding when we weren't quite able to handle the thought that she and Margo were on the abuser side.

Then there is the warmth and the smile that comes up from everywhere whenever we dissociate "dad" from Bill Johnston. There was far too much going whenever we followed whatever urge or voice told us to talk to the people on album covers. We knew that was about the slaves held in horrific conditions and being exploited so disgustingly and we had been there and probably would be back and that they got everyone who fought for us at some point. 

We never stopped knowing our job in the Ritual Abuse scene it was to destroy the Ritual Abuse scene. As much as we could. The pride it gave us obliterated the temptation offered by anything and anyone else.

Some of this was put up in Dundee I'm not sure if it really was us testing to see what happens. I think the typist who sought to bring so much more violence to was the victim when they turned up. We just hid and waited we were in no state to fight or the post wouldn't of happened.

This is us now though. There is no slavers stationed in the house we are being kept in and they haven't tried to kill us or Pabs in a while.

Daddy can I go back to work now?

April 16, 2016


Princess puss wakes us purring as loud as he can, clawing at the flannel sheet like we fear he will shred it and trying to roll us out of bed with his head butts. We shout threw Pabs and tell him to throw him outside and hope at some point later that he doesn't interpret us to literally.

Doesn't look like much will get done today. We are back to bare essentials when possible and that is enough to make us weep. The gabapentin doesn't get us moving like it did in the beginning it just makes us happier to be immobile. It is just going to get sore whenever we do anything anyway and we have no tolerance for it at the moment.

Although the contents of our head is opening in ways we fought so hard for its still for it all not to feel irrelevant. That's the abusers talking, the PTSD, the depression and isn't necessarily a reflection of reality. Miss Adam. Lots. And the rest. Where there is skin tonne differences it distance from them feels worse which makes us need them more. When there isn't its my exclusion from all human society that seems to be highlighted.

Our parenting of Pabs is not something we have fought for. They have successfully put us on mute around Pabs as well as they cut of his memory and identify as being connected to something far from what we get here. He's loved and we do our best to at least appear interested and engage in game related stuff in usually talks lots about but its dissociates us in ways we know is very related in the rings and what they have done to us and Pablo and how well they cut us off from everything that is safer.

We were wondering if they little bunker we has out in the Glens somewhere still exists or if it was filled in. Trying to figure out how the hell we ate then we remember the phrase "I never thought I could get sick of microwave food" and that helped.  Our mother was there or a mother? We heard her voice and thought it must of been in our hear. They only way we could get up and open the door was to tell ourself this was a dream because it didn't feel like a trap. So often we had wished it so hard we couldn't believe it was real. But we ended up being so happy that its impossible to feel, or see most of it. We remember crying on her lap and saying how angry we were at ourself at missing a boy when he was there we spent most of the time crying and missing our mum. We also remember something about her saying she was to old for braids and me thinking that was ridiculous.

We don't know if they are the pretend mums though. The ones they put in to abuse us and/or stop us from searching for where ever they were holding and torturing here. Wasn't always Chicago.

We will keep digging, keep dragging up the crimes against us searching for the times and the people that caused the worst splits and do what we can to stop them breaking other people and to take away the fear we have of them and their systems. They have given me no other choice by not letting us be anything else. Cut of from family and friends we are military. There's nothing else driving us.


April 14, 2016


You will never be safe with anyone from the rings. You will never know anyone who isnt in the rings. If we dont already have them we will bring them in.

Its hard to believe otherwise when the worst of them are so well placed and we see the nick of others. No one here would be able to look after me here even if they wanted to. Then come the voices in agreement so we listen but then we spot the triggers that tell us these are not voices we should listen to. They are about to tell us that we have no option but to give up and to push the point by taking us back to sometime of horror that create a part that is still there frozen and unreached by the rest of us. There are much few of them than abusers normally realise. They know there has been plenty of extreme traumas but they dont know how good we are at reaching them or letting someone else reach them.

We have some well worn pathways and routes between catatonic states and pissed off survivor.

The balance between being so tired of it all and needing a life that isnt arranged to this degree is one we feel we have perfected we barely notice the swing between who and what we sacrifice. Im sorry littles you cant come out to chat and cuddle one moment then forget fighters its not worth the risk the next.

There is a little sun catcher we ordered as to present to those that loved it when they say it and because it something to look at in the kitchen other than mess and wasted potential. Its in that other group of triggers. The ones that remind us of exposure to other ways of being, of people who love us. People who fight for us and how it isnt just evil things that can snowball.  You will feel premenstral, you will feel scared, no you wont be able to. And sometimes no that wont happen because.. and we can tell someone and stop it happening. You need to take the programming Quine how else will be know what they are planning?

Its the same as you have to let them rape you Quine or how else can we prove you are being raped.

Yes of course someone would have to be a child or mentally disabled in someway or forced into by other means or all of the above.

Thank fuck for our IQ. Or whatever it was that had us awake, that had us sabotage as much as we could. Its not most of day to day folk doing that shit to people really have much of a clue about the inner workings of anyones deeper layers but if you start acting like this is the case the more skilled slave maintance technicians are called in. Some of them were just better protected, wealthier connected etc so had the training to appear "higher ups" and could get away with more death and violence.

You could be one of us.

No thanks.

You want to stay here? In this? With these people?

Look it doesnt matter what I do I'm going to end up here. And its it would get be away from being raped is it? It would just be different rape.

You wouldnt be cold and hungry though (or some gross reference to some aspect of regular sexual assualts that may or may not of been ongoing)

Look. Would if I went with you lot would I have to rape children?

Various versions of yes and ayes and probablies followed by buts.

No thanks.

We think one or two of us agreed if it meant we could get out of the pregnancies or make them less but they couldnt do it. We knew they wouldnt be able to. It wouldnt of made any difference anyway. We pissed of people as a kid who really wanted everything they said would happen to us happened and we knew it would make no difference to them.

We dont know if they are still around we suspect because we are writing this that they are gone or not in a position to start anything. Which kinda makes takes our worst fears out the picture while bringing another one into reality, the fear of having done what needs to be done to make it possible to help us buts its to late because everyone has already given up.

N again has given us a useful amount of dough. Hopefully that will help make Sunday less cutty.


We know what to do, just come here. Try and push some more of it out, ease some of the pressure. Yes thats a reference to torture. Cant blame him for going where he felt safest. Believing the people who seemed most believable. Kind of left us in some very serious shit though. How are we going to reach them after that. They turned inwards when he ran out of there. His ass in the designer jeans legging it out of there is the last thing they ever want to see. We can work round the problem, help out the rest of but they remain fucking devastated and the memories of the time they spent with him turned sour and we cant tell if that is because of how they feel and how they were conditioned to interpret events or because the moments and relationships themselves were sour.

Panic attack first thing. A phonecall from the school, just about his attendance resulting in a compulsory letter, NHS correspondence requesting we make an psychiatrist appoimtment, the neighbour who helps at the local charity shop but doesn't have a baby sitter for spectrum child, we cant handle school run but it gets us out and is horrible. Look at all the children who are the same age as children we feel we will never see again and ages we have already missed. Sky bill has come off and we are over our overdraft looks like we will be contacting N after all nothing goes in till tues. Txt will have to do it. Cant face talking. Already trying not to cry.

Look Im not sure if you understand I could be helping myself during this time. If you keep me here like this to help protect you my future will be horrible. We already can barely look after Pabs as it is.

It will be ok. I will be back. I promise.

If I catch you lying to any of us again it will be me who makes sure you get no where near any of us again, you understand that yeah?

Just a bloke against huge machines. What could he do?

Well a hell of a lot better than what he did and what he's doing when all factors are considered.

Look its not your fault. Theres no way you could of seen past all the crap they're doing and saying to you to see the real us. It was our fault we needed to pretend we were cared for, that that was even possible here. We needed to pretend people werent that horrible and we know we should never do that. Not when we are here.

Oh whats the point. Everything you say is off some script handed to you.

Some comes the "what about the time when"s but we know too much for that to work to well. What about all the other nights?

Sooner or later the flailing desperate attempts at throwing out lines to see if there are any parts around vulnerable enough to bite. We know not to start anything unless their is.

How close are you working with Jacqui?

He's keeping his head in his hands. Swears.

If you didnt think i was safe why did you let me stay?

Full circle. 

You have to go.

Im not leaving you here like this.

You mean your going to wait until they have forced me to tell you its ok.

Someone is listening and knows what were going through. Or just wants the fucker out for some other reason. The landline rings we are so fucking relieved. A pissed off sounding bloke who says to put him on just want was needed. It does the trick and he leaves. Nothing we could of said could of got him to leave and the lovely littles werent that far there was no way we could of laid a hand on him.

We sit there stewing over how impossible it is for him or so many to respect us while knowing we cant let this get to us too much at that time. We had serious doubts that if our morale dipped much lower that we would make it out of the next big attack alive.

Always so close. Every time we feel that drive to live a better life rise up, so furious that people would turn their own and my existence to monument to the effects of extreme misery and violence.

We wanted to rip those designer jeans off him and not in the way we thought we had in the past. Once she starts to trust you we will be able get more on top of the duvet with the lights off.. She doesnt want to do it. It makes the pain worse. We will sort out something for that.

Im not drugging her again she always knows.

That is not a ex..

We found the find Stratirious Violin quest in Fall Out. That made us very happy. We have the extra stuff downloaded and the explorer perk now so all the locations are highlighted.. :-D

Dont know what to write but wanted to. To say something in place of conversations and help. To say we remember some of your names. That things we felt could never feel real when they were so far away or long ago are now just part of us and always have been. Its not me that had recognise them, its them who have to recognise me. They have been here a lot longer. I'm just something I made up to keep to bastards away from those that have been here the longest. Of course they are grateful but they are also going to be resentful its hard for them to not feel like we are in their seat. Sure they know we would love to get the fuck out of that seat and its not our fault we got stuck here, I fought as hard anyone else to stop them isolating and then freezing us.  As did everyone who loves us but we were willing to give up on living and it was always so close so often and that is terrifying. Which is why I am here. That terror would kill us if it was all forced on a couple of parts who the bastards aim to stop from ever communicating to anyone but them.

We try and accept the rollercoaster. But were so tired of feeling air between stomach and contents. Try and find a stability in constantly drastically changing ideas about who the fuck we are and where the fuck we came from but how do we square that with being the only out of school care giver for an eight year old? And the stuff that is always there, giant landmarks vary from the unbelievable to out side of most peoples experience and imagination.

Very sleepy now tho.


April 09, 2016

No change

It isn't last year but it feels like it. We are so cocooned. Sorting through the truama or we just doing what we were told. Feeling exactly what they told us to feel. Waiting to see by which parts are out and what they do who hurt us the most and therefore owns us. It doesn't run as smoothly as has done. That's something. To stop us from being ourself though and help them keep that switch in place, that's so damaging to us. If that's what you did. We can never be sure of anything when we are to scared to be ourself and we can't be ourself some of the time if we know you are going to try and control our core.

That's taking away our life. What's the good in figure in out what was done by an abuser and what was done by another victim the relationships are dead anyway. Not that people ever think of themselves as being in relationships if they are abusers or victims they just see games that might get them what they need or want. Jacqui didn't look happy when she talked about you not coming back to sessions with her and us. It was easy to stop. You can't program parts that just arnt there. It was such a bad time. We figured you were involved with people who had realised that although I am slave there are people who care and sometimes there are consequences so they sent you in.

We cant tell the truth about something if it will mean someone loves us will get hurt. We were crippled in all the ways we weren't going have our only carer sent away and they would be making sure you were the only carer. It was very important programming was reinforced and I was hardly about to let any of them in.

The more good care you gave us the more terrified some of us got about what was going to happen next. They knew there would be scum bags pushing very hard for sex tapes or us pretending we are not being raped tapes as soon as anyone was near us. Consensuals just impossible if they are filming it and selling it.

Some of us might not care in the moment but the rest of us would only stay quiet and not resist because we know it could be a lot worse if we dont. Why the hell were they letting you help us? Because you were mostly reliable of course. We wanted so much just to die, for Pabs to never be back any where near any of this shit and for us to me done with all the misery and torture and sick evil people again but we knew we didn't want it enough. There was still a tiny bit of hope for a different life but we couldn't hold on where and as we were, there had been too much rape and too much likelihood that there would be more so we had to give in to the hugs, knowing the very littles would turn into pretending not to be littles who would be to scared to say no because doing so would probably mean more gang rape and torture when we couldn't fight them off and were terrified you would join in after we had started to feel you maybe did genuinely care.

Horrible, horrible, horrible time.

Got to be convincing for them, smile like you mean it, but that means parts will have to be convinced it is real. That is going to take some convincing and some engineering. But we know the sooner we give in the sooner we are on our own again.

There is always scapegoating and we struggle to know when it's genuine or when its just manipulation but its true its not like you are Chris Moyles or something. 

Still though, British DJs .. Wtf..

Write through the pain. It does help.
We hassled dude to heat up our hot thing and earlier we forced him outside on his scooter. He wasnt out long but we heard him put it back where he found it when he came back in. Dreading Sunday night, the battle to get us to get him to school again. Almost every morning. Sometime we wake up ok but its so rare. There was lots of programming that we figured was probably unnecessary to stop us from being able to shake that off. Especially without anyone around. We dont need minuet detail programs telling us to feel bad about bad things that have happened.

The crying and wanting to cry on waking. It often seems linked to be little and dreaming about being back somewhere safe then waking up and realising where we actually were. Before we learned and were taught how to stop programming from working so well. Then theres being older and dreaming about being safe with our babies and waking up and they werent there. They can program your dreams. They know the things there victims find it hardest to remember when we are in the most violent slavery, they make them even harder to remember. To keep parts of people seperate so they cant get strong.

With us its our mother. We do see a blond woman who isnt Margo she was scared but strong and didnt bullshit. All the "this is really serious"ness around it makes it harder to attempt to unpack as some of it is designed to do. What part of being me isnt really serious? Some connection to the US scenes white power in the rich and powerful, efforts to resist extreme methods of social and political control. See we just go cold..

The Glen, someone repeating "Im not your mum" until it got our attention? Then our dad and a women were there and we felt really weird.

All the stupid torture. It just keeps getting in the way of us thinking about anything.

April 08, 2016

Just get here.

Post peroid non functionness. The living room hasnt been hoovered in ages so its increasingly under ash, scraps of cardboard and cat hair. The junk food wrappers have been kept to a minimal. Its at its burny stage. When we go from being messed up and confused at the sight of blood to messed up at being in so much pain without blood. It is sinking in that the pain isn't going to go away and I guess we have Jacqui to thank for helping us accept it and Elaine and her besties for making it true. We do wish we could name the supporting males as easy, not just Deek and the Aberdeen blokey abusers but the middle class fuckers. We certainly have given it ago in the six years of writing and getting other people to write here. The nasty split is still there, the fictional Scottish family and the staged life connected to it that is "home" and everything else.

We know we can go back and forth between the knowing what is complete bullshit and feeling connected to a world and people outside it, we can hop back and forth all day long but we arnt really touching this terrified isolated core part. We think we are but what we are doing is reaching others and helping them grow which is great in so many ways but is also making that isolated core more isolated because those parts are no longer in the same place as her as us.

What can we do when the only thing that will change me is for me not to be isolated any more with at least a reasonable chance it will continue. I just couldn't do it. Its like most of the older/organised parts end up with littles that are so terrified they cling to them, constantly and when a kid clings to you so tightly for so long and we can see what lots of what each other are thinking we get to know them. Obviously when everything is very ongoing we need to keep most defenseless parts as far back because of what happens when abusers get a hold of them. It wasn't friends of us that were posting here at those times it was rapists making out like they weren't keeping us heavily drugged and locked up and they werent doing the same to little kids and if they were we were doing it to and not trying to stop them.

We escaped out of that house in Aberdeenshire so many really bad times and in so many really bad conditions with or without similarly naked, injured, starved babies over the decades we couldn't guess at.

What are you doing anyway? Its not complicated. Just get here.

Yeah we are thinking and trying to think about our mother. Its an important part of what makes an amnesiac switch isnt it? Who our real mother is. We are still stuck at how she seems to have died, all the horrific trauma that brings up.

We are glad it isnt a no go area as much as it used to because Margo was part of our life and she was our ring mum.

The look we would we get when we said "she was someone", or when we described the gruesomeness and said we had presumed/hoped it was a programming line. Cant really get away from the strong sense of a real loving Dad always being here but seeing nothing but a black hole when when ask ourselves out who our mother was. Beyond her being murdered in front of my Dad and me when I was tiny little. We stop asking ourself questions causes it triggers lots of us to want to go "home" and pretend the public family here are real biological abusive family.

It got to lots of the day to day slave managers when we got stuck with our "they are your real family - you will stay with them - they will rape you - but then they are not my real family" cycles. Time to bring in upper management. Thankfully that kind that just need us not to be in touch with anything good over forcing us to stay in touch with everyone bad. The jist is I think usually you are a slave in a state that will never let you out or allow you to be recognised but often went to a part who knew who we were and who the "programmers" were instead of one who knew nothing but the worst of it all and was just desperate to know there would be a break in the torture.

There seemed to be genuine fear in "Jacqui" when we talked about when we were crawling on the floor pretending we werent in the flat and had gotten Pablo far away like wheb we talked about organised crime contacts or working with non abusive police especially when we did it without switching or dissociating.  Think she tried to isolate a little to intimidate them about knowing famous people. We think that was the phrase, we remember feeling quite scared and saying "but Jacqui we thought we had mentioned it and because of the DID we cant remember clearly enough to talk about it" We are probably getting incidents mixed up but when we caught ourself justifying our existence it woke up defenders.

There were other times when the defenders were down when it went really horribler. She talked about the worst of the things that had happened to us since Pablo was born, that we knew none of us had told her about and she said we were going to die we stopped listening but focused on getting her words to the parts of us that could record and spit them out. We knew we would have to do it quickly before the words were lost forever. Whoever we decided was best to hear it or least worst anyway was reluctant but we got them to listen in time. We said "Jacqui said.." and then just let the part spit out what she said was going to happen to us. Its important  we try and say first something to let whoever we are telling that we repeating someone else's words.. or it can be really misunderstood.

Cant remember what they said but they were okay with us and calmed us down and believed us. At a later point she asked us who it was we told but we were like we are now, no fucking idea. Its that really bad split that we were writing about earlier on between trafficked Scottish and everything else we are, knowing who might be safe and where they might be is definitely  in the everything else realm. There is no way we can remember it. It would go against the our trafficked Scottish programming which wasn't step up or protected by Scottish people as it very much based on colonial paradigms the real power isnt held by Dundonians or the local police anywhere. Obvs.

They hate us talking like that. Its best of course with the less educated types because then we can use words wrong and basically make them up and most of them have no idea they just know you are talking above their heads. Of course thats not only to work so easy with the upper middle class Scots or the Etonian types they can just do it back and it doesnt matter anyway because they do actually have a whole bunch of different kinds of security and the power to keep it.

We might of said at a later point and he may or may not of told her to. Thats not us being mysterious with the reader thats us being obtuse with ourselves. They dont know how to stop doing it..  They are very angry and very protective. We dont know what we will happened next but we know that if they are in charge we will be okay and it wont be us that would or could stop them from being in charge. We are sad that our mummy parts have been hit too hard for too long with too much unbareableness to be around much for us or Pabs but not enough to really believe that this means the end for us. The big split is still there, they never annihilated our belief that other side exists but they did stop us from doing anything to fix it.

(Dramatic pause)

Until now.

dont know, how brave are you feeling?

Been thinking about you a lot. You may or may not be aware.  It was the right decision to not see each other back in the Summer if it still wasnt possible to stay in touch since then. We strugglying so badly maybe it wasnt. You were safer out of it. A lot safer. No. We arnt remembering your name yet. Any part of it. Someone keeps shouting it but they are being shouted over. We just want to run up to you and show you how excited some of us are to not be seeing Jacqui or anyone anymore. We are glad dudes room is something to be proud of not just for him and us but because we dont need to feel ashamed at the thought of you seeing it anymore. Not that you judge but you would know how much it bothered me because we talked so much.  The positive side of being stuck/trapped in with someone. Not talking to each other isnt a longterm option. We are sliding into cyncial now, thinking about how if it wasnt for the severe capitivity and torture with other people maybe our trust issues would be worse.

We talked about that to didnt we, in flat, when we had to keep off to pretend we werent there to certain people? Was that around the same time when I told you about sliding along the floor and to go for a pee because we really needed it to not be known we werent there. You listen to all us tell our stories off how we had survived "living" in Dundee and Aberdeen. We felt for sure you wouldnt be coming back volunterily. We regreted letting everyone out so out so much, not that we thought we would of had much power to stop it but we know we know some of use reality as a club to beat people off with that might get to close.

It helps you know how difficult it is for us to let the romance out as someone called it. You know our eyes are slits and we are grinding our remaining back teeth when we start to write anything lovey or dovey. We may have a house full of heart shaped things but writing love letters that arnt because someone has a gun to someone or something we really need or part of the process of working out Stockholm Syndrom issues is a step to far.

Fuck off.

We dont even know your name.

So ha!

Garden today. Inbetween the icy showers and cant ignore that pain breaks got a few things done. Glad we got those blokes to just clear it even if we werent able to say what we did and didnt want kept and they stole my rake again. I dont think they will return it this time but we probably thought that last time to. Not much grew last year but there really wasnt much sunshine any way.

Dont know where you are at with all your bullshit. Guess we dont really know where we are with all our bullshit. Think we mostly know which way is up and which way down much more now..

helpful when you dont want to drown. ;-)

seriously though come and help us not fuck up our meds. to eat. help me figure out  what the hell to say to Pabs and help us deal with how terrified, angry and triggered we are by his amnesia.

We love you.


April 06, 2016

What exactly am I supposed to do with all this?

Not just the cancelling of the referral to Dundee but the writing about the risk to Gracie and Tommy that would cause the risk to Gracie and Tommy. It was a bloke we are seeing telling us this, from here we would say he is the counsellor but we keep seeing the GP as well. The location is fuzzy in a way that we know often means there is serval locations and different ring members repeating the same shit.
You do know that most of the content of the most of the blog post was programmed 10 20 years ago and we werent fighting it coz we were in a place where we didnt think it was possible that we would be here now?
He got that inpatient look we saw in blokes a lot.
Who by?
You put all that effort into making sure we cant know who we are then ask questions that we could only answer if we really knew who we were. Your as bad as Jacqui.
Think he got really nasty here and the second time with the second similar bloke tried but we were expecting it and knew they were having communications issues so he wasnt expecting us to expect it. We said scary stuff and acted all big till he ran away. Then we lay on our bed and cried and hurt and was terrified for the bairns and the future we would have if the only way we could be safe for a while was by being scary and pretending we werent really really sore. Then we remember the people we had not been scary with recently and glad that could be scary enough to make them run away and felt better, enough to almost sleep but not properly, not with everything that was going on and had recently happened.

All of it.

Mums, Dads and everyone,

It really is "there" - how it all felt. All of it.

Jacqui said its all too much for any of you to ever understand or to not also be destroyed by but we know that's not true. None of them ever really knew us. Not for long anyway.

Its the worst injuries in recent years that are being processed at the moment. Someone supporting us said writing, speaking and thinking in ways that when we did in front of Jacqui made her face twist and freeze at the same time when its safe is a good way to go healing wise. Past fucking tense. No more Jacqui. No more Johnstons. Cancelled the "Dundee DID NHS counselor " appointment. Contradiction in terms. Like Angus based Ritual Abuse and Trafficking charity, or rich classes paying tax or investigations into organised child abuse in British institutions by British institutions.

Winters end. We know this and can even believe it sometimes. When we are distanced from the realities of the injuries and the captivity we know we are light years away from any truth and it makes every feel meaningless. Of course they have used horrific injuries to put us back there. We wouldn't tell them where Pablo was. We are still not telling us much about what we did to get him away from Dundee, Scotland, the UK. We know its all extreme though. Think there were moments usually when we were in the air that we were able to be present, safe and warm. They will track us down eventually for a bunch of reasons we are not comfortable going into with supporting documents or voices so if when we get them somewhere safe we need to get ourself far away from them as possible. Its heartbreaking and kills us but not as much as what happens to them here.

What makes you so sure something won't happen again?

The internalised female abuser, so wrapped up for us in Jacqui. We watched as we saw every other woman who had terrorised and injured us and attempted worse drifted across our consciousness. There seemed to be a few serious abuser personalities that was core to many of them and they didn't physically stand between us and food, sleep, safety, shelter and medical attention as much as they used to. 

They start of offering help. Like the if you can survived what you have already survived and then they push it to extremes. We learned how to take the benefits of the grooming then switch into someone who knew we were in danger and could defend us when or preferable just before they pushed it to far. Very tricky. Depends on who and what is doing the grooming though, how much they knew, how much they were capable of understanding, how much clout they have and with whom.

We forgave ourself for all hiding what we are so much during those sessions when all those other sessions in other places with different people who had a very different remit on what "grooming" involved. If we hadn't been a stranger to ourself so convincingly we wouldn't of been so convincing to them, keeping them guessing is only defence sometimes.  We were glad to be in touch with those parts again they are so strong and were there learning about the abusers and what they do, learning about ourself and supporting our escape artists as much as possible. Holly shit we have pulled off some Houdini shit. Being little has lots of advantages.

When we able to start feeling indifferent to abusers because they were victims who long ago gave up the fight, they were just a collection of parts with instructions and motives we knew we couldn't get them to question the resentment for other people who were involved but didn't have such prominent roles would be stoked.

So much was already in place or could be in place if people just stopped thinking there was nothing that could be done and that the rapists are all powerful.

What a waste. We thought it over and over. Came back to it in many languages and different places but from the same being victimised by a group of people who are positions of privilege relative to myself but not when compared to whatever or whoever is supporting or instructing them. Not of myself although of course we think that to but of them. Their whole lives, the resources that went into making them, of the facilities and communities they kept us in, of humanity in general. We don't know if we will ever be able to dissociate any British Isles peoples from the the words used by people involved in ritualised slavery and socially acceptable rape.

We aren't certain nothing horrific and life endangering or lethal will not happen to me or Pabs Jacqui et al but you can't live like that, the body stops us feeling that kind of terror when nothing serious has happened in a while. When were are not coming here to see you though. .. Or Graham and Gabe of course and without Margo forcing us to be someone we are not and maintain farcical damaging relationships with people who would open a door, drug our food and drink, physically hold us down are in relationships with people to whom rape is a major income source etc . .. And no more drinking with Elaine and the no way we coming back to see that other guy there won't be opportunity for it like there always has been. .. here.

Frustrating her about who and where we have been helped, healed and literally brought back was always fun. Until they moved her onto keeping us permanently distanced from the parts that were made or grew in love. It works well that stuff. We cant write about it much. They must of been in contact or got material from the few Brits who really did manage to get to us with the programing when we were little. We still havent forgiven ourself and everyone everywhere for whatever they did back then. Protecting our mind and keeping them of certain aspects was always top priority. Not because some bully scared us into thinking that but because we knew the more they knew us the less chance there was of us of ever having any influence over our future.  We are still distanced because of it. The strong sense we have that we can't have good relationships, carers, long term anything comes from then.

We know we think getting out of the UK would be away to solve the issues without dealing with them. We also know that any voices in us that advocate more suffering need to be ignored and plans need to be made for their deconstruction asap.

Something we read on twitter reminded us of when Elaine and Jacqui tried a coordinated paedophilia is a sexual orientation and shouldn't be stigmatised, its natural and has been practised throughout history, rapists rights before victims type stuff. Elaine in particular had us laughing out loud. We had to sit and eat and listen to all that PIE crap many times and told Jacqui or whoever she was in that season so.  The abuser police say they exact same shit and try and to look to smug when it distresses survivors.

We planted some flower seeds outside during the moments the sun was out and the pain wasn't too bad. There faces phase in and out but one thing is the confidence in there voices when they talked about the hold they have over me in regards to Gracie and Tommy living in that hellhole with those non people and how the pain we get particularly during menstruation triggers our fears for them because of everything that was done to them and us there in the past.

We are not going to go to see the Dundee counsellor and we would of been told they will be badly punished for that. Of course that is what they say and if true they will be being badly hurt already.

There is nothing more we can do. No more risks we can take to prove anything to anyone. To force anyone to act. There is no shortage of evidence but still nothing changes. The corruption stays in place. The physical violence takes a back seat to all other forms for a short while and they continue to enjoy the profits and we are told to be satisfied with not being tied up and cut in places that cause us to bleed out.