..dear reader..

 Junior is working on a writing commission from one of the school taxi drivers, he is writing a story with the word 'toast' in it hundreds of times. It started as a joke apparently but now he is actually working on it and the guy's dad who is also a driver sometimes has said he will make sure the son keeps up his side if Junior delivers. Wish it didn't worry us. It was really difficult making the decision to apply for transport, where are the biggest risks for him, walking through town or with council approved taxi drivers? There was someday in horrific weather when he couldn't get a bus home and his leg pains eventually swung it. Pretty sure I'm all out of systems, arrangements, fucking compromises, maybe even shit we can't fight if, when some shit happens I'm not sure what We will do. Maybe We always feel like this though when We know the bullshit peace is about to shatter and We don't understand why We can't just leave or why no one has called

We are pretty much out of the good stuff and not much okay stuff left either. Hopefully it might lead to angry walking rather than total emotional drowning. Struggling for breath as it is. PMS proper. We have a sense of putting something together that gave the gist of all of it, adding to it over the years then arranging to have it sent out as many people and places as possible at the same time and leaving out those that can't talk to us without being totally fucking horrific. Not sure if some forced their way onto lists anyway. We are just so exhausted. How are we gonna feel when May turns to June. With even a glimpse of a neighbor any neighbor has us anxious, scared, sickened, confused, murderous, frozen and we don't have it in us to hide it, transform it or celebrate it anymore. And it's the same with the school, the NHS, the landlords.. Have to focus on the better stuff while not stopping myself from feeling what We actually feel.  Bought a flower yesterday when went ou

 Know what's been bothering us today? Did that sweet old lady downstairs drug Junior and Us with scones during our first year? I remember vaguely trying drag myself and himself away. He was drugged and found it kind of funny at the time but I don't believe I've been able to speak about it with him since. It's not okay you know, shit like that happening everywhere they let us live. She's been nice recently gave us a plant for the garden. At least now We can be confident if she does offer anything consumable We will remember it's best to just say no. There is birds nesting in one of the trees behind the wall. We failed to get a picture of it but saw it getting fed. Got these guys those. Got jammies and knickers drying in the warms spring winds. Gonna have a bath.

 Worked our way threw some stuff last night, recent years stuff. Slept most of today and have that weak but cozy feeling. Gotta do some watering later but otherwise, staying cozy. Too windy anyway. Windows came today. It's cool having garden decorating to look forward to. As well as nettle pulling and shrub pruning. And weeding weeding weeding. Watering watering watering Ended up putting some dads of the glow in the dark paint we bought back in Fife on them, will layer a bit more on then clear nail polish them. Doubt we will buy any more maybe some stone looking ones for near the fairy in the wall. Probably not this year though .. There is no beach hedge anyway to completely go too far with.  Junior talked tonight about how sick he is off getting crap from other kids at school. It's so difficult. I just want to tell him he doesn't have to go. But he does. Says the teachers are all great though. At least he doesn't have horrible kids and horrible teachers.. .I guess..

 Windy. Got towels in the machine. Got some uncomfortable feelings about dealing with the area near the steps. There's triggers there. Also triggers in not doing it of course. Not going to buy or attempt to buy a holly again that can wait for another year or another garden. We had a look about this morning when we went to put peanuts out for the flock, checked everything planted in the past few days. Everything in it looks good. Some grief that area has caused seeing it finally start looking good in a way and We know isn't just a bunch of issues just covered up.  We are putting in perennials that might take years to properly get going so there's plenty of sadness over that and a lot of uncertainty about what's next. Christ maybe will be here see it and have good neighbors that don't smash pretty glass lanterns, throw out gifted mini sunflowers, arn't abusive to any teenagers especially autistic very loving ones and never threatened our life for not being able to

 Sunshine and showers. Wonderful for the garden and for us with our glasses on scribbling and watching the dogs jog past and knowing if a shower is particularly heavy from my bed by seeing the walkers on the wall put up hoods or umbrellas. Not so pleasant for Junior who was on a sports field in the pouring rain and roasting sun. Very happy to do no work out there today anyway lifting the grass yesterday was hard going. Very glad it is done. There is lumpy turf over the bit at the bottom of the steps that grows chocking weeds instantly. Next is to do more with that first area on either side. It will be further pleasing when We have that first entrance area properly improved. The bit that gets walked on the most came from where the furniture is now and all lush and green now so We will just do the same cover it patch magic and try and remember to water it and feed the birds enough so some of the seed survives. A couple of the funky red sunflowers have sprouted next to the stump. They loo

  Did indeed get some work done today, a rosemary to replace the one we keep ruining by moving was tucked into the side by the stump and there was some nasty roots so it wasn't easy. Not as crappy as lifting turf for the final bed there though. Fucking turf. Worst thing is some of that grass we wrestled with today has grown from seed we fucking threw and probably watered as well. Buddleia is in now a long with some of the salvia and a couple of fox gloves that hopefully are not too small to get going. Think tomorrow we will focus more on plucking blades of grass out from among the pansies and the lobelia. Maybe put some mini sunflowers in the ground. School phoned today, it has been discussed that they might. It's the same old story though, how does phoning someone up and telling someone their kid is worried about their health help with stress levels? We said he could do with more ASD support, especially since We are not fit to chase it up and said the truth that there is ups a

 It's a real pleasant Sunday feeling. Did some bird watching, ate noodles and watched some Bob's Burgers with Junior and the newly moved about living room. Eventually got round to putting Spotify on the xbox so now we have our tunes from the old Dell speakers just came out the shower and it's good. We are using this room more now after we maneuvered the eating table out of my bedroom into the small tv/family room. It's tight but the window faces no street light so we get a strip of evening sky with chimney pots above some buildings and our little haven in the shared garden. Nice to have to space back in my room to. Hope we are in the mood to a little work out there tomorrow. Then we can just watch the stuff in little pots get stronger and plant them out where and when We feel like. Also we spent more flippin more bloody money on it. Lights, coz they are super cute to look out into and a pair of flippin fairy windows for the stump. Holidays soon means food vouchers and t

 Moved around enough and even worked out the weights a little that we slept easily and deeply enough and feel it today, the sleep and the exercise. Really quite achey but very glad to have worked through the heart rate and the worst of the crushing medically concerning anxiety.  School shirts for the last week of the term before what I believe is an extended for royal reasons mid term holiday. Yes it's that time in the school term folks where anything to do with school system past present or future has us in full on mortal terror and chuck in monarchy related bank holidays and its remarkable we can persuade ourself to eat and keep any thing down at all. Even is We had access to all cannabis in the world. Do have access to some though and our stomach lining and I are especially and mortally grateful for that Tea, toast, bananas, cold meat in the fridge for tidy protein nibbles, eggs. Little and often. Manage the anxiety don't fight it. Full fridge, stocked cupboards, superstrong

  That’s the view from my living room window. .. All the things needed to start the last bed are here. We waiting for the grass to dry so we cut it and start digging up the turf for the buddleia. That is maybe all the digging today we already but a couple green mossy ones down between the pink rose and to washing line pole. Buds on both the roses. Looking forward to planting all the stuff in little pots as they get healthier. Superduper anxious. Eating little and often as required by iffy guts. Trying to use codiene as an anti anxiety only works a little occasionally and we have a cider in the fridge for later. And we had steak last night. Good things. Still cant keep my heart rate down for very long but my head is going to some beautiful places sometimes.

    Got all excited about it not being winter anymore and wasn't too bogged down issues with antidepressants, by pain or no money or coherent linear memories or self esteem in March and April so stuff got done plants were bought and cared for and it was fine to see everyone out the back again.  The area that gets the sun most of the day that we first wanted to make something of but found it impossible of the stones and the lining under the turf is actual where we often sit now getting some sun or just watching the birds . We put alpines, last year’s from seed pansies and lobelia plug plants we nursed indoors for a couple of weeks around the slabs and the bird pond. They are all coming in well. There was a Newcastle hospital appointment about junior's gait and before that a cleaning appointment that we did without valium and shouldn't of . We did have damage limitation in place the oven on low kitchen and bedroom clean enough, food and wine in the cupboards. Even made sure t