February 28, 2014


How do we create a voice from all this? Or an identity enough to give us some kind of vague direction..

Been coloring in a lot, its a beautiful book, lots of intricate flowers and trees, its lovely.  We usually manage to stay within the lines and don't get upset when when we don't.  A tiny snippet that replays often when we are colouring in still keep playing though.

       Don't you think sometimes there are not enough colours?

       I do now.

I know when something keeps coming back like that it must be lots of different parts its happening to.  We all ache for the lifestyle and the health she had so clearly in that moment at least. What did she feel was promised in that. Or maybe she just uses that moment as a way to identify herself.  She's only trying to say hang in there. We're here.  Don't shut me out just because I don't hurt in the same ways most of the rest of us do. We do do that.  Sometimes.  All we here her saying is that she already a part of us and will never stop fighting for you, the goodlife awaits.  Which makes lots of us feel that they being told to put up with the suffering for awhile longer, which of course makes lots of the internal managers deeply suspicious because it appears that the littles are being told to smile sweetly and bare it.  The managers know how damaging this is to the survival chances of the little and how that is how exploitation works.

So much just seems to be laid bare and that helps, we don't feel that same mortal vulnerability constantly because the amnesia makes it impossible to know if the fear and anxiety is caused by the past or the present.  We know that when someone is allover the news for awhile its starts with remembering hearing or seeing who ever back in the eighties on the TV or radio and dissociating, then we remembering seeing whoever in real life back in the 80s or 90s and wondering we they were there and feeling confused, then the memories of threatening behavior from them to us at various ages, then the rape and phone calls with enough accompanying before and after details to stop any 'but maybe all this is mind control' type questions from gaining much ground.  The same very physical sense that its all real and any 'tricks' happened within situations where extreme violence, rape and sexual exploitation became everyday and murder not unusual.

The memories, the parts that endured how much Yew Tree etc was discussed and bargained over from at least the the mid nineties, certainly by the ones who physical abused and trafficked us the most has also got beyond the point of any of us being able to seriously question.  We don't know what we can possibly say or do to stop whatever it is that they have ongoing with the Yew Tree and the hacking trials and christ knows what else. I guess we just have to hope they fuck up which wouldn't be unusual either.  Regardless of the specific objectives however, you can be confident that the secondary standard motive of making people miserable and alienated rarely impeded much and this seems to be very much ongoing.

I keep seeing Watkins face and hearing all Radio 1 voices, the eighties and the nineties ones but mostly the nineties, noughties.  I know its to be expected and I'm doing really well etc, etc., but its so horrible knowing that the police everywhere are still protecting it quite possibly without needing any specific orders to do so.  Blatantly putting out on the MSM that other women from all the over the country went to various police stations and were told it wouldn't be investigated in case it caused 'damage to their career'.  Their career has more of a legal standing that your life and everyone life nevermind your career.  Quite often the 'their career' BS would be follow up with some good old fashioned verbal abuse.  Often about me, the babies and anyone else not existing, a rape or murder threat.. and its just accepted by people everywhere.

We are hardly likely to be shouting particularly loudly about demanding their will be another inquiry that will either completely ignore us all by themselves or be told by the met to completely ignore us.

February 21, 2014


Think I'm in danger of trolling Robert Green's blog. (again? Was there some shit with him last year..He mentions something about justice being served in the Roach case for no apparent reason which doesn't exactly inspire confidence..)  It's all the bullshit and 'fuck off survivors' comments.. and the tone of implied authority because the education, the career, the contacts and words conveys respectability and authority of someone who knows what there talking about and should be trusted.  The words of someone who isn't a victim but saw injustice and decided to challenge it and doesn't need any input from anyone else who was victimised along side whatever victim someone is fighting for to do it.  Nothing has changed.  There is so little sign that the people who say they are fighting to expose organised child abuse have any real insight beyond how it effected themselves and really aren't interested in getting actual accounts from actual survivors because lives mine are still not considered proof enough that lives such as mine happen we need to be deemed first by the police or doctors or journalists or the legals someone else from a profession that we have already said is rotten with rapists and rape apologists of all kinds.

Still looks like there is lots of trust in authorities and respect for systems that victims know are rigged against them. The message that we and other victims and survivors with no or little support have to someone make our selves presentable to them, to speak in their language and respect their values, and skillfully employ the same language and values that our abusers used in public before they took us up stairs and told us that what they did to us didn't count and never would.  No safe spaces or people here.  So much of it aids abusers without activists knowing it, or at least hopefully without them knowing it.  Robert Green, has little respect from the authorities, or at least the Scottish ones but I doubt he will show any interest in us, which is hard to explain to the littles.

When we approach a blog or something that reports to be written from someone who cares about children being raped and sold, we are already triggered of course before we even click the link.  There is the wariness that comes from knowing how abusers are often confident and like to empower themselves in careers and social activities that publicly report to protect children and/or adults.  Then there's that sense you get when you have low self esteem that if someone writes or talks proper they deserve to be heard more than you do what with being so inferior in every way in all.  We also don't know how much surveillance and from what source we are or are not under and can sometimes hear but always feel the threats when we discover anything remotely empowering and the 'told you so' when we don't.   Everyone knows, all survivors trolled and many are threatened and intentionally triggered by people who victimised them.  Fairly certain that among all the abuse, threats and orders we got on and after 28th of March last year included being told I would of closed this blog and me and wee man would be being raped again by now.  We didn't think it likely but there still is no proper Savile, Radio 1, et al investigation, still hard to turn on the TV, radio, computer without hearing about the career progression of another very violent rapist.  Sure Watkins is in jail, but that does quite make up for all those years me and an unknown number of other teenagers and young women being told that someone's career or reputation is worth more than your or your infants life.  

Lots of the parts from 28th of March have been coming forward and sharing their interactions with whoever is up over the past days and we are desperately trying to figure out if anything real we can take from it.  Anything that might help us feel less isolated, that could sooth the trauma holders so we are not little most of the time, anything we can take from it that will help stop us from living so much in the past coming up with a big fat fuck all.  Desperately trying to balance faith in ourselves, in humanity and in people we have contacted over the years in particular with trying to move on and better use that faith to properly cut our loses and build some kind of as yet unimagined healthy happy future with people I have not met yet.  We get so angry at those stronger parts, how can we believe there are stronger parts at all when there is no sign of them.  How can be believe there are people out there for us when we have no names or numbers and are too scared to search.

Online abusers that are involved in silencing or attempts to take survivors back into trafficking, abusive porn and organised crime understand how much of what is said by people who claim to challenge cover ups keeps genuine survivors at arms length.  How every investigation is flawed at best and usually well corrupt.  They also know the hope, the fucking bastard hope that is sometimes sparked in desperate a PTSD sufferer that someone somewhere might value them and their explanations of their own experiences for what they are.  Its essential it is for the survival of the trafficking networks that hopes are stamped on.  The members of the legal authorities who make the laws, manipulate juries and hand out the sentences that protect abusers know this, rapists who work in mental health know this, as do the police as many people who have tried to report any sexual abuse at all can testify.  The abusers will also know how badly people were and are being hurt as do the victims or the ones left alive and broken do anyway, everyone else needs proof before the victim will even be heard.  The traffickers, the rapists, the child abusers and those that willingly protect them all know how all assumptions and prejudices about who or what constitutes evidence, respectability or reliability will continue to stamp all the finger tips that cling to daydreams around social inclusion or justice.  Sometimes its a bit like Ginormica in Monsters Vs Aliens when she lets go of the building and discovers her feat were pretty much on the ground already but at other times its just a drop, a twisting churning plummet that will last forever unless someone, anyone catches me.

Surely any activist who publishes something related to CSA but organised CSA and sex trafficking need to take some responsibility for the impact what they and their comments section has on the victims.  There are ways of talking about sexual abuse without alienating most people who have suffered from it and haven't as yet got the whole moving on, career, relationships thing nailed down just yet.  Is their really no one willing to connect with those that do know what went on and goes on and their pain on any real level rather being part of the same scene that abused us and declared us invisible.  Would it really be that hard for people to get serious? To put a call out to survivors to some forward so we can start to work on a carefully worded call for victims, survivors and whistle blowers to come forward anonymously and communicate as much or as little with people offer who have at least some basic suitability and training for the job, to show how widespread sexual abuse is, how hard it is to get it taken seriously and the extremes used to maintain and hide it, to challenge the ongoing bullshit inquires and investigation.  But of course its all pointless anyway while the justice system, the media and the money all remains firmly in the hands of the abusers and their associates, any efforts to expose this would be riddled with ring members anyway from the start or would become so soon enough.  That's what we were told would happen and pretty much everything else they said would happen has happened so why would this be any different?

February is always hopeless though.  I'm a little girl who knows little but rape and torture who is much younger than her years and is pregnant with another little girl who see loves with all the completeness and innocence of a child and fought so hard to protect but no matter how far or often she ran, no matter how much she was punished she still reached out but no one saved either of us.  She knew she was only little herself and not well enough to consent to getting pregnant so she knew they weren't safe and tried anything she could to get them both safe. It was really brutal and so confusing.

That wasn't one of the particularly Watkins related pregnancies or infanticides, in case your searching for discrepancies, this was an earlier one when he was just a particular nasty kid coming up through the really nasty rings that knew he had a bright future ahead of him that nothing anyone did or said would be allowed to get in the way of.

Enjoy your UK, US 80s, 90s, 00s produced music, pornography, films, TV, radio and journalism people.  There's no networks! Just a couple of dirty old men who didn't know about each other and lots of false accusations by people who want attention from the British press and legal system cause they are so lovely to people who accusations against folk in power or aff the telly!  


February 17, 2014

Scottish Police "Keeping Abusers Safe"


Below is an ohmygodImdrowninghere email from yesterday to my MP that we have cut and pasted in. Have also forwarded it Green's MP. Drummond, Paterson et al - I might be mostly amnesiac but we will always know everything.  RIP Hollie.

Writing to ask whether, as another abuser who told me they would get away with it gets away with it if you were given any kind of time frame as to if and when the police will be in touch.  Also to ask if you are aware of any other way to get my experiences of highly organised rings involved in violent abuse of children and adults taken seriously. 

Uniformed and non uniformed officers were involved in the networks from early memories of being raped and assaulted by a group of police uniformed men as their radios went in off in the background in the family home in Glenrothes during the early 80s, to years of being taken across Britain with Savile and others and overhearing conversations and negotiations between him and the police and when I would sometimes run away and say as much as I could in the first police station I came to.  During the 90s there was repeated of attempts to make statements about ongoing abuse and trafficking in Grampian Police Headquarters at Lodgewalk, Aberdeen, from around 11 years old to 22. I was sometimes obviously under 16, mentally vulnerable, pregnant and/or the victim of an assault and was verbally and physically attacked in the station on various occasions (amnesia/orders meant I kept going back), to everything that happened and was discussed in St Andrews, Glasgow and Dundee (where I mentioned an assault on my 6 month old son in 2007) through to recent years of still being told 'we will be in touch' when no one ever does, for as long as I can remember abusers in the police and the inability of police who aren't abusers to do anything has been ongoing.  

While the police will not talk to me on the record they have told the BBC inquiry (e.g. where many very violent Savile trained abusers continue to work and BBC staff, premises, equipment was used to produce images of child rape and torture) and the NHS inquiry into Savile's activities as hospitals (e.g witnessed at least one murder in Broadmore, hospital patients were used as subjects to test for existing presence of or suitability for developing the types of dissociated states useful to abuse rings).

Its well past the point where its possible to have even a speck of hope that Operation Yew Tree, Fernbridge etc are serious investigations as on top of all the memories triggered and anger at the lack of truth about who knew about Savile and Iain Watkins there is now the not guilty verdicts for La Vall and Roach who I remember from the 80s and 90s as they were associated with Savile and who last raped me in Glasgow in late 2004, where La Vall seemed very threatened by my talking in St Andrews and was unaware that we have done it before and that any talking to police has no legal repercussions for whoever is named.  I'm quite concerned about how I'm going to cope during the Clifford, Harris and if it ever happens the Richards trial to.  In regards to some of the other names connected to Yew Tree I often catch myself thinking, 'aw, they weren't that bad.'..While someone who I have named repeatedly and has been a ring member from my preschool years in the early 80s right through to Glasgow where he was part of the gang rape of me and his two children has received an OBE. 

Saying all that though even a tiny chance of an opportunity to make formal complaints or talk to someone about how the rings operated is very hard to walk away from but I need to put some sort of support in place to try and decrease the chances of further victimisation from members of the police if they are going to talk to me.