May 31, 2016

the things that stop you dreaming..

Don't wanna write. Don't fancy running over hot coals to try and find some TV distraction.  It's a shame we dont use that room more. Found the canvas picture that just needs its frame screwed together and we could pin it and get it hung. We are not going to be decorating the big room but hanging a picture of a line of zebras with multi coloured butts would definitely cheer the room up.

I hate this. I know you we hate it but we wanted to tell you anyway. When the diazepam left our system the "this is your life forever" feelings just start clicking back into place. Its hardly a wonder drug, it didnt stop us weeping or wanting to weep before it knocked us out last night but today when we were walking Pabs home from school instead of everything he says triggering us to unmanageable levels we could just chat.

It would be so nice to have that dose once a week or even every month. To know that at least every now and again we would have enough anti anxiety there so we could consider taking Pabs out.We dont want to pick them up half  the time, we have done to bitter and possibly self destructive we don't want the "help" if it means we have to put up with people pretending they think we are Louise. No more different heights for NHS to worry about. They can change any discrepancies in that area from the mid nineties (when this flesh was 10) to my current height permanently now. The chances of any serious and open conversations about pain and pain killers, anxiety and anti anxieties in ten minutes with people involved in that after whatever waiting time is completely hopeless.

We're not up for a full on "oh yeah" certainly not in a typed and published form we are gonna wait and see what happens in here next.

In the sun today lots, while Pabs was on this school trip to a butterfly and insect place. It's so good to hear him say he enjoyed school, with everyday was like that for him. With the better attendance he is making friends. Great of course, not so great is the mum can I have a birthday party and invite lots of kids that dont come round to the house and he doesn't go out to play with as it is.

So many levels of can't deal with that. The day itself is near the end of the summer holidays so he's asking for commitments from us for a day that we are dreading especially now without  Margo at the end of a school summer holidays that we are also dreading because we cant take him anywhere.

We will of been weeks out of here by then.

Back where we belong. In a military secured compound in a desert somewhere.

May 30, 2016

Oh brother..

Well the every second eight week prescription of diazepam has been filled. Picked it up around 2:30. We haven't taken eight since then and we arnt feeling that much better. There is fuck all point in trying to make the last, taking the whole "two months worth" at once would add up a whole 28mg.. The human sized rat water bottles they put in our cages if we were lucky to get any water all at probably had double that.

Sleepy and bit better though, couple of beers to. We have eaten food, wahey. Always helps, we really want to eat our feelings. Especially all the John Oliver stuff.  Coming round to him programming and threatening terrified isolated littles with all sorts in the flat. Seeing him looking down on us side by side with lots of others from lots of different rings in many different places over the decades.

.He was cloaked but we knew we was around. We could feel a plunging of our mood and parts dissociating and then remembered the kind of things and the people who dont mind carrying those things that can cause that in us. When we felt out where he was hiding we started kicking the shit out of him. A lawyer or something off his or Comedy Central's rushed forward to defend him. We were glad of the interruption. We hated the look in their eyes when they knew that no matter what they had done to us and ours we couldnt kill them.

We knelt down to be eye to eye Ollie.

"Three kids" .. then floundered, " three kids and Pablo so that's four kids.. twenty years of unpaid child support, twenty years of lost earnings, twenty years of physical, sexual and emotional abuse and trafficking.. And the jokes."

Then got up and wandered over to the dude you had been waiting for this.

The other three were waiting to. We knew we had a swab from Pabs in our pocket and handed it over to the possible lawyer prick and said if he wanted another from Pabs we would have to work something else out without Oliver being there. Wyatt, Louise, the oldest who was a premy born on a copter and was whisked away almost immediately and kept away from it all as much as they possibly could and called her Rose and me all took swabs in front of him and put names on ourselves. We looked up from doing ours and saw the three of them standing there, so calm, writing in the boxes. We were so proud of them, of us and everyone who ever helped.

Think it was about then we checked to see if he was aware of how many of Oliver's associates had moved on. We got the impression he had no idea about half who died back when we were in Dundee, or August 14 or that day itself but weren't curious enough to talk to him any further about it. We did think though about being in the cages with him. When we were very little and we were first shocked at how dangerous he could be but he hadnt clocked back then at the beginning that we could lie and lie well and think for ourself.

We starred back down at fucking name box. Furious with our fucking self. The dude told us not to worry about it he knew what we were struggling with but we weren't convinced he meant it. We couldnt write "Rose" anything on it. Think we at least managed to stick the Rosa in the middle of Julia Stuart.  There was a bit of debate about this from lawyers and police and such and we weren't comfortable rubbing out anything we had written so we said "Why don't we just take another swab and put Rose Nelson or Hendrix on it."

There was a bit a silence. We made sure we looked John Oliver in his swelling bloody face as we walked over to the other guys. It feels like our checks should be getting see through by now sometimes and we often said so. We took another two. One labelled Hendrix, one Nelson and this felt best with us all. We did so in a little huddle, not to close so that it might look like we were hiding something just close enough so that if anyone fell over someone else could probably catch. No one saying much just trying not to sweat or puke or shake too much then it was handed over, with contact details. I said "All rape" as we put the bags in Oliver's guy's hands and the guy giving his contact details agreed.  After that we shook hands and hugged and they left and I went to say goodbye to our kids. It wasn't easy. None of it.

Fuck knows if Oliver said anything else. Probably some abusive or grooming nastiness. He was supported off and I think people held us for a bit before we all parted ways.

We haven't heard anything since.

No. I'll never stop crying.

We did very well to put it of this long. It's a bastard attachment issue. A zero to three bastard attachment issue. We were dissociated bad. Brand new part bad. New toddler that couldnt remember anything about Grandad or anything. She knew pain and horrific adults then she was put in a cage with an older boy who we came to know as Ollie. He was so nice to us sometimes and not at all other times. He mostly did what he was told and we already knew that they told kids to pretend to stand up to them to try and get us to trust them. Sometimes he wouldnt let us sleep and would tell us we had to stay awake. One of the other girls said he was bad and we said he wasnt but we also didn't think any us in there were "good" but didnt have the words for that yet.

He was given the task of keeping us as this new slightly younger than I actually was part from remembering about before. They especially didnt want me remembering my granddad. It broke our heart when we had gotten a bit stronger and had remembered enough from seeing and talking to Grandad and were watching Ollie enough to know he was helping them keep us from Grandad. We started hiding it from him. It was tiring having to be different people according to who was in the room, who could see, who could here.

We stopped sharing so much with him and he withdraw and we were put in different cages more. We were always scared of that bond and the trust we had in him when we had just been split and were just starting to talk. Scared that he would help them bring her out. She loved and trusted him so much and the rest of us knew that even if he wanted to keep us safe he couldnt. Some of us season a real acceptance in him sometimes especially as he got older that we were to be used up by the staff and other survivors for everything they could get and then they would go off and lead lives and we would die. We knew that was definitely how the abusers felt and wasnt sure how much he had internalised it himself. We were too scared to look to closely to find out for sure. There is a real sense that we did when once when we caged at night together and we didnt like what we saw so badly we can remember how it felt vividly and can still hear ourself crying.

We were to scared to check again especially as it was after that he stopped letting us sleep more. It made us feel so ill.

Christ what a state we woke up in when he stayed over in Fintry. He eventually persuaded us to let him near us and persuade us back to bed and held us while the switching and the flashbacks eased. There was a real sense that he was sorry for everything he did to us when we where little and locked up together but we are too much still locked up to believe its real. We need people to not disappear on us again or us to be in a position to not have to disappear again before it would be possible to believe in someone that much.

We were so glad however at how it worked out when Jacqui had us talking about this when we really didnt want to especially to her and we showed a zen like level of acceptance of it all. Knowing the obvious traps always helps though, like we talked about us being seen as something other victims use up we paused to allow her to say "well you are".

It was one of the times when either we or someone else had recently chased the pornbots out of the flat when the phone rang. We were too injured but we were very angry and we knew who over or whatever was calling the landline probably wouldnt be doing so if they knew they had gone. John Oliver. We said we werent here. We heard them on the phone talking about us a lot so we copied that. I don't know how long this went on for until it got to much and we asked him who he thought he was talking to, "Rebecca". We told him we had lied at the start of the conversation. He did a whole "you don't understand" thing and I think we hung up on him and started getting way to dangerously dissociated to handle what ever the women abuse ring police and friends when they turned up.

He was phoning a lot and we were talking. We were in a mess, the "give us Pablo" siege that went on for so long and was so horrible we forgot who Pablo was. Which came in handy as you can image. You cant tell a child murderer where your kid is if you dont remember you even have a kid. He said he wanted to help us and was so good to talk to but we knew we couldnt trust ourself or anyone else with everything that was ongoing.

"Will you take a call from Jon Stewart at Comedy Central" We used the fact we were obsessing over Ollie to not here they "Stewart" part and talking without giving him much time to interrupt they way we had been Oliver before he said enough that we couldn't stop the littles from not noticing. We did feel more us like after but we knew there was fuck all point trying to do much with our consciousness anyway except try and reduce the damage moment by moment and leave all the important decisions the parts of us that knew what the fuck was going on.

Their is a possible paternal issue with Pabs and Mr Oliver which with can only be a possible when you dont have the paper work and you and everyone else bullshits you about who you are and how your kids come about. He often said he is Pabs dad and used it when he came over with someone who wasnt who they said they were and demanded to know where Pablo was. Not that any of it wasn't serious enough. We had some of our own security back and we were trying not to vomit both in fear and relief knowing the landline would ring and it did and a voice asked for the guy to give his name and rank which he wasnt happy about. We were starting to remember who the fuck we were which triggered an expression we had been persuaded to  repeat versions of over and over whilst being made to feel better and better.

 "I'm sorry Sir but whatever rank in whatever American authority you have I have the authority to out rank it."

There was some handing around of the phone and talk about my name and stuff that pissed us off because we still couldnt hear it then they left without Pablo's location that I didnt know any way. We wept on the phone with the FBI guy for a while once they had left they scene. Talked about the state we were and how hard we were fighting and all the recent rapes. He cried to and reminded me utterly of why we talk to these people by calming us down and making us feel better without harmful bullshit. We both knew Pabs was probably going to end back in the flat because of the amount of horror and money that was being pumped into making it so.

The seeing Oliver in Pabs programming is hitting us pretty fucking hard at the moment though.

When things got that he was forced back to Fintry and we were both raped and abused in a bunch of ways he said to us he was glad Pablo was back with us and we remember how cold our body went. Frozen.

May 29, 2016

Sorry mum that's my boss I need to go speak to him.

Ah well. It's what I'm fighting isn't it? The system of slavery. The manipulation of attachment needs that enables it.

It's why we had a "not engaged party" we were not fucking engaged. Christ cant I go back think I'm in love/married to/waiting for my pimping brothers.. Maybe he's a pimping brother to! Can't wait to get there. Really. This is awful. It's all crap. Every relationship we thought we built out of that fucking compound. They are all programmed, groomed and handled. They never saw us. Every promise was the them repeating what pure evil wanted them to say. It's like we told Jacqui. When the sex is that orgasmic to a DIDer it's as likely to be caused be massive denial as by the opposite. Brain isn't gonna let you know what is really going on here. It's not an idiot.

Paying Dr O'Maly.

John Oliver. Your a cunt.

We are attempting to balance it with Tuscany before Palermo.

It came first actually. Raised us up high enough to survive "fuck he's not coming back, he was never here", the begging and the desperate attempt to explain how bad things are, how much Pablo needs a parent and how we cant survive the both of our lives being put to the side because people need to take orders from abusers to feel safe. We cant handle any of it thats how it works for them for so long because we end up all in for the denial and the abusers. Don't leave us to deal with all own our own. There are lots here that still completly believe in you and us but others dont see any sign of you being able to help us. Don't leave it a year. If we still haven't heard from you on on own birthday next year we wont be able to pretend any longer. We cant let it do any more damage.

A year ago.

Tuscany though. It is a place that exists. With people and wine and food in it. And we have been there.

And this isnt going to kill us.

We saw it all. Back in the fucking labs.

May 28, 2016

How my finger tips were burned.

They weren't blistered. Just a bit sore and hot over the rest of day and the next. A physical reminder to a mind that was being pushed to forget everything.

I think it was Jessie and not Noah we were talking to. We were pissed of with him but not enough to not talk to him. We knew there would be someone showing up that day pretending to be him and the impact of whatever the brobot would say and attempt to do to us would be a lot less if we didnt speak to him at all.

We felt it before we saw it. One of our ships in that had been in fascist hands for years. We half dropped, half chucked the phone to some well else. We built them to very sensitive to our commands and we were on top of it had the lid opening pretty quickly. We felt very ill at looking him in the cockpit of own of our babies. He struggled briefly, screamed "mum" then his neck was broken and we dropped him back in the cock pit, put in his limbs and told her to close.

We jumped back down. She needed a verbal command to revert to previous programming and go back to her true home. We left our hand and finger tips on to long intentionally as she shot off knowing the shinny metallic material against finger tip flesh would leave friction burns.

Blair Blair was not mine. He was Louise's I think one of the girls who they could get in states where they would agree and cooperate with them intentionally distressing the foetus and controlling the pregnancy. Who wouldn't put up a fight if they weren't happy with what they had and decided to abort and try again. They are scared of our DNA producing someone unpredictable, that was the exact opposite of what they wanted.

Someone who would cooperate with the extreme abuse of the baby at birth and onwards. They made sure we saw and knew about lots of what they were doing. The poor babies. We wept for him when we heard they had decided this one was going to be kept alive and trained for adulthood but never again. He was the pet of all the worst abusers at the BBC and British police and intelligence, from the RA networks, the American stuff, the Jersey cunts and wako African shit, all the worst abusers and porn and control techniques from across the world and we couldn't help him. He was on his own. Unsurvivable.. They discussed and convened lots on how to make him what they wanted and specifically what they wanted him to do and we knew they were being listened to because everyone is then discovered how revoltingly rotten the NSA is.

Some really believed they could convince us that we would agree to all that for cash, drugs, clothes, for sex and/or rape with and of celebrities and others.. They really invested in thinking is was possible that I could be become like Louise or Rebecca or Morag or any of them.. To see them chatting and laughing and making material or social demands as they shifted themselves and their heavily pregnant bodies into positions so baby torturers got better access. Knowing the years of fertility that were ahead of us all. It never left any of us. We couldn't let it. We know what kids that come from scenes like that are capable of.

Whoever we had chucked the camera to had let it run and positioned it so Jessie saw everything and was now being shown the surrounding carnage. He shadowed us for a while letting Jessie see what my life was and had been, what it turned us into and what we had to do just to stay alive. How it was endless slaughter not to get a better life for me and Pabs but just to have any life.

Getting us to name them was a thing. A long term thing. They were trying get us to want to save him, to kill ourself trying to save them all. There was only one name for that poor fucker we knew he would be trained to hate us and need to destroy us and everyone who cares about us. Or cares about anything.

 Blair Blair.

Grandad's Girl.

It's Hendrix. We keep Nelson as a middle name. I'm my grandad's.

Very few people are cut out and supported enough to survive the compounds. He's not that kind of fighter. It's been tough. Really tough. The way it was set up so that when we wanted to see and talk to him again we would find him with industry rapists or with other girls that were being trained to pretend they were me.

There was surgery. We were told in the Glen I think, on that patch of track that went behind Logiebank that where we know a few meetings happened. We were so fucking relieved we wept. Think we said that if he was just telling us to make us feel better we would totally forgive him because we needed to here that some much. The guy didnt like that and asked when he had every lied to him. He was certain.

We agreed and said we probably already knew. That they had probably done it in front of us. Probably so because of what happened to us whenever we wondered if they had. He knew us and spoke gently trying to see if we could say more because that kind of dissociation was very dangerous and he wanted to help us not because he needed to info. We said that when we felt strong we tried to think about and would remember an operation room in the compound and Dad on the table being asked questions so they can map shit out and cut or burn the right place. He's trying not to answer but they have other girls there to and they are helping the surgeon.

Afterwards one of the higher up men is asking us what we learned from it. We had no idea what he wanted us to say. All we could think about was how much the other girls had helped. How everything they had been doing and saying and pretending had been about helping them enslave my dad. All we could say was we would never, ever trust Louise again. Then maybe started listing the names of all the other girls involved who we knew we did not have worry about any of us hearing or identifying with or trusting at all ever again regardless of consciousness. He didnt like it and had us dragged off to be raped. All we could see and hear was the surgery.

We had felt wariness towards dad from grandad before that. They had him performing in too much porn. Not realising how much worse things always are to how they look.
"Dad they have you performing sexual acts over and over.. They are getting you to states where you dont need to be aware and in control of your body its become so automatic, its in the muscles and they don't need your brain. Like us with shooting and killing. They are going to increasingly drug you up when they already have you very sleep deprived, they will manipulate your dissociative parts and one day they are going take out the actress and put in me and you wont know the difference and they will have us in a state where we cant wake you up.

That is of course is exactly what happened.

It was after the surgery though. We are pretty sure atm.

Some of us felt so guilty. That maybe if we hadnt fought so hard against the incest they wanted from us we could of protected his brain more. Grandad didnt have to say anything. He just had to look at us and we knew that was crap.

All of us knew without any doubt when it happened.

Brains can rewire. Rape from a loved one cant be undone. We knew our relationship interims of him being my Daddy was dead. I think were about seven because I remember our eighth birthday party where he played for us and there is a strong sense that it was after. We would never be close again because they space I needed from him after would be be impossible to cross years later when I wanted to because we wouldn't know each other and there would be thousands of scumbags, zombies and bots that surround us both would never allow it and christ knows what his brain and body would of become during that time.

That is old world rules. We are still waiting for the new world ones to kick in properly. Christ there is nothing as scary as hope.

On that note. We love you John Oliver.

He's fine. Not any smaller. Spends all weekends glued to a flea ridden sofa... someone should do something about that..

May 27, 2016

You tore us apart with all things you wont know.

That nasty come down or recently traumatised messed up brain chemistry feelings wont shift. Trying not to think of Trevor Noah. And the phone call instructing us not to tell him who Pablo River Stuart was. When he asked on some video call via equipment that wasn't ours we felt the same as we did when the other prick told us what to do only stronger, how the hell were we talking to him if he didnt know who PRS is?

 We told him that, we were freaking and we saw him look of cam to someone for advice on what to say next we said "Cut" and shut it down. The device "vanished". We know the deal when our memories are chopped up and the blank patches are very blank - we are being kept unconscious lots, and the DID seriously worked along side the women pretending to be us. Very poorly.

Was the same when someone said our grandad was dead. Like we were immediately going to try and contact him to find out if it was true?? Still though it was years before that set of us could see him and know he definitely wasn't, a year ago.

Elaine is the door way of her disgusting living room holding cut up lemons and looking very pleased with herself. There's lots of laughter. Think it's me, Sash and one of my teenage daughters on the floor but getting incidents mixed up is really easy. We thought a lot about how much scarier all this would be if we didn't know where it all came from. If we hadnt been in caged in the same spaces where everything they were doing now had been done to them, hadnt known they had been doing these exact same things since they were kids just as instructed, if we hadnt overheard or been forced to assist in surgeries where they cooperated fully with the surgeons it would be a lot less survivable. Some of us thought that we wouldnt survive if we weren't being gang raped and tortured next to people we loved but never get to see. The rest of us knew thats how they keep hard core porn subjects alive.

The look on Jacqui's face when we told her we were giving info about the compounds and the programming to other victims to undermine the power of it all. Priceless.

Beyonce in Dundee..

starring in torture tapes with assorted victims filmed on location with Fintry's best loved sex offender Elaine Smith!!

Cant remember exactly what had been going on or how long it had been going on but we were really ill and in agony, couldn't think. As well as Pabs location they were trying to get info and control events on now, May 2016. From us. Back then. Sitting on the floor near the door to Pabs room though we were coming round enough to know where we were and to remember we were sitting where Francis's body was, with Beyonce standing where Ann, or was it Sam? was. That helped.

Once folk got us to a better place internally after that one of the first things was Pablo had to be out the country and stay out the country and it was probably going to be necessary a times to keep him moving and we must not under any circumstances be told where he is.

Can't remember how much Beyonce and company paid for a search and destroy operation on six year old Pablo River Stuart. Something stupid. Particularly as it failed.

"Yeah there's only one person on Earth that I know of that could help finding someone like that."
"His Ma.."

Back on the floor in the dark. We are using her name as much as and trying make out like we are stronger and more awake than we are so they pull her out of there.

"so basicly I get to parent Pablo or he gets to live" She agrees. "Well I wouldnt be a very good parent if I let you slaughter him would I" She didnt like. Think we started talking about the threats about the kid over here.
JZ opens the door to the closey and tells her its time to go. He's never far when's she's working and a whole crew. They dont do any sneaking around or any kind of work on their own. Never have.

Wonder how many times we watched. Usually from the floor, injured, tied, drugged, pregnant, whatever. Usually to the man when we were really little. Then JZ but others to of course. As they left they made more promises to have Pabs killed. We weren't on our own for long before people came to us and helped us feel less scared for Pabs.

So many fucking years of it.

"Why don't you just kill her?"
"No we can't"
"You said we could do whatever we wanted?!"
"Yeah but only if they let us."

I am the mountains, I am the sea.. you can't take that away from me.

May 26, 2016

"So what was it? A ship or a plane?"


Got really sore, weepy, irritable, little for most of rest of day. Was very proud of our self for sticking on the oven and putting together chips and scrambled egg with beans and salsa for us. Just too fucking sore. Dont particularly want to write about the kinds of causes we are sharing within ourself. We dont mind saying that in the moments before Rebecca dropped permanently we were standing very close to her. We told those there that it was Rebecca but to say it was Louise. Remember seeing someone tell a uniform it was Rebecca but he was outnumber and talking to someone that was friendly enough to either already know or not give a fuck. Then we saw by the awkward questions about how he knew that, what he was doing there and where I was before standing close to Rebecca before she dropped.

He was floundering and said I saw us being raped on the other side of the street, we said we didnt we had been raped that afternoon but we had been hurt and it had been attempted. When he described the rape scene we said that wasnt us it was Rebecca and she lived and worked with and for those guys for years and we heard her agree to it before hand.

 It started out during times when we were so dissociated and drugged we didnt know what was happening to us from one moment to the next and they would tape other girls and say it was us. Later on they were all about keeping us in a state where we remembered good times with the other girls when we were little and being victims together and none of the bad so the girls would be involved in stuff like in front of us just to trigger and fuck with us. "It's just sex work Julia."

She called us Julia as well. We had stopped them calling us Louise. But there was no budging on "Julia". As well as lots of the stuff they wanted it to trigger calling us that also brought back her associates in me and Pab's flat and how they went through various names to try and stop us from shooting them. Sam started she was closet in the doorway of the living room a couple of feat away every bit desperatly needed her and the memories she brought with her to not be there, our flesh was in agony, confused, terrorised, nauseous and angry at her smell and what we could see of her features by the patches of street light coming from outside.

She called us "Louise and maybe started saying something in her evillest voice when our training kicked in and we sorted out our stance and she wasnt saying anything. At least one of the other called us that to even after Sam was down I think. Ann was next she was near where the dirty washing mountain usually was. She was trying various names, as we stepped out the bedroom into the hall, maybe "Mia" and some ring handles and Julia..nothing that didnt just make it all the more easier. We saw where Francis was at Pabs bedroom door when the hall was briefly lit again twice.  Francis was left alive and she called us "Julia" and then when it was obvious that wasn't going to work she shouted "Rose" when the other two were both dead. After calling us Julia. They would rather die than call us by our own fucking name.

Not that it would of stopped us because we knew what they were there for and we knew the kind of kit they were carrying and how it was going to be used on me and Pablo, just that they stuck to their orders right to the end like that. Francis being the only one who could bring herself to disobey orders or was allowed to use it but only after the other two were down and we were aiming for her.

Not real people.

There was to much going on when we were told the autopsy results for it to register properly but would love to hear it confirmed again that bits of their brains had been scarred or removed during childhood and if anything else had been added. We remember having to sit down, not so much at Sam because we remembered she had be done in the compound but particularly at what we were hearing about Francis. Horrific.

It was the way the uniform stood in a way that we could see the look in his eyes when he started asking how I could of killed her after walking up behind her when no saw us touch her and there was no weapon and no sign of any injuries. Happy little bubbled up for the first time in ages as we watched him and we felt really safe and hopeful for a little bit sitting on the curb before we had to go off and go battle.

If I got them to stop being involved in plots to rape, murder and keep us enslaved then they would kill them. If they continued we would end up killing them in self defence.

"Just go. Leave us alone. I'll forget about you. You forget about us. There's plenty ways to make money without torturing us and little kids."

"They wont let us."

Louise died the same day as her sister in August 14. We believe. At time of press.. She thought she could go off and live happily ever after on our work and leave us in the hell she was used to create and then helped keep us in it. We said goodbye and "I love you" to her fabulous little then she got in one of our shinnies and was pretty much atomised when she tried to pass through one of my gates with her in it.

She was chipped and we were glad when we got a call from an less familiar American accent in unfamiliar building saying her signal died and she almost certainly had to. We said what we knew, not sure if we were about to be threatened with the might of American and Allies military and intelligence strength but were disappointed when he apologised. We asked if he was saying sorry for her death or the state she was in, he said the state she was and possibly for the loss of the hardware which we had noted certain parts were smarting over..

We heading back up the stairs when he said something else, something we all liked a lot and felt very relived for the future.. He was annoyed that we wouldnt be able to just remember and keep what he had said in mind for the next few years but we explained that was part of what we were fighting. Think thats when it hit us when we had worked with him before and how much we had needed to tell him so much more but had been prevented.

He had been totally manipulated into a place of basically thinking decent folk were the evil ones but once we told him to listen to some of the folk that were there we knew we could start getting him up to date but that was going to take a heartbreakingly long time.

Sometimes we do feel like we are going to run out of emotions because we have used up out life allowance of them..

Think we may of been cajoled or it was at least suggested by someone that we phone Louise's head pimp/handler in a gangster tool type manner and demand he pay us for the price of the ship as a way of declaring her death..

It was very cathartic and utterly erased any remaining "but they are my friends its not their fault" guilt and helplessness and terror and so many other programmed emotional states designed to keep us their victim and stop us from exposing them to anyone who would be a real problem. Very successful in all the ways for a long time but not so much any more or writing most of what we have written and been remembering sadly but mostly calmingly over the past few weeks.

May 25, 2016

Can't we just get algorithms to do like all of it..

 How much of all this getting the Man to try persuade/force us depending on the day and time of day to work within him against Mother is something else trying to get us to work with Mother against him? Well it was going to work a bit because if we didnt we were almost certainly going to die. She's not that  brain dead dead or absent enough yet to dont be enraged by men not recognising her potential and trying to undermine her. The more power they take from her and give to him they are making it more obvious that they have been playing her the whole time and as much as she pulls that whole "It's what people do" thing they are they closest she has ever had to her own people and she does go in for personal vengeance from time to time.

It reeks of pure evil lost it a long time ago Zionism. Maybe a little to much..
.. Bet its the Brits. It always the fucking Brits. Doesnt matter what colour they are or what language they are speaking we recognise those "styles of politics" those torture, oppression and dissociation control techniques.

God it would be good if we could write a computer to do that stuff.


"You've already written it!?!"

"Eh no. We are here to help you write it."

"Oh. Ok. Cool. Whose idea was the big pink frilly dress and the wand?"

"I'm not sure Sir they said it might you smile."

"They were right."

Oh yeah.

After Mother, after the women, after Eazy.

He asked a long time who we were having consensual sex with. Not that it effected the UK Satanic bet stuff. We refused to tell him. He said he would he find out. We agreed and said it would be the last thing he did. We knew it was on a level that was unlikely to be all real physically but is packed with all other kinds of shattered truths.

Goodness it was good to back there for the last fucking time. He was out of it. Never knew we were standing behind him. Waiting for the triggered internal mind transmission to end. He was quite surprised when we leaned over and spoke.

"It was Eazy." and then waited for him to catch up.

When we catch ourselves literally salivating over the thought of slitting a throat we leave the knives at home and ask for other peoples help to make sure that happens. We had been very relieved not to find a blade in our pocket. It was one of those jobs and because of it being the Man it wasnt like we could just pull and leave there was some other stuff to do. Stuff that we had been running over in our head for a long time with people who had been very willing to help for a long time.

Back out the car. Quiet, smiling soldiers. All of us seeing the stunning colours and patterns of a new glasses prescription, smells and tastes like your pregnant and just quite smoking, bodies like you've been given diazepam for the very first time. Minds all comfortably overlapping. Considerably freerer.

Saw Jacqui shift when spoke how we dont speak about could possibly be described as "psychic" with therapists we haven't trained or vetted because they don't have the experience and it would be harmful to us and not helpful to the therapist. We said there was too many abusers involved in mental health study and too many abusers telling survivors of institutes and rings like what we could and couldnt say. She asked if there was someone telling us what we could and couldnt say.

"Of course. We already told you. We are in Scotland. With no money and no friends. Every aspect of our life is controlled, long in advance if they can manage it."

We thought for a moment she saw how much we were "there" how much we knew she was heavily involved and not just the "EPs" she was terrifying and telling them not to tell the rest of us.

"That stuff won't work Jacqui." We said on the home, in our bedroom, in Elaine's, in Graham's, in sessions. "If that shit worked I'd be dead by now. It's hardly going to start working now I'm almost thirty is it?" Then we would lie and say "and Jacqui. We always know our name." and work our levels so we could say it without the parts that were too scared to hear it. It happened so often of course that the parts stopped being too scared to hear what the stronger parts were saying our name was.

Sometime we would mix it up and "Rose Hendrix" instead of "Rose Nelson." or if really brave or on the right drugs, start throwing in other names and then say "Nah. Just kidding.."

We got as many of the other people who they were doing the same shit to say the exact same or similar stuff. Knowing the order would come down eventually. She cant know her own name. Stop what your doing if you cant stop her saying it.

Rose Nelson Hendrix. Rose Nelson Hendrix. Rose Nelson Hendrix

Thank you all.

Ridiculous existence.

Christ Trevor wept when he thought we had thought we had consensual sex with someone who was trafficking us.. We climbed into bed next to him and spelt it out. The dude needs programming to function yeah? and it must of been a really good programmer for us to feel than comfortable or me that manipulated.. like a really good programmer he spent a lot of time with as a child.. locked up in cages maybe?

He stopped crying but still was there yet he's so fucking dense.

"A really good programmer.. that could help him have sex with us.." Still. But there was signs of preclicking. "A. Really. Good. Programmer. That spent a lot of time with him when he was younger." Eventually. A brief look of horror and disgust passed over the plain of his mug before we both buried ourself in duvet for embarrassed giggling. When we started to get it together I deliberately sabotaged both our efforts by adding that it was "really just sophisticated masturbation.".. Pansy.

A mum had showed us it when really young not to use then but for when we were older they said we would need it and they were right. You can find your most raped, know nothing else parts and take them to "no bastard will ever be able to do that to me again" places by yourself in our time in own way.

We were astounded at now well it worked. Years of their hard work. Figuring out how we ticked, which always means us getting more and more convincing at being someone else, all that years and years of strenuous rape and creative intelligent oppression and manipulation, all their hours and hours of meetings and "info gathering", constantly pushing themselves to do worse and worse things. Ruined overnight.

We did have to push ourself to go speak to the dude how can provided the surveillance that us and others were not comfortable with turning off or not bothering with for the night. We stood and stared at the mobile unit for a while. Working ourself to go in there. Avoiding the issue with thoughts about who had encouraged us to always think of such vans and cabins as "OB vans" as in BBC outside broadcast from ops in Britain because it happened everywhere always and to all of us and what the hell else did he do?

Come on. How long could we just stand there. Feeling like a teenager who had to walk back into family home to kitchen table of anxious parents and possible police all wondering where they hell I was all last night and why the hell I didnt have the consideration to at least phone and say I was ok..

The teenage bit might of been right (no idea. late teens not impossible) but as for the rest, thats not what was going on here. Then we started feeling horrified at the idea that those men might not know us that well and they might of watched us having lots of sex without knowing how phenomenally violent and strong we could be.. And they would know we were standing there in the street by ourself, pulling horrified facial expressions. Like an idiot. Being embarrassed.. for fucks sake.

Of all the stuff we had not walked away from and now are feat were frozen? That was it. Deep breath. Shake it off. I'm a soldier. There faces were purple from laughing, they were scrunched over consoles failing to hold themselves together, with all kinds tears on their cheeks and eyes. Not that anyone was managing much in the way of eye contact or sentences.  We managed though. We had to say this. There had to no copies of that going anyway, getting stolen or lost or accidentally sold. It had to be deleted. 100% of all of it. And we would be checking. They weren't disagreeing. Once we got through that we could start laughing with them and take the hugs and the back slaps.

There was efforts to try and replicate the night and setting from what was in Eazy's head and we were shown some, either to convince a part that wouldn't believe it was possible that it did happen or to give us laugh through showing us a glimpse of how far they were from knowing even the most basic shit about us.

Apparently sex with black men didnt count towards the satanic bet the Man said when they knew that about it and we probably had them convinced we were letting black dude that smiled at us right into pants. We were pretty sure it was a UK thing not a colour thing but we didnt say. We started berating him for being a black man who worked for white power and instead of laughing at us, saying he didnt care it made him rich or getting violent he looked pissed off and got quiet. This is new, we thought and guessed it was probably a different dude.

Then we remembered that small amount of work we did when the double agents had done a lot of work on Mother and we got her to work us before she went in for more surgery when we actually got a proper look at her mind a glimpsed its potential and met her none abusers parts. Seething.

Thankfully the dude was still to brooding to have spotted that our whole stance had just dramatically changed. We pushed it into looking like we were feeling for him and waste of it all and looked it he was too inward looking to spot it was faked. Even when we started crying he just stormed out calling us some names we had heard a million times before and saying he couldn't work us..

Grandad had him. He was fucked.

May 24, 2016

Cake, cake, cake!

"I don't believe you will ever have a timeline and certainly don't think is something any of your parts are anywhere near even partially."

Our eyes went saucer like, eye brows all the place. So she added, while putting her head to side and trying to seem genuine. "I can only go what I've seen of course."

(are you SURE she isnt on our side? (Yes we are))

We played split. The cold hard confident then head down, glazed eyes and nodding in agreement.

How could she buy this? She obviously saw the look on us when she looked like she had pushed us back we werent trying hard. From what we had seen in sessions and out she and her people had no clue about anything. How could that be?

Then it another level. Most of this was supposed to be repeats, revisions, triggerings of shit with Mother and others. Sessions that often didnt go how she thought it went when it was ongoing and her memory and parts where arranged and controlled afterwards so she didnt even remember what had happened. During meetings with the bosses and associates lots of what she was telling them was utter fiction. Tapes were being faked, brought in, taken out or if we had to deleted or physically destroyed before anyone saw them.

The double agent manipulating Mother after sessions with us and showing us how to do was so worried when he couldnt do it any more because we didnt seem worried, we were glad excited even. Think we saw and heard him weeping because he thought they had lost us and we wanted to tell him so badly it was because we were ready but knew we couldnt so we went off and went to find whatever cage Eazy was in to go and tell him in one of our shared languages that we changed so much no one else could understand a word of.

God it was such a relief when so him a while later and he had seen the work we were doing and was so far from worried and eyes so dark and shiny that we warned him against thinking we could be that though and that amazing all the time then we remembered the way he cried and agreed he and us to could have this moment.

We were pulling lots of the same stuff and working with people to limit the damage done by the man to but it was harder. Every time we came back more of the girls had turned or were saying that had to pretend they had turned against us and were working with him and we would see one day it would be worth. Which of course was obvious crap. He did get them all or get them to get them all.

Enemies on the other sides of the bars are bad but the ones they put in the cages with you and are in the same physical state can be so much more dangerous. We had to stop trying to figure out if there was any warmth left in any of them for us. They were obviously keeping Rebecca a bit alive, a bit aware, having her shown love and healing now and again to give her false hope enough to bring her back to torture us and try and reel us in..

We remember feeling very determined that none of them would have any hand in Mother's death or the final destruction of this hell hole. Survival came down to morale and therefore it was an imperative that none of these bitches had essential role in any stage whatsoever. Except maybe Rebecca depending on what state she would be at the time.

We may of helped set Morag up for credit for some of it. Thats what they did. So we sat in comfort with some lovely feds, trying out some new military grades and drinking some kind of sweet snaptz stuff which grew on us immensely as we watched Morag being congratulated for a mission she knew absolutely nothing about and was very bad for her interests..

The shit people were saying was hysterical. There was definitely quite a few there who were very much in on it. After she left we were reluctantly shooed out into the function knowing at worst we could eat food and cake and turn off our ears when some tool started prattling BS but I dont think we had to turn our ears off at all. Not for those reasons anyway. The percentages in the room of decent battling scarred humans versus evil robot horror stories was very different than to what they had been and reminded us of some of the earliest functions we were at when very little. Really happy.

Is Beyonce your Gabriel Daddy?

He nodded and wept. Gabe was years and years away. I was not long verbal.

See you face in the mirror a tiny bit again. Easier now its had the sun on it. Not as much as we see Lynne, Laura, Bill though and hear the name Louise so loud when we look at us. Sometimes are worse than others. Don't think we have managed to look at ourself and think "Rose" much but we will..
Remember how much they were determined to keep us out the sun. How much we hated total block?  They were either keeping us out the sun and coating us in that shit or painting us dark and telling us not to smug it or scratch the wig too much. Non of it made any sense. We thought it was about being outside and how that made us feel better and didn't get the need for the block. Pretty much everyone non white skinned and human said was more to it than keeping us out the sun because we liked it. Some of us were slow for it to click

We are struggling to give much of a physical description for mother. White Fair, fair, slim. Russian and Jewish heritage? We figured by the state she was in that if she had ever known any other life it wasnt for long and was either created or chosen because of coming from a mixed race and "culturally conflicted" background . We were talked to later from people from outside saying that she was not conceived in love or lust. She was pure bred pogrom.

Some tried to say she was a fighter like us once and they turned her into a torture machine through all the punishment but the material they showed us and the story they were giving wasn't convincing. We had too much experience and training ourself by whatever point it was to not have questions and the answers weren't convincing. We asked if this was to make me believe she was "real family" and said it didnt matter to us anyway its not like we saw leaving the compound and growing up part of a family was something that might happen or something we wanted with Mother.

We wondered if this was a tale of warning, what I will become if you stay on the path your on but if she was a fighter and thats what they turned her into then that was more reasons to resist not less. We thought it was more likely that she had been like this since she was a little girl, like many of the other kids there that tortured on demand and got creative about it. If this was about stopping us from thinking about our biological mother then like a lot of stuff that goes on it has the opposite effect so much we wondered if they meant it or had at least been misinformed.

We remember there was an old white dude there as much as she was in the early years and we think that with the help of the double agents and their training and permission from others that were rarely there he may of been one of our earliest kills. Mabye the first but because of the DID and the being around so much death and murder we didnt realise.

Think it was after that she noticed us more and the one to one stuff and the "I am your mother *** "(whatever name of the part she was trying to control/create) really started we were just another amongst many before then. Without him another guy began working with Mother lots more. We listened and watched their power struggles and discussions. Looked away from their attacks on each other from the cages in the rooms they worked in. They wanted to keep a close eye on us. We caused trouble in the pens with the others. We couldn't hear what they were saying then and it was better to be alone as much as possible sometimes.

He was to race as she was to gender. Their conversations and plans made us physically sick sometimes and we would be terrifiied that they would figure out that we were not only listening we were understanding before we realised they had no clue and it was years before they did. He had a big broad build, bald head and dark skinned American black with one of those necks with some many wrinkles and folds we imagined you could pull his head and it would all flatten out and his neck would be as tall as a giraffes.

 It scared some of us more because we felt that our white skin meant there was nothing we could do about everything we were overhearing and seeing, that we were excluded from even talking about it but our dad and grandad and others said that was the programming and helped us remember him forcing it on us and the sense of inferiority and powerlessness and distance from my dad and grandad caused by nothing but skin tonne would peel of like a sticker.

One thing the male abusers always had over the women in terms of terrfying and hurting people is of course the male reproductive function. Mother would never be able to impregnant us all by her self but everyone male of all rank and role could and all the boys they were training could use it as a threat and promise they would when they and girls were older. We lost some of that fear when we saw how much turkey basters and syringes were used and how easy it is for just about anyone to get a hold of some male genetic material.

He would talk to us about working with him against mother. It was part of the system he had with victims, he had plans and ambitions beyond mothers with networks that would never accept her.He had a much better understanding and appreciation for organised crime and listen as executed is plans over the phone knowing the misery he was causing knowing was awful. We hated knowing how much misery and hunger they were causing to people outside as well as outside. He was younger than her and i could see his ego and assumptions about what could and couldn't be irritated her. She knew he was always trying to plot against her but didnt care. "It's what people do.."

He was confident he would live longer than her and he was right about that. but we cant remember buying into any of attempts to get us to talk to him about what we really knew and involve him in any plans.  He really believed the world was his and that all the programming and abusers and handlers and enemies he had couldn't stop him. Mother would say she knew she was a slave to sometimes and she seemed to have accepted and embraced that fact just as she was supposed to. He was pure bred pogrom to but because he was supposed to be an aggressive intimidating black man and not a white military class women he had different programming.

Beyonce was his favourite and pet like Morag was mother's. Expect where Mother got violent and pushed and kicked and sometimes got dildos and tools out for Morag he mostly opened his trousers and got his dick out for her to suck, telling her how rich and powerful they were going to be together, what she was going to do for him. How she would be his her whole life. Their lives are their abusers and they cant see anything else as possible.

He was in charge a lot when people were trafficked out in larger groups. When we were all stuck in lighter wire cages that were stacked on top of each other then put in big shipping containers and off we all went to Jersey sometimes and other places. Whether we had water bottles in the cages, or paper or straw or something for the corners totally depended on how long we were going to be in there for and who was involved in setting up the practicalities. You could see grey corpses pulled out at the other end sometimes. On longer trips. When the heat or the cold and the dark went on for so long you could smell it when someone was gone and would pray it was one person over another. Making eye contact at the other end with friends and family in the docks was always momentous.

When we watched Mother and the baldy bastard together we saw signs of where they came from, what made them, who and what taught them their skills and started saying things and asking questions that when repeated by the double agents meant we got to speak to some new people which is always exciting. But was pretty disappointing. The guy kept talking about how serious it all was and how he had "ethical concerns" or some shit about working with a minor.. I think we remembered how some of how our friends talked when they wanted to wake us up and stop us repeating something other say or waffling which startled him and left an opening for one of his people to show some files and try and open the guys eyes to exactly how "serious" it really was.

Waiting for word back made time even slower in the compound,  and made us awaker and much older. We left the compound with the agents at night. We tried to not show how excited we were and not look at the girl that was being left to replace us but we did anyway and when both almost said "Hi!" really loudly, think she did say it audibly which panicked the head dude a lot but maybe made one of the others giggle. And moments later we were out.

There was a lot talking, planning, decent food. I think we wept at the bed. Clothes, travel, surrounded by dudes who seemed very serious about the mission so we felt we would be safe from them until at least until after the mission or maybe just in general. More talking, some begging. Child sized recon armer.. including boots.. "Oh thats what you were measuring us for.".. "You like it?" .. "I love it." We thought about some of the crews we had hid and work with and how different the approaches and equipment and couldnt wait to tell them. No matter how long in the future that would be

. We were smiling a lot and explained that was why. The answer troubled them but they felt better when I explained I knew I was unlikely to see them soon and understood why we couldnt say even if we did. We cried a bit and I think he comforted us a bit. Said some genuine and noncreepy stuff about how special we are and how much he didnt want us to suffer or die and he believed the crews loved us.

All to quickly it was over. We can remember very little except being sarcastic to one of the men when he tried to say something nice that made the guy start in his mask and armour and we felt very self conscious   embarrassed and was so relieved when another one came in and asked if we were ready and could leave the room. The place was very rich, stunning. The feel of the carpet under the quiet comfy boots was the softest thing we had ever experienced. He was ok we could look around and I think couldnt resit giving us a test by saying something along the lines of "all this could be yours all day". We said we didnt think we wanted it and he grinned at us in a way that meant we instantly knew what he asking and it wasnt do as I say and I will look after you.

We would rather not be raped and not have to watch other people being raped than steal for fascists who are starving everyone whilst having access to some cash if and when they say so as long as we do as we are told. We will take the work and the killing over a life on our knees in a pretty dress and plush house whilst taking instructions from child rapists. Any. Fucking. Day.

The in charge guy was so pale as he sat and stared at us after in his office in the base afterwards. Once he got himself together and went over the mission that had just happened and was reruning in our head anyway. He said he would rather we didn't go back and we would see him again. We believed him and were right to.

They were not very happy when we freed them from further abuse from that source. Her more than him. His closer connection to multi million dollar growing industries and his penis meant he felt everything was to his advantage sooner or later. But we saw signs he was rattled especially in what he started having done to us and how much.

There was always a lot of rape by him or someone else on his orders then he would start saying shit, thats how those scenes work. He'd asked about how we felt about him as he had raped us, ask how we felt about whoever he had order to do it, asking how we felt about him as a black man. Eventually he got what he was after and we said we hated him and started forcing an immediate link in us between expressing or even feeling how much we hated him and being raped again. Indeed DJ and RA survivors. That will sound familiar.

Sky was azure I think is the word yesteday sometimes and Saltire blue. Some small clouds that we always feel guilty when we cant name. It is course always good to be looking at the sky not through a crack in the roof of a stinking toiletless hole in the ground but I wish you were here to look at it with us to.

It will be done wont it dad?
Eazy.. ;-) xxx


May 22, 2016

Bring me the girls

Everyone would shrink even further into the shadows of their cages. It didn't usually include us we were too disruptive but she would go through phases of trying to get us to submit and join in "like any other girl" and then when that still wasnt working out "like any other boy". We played a long for a bit hoping to get to understand our brothers and what was happening to them. We saw. And we were prepared for their faces when we started disrupting. Well most of them anyway. Little James looked so happy we were totally distracted for a moment.

When we heard the girls going or being taken to her we would sometime snob quietly in our cage not just for the girls but because we knew she was programming, training and conditioning them to torture us and lie about it. Sometimes we would scream and start battering the bars or the wires of the cages in the hope the distraction the girls would run or fight but they didnt so we stopped that. Sam did seem to begin with like she had spirit but Mother said us encouraging her to run and fight was why she had to make sure it stopped happening. Some of the adults said she was already and any time she looked like she was okay was a trap.

They were Mother's pets, they couldnt think or feel, they were trained to respond to Mother's desires and needs and were carefully watched for any signs of anything different when they were very little but it wasnt as necessary when they were older. Their rooms in Scotland felt amazing sometimes, like not being watched. We would sneak in them just for a few minutes sometimes just to see how it felt, petrifying and liberating at the same time. We shuddered to think and wept and vomited at the knowledge of what they were doing in attempts to simulate that feeling.

They spent their entire adult lives as mother's eyes and ears, mother's hands and mouth pieces. Their capacity for carrying out torture was limitless when they were kids and doesnt get better when hormones kick in.. Any non required responses and feelings were methodically washed away and we watched some of it through bars, little girls and boys followed her instructions with increasing diligence absolutely regardless. We saw in horror that when they were told to think, feel or believe something they werent faking it, they really did it. Stuff she could never check, could easily be pretended, stuff she told them to tell them selves when we she wasnt watching. They were doing it all conscientiously with great focus. We heard their plans against Louise and Rebecca and others ans saw what they were doing and did to them and knew we had to not believe them whenever they said they wanted to help us and anyone else.

There was no more diligent and adoring a pupil than Morag who always went above and beyond to try and impress Mother and as much as she wanted to encourage that attitude in the rest of the kids we saw signs she hated Morag for it particularly when there was less other kids around. The more she abused her the more Morag wanted her acceptance and worked all the harder and tried to cling all the tighter to her and the more that disgusted and triggered Mother in turn.

Of the three of them it was Ann we learned not to look to closely at. That darkness behind the eyes that suggests there was still I.Q in there and those that have lost their heart but not their smart are the most dangerous. She believed and maybe was that Mother was her maternal match and in privilege as a birth right. When Frances cried you could sense a real child in there, that sometimes she was in there darting around inside trying to find a way out, that there was real heart break and hope sometimes before it turned back into vicious cycles of destruction but not with the other two. They cried out of hate and frustration and when they saw mother particularly angry but never empathy or mourning or real pain. Sometimes you could see tears fall from their eyes while their expression and bodies were motionless. We thought they looked like crying sculptures. It was chilling.

"Punch me if you ever see me look like that." We said to one of our soldiers after looking over them in the back of the landrover in that state. He looked back and after shaking of the creepiness agreed that he would. Christ we wept so hard when he saw us standing in the mud in a compound with troops filling all around looking that same way and he did as he promised. We wept for hours with every cell in us and didnt care who saw until we were to exhausted for anything except to close my eyes to the worried smiles and plunge into some very over due, very deep sleep.


I should of never told them they were beautiful

How could help them rape and control and Pablo Jess? How could you not know that was what you are doing?

Very sorry to inconvenience you being present in my own flesh Jess.

Jess wake up..

They have just found someone who looks like him. We know they do that. But it wouldnt be so convincing if he wasnt at least working with them. How can this still be going on I thought he was working with us to stop this. How can this still be going on when she and her base are closest people are gone? Whatever it is we have to fight it because its killing us. No Jacqui its not going to be permanently too much for us because its our brothers and we are so little. If it is him. Even if you did get them all and manage to keep a hold of them without Mother..

Someone dragged him in when more of the network was done. We didnt want to see him we knew exactly how he would be weeping and saying sorry and saying he didnt know. We could tell by the way he was dragged out again that it was about keeping Jess under the heal than trying to get at us. We knew by what our skin did when we looked at him that we had intimate experience of how the guy was an onion of sadism and oppression. The sense that they were faking the whole fucking scene badly made us physically sick once it was over.

"She went to town on the boys."
We couldnt get it out head that she had seen the way we could fill them with pride and had destroyed it. People told us not to blame ourself but we were so little. We couldnt help it. We had lost them. She still had them but we had lost them.

We're all fucked without the dreamers Sir.

Francis Grieve, Ann Maclain, Samantha Thorpe.

Not that they used those I.D.s much but those were their "school names"

It's not at Im confident of this so I'm putting it down it's a jesus did that happen? and if it did we want to not be pussy footy around it any longer.

In the flat. In the middle of the night. Together and uninvited. Pablo sleeping.

They weren't there to be friends with us.

We needed feel on our own with all, we had been talking and they had heard us and shared back but more importantly they armed us.

Two each.

Shouted to Pabs to stay in bed and not move but didnt go in his room until we reloaded in our bedroom. Hands shaking a bit. The relief at what would of happened not happening. The fucking horribleness of it all. How its impossible to regret whilst wanting so much for it to happen. Same as ever. Phone calls came first. Whatever mind, whatever heart in those women was long gone. Surgically in some cases and all the ways of course.

It was hardly the first time Pabs was in the close proximity to weapons being discharged and we knew that whilst still feeling like it was the first I had even though I knew that what was crap. We stepped over the three of them to get back to his room and lay with him until he feel asleep. We barely took our eyes of the piece. It was sinking even further that Mother was gone. Why was there silence? Why weren't we fighting and outnumbered? Because she and her station where gone. Cant remember what we told Pablo. Only enough so he would fall asleep.

It was hitting us as we left his room how many scum bags would be after us for this. They wouldn't be girls we had survived with and fought with that had been consenting, enforcing and earning of it for years now. That has power over victims who cant or wont become a raping and earning ring members. You always want them to change but you know they cant because of the horrific things they have done and they horrific people they are involved with.

I don't know if we just stood there in the wall for a while before attempting to remember who they fuck we were and to get it together. Parts of us were annoyed the relief and the hope that is always so short lived by whatever horrendous amateur was upfront. Others of course were telling them to hush up. She had done the job when she was alone and petrified and why the hell weren't they around to help then anyway?

We didnt want to touch anything. We really needed the scene to be captured as it was without anything being moved or touched. We knew it would get arranged and set up to look like I had murdered them in cold blood when all they did was come over to talk or some shit. We sat on the couch while everything they had done to me and and people I loved over all the years rose up out of the depths and started towering, leaning over us.

The phone rang eventually. Gun shots heard. Is everything ok? The oh thank fuck its you exhale on the line. The holy shit did we honestly just think "where have we heard that before" then she gets smothered. We needed this processed and we needed a person. We asked if there was anyone friendly around and said that they would do but they did sound like they might be newish. We needed someone who knew about all this from longer back. Then I think we got terrified of what we had just possibly just said there and asked just for people, ones that examine murder scenes, the words "professionals even." may of been used. He was definitely trying to calm us down and keep us on the line. He may of made some deliberately very unfunny jokes about what sort of "professional" I was after. We were happy to be held on the line. It felt like if he wasnt talking to us our body was going to be sucked into space.

This wasnt like it usually is when we just want the corpses out the fuck out way and were used to the wacko way things are and how often we have kill to stay alive and to protect kids. This was different parts and it took a little while for the rest of us to relax and let her be really talked to. She hadn't mastered co consciousness yet. This meant the more she came out the more the rest of us faded and became utterly powerless. Exactly what the abusers are after.

Enough saw and we were looked after. There was no mistaking it. The where and when the what they had with them the contacts in their phones their address, their hard drives, their everything. And the state we were in. A few were brought in just for that. The idea we were some sort of killing machine. 24/7 and could defend our self and any number of kids from anything.. They had to see those states. They had to see how much older Pabs was than us and how we were not the child they remembered, we were terrified and broken and could barely talk and clearly had no or little short term or long term memory. They had to be told how hard it was to get that gun to us and keep it there and how much death and loss and fighting there is in other countries and how directly it relates.

We started talking about the recent rapes and Jacqui and Elaine and Graham and the boys and everything that was going on recently and the institute and soldiers when we were young. And some of the horrors in the middle. Locals plus nationals finding stuff out what over seas knew decades ago just from talking to us. Guy teaching the Brits about how to not antagonise our anxiety levels, how to recognise and bring us out of terror and shock.. So patient with all the parts but so quick to call us out when we are hiding true feelings or hurting parts. And explaining it to the masonic tools who were longer in the position to lord it over us.. They tried some of the usual shit, junkie, prostitute, terrorist, murder, child abuser type ilk to someone who had been working with us on very serious and complex operations for over a decade and who worked closely with people who had known us for a lot longer..

The next day we watched as someone dusted the door frames, admiring their technique. It was beautiful and we said they should be an artist. They said they preferred they work they did. We said we understood. We were doing ok, better. We were not letting our thoughts and feelings run away thinking about the prints that could be on there or how layered they were. There was a brief convo about us not washing down the doors or door jams a lot and most of the abusers had no fear of any unwanted consequences from leaving proof that they had been there. They had been right to of been fearless mostly before but without the direct involvement of Mother any more things were different. We also weren't over thinking why the sight of dusting and wood work covered in grey and black was so relaxing we had to look away because we were being transported to different times.

When the junior masonic tool heard she was gone and the place permanently destroy he dropped and told the senior to fuck off while he crawled over for a hug. Guy let him have his hug then told him to back off we were glad. It never felt right codling people who left you to be raped and murdered because they felt it was just the way the world works. It was good to know that her departure and our role in it was going to get round the British masonic tool network though.

Andy who was the bloke on the end of the line was brought in to sit and stay with us. We were coming back to ourself so we gave Guy a I dont think we can do this glance that just made him smile when he told him to sit with us. Guy would never have told him to sit that close to us when our head we were split it just would of triggered us. Before he left he reminded us both that I still hadnt had consensual sex yet ever and it was increasingly important we got it out the way particularly as there was some horrific and ridiculous Satanic bet made when we were very little that I wouldn't be able to have consensual sex by the time I was thirty and it would be better to win it rather than loose it. Also because we wanted to of course. Especially now without Mother's eyes. It was possible.

It didnt happen then. We just talked and joked and cuddled. But it did happen.

It is not easy to describe to how it feels to be an almost thirty year old women and to have phone call after phone call where you hear rooms of people all cheering and celebrating that you have been laid for the first time.


May 21, 2016

It was Rebecca.

"Dont say my name. Give it a year."

So hard.

How do you not say the name of a dead family member and loved one lying on the street?

Like a lot of really difficult things. If you had to do it as a kid there is more chance you can pull it off as a big girl. Devastation either way anyway.

Temporary glued in hair rips out a lot easier than stuff that grew there. We really hoped one of Louise's slipped in there just to fuck with someone but we weren't sure if that was just that desire to destroy everything and everyone talking. Nothing I could do about then anyway.

People would know and say were mostly the same people who dont want going near anywhere near anyone we even vaguely liked living or dead nevermind Rebecca.

People who weren't scum wouldn't be there if they weren't extremely good at reading people and situations and us in situations of extreme stress.

I think we called it Louise's Bunker originally but that was changed to Rebecca's and that terrified us. It was a great place. On a landed estate so the land was managed and beautiful but also not nearly as remote, difficult to get to or as reinforced as mine. It was obviously somewhere to keep unregistered kids that are being used heavily trafficked. We learned to never sleep there.

The three of us were there just back in the country from the instinute via fuck knows (well documented). Louise was sleeping on a bunk opposite, we were talking in ths shadows a bunk opposite about wanting to be girls and fighters at the same time. We always felt posing masuculine and feminime as natural complementary opposites was toxic, a dividing line that seperated peoples and made them toys to whatever fascism came along. We spent many hours in a cage listening to mother discuss ways to enforce and manipulate people through gender prejudices and saw how easy it was for her to alienate and brutalise individuals while keep communities full off hate turned in on themselves. All prejudices were used off course but gender was her forte, gender was the easiest and made her smile that way the most and thats how we knew it was the worst. Gender was our worst enemy.

We told Rebecca what we could about we knew and what we believed. The activities carried out in the institute exposed us to a lot of different believes and pratices and to a child mind that is either in cage or overworked and needs to escape through the mind and imagination the pickings were rich. We told her how we didnt like people saying male and female were like yin and yang. We said we felt there was a kind of yin yang within being a girl though that we had made and partly found through hushed conversations and gesticulations in the corners of the labs or  equivalents with female ninjas and other cultures within cultures where all the real treasures are found.

The girlyness, the vulnerability, the sensuality is a right a divine duty even but it comes with a equally divine duty to be able to protect that vulnerability yourself from and others as much you can from the sexual violence and exploitation that will enslave all our children of all genitalia from worldwide misogynist cultures and practices.

We were girls that had no option. We would physically want to withdraw from girls who were "feminine" but couldn't defend themselves with deadly force and in a fuck up way we are lucky because when we are out and when are fighting get out we experience self knowledge and "freedom" in ways people who are happy to stay plunked on either side of a dividing line.

 It was roomier and more comfortable though so when there was heaps of good soldiers there with the three of us it fantastic. Trips to get supplies was hour drive in car to a town instead of expeditions that had to be well planned or friendly raids on nearby farmers and all the complications that could entail and "nearby" meant you could walk there and back in a day, maybe two..

One year we the three of us and some soldiers took the good year from the one on the estate up to mine. One of the soldiers was so fucking reluctant, another quietly so. We thought the vocal one wouldn't be impressed but he loved it, especially the setting and later when we showed him .. the communications hub.. We saw the quiet one smiling at the door security and he smiled even wider when we showed him the rest. We had had our doubts about them but both Louise and Rebecca had been so right and had to tell them how right they were about lads being proper soldiers.

Jacqui would ask us the names of the soldiers if we told stories like that. We would laugh and definitely said at least and probably more than worse,

"Jacqui you keep shutting us down and then asking questions we can only answer when all opened up." and sometimes "your obviously an abuser I'm hardly going to tell you name of my soldiers now am I?" And words to that affect in assorted accents, languages and registers..

OMG. the comedy names that we had worked with the lads to put in us as answers for when evil motherfuckers had us subconscious and terrified and were trying to extract their specifics was highly amusing and quiet rude in most cases or though some were more cerebral and the "joke" took a little longer to settle. We laughed pretty loud in that session but when walked away to the bus stop afterwards enough of us had got it that we couldn't not know any more and walls were crumbling all over the place.

He knew about Rebecca.

Rebecca as in Rebecca The Soldier.

We got better doors put in the unsafe and she had time to herself she had never had before and we almost regretted getting them put because of the hell bent sees everything look she started getting.

You cant keep yourself human "see everything". Its to much but when you know enough to know how important everything is its so hard to let yourself not see. She made decisions. She had ways of not looking back afterwards that we will always be deeply envious of.

Early to mid nineties when they gave her total facial reconstruction to resemble Louise.

If you loved someone would you be forcing them to survive that?

When we said it might be possible to get surgery back again we could see in her eyes she didnt want it. She was on rails.

Anything been done about "The Dream Team and all that" yet?

Rebecca. Rebecca.

Both horribly dissociating and grounding to say her name.


May 20, 2016

You count them mate, everyone else gave up on that a long time ago.

Got some beer this evening. Parenting feels at about the level it was this time last year. Maybe not quite that not well but of course we are struggling. There wasnt that many more horrendous trips to Dundee after May last year. A few. Jacqui asking us how we made it go dark, what the loud bangs were and who we talked to in between pretending to be a caring therapist and standard practice triggering.

She couldnt of lived and loved they way she did knowing this is it. Forever, with our worse fears for each other coming true and staying true year after year after year.. No one talking to either of us. The rapists getting what they what from us and us knowing who they were and how to stop them is people would just talk to us. I told her she could go in August 14. She needed it much, much before but we couldnt give it to her, we werent ready to give up yet but we couldnt see how we could hope without her. We would promise her if it didnt get any better we would. We saw though. Even when we were tiny little she was fighting from a place with nothing to loose. She had seen too much good things in her self and others destroyed. Her hope was death. she couldnt believe there was any other way out and we couldn't convince her otherwise. It didnt make us feel free thinking she or us would die as slaves in our thirties. It had the exact opposite effect on us.

 There's the kids. Like she said. Seeing all of both our work and sacrifice and hope would go to nothing anything and she would be taken away by porn industry and the music industry would keep us with the Johnston's and the rest of the media scum and the police would secure it again..

And everything would be too little too late, again. And our kids would be pulled of us both, again. We would be bullshited to by people who obviously had safer and nicer lives than ourselves, again.

There was no way we could beg her to stay. Again.

She was so happy. Like she was when we were kids. 

May 19, 2016

and the reason for the incest reveals itself..

I don't know what else to say. I know you just want us to keep writing anything even if its nonsense so you will know we are in here somewhere.

Neither of survived what they turned our brothers into when we were still tiny but I was younger so it didnt finish me off like it did Louise and it was a thing from then on we were determined to survive. The torture of me and Louise to figure where me and Louise where. The more we said it was us the more they hated us. So much was destroyed and couldnt happen because of it.

It never stopped. They terrified Pablo telling him to stop protecting me and tell them what he knew about where I was when I was standing right there. We lost a lot of girls who would be working shifts to make it look like me and Louise were somewhere we weren't so we could try and figure out some safety.  When they brought us out to show them us during the worse times they weren't interested in trying to help us or listening to anything said because they didnt believe it was us. It broke Dads, ours and everyone's heart over and over.

After a few years of that I had nothing to say to them except "I'm not your sister." And they started hitting on us for real. Their DID is worse is mine..

They have them all wrapped up in all sorts and we couldnt get close enough to them for long enough to find out how much they knew about what they were involved with and how much hurt they were causing. We got the impression that by the time they had been adults for a while they didnt care and were just saying their lines and going through the motions. The rings were successful in a lot of ways. We couldnt think about having consensual sex in Dundee without looking around the room knowing it was all covered and knowing my played and also victimised "brothers" wouldn't like it..Or would like it..

There isnt any contact with anyone know so there isnt any wonderings about consensual sex that would or wouldnt trigger stuff to give us signs that would help us know how private and/or safe we were.

Of course we learned we had other brothers, brothers who hadnt had what mother did to the others done to them. Ones who could remember us and respected us even if they didnt.

The way Louise would cry at the times when every bit of hope we worked so hard for was being destroyed with the help of other kids we loved and wanting nothing but goodness for.. And we could feel the agents or whatever in the woods loving it, it was dead with my brothers and Louise wasnt going to make it and everyone else was being picked off. Good agents came in and hugged us when either of us cried like that.

Once they grabbed us down on River Side and he says "No intention." when told to not let us go. The way he said it..We just breathed and knew they would be gone again soon.

did anyone tell Metallica?

We didn't feel like we needed any help with the sessions with Jacqui after when she started talking about Louise being dead and wanting us to talk about it. We laughed at her. We were fucking glad in many ways and old her so that she was trying to trigger us and her and others we asking questions we had no intention of hearing never mind actually fucking answering because they pushed it all that bit further back when we couldn't of alone.

We were family to each other at times no one else could find us. She was my mother and my sister and my best friend. We hope it wasn't a slaver that got to Margo first in our mind we managed to get someone friendly there and to tell her straight away because they wouldnt be able to stay for long and to not abadon her straight after. We saw him and he was visabley shaken at how physically devastated Margo was when he showed her shots of me with Louise. Finally. It had clicked with him. If he hadnt been the person who had wouldnt of done any comforting any possibly would of raped her straight after showing her. Or during even.

We weren't up for looking her in worse after. We know we told her to put something down with the lawyer is she felt up to it. Just for herself. Her life her words. Dont know if she did or not. On top of everything else they had took Laura and now Louise and that left her with Lynne .. and I didnt want see that in her. There was no doubt she was dying now. And the thought of Lynne, Bill, Deek and Nathan her brother Bill and her mum and the state the kids are in were her the last experiences of family something she did genuinely value, certainly compared to those 'adults' was making us physically sick to.

What the fuck could we giver her?

I don't want to go back to Elton John's

But he never wanted any child staying there. You could see it in his eyes when took orders and when he drove afterwards. We saw him trying to shift that look before he talked to any kid but we felt he tried even harder for us and Louise.

"Try and write as much as you can."

Not because they needed the information about where our head is as at although they do but because they knew we were very close when we were little and we have no other way to process this.

"Once you get past this next year ..  and I know you have heard this your whole life.. I know you both heard this.." He was trying reach us and wasn't completely failing.

Incubus when brought in to see her and sat with us and Louise for a while. We were told to sing and started trying to sing "Wish you were here" but no one manage more than a line or a two a most without breaking.

Except Ian Watkins he sang it astoundingly.  Like we have always said. He's the male Louise.

We could see and feel and hear everyone breaking as they were brought in or found out. Lower level sick fucks put their hands in the air and showed their commitment to evil bullshit by blaming us and many were dead before they hit the street. We woke up and moved off for a bit. Slow motion. It was a good thing we were already exhausted or we wouldn't of stopped we caught some program of mothers saying but we knew that of course if we hadn't been so exhausted she would still be alive.

Just the two of us out in the hills and the Glens in the moonlight. Realising we were out of evil fucker eye range. That there was no hurry. That it wasnt to cold and we had supplies. And it was just us (And the guys telling us were safe and that it was just us).

The best.

"Please. Please. If you can. You have to write that I can't get to Jon Stewart to tell him (words referring to Louise's death that wasn't heard buy us all we had the parts that we had to keep out of this busy)..and how impossible it's been for anyone of you to tell him any fucking thing about either you or Louise or anything else the whole fucking time.."

We pulled ourself back to the present time and place as best we could. It wasn't pretty we were standing in a street in Dundee on a phone with a bunch of goons we didnt like the look of nearby. Gunfire, corpses and people running around, screaming and shouting and Louise had just died.

"Ok you rat faced fucker we will see what we can do."

 He sounded relieved.

We got of the phone shortly after that and seeing it wasnt ours handed it back to the goons before dispatching all but one of the goons and watched him run off so he could tell whatever fascist tolerant crew he was from what had happened but he didnt make it. Some local prick took him out.. then I think something else took him out..and someone walked up and said something.

May 18, 2016


Bed with red wine, weed and chocolate. Louise would approve. We need the nutrition. It's where we are at. The first few hours at least usually gives a break in particularly bad weepiness and irritability.  

We were found in states together sometimes that they wouldnt want to separate. We were literally finishing each others sentences and knew what each other were feeling. She understood better than we did that we had work to do that would seperate us sometimes and once we were separate every self obsessed sadist handler controlled greedy rapist and every intentionally ignorant evil cunt across the world were clamouring to get in between us and that was when we were little kids, never mind decades past puberty.

She was an unbelievable learner, confidence only thing that stood in her way. We would make out we were helping her way more than we were because as long she thought we were in control she was amazing. She had to keep quiet on so much though we all did. 

We were in partial disbelief at the public displays of grief. Not that they weren't necessarily genuine just that it was like they had repeatedly picked something up and threw it against a wall, watched other people throw it against a wall and now were genuinely shocked that she broke. 

Did Morag McMaster die to? Please say yes. For being an abuser on the scene and had been involved in hurting Louise and me really badly like we had been saying for twenty years? Fucking hope so. Nathan didn't. And its one of those will always hate ourself a little bit for that. For the bairns. There's no safety for them. And for Louise who was such a whore she gave him essential care when he was a baby. There is no greater transgression..  

Trevor showed up via a rapist gate which was promptly closed so he was taken off in a nice comfy car by fascist spooks because he may well of died to if he had stayed on the scene he was used to set up when Louise was still lying cold.

Christ we were glad we had already done the switch with our dad. She was right about that to. If he had actually physically left us there in that at that time it might of been a bit irreparable. 

In the office a guy burst in freaking about unidentified sorties heading in this direction. We said they werent unidentified and werent coming to where we were the were mine and going to Mother's. After some confused noises from the junior staff dude and some silence from everyone else we all ran up to the roof to watch. 

We were a mess and handed the glasses over as soon as got visual confirmation that yep that was Mother's long term, repeatability rebuilt, centre of operations, institute of torture being bombed from close range by our planes. She was already dead. We knew that and with everything else there was no way that was being rebuilt. Then had to lie down. Just on the concrete and stones on the roof there as the smoke trailed and the noise was audible but too far away to be intrusive. Think the sky was verging on baby blue to power blue that day, a couple of clouds here and there. We spent a lot of time watching little cracks of that sky. The rest were on chairs that someone had had the fore thought to ask someone else to put up there. Smiling, wearing shades and holding each other.

We spotted the troopers watching as well below and there was a patch of mutual hooting and hollering between us on the roof of the boys on the ground.

Before they left the sorties hang over us on the roof. Three. Two bombers. Fighter for back up that was utterly unneeded as we thought but she looks lovely and the pilot needed the flying hours. We were kinda surprised to see most the dudes on chairs all watching us and not looking at what was above them. One guy was though. 


"I know."

No one else seemed to care.. They were still smiling at us on the ground.