Showing posts from May, 2016

the things that stop you dreaming..

Don't wanna write. Don't fancy running over hot coals to try and find some TV distraction.  It's a shame we dont use that room more. Found the canvas picture that just needs its frame screwed together and we could pin it and get it hung. We are not going to be decorating the big room but hanging a picture of a line of zebras with multi coloured butts would definitely cheer the room up.

I hate this. I know you we hate it but we wanted to tell you anyway. When the diazepam left our system the "this is your life forever" feelings just start clicking back into place. Its hardly a wonder drug, it didnt stop us weeping or wanting to weep before it knocked us out last night but today when we were walking Pabs home from school instead of everything he says triggering us to unmanageable levels we could just chat.

It would be so nice to have that dose once a week or even every month. To know that at least every now and again we would have enough anti anxiety there so we c…

Oh brother..

Well the every second eight week prescription of diazepam has been filled. Picked it up around 2:30. We haven't taken eight since then and we arnt feeling that much better. There is fuck all point in trying to make the last, taking the whole "two months worth" at once would add up a whole 28mg.. The human sized rat water bottles they put in our cages if we were lucky to get any water all at probably had double that.

Sleepy and bit better though, couple of beers to. We have eaten food, wahey. Always helps, we really want to eat our feelings. Especially all the John Oliver stuff.  Coming round to him programming and threatening terrified isolated littles with all sorts in the flat. Seeing him looking down on us side by side with lots of others from lots of different rings in many different places over the decades.

.He was cloaked but we knew we was around. We could feel a plunging of our mood and parts dissociating and then remembered the kind of things and the people who…

No. I'll never stop crying.

We did very well to put it of this long. It's a bastard attachment issue. A zero to three bastard attachment issue. We were dissociated bad. Brand new part bad. New toddler that couldnt remember anything about Grandad or anything. She knew pain and horrific adults then she was put in a cage with an older boy who we came to know as Ollie. He was so nice to us sometimes and not at all other times. He mostly did what he was told and we already knew that they told kids to pretend to stand up to them to try and get us to trust them. Sometimes he wouldnt let us sleep and would tell us we had to stay awake. One of the other girls said he was bad and we said he wasnt but we also didn't think any us in there were "good" but didnt have the words for that yet.

He was given the task of keeping us as this new slightly younger than I actually was part from remembering about before. They especially didnt want me remembering my granddad. It broke our heart when we had gotten a bit …

Sorry mum that's my boss I need to go speak to him.

Ah well. It's what I'm fighting isn't it? The system of slavery. The manipulation of attachment needs that enables it.

It's why we had a "not engaged party" we were not fucking engaged. Christ cant I go back think I'm in love/married to/waiting for my pimping brothers.. Maybe he's a pimping brother to! Can't wait to get there. Really. This is awful. It's all crap. Every relationship we thought we built out of that fucking compound. They are all programmed, groomed and handled. They never saw us. Every promise was the them repeating what pure evil wanted them to say. It's like we told Jacqui. When the sex is that orgasmic to a DIDer it's as likely to be caused be massive denial as by the opposite. Brain isn't gonna let you know what is really going on here. It's not an idiot.

Paying Dr O'Maly.

John Oliver. Your a cunt.

We are attempting to balance it with Tuscany before Palermo.

It came first actually. Raised us up high eno…

How my finger tips were burned.

They weren't blistered. Just a bit sore and hot over the rest of day and the next. A physical reminder to a mind that was being pushed to forget everything.

I think it was Jessie and not Noah we were talking to. We were pissed of with him but not enough to not talk to him. We knew there would be someone showing up that day pretending to be him and the impact of whatever the brobot would say and attempt to do to us would be a lot less if we didnt speak to him at all.

We felt it before we saw it. One of our ships in that had been in fascist hands for years. We half dropped, half chucked the phone to some well else. We built them to very sensitive to our commands and we were on top of it had the lid opening pretty quickly. We felt very ill at looking him in the cockpit of own of our babies. He struggled briefly, screamed "mum" then his neck was broken and we dropped him back in the cock pit, put in his limbs and told her to close.

We jumped back down. She needed a verbal c…

Grandad's Girl.

It's Hendrix. We keep Nelson as a middle name. I'm my grandad's.

Very few people are cut out and supported enough to survive the compounds. He's not that kind of fighter. It's been tough. Really tough. The way it was set up so that when we wanted to see and talk to him again we would find him with industry rapists or with other girls that were being trained to pretend they were me.

There was surgery. We were told in the Glen I think, on that patch of track that went behind Logiebank that where we know a few meetings happened. We were so fucking relieved we wept. Think we said that if he was just telling us to make us feel better we would totally forgive him because we needed to here that some much. The guy didnt like that and asked when he had every lied to him. He was certain.

We agreed and said we probably already knew. That they had probably done it in front of us. Probably so because of what happened to us whenever we wondered if they had. He knew us and spoke…

You tore us apart with all things you wont know.

That nasty come down or recently traumatised messed up brain chemistry feelings wont shift. Trying not to think of Trevor Noah. And the phone call instructing us not to tell him who Pablo River Stuart was. When he asked on some video call via equipment that wasn't ours we felt the same as we did when the other prick told us what to do only stronger, how the hell were we talking to him if he didnt know who PRS is?

 We told him that, we were freaking and we saw him look of cam to someone for advice on what to say next we said "Cut" and shut it down. The device "vanished". We know the deal when our memories are chopped up and the blank patches are very blank - we are being kept unconscious lots, and the DID seriously worked along side the women pretending to be us. Very poorly.

Was the same when someone said our grandad was dead. Like we were immediately going to try and contact him to find out if it was true?? Still though it was years before that set of us coul…

Beyonce in Dundee..

starring in torture tapes with assorted victims filmed on location with Fintry's best loved sex offender Elaine Smith!!

Cant remember exactly what had been going on or how long it had been going on but we were really ill and in agony, couldn't think. As well as Pabs location they were trying to get info and control events on now, May 2016. From us. Back then. Sitting on the floor near the door to Pabs room though we were coming round enough to know where we were and to remember we were sitting where Francis's body was, with Beyonce standing where Ann, or was it Sam? was. That helped.

Once folk got us to a better place internally after that one of the first things was Pablo had to be out the country and stay out the country and it was probably going to be necessary a times to keep him moving and we must not under any circumstances be told where he is.

Can't remember how much Beyonce and company paid for a search and destroy operation on six year old Pablo River Stuart.…

"So what was it? A ship or a plane?"


Got really sore, weepy, irritable, little for most of rest of day. Was very proud of our self for sticking on the oven and putting together chips and scrambled egg with beans and salsa for us. Just too fucking sore. Dont particularly want to write about the kinds of causes we are sharing within ourself. We dont mind saying that in the moments before Rebecca dropped permanently we were standing very close to her. We told those there that it was Rebecca but to say it was Louise. Remember seeing someone tell a uniform it was Rebecca but he was outnumber and talking to someone that was friendly enough to either already know or not give a fuck. Then we saw by the awkward questions about how he knew that, what he was doing there and where I was before standing close to Rebecca before she dropped.

He was floundering and said I saw us being raped on the other side of the street, we said we didnt we had been raped that afternoon but we had been hurt and it had been attempted.…

Can't we just get algorithms to do like all of it..

How much of all this getting the Man to try persuade/force us depending on the day and time of day to work within him against Mother is something else trying to get us to work with Mother against him? Well it was going to work a bit because if we didnt we were almost certainly going to die. She's not that  brain dead dead or absent enough yet to dont be enraged by men not recognising her potential and trying to undermine her. The more power they take from her and give to him they are making it more obvious that they have been playing her the whole time and as much as she pulls that whole "It's what people do" thing they are they closest she has ever had to her own people and she does go in for personal vengeance from time to time.

It reeks of pure evil lost it a long time ago Zionism. Maybe a little to much..
.. Bet its the Brits. It always the fucking Brits. Doesnt matter what colour they are or what language they are speaking we recognise those "styles of po…

Cake, cake, cake!

"I don't believe you will ever have a timeline and certainly don't think is something any of your parts are anywhere near even partially."

Our eyes went saucer like, eye brows all the place. So she added, while putting her head to side and trying to seem genuine. "I can only go what I've seen of course."

(are you SURE she isnt on our side? (Yes we are))

We played split. The cold hard confident then head down, glazed eyes and nodding in agreement.

How could she buy this? She obviously saw the look on us when she looked like she had pushed us back we werent trying hard. From what we had seen in sessions and out she and her people had no clue about anything. How could that be?

Then it another level. Most of this was supposed to be repeats, revisions, triggerings of shit with Mother and others. Sessions that often didnt go how she thought it went when it was ongoing and her memory and parts where arranged and controlled afterwards so she didnt even remembe…

Is Beyonce your Gabriel Daddy?

He nodded and wept. Gabe was years and years away. I was not long verbal.

See you face in the mirror a tiny bit again. Easier now its had the sun on it. Not as much as we see Lynne, Laura, Bill though and hear the name Louise so loud when we look at us. Sometimes are worse than others. Don't think we have managed to look at ourself and think "Rose" much but we will..
Remember how much they were determined to keep us out the sun. How much we hated total block?  They were either keeping us out the sun and coating us in that shit or painting us dark and telling us not to smug it or scratch the wig too much. Non of it made any sense. We thought it was about being outside and how that made us feel better and didn't get the need for the block. Pretty much everyone non white skinned and human said was more to it than keeping us out the sun because we liked it. Some of us were slow for it to click

We are struggling to give much of a physical description for mother. White Fa…

Bring me the girls

Everyone would shrink even further into the shadows of their cages. It didn't usually include us we were too disruptive but she would go through phases of trying to get us to submit and join in "like any other girl" and then when that still wasnt working out "like any other boy". We played a long for a bit hoping to get to understand our brothers and what was happening to them. We saw. And we were prepared for their faces when we started disrupting. Well most of them anyway. Little James looked so happy we were totally distracted for a moment.

When we heard the girls going or being taken to her we would sometime snob quietly in our cage not just for the girls but because we knew she was programming, training and conditioning them to torture us and lie about it. Sometimes we would scream and start battering the bars or the wires of the cages in the hope the distraction the girls would run or fight but they didnt so we stopped that. Sam did seem to begin with li…

I should of never told them they were beautiful

How could help them rape and control and Pablo Jess? How could you not know that was what you are doing?

Very sorry to inconvenience you being present in my own flesh Jess.

Jess wake up..

They have just found someone who looks like him. We know they do that. But it wouldnt be so convincing if he wasnt at least working with them. How can this still be going on I thought he was working with us to stop this. How can this still be going on when she and her base are closest people are gone? Whatever it is we have to fight it because its killing us. No Jacqui its not going to be permanently too much for us because its our brothers and we are so little. If it is him. Even if you did get them all and manage to keep a hold of them without Mother..

Someone dragged him in when more of the network was done. We didnt want to see him we knew exactly how he would be weeping and saying sorry and saying he didnt know. We could tell by the way he was dragged out again that it was about keeping Jess un…

We're all fucked without the dreamers Sir.

Francis Grieve, Ann Maclain, Samantha Thorpe.

Not that they used those I.D.s much but those were their "school names"

It's not at Im confident of this so I'm putting it down it's a jesus did that happen? and if it did we want to not be pussy footy around it any longer.

In the flat. In the middle of the night. Together and uninvited. Pablo sleeping.

They weren't there to be friends with us.

We needed feel on our own with all, we had been talking and they had heard us and shared back but more importantly they armed us.

Two each.

Shouted to Pabs to stay in bed and not move but didnt go in his room until we reloaded in our bedroom. Hands shaking a bit. The relief at what would of happened not happening. The fucking horribleness of it all. How its impossible to regret whilst wanting so much for it to happen. Same as ever. Phone calls came first. Whatever mind, whatever heart in those women was long gone. Surgically in some cases and all the ways of course.

It was…

It was Rebecca.

"Dont say my name. Give it a year."

So hard.

How do you not say the name of a dead family member and loved one lying on the street?

Like a lot of really difficult things. If you had to do it as a kid there is more chance you can pull it off as a big girl. Devastation either way anyway.

Temporary glued in hair rips out a lot easier than stuff that grew there. We really hoped one of Louise's slipped in there just to fuck with someone but we weren't sure if that was just that desire to destroy everything and everyone talking. Nothing I could do about then anyway.

People would know and say were mostly the same people who dont want going near anywhere near anyone we even vaguely liked living or dead nevermind Rebecca.

People who weren't scum wouldn't be there if they weren't extremely good at reading people and situations and us in situations of extreme stress.

I think we called it Louise's Bunker originally but that was changed to Rebecca's and that …

You count them mate, everyone else gave up on that a long time ago.

Got some beer this evening. Parenting feels at about the level it was this time last year. Maybe not quite that not well but of course we are struggling. There wasnt that many more horrendous trips to Dundee after May last year. A few. Jacqui asking us how we made it go dark, what the loud bangs were and who we talked to in between pretending to be a caring therapist and standard practice triggering.

She couldnt of lived and loved they way she did knowing this is it. Forever, with our worse fears for each other coming true and staying true year after year after year.. No one talking to either of us. The rapists getting what they what from us and us knowing who they were and how to stop them is people would just talk to us. I told her she could go in August 14. She needed it much, much before but we couldnt give it to her, we werent ready to give up yet but we couldnt see how we could hope without her. We would promise her if it didnt get any better we would. We saw though. Even when …

and the reason for the incest reveals itself..

I don't know what else to say. I know you just want us to keep writing anything even if its nonsense so you will know we are in here somewhere.

Neither of survived what they turned our brothers into when we were still tiny but I was younger so it didnt finish me off like it did Louise and it was a thing from then on we were determined to survive. The torture of me and Louise to figure where me and Louise where. The more we said it was us the more they hated us. So much was destroyed and couldnt happen because of it.

It never stopped. They terrified Pablo telling him to stop protecting me and tell them what he knew about where I was when I was standing right there. We lost a lot of girls who would be working shifts to make it look like me and Louise were somewhere we weren't so we could try and figure out some safety.  When they brought us out to show them us during the worse times they weren't interested in trying to help us or listening to anything said because they didn…

did anyone tell Metallica?

We didn't feel like we needed any help with the sessions with Jacqui after when she started talking about Louise being dead and wanting us to talk about it. We laughed at her. We were fucking glad in many ways and old her so that she was trying to trigger us and her and others we asking questions we had no intention of hearing never mind actually fucking answering because they pushed it all that bit further back when we couldn't of alone.

We were family to each other at times no one else could find us. She was my mother and my sister and my best friend. We hope it wasn't a slaver that got to Margo first in our mind we managed to get someone friendly there and to tell her straight away because they wouldnt be able to stay for long and to not abadon her straight after. We saw him and he was visabley shaken at how physically devastated Margo was when he showed her shots of me with Louise. Finally. It had clicked with him. If he hadnt been the person who had wouldnt of done a…

I don't want to go back to Elton John's

But he never wanted any child staying there. You could see it in his eyes when took orders and when he drove afterwards. We saw him trying to shift that look before he talked to any kid but we felt he tried even harder for us and Louise.

"Try and write as much as you can."

Not because they needed the information about where our head is as at although they do but because they knew we were very close when we were little and we have no other way to process this.

"Once you get past this next year ..  and I know you have heard this your whole life.. I know you both heard this.." He was trying reach us and wasn't completely failing.

Incubus when brought in to see her and sat with us and Louise for a while. We were told to sing and started trying to sing "Wish you were here" but no one manage more than a line or a two a most without breaking.

Except Ian Watkins he sang it astoundingly.  Like we have always said. He's the male Louise.

We could see and fe…


Bed with red wine, weed and chocolate. Louise would approve. We need the nutrition. It's where we are at. The first few hours at least usually gives a break in particularly bad weepiness and irritability.  
We were found in states together sometimes that they wouldnt want to separate. We were literally finishing each others sentences and knew what each other were feeling. She understood better than we did that we had work to do that would seperate us sometimes and once we were separate every self obsessed sadist handler controlled greedy rapist and every intentionally ignorant evil cunt across the world were clamouring to get in between us and that was when we were little kids, never mind decades past puberty.
She was an unbelievable learner, confidence only thing that stood in her way. We would make out we were helping her way more than we were because as long she thought we were in control she was amazing. She had to keep quiet on so much though we all did. 
We were in partial …