..dear reader..

In the late 80's early 90's whenever I saw Saddam Hussein or Gaddafi on TV my first thought was always, I know him, he can't be that bad he was nice to me'. I remember big round tables with Baath party members, rape and torture from their sons, gold taps and serious levels of opulence. The casual disregard for life that I was already familiar with although it wasn't used to it being so public and in the open. Bloody hell I would think if this is what they are 'publicly' what the fuck is the Satanism going to be like? There generally wasn't any. In my memory the responses of middle eastern dictators to ritual abuse was extremely refreshing, they weren't fazed much. They thought it was all fucking mental, Gaddafi, Saddam, indignant in response to the inhumanity, the basic anti social nature of Satanism. I had to laugh. They reminded me of my Scottish Grandads sometimes. Of course the vast majority of contact was over the phone and you never r...

Saturday morning bliss. The thick socks I bought myself for xmas, supplies in. Brew made and junior (bless every perfect aspect and direction in his precious body and gentle and lionlike soul) is elsewhere. Wrote about murder, not of a baby or child. Someone who was registered. With family, with history. I dont feel much in the way of fear or regret about it, I'm sure it will come though. I just feel a little bit more like a human being, a little more like I am part of my own body and mind more than my past. I was imagining I was trying to explain something to someone in a pub. When I didn't have the luxery of not being to remember. When I had to give people answers. Not because I was tortured into it but people needed answers. They needed alternative explanations about all the shit that was going on had gone on the wasn't based on manipulating them to an agenda that did not and would never have their best interests as a priority. Even if most of the time a...

Doing a bit of general research on the new med risperidone, very general. My brain has enough conspiracy theories and reality backed paranoias to ever spend much time messin about on the web. Quite impressed with myself for eventulay going for it, I even have one of those pill boxes with a space for each day of the week but I'm drawing the line at the ones with spaces for morn,noon, and night though. I have a lifestyle that makes medications a real option. I have enough stability to make me confident I play the active roll thats essential if any kind of treament is going to have positive effects. They are not mind readers, they have no idea what its like to be me. Enough health care professional over the years have admited very openly how much individuals and systems have failed me for me to have some sort of trust. They are not all organised against me, but a couple of them were involved in abuse and it would be delusional of me to think otherwise. Another delusion lifted ...