April 18, 2013

400th post..

We were doing work on the naked truth - short story she called it.  Story asks the naked truth why she is crying, she says people keep inviting her in then kick her out again, Story says she needs to be dressed in order to be accepted, so her light doesn't blind them and so they have time to except her pain without being overcome (our telling, not the drama therapist's).  It used to bounce about the brain a lot as a child, very timely to come back to it now.

That psych apparently mentioned, 'False Memory Syndrome' to my DID therapist.  Nice rigorous empirical approach then...  She has sent him some material.  I'm wary of these psych investigations that he's got lined up but I've already got the safe place and started the treatment for the disassociations and all the different parts so there is no desperate need to be begging NHS mental health services for help, takes the pressure off a bit.  Like abusers and dodgy police the worst mental health professional have a hormonal response when they come in contact to vulnerable people, they can't help exploiting their position to negatively impact someone else because it gratifies a need to regularly inflate their egos.  When they are not triggered by the needs of people who it is their job to help, predatory mental health professionals appear to be good at their jobs and easy to get on with.  Now that I don't need anything to survive from whoever is going to be preforming these tests on me on us is much more likely to be charming and considerate.  The impact their diagnosis or lack of them on 'ongoing police investigations into living people' is out of my control, the DID is proof to me that I have done all I can for now.  Right now it's all about fully integrating myselfs with the knowledge that it's DID and not a Satanic spell, demon possession, evil twin, ghost of an unregistered child, all made up by my family, some super soldier ultra elite programming that can't be challenged and if I did a nuclear holocaust when ensue or just 'the drugs'.

The only way there is going to be better a understanding of the existence of organised and severe child abuse and its long term psychological impact on victims any where is if survivors engage with the existing systems. Of course its fucking hard.  It's the same systems that promoted and trusted our abusers and protected their activities but none of the bullshit is going to be challenged by survivors bursting into tears and hiding under they duvet to cry then permanently refusing to further engage every time a doctor, nurse, charity worker, police says something bloody stupid.  For us, unraveling the DID is much more important right now and most helpful to everyone rather than making calls to the police that aren't returned or scouring twitter for abuser names and seeing what pops up to give a mental and emotional kicking.

Chest pains recently have been helping put things into perspective recently as well, so loading myself with ginger and garlic and feeling a lot more philosophical.  I know smoking nicotine regularly for years is a pretty nasty thing to do to yourself.  It was insisted on by some pimps especially in early to mid teens because it shows a girl abuses her body or something, they didn't do anything that wasn't nasty.  Keeps you feeling ill, gets the body used to be being addicted to something.  So in some sort of attempt at self care I went to buy myself a pipe to try and wean myself off the baccy.  I came home with what is definitely a crack pipe, although it did not occur to me at the time.  I am very aware of the reason for buying it at time, I like the option of the wee hole in which pull in cold air along with scorching hot cannabis but this is a proper glass like you see on the movies, crack pipe. I bought gauze too though, it was a nightmare cutting a piece small enough to fit in the tiny hole at bottom of the bowl.  I've used it a couple of times, I haven't smoked anything out of a pipe in years but I remember it takes a while to get into.  I got sore lungs and felt all beautiful and yoga meish afterwards and not like a crack whore.  It's a bit fucked up having the frigging around though.  Amusing to some parts also though. Like keeping and using something from a slayed enemy. So many walls to breakthrough before I can deal with the fag smoking, so much murky family shit and teenage issues. I am trying to start to properly deal with it, I guess...?

I'm not buying any weed next week though.  I buying a cheap tablet so we can bitch about whatevers on the telly to twitter, play games in bed, buy e books.  Were all very excited.


April 11, 2013


I feel like I should write something.  Its not easy for me to engage in anything, probably because there isn't really such as thing as 'me', there is just programmed personalities, victim mentalities and a sense that sharing is essential if I'm ever to escape the constant depression and the belief that the truth is irrelevant.  Had an appointment with the psych today without the psychiatric nurse that openly scoffs at my disclouser of abuse by djs involved in child pornography.  When that same nurse walked into the room in refuge the first time, I was a bit sickened, nothing specific memory wise, just the knowledge that her face was very familiar.  I lived in this same town as a child for a little while, my parents went to Uni here so I'm not assuming anything, I can't when whoever knows her is saying nothing but I wasn't remotely surprised by her reactions. Anyway, pysch has referred me for an EEG (could be wrong initials there) and to some kind of psychologist.  He also talked about an IQ test, I told him my child therapist said my IQ was very high but I didn't think it was as high now.  He isn't happy at all with my notes and pretty much said there was nothing of any use in them and that the investigations he is starting now should of happened a long time ago.  I tried to suggest that notes can go missing but he wasn't having any of it.  I didn't say anything about people I talked to in the past being at very serious risk of threats or attacks.

It was amusing listen to him talk about what the police were like when the came to talk to him before I made the statement, the words 'intimidating' and 'bully' were used to describe how the police talked to him, so its not just those that try to report being victimised that are talked to like that.  Apparently he wasn't having any of that either and said he told them to do their jobs, investigate and let him get on with his.  He asked me to be patient with him.  I told him I didn't feel suicidal after our appointments like I have with others, he said thanks.  

 I can't see how I will ever feel close to an adult or be comfortable and confident enough for any job not to feel like anything other than allowing myself to be exploited but schools are back next week so drama and DID work can continue   Its all bastard hard by the way, I hate not feeling like a proper person, so fragmented, so used.  My therapist isn't Sinason by the way, as anyone who has taken much of an interest in this blog will now and I've probably already clearly stated.  I find it hard to read other blogs or forums much to much focus on 'facts' and not enough on reality but was reading some of the comments from Jimmy Jones blog today written months ago before the paedobritain fall out.  As someone commented I'm in Scotland, Sinason isnt.  We have corresponded over email a couple of times but that's all.  My therapist has worked with DID before but not ritual abuse although she was aware of it and is doing lots of research since we started seeing her.

As for the whole 'recovered' memories backlash, I've no time for.  Do people really think that children can experience horrific abuse from people who are supposed to love and protect and then just walk around with all the memories of it in the heads, living with the abusers, hearing constantly from all angles that families are good and safe.  Shell shock was accepted during WWI for fucks sake.  But of course there are plenty of witnesses, documents and records of the realities of trench warfare, not so with child abuse.  I see fucked up shrinks who suggest memories of abuse that are then believed by vulnerable clients as being a bit like false rape claims, very rare and used as an excuse to not deal with the real issues.

Been reading Amongst Ourselves  by Alderman and Marshall, its a bit old now and a self help book so is a bit cheesy and simplistic at times but that is pretty much what I was after.  I get jealous sometimes when I read about the way other peoples switches are so obvious and weren't put through the kind of mind control tortures that are used to stop some ritual abuse victims from presenting too many DID symptoms too often.  Everything, everyone in me is pushed so far down it feels like an impossible task to really remember who I am and where we've been but it not like I have anything else to do.  I would need to take drugs, surround myself with violence or find someone who has known us and would talk openly for that kind of access.  Caught myself half willing nuclear war so that maybe all the super solider training and experiments would kick in, I'd know and maybe have a job again.

Did dream about rapid unsubtle switching last night after reading and about being in the dark.  Woke up well anxious and exhausted, haven't had that for a while.  Psych often says trying to find out what is going on with me is like working in the dark, it makes me smirk a bit that he thinks that if he puts in a bit of work its all going to become crystal clear.  Give him his due though he hasn't written me off as a fantasist or thinks the best way to keep to help is to encourage me to never talk about any of it and feels about my notes the same way I do.