June 21, 2017

Wednesday morning

If it was sunny it might of pulled us out quite early today. We have small perennials to evict from the only planter that would fit the willow obelisk which arrived yesterday and is fucking stunning. The clematis does need out its little pot, it was the strongest of the three when they arrived but as its the pink one and the other two are white and purple and the pots they were yellow and purple of course we the pink had to wait for the willow round pyramid.. We had spending issues last week.. We are quite good at filling our basket and then cutting it right back but there is 3 metal silhouettes of fairies on sticks and ... da da daa da da dah! a fucking washing line pole that we have needed pretty much since we have got here. There was a half broken one for a while but that was stood on like two years ago.. We have literally having to limbo and dance around clean washing whilst covered in mud and cat poop. Not clever..

Looks like the obelisk is gonna perfectly fit that planter. It's quite exciting. Hope the pernnials that are in there survive the move, can't remember what they are called but the variety is "rainbow" and they are pre flowering if not particularly happy cause we didn't replace enough of the soil after jess taking it over the year before last. Last night when we were knocking back the mattiess we couldn't it would take five stepping stones to get through the chuckies to the bench. We used the other two on the other side for washing putting up and looking lovely. We will have to tweet photos of them so we can easily put them up here. We love ferns and one of them has ferns on it.. Haven't ordered any garden stuff. We put a big asda shop in and a good bit of weed, its the middle good week.. and new bedding for junior. Including a new duvet, another one of those we want to replace that but there is parts that are scared and told not to things but know they feel better so we can..

I don't know how many times and to how many people, repeatedly or otherwise we have said we will never blog or talk about our twins. To finally do so without heavily relying on amnesia levels and we are beginning to feel the relief. Although we don't expect to start dreaming much better any time soon or not feel exhausted or terrified of the UK and vast swaves of the planet. There is palpable hope though is we avoid the TV and social media. That fucking tower, the fucking right wing and useless rest. Its beyond tedious now.

Palpable hope though.

June 20, 2017


We're all right, it's Tuesday and we have eventually clicked that we can put the shopping order in on Monday because the money goes out the same day as the shopping goes out and we've been hanging out with a lass that can hook us up with weed from various sources, it was sunnier the forecast predicted in our gorgeous little backy but we do need to ease up on the smoking and the drinking when the sunshine cause we ended up losing our pizza big style.

They weren't identical. They were a boy and girl. We hide that even more from ourself to avoided the knowledge and the experience of the girls having even less chance than the males, especially the non white ones. They killed the boy first like they just wanted to get it out the way so they could start on the girl. Someone stepped in and ended it quicker than some of them wanted but we don't know how much to trust the images and patterns in our head. How can we? The boundary between me that knows and me that can't is so much less than it always was. It's battered, opaque and even just not there in some places and we arn't scared or phobic of it any more but there isn't any joy or relief in watching it disintegrate we are to worn out from throwing everything we can at it.

We haven't told us what we named them. How can we give them those weapons? But they wanted them I think even in Dundee they were still trying to torture and terrorise that out of us and were just pushing it all further down.

We ate food after loosing all our pizza and then having to swirl it down the sink while sitting on the toilet feeling very very ill. Strawberries, raspberries, chocolate moose, cream, crisps, noodles .. so we are okay.

We miss them always and were told to, through out our teens if we ever got lost in our parts and almost felt good there was always some bastard close enough to bring it up. Sick cunts. In our twenties we had gotten a bit better at getting through people bringing it up. Some of them wanted us so dissociated that it was all impossible to trigger and others of course needed it to still work because it was the only real way they had of forcing us down. So we had to not be us so it wouldn't work, which was exactly what some needed. Eventually we figured out ways to be us and survive the triggering but it took a long time. There was never any time, space or safety for recovery but we fought and put everything into breaking that wall and accepting the memory of them without it destroying us because we knew that was the only way we could stop it from happening again. It worked of course there are always going to be parties interested in putting us through it again, we must be very confident they can't reach us if we are writing this.

Looking pretty cute isn't it?

June 19, 2017

Since the twins

They weren't our first pregnancy but they were the first we couldn't get out and the first time when they raped and tortured someone we loved along with us. We had focused so hard on keeping our sisters out of it and knew they had spotted our need to see him and we knew we wouldn't be able to resist them the way things were forever. The violence was extreme and daily. We were mostly locked up and tied up in the room which was often guarded and always watched. No they weren't our first pregnancy but they were the first that we didn't agree to have smuggled out. We knew their lives would be horrific but we couldnt not try to keep them alive and that meant they were going into trafficking or be murdered in front of me. We couldn't give them what they wanted so it would continue but we were pretty sure they were taking steps to make sure that even if we wanted to give them it we wouldn't be able to. Like we have said so many times before they were rings and individuals with overlaping interests they weren't all exactly the same and there was a hell of a lot more just doing and repeating what they were told than people who really knew what they doing and what was going on.

But when they brought Pac in and got me pregnant with twins kept us both locked and chained up doing endless horrible things to us both and then getting people some parts of Pac thought might help us to do the slaughtering we truly broke. They got their genuine catatonic state followed by long term amnesia. Not like it ended their our sisters were brought in because we would do nothing and wouldn't wake up which got us physically up at some point but not mentally or emotionally. It like everything else was set up years before, we remember some night in the or a Glen with someone who looks like Beyonce being told her twins would life of privilage while mines would be slaughtered and it would happen through lots of rape to me when I was still a child. We knew lots of the things they said would not happen or would not happen like they said so we were focused on that but we remember wondering if she had any awareness of what was going on around her or if she was just repeating her lines. He was white British possibly Scottish, organised crime. It was very lonely.

We lost so much that we had done so well to keep a hold of in the year or two where they had us like that with no help getting through. It's why we hate it here. They had so much control over us for so long because of it. Any one can and has been phoned up on their mobiles and told to bring it up to trigger us and we knew we couldn't address those triggers while still so close to the conditions and circumstances where it was able to happen and happen for so long.  I don't know how long after we agreed to pretend everything was normal and that we were Louise Johnston or how many people we killed before we could do that. They made Pac and me say goodbye to each other, I think he said this wasn't goodbye and I agreed and we both wept. The trafficker said some shit that both of us were mostly immune to.

It doesn't have the same control over us know of course or we wouldn't be writing or being where we are at. Last summer and all the summer wars before it. They put him there because they wanted to destroy the sense that we could survive anything as long as he loved us and they were right he couldn't get us through it but we had 37 sisters would could and did and we never blamed him for anything they did to us both anyway. I think we were about 12, 13 it was after he was officially dead so he and we knew he wasn't missed.

We lost all hope for Scotland, for the UK for everywhere then and never really got it back, how can we? The only reason I am not still in those condtions or dead is because one of the things we are trained to do when we break is go proper Berserker and kill a lot of people over impressive distances sometimes and vomit inducing numbers. There was also a fair bit of convincing them they had gotten what they wanted when we didn't have the energy for that and got very skilled at it very quickly. Learning stuff was easy it filled our head with something mentionable something we could work with.

Now of course now hubs isn't a constant state of terror about what could happen to me and Pablo if the locals triggered us with it he can finally breathe but has shit to do before he could come here if here is where we are to fucking remain despite explaining so so much of all this to all kinds of local, national, continental and international authorities and intelligence agencies of the extreme dangers and possible consequences and that really really sucks its horrible knowing in all kinds of detail bad for the position most people in power are and being powerless to do anything. 

The twins though, they had fed us up so they looked healthy when they born. They weren't alive for long but they wanted the babies to look thriving for the slaughter so we were left alone with them quite a bit over the next days, it wasn't more a week or so. Someone said something about us trying to escape, we hadn't we knew there was no point but we knew it was pretend anyway just part of their sick dramas that they liked to get lots and lots of people involved in.

How can you care about people that let all this happen to you when it could of been stopped it could of been resisted more there was help available but people were turning it down. The soldiers that we wrote about months back let them in. It's not the abuse stopped after the murders. They sent in endless gloaters and more torture. 

They were beautiful and so easy to love and so many people are riding high or living normal lives telling themselves they were justified in their involvment in it all and that they had no choice whilst also knowing that that is crap we were never any threat to them or their pissy life styles. 

I don't want to end this on them though. It happened and we are not so completely broken by it any more that we never wake up properly. We are not petrified of people just incase they remind us about it either intentionally or otherwise but we haven't got very far with all they hate though.

Good luck hubs, hope it all goes like clockwork.


June 14, 2017

..a lot of chuckies..

Quite exciting.  After the lad came home and Skyrim wasn't an option we worked in the garden.  Racked tonnes of chuckies, ripped out the rotten wood, put the ferns in a temporay planter, dug some then put in new much nicer much stronger wood edging, then raked tonnes more chuckies. It has always bugged me the rotten plants that had been put in to create the levels. One of them was long gone when it crumbled when some one stood on it. The depth of the accumulated sliding chuckies was pretty ugly. Now there is a proper level right across, we worked really hard. They are not perfectly straight or anything but they are deep enough in and are sturdy.  It was 40 quidish and free delivery for them, they are exactly what we needed we couldn't click away from that.. Supposed to rain tomorrow morning but we will see about the evening. We need to be hoover up all the mud we have trapesed down stairs anyway and do something about the kitchen floor..

CPN came round today. We had lost the appointment card but knew it was something past 11 of the something teenth. Glad we got it out of the way today.. She didn't mention what must of been quite a big smell of weed but we had the kitchen not to bad anyway and she was very impressed with the garden, said it showed decent mental health.  She brought up the olanzapine, not to say we should be on it or anything it was more about how well we are doing without.  We made an appointment to see her in two months and get the impression she would be happy not coming back after that. Social work arn't going to say the say same though because we are not any better at taking the alf out and are not likely to either without assistance. We just can't be arsed finding out whatever triggers this one and this face will bring. What ridiculous things she is going to say. I'm happy for dude to natter them for a while and for them to get him out but I wish they way stay away from us and wish even more of course that he had someone to do stuff with him that was not toxic AF for us.

Do you want to know what has been order and mostly dispatched?

Well. There there has been a thing of three mixed clematis for ages that we have on our lists and we decided after going through skint and weedless week and then being sorted just to do it. They of course need something to climb to so we went for a lot of free willow arched trelllis, they needed planters to of course cause that digging is back breaking and coz there is only so many roots we can put in this ground at one time, so many pretty coloured cheap plastic troughs to choose from.. Coz we are having issues with overindulgance at the mo we also order a pair of feat shaped stepping stones.. We can see us buying more stepping stones.. we remember some of us having a thing for them for them in the past to and that was lovely as well as emotional.. It would be good to have a path to the bench that was not a nightmare in bare feat but there is the the new areas we have made ourself as well though..

Think we might have to go google amazon some more..but not spend coz there isn't much left as it is and we will probs need pink wine if it stops raining..

June 11, 2017

So much for curry day..

My God when we eventually scored... Last Summer.. Man. Tonnes in loads of detail and coherent. Just amazing. Pabs had his shower and sent to bed with a bowl of ice cream, strawberrries and sweets and another owl with Pringles in it so he isn't complaining too loudly of neglect. I'm in bed with the rest of the Pringles and the glass or two of pink and a blueberry muffin.

We fucking did it. "We'll get the mini one down first then the other one." And thats what happened. We have already written about the mini one.

We had made the decision about lowering it slowly for lots of reasons. So as many people would know and get there in time to see it destroyed and know it was happening. If we dropped it and destroyed it quickly we wouldn't be able process what had just happened never mind anyone else.  There was no way around it being completly utterly overwhelming but we had to do whatever we could to manage that in anyway we could and of course if people didn't know it was gone it might as well still be there.

When we had got down to details about it, years before planning the glow sticks for when it blocked out the sun and might as well turn it into a rave and Christ keeps of us are gonna need watching for accidental overdosing..

We felt the eye agony in the dumbfucks who didn't have the sense to do what we did and cover their eyes. Some of course were not expecting it. They were evil fucks who were there to make sure we reprogrammed and rearmed it. Thinking about it know I've no idea how long the rounds and sounds of carnage and the slaughter in the near distance lasted but the peace in the eye of the storm was so wonderful we didn't want it to end. We let ourself dissociated, we let ourself be terrified knowing it would just gave way to curiosity. It had occurred, that there will be vomit. A lot of it. But we were not prepared for the sight when our eyes where open and adjusted. All lot of vomit. A lot of tears. A lot of freedom screams. A lot of shaking and a squished odd shape of tangled metal and debris in the centre, about the size of a truck. Everyone just dropping. We were down there already for a reason ffs..

Seeing fucking everyone again. All the "Okay folks. Last fucking time." Desperately trying to say hydrated then giving up and just getting wasted. There was a lot of tears. And vomit. And blood but it wasn't mine. Final mass surgergies on injured babies. Final "places people".  Handing the running of the hospital over to the patients and keeping the fascist staff tied up then escorted of site when their shift ended. Can't say I didn't avoid as much as possible from the higher security wards after all we knew our records for the patients and the staff and it was pretty fucking clear who should be locked up for being a danger to themselves or other people.. We stayed out of the hand over back to. We had to survive our own hand over. There was obviously no consent from anyone on our side for that to happen. Last time for giving our absolute physical all to the rest of the world to come back here for this shit.

Before the weed we remember the police guy who pushed his way in being brought to us as we crossed the field and didn't bother with any questions. He just had to die, regardless of the how or the what. We arn't sure though, of course its a memory involving Scottish police we can never be sure but we remember his colleagues walking in the ward and asking about him and us saying their wasn't going to be any more warnings, or briefings, sharing or any doubts of any kind when it came to themselves, behaviour like that and ourself.  They just turned and left. He wasn't alone of course that day but the women with him were women from social work and the school so we knew getting near them would be impossible because they had scripted roles over the last year and into the future. Don't know when Pablo's new social worker is going to ask to see us but the chances of her not having a face that is familiar as fuck is zero.

The ward had gone dead quiet when they walked in. We could hear crying from all directions including ourself once they left.

We are far to lefty to use the Soviet to describe something that does that to people. It was invented to curb the Soviets by rich Fascists and Supremacists from lots of places then it was taken back home to the British Isles and Ireland and then it went fully corporate for a while.

It's starting to look less cooperate know and more like what it is, hate and fear.

It's impossible to be as scared when you know the sky monsters and the lots of the people who wanted them are gone. It's also impossible to tell a complex DID system that its much safer know and expect them to believe it over night or a complex system of millions of DID systems all set up to trigger and keep each struggling of course either..

June 07, 2017

Had shower and climbed back in our lovely soft bed. We managed to phone Niall and he's put money in our account but can't get any supplies. We managed about two minutes of CNN but can't escape the seeing and knowing they are crappy people speaking crap. It was State of the Nation though and that is particularly crappy, were gonna talk politics and have a whole lotta fun like none of it really matters because it doesn't to them. Their comfy, they have distractions, they have health care and well paid careers that Trumpism is making more interesting while people are dying and losing hope and opportunities everywhere.  Seem here with Mayday and the rotten rotten Tories and their Blairite mates. At least there is more political opposition  to all the blatant class war and scapegoating but the rotten rotten press is as rotten as it ever was.

We will probs vote tomorrow its something to do, there doesn't seem to be too much programming stopping us, plenty programming stopping us from doing just about anything else though, phone still fucked still paying more for it and Sky than we need to be but feel sick at thought of dealing with it, bastards. When Niall was down he talked about how easy it was for him to have a conversation over the phone with Sky.. Wish we could do stuff like that.

June 05, 2017

You don't own them

Oh dear.

We are almost out of hash, have less than a quid in change, its a year on, its June we are alone in Scotland, there is the election, the Comey interview and this skint week.

Oh fuck.

At least we know we are able to get the kid to school and he will probably definitely wont die or be  attacked horrificly just the normal bullied by kids and not tolerated much by some adults of course.. And we will probably not become to ill to hide and be well distracted by Skyrim. Still though even with lots of support this would be a difficult week. I hate that children have to be publicly blown up and confirmed by MSM as such for this culture to give a fuck about them. Hate that people see the solution to kids being being bombed is arming the people who would protect their rapists. That is so fucking sick.

We done well the past few days though. We forced the lad to weed the front because of tude and then ended up finishing it ourself, chucking rubbish in the shed and half filling the compost wheely with weeds. Our new duvet and sheets came and were washed and dried, we tidied up our room and did a big dent in the washing pile that had built up because we were enjoying a garden without the washing too much. Made korma with the Pataks jar that comes with a seperate spice tub yesterday and it went down really well, Sunday was agreed as being curry day. The beef that was defrosted along with the single chicken breast for the korma has little chance of getting stewed today. Thankfully there is some kind of frozen ovenable potato product, tin of tune and mayo though. Or we would of had to or felt we had to deal with red meat hours ago and that would of been awful.

Can we just say because we feel it might help us a little that we really hate you. All of you. But we need that hate to stop us from releasing or remembering more specifics about the next couple of weeks anyway. We have being brought back to the bedroom in Skene. They had taken the kid of us and made sure we knew we would be getting no help from them when it came to avoiding or anything to do with further pregnancies and babies and had made us help Comey with the public interview because he's an op victim that wouldn't know what was appropriate and what wasn't to say if they someone doesn't give them very specific words and instructions. They had our keys and were working them pretty well. That means we couldn't manage our own dissociation but they could. It started and ended with the worst of the Scots and English abuser plants in the police. Big part of why we know we never have and never would agree to live here the only power they have is over vulnerable children that no one can or would help. That's their magical awesome omnipotent power that they have and have always had over me, the torture of children in their care or vulnerable. That's why we are alone and that is why we are skint.

Fuck. You. Earth.

To fucking choose to maintain, protect and reproduce that kind of hierarchy when alternatives have be presented and are real and possible is just unforgivable. We do wish you could all have your eye balls melted and then never feel any fear or greed again but we would miss the trees and birds and flowers. Of course we know there are other trees and birds and flowers we documented some of it and even put them where there are in some places but still it would be such a waste when the real problem is a handful of evil fucks. And the mass programming and cultural conditioning that they had created though we would asked the best way to deal with that. Usually the answer was something along the lines of have no idea but not literal mass area scorched everything yet and getting rid of the forces that were between ourself and the handful of evil fucks which was funnily enough often whoever was asking the questions.

Gawd. Need drugs. Lotsa them. Need to not know what day it is, of what week of what year. To not know where or who I am or how I got here.. Bliss..

June 03, 2017

Does it look like he's helping us?

Ug. Really struggling to be a mummy. It hurts so much and is so exhausting just to try and make my voice sound mumsy. We showed as many people we could about how they program kids to act around us and how they program us to be triggered by that which was not many. We felt bad about how much we needed to see our Mum and Gran see it just so we could see the fury that would rise in them. We needed to know someone would be holding on to that specific fury because it was too much for us. We needed them to know how hard and specifically our ability to parent Pablo or any of them was being hit because we was impossible or pointless to get people to understand or to help down here. Must of got it out to more peoples last year though. "You know those people that were showing you tapes to prove I was safe in Scotland? Well here is what they were actually doing. Now have seen that are you still take their word over mine? Then you will be escorted off site.."

Fed us and him though.. woo hoo.. and the honey suckle and the rose..

It's ridiculous when not so dissociated we can't here them saying they have been forced to support rapists and nuclear war enthusiasts to protect themselves from rape and nuclear war.  
"Hang on.." Someone said. "Are you saying that if there is a nuclear war you will be protected because you are loyal Masons?" There was a few sharp intakes of air and human noises from various people. The accused gave an affirmative grunt and quick nod. There was a moment of silence before an outburst of expletives and raucous laughter. 

When it had died down a bit we confirmed it and added that it was the same with the rape. That they had them in states of denial where they believed they were protected from it to. I could feel the relief then in those that were not so convinced that the loyal Masons wouldn't be protected from nukes because they knew they weren't being protected from rape either. We were wary of how we were feeling but we weren't up for walking away just yet either. We looked at him, flushed and indignant and asked him how and why they would protect him but he just started spitting out the usual offensive bull shit so we talked away there were many much much better people around to be talking to. Poor fucked up victim. 

How could he be helping us behind the scenes.. this is behind the scenes he's not here helping.. Rulers are made to order numbnuts it's DID and he's not trying to help himself he still protecting his abusers the very definition of "useless"..

Of course I fucking tried. What the fuck have you done ever to stop horrific shit from happening? Anything ever? And no looking the other way and doing what your told because you were told it would be worse if you didn't does not fucking count.

That was earlier and to a different prick than the magical anti nuke protection for Masons only conversation. But it ended the same way with the supremacist tool just defaulting to verbal abuse whenever challenged.

heard it through bass line

Good rain. We got the new duvet cover in in time and wont have to water the borders. Feeling quite messed up after last post. We probably knew we would of but it what we do with this blog is consciously and unconsciously go down a list of stuff we were repeatedly tortured and told not to ever share in any way. There is fuck all else for us to do. Without much in the way of large scale overarching denials still functioning "going somewhere" is fucking laughable for so so reasons. Other things to that in previous years we would write about wishing we could do and at least wished we wanted to do just doesn't seem like something we would want to do. There is very little written than could help us that we haven't already read and doing anything that that helps us involves enormous amounts of efforts to get past the Pavlovian fucking programming.

OMD. In the club. Bruises still yellow and pale blue. Dancing my ass off. Hugs. Weeping. Questions from others we couldn't answer so people kept them away. Outside afterwards there is shit load of people. Someone persuades us to get higher and see how big the crowd is. It's fucking massive and all ages and types. We said thanks. And sorry getting hurt so much. And that things were really really want and we didn't know if and when they would get any better. And to not vote Tory. Ever.

Nut. Bush. City. Limits.


Got past the Slits ban. Through the Grape Vine. Those hospital grounds were made for that bass line. Another one of those endless times when tonnes of evil fucker are convinced we are about to murdered by them and we end up being much much more committed to living and fighting.


Well coz.

wheels are coming off now..

Operation Cherry Tree

A couple of tiny plants arrived today and they are still in their box.. We are in a place with the garden where we can sit in it and enjoy it but can't imagine wanting to lots of work in it. It's obvs just where we are at today. Woke up late, like 12ish but wasn't in state from dreams or soaked through. Wish we could just hide in Skyrim for real forever. We a adopted a girl yesterday, then accidentally got involved in launching a large scale assault on the town where our house is. So we went back to an earlier save.. fuck that.. it would of lead to game content we haven't seen before but still.. fuck that.. we will have to earn more influence and try and find a peaceful solution I'm the bloody dragonborn I can't be getting involved in shit like that! We've to find out about the demon hunter people and the Vampire hunting group. Fuck yeah. Lol. It does mean that once again we have to do the initial joining of the Champions shit. Every fucking time we fuck up and have to go through the initial joining the Champions shit multiple times.. Walking away from a lot of the main weird quests until we figure out more and unless to hopefully to help more people.. fictional people who give you cool stuff in return and offer to fight for you but when they are killed for it you can go back to an earlier save and protect them better.

Been here before with this game. Worry about how to do best by fiction children while real ones fend for themselves. He did come through early this morning but its Saturday and after a week of having to force ourself to get up and be parenty its not gonna happen on the weekend much. We did put the washing line back up as soon as we got up and saw the time. Got us new bedding. We can ditch the last of the ones that we bought in Dundee. Alf will need to wait for his other set we have no money left. We spent it on hash because we couldn't bare the thought of having nothing there or buying an amount that meant in a day or two we would be backing to stressing about whether we should buy and all the rest of it.

That fuck for it. Skyrim and the Garden. Thank fuck that whatever went down at Nintendo wasn't going down at Bethesda. Quiet conversations and giggles during quiet times instead of more horror during the worst. Japan. Getting all imperial again. We can be manly men to you know!! Fear and be enslaved by us to! Cunts.

Hence the tattoo. When they have taken everything except our vision and the sense that your flesh is your flesh.

We see the whiskers of our dragon on our arm and its enough to trigger Chinese comrades, Chinese skills, the only thing that could match the Japanse shit and give anyone any hope against it. Any hope against it at all is to defeat its main aim. There were times when they kept putting us in positions where we couldn't see our tattoo at all but they kept looking at and that gave us enough of a sense of it to survive. Chinese systems to tend to need and demand to hear personally and clearly from us though and have zero interest in any general decreeing we do so yes China there is nothing else we need you to know, there is nothing going on that you need to worry about fucking up. We obvs can't contact direct but folks that know us can and would if needed so don't worry about the unknown unknowns. Just bloody do something..Of course we are saying the same to Tibet and everywhere else.

June 01, 2017

nah that's not Frances.. that's Katya

The mesmawotsits arrived today. They had been in a box all the long weekend so they will probs take a day or two to recover. Plenty sun on them today and watered them plenty so they probs will be fine and will see flowers from them soon. Dude's social worker seemed more impressed with the size of the garden than all the work being done. He's off soon anyway. Great. We would love to be able to tell them politely that they are not needed but he got us out the house today and we played a game of crazy golf that wouldn't of happened otherwise. We were pretty anxious about it before hand.

That was yesterday. The car journey and before hand were pretty awful and of course triggers when we got there but it was okay and a bit of a laugh at times. We are drinking more than we usually do, sitting on the bench now its been built in the evening sun. Burning through our supplies. It's not just the money, its the having to ask and hoping they can be arsed to help us out. We hate all that but usually not as much as not having. We will see what happens later on today. June the fucking first twenty fucking seventeen. And this fucking blog and the contents of our head are our only support system.  Not chuffed. Fucking terrified. Knowing that physically me and lad have systems to prevent the worst is better than just cynically knowing we were unlikely to die but were very likely to be very close to it as has been the case usually at this time in previous years.

Regular readers will know "Summer" is not just a season where we try and get as brown as possible but also refers to a part or rather a subsystem of parts as that is what "us" or "I" generally means. Folks from some scenes know her as lovely, beautiful dresses and carries herself very femininely and is easy and funny and charming to talk to. Last June when she came up in plans and conversations her very name was enough to make some of our sisters and other hardcore soldiers puke. Violence wise, Summer does all lot of our long and short term planning and execution. Jealously so. She never got addicted to truth drugs and she can get by without a smoke better than most of the rest of us because she knows in great detail that we are making a difference and how. That is also how she can be so lovely, it costs her nothing, its fun and it helps her get where she wants to be and get out again after. She's a fabulous actress and her favourite role to play is young female pretty happy summertime girl.

The system that has a face that would locally be identified as "Ms Frances Grieve" wept with relief when she she was told that would be the part of us that would be around in the pre programming and watching her back this year when she gets a shot at being boss at attempting to free my ass.  We wept in relief when we spoke to her properly for the first time in fucking years from that fucking flat in Fintry. She told us how useful and how much everyone where she was loved this blog when we were close to giving up on completely because it was going to get us killed. All that bad things and repercussions that we knew would happen were all happening on a massive scale while none of the possible good for us was happening. Things were so soo awful. Talking to her helped us get our head and heart around it all and figure out survival priorities and keep ourself and the alf alive until now.

Nightmare are pretty much every night, rapey dreams involving the prick who we can't buy from any more because he owes us money. And cause none of them are safe.

When Summer has got other plans than being present her with us its so fucking scary knowing she is watching out for us helps a bit I suppose but not much because we know that wouldn't be happening unless the dangers were particularly extreme. Also probably because we left with the traumas that made her and the traumas she took for the rest of us without her presence and that is fucking grim. It's short term though. Of course and she gets results.