June 30, 2017

Duvet Day

We stopped playing hours ago but still can't sleep. It's the holidays..no commitments.. Christ the detail we are remembering in. We don't feel much need to put much of it down at the moment and they don't feel like they are going anywhere instead they are just going to keep turning up. Although its not like they are appearing out of nothing, they are not new its our ability to look at it all without shattering that is new.  To look at them the perfect babies and look at the faces of the gang members that played important parts and remember the sound of them laughing and worse without abandoning ourself.  They like to stand about in big groups egging each other on and seeing who laugh the loudest we realised within a week or two that just because some of the laughter sounded fake didn't mean anyone was going to help me or just not be horrible for a little while.

Its what they do. We were the best at getting people out so who was going to get us out? We needed to know people were trying sometimes but we also knew they would be killed, maybe kept and worked and raped for a while then killed. We heard a guy begging once and wondered if we had sounded like that, we really couldn't remember.  They put him out of his misery eventually and we were alone again and we missed him even though he just cried all the time and was impossible to teach anything to.

Would it really be possible to not be alone? We are starting to consider that question with out all the internal shut downs and ended communications, petrified emotional parts back in full blown crisis. Some groups were into giving you some life essentials and allowing you to have a break and heal because they got better work out of us when we were used others just wanted as much as they could for us that hour and preferable agonising and degrading as possible. They would go all quiet when things got near fatal and would all stare into my eyes as I passed out. Skills and techniques and technology were traded and shared and fought over. Sometimes we would just weep like a littler girl or say no but not much else.

But the memories of times with my sisters, parents (!?), friends, husband are much realer and much less confusing now to. We do have other stuff in our head and in our flesh to give us safe spaces from all the horribleness. The way he looked at us when they brought him into the room, he didn't care what they were going to do to him he was just so relieved to be with me.

Ug we promised the lad we would cook him the left over burger and he is holding us to it.

June 29, 2017

Thursday

Bit physically uncomfortable today which is triggering in the new updated very real way. We did drink and eat a lot yesterday it's no suprise. New social worker canacelled, love it when they do that. We were never keen anyway but this is his fourth in a year so we are feeling quite intolerant towards them. Term 20O16-17 has ended. He went for the half day be wanted the peace and quiet. Napped a bit then Skyrimed.

Been to shop to get some comfort stuff because we can. Feel to all kinds of raw for any "wonder what if anything will happen" thoughts, they are built on amnesia and denial anyway. We remember it must been early enough on that we still noticed what was going on and reacted. They brought a doctor in because an injury, he treated us and told the bloke that brought him in that we wouldn't be able to work for a while and we broke and repeated the word "work" they bloke stabbed and punched and kicked the doctor until he had stabbed him in the heart then punched and kicked him when he was on the ground someone until he died. Don't think it was early enough on that we were physically sick. Not that time.

I believe there are still folk peddling the line that we killed the doctor.

Other times requires operating theatres. We open our eyes back in that room after being somewhere else after being literally cared for. It was so horrible. Other times everything and everyone was just brought to the room or one of their warehouses that were used for porn and storage.

They tried taking us to parties and clubs but we wouldn't smile or speak so they would give up on that. We didn't want to do anything that would make it easier for them to make a penny out of us. We couldn't do anything about what we are but we do what we could to not comply. We couldn't anyway we weren't there we could rarely even hear what was being said to us.

Don't have much appetite today. We need our family. We are never going to not need our family anyway but now we need them even more. At least the denial isn't an uncrossable barrier it was when we would have to hide from the rare moments we get because we couldn't handle seeing them, seeing the knowledge of them and it in there eyes. Dad grabbed us though and held us tight and said we didn't have to look at him we just had to let him hold us, so we did and we were able to be again just for a moment and remember times that weren't really really bad all the time.

It's linking up a bit isn't in? Well it has in our head anyway don't know where any readers are that. Hopefully starting to see the common supremacy, casual disregard for human rights and suffering and fear and revulsion of social and cultural progress that unites everything that has happened to us and the politics and the media in the U.K and the U.S and Russia and others.

What was it we said about our contract that runs out about now. I think there may of been increasing amounts of "fuck it we are going help fight for Tera". What did we find, before when we could still be awake and know everything we know. Something that broke our heart because we knew it meant there was no quick solutions and that was going to mean the decades of horror for us that it meant. Something about Earth. Whatever it was we don't have that fear anymore either, whatever it was taken somewhere it would be safer and not enslaved. For years we made out like that was what was going until they stopped responding to reports of it going on and got it done.

Obviously we couldn't get anything done during most of all this so they were free to present whatever they liked and try and force us and our sisters involvement in it for as long they liked a lot to.

Thats not keeping any peace, that's trying to ensure perpetual war while war was the only way we won or was granted any space or quality of life. "They are mostly not that smart" We would think when we were cozy in khaki in some base or compound somewhere wondering if they employing reverse psychology there.. "But a handful of them are" "Then we will bring the war to them". Then we pulled up our pants and shorts, flushed and washed out hands then back to the yard,getting the exercise we could and trying not to tell whoever was pretending to be in charge to shut the fuck up.

They are still going be massive amounts of people with lives on evil rails and no will to get off them. We saw figuring that out as a social science job rather than a military one but we are sure trying to get a good picture of it ruined them before they even got going at doing anything about it.

We remembering weeping in gratitude another time because we were given local anaesthetic before being stitched.

Gonna have to chuck the lad of the xbox soon.







Voodoo Child

We okay. Last day before summer break tomorrow. Bit worried about getting lad of the couch over next six weeks. We not bothered about getting ourself out so much. We don't want to go out without help to keep an eye on us and the lad and we to uncomfortable round all the delusional people anyway. More wood for garden is here, enough to do everything we wanted to do, fair bit of work though.  Will be amazing when the last of the wonky wood has gone. I don't know what we will do with the space we make, might look into something that isn't a flower that well help it look nicer in the winter. Shitty weather and the recall have decreased our interest in the garden this last week but its been watered when it needed it and we chucked a few hundred snails out today.

Yesterday was rough until our pal turned up with the weed at night. Not so bad that we couldn't get distracted by Skyrim for hours though. We have three houses built now and moved the kids out of the stone city, it was sun set when we where there today it was amazing.. We finally have our armoury it's not completely set up yet but once its filled with sets of different armour its going to look amazing.. Green house it pretty cool to. We have started a bit of trying to organise our books in the library but not for long will go back to it though!  Don't know how many are in my inventory but we need to figure which we want for our proper library or will do for decoration in other houses..

..

Everything is realer now. It's what we needed to survive and as the basis of whatever future we might have but it means the protective dissociative bubble that protected us from everything that has happened is burst and we are left facing it all and all its realness from the prospective of how it was experienced separately, how it effected others as well some insights into how we managed to organise ourself as best we could to protect as much as we could from everything they were trying on us.  We have the recalls of this time last year but as always the extremeness the loss and the having to pretend none of it happened take away so much of the goodness, the winning and connectedness.

We can't reach the mantras we have had to get us through feeling like this, they were made to keep us working anyway and this is different but we can't let us that lived that horrific captivity down, it's not like they ask for much, just physical safety and weed but to get them that has been very very difficult and we are all tired and need to lean on someone but there is no one around to lean on.

They are there for us though, if not here. We can feel that better when we start seeing faces again and just remembering normally.

The sky is pink tonight we can see it through the green trees from our window, it's lovely. It's not right that we are here though even if we do have a toilet, water, enough food and can see out a window. We would never agree to this, we shouldn't be here, it's all wrong.

Tonight we have. We have a noodle shin cup at our bedside, a bairn has our the fluffy hot water bottle that we used for long and in so much pain with his new bedding that he hasn't been raped in either. We have wine, cats that are out our curled up near the bottom of our duvet which new and clean of torture (We told them we would never buy spots, someone said we could just be saying that, we said how desperate and exhausted we were and because it was true most of them believed it except for the worst of the women but that was there job to never believe us and be against everything we said all the time anyway). We have Spotify premium and big skins. We got our kid to school over the last week before summer. We have asthma inhalers, anti depressants and a contraceptive that keeps that pain away. But we can't see our family and we can't do our work and the bad guys and the worst of the women are still in charge everywhere.

We got through it. The worst of the worst ever all organised to destroy and control us and we here publishing posts we said we would never write when they had us or told them word for word when they didn't because knowing that even if they could remember it enough to tell someone else they wouldn't be believed. Everyone had been bullshitting and getting involved in all kinds of creative fiction to hoodwink everyone else and did what they were told to do if their system barriers started malfunctioning. They literally grassed themselves up and volunteered for horrific torture to stop themselves from hearing themselves and from feeling or thinking independently and off script.

The justifications they came out with, remarkable and we knew the contradiction between what they were saying to me in the setting they were saying it and their work clothes, their phones, their car keys, their other public relationships was just another aspect of the pointless contradictory fuckedupness that we came to identify as Satanism after many years of them saying thats what they were. Those we saw day to day when locked up were not being made to study it they were just accepting the might is right and the fear that change would take away the only good things they had. As long as they make sure that the good things in their life have come about by evil then there is truth to this, its standard teaching in non pleby Satanic communities and institutions. They are fucking impossible to avoid here in the U.K. There is just fuck all else left. Sanitized.

They were mine. Truly mine. We knew we couldn't hand them over and we knew no one was getting us out. Brits and the Russians said you were working for them. The Americans said you were safe. Hiding. But safe. They took their pay checks and spread the lies, betraying everything and everyone who ever cared for them.  They let calls through sometimes. Calls they knew we would answer coz we were so out in the cold, agents in whatever fields in horrific danger that their employer wasn't going to help with when watched so closely we could do nothing, knowing it would make us snap sooner or later and they would see what we did and destroy whatever and whoever we had left. It was horrible and so hard making sure we did nothing before we knew their view was fucked with first.

It makes sense that we spend out thirties behaving like a loner teen. Smoking pot, munching, listening to tunes and writing. We were not given that privilege or opportunity much. We seemed to have a lot of the time pregnant, captive and tortured or running from people who wanted to keep us pregnant, captive and tortured or fighting them. Besides its berry season so we are eating raspberries and strawberries as well as junk.

We catch ourself having moments of real adult appetites to work, to learn, to see, to be known by someone. It hurts that we can nothing but acknowledge it and try and accept but not cling to the relief in knowing it will pass because there is nothing around to sustain it, to involve her. She'll end up going somewhere. We always do and they have less means to watch us at that level than ever. It's just a shame that getting rid of those means has cost us so much that we struggle to feel true and real enough to do that work again. We are not actually in our teens anymore. We know that partly because we are able to know anything consciously for any length of time we couldn't do much of that in our teens at all ever. There was no reaching us. We were with our babies.

We said it didn't stop didn't we. We have been having flashes of them bringing out rotten babies after triggering. It was something they did. They bring you out and you know it wont stop until they are convinced you are out then they do stuff so you never be out again.

We have gotten through and past the being kept tied up and raped for days. The raped, tied up and pregnant for months and months. We have made sure we can survive what ever they will attempt by us remembering holding them. Remembering it all and then making the tea for me and the lad.

We are.












June 25, 2017

Sunday

She is definitely better that Elaine. She isn't involved in white power groups, almost certainly doesn't abuse and allow others to sexually abuse her kids and when we said we had woken up to no baccy and no weed she came round with some already rolled.. Feeling a lot like what we have been saying recently is just the truth. We feel devastated but not confused about what is and isn't real. Well a lot less anyway.

She came back later with a wee bit we gave her money for by doing that thing where you pay by switch then immediately take the cash out the machine. We found £4:50 in change and went and got some beers while we waited for her to come back and shared them with her when she got here. We did a decent amount of kitchen cleaning and washing, made curry, it is Sunday after all and played a few minutes of toilet roll bowling on the stairs with lad, had a long shower and are in our clean new bedding thinking we are doing well as well as bad, still really bad all the time but at least we know why.

We have lit lots of candles and didn't look to long about the twin fairies on the shelf but we propped up one of poems that had slipped over as we hid them with candles. Lost our resin fairy to the wind, we should of never of put her up so high but she was in the sitting position and we wanted to see her from the kitchen window. We are glad we are in a place where something like that is a wee disapointing and not the cause of massive internal awfulness over what it means and what is means that we are thinking and feeling that it means something because we generally don't believe in crap like that.

We have another one already on the way actually and think this one actually might be made of metal and is standing so she will be fine. We still have parts repeating abuser instructions about what means to and it bugs but doesn't crumple us.

The lad was very happy with the new bedding yesterday and we were happy to see that and chuck the hold stuff in the bin it did help cheer him up after we demanded the xbox after feeding him and then having to tell him to go to his room with his DS because he wouldn't stop talking are we were struggling and need the game fill our head with pretty interesting fiction for a while and there is much telly is going to give us that. We have three built houses now but lots of work to do on the interiors and still have to move the kids to the one. They are in Markarth now, the girl loves the dogs and the museum but the boy hates it because it is all made of stone and there is no where to play.. We have got a dog and have left it at the house with the bedrooms and the kitchen and the trophy room.. its so cool.. its a shame there isn't more options with the interiors though. Love the kitchen.. Am in the process of sorting out an armory in one of them and we are going to love that we do love armour manikins.. Got a full carved Nord set recently it is bloody stunning..Still haven't gotten married, still checking our options, many butch women in sexy armours to choose from..

Taking a break from it tonight we were late last night with it and he's at school tomorrow so imagine we will hit pretty early tomorrow morning.. Ohh what quest to do.. are we ready for the Thalmour embassy job it would be good to have it done but its bloody scary and we have always attempted it with all the wrong gear and wrong skills when we have previously played but we have been stocking up on sneaking Eleven armour and picking pocketing stuff so maybe its.. time. We can always run back to an earlier safe is it all goes to shit anyway. The Solitude abode.. oh my we remember it being really expensive to buy and do up and we have been spending tonnes on all the new houses but wow.. Markath to.. the whole wondering about in art work thing in Skyrim just amazing.. Markarth is just amazing but still not any easier to find our way around what with all the stairs but its even more stunninger, especially after we cleaned the TV screen..

...

Love you babies..




June 24, 2017

..what more do you want Quine. We are doing are best by you here..

We took washing off the line and other stuff out, put the newest stuff in the machine. It is lovely, thick and the colours really vibrant. The sun was came out and we sat on the step for a little while but the wind was freaking us out so we came back in, brushed, flossed our teeth and washed our face then came back to bed. Feeling all shaky we can't eat. We did lots of that last night when drunk. Think we will manage to cook for him later if not us. There is been stuff come up about "armed forces day" but the set stuff up for most days. The military involvement though, the switch from British uniform giving us very mixed feelings to just bad and sad ones.

Dumbass soliders are going to find it much easier to believe people who are their superiors and who look like what their superiors normally look like that people their superiors are telling them are the enemy.  So many conflicting needs and ambitions from people who are used to always getting their way. Our child flesh and needs in the centre of it, everyone's "other" that need to keep all the otherism going. It's not our problem that your science has been horrendously controlled for a very long time so that none of it is valid. Everything else the same, that whatever the origins everything is either annihilated or broken so it fits the supremacies and becomes another tool.

The wind is freaking us out. We wish we were not alone with a bairn here. It can never be safe or happy and we got tired a long time ago with the reasons we were given by those not directly involved in it as to why this is.

I love Daddy. I love you Mummy. And Gran I love you to. It's not just the people not being here that hurts us its also that they can't be here because there is too many too bad people who will do horrible things if someone stayed or we left.

Gran would helps us break it down. That there was only ever one real option for our side and that is to get us out of here because we can never be who we are down here because there is only violence for us down here and we are so much more than a victim who fights. Hurry up Gran. I'm not too scared any more I know enough.

Do you really need a soothsayer to tell you not to store your hay next to your forge?

It's Saturday. Pabs is in his Pikachu onesie and has just taken a plate of food up to the living room, the weather said overcast and windy and thats what it is. It's predicted a whole week of overcast and rain we really hope it's at least a bit wrong coz our mood is going to be as overcast as the skies. Least we are ok for weed today anyway, we got a comfy bed and Princess puss here with us and Skyrim to hide in later..

We are very sad though. It's a pointless very emotional wish that the abuse could of stopped after the conception of the twins, just stopped dead all of it and left me with two very good products of all that horror and terror and violence. If they just could of left us there in that horrible house with those horrible people, we would of got us all out eventually and Margo would of fine with them anyway if we were being left to it.

We are aware know of course of why there is so many mixed emotions hugging children and not just in a could take good guess kind of way but specifics and we don't expect ourself to be leaping out of bed any time soon. The twins were their most effective weapon in getting us to state where being isolated in Scotland means total hopelessness and complete defeat. It was always so hard for us to trigger any other parts of us without massive amounts of phobia and amnesia. We have resolved a lot of that but all that means for any of us is that mourning can start and how can that not be depressing when we are alone and the systems that put us there are the same that keep us here and they might not be as brazen as they were put they are far from undermined.

Ug. More tea..

They get so many people involved when they are planning their worst stuff its not hard for them to get people who would rather not play a bit part or an extra type role when they have loyal people fucking everywhere. It's very effective but it's not something they can organise overnight it takes them decades, centuries of breaking people to achieve what they did then and what they have here.

A box arrived with Pabs new bedding all in it. That cheered us up, ours is on the line or in the machine it will be cool for us both to be bedded down in new line dried brushed cotton tonight.

Bairns that they didn't slaughter were held by industries, we knew by the Satanic mason mill set up that this would be the case and it seemed to be the case the abusers might change but seeing a particular child them using us to do work for that industry wouldn't the wheels just kept turning. It has only been the last few years that we broke up who and what would force us to work and get the children and their children away. Britain of course does not always need outside overwhelming forces they have a solid fascist core that can always be relied on to sell there own and everyone else in the name of hate.

So widely known about, so collectively tolerated.

The windows were covered so we didn't know what time of year it was and they would do stuff to suggest it was a different time of years than it was but did it happen around mid summer? I think possibly.

We don't think it will ever be safe for Pac to be here and of course that means its not safe for us ever either. They know some of us long to make more, that are his and are made in love away from all the rape and feel that stopping that from happening is essential for their power and keeping me and my Dad apart to.  They are supremacist slavers who have the hegemony and are not going to let that go ever.

It is a very painful relief to not have to avoid awareness of how much we miss being around black skin and how we know they know that and permanently smug about how we can't just talk to our Dad whenever we want, that we can't take our husband to bed with all kinds of military and high tech support making sure we don't all die. We did manage to loose our consent virginity before had. I'm so glad we did. It was easy by any means but it was done and it was wonderful and still smile when we see him on the telly and are glad he is there in a way if we need him.

An actual ring over the hours wasn't really practical but one of my sisters drew one on, that was cool. We were not cool when it was removed.  That was really really horrible we were literally in pieces.  It's never not going to be on against anything and everyone who made that happen.

They have to make the bad stuff really bad because if you are able to get your head around the good stuff and the power that is available to people from the places we are from and they really really need that to not happen.

Matter is determined by the conditions and forces around it not by its own design.

Can we just say something about that fucking tower and how horrific that is. We know there wasn't time for us to mention events in all of the rest of future human history on twitter on the 28th of March 2012 so we know we are not going to miss horrible shit happening and saw and knew were going to happen and could of be avoided if people listened to other people. It does piss off some folks though when they know we try to get people to stop horrific shit from happening but our public anguish over it just makes it all the more less likely that those who could, won't because they need to feel safer than others, need to know that everything they do to stay privileged is not for nothing.Need to comfort themselves with "well at least I'm not there, that could not happen to me."

The lack of certainty in everything that they gambled the farm on being certain is not going to go away or make them nicer people any time soon.

It is better knowing that not knowing though and not just because not knowing can be so dangerous and keep us so vulnerable. There was a lot of convincing the bit players that it was in their interests for us not to remember, not to be able to talk about it and help them stop us from ever healing or permanently leaving.  That really stuck to. How many really believed I would ever be a danger to the bit players? That we really would or want to "kill them all" or that it getting out would effect anyone's financial interests or institutional clout when if any of that was true it none of it would of happened.

It made us hate them everyone. So yep, effective.





















































June 23, 2017

no melanin in scar tissue

Thank fuck there is another week. Another week where we can hide in Skyrim when he's at school, think I'm going to get married this time, been building my second manor bit disappointed the plans are so limited but we have beds for the kids this time, a trophy room and a kitchen which isn't in our other place. How can you not get into all the buying and building of Skyrim abodes? The guards were talking about the Solitude house and that is the best as far as we remember with most in it and the most floors.. The only place we have never owned is in Windhelm because we ended up with Stormcloaks and are not about to deliver the axe which would result in an attack being lauched on the place where you get your first home, even if we do have somewhere to take the kids..

Refusing to take it off Expert mode we put it on when we first started the new edition and it was so easy and had forgot how hard loads of it is once you get going. So we die a lot. Then try various different approaches and die some more. We don't want to get into mindlessly playing, it will trigger and we won't necessarily notice.  Am looking forward to choosing which of the warrior women who said they were interested in me I will marry.. never did that when we played before.

The garden is lovely, we are waiting on more wood to put in levels at the steps but the rose and one planter of the violas is horribly infested with little beasties. We will look at some organic solutions first I think.. There is another fairy coming to.. One we really liked became available, it's under a tenner..

We are really hurting though. We had to choose between not feeling what we felt which was us distancing ourself from us and meant them getting what they want or let ourself acknowledge how we felt about those babies even though we knew they would use that to destroy us. Violence. That's how it works when its being used to oppress.

We had managed to not be there enough for the others but when they brought him in because we couldn't not be present around him we knew we were even more doomed than we already had been.   There wasn't anyone who had any access to either of us that wasn't horrific and the even though they knew nothing their proximity to those that do has poisoned all possible relationships here, just as it was designed to.

We just feel like scar tissue.

June 21, 2017

Wednesday morning

If it was sunny it might of pulled us out quite early today. We have small perennials to evict from the only planter that would fit the willow obelisk which arrived yesterday and is fucking stunning. The clematis does need out its little pot, it was the strongest of the three when they arrived but as its the pink one and the other two are white and purple and the pots they were yellow and purple of course we the pink had to wait for the willow round pyramid.. We had spending issues last week.. We are quite good at filling our basket and then cutting it right back but there is 3 metal silhouettes of fairies on sticks and ... da da daa da da dah! a fucking washing line pole that we have needed pretty much since we have got here. There was a half broken one for a while but that was stood on like two years ago.. We have literally having to limbo and dance around clean washing whilst covered in mud and cat poop. Not clever..

Looks like the obelisk is gonna perfectly fit that planter. It's quite exciting. Hope the pernnials that are in there survive the move, can't remember what they are called but the variety is "rainbow" and they are pre flowering if not particularly happy cause we didn't replace enough of the soil after jess taking it over the year before last. Last night when we were knocking back the mattiess we couldn't it would take five stepping stones to get through the chuckies to the bench. We used the other two on the other side for washing putting up and looking lovely. We will have to tweet photos of them so we can easily put them up here. We love ferns and one of them has ferns on it.. Haven't ordered any garden stuff. We put a big asda shop in and a good bit of weed, its the middle good week.. and new bedding for junior. Including a new duvet, another one of those we want to replace that but there is parts that are scared and told not to things but know they feel better so we can..

I don't know how many times and to how many people, repeatedly or otherwise we have said we will never blog or talk about our twins. To finally do so without heavily relying on amnesia levels and we are beginning to feel the relief. Although we don't expect to start dreaming much better any time soon or not feel exhausted or terrified of the UK and vast swaves of the planet. There is palpable hope though is we avoid the TV and social media. That fucking tower, the fucking right wing and useless rest. Its beyond tedious now.

Palpable hope though.

June 20, 2017

Tuesday

We're all right, it's Tuesday and we have eventually clicked that we can put the shopping order in on Monday because the money goes out the same day as the shopping goes out and we've been hanging out with a lass that can hook us up with weed from various sources, it was sunnier the forecast predicted in our gorgeous little backy but we do need to ease up on the smoking and the drinking when the sunshine cause we ended up losing our pizza big style.

They weren't identical. They were a boy and girl. We hide that even more from ourself to avoided the knowledge and the experience of the girls having even less chance than the males, especially the non white ones. They killed the boy first like they just wanted to get it out the way so they could start on the girl. Someone stepped in and ended it quicker than some of them wanted but we don't know how much to trust the images and patterns in our head. How can we? The boundary between me that knows and me that can't is so much less than it always was. It's battered, opaque and even just not there in some places and we arn't scared or phobic of it any more but there isn't any joy or relief in watching it disintegrate we are to worn out from throwing everything we can at it.

We haven't told us what we named them. How can we give them those weapons? But they wanted them I think even in Dundee they were still trying to torture and terrorise that out of us and were just pushing it all further down.

We ate food after loosing all our pizza and then having to swirl it down the sink while sitting on the toilet feeling very very ill. Strawberries, raspberries, chocolate moose, cream, crisps, noodles .. so we are okay.

We miss them always and were told to, through out our teens if we ever got lost in our parts and almost felt good there was always some bastard close enough to bring it up. Sick cunts. In our twenties we had gotten a bit better at getting through people bringing it up. Some of them wanted us so dissociated that it was all impossible to trigger and others of course needed it to still work because it was the only real way they had of forcing us down. So we had to not be us so it wouldn't work, which was exactly what some needed. Eventually we figured out ways to be us and survive the triggering but it took a long time. There was never any time, space or safety for recovery but we fought and put everything into breaking that wall and accepting the memory of them without it destroying us because we knew that was the only way we could stop it from happening again. It worked of course there are always going to be parties interested in putting us through it again, we must be very confident they can't reach us if we are writing this.

Looking pretty cute isn't it?








June 19, 2017

Since the twins

They weren't our first pregnancy but they were the first we couldn't get out and the first time when they raped and tortured someone we loved along with us. We had focused so hard on keeping our sisters out of it and knew they had spotted our need to see him and we knew we wouldn't be able to resist them the way things were forever. The violence was extreme and daily. We were mostly locked up and tied up in the room which was often guarded and always watched. No they weren't our first pregnancy but they were the first that we didn't agree to have smuggled out. We knew their lives would be horrific but we couldnt not try to keep them alive and that meant they were going into trafficking or be murdered in front of me. We couldn't give them what they wanted so it would continue but we were pretty sure they were taking steps to make sure that even if we wanted to give them it we wouldn't be able to. Like we have said so many times before they were rings and individuals with overlaping interests they weren't all exactly the same and there was a hell of a lot more just doing and repeating what they were told than people who really knew what they doing and what was going on.

But when they brought Pac in and got me pregnant with twins kept us both locked and chained up doing endless horrible things to us both and then getting people some parts of Pac thought might help us to do the slaughtering we truly broke. They got their genuine catatonic state followed by long term amnesia. Not like it ended their our sisters were brought in because we would do nothing and wouldn't wake up which got us physically up at some point but not mentally or emotionally. It like everything else was set up years before, we remember some night in the or a Glen with someone who looks like Beyonce being told her twins would life of privilage while mines would be slaughtered and it would happen through lots of rape to me when I was still a child. We knew lots of the things they said would not happen or would not happen like they said so we were focused on that but we remember wondering if she had any awareness of what was going on around her or if she was just repeating her lines. He was white British possibly Scottish, organised crime. It was very lonely.

We lost so much that we had done so well to keep a hold of in the year or two where they had us like that with no help getting through. It's why we hate it here. They had so much control over us for so long because of it. Any one can and has been phoned up on their mobiles and told to bring it up to trigger us and we knew we couldn't address those triggers while still so close to the conditions and circumstances where it was able to happen and happen for so long.  I don't know how long after we agreed to pretend everything was normal and that we were Louise Johnston or how many people we killed before we could do that. They made Pac and me say goodbye to each other, I think he said this wasn't goodbye and I agreed and we both wept. The trafficker said some shit that both of us were mostly immune to.

It doesn't have the same control over us know of course or we wouldn't be writing or being where we are at. Last summer and all the summer wars before it. They put him there because they wanted to destroy the sense that we could survive anything as long as he loved us and they were right he couldn't get us through it but we had 37 sisters would could and did and we never blamed him for anything they did to us both anyway. I think we were about 12, 13 it was after he was officially dead so he and we knew he wasn't missed.

We lost all hope for Scotland, for the UK for everywhere then and never really got it back, how can we? The only reason I am not still in those condtions or dead is because one of the things we are trained to do when we break is go proper Berserker and kill a lot of people over impressive distances sometimes and vomit inducing numbers. There was also a fair bit of convincing them they had gotten what they wanted when we didn't have the energy for that and got very skilled at it very quickly. Learning stuff was easy it filled our head with something mentionable something we could work with.

Now of course now hubs isn't a constant state of terror about what could happen to me and Pablo if the locals triggered us with it he can finally breathe but has shit to do before he could come here if here is where we are to fucking remain despite explaining so so much of all this to all kinds of local, national, continental and international authorities and intelligence agencies of the extreme dangers and possible consequences and that really really sucks its horrible knowing in all kinds of detail bad for the position most people in power are and being powerless to do anything. 

The twins though, they had fed us up so they looked healthy when they born. They weren't alive for long but they wanted the babies to look thriving for the slaughter so we were left alone with them quite a bit over the next days, it wasn't more a week or so. Someone said something about us trying to escape, we hadn't we knew there was no point but we knew it was pretend anyway just part of their sick dramas that they liked to get lots and lots of people involved in.

How can you care about people that let all this happen to you when it could of been stopped it could of been resisted more there was help available but people were turning it down. The soldiers that we wrote about months back let them in. It's not the abuse stopped after the murders. They sent in endless gloaters and more torture. 

They were beautiful and so easy to love and so many people are riding high or living normal lives telling themselves they were justified in their involvment in it all and that they had no choice whilst also knowing that that is crap we were never any threat to them or their pissy life styles. 

I don't want to end this on them though. It happened and we are not so completely broken by it any more that we never wake up properly. We are not petrified of people just incase they remind us about it either intentionally or otherwise but we haven't got very far with all they hate though.

Good luck hubs, hope it all goes like clockwork.

xxxxx








June 14, 2017

..a lot of chuckies..

Quite exciting.  After the lad came home and Skyrim wasn't an option we worked in the garden.  Racked tonnes of chuckies, ripped out the rotten wood, put the ferns in a temporay planter, dug some then put in new much nicer much stronger wood edging, then raked tonnes more chuckies. It has always bugged me the rotten plants that had been put in to create the levels. One of them was long gone when it crumbled when some one stood on it. The depth of the accumulated sliding chuckies was pretty ugly. Now there is a proper level right across, we worked really hard. They are not perfectly straight or anything but they are deep enough in and are sturdy.  It was 40 quidish and free delivery for them, they are exactly what we needed we couldn't click away from that.. Supposed to rain tomorrow morning but we will see about the evening. We need to be hoover up all the mud we have trapesed down stairs anyway and do something about the kitchen floor..

CPN came round today. We had lost the appointment card but knew it was something past 11 of the something teenth. Glad we got it out of the way today.. She didn't mention what must of been quite a big smell of weed but we had the kitchen not to bad anyway and she was very impressed with the garden, said it showed decent mental health.  She brought up the olanzapine, not to say we should be on it or anything it was more about how well we are doing without.  We made an appointment to see her in two months and get the impression she would be happy not coming back after that. Social work arn't going to say the say same though because we are not any better at taking the alf out and are not likely to either without assistance. We just can't be arsed finding out whatever triggers this one and this face will bring. What ridiculous things she is going to say. I'm happy for dude to natter them for a while and for them to get him out but I wish they way stay away from us and wish even more of course that he had someone to do stuff with him that was not toxic AF for us.

Do you want to know what has been order and mostly dispatched?
....

Well. There there has been a thing of three mixed clematis for ages that we have on our lists and we decided after going through skint and weedless week and then being sorted just to do it. They of course need something to climb to so we went for a lot of free willow arched trelllis, they needed planters to of course cause that digging is back breaking and coz there is only so many roots we can put in this ground at one time, so many pretty coloured cheap plastic troughs to choose from.. Coz we are having issues with overindulgance at the mo we also order a pair of feat shaped stepping stones.. We can see us buying more stepping stones.. we remember some of us having a thing for them for them in the past to and that was lovely as well as emotional.. It would be good to have a path to the bench that was not a nightmare in bare feat but there is the the new areas we have made ourself as well though..

Think we might have to go google amazon some more..but not spend coz there isn't much left as it is and we will probs need pink wine if it stops raining..

June 11, 2017

So much for curry day..

My God when we eventually scored... Last Summer.. Man. Tonnes in loads of detail and coherent. Just amazing. Pabs had his shower and sent to bed with a bowl of ice cream, strawberrries and sweets and another owl with Pringles in it so he isn't complaining too loudly of neglect. I'm in bed with the rest of the Pringles and the glass or two of pink and a blueberry muffin.

We fucking did it. "We'll get the mini one down first then the other one." And thats what happened. We have already written about the mini one.

We had made the decision about lowering it slowly for lots of reasons. So as many people would know and get there in time to see it destroyed and know it was happening. If we dropped it and destroyed it quickly we wouldn't be able process what had just happened never mind anyone else.  There was no way around it being completly utterly overwhelming but we had to do whatever we could to manage that in anyway we could and of course if people didn't know it was gone it might as well still be there.

When we had got down to details about it, years before planning the glow sticks for when it blocked out the sun and might as well turn it into a rave and Christ keeps of us are gonna need watching for accidental overdosing..

We felt the eye agony in the dumbfucks who didn't have the sense to do what we did and cover their eyes. Some of course were not expecting it. They were evil fucks who were there to make sure we reprogrammed and rearmed it. Thinking about it know I've no idea how long the rounds and sounds of carnage and the slaughter in the near distance lasted but the peace in the eye of the storm was so wonderful we didn't want it to end. We let ourself dissociated, we let ourself be terrified knowing it would just gave way to curiosity. It had occurred, that there will be vomit. A lot of it. But we were not prepared for the sight when our eyes where open and adjusted. All lot of vomit. A lot of tears. A lot of freedom screams. A lot of shaking and a squished odd shape of tangled metal and debris in the centre, about the size of a truck. Everyone just dropping. We were down there already for a reason ffs..

Seeing fucking everyone again. All the "Okay folks. Last fucking time." Desperately trying to say hydrated then giving up and just getting wasted. There was a lot of tears. And vomit. And blood but it wasn't mine. Final mass surgergies on injured babies. Final "places people".  Handing the running of the hospital over to the patients and keeping the fascist staff tied up then escorted of site when their shift ended. Can't say I didn't avoid as much as possible from the higher security wards after all we knew our records for the patients and the staff and it was pretty fucking clear who should be locked up for being a danger to themselves or other people.. We stayed out of the hand over back to. We had to survive our own hand over. There was obviously no consent from anyone on our side for that to happen. Last time for giving our absolute physical all to the rest of the world to come back here for this shit.

Before the weed we remember the police guy who pushed his way in being brought to us as we crossed the field and didn't bother with any questions. He just had to die, regardless of the how or the what. We arn't sure though, of course its a memory involving Scottish police we can never be sure but we remember his colleagues walking in the ward and asking about him and us saying their wasn't going to be any more warnings, or briefings, sharing or any doubts of any kind when it came to themselves, behaviour like that and ourself.  They just turned and left. He wasn't alone of course that day but the women with him were women from social work and the school so we knew getting near them would be impossible because they had scripted roles over the last year and into the future. Don't know when Pablo's new social worker is going to ask to see us but the chances of her not having a face that is familiar as fuck is zero.

The ward had gone dead quiet when they walked in. We could hear crying from all directions including ourself once they left.

We are far to lefty to use the Soviet to describe something that does that to people. It was invented to curb the Soviets by rich Fascists and Supremacists from lots of places then it was taken back home to the British Isles and Ireland and then it went fully corporate for a while.

It's starting to look less cooperate know and more like what it is, hate and fear.

It's impossible to be as scared when you know the sky monsters and the lots of the people who wanted them are gone. It's also impossible to tell a complex DID system that its much safer know and expect them to believe it over night or a complex system of millions of DID systems all set up to trigger and keep each struggling of course either..









June 07, 2017

Had shower and climbed back in our lovely soft bed. We managed to phone Niall and he's put money in our account but can't get any supplies. We managed about two minutes of CNN but can't escape the seeing and knowing they are crappy people speaking crap. It was State of the Nation though and that is particularly crappy, were gonna talk politics and have a whole lotta fun like none of it really matters because it doesn't to them. Their comfy, they have distractions, they have health care and well paid careers that Trumpism is making more interesting while people are dying and losing hope and opportunities everywhere.  Seem here with Mayday and the rotten rotten Tories and their Blairite mates. At least there is more political opposition  to all the blatant class war and scapegoating but the rotten rotten press is as rotten as it ever was.

We will probs vote tomorrow its something to do, there doesn't seem to be too much programming stopping us, plenty programming stopping us from doing just about anything else though, phone still fucked still paying more for it and Sky than we need to be but feel sick at thought of dealing with it, bastards. When Niall was down he talked about how easy it was for him to have a conversation over the phone with Sky.. Wish we could do stuff like that.





June 05, 2017

You don't own them

Oh dear.

We are almost out of hash, have less than a quid in change, its a year on, its June we are alone in Scotland, there is the election, the Comey interview and this skint week.

Oh fuck.

At least we know we are able to get the kid to school and he will probably definitely wont die or be  attacked horrificly just the normal bullied by kids and not tolerated much by some adults of course.. And we will probably not become to ill to hide and be well distracted by Skyrim. Still though even with lots of support this would be a difficult week. I hate that children have to be publicly blown up and confirmed by MSM as such for this culture to give a fuck about them. Hate that people see the solution to kids being being bombed is arming the people who would protect their rapists. That is so fucking sick.


We done well the past few days though. We forced the lad to weed the front because of tude and then ended up finishing it ourself, chucking rubbish in the shed and half filling the compost wheely with weeds. Our new duvet and sheets came and were washed and dried, we tidied up our room and did a big dent in the washing pile that had built up because we were enjoying a garden without the washing too much. Made korma with the Pataks jar that comes with a seperate spice tub yesterday and it went down really well, Sunday was agreed as being curry day. The beef that was defrosted along with the single chicken breast for the korma has little chance of getting stewed today. Thankfully there is some kind of frozen ovenable potato product, tin of tune and mayo though. Or we would of had to or felt we had to deal with red meat hours ago and that would of been awful.

Can we just say because we feel it might help us a little that we really hate you. All of you. But we need that hate to stop us from releasing or remembering more specifics about the next couple of weeks anyway. We have being brought back to the bedroom in Skene. They had taken the kid of us and made sure we knew we would be getting no help from them when it came to avoiding or anything to do with further pregnancies and babies and had made us help Comey with the public interview because he's an op victim that wouldn't know what was appropriate and what wasn't to say if they someone doesn't give them very specific words and instructions. They had our keys and were working them pretty well. That means we couldn't manage our own dissociation but they could. It started and ended with the worst of the Scots and English abuser plants in the police. Big part of why we know we never have and never would agree to live here the only power they have is over vulnerable children that no one can or would help. That's their magical awesome omnipotent power that they have and have always had over me, the torture of children in their care or vulnerable. That's why we are alone and that is why we are skint.

Fuck. You. Earth.

To fucking choose to maintain, protect and reproduce that kind of hierarchy when alternatives have be presented and are real and possible is just unforgivable. We do wish you could all have your eye balls melted and then never feel any fear or greed again but we would miss the trees and birds and flowers. Of course we know there are other trees and birds and flowers we documented some of it and even put them where there are in some places but still it would be such a waste when the real problem is a handful of evil fucks. And the mass programming and cultural conditioning that they had created though we would asked the best way to deal with that. Usually the answer was something along the lines of have no idea but not literal mass area scorched everything yet and getting rid of the forces that were between ourself and the handful of evil fucks which was funnily enough often whoever was asking the questions.

Gawd. Need drugs. Lotsa them. Need to not know what day it is, of what week of what year. To not know where or who I am or how I got here.. Bliss..





June 03, 2017

Does it look like he's helping us?

Ug. Really struggling to be a mummy. It hurts so much and is so exhausting just to try and make my voice sound mumsy. We showed as many people we could about how they program kids to act around us and how they program us to be triggered by that which was not many. We felt bad about how much we needed to see our Mum and Gran see it just so we could see the fury that would rise in them. We needed to know someone would be holding on to that specific fury because it was too much for us. We needed them to know how hard and specifically our ability to parent Pablo or any of them was being hit because we was impossible or pointless to get people to understand or to help down here. Must of got it out to more peoples last year though. "You know those people that were showing you tapes to prove I was safe in Scotland? Well here is what they were actually doing. Now have seen that are you still take their word over mine? Then you will be escorted off site.."

Fed us and him though.. woo hoo.. and the honey suckle and the rose..

It's ridiculous when not so dissociated we can't here them saying they have been forced to support rapists and nuclear war enthusiasts to protect themselves from rape and nuclear war.  
"Hang on.." Someone said. "Are you saying that if there is a nuclear war you will be protected because you are loyal Masons?" There was a few sharp intakes of air and human noises from various people. The accused gave an affirmative grunt and quick nod. There was a moment of silence before an outburst of expletives and raucous laughter. 

When it had died down a bit we confirmed it and added that it was the same with the rape. That they had them in states of denial where they believed they were protected from it to. I could feel the relief then in those that were not so convinced that the loyal Masons wouldn't be protected from nukes because they knew they weren't being protected from rape either. We were wary of how we were feeling but we weren't up for walking away just yet either. We looked at him, flushed and indignant and asked him how and why they would protect him but he just started spitting out the usual offensive bull shit so we talked away there were many much much better people around to be talking to. Poor fucked up victim. 
...

How could he be helping us behind the scenes.. this is behind the scenes he's not here helping.. Rulers are made to order numbnuts it's DID and he's not trying to help himself he still protecting his abusers the very definition of "useless"..

Of course I fucking tried. What the fuck have you done ever to stop horrific shit from happening? Anything ever? And no looking the other way and doing what your told because you were told it would be worse if you didn't does not fucking count.

That was earlier and to a different prick than the magical anti nuke protection for Masons only conversation. But it ended the same way with the supremacist tool just defaulting to verbal abuse whenever challenged.

heard it through bass line

Good rain. We got the new duvet cover in in time and wont have to water the borders. Feeling quite messed up after last post. We probably knew we would of but it what we do with this blog is consciously and unconsciously go down a list of stuff we were repeatedly tortured and told not to ever share in any way. There is fuck all else for us to do. Without much in the way of large scale overarching denials still functioning "going somewhere" is fucking laughable for so so reasons. Other things to that in previous years we would write about wishing we could do and at least wished we wanted to do just doesn't seem like something we would want to do. There is very little written than could help us that we haven't already read and doing anything that that helps us involves enormous amounts of efforts to get past the Pavlovian fucking programming.

OMD. In the club. Bruises still yellow and pale blue. Dancing my ass off. Hugs. Weeping. Questions from others we couldn't answer so people kept them away. Outside afterwards there is shit load of people. Someone persuades us to get higher and see how big the crowd is. It's fucking massive and all ages and types. We said thanks. And sorry getting hurt so much. And that things were really really want and we didn't know if and when they would get any better. And to not vote Tory. Ever.

Nut. Bush. City. Limits.

Always.

Got past the Slits ban. Through the Grape Vine. Those hospital grounds were made for that bass line. Another one of those endless times when tonnes of evil fucker are convinced we are about to murdered by them and we end up being much much more committed to living and fighting.

Default.

Well coz.

wheels are coming off now..

Operation Cherry Tree

A couple of tiny plants arrived today and they are still in their box.. We are in a place with the garden where we can sit in it and enjoy it but can't imagine wanting to lots of work in it. It's obvs just where we are at today. Woke up late, like 12ish but wasn't in state from dreams or soaked through. Wish we could just hide in Skyrim for real forever. We a adopted a girl yesterday, then accidentally got involved in launching a large scale assault on the town where our house is. So we went back to an earlier save.. fuck that.. it would of lead to game content we haven't seen before but still.. fuck that.. we will have to earn more influence and try and find a peaceful solution I'm the bloody dragonborn I can't be getting involved in shit like that! We've to find out about the demon hunter people and the Vampire hunting group. Fuck yeah. Lol. It does mean that once again we have to do the initial joining of the Champions shit. Every fucking time we fuck up and have to go through the initial joining the Champions shit multiple times.. Walking away from a lot of the main weird quests until we figure out more and unless to hopefully to help more people.. fictional people who give you cool stuff in return and offer to fight for you but when they are killed for it you can go back to an earlier save and protect them better.

Been here before with this game. Worry about how to do best by fiction children while real ones fend for themselves. He did come through early this morning but its Saturday and after a week of having to force ourself to get up and be parenty its not gonna happen on the weekend much. We did put the washing line back up as soon as we got up and saw the time. Got us new bedding. We can ditch the last of the ones that we bought in Dundee. Alf will need to wait for his other set we have no money left. We spent it on hash because we couldn't bare the thought of having nothing there or buying an amount that meant in a day or two we would be backing to stressing about whether we should buy and all the rest of it.

That fuck for it. Skyrim and the Garden. Thank fuck that whatever went down at Nintendo wasn't going down at Bethesda. Quiet conversations and giggles during quiet times instead of more horror during the worst. Japan. Getting all imperial again. We can be manly men to you know!! Fear and be enslaved by us to! Cunts.

Hence the tattoo. When they have taken everything except our vision and the sense that your flesh is your flesh.

We see the whiskers of our dragon on our arm and its enough to trigger Chinese comrades, Chinese skills, the only thing that could match the Japanse shit and give anyone any hope against it. Any hope against it at all is to defeat its main aim. There were times when they kept putting us in positions where we couldn't see our tattoo at all but they kept looking at and that gave us enough of a sense of it to survive. Chinese systems to tend to need and demand to hear personally and clearly from us though and have zero interest in any general decreeing we do so yes China there is nothing else we need you to know, there is nothing going on that you need to worry about fucking up. We obvs can't contact direct but folks that know us can and would if needed so don't worry about the unknown unknowns. Just bloody do something..Of course we are saying the same to Tibet and everywhere else.









June 01, 2017

nah that's not Frances.. that's Katya

The mesmawotsits arrived today. They had been in a box all the long weekend so they will probs take a day or two to recover. Plenty sun on them today and watered them plenty so they probs will be fine and will see flowers from them soon. Dude's social worker seemed more impressed with the size of the garden than all the work being done. He's off soon anyway. Great. We would love to be able to tell them politely that they are not needed but he got us out the house today and we played a game of crazy golf that wouldn't of happened otherwise. We were pretty anxious about it before hand.

That was yesterday. The car journey and before hand were pretty awful and of course triggers when we got there but it was okay and a bit of a laugh at times. We are drinking more than we usually do, sitting on the bench now its been built in the evening sun. Burning through our supplies. It's not just the money, its the having to ask and hoping they can be arsed to help us out. We hate all that but usually not as much as not having. We will see what happens later on today. June the fucking first twenty fucking seventeen. And this fucking blog and the contents of our head are our only support system.  Not chuffed. Fucking terrified. Knowing that physically me and lad have systems to prevent the worst is better than just cynically knowing we were unlikely to die but were very likely to be very close to it as has been the case usually at this time in previous years.

Regular readers will know "Summer" is not just a season where we try and get as brown as possible but also refers to a part or rather a subsystem of parts as that is what "us" or "I" generally means. Folks from some scenes know her as lovely, beautiful dresses and carries herself very femininely and is easy and funny and charming to talk to. Last June when she came up in plans and conversations her very name was enough to make some of our sisters and other hardcore soldiers puke. Violence wise, Summer does all lot of our long and short term planning and execution. Jealously so. She never got addicted to truth drugs and she can get by without a smoke better than most of the rest of us because she knows in great detail that we are making a difference and how. That is also how she can be so lovely, it costs her nothing, its fun and it helps her get where she wants to be and get out again after. She's a fabulous actress and her favourite role to play is young female pretty happy summertime girl.

The system that has a face that would locally be identified as "Ms Frances Grieve" wept with relief when she she was told that would be the part of us that would be around in the pre programming and watching her back this year when she gets a shot at being boss at attempting to free my ass.  We wept in relief when we spoke to her properly for the first time in fucking years from that fucking flat in Fintry. She told us how useful and how much everyone where she was loved this blog when we were close to giving up on completely because it was going to get us killed. All that bad things and repercussions that we knew would happen were all happening on a massive scale while none of the possible good for us was happening. Things were so soo awful. Talking to her helped us get our head and heart around it all and figure out survival priorities and keep ourself and the alf alive until now.

Nightmare are pretty much every night, rapey dreams involving the prick who we can't buy from any more because he owes us money. And cause none of them are safe.

When Summer has got other plans than being present her with us its so fucking scary knowing she is watching out for us helps a bit I suppose but not much because we know that wouldn't be happening unless the dangers were particularly extreme. Also probably because we left with the traumas that made her and the traumas she took for the rest of us without her presence and that is fucking grim. It's short term though. Of course and she gets results.