December 14, 2016

believe

We are listening to carols, smoking blinding weed and thinking of you. CPN today. Last time this year. Didn't tell we have stopped taking the antipsychotic. Told her we were struggling to take it. She said it was honest of us to say so but as we were still taking it we must think its doing us some good. She got a bit pissed off actually asking us if we thought this was a good time to be even thinking about reducing. We said we are not interested in psychology at the moment. We really arn't. Not from the NHS. Not from anyone we can't vet our self. We are a little worried how we will get evidence to say we are unfit to work if we are refusing to see any docs but we know we have every reason to believe in what little we remember of the phone calls where we were told we didn't need to. We remember the relief and the sense of truth and then our heart sank at what we were going to have to survive from then. He talked about there being bad times ahead and I think told me something that he hoped would get us through that we can't remember now but that doesnt mean it didnt indeed help us through the last couple of years.

As usual though from here we have no idea what is going to or may happen. We know that if December becomes January becomes February and there is no real change we won't at least be in as bad a state as we were this year.  It doesn't mean that every thing we remember isn't real or doesn't matter. It's just bloody war and that's what it's like which isnt an attitude that is going to get us to pop along to a local art group but its the best spin we can put on it. We don't expect anything else from this life in these structures. I know I hear you "believe" and we do when we don't feel the pressure to be on anti psychotics or go to art groups. Had a lass from ward in the other day she's adorable, we love her .. she drinks like Laura..

This time last year. The run up to the 21st knowing it was significant and desperate for something to happen and needing it to be positive and knowing deep down that it wouldn't be but wouldn't be the worst thing to happen to us either. The sources, the messages that it would be different this year.  How much have we banked on that..The same date. Dude keeps saying it was the 14th and looking down about it. It's good he is feeling. I said we are going to have steak pie on Friday because that was one of her favourites and we will talk about her and make it special. She would of been fine if it wasn't for all the horrific abuse and abusers. We posted two big boxes of parcels for up the road today she would of been glad. We feel sometimes we should of made the effort to see her more but it was beyond too much. We couldnt forgive her for not perusing treatment and for the way she told us straight after Laura died when we already knew. We really just had nothing left. Not for her. Not for the kids. We have a little more now. And hopefully more on the way.


December 13, 2016

trust

It was a great relief when N phoned and asked if it was ok to just give us more money. We didnt even have enough left for today's baccy and couldnt of asked for more. I'm still paying for tonnes of data I needed when in hospital and forget to pay the rent difference.  We do need to be a bit careful though because next week is rubbish week and the asda shop is delivered the same day as the early benefits but we will need to leave enough in the bank to make sure there are no food related tradegies finding out whatever asda substitutes there will be is hairy enough. Might need to wait until then to get more weed to. He hasn't given us enough money to drink and smoke and eat like we have been already for the next three weeks but its likely we wont be wanting much for long. He want's to give him presents himself so we have to set some aside for him to give on Boxing day. Think we will go for the lego dimensions stuff and some playmobil. We have failed on the plushy front this year but never mind he will probably still be watching that often totally inappropriate you tube show that uses a plush baby Bowser amongst others next year anyway..

Tomorrow we venture forth to get craft stuff for up the road and Argos is doing three for two on the lego dimensions. We have been having the now traditional approach to Mondays in December but Tuesdays are different we need to shop so he needs to go to school. We didn't go to the nativity again but at least he was there. Stealing the show with his comedy singing we heard from a girl in his class who obviously finds him really annoying and doesnt mind saying so.

We read A Christmas Carol. It is something we do and enjoyed immensely. We've read it aloud in ships and places far far away many times. As always. Just wished it was longer. And are thinking about reading more but we are mostly just focused on rampant materialism and indulgence. You would be proud. We have The Quantum and the Lotus gathering detritus and will get to it soon also still keep thinking about Sophie's World but are too scared its the bastards packed it with triggers and we are not big enough yet to handle it.

Hope your coming back to us soon. And not just because we are so up in our own head and far beyond that the dude needs someone. Anyone..

I know people probably want us talking about specific things and their significance but it's been such a long road it's hard for there to be much left of anything but words especially. It wasn't something we could talk about much they kept such tight reigns on us. To be writing and thinking about it now is so significant to our understanding of our self and our past. More barriers down. But we remember them saying how every day we were alone was a day they had won, a day where they had us and how it got to us and never left. They were very good at the self fulfilling stuff.

Different files in different peoples hands now though. The worst of it all ready dealt with or we wouldn't be saying anything. We know that at some level some part must know that they don't have us any more and it will spread out to other parts other levels in time.






December 11, 2016

Nostra

Orders are to keep spirits up as much as possible so we are dutifully spliffing up lovely stuff lots and have initiated brandy season. There's a lot to be relieved about. To be at the end of 2016 and not the start of it or some time long before it.  Trump, RA, Russian fascists. There's not much on RT we can stomach now but we do try because they do have some good stuff sometimes but mostly its Al Jazeera or CNN if they are talking about the obvious lies and dangers of Trump. 28th of March 2012 or whenever PaedoBritain day was when we published the lists. And so much else and said see you end of 2016.. Meaning of course that we would be safe enough to be awake enough by now and enough of what they wanted had happened that there was nothing to loose in remembering.

Digging around in Russia wasn't tolerated after the fall. Neither was battling or defending myself or anyone else from traffickers and they were some of the worst. They became the worst when we managed to through enough spanners it the works of all the rest. There was them and what they personally and directly supported. The B.B.C, the media, the porn, the music industry. Taking out the systems that made and supported them just emboldened them but we knew we had to keep doing it the systems had us to. The off terra support. Now mostly if not totally gone.  Really? Blimey. That is worth a brandy honey tea or two.. fuck sake.

The ops we ran to make everything evil as fuck down here think it was all going very differently. Massive, complex intricate affairs involving thousands to millions of people. All that is over? Fuck.

All the work we would do would feel so meaningless. Anything good meant punishment long term back here and where ever else they took us before hand. When there was lots of Russian speakers we knew they were running out of middle men or had rattled them. We can't remember what the direct cause was but declaring war on Russia over Christmas 87 from the Glen seems like one of the things we almost always know. We were getting somewhere with English Conservatives and dealing with child sexual abuse and they annihilated it and much else besides.

What now? Can't the lists in that much detail but we remember the impression that it all started to get a lot better in 2017 and beyond. Not sure any of this means anything for us in short term practicalities.. Hmpf.

The memories of the shows. We are a long way from getting tired of them. There are so many.. They keep as warm just as they are supposed to. Even if we can't work. We hired the best. We have sit back let them do their job and keep spirits up..




December 04, 2016

December

He was one for encouraging us just to write and not care about it whether it was us or if it was true or not because it all helps us get to a place where we are us more and are grounded in reality instead the "truths" we have when we are too scared and in too much danger to remember..

The tree is up. It took ages and we remembered another reason why we like real ones you don't have to pull out each and every branch. Its six feet, reduced to fifty pounds glittered tipped and scratched up our hands like a real one. Pablo was as enthusiastic as he usually is about decorating it but he did make a pile of decorations for me to put up and put on his customary piece of tinsel that I don't want on it because I want the beads but he will notice if I remove it. We bickered a little but not too much as we have learned that he thinks Christmas is a bit messy and unnecessary.

It looks pretty great. We got even more wooden pine cone hemp string dangly things for the walls that were painted this year in the post hospital mania its all lovely in the livingroom. The kitchen is started. We have tidied up a bit, swept the floor and washed the bit the cats had repeatedly pissed on and put up our fake greenery and the lights we bought this year. Its hard to stay on top of it in there but we accept that and know it doesnt take much to tire us out and we will push it and end up in a real mess and how much better it is to avoid that.

Christmas for the kids up the road has been dawning on us. Poor tykes. Presents need to be sent. We can do that. Once we get more money and can order some. They are sitting in our amazon basket waiting for available funds. Prices rising.

We do love our Spotify in December. The spiritual list we do love that shit and it brings back rehearsals and celebrations that have happened in all kinds of far away from here places. Fabulous celebrations. People are often pretty receptive of our message of a multi cultural Winterfest.






November 29, 2016

So far I just can't see.

Did pretty well today. Didnt turn off the alarm we had set half an hour early so we could go in the shower before town and order from somewhere that is selling a dude xmas present cheap when everywhere else that selling it have sold out. All going well he well be getting both Skylanders imaginators and Lego Dimensions. And a heap of other shit. Aiming to spoil him, N agrees and its definitely going to be his best Christmas in terms of presents. The shower was a bit ambitious but the orders were made and we went into town after dropping him off at school. Standing waiting for the bus we wondered about driving before remembering we couldnt afford it and we cant rely on our concentration.

In town we picked up some decorations and toys we hoped would be small enough to fit in the pockets of the advent calendar Margo made. Went to greggs but couldnt really stomach the mocha or lorne in a roll but ate and drank at least half. When we got home we were quite excited to see which of the little presents fit, wrap them and hang up the calendar.  Margo made the calendars and put christmas tress decorations in the pockets to hang each day and we have always wanted to put little presents in and have it all ready for the first but have never managed before. He's quite excited about it. He says he still believes in Santa and I believe him. I hope he wont hate me for lying..  I would of been subtler but Laura and Margo were never keen on that and when the kids were little and together at Christmas you can't really be telling them different things.

We got a letter from Grace and Tommy which brought up a lot of mixed feelings, glad that they are both alive but worried for them with such a horrible family, it triggered long term feelings of powerlessness over their safety and our own to. It brought a big smile to Pablo though and that was great to see. We will try and send up some tokens for their Christmas we arn't expecting anything for Pablo from any "adult" up there but it would be good to send them something to say we are still thinking of them.

We even txted friends from the ward. One of them phoned back and we answered, sounds like she is doing really well and we talked about meeting up. Promised ourself to phone another girl we have avoided calls from recently because she has so much energy and we are miserable. The CPN has arranged for the antidepressants to be put up. It's November and that is never much fun but we arnt in the self slashing place we were last year. Just miserable. A lot. Bullshit is being unpicked and truths rediscovered personally and there isn't any fears about doing or not doing something that would bring about a Trump presidency because thats already happened which is depressing as is the MSM supported rise in right wing white nationalist populism anywhere. It disgusts us. Deeply.

The not unexpected death of mad bastard Fidel hasn't exactly helped raise our spirits. There are people who feel as we do about the education and culture Pablo is getting. Hearing Western Capitalists claim a moral high ground on human rights isn't something we can tolerate. We know. We have and are experiencing their horrific crimes, their cover ups, their endemic corruption, their violence, their experiments, their systems of oppression, their theft and the hopelessness and voicelessness that results.

We are regretting our tweet about footballers and how it would off been much braver if they had disclosed to press when they still had careers. It wasn't Eric Bristow level of cuntyness but it was close. Raped footballers became rapist footballers in some cases, we were triggered and obviously felt some need to be horrible. Not that we have spotted any of our or Louise's rapists as the ones talking now but just like before we don't expect the scale of offences against children and gang rape in eighties or nineties in Britain to be exposed.

What else can we write about? We aren't reading but have ordered something that interests us and that means we were interested which is positive. We are struggling to hope for change, for contact but we are currently weedless and its often the case that we feel that way without it. We are grounding ourself in the wider realities of who we are and where we are from when we can but it all feels so far away with no means to get closer to anything or anyone. Nothing to do but wait and it feels like such as waste. Will put the decorations up over the weekend I think. That is something to do that will cheer us up and that means brandy season to if we can stretch to it, also a positive..






November 21, 2016

Until

Wish there was more money so we could bury ourself in materialism. Make the house like a grotto, go to shows, bewilder him with presents. And fill ourself with fine food and booze and weed until you get here. He would rather have his cousins anyway. 

We also kind of want to distance our self from whats been written here over the years. Not the space stuff of course that's real and makes sense or most of the rape.

We have been colouring again. A Christmas one we got last year. Still not reading and unmotivated to try. Supposed to have an appointment with psychology but ditched it. Its too cold and we won't be there enough for there to be much point in it. In the new year the anti depressants will have had longer to work and if we are still alone we will feel more able to make the best of it then. This year as been another highly traumatic year after many highly traumatic years its impossible to think what could happen next. Not that we can't daydream at all. Its scary and difficult but not impossible.

November 07, 2016

Dire

It's an uncomfortable restlessness that has bothered us today as well as the usual sinking low mood. We often notice that the time of day when we feel a bit brighter and less weighed down is about mid day. Its reliable enough that on really bad mornings if we remember to tell ourself we will feel better then we usually dont regret it. What can I do with that time though. It often only lasts about an hour before the thought of walking up to the school and standing around with all the noise has us trying not to cringe. We have been on the sertaline for two weeks now so if there is going to be any unpleasantness from them it will be about now.  Hate it when we can't watch Grey's Anatomy any more. Arn't listening to much music. Except Dire Straits occasionally. Glad we did that trauma theory reading but it's not something we are doing now. What the fuck do we do with our mind? It rejects everything I can offer. It's a big awesome mind and it's rotting.

Well maybe thats not entirely true DID complicates use it or lose and its not like we arn't making constant progress in reaching out and reintegrating parts of our self and the past but its not enough to help the unsupported CPTSD and situational depression. We feel the loses so much more than we do the wins. The wins are still out there happening to someone else the looses are here and now.

At least we are stable enough to take the meds and eat cook clean a little and sleep. We have made a start on the Santa shopping. For one. And there's going to be a conversation this week where we have to face what we were told in the hospital on the same hospital grounds and then bus it home alone.

It's the kind of thing that makes me pray for all the relationships we have or thought we had that happens quite a lot. We have to let go of so much to go through something like that. Too much to rebuild because everything is so different and too avoidable to leave any will to start something again.






October 19, 2016

Not For Earth

There isn't all that much we can say. We are slowly getting our mind back and are remembering who we are and where we have been, what we've done an who we did it with. Playing "Solid Rock" seems there was a lot of Dire Straits going on in places. We remember how we would celebrate if we got to the end of whatever ridiculous geological operation we were leading and no one died. So much spent uncomfortable in a crack in or between rocks. We brought people lighting tech, sustainable quality energy and hydroponics. Of course we are popular out there and when we weren' doing that were destroying all the Satanic bullshit minuscule or giant and putting stuff and people in places they needed to be.

Even though we almost always knew that the sources of anything that was good and real in our life was not local parts of us in the earlier times especially were so hopeful to find something that didn't confirm what we already knew about Earth's history and in the possibility of doing something out there that would change things down here. But more often as we got older we were happy to take that mission of looking for something that would change what seemed the mostly likely explanation from Earth with us there was a lot of overlap with our own mission anyway. It was awkward when we finally had to fess up when questioned about something that wasn't where they thought it would be and started explaining that after the inch by inch charting we had been testing out all kinds of highly destructive weaponry until there was nothing but dusk and a handful of rocks left.

There was a lot of disapproval and for a while there wasn't anyone on Earth being told anything and it wasn't as much fun anymore I was alone a lot. I no longer had support from Earth it was attempting to stop us and hunt us down. We don't know how many people were convinced of the truth that we were not being sent out there by people who wanted "the truth" there were plans for those sights we had seen them lived through a taster of what they did to people like me on them and knew how quick I was going to have to be to destroy them all before I got taken to one in state and would never leave. There has been some contact in recent years, some of it pretty emotional but there hasn't been much time to catch them up. I hope they got to keep their Atlases.

We did keep trying. All those agonies of realising this wasn't possible when we thought we were prepared for it. No matter what we showed them, what we told them, no matter what we destroyed or created the lies and the efforts to undermine our sense of self never ended, never took a break and it reaches us from so far. They would deny the basic facts of me standing in front of them, holding whatever we held in front of them saying the words we were saying. No information, no reality can sway them from the fictions they weave, they were made like that, that was what they are for because if they start responding to stimuli we had best get them out before something worse did and replaced them with something worse. We eggs and sperm to mostly marked as either male or female and nothing more and humans out to. Lucky bastards.

We can feel relief to now as well as the usual Earth terror. X knows about Y. A and B know about C. Dundee finally understands E. F wont me tricked by G anymore and we don't need to scared of H through to Z anymore. There is lots of life out there and most of it originally either escaped or was trafficked out of here. Beyond that we are too Earth bound to remember but it was the same everywhere, if I can help get them to a place where they could help us than they will. So we did and they have and we learned there was a "world" of people who were like us and appreciated us and were capable of so much growth and change. So much growth and so much change.

And your all coming back to get me out or make life liveable ASAP. I drew up names in their thousands. Sometimes agonising about who went and who stayed and other times just breathing deeply and zipping through it. Delegating and feeling so confident, so completely assured in everyone. It's going to be bad lonely though. Not on an important mission and have to get through lonely but in a bad place and something is going to get me if I move or if I stay still lonely.  

September 26, 2016

quite serious

We don't feel like we want to write much at the moment. Nothing has happened. The social worker hasn't been in touch which is a relief but I never know if I'm going to get a txt asking to pop in and we have to try and destink the place. I missed the appointment over at the hospital to talk about Pabs went to the thing at the school that evening instead. There was no way I could of done both. Have the CPN this week who seemed ok she is bringing leaflets to groups and stuff that might help if I really have nothing else. Also have appointment this week with one of the psyches from the hospital. Were we really mental enough to have been having sex with one or two doctors we already knew from the rings? With everything that was going on? I have no idea but I do remember back in Dundee when I had a much more functioning head than I do at the moment telling myself our time in hospital was going to be an extreme time and not to worry about trying to figure out what did and didn't happen as it would be impossible without being well integrated.  We feel to stretched between believing we will not be left here alone for ever and believing it's entirely impossible we will be. It's so hard to push ourself to get out there in anyway and it's pointless if we arn't going to be staying here but we know nothing solid about where or when or how we are getting out so doing nothing also feels like a pointless waste of time and a cause of avoidable stress.

Almost everything we know about ourself is in conflict with everything else and we have always been worried that the abusers who said it would all cancel itself out and we would be left where the put us with nothing could happen. Especially when we think about things like this up coming appointment.  We seem to feel like we "have" to go. We also feel like we have some self care concerns. We also still utterly terrified of the NHS because of the lack or exposure and accountability. It's on Thursday. We can't see us being much more integrated or any more able to adult by then.



 

September 17, 2016

scary, don't know, smile and just normal

It's not gonna be for as long or so hard on us as it us been. Not matter how long this goes on for. Communications are developing internally and we won't be able to do that if they weren't developing externally because it wouldnt be safe enough. It's good to remember stuff like the mud between our toes and how snow wasn't as fun. How when we had been picked up in the states and then encapsulated by some alphabet agency within an agency. We were sorting out pictures that other uses had drawn.

 We talked about some of this with Jacqui so we maybe wrote about it back then but I dont think we were writing much about anything back then there was too much going on and more immediate things to fight for. They were a good team, think we were about five but were very scared especially to begin with but they seemed to care and mean it when they said they weren't going to let us go back to something dangerous if they could help it.  They were psychologists and child trauma specialists on the teams who were really good and understood looks already about being different people and learned about us really quickly. They had us drawing lots in particularly at the start but it wasn't until later that there was anyone who could organise any of it. We did it without asking and they could see us either smile or freeze up when we looked whatever we had drawn.  It didnt take them long to figure out that some of the pictures they assumed where bad memories because of the soldiers or the backgrounds that looked like they might be military weren't they were very much in the smile pile.

We were both worried and relieved at how quickly they seemed to figure so much out and how much closer to ourself and safer in our own skin we felt by talking about the drawings and helping them figure stuff out.  Later we told someone away from a group setting who was asking about one we had drawn of large bars of something that if it was a picture of a time when we were a slave we didn't think we would of drawn our hands in the picture also. We knew we were literally painting ourself future problems but we did it all to be human or to be able to be human one day and we knew it couldnt be helped and to try not censor to much. We knew we couldnt keep ourself sane any more than we could do all the work we needed to do by ourself anyway so we would be pretty candid about it when we were little. We thought we had to the first time we were found by police with lots of it. We thought it would end there but we would be ok and maybe end up safer if we just told the truth we were a kid after all. It didn't end there. They are some of my most trusted people still.

Not that we every thought of it as something that parts could just chat about. Some felt guilty that we were keeping something from people we felt close to until someone helped us to understand it was okay to keep somethings to myself I think they were probably trying to explain our right to privacy to us and were possibly stretching it a bit far. We were taken from them of course but made it back and saw some of them again. It wasn't easier to explain as we older of course. People would think it was something we had recently got involved with through people we were all working to get me away from. The disappointment in their some of their eyes made us really regret not having tried to explain to them when we were still little. It did start in away from our RA contacts but we as far as we know it was our mother who got us started and said we had no choice if we wanted to survive and not to pay her back and not to worry about the law.

Maybe we believed this more than it was true at times. We saw how close the drugs and the abuse networks were and knew we had to do everything we could to change that or there would be no way of ever dealing with the abuse. But like everything else there has been times when have been prone to loosing it all and have to either get it all back or at least people know they werent working with me and could be in horrible danger. It was the bloodline that makes it all go away and puts us here also though. But again maybe not as much we think. There's always more also extreme at play. But she told me I must never forget I was her daughter and its hard when your not sure about anything and almost everyone is almost always lying but she would open up to me and her mind was very real, and very amazing but she was always very clear with her words, life was hard enough nd violent enough for accepted Royals but it was even worse for bastards and never to trust anyone except my own men who I must trust with almost anything and they must trust me with everything.

When the figured out the soldiers werent always the bad guys in the pictures they agreed it was best to not talk about stuff that could help them be identified we really started trusting them. They had a boss who wasn't so nice of course as usual. We started being able to judge how evil the boss was going to be by how helpful the agents were. The better the agents the worse the boss. There were exceptions though. It must of been pretty horrendous on adults to have regular contact with children going through what we going through.

She could destroy all our fears that we would be abandoned in a "normal life" in an instance but it wasnt usually through reminding me of nice things. Of course when I saw or heard from her for real it triggered the amazing training and education she got us into whenever she could and we remembered them all as people instead of another colourful element in the shit storm that seemed to permanently engulf me that I was only sometimes aware of. There's no way it could all be true but we could get our heads around parts of it if be ignored everything else which of course isn't something I can do for any real length of time.

Of course there were people demanding in from early on. That mostly went the same way but at times they were organised and did us horrific physical damage and got in about out notes etc. and caused other major problems for years and must still be as I'm not currently writing this pool side in my own estate somewhere less north sea more med.

Can't remember what was in the "just normal" pile it would probably be too much for us right now. We are saying hello and not feeling to phobic of parts though. While still trying not ask ourself how much longer this will go on for. Like a kid kicking the back of the drivers chair and asking if we are there yet when we might have a good bit still to travel.

Dumb human brain.. ...


September 15, 2016

how can it be true?

We should be outside still soaking up the watery September sun but we weren't comfortable. We haven't been feeling very comfortable. Trying to figure out what happened in hospital is like when we were trying to make sense of whether or not Scuff is safe or horrifically dangerous. None of it changes the present or the immediate future anyway. The chores still need to be done and we still need to get him to school even though we dont feel its any more an appropriate or safe environment for him than we did back in June. Something can't be so wrong for me but right for him.

We are eating/drinking a lot of chocolate still which we know will contribute to us feeling bloated and sluggish. Hoping we should start to wean ourself of that before we start just eating butter whilst mainlining coco power. The current stuff we have hasn't been helping much which has meant its lasted us longer. We were promised grass but it was from someone who was eyeing up our meagre painkillers .. we will see I guess. Not buying more of this anyway and other guy is owe us money so he's out. Think we might need some really good stuff to pull us out of this and that like many other things might not be available to us at the moment. And that sucks.

We have been reading here and there. We have learned or rather relearned how chronic pain is not in the tissues its a pattern in the brain. A pattern they made us go over and over until the slightest thing triggers it.  They used brain mapping to quite successfully as well as part of anti humanitarian programs. Find out what someones brain looks like when they are overwhelmed, rinse and repeat. We learned we had to give up on everything and everyone to get through it. To think of no one and nothing, to stop holding or giving anything any value. Nothing is real. It's just another trick to torture us. Don't engage.

We have never really gotten out of that place. It's Skene, centered it seems on that bedroom in Skene but there were places before it and during like other normalish looking rooms in normalish looking houses but also in labs or in any place where you may find more than one or two masons so clubs of all  kinds, work places or industrial settings. They left us with our hate for most people but British people in particular who stood around in large numbers sometimes and did nothing and say nothing about all of it.  Afterwards we could switch back to a state that loved and hoped but it was a switch. It wasnt me. It was someone else who happened to live here. We did break down to one of the boys and tried to explain what they were doing and how well it was working we know he would of taken it very seriously and we don't know and can't remember what happened. Hate being so alienated from being me. Wish you were here and I can't do this alone. These low scared states are triggered by loneliness. I really can't fix them by myself.

September 12, 2016

Catastrophe for who?

We miss you. We miss the way we felt about our own reflection when your around. That's a bit narcissistic isn't it? It's still there, on some days more than others but we are afraid we will run out of it. We miss telling you to not be ashamed or embarrassed and you telling us we are ok.

We know we have talked about some kind of catastrophe. Something so huge that it sends ripples in a directions that are strong enough for even dumb traumatised human brain can pick up on. It was used by some of the managers, American mostly, really skilled above the sex slavery and local organised crime levels. We see it as something too big to ever see from a two eyed, two legged perspective. It seems white but that could just be a shroud or shield. When we try and take it down we cant make out what we are seeing. Lots colour and detail and movement that we are too dissociated to make any sense of. How can we ground this flesh and look without blindness or fa├žades on everything. We do though but its easy for her who feels and knows so much love. There is no believing or "trying out" fiction when we are properly wired to our own flesh. They refuse to fear the tech and we have had to or thought we had to keep them down at times because we didnt think they knew the threats and how hard they tried to keep them. This was always or almost always a mistake because they are the only ones who can fight that shit. They were only hope we had. The options were constant higher functioning or regular brain scrambling. Obviously going to end up fucked either way but what gave more chance of a future? The option more likely to keep us alive obviously. But as what?

 Whatever we do or don't do it was always going to profitable to some very evil people. There was no point of thinking about that when we were fighting for our life and our human uniqueness.  Once we got past that shit though we would deal with enough of it so it wasn't crushing our spirit twenty four seven. We always know that when we are planning on looking into something some of our serious parts all ready will be.

 We didn't talk to Niall again. We wanted to. A bit. But it is Niall so never been good on the talking. Not be able to even say "did you hear about Tommy" we are so unsure of ourself and this situation. We maybe remember talking to Pabs about it but since he's been backed he has only talked like he doesnt know and hospital memories are dubious anyway. We haven't corrected him. As we almost remember being clear on in the ward, we are not telling him everyone from the past life he thought he had is gone until we can show him a future. We don't feel quite as physically unable to discuss it as we have but still can't see it happening. Especially as we don't feel any more confident in his school or our ability to talk to them.

..The catastrophe is bigger than the death of one child.. all we know is something happens and then everything after is different. (Something somewhere slows done.)

September 10, 2016

Doing nothing is progress

No it isn't. How could it be? It's doing nothing while things remain undone.

Thinking about how when have had the chance to feel ok its because the amnesiac phobic day to day parts have been able to become mindfull in the present parts who accept all the parts that are around and their pasts.

The phobias can be so tricky. We must of been very badly hurt when they got a hold of one us and told us our life depended on us always being amnesiac and phobic of the extremes ourself and people around us were capable of. We think the phrase "central anxiety" may even of been used. It felt like an infection. It began before they began keeping us based here but the strong sense that we must forget or look away from anything extreme followed us back to the other places we were being kept. We were terrifyied of it and what could happen because we were looking away or forgeting things we did need to know, fiction is much easier to believe if you have no facts. We were worried it might be in us so much that we all had it until one time with the boys. Someone got really freaked out because someone on our side was lost and we were jubilant. We didn't look away. They guy was in pieces and we had looked away and werent forgetting. We kind of wished we had but thats ok its in the immediate seconds after that matter. We were both pretty distracted for quite a bit and thats wasn't a good idea but we got it together like never before and I wasn't worried. Not one little bit.

Massive amounts of phobias doesn't have to be pernament but of course the parts that have them are so dislocated that the also believed it when they were told that they were. We pretty much all have something we wont look on, all us human parts anyway and who wants to be an emotionalness recorder of events anyway?

September 08, 2016

boys

A lot of travelling to turn up some where and find out you were supposed to turn up half an hour earlier without the dude. Only half my fuck up. He spent the time we did have scratching his bites, messing around on his seat and refusing to talk about anything.

How do we stop hating the fact that we can't give him everything he needs? We could probably meet more of his needs if we weren't so aware of what we can't do. It's been built of course and forced on us and knowing makes it feel even harder to address properly.

When are we going to start feeling him easier to engage with now we are not barred from remembering baby Malcolm, Malcolm and Ben? Shouldnt it of happened by now? Bloody wet ware.

Thank god no one speaks to us and those who do don't ask questions much. Couldn't give a vague but confident overview of events on the ward like we could our life.. Fuck sake..There wasn't just a "Good Doctor" readers.. there was a "Bad Doctor" too. We woke up in the middle of the night and he wasn't there. Found him plataued in front of the telly. Curled up on his lap and watched something that made us laugh and he laughed to, mostly at us laughing rather than whatever it was we were watching. It ended and I started to feel wretched and he got us to munch down some pill or other and wash it down with whatever Doctory spirit he was knocking back. Can't remember what the pill was but it was fucking awesome.

...

Someone had to make sure they were here, they had to be here. They had to see it was all down. I had to see them. All that shit had been between us for so long and for so many years there was only ever more of it and know it was all gone. I had to see them before we could let go. We knew. Then there was a tap at door and everyone knew it was them even if they didn't know who my "boys" were. My god they don't look like boys any more but they so still are. We talked about how we could remember how we had unique cry for each one of them and the time when we kept making a fuss and slowing everyone done and the place we were headed to got hit with some serious missiles as they approached. A life time of questions from all sides and in so many ways "how could you know?". We weren't talking about that now though. We told them it matter when some of us forgot because someone had given us the tapes so we could watch it over and over and it we always knew it was us because we would recognise our cry.

All that very real terror. It's not like an attempted rape or murder attempt.. if someone points that at us and pulls this or pushes that it's all over for us. Just over.. That terror to be removed is quite something.

September 04, 2016

Its all been said before.

We knew the routine, out and about drive wouldnt last long after we got out of hospital and got Pabs home. Not when there still isnt any support. A social worker who refuses to hear why psychiatry does more harm than good is not support and a PTSD diagnosis without the C and the delusional disorder still standing is more insult to injury rather than a step in the right direction Dr Tilly. How are we supposed to not be further triggered by that? I don't even know if PTSD has been given as a formal diagnosis and wont want to ask whenever we do see a doc that reminds us of being an inpatient because we are not strong enough to accept there is nothing we can do about it any way.. He's still covered in flea bites and looks more like you everyday but I guess after everything you have been through it's really important you get some time to yourself.. But don't tell yourself we are ok cause we aren't. How the fuck could we be?

We told you no child is safe up there Chris and now you work in child protection.. As always Fife healthcare and authorities you cover your own asses at the expensive of the vulnerable and keep people speechless..

Managed to get out for an hour though. In the park we saw a school pal of Pabs say hello and reach out and put a hand on his shoulder, Pablo flinched. Pain and isolation keeping us in emotional flashback state all we could do was focus on not bursting into tears.

All the stuff we do to keep ourself present like tensing and relaxing muscles doesnt help much when whenever we tense anything our uterus cramps along with it. It the same when we focus on our breathing. It feels like the deeper we breathe the more we are agitating the source of the pain. Ticked the box for diazepam on our repeat prescription form, the pain killers we get are not enough to stop the flashbacks spreading to the other side of our brain and giving us some visuals and sensory details. But they aren't flashbacks are they NHS? They are paranoid delusions and we are probably making up or exaggerating the pain anyway because we have a history of drug seeking and addictions don't we?

Tonight we go back to Fallout 3 through. Its good that can do that again. We do fear the way the pain comes back with vengeance whenever we are no longer distracted by it.  Maybe the mini pill is not a good idea we will give it a bit longer though before we give up on it. Don't feel like discussing any of this again with GPs at the moment because we don't any interactions that mean we go home and cry even more and feel even more helpless and invisible afterwards.

We are gonna try rest now. Then tidy up the kitchen, sort the washing, make the tea, clean up after tea, get Pabs in the shower and then to bed whilst trying not to seem to miserable, desperate and in pain.

Goddam supplier dude owes us money and hasn't supplied. Obviously not helpful. Hate how crappy normal day to day shit that happens to everyone gets piled on top of all the horrificness that doesnt happen to everyone and makes it all seem that much more impossible to deal with.

Is it true the crap with numbers and names disappearing from our phone is over? There is no way for us to know from here. Everyday is step forward even if there is no proof and it doesn't feel like it.

Anyway. Nap time. We have domestic chores to ache our way through so the house stays tidy enough for us to not be triggered by mess as well as everything else and for social work to decide we don't need their 'support' anymore.

Hope it rains. And rains hard for a very long time.

September 02, 2016

You will always be in pain Quine. We are gonna make sure of that.

At the moment we are in a place where even if our mood isn't at its absolute worst when we wake up we dread the pain we will feel after our morning pee and the worse pain after the morning poop. How are we supposed to get ourself out of permanent emotional flashback when that is going on? We ticked the box on the repeat prescription form for the piddly amount of diazepam we haven't asked for it since getting out of hospital but when we went to the chemist this morning the 10mg co-drydramol was there but no diazepam. Because painkillers that give you constipation are exactly what you need when your pain condition is made worse by pooping. There are softeners somewhere they do help.

After so long in the hospital where completely under the 26/02/79 abuser controlled NHS files we can't bare the thought of going to see a GP never mind the CPN or the psyches. Was so relieved yesterday when we got the call to cancel wee mans appointment and the new one offered for same time as the psych. We are not relishing the thought of taking him back there even if at least one of his docs seems quite human.

There is so much anger. We are slowly letting us feel all the fear we have for Malcolm. The man who so many of littles are in love with or who parts have been programmed to make them feel in love with to mask the terror and trauma memories. At least we can't be pushed back to being in a state where we can't think or remembering anything about him without the rest of us being amnesiac of it. So many of the people who came to hurt or kill us left the hospital in bags and that makes us much less scared of his contacts. Plenty of the worst of course are still alive, particularly the ones who were given high profiles but we don't feel like  they are as unreachable as they have been.

We saw some of our good people in the hospital to. We know they will be coming back but we dont know when but we know they are working hard for us and themselves. Hope we are contacted by someone who is safe and loves us soon. In meantime we enjoy the house and the comforts and try not push away all the past away or let it flatten us completely.

Some of us just thought we was a caring worried doc, some of us were having sex with him, some of us were dreaming about marriage and she says "Are you not an anesthetist?" Because she remembered he was he the anesthetist when we were younger he was trained in using it to stop us fighting. It's so devastating for the littles who love him to accept what he has done, what he was doing, what they turned him into. So hard for them to even look at Pabs when they keep seeing Malcolm in him which of course makes us feel so guilty. We will do what we can to make sure that don't feel alone like they had in the past, as much as we can until help arrives or starts to phone us again and we don't need to do this alone anymore.

August 31, 2016

It's September tomorrow

We often have to take a break from the books when we start getting clearer pictures of abusive outside DID management. So often we are not phobic of the trauma parts as there are parts who are phobic about the consequences if they don't stop amnesiac and non amnesiac parts from interacting. We worked through so much but then they would push us back again, in the hospital of course was the last time, there were phone calls and people turning up that we couldnt handle without outside help. When we came round and they were putting a noose around our neck, was the closest but there were other times to. Parts were flashbacking and blind didnt know what was going on. If it wasn't for the kid screaming I'm not sure where we would of got the will from to fight hard enough. She did though and we did and are still here to vaguely write about it and how quickly we switch from lost child to omg im so glad you just tried to kill me i was totally loosing the will to live there..

She's alright she stays connected to parts that feel quite spiritual and they help her not loose her self and the rest of us with her in nihilistic sarcasm.  Through their designs and our own work trauma parts don't come alone. They of course want them to all come with very powerful critics or whatever keeps them in a state of panic and most likely to make other parts be phobic and abandon them. It was amazing to hear what we have done with that system. Instead of someone spouting and showering hate on them triggered parts hear the voices or see pictures of whatever calms or lifts them. Instead of a fighter part being told "good girls don't fight" and "you know what they are going to do you for that." we hear voices saying well done for keeping us safe and trying to make them laugh to bring them out of flashback. To have other people around to help us with us its always so good but have to mourn the loss of so much more when it's over. The more you stay the more I'll get better and the more I'll be able to fight.. Everything is almost always ridiculously complicated and everyone has major post trauma conditions and ongoing traumatic relationships that have everyone trying to keep their chins above water though all the endless intentional triggering of the most programmed of the trauma holders.

It is worth reminding ourself that there was a lot of all kinds of trauma on the ward and we had to focus of getting out so trying to remember or make sense of any of took a back seat. "Please don't be human to us if you know you are going to leave us here." It's an old line but we used it in the hospital but I think it might of been from a place that thought she was still on a Savile ward there was a lot going to to encourage her to think that. We managed to remind her he was dead and we made a statement about him and that helped her a lot, she was so proud of us. It didn't matter that we gave the statement to an abuser and the police were almost all still abuser controlled, she knew that she was just so glad we had done everything we could.  When she calmed a part that must of been stuck behind her joined the conversation about doing things that make you feel like you haven't abandon yourself because the worst of the depression and the way programmers get in is by finding parts that feel hated or ignored by all other parts. We pretty much knew this but she said it so eloquently and so humanely many where quite in awe of her until someone walked in the bay and said something. We really resented the interruption.

Someone definitely found a way in during programming to make us triggered by being left into feeling completely used and abandoned by everyone. There was a lot to us that we couldnt and wouldnt let the Brit rings or the worst of the American's know about so had to keep parts amnesiac and this led to those who had no experience of these other worlds feeling very abandoned. They really had nothing and no one and are too hurt to be able to understand why we couldn't help them, as we are too hurt now to be able to understand why we have been left alone.












Abandonment

Whatever we write about there is also more detail and more extreme content in our minds. There are so many no go areas in terms of what we can think about and what we can write. Saying that though even in terms of just what written there isnt any sense of being in any kind of family unit/home in the really early years and if you don't have parents you can't be abandoned by them. Of course we felt it and trusted people but learned very early that any care given was either grooming and from someone only doing so because they were instructed to or from another slave who might mean to be safe but certainly couldn't stop much harm from coming to us. Bonds between slaves can be very strong though especially between a child and and a adult in a vault/institute/warehouse.  Some of the Scottish memories are Louise's or other girls we were all forced to imagine over and over that something we saw or where shown was us using drugs and DID management can give you really strong memories of being somewhere you weren't or doing something you didtn't years later.

We felt abandonment of course when hurt and alone in a cage, during assaults and procedures or when being hidden somewhere for a long time during travel but it didn't take a hold of us until later. The real sense that we were always going to be a slave and always going to be subjected and extremely abused didn't take a hold of us so deeply until the Brits had us under their domestic scene and the pressure to forget everything else was full time. There was to much change and to many good bonds even if we didn't see them much there was communication but this go so much harder in the early nineties. Somehow it all was lost and the rapists and the breeders and the torturers had us full time. There was always that difference between British and American agents, the Brits did much of the worse most destructive work on people while the American's did much more grooming and we felt such hate and abandonment  for the American's who had gained our trust when we were little while working to put us in permanently in the worst of the sex slavers, breeders, domestic abusers and traffickers. The situation was to bad for "when this gets out they will be in so much shit from our friends" to survive twenty something years ago.

When we get down it the real sense of abandonment is probably more on the systems that caused to exist and live through so much torture and the abusers rather than blaming other slaves or specific slavers for to long. We know we use this to avoid looking at how we feel people may of or did let us down badly. Too kept like that and raped with no way to escape you loose all real sense of a connection to anything before or outside of what is happening. 

August 30, 2016

Thriving

We haven't done much today. Got Pabs off, crawled back into bed, no books or writing this morning. We have been thinking about Baby Malcolm. It would of been obvious that was where we were heading that way with the stuff we have been working with. Integrating Baby Malcolm's existence with parts that came into being since then and reaching out to ones still stuck there.  It's was that that made us Scottish that got us in this state where we can't escape a sense of being victimised, hated and powerless and if we remember anything its only ever the bad.

  It was kinda cool in the hospital to go trigger big Malcolm a few times then take out our phone and ask again, "Where's the baby?" and see his flashback vanish and him smile as a child again and point to Pabs picture. "There's the baby." We did so well the to of us looking after and hiding him as two dissociated slave mental kids for as long as we did. He was thriving, we were thriving. Neither of us of has since. The autopsy guy used the word like Pabs health visitor used to, thriving. After he said it during the autopsy and over Malcolm all butterflied out he looked up at us and said something about it not being just that that made him think there was something different about this compared to all other kids I had taken to him. Then he looked at the guy and it clicked and he told us to get the fuck out the suite and we came to briefly and said something about not being well but what else could we do? Think we might of fainted and were carried out babbling after that but not sure we might of just turned turn round and walked out in the same haze we walked in.






August 29, 2016

back to looking at the vast mountain range that is everything and everyone we need to grieve

Cancelled the CPN. She isnt the one in Dundee who laughed at our disclosers and said it was ridiculous when we said we were trafficked by DJs and involved in the Dundee rings herself. Still though. Not travelling and spending money to present them with an opportunity to push us down. Rather stay home with duvet and books and get some actual positive work done.

As well as read about inner and outer critics and grieving we swept and washed the kitchen floor then went for a pokehunt after school. Wish our outer critic would get off wee man's case. We know she is covering up for all the anger we feel about everything we went through with him at the hands of other people and everything we went through apart to. We don't know what to do with that anger. We know she is flashbacking to times when no matter what we were put through the night/days before we were expected to look after other children the next day. We know she is flashbacking to the abandonment felt as child who was not only being physically, sexually and emotionally abused she was also pregnant and kept away from any healthcare and felt the abandonment and fear for the unborn to. They told her how they were going to rape and abuse and sometimes kill the baby to. That is the state we find ourself in so often. Extreme helplessness, Extreme abandonment and a brain that can't or wont tell me how to save myself and my young it's too busy dissociating and fighting itself.

 Junior is a reminder of the lives they didn't have and we feel guilty that they didn't, he is also a reminder of duty and how we have to fill his needs as a child before or own and feel that is just what abusers expected of us to, if the children didnt behave properly is was sometimes us that was punished, he is of course a reminder of the life we didn't have he is nine and we feel very sure that is about the age the pregnancies stated for us, we hate ourself for not being able to have prevented his existence and not being able to keep him safe or find him somewhere safe or meet all his needs. We are stuck in the moments when we got him back and knew he was different to the one we let stay with family or the one took from us. A lot of terror we can't shake off. A lot of resistance to being close to him. Why have they left us alone and together? They only do that when they are planning something that requires me to have bonded and feel safe and empathise with whoever they have left me with..Just can't shake off that holding room feeling.

We keep still wanting you and then being sad that we your not here then scared that us wanting you might make you turn up when your dangerous and not safe for us to be around. Rings work so hard to mess with all the grieving processes. If they think you have accept any lose they will try and give you taste of the past again or what might of been just to keep you steeped in false hope. We learned a lot about what healing meant and what it needed and how it worked by seeing what the emotional abuse was aimed at and doing the opposite of whatever we were told to do.






August 28, 2016

The abandonment depression.

Well this weekend shows we have a long way to go when it comes to managing our time and energies. We are tired out from housework anyway but have probably gone a little to far with the reading and writing and not far enough with the pokemon hunts and engaging wee man. It's not just the perfectionism drive to get approval from ourselves and outside sources at how quickly we can remember and work our self out again its the urgency drive to. We know that when we are in a state of mind that can do something well or can focus and repeatedly come back to something without having to force our self that it wont last for long. We need to make the most of it before we dissociate differently, we are traumtised again or might die and loose the ability to do whatever we are doing. We were hiding in the book and the writing today to hide from feeling unable to do some of the things we wanted to do with his this weekend.

We don't expect to deal with the critic and doom monger that trigger us so much around dude to disappear overnight now that we understand more about how and why they are so triggered and triggering but we do think it will get better. We hate so much that he gets exposed to the critic to and get stuck on a loop being utterly unforgiving to ourself for not being able to hide it from him which just makes the critic even louder and all consuming. We skipped over the part in Walker's book that goes in depth with the four fs. We are remembering to clearly the scenes where people tried and sometimes managed to take control over these instincts and direct the nature of the cptsd or even micro manage responses to planned traumas and stresses. What we don't feel particularly phobic about is facing the goddam inner critics.

There is a daily one who is bad enough but there is also another one that only comes out during non "day to day" events who is even scarier. We were up against him/her last in the hospital we have no clear recollection of what we were doing but we would take a guess it would be to do with contacting people and disclosing. We say she/he because they shift the voice depending on what ever scares the beejus everyone the most and s/he boasts about being able to do just that. We had answer's worked for her though we could glimpse all the times she had laid as low and it was devastating but then we started having a sense of talking to a bunch of blokes in like an aircraft hanger and felt our sense of self raise and told s/he that it was the collect voice of a violent and sadistic abuse ring and all the fear and terror they had caused but on this occasion we were not going to listen.

we actually wrote "carrier" there (then went WTF and deleted it) maybe should of just let it be.. Dropping the military/technical/science part phobias.. there will be many WTFs before we deconstruct the cynic, the critic, and all the fs that cause us to WTF over own work and feel utterly unable and not allowed to understand any or all of that work (while of course feeling like we must ASAP)..

We are on tooth fairy duty tonight and are feeling sad for ourself. We were pregnant and still loosing baby teeth but we weren't completely alone another victim was with us. He was all split to and would try and look after us sometimes. We would be so scared we would get to attached to him because we knew they would be planning something with us or they would not be leaving us together so much and whatever it was was going to be awful. Not sure what is planned for us both next but we don't feel like we will be dragged along behind our own nervous system and learned responses like we have been. It was when they took you away that the only good thing about waking up where we were had gone. It went on forever. Long enough that its the main part of the "abandonment depression" (p159) during the other times because we would find hope somewhere but not in Scotland without you after all that and with all that was going on.

emotional flashbacks

We are loving Walker's Surviving to Thriving..

Particularly the stuff about "emotional flashbacks" and these being a huge thing with Cpstd defined as "sudden and often prolonged regressions to the overwhelming feeling-states of being abused/abandoned child." (p.3). We understand our D.I.D being stages beyond Cptsd and where these emotional flashbacks have been constantly triggered so that this state of "overwhelming fear, shame alienation, rage grief and depression" and very easily triggered flight or flight instincts become the norm. We have been told that it is only when we are in these highly emotional traumatised states that we are "ourself" because it seems the only rational response to everything we have been through and everything that is going on. As aspects of us have felt is we are not in constant state of emotional flashback we are not honouring the dead, taking part in a culture of silence or making it easy for abusers to reach us because the only alternative to being in a severely stressed state is believed to be total amnesia because there is so many phobias in trauma holding parts.

Also of course was relieved of course to read the bit about misdiagnosis and how if post traumatic conditions were correctly diagnosed the DSM would be a much lighter tome (p.8) and how learned behaviours are not "innate characterological defects" and can be unlearned the labels people like me are diagnosed with which are "incomplete and unnecessarily shaming" (p9). It's so validating to know other people are seeing and experiencing the world in similar ways to us especially on the matter of psychiatry which triggers so many hard to get out of trauma states and emotional flashbacks for us.

Been about thinking the fight/flight/freeze/fawn response and about how the worst emotional states come under those four nervous system responses. Parts of us are involved in choosing which response is appropriate in any emergency and its control of those parts that abusers aim for. Walker says "these four modes become elaborated into entrenched defensive structures that are similar to narcissistic [fight], obessive/compulsive [flight], dissociative [freeze] or codependent [fawn] defences (p.13). When we read this we can see how the time and procedures where shared out between abusers to split us up permanently along these lines in ways that only they would have keys to inner communication and integration.

More chocolate and caffeine are required..




books are good

Quite heavy work that listing and identifying parts. We can feel how much some feel like they haven't been included. Like most of the non English speakers, scientific and technical parts who experience levels of integration and system awareness that we can't imagine from here. Seeing us write that we feel how left out they feel helps them. Knowing that you don't know parts of yourself who have complex lives and loves and the deep estrangement this creates is an emotional state we know we have been told to stay in and be triggered to return to often. We also know we have made commitments that need high levels of integration to be able to meet.

It's worked out really well Walker's Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving arriving. There is plenty of work to do at the level of thinking about complex trauma without remembering all the instructions and grooming it feels safer to be thinking in more general terms about how Complex PTSD works with or without ritual abuse and DID managers. Really liking it. Liking being in a place where there isn't total phobia about the complex ptsd, the DID and everything accept for denial, avoidance states and emotional states.

When we have read cptsd stuff before one of the things that made it impossible because the often talk about family homes and parents. The role they talked about interms of seeking acceptance is one that in our world best fitted the people who were training and programming but we were phobic of thinking about our childhood where "parents" meant a network of people involved in abusing, enslaving children and older or adult slaves. The denial day to day response is to think about the Scottish family which was of course a toxic and horrifically abusive environment. As neither response was acceptable to the parts that are perfectionist because neither are preciously "true", normal and acceptable, inclusive enough. .. So many different ideals of perfectionism to try and maintain. How many "parents" were we trying to get acceptance from? Awful.

We are beginning to be able to see all as "true" to different parts of us and accept their histories and not to catastophise so much when we can not figure out when they are from, we have figured our a lot and more will work itself out as long as we keep looking after our self and over time.

We are eating and drinking a lot of chocolate and. Even been dabbling in coffee again. It's a lot to have survived and a lot to process. We wouldn't say we are confident of everything that did and didn't happen in the hospital but we feel we are getting a better understanding of it. Slowly of course. We can't bully parts into giving up their histories like outside people have.

Time for more cake... and coffee..

August 26, 2016

The ones they can't reach and the ones we can't protect.

What else have we got? Speakers, there is a strong sense often when we make statements or are in meetings of this is my job and I believe and love my job whenever we speak.  I think they are parts that grew out of other much more trauma stuck parts after being helped and showed how by outside people. They encouraged us to look at parts and see what they needed and introduce them to other parts so they could support each other. So a part that was forced and trained to feel and hear nothing but questions and do anything to answer them for abusers who had the keywords and procedures so only they could bring them out and putting them away could grow being part of a group who were eloquent and very good at receiving information but not at other parts expense like a petrified isolated E.P would.

Think from here we see parts that are "allowed" or can be seen and parts that are supposed to only influence or help but never speak or show themselves. Many of them of them were created for jobs through the ritualised torture and keep themselves behind the scenes because they feel their traumas would be too much for most other parts and because the some of structures forced on parts during all the decades of torture and mental abuse are still present and still very much being triggered. There is at least one who will come out, speak and does know a lot about what is good for us but not always individual parts of us but day to day parts are mostly used to her swanning around doing pretty much whatever she likes because she usually knows what she is doing and understands where she has been when the rest of us know we have no idea what she has been through and how she managed to survive and thrive after.

Of course when this kind of trafficking where people force and instruct victims into having specialist parts to do all kinds of jobs who are supposed to be E.Ps but it doesn't always work like that. We can see the outside systems gave us a lot of helping these parts integrate but can remember how awful it feels when they are not. There are outside bastards who like to try and force us into the states we would be in if we never had any help at all and they have the run of the mill here in Scotland it's why we have parts that had to stop our healing skills to protect us from these outside bastards. These parts are now saying they are downing tools because they arn't needed anymore. It's good but we are bit unsure if its because the bastards don't have the power they used to or because we are permanently stuck in a state that the bastards are happy with. Cynical me needs help. But we don't think we have what she needs or can give her what she wants because it's the outside world that made her cynical not us. She wants the outside world to make her less cynical but we will try and think of ways to help her.

Social worker is coming round later. We cancelled pysch yesterday but can't get out of this besides we are enjoying keeping the house clean at the moment and hearing her acknowledge it. It's so much better after the painting and now the anxiety and amnesia is down we can do it feeling like it's just part of our day to day life not all of it. Our mind can wonder and remembers good things that happened and good people when we clean not just the bad and then suddenly finding myself cleaning like I would if being forced to clean when held somewhere. Besides. The bastard fleas and still going for dude and the cats were treated again yesterday so its a good time to hoover. Horrible things.. After we finish our mocha and this of course..



August 25, 2016

"keys"

Rest and appreciate what we have whenever we can.

There is the book case with our books and toys on it. Survivor work books with pages filled in others that took us from a lost place to one grounded and understood. Books relating to our degree. We would to like study again some day and maybe we will do a little reading today or maybe not it's good the books are there either way. There is also the photo of Pablo in the glass work frame in blues because we knew we were pregnant with Pablo but its pretty to thing to have even if we were wrong about who we were carrying. He's in the bath giving huge gummy smiles to his mum taking his picture. There tonnes of meaning and significance to loads of with it of course but it's easy just to appreciate it as a cute picture of a baby. We have colouring books and pens and toys on that book case to. We feel happy and proud to have collected and kept a hold of some many good books and toys. We feel some sadness about books that there is things missing but glad of the good work we have done. There is maybe some concern that we are not strong enough for what we have to do next but that is why it is good that we are resting. We don't want to do everything dissociated any more and the bookcase is full of tools that have helped us be less dissociated and can help lead us to what else we need.

When we can see past the role of the NHS and the triggers that lead to parts being told in the past that helplessness and hopelessness is all they will ever know books can really help. We reading Coping with Trauma-Related Dissociation (Boon, Steele Van Der Hart) and am really glad to see us responding to it and not just turning away. It talks about finding anchors and using awareness of objects in the room to help stay present its the kind of thing we do all the time and it becomes automatic. It's good to bring it back into our conscious awareness and focus again. It's good to feel it's safe to be self aware.

We have been looking at chapter three which looks at different parts and starts by differentiating between ones that are responsible for day to day functioning and being in denial and others types that are stuck in the petrifying past. We are really comfortable with the description of types and feel we would like to try and use it to map ourself out better. We can see now how it was parts in combinations that cause us to be really ill and how those combinations are forced together and manipulated. So good to not have that "can't face that" feeling about working ourself out its always comes with sense that we are letting ourself and others down and bad things are happening because we can't face ourself. We know those feeling come from parts who are still in hell and for whatever reason must stop us from doing any work and parts that feel responsible for everything that happens everywhere and we know the specfic moments when patterns took old but we know those traumas are here and other parts and see them. Our abuser imitator parts might be sarcastic about it but out helper parts have reached the hurt and petrified ones and they must be responding to them or we wouldnt be able to read the book so calmly or write this.

Cynicism and sick jokes are the abuser imitator parts we notice the most daily. Our day to day denial parts are iritated usually more than bothered by them they are aware of very central mom/leader type part who us told her something about the system we are in but mostly to not to worry about weird stuff, it's not our job to deal with that. I guess when we are really in a mess and falling apart in all kinds of dissociative types and states its when we cant feel this leader/mom part and are terrified. What happens to her doesn't feel like its the kind of memories that we have now accepted are there and will look at them more if and when we need to. They feel much more hidden, unreachable but of course we do know we have been ritually abused and have remembered  a good bit about what that can involve so that helps us feel less triggered by the amnesia. Shame parts, yep we have shame part/s who seem to come out freeze everything particularly over the amnesia and it being exposed. Rape victim shame we just don't feel like we did sometimes as a child or teenager but amnesia shame. We get it really bad and it of course makes the amnesia so much worse. They forced her to be an in emergency day to day duties part then told her she had to do that job forever when she is a amnesiac shame E.P. No wonder we couldnt cope.

There are definitely messenger parts with us. There are more than one. Some are better are giving information with whatever answer, message or instruction they have and are obviously helper parts to. Others are precocious teens that will only give attitude or silence if parts ask for more information. Think in the hospital a day to day part asked a messeger what was going on we heard a perfect teenage girl meltdown that parts had no problem recognising as themselves to. She expressed what everyone else was thinking at the time "I have no idea and every time I almost fine out something else happens that puts everyone back to square one with no idea who, where or what we are and how the fuck would I know and you not anyway". A mum kicked in eventually and soothed everybody just by talking slowly and confidently and getting everyone to be more mindful.

Book talks about "passive influence", the way "Any part may intrude on and influence the experience of the part that is functioning in daily life without taking full control.." (p26) .. We have a lot of paranoia about that when things are not good. Knowing our senses our perceptions could be being severely messed with. We were born into some very serious situations and all but the most amnesiac and repressed day to day stuff have at least some vague notion of this. Feeling unsure of your senses and unsure of in how much danger your in is also a really unpleasant place to live.

"And most parts that function in daily life are phobic of parts stuck in trauma-time." (p29) Isnt. That. The Truth. We talk all this talk about having DID and its like really cool we have accepted it and are making the most of it but its bollocks. Not that we are not proud of the fact that many of the attempts to trigger us into a trauma state don't work because of the work we do but there is still massive amounts of fear and uncertainty about what we are capable of and who we are. Still know we have no idea how far we would go to avoid something.

The worst phobias for us if we talking about amnesia being the main sign of phobia in the day to day parts is the fighters. The fighters themselves have to be able to get any information they need quickly they are not amnesiac of very much. There are fighters that are from before and after certain breaks and they can be strangers to each other but usually they don't say much and know everything. They are desperate to be seen by the day to dayers they hate the low self esteem and the weakness they feel and also just need their work to keep everyone safe recognised. They do tend to know that there are day to dayers that feel the same way and are desperate to see them but the amnesia is thick. We get little flashes that must be of someone else and have to fight to know anything before its all cleaned up and back to normal. We also speak to parts to do know the fighters though and they carry a heavy burden being the go between parts who for some reason cant reach each other directly but who need to and who keep reaching.

It's not our own violence that is the issue its their history. The switch between being mostly amnesiac and being mostly not we from here anyway can't build any bridges even though we have had to do it thousands of times. We generally have had the attitude that its being very directly abuser enforced because over the years there has been many times we have managed to watch it happening to see how unnatural and forced it sometimes was. We do believe we have been in places and situations where it didn't happen. It's very much a British thing higher end trafficking thing, slaves should never be aware of their own potential.. The greater their potential the more they must not know.

Cunts..

Intoxicated/medicated parts of course not mentioned so far but I think we will.. They can be the go betweens across lands and barriers no other bastard can. There is also that thing of feeling the effects or something you haven't taken. Parts would come to us when we were experimenting asking if they could just be called the name of drug from know on because they wouldn't be coming out without it again. Some meant it to. It's quite tricky trying to give yourself drug enhanced interrogations but we would tape ourself or get someone to ask certain parts questions after taking something to try and find something out.  We stopped experimenting because the day to day parts would fade away to quickly and it would be overwhelming. Something is needed sometimes to help when systems are overwhelmed of course though and when we think about how there was efforts to make sure we had only parts stuck in trauma being making any amnesiac life impossible through violence and control we understand the cannabis use.

So I guess I need to and I am tentatively organising and creating a functioning day to day present and anchored rather than dissociated and amnesiac part and move away from the utterly utterly exhausted trauma holders that through all the constant fucking attacks were forced to attempt to function with day to day responsibilities who are refusing to handover over full time to any parts who don't understand enough about what it means to be us "day to day" and how important it is to be moving away from amnesiac dissociation because of the all round anxiety internally and external vulnerability. It always breaks our heart when we have to from knowing and remembering to not knowing. The last time was in the hospital. It's always horrible having to force yourself under. No fun for anyone who cares about me to see it either.








August 24, 2016

I hate evil - me to

How do I feel it asks. How do I feel after reading about dissociation and being told by such books that I should be working with them with an appropriate therapist.  I feel anger towards the NHS and hundreds or thousands of health service providers that are covering up for Savile and co and every other NHS pay roll rapist. I feel dehumanised that disclosers are labelled as fantasies and delusions and real fear from real experience and understandings about hows rings work are dismissed as paranoias.  I feel very unsafe of course I do. I believe in national health services. I also know British NHS was and is a safe place for abusers and enablers who are not going to care about messing with files, have you seen what they do to people? They love to gloat and prove to you that it doesnt matter who you are and what you do a few words from a ring member in your file and no one will ever trust you even if your words are proven true. The words aren't needed anyway the culture is so seeped in victim blaming and bitter denial they can't help but hate you for speaking out.

He's gone. Of course he is gone. They got him when I was about three or four. Nasty brain damage, tonnes of programming so he could speak and eat, life on rails. His voice and his light went out like so many others but the flesh they keep to toy with and use as a weapon against others stays. As does some of their own words or the words they heard that was important to them at the time of the procedures/assaults. Bertie gloated over being the one who done it and we said yeah we know and wasn't it the reason that Graham did it to him just for the fuck of it and Graham hadn't ever done that before? He didn't have much to say. The victims are rarely given much responses to being told their brains have been seriously physically messed with.

It was a huge lose. He was amazing. Beautiful insight, so clever and funny unbelievable good on stalking and recon and record keeping and they took it all.

Like we've said before through. So many of the feelings are still there. Puberty causes so much brain upheaval anyway that depending on the injury and the situation a lot of healing can happen or could happen. If you were in Scotland in the 90s your injuries and your situation don't make for a lot of hope.

So many of us just refused to get close to any of our babies or anyone encase it happened again but especially junior. It's not like they wouldnt be trying, its what they do and we look very vulnerable sometimes even when we really arn't. They knew they could use him to get our attention, to bring us down, to push us over.

We would be amnesiac somewhere far, far away sometimes and things could be going so well but it would still be there eating away at us, how much we had lost. We would try and blame it on other loses sometimes quite convincingly but sooner or later someone would force it or we had to come back to things even worse than what we imagined they would be without you. It was so hard to not resent you sometimes but the fact that they were waiting for it cravenly helped with that.

It's still going to hurt for a long time but hopefully will start to feel better now.

August 23, 2016

Monday Morning.

We go back to bed and put some music on and come to write be don't feel like we have much left to say and how can that be true? Someone was wondering about the teddy we lowered down with the bomb what was in it. Like the stuff that makes you itchy all over but isnt the stuff they put in you and something like what we are but much bigger and much worse. Made sense to us last night but in the cold grey light of a school day morning nothing makes any sense and nothing has much meaning. Few good meanings anyway. We remember our eyes kept straying to the other lowering straps. Not as good at ignoring the voices as we used to be because we had forgotten where so many of them had come from. Yeah what are those other lowering straps for? Something that made us feel very sick any way and we weren't sure how stable "stable but try not bash it" meant so we needed to focus on what we were doing.

We were confident that the parts that said that would of handed the job to us if they didn't think we could do it. This was real us and it felt great for a bit as we had no problem getting it to whatever depth we had to despite still wondering if it was possible to not do what we had to do next. We weren't sure what aspects of it were ritual abuse DID and what was real and therefore really necessary. There was no where on this place I needed to scout there was no curiosity of any kind. The place was beyond yucky and the longer you spent there no matter what protection you wore you felt it's sickness crawling on your skin. The statues and freezes were nothing compared to whatever it was that made your skin crawl and your mind get increasingly dark the longer you were there. People asked us what is was but we rarely had anything to say to them about it. It crawled on my skin even talking about it and we didnt have to words to explain it usually either.

We felt quite adult when we talked to her. Easier when she stopped projecting the image of us years younger and just showed the light that she was, that was left. We remembered when we were that little and had to or was forced to believe I was exactly that child and that light there now and how we laughed at the Teddy bobbing about in mid air as we carried him up the hill to the opening where they pumped and threw in everything they stole. So many voices and we heard them but could ignore them all. The ones they we would listen to would not be talking to us or about us, we kept them in mind as living the kind of not extreme all the time loving life we might one day lead. We talked for a few minutes mostly how about they pushed people in those reservoirs when they took the lid off in big ceremonies to show people who their suffering was producing and how we always wondered what happened to them. We were jealous even of them because even when we knew nothing we knew that stuff could not be worse than the people.

When we were brought round after being the girl that carried the teddy we were always had more answers than questions and scared the living shit out of the programmer the first time. She went from but how could you know that no one has ever told you that to no that's impossible to I need help in here very quickly. We always knew we knew more about that stuff than all the miners and engineers and programmers and their shadows and masters put together. It talked to us and it wasn't like talking to people or machines it was completely different.  

Social workers. Had not to resent people who talk constantly about providing support but never actually mention or perform any actual support. We find ourself talking about the Delusional Disorder diagnosis again and trying to say there is no support when that is our label. She looks at us like the guy before did whenever we talked about it. Like their minds have been made up about something and they are not interested in anything we have to say on the matter. Or maybe it's the attitude that is found in both abuser and non abuser support services that it doesnt matter what is done to you or what is said about you you have to perform in certain ways and get on with completing duties as if it never happened. We find attitudes towards us that feel or state that justice and safety is not something we should even bother even thinking about very triggering.. Just because it's true doesnt mean it is acceptable.

We can't see how we will ever be strong enough survive those kinds of interactions without it marking us. We are still heart broken about all his psychiatric assessments. "They made me do it" doesn't mean the same now as it does twenty or even ten years ago. And when he did finally get it we were relieved for a friend it wasn't enough for us to be able to pick up the really heartbroken ones who will be rushing to find out if its him whenever our phone makes a noise or someone is at the door. That or to exhausted from heartbrokenness to move at all because they know it isn't him.

Other people helped back then of course they are a distraction in them selves but also because they bring our parts of us that are feel stronger and happier.

He asked I think its all very hazy, what he could do when he realised we were gone and nothing he had said or done had brought us back. Nothing we could do could bring me back. We told him he would have to be there for us when we got out of hospital, as soon as possible. We told him he would have to be here now because we were alone with a child, our head and flesh with visits from social workers and appointments with CPN, psychiatry and child psychiatry all NHS to travel to and we would really need the support to get through all that for as long as it going to go on for.

I think he said he would try.

August 22, 2016

keep letting go

We were both switching in and out of Italian. We knew what we were saying and hearing most of the time but not all, so much of our life is untranslatable to our English speakers, we don't them to be triggered by remembering other better lives we don't give to them anything but definites we have been so close or felt so close to getting away from the British scene before and it almost killed us. We aren't sure we could take another. So many times we felt parts of our self go deathly quiet through so many awful ways, to feel they will be back and we will know them and us as we are with them, so much brighter and happier then have to see and always know in detail how it was taken away, from us, from everyone..

He knew the type of crying it was, little, stripped, cornered, starved us terrified for ourself. We did to. We kept trying to think of lots of other ongoing and recent events that gave us reasons to cry but we kept swinging back to knowing exactly what was the matter.

"You don't think he will be back in time do you Mum?"

"Apparently not.. It's all tied up with the past and what they made us do to each other as little kids."

"It always is in Scotland isn't it? Your relationships in Scotland.. your made to feel like they are controlled by things that happened during the abuse years ago.. and they set it all up.. then .. and .. now."

We were too proud of him to keep feeling as bad as were. "Yeah. It's determinism, Satanic and Ritualised. Slavers and desposts having been using it throughout .. like all the ages." We winced at ourself at turning into a vague teen to our son on the subject of our life's work. There was a little silence. We were lying on our stomach and really noticing how much better we were starting to feel, we could feel our toes in our socks they felt clean and warm and comfortable.

"But it's worse in Scotland isn't it? Thats why they never let you leave." Then he proceeded say everything we needed to hear and some.

We think we went "fuck it" enough to remember/get his number after the very real meeting where you said you felt I just wanted to get with you as a means to get out of Scotland because you obviously weren't there to see we weren't on game mode we were on this is it this all the life we get and so far its been really shit mode.  You came and talked to us after we got off the phone still seemingly convinced that we could see you as a stepping stone to somewhere else. It was devastating.

We remember staring at the bedside cabinet next to the bed opposite trying to keep our brain as calm as possible because we were seeing all the un used paint here at the house and were scared we were going to actually start hallucinating the paint and then get up to paint our home as an escape for everything that was happening on the ward and as proof of how we actually operated. We weren't packing bags. We couldn't think of a much more scarier place than an airport in the state we were in. We wanted, needed to go home and make the place more liveable while we wait for a way to get out that involves the least amount of trauma and danger. You were mentioning Palermo weren't you? And we kept looking at you as our mind boggled at how much we would have to tell you before we would be comfortable taking you to Palermo, the more you talked the more we felt we would have to tell you. We didn't know if what you were saying was for someone else's benefit. It didn't matter though because they way you were talking to us and the time that you were doing it just seemed so unforgivable. Just like they like it.

We called you a cunt to the other girls when you left.

"Remember it's all bullshit to keep you down and confused Mother."

You were of course, for the most part in a worse state than us and that possibly might make it forgiveable but there was all the fucking triggers. You seeing Guzman and Gallagher and Provanzano or the institutionalised stuff and what they have done to us here and what we are and what we do in places like Palermo cant be. Without knowing us and our work then the programming they put you through got you worse. You were too scared we were as scary as all the things that had you already. To scared of them getting us like they had you when we knew it wasn't possible in all the same ways because we know about us and Palermo and other places. It was very lonely for us.

You got it eventually. There's no point hating yourself for fucking up when you haven't done it yet and you seemed to be settled enough with it that we felt there was at least the possibility that you wouldn't be too too late or some of us anyway.

Some of us began thinking sarcasticly that since you put the idea in our head that maybe there was some way for to use you to get us to Sciliy or somewhere but we knew we were covering up heart break. There was just too many signs that we would be here without you and we got lost on what was the bad stuff we were programmed years ago to see and here and what was the bad stuff now.

You couldn't reach us. We had been warned off enough we weren't sure if it was you who did some of the warning. We still arn't. After some of the statements we made though we knew we would crumble and we too weak to fight of all the warnings and all the clever triggers. All that leads to shut down survival mode which is heartbreaking because we never shut down that much for long but never know what happened and are too scared to ask.

We have spent so much time convincing ourself that you and we are lost but it started so early, there has been so little time to grow and the thought of how much love pisses of evil pricks has always made it impossible to move on completely. When your not in contact we need you and at the same time have a head full of bad images and moments with you and we know some of them are real and some won't be and can't know as much as we need to. The longer it goes the more we just want to be done with it but articulating that thought internally or out just causes turmoil and specific horror triggers. We want the feeling of being whole that we get from being with you but we want to walk away from all the crap left over from being slaves who were raped together and ritually abused together. Whenever we saw how little a sense of self you you had of being a being that was outside of the world they gave us we would weep for us both because we didn't we could make it if you didn't and we couldn't see how us together would survive at all and we remembered why we hated Earth.

So many times we tried to find routes to ourself while avoiding remembering much about you. It was impossible though yous were just to close to too of the center's of too many mes. For all our hating of arranging your own or someone else we wanted so much to know we had a future together. We said them at least once that it was just well there was so much evil determinism about because if there wasn't I might of fallen into evil determinism just because we fancied we boy.

We couldn't take you or anyone else a lot of places we went to. Really couldnt of taken you. You were our centre. Some of them maybe but the risks were so high. But we never came back to the same you and when we could and did take you with us we could see in your eyes that you rarely believed it. We hated ourself for having to leave you here but when had only limited time out of chains we had to push the limits of what we could do and what we could know. We had to know on our own terms before the bastards push ourself our someone else there.

Sure. You needing time to do the same for yourself makes sense and sure my misery at you not being here is not the same as the violence and the grooming you were getting back then. It's just that it far from safe out there and you can be such an idiot we worry you are just being sucked into some other shit that we can't have anything to do with.